Proper Basterd Hospitality

BY : zoinomiko
Category: G through L > Inglourious Basterds
Dragon prints: 2494
Disclaimer: Don't own or make money from Inglorious Basterds, this is fiction only

NotesFor Rundaloo on Livejournal, who once called me a Porn Shakespeare and as such received my best efforts. She suggested a lot of kinks, so I figured what the hell, lets use as many as possible! So .... this is pretty dirty shit. Enjoy! XD

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Proper Basterd Hospitality


Well, it hadn't been easy, but we'd made it out alive, Donny and me. And the war was over, thanks to the brave sacrifice of two of my smallest basterds. Well, that and one fucking jack-off of an SS Colonel. We'd done what we'd had to when we'd got caught, Donny and me. Donny was still walking funny, and I'd had more Nazi cocks down my throat than I could count, including that asshole Landa's, but we were alive, and intact. This is why Donny and me were currently sitting in the back of a van, getting carted back across allied lines, back towards home and safe and sound and "Hell yeah, Hitler's dead." And yeah, we were prisoners, but that would change soon.

The first thing I did, when we got handed over, was shoot the damn radio operator with Landa's own gun. The little faggot had pulled my hair, and that pissed me right off. Plus, it made Landa splutter and rage, exactly what I wanted. Then I pushed the fucker down under me, Donowitz at my side, and carved the prettiest little swastika I'd ever done into his forehead.

That was when the idea came to me, as I was watching the tip of my knife slide through layers of skin as easily as if it were warm butter. "You know, Donny, it occurs to me that we ain't bein' real nice to Colonel Landa. After all the fine Natzi hospitality he's shown us, I think we should return a bit of that in kind, don't you?"

Donny gave me a look that clearly meant he thought I was crazy - the finer points of sarcasm were occasionally lost on him. "What the fuck are you talking about, Aldo? He was a fucking asshole - "

"Exactly," I cut him off with, and he suddenly got it, meeting my smile with a slow one of his own, the one I loved that was just a little bit crazy-like, where you could never tell if he wanted to fuck you the hell up or just fuck the hell outta you.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think we should."

Underneath me, Landa didn't say a thing, but pain glazed eyes widened slightly, clearly understanding what we intended to do. It was satisfying as hell, seeing the fear in the face of that Nazi fucker. I pulled his Walter from the back of my pants where I'd holstered it, pressing the tip of the barrel against the fresh carving on his forehead, in the blood that was oozing from his skin. I heard him hiss and felt his body jerk tense under me at the lick of pain, like that pretty little actress had when I'd stuck my finger in her bullet wound, but not loud enough, so I pressed harder. I wanted to grind it into his forehead, but I needed my masterpiece in tact. So I pulled the gun away, and instead prodded his lips with the bloody barrel. "Open."

Landa glared up at me, wordlessly, not opening his mouth even when I shoved the barrel between his lips to scrape against his teeth. I frowned. "Little help here, Donny."

Donny Donowitz was goddamn reliable, especially when it came to hurting Nazis. He grabbed Landa roughly by the hair, yanking his head back against the ground as he forced open his jaw, and I jammed the gun in there, far enough that he gagged around it. He tried to yank away, words muffled and unintelligible around the cold metal, and I smirked. "You hush now, and suck it real good. 'Cause right now, I can do anythin' the hell I want to you, long as I don't kill you. Kinda like you and your Natzi scum did to me and Donny back there. So you're gonna wanna suck the hell outta your pretty little gun here. Get it nice and wet." I glanced up at Donny. "Get his pants."

Landa went wild under me at my order, yelling around the gun in his mouth, jerking up against me. "Hey now," I told him. "You'd better stop that. Don't wanna make this gun go off by accident, do you?" It did the trick, and Landa froze, lips pursed angrily around the gun.

I could hear Donny yanking his pants off behind me. "This homo's already half hard," he snickered, and I heard the light sound of skin slapping against skin, felt the man under my thighs shudder. It was a little bit arousing, truth told, though it mostly had to do with the thought of the comeuppance this fucker was about to get at my hands. I started to thrust the gun in and out of his mouth slowly, enjoying the way he tried to fight it.

"You like that, you Nazi scum?" I heard Donny ask behind me. "Like getting your cock slapped around? You sure as hell do, dontcha. What do you want me to do to him, Aldo?"

"Hope you've made this nice and wet for your sake," I told Landa, then got off his chest, pulling the gun from his mouth. "Donny, flip him." Donny had taken the belt from Landa's neatly pressed uniform pants and fastened it around his ankles, and wasn't hard to shove Landa over onto his stomach, right next to the body of the radio operator - he was a damn scrawny kraut, after all. I gave a good smack to his pale ass, enjoying the way it made him jerk and buck, then immediately try to pretend that he hadn't. Then I stroked the barrel of his Walther down the crack of his ass, pressing the tip just a bit against his tight little asshole, smiling wider at the shudder that went through him.

"The way I reckon I see it," I said, watching him, "is that you and your men took some liberties with me and mine. Liberties you ain't had no right to take. Isn't that right, Donny?"

"Sure is, Lieutenant."

"Right. So I think we'll be takin those back." I shoved the barrel of the Walther into him with a sharp thrust, feeling my dick twitch despite myself at the way it made him yell and curse, jerking against the ground. I pushed it deeper, right up to the trigger, rocking and teasing him with it. "Now, I can keep gun raping you, or I can let the Bear Jew here have his way with your tight little ass. Which would you rather? Ah, don't mind, I think both would be fair. Donny here was a real sport about your liberties, I think he deserves some mutual back scratching." I glanced over at Donny to see him smiling that smile again, and this time I knew the fucking was going to be both ways. "Think you can screw the hell outta this Natzi piece a shit?"

"I'll do my best, sir," Donny replied, eyebrow twitching, cock already straining at his pants.

"Good man." I pondered the situation for a moment, pumping the gun in him slowly, watching him squirm as I fucked him with it. What I really wanted was to see the asshole on his hands and knees getting his ass reamed, but we still had his hands cuffed behind his back, and I sure as hell wasn't going to uncuff them. Then I glanced at the dead fucker lying next to him, and I couldn't help but smirk. I stood, grabbing the back of Landa's collar, and in one fluid motion yanked him up and over so his chest lay on top of the dead Krauts' hips. I gave Donny a nod. "He's all yours."

Donny smirked, obviously approving of the positioning, and before I knew it he'd reached over to rub his fingers over the bloody exposed skull of the dead man. He reached out to stick them under Landa's nose, rubbing them over his cheeks and against his lips, pushing them into his mouth. "You taste that, you sick fuck? That's your little lapdog's scalp blood. I'm gonna use it to make your asshole nice and slick, and then I'm gonna stroke it all over your cock, since you're so fucking hard for this."

Landa jerked to catch the digits between his teeth, biting down hard, but Donny only laughed, yanking them away and giving Landa's ass a hard smack. "Knew you'd get off on that. Fucker." He clenched his hand in the dead man's hair, jamming his fingers under the incision until his whole hand was wet and red, grinning darkly the whole time. Then he shoved two fingers in Landa's ass none too gently, pumping them slowly. "Hell Lieutenant, he's fucking tight. You sure you don't want some of this?"

"I got my own plans, son. You just have fun."

"Fully plan to," he murmured, watching his bloody fingers pump into Landa's ass, yanking his pants undone as he did. Then he yanked Landa to his knees and and buried himself inside with a few hard thrusts, making the Colonel cry out through gritted teeth, as Donny groaned. "Oh fuck, that's it right there. Tight little fag. Teach you to fuck with the Bear Jew."

I had my pants undone by this point, stroking my dick slowly. I wasn't so much into the gore as Donny was, but hell if the boy didn't make it look pretty. I eyed Landa. "Now, gettin back to your Natzi hospitality, I seem to remember you tellin me to open my mouth and swallow like a good boy or ya'd cut off my pecker. Ain't that right, Donny?"

"Sure is - Lieutenant," Donny replied breathlessly, giving another hard thrust.

"I'm thinking you'd better do the same, if you value your nice little kraut sausage. You hear?" Landa didn't answer, so I slapped him hard on both cheeks. "You understand, fucker?"

"Yes," he growled, glaring up at me, and offered no resistance as I grabbed his hair and thrust into his mouth. He gagged around me as I hit the back of his throat, but I kept my fingers tight in his hair and thrust deeper. Somehow he managed to take it - not an easy feat, I'd imagine, with Donny pounding the hell out of his ass, blood slicked hand wrapped around Landa's cock, pumping him in time with his thrusts.

"Why Colonel, you sure are a natural born cocksucker," I told him, pulling back before rocking into his mouth again, feeling him shudder and moan around me. A real moan, like he enjoyed it, and by the way he was jerking back against Donny, I was beginning to think he was. "You suck fuck," I muttered, moving my other hand to his head and thrusting deeper, down into his throat, groaning at the way his throat muscles swallowed around me. "I bet you wanted this, didn't you? To be the Bear Jew's little slut while I shoved this thick Apache cock down your throat? Lookit you, you're so fuckin hard you don't know what to do with yourself. Ain't he?"

"So fucking hard," Donny groaned, voice low and raw and breathless.

"You are one kinky fucker," I growled, thrusting deep into his throat again, making him take me up to the hilt grinding his face against my groin for a minute before pulling back to let him breathe, thrusting shallow. "Gettin off on bein gang raped by the Basterds. You're gonna shoot your cream all over this dead Natzi that's bleedin under you, Colonel. You're gonna come so damn hard you ain't gonna know what hit you."

"Hell yes," Donny agreed, picking up the pace, and I let his jarring thrusts push Landa more onto my cock.

It was just as satisfying as I thought it would be, and I took all my rage out on him, fucking his mouth fast and deep, fingers clenched painfully tight in the back of his hair. I fucked him for what he'd done to me and Donny, for what the war had done to all my boys who hadn't made it, for what his fucking scum kind had done to the world. The fact that he enjoyed it - crying out in muffled, sobbing groans around my dick as he bucked back against Donny's blood slicked cock, shuddering helplessly and fucking _loving_ every moment of it, well... that was just fitting, and made it even more satisfying to fuck the hell out of him.

I was far past words now, lost to the pleasure of it, of watching Donny go off on him, goddamn sexy and mouthy as hell. "You like that, huh fucker? I can feel your tight little ass clenching up. Gonna come, aren't you? Come with the Bear Jew's fucking cock up you ass. Jews can fuck back ten times as good as you can fuck us! Come on!"

With that, the kinky fucker came, choking around my dick as Donny let out a whoop of triumph and finished up with a few hard thrusts, deep in Landa's ass. "Fucking home run right there you Nazi fuck!"

I pulled from his mouth with a breathless laugh, thinking I should've had Donny fucking Nazis long ago. Fuck 'em, and then bash their brains out. Landa glared up at me, panting and breathless, the smears of kraut blood on his face stained with tears of anger and frustration. I gave him one more thing to wear, stroking myself hard and fast to climax, shooting wet and slick on his face and hair and that pretty little carved swastika on his forehead. I milked myself until every bit was on his skin, then fell back to rest on my heels, watching Donny chuckle and wipe Landa's come off his bloody hand on the back of the uniform trench that was bunched up around his waist. Then he did up his pants, standing and stretching.

"Now that's what I call fuckin hospitality. Even gave you the reach around. Hope you took notes, you damn kraut." He kicked at some bushes and a couple of trees, letting out his excess energy the same way he did after beating in a Nazi skull or two. "You know, Lieutenant?" He said, turning and striding to me, giving the dead Nazi's head a good hard kick, "I think that almost makes up for loosing my goddamn bat."

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