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Nobody Uses Condoms In The 23rd Century	By : Ksennin Category: S through Z > Star Trek (2009) > Star Trek (2009) Views: 6203 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or Doctor Who and make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Nobody Uses Condoms In The 23rd Century
- 1
It was another normal day on the Enterprise, which meant that Scotty had just stopped a warp-core implosion, Kirk was dictating his log entry on how he'd dealt with an alien who thought she was Thor, God of Thunder, and Chekov was gossiping with Sulu about whether Spock and Uhura were going to get married in the spring.

Spock took up position beside the captain's chair and stood at attention, silently calling attention to the fact that he had something to discuss with the captain. Jim reached an appropriate cliffhanger and waved the yeoman with the recorder off. "I'll be here if you need anything else," she said, eyes tracing over him.

"That is the nature of the yeoman's duties," Spock said, before stepping in front of Jim. "Captain, is the log correct in showing you changed the duty roster to relieve Lieutenant Gaila last night?

"Yeah, she couldn't go on-duty, something big came up." Jim paused appropriately, before sidling forward in his chair. "Something big came up."

"Is the object to which you're referring to your penis?"

"I'm not telling."

Spock held himself even stiffer, as if trying to make up for Jim's lax discipline. "Captain, need I remind you that Starfleet regulation 122B/F specifically prohibits ranking officers from—"

"I know, I know," Jim said with his face buried in his hand, "having any fun."

"Actually, it is regulation 466C/Ψ which prohibits Frequent Unreported Negotiations—"

He was interrupted by a sound like a foghorn being violated. It went vworp.

"What is that, mauve alert?" Jim asked Spock, not recognizing the alarm.

"I do not believe it is ours."

A tall blue box materialized on the bridge, between the consoles. Jim automatically leaned to the side to see past it to the viewscreen. He refocused on the TARDIS in time to see Donna Noble and the Doctor emerge, lost in conversation.

"Oi! A lottery ticket?" Donna demanded, giving the Doctor some shoves as he walked out of the TARDIS. "Are you pulling my leg? 'Sorry about the brain damage, ol' chum, here's some pence'? It's not even original."

"I did fix you," he pointed out, meagerly.

"Amy brought me back, with those wizard remembering powers of her." She poked him in the chest. "You ran around like a Chihuahua and felt sorry for yourself."

The Doctor spun away from her, looking round the bridge. "To business! Alright, who did it, which one of you fouled up a perfectly good timeline?"

Bones, who had finished up a nasty argument with Spock over alcohol consumption earlier that day, coughed and jerked a thumb at the Vulcan.

"You!" The Doctor circled around to Spock, ending up leaning over the captain's chair at him (much to Jim's consternation). "You're the one who's going to change the timeline, only you did, so now you won't, but you would've!"

"If you're referring to the incident with the Narada, discussion of those events is prohibited by the Temporal Prime Directive," Spock said coolly.

"Oh, how convenient! Because of almost you, all of time and space is going wibbly wobbly!"

Jim gave up on the Doctor acknowledging him. He stood up and pointedly ignored the Doctor in turn. "Guys, would anyone care to guess why a man in a bowtie is cussing me out on the bridge of my own spaceship?"

"He is the Doctor," Spock said, to which the Doctor puffed out his chest a little. "A renegade Time Lord of exceptional age and knowledge who amuses himself by traveling the space-time continuum, helping those in need."

"Space-time continuum, is that what you call it?" Donna piped up, from near the turbolift where she had a nice view of the captain's ass. "That's rubbish."

"Section four of the Temporal Prime Directive deals with the Doctor. It reads, in its entirety, 'Do as he says.'"

The Doctor turned from side to side, smirking. "And the bowtie is because bowties are cool. Alright, little ones, listen closely. Here's how I'm going to save all your lives. All of time and space has a booboo and I'm recommending a heavy dose of Vitamin Tachyon. That'll keep all the Reapers, Vortisaurs, Hunters, and Chronovores from being a bother. But we need an extra-special kind of tachyon, so you're going to have to fly past a black hole, towing the TARDIS behind. I'll be inside, but poke out a bit to grab a jarful. It'll be extraordinarily dangerous, so Donna, you'd best wait here."

The Doctor was preparing to run to his next destination (he liked running) when Spock spoke up.

"The tachyons you refer to would be gamma-tachyons, correct?"

"Yes, that's right, but I still haven't forgiven you for all the causality."

"Gamma-tachyons can be generated by the simple expenditure of injecting focused protons into the warp core's dilithium matrix. To do it safely and correctly will require a great deal of focus. I suggest we begin immediately."

Donna was still eyeing Jim's ass. In her defense, he had had his pants tailored. "Can I still stay on the ship?"

"Yes, yes, of course…" The Doctor fobbed her off to fix Spock with a glare. "That won't be as exciting as being dragged through a black hole, you know."

"It will be safer, and more efficient," Spock corrected.

"But also boring." The Doctor dashed over to put an arm around Jim's shoulder and a hand on his chest. To Donna's ire, he blocked her view. "Come on, Jimmy, Jimbo, Jimboree… you're Captain Kirk! Flying through space, punching out aliens, saving the day, getting the girl. Not that I approve of all that, but it seems to work for you. Don't tell me you have something better to do!"

Donna peeled him off the captain, taking a much closer look at Jim's square jaw and piercing blue eyes. Leaning back against the captain's chair, she thrust out her chest. The Doctor rolled his eyes. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Getting the girl, eh? There any girl in specific you 'get'?" Donna asked, realizing just then that her blouse was too buttoned up too tight and fixing the situation.

"It varies." Jim finally tore his eyes off her (quite spectacular) breasts. "Spock, that whole time-travel thing sounds important. You'd better get on it. Doc, help him out. I'll find Ms…"

"Noble. Donna Noble."

"Someplace to stay. We wouldn't want her to tell all her chrononaut friends that the 23rd century is lacking in hospitality."

***

The room was the size of a hotel suite, with furniture that looked sumptuously comfortable. One wall was dominated by a pane of black glass that could only be the future equivalent of an HDTV and the rest were covered by posters displaying classic cars (some which flew) and rock bands (some not human). Donna grinned, recognizing the Beastie Boys. "You future people sure know how to make a gal feel at home."

"Actually, this would be… my room," Jim said, and when Donna looked at him he had a boyish grin in place, defusing any suspicions by fully admitting to them. "But your room would be a lot like it."

"And where would one sleep in my room?"

Jim showed her through one of those swooshy doors that was starting to bug her and into a bedroom with a very nice bed. It looked softer than anything on Earth, but still firm, a little like dolphin skin but colored with the same iridescence as a pearl. Donna sat down on it. It smudged under her before firming up to provide a very flush seat.

"Oof! Bet you never want to get out of this thing."

Jim sat down beside her, taking the little wiggle of the mattress in stride. His boyish grin grew just the right amount more manly. "Depends on the company."

Donna licked her lips in that way that tended to signal 'if I'm this nice to my lips, imagine how I'd be to your penis.' But then she froze, tongue in the corner of her mouth, looking like she was following instructions at a dentist's office. A thought had struck her. "Oi! I know what you're doing!"

"I wasn't too subtle? That's sometimes a problem for me."

"Not that, future boy! You were gonna seduce me and then, once I'm all after-glowed out, you were gonna pump me for information about the future!"

Jim huffed a laugh. "Trust me, Donna, the last reason I'd want to pump you is for information."

"Don't kid a kidder, sparky! Guys like you only want to get with girls like me so you can sacrifice me to giant spiders, or because some insane computer thought we'd make a good couple, or…"

"Donna." Jim spoke firmly, in a voice that was hard not to think of as a captain's voice, and he accentuated the statement by setting his hand on her thigh in a gesture that was both friendly and verging on the sexual. "It's the 23rd century. I realize in your own time, there are people who wouldn't consider you beautiful, but they're cavemen."

"Really." Donna crossed her legs, one over the other, so Jim had to move his hand. But when she continued, it was in a soft voice. "And how am I so beautiful?"

"Your face, for one. It would be cliché to talk about your eyes, but they are beautiful." He moved closer, stopping when his hip was against the foot she had on her thigh. "And you have very expressive features. I like that in a woman."

"You should see me have an orgasm," Donna jibed, making a face before making a face.

Kirk nodded, teasingly solemn. "Probably. But that can wait. I still haven't gotten to your breasts."

"Oi!"

"I'm a big fan," Jim said quickly, putting his hand on his heart in a gesture so ridiculous it spun around to become sincere. "You have amazing cleavage. Voluptuous is a good word to start off with, but that really doesn't cover it. I am literally perplexed by the physics of them. How can something with that much mass and that much volume not be subject to the laws of gravity? Is it some sort of elaborately disguised hook-and-pulley system? Is the artificial gravity malfunctioning?"

"Alright, let's move on from my giblets!" Donna said, although she did cast an appreciative look downward. It was about time someone had noticed. She did have some great tits.

"Gladly. Your hips. Donna, if your breasts inspire naughty thoughts, those hips are some kind of concentrated, solidified naughtiness. I feel like a pervert just looking at them."

"Oh, nice way of saying I've got a fat arse."

"Nice way of saying you don't have an ass like a 12-year-old boy, which I appreciate in a woman." He moved in closer, shockingly closer, causing her to lean away in surprise. "I really do appreciate having a nice firm grip while I'm fucking. And you, Donna? Do you appreciate being gripped?"

Donna's teeth clenched. "Alright, you cheeky git, you asked for it!" She ripped her blouse open and was it ever nice to see his eyes bulge at how her breasts bounded loose, ruefully constrained by her bra. "Now you've got all that innuendo to make good on, or I could just slap the taste out of your mouth!"

Jim took hold of her parted blouse and, eyebrows suggestive, tugged it off her. "I knew a girl who slapped men while she had sex. It wasn't half-bad."

"By the time I've finished, you'll have forgotten all about her." Donna bounded to her feet and unzipped her skirt, kicking it clear. She didn't care if she never found it again – the Doctor must've picked it up at a ruddy K-Mart anyway.

She stood before Jim and, just as important, the bed in a black bra and panties. Those, thank God, were her own, cut to flatter her figure even if she didn't much need it. Jim seemed to appreciate the effect, eyes trying to escape their sockets as he decided where to start. He bounced to his feet, but Donna clapped a hand on his chest and shoved him back down.

"Oi! Don't you think you're a little overdressed, Cap'n Crunch?"

Jim paused, then a smile creased his cheeks. God, how could the 21st century produce a girl like this? He hadn't expected her to be quite so eager to be seduced, and was prepared for a cold shower and a night of her mulling his attraction over. But this… Jesus. This he couldn't turn down. And the pause would give him some time to practice those Vulcan breathing rituals Spock had taught him, even though he was pretty sure his first officer would take issue with just how he was using them. Plus, he'd always been good at stripping.

He started with his boots, since those you could get off along with the socks. It wasn't something most men considered, but socks were just about the least sexy item of apparel there was, which made it fortunate that they were covered by footwear most of the time. But a man dressed in nothing more than socks took a definite blow to the sex appeal, and you never know when a woman would decide "fully naked sex" could be easily substituted with "maybe a bit of cloth sex". It was the command gold. Chicks couldn't get enough of the command gold.

With a hard thud, Jim set each boot off to the side. His shirt went next. He'd been going to the zero-G gym frequently in the last few months, prepping for his next physical, and from Donna's eyes, she appreciated the effort. When he broke open his belt and undid his fly, Donna's gaze hovered over something to appreciate even more.

"Fuck a duck. All those pessimists were dead wrong about the future!" Without another second wasted, Donna charged into him, drawing a sharp "oof!" from Jim as he was knocked to the mattress. Luckily, his socks were safely inside his boots.

Pinning him to the bed, feeling his erection try to contain all the blood rushing into it, Donna sucked on Jim's lips like she would never get another chance. He groaned and flipped them over so he was on top, pressing down on her. The warm pressure of her thighs around his cock made him thrust compulsively, grunt out loud before he could control himself. Donna felt each hard muscle against her skin, and more under her hands as they roamed his back. True to his word, Jim's hands sunk into her rounded buttocks, feeling out the lace pattern of her panties.

"Fuck, I love 21st century lingerie," Jim said.

"Really?" Donna replied, taking a break from kissing him to squeeze his taut buttocks. "Are you sure you don't just like 21st century arse?"

"No, lingerie is definitely a lost art. All anyone wears on this ship is regulation underwear. Sure, that leaves aliens, but you'd be surprised how many of them go commando."

"Oh, poor baby," Donna condescended. She slipped either strap from her bra, saw Jim's chest hollow out with his breath as more of her cleavage came out, all the way down to the rosy red areolas. "Momma has something to make it all better."

"Please don't go there again. I have enough issues without an Oedipus complex."

"Fine, no more chatting." Wrapping her arms around the back of his neck, Donna pulled Jim into her considerable breasts. He made a muffled noise of surprise and then cooed softly. But all Donna could feel was his slight itch of his stubble, rolling along her cleavage. After huffing a moment, she pulled him back out. "You comfy in there?"

His face was slack. "It's… very warm."

"Oi, even in the future men can't do foreplay! Don't you have some advanced robot tonguing thing yet? Kiss them or bite at them or something!"

"Oh, yes. Yes ma'am." After shaking his head a little like a boxer clearing out the cobwebs, Jim dove right back in, actually smacking his lips as he sought to stimulate every inch of Donna's curves. She happily folded her arms over his head and neck, holding him there as he… was he making motorboat noises?

Two hundred years – not enough to change men one bit.

Still, he was really, really good and Donna was really, really liking just about everything he was doing. She favored him with some moaning like she was an Ann Summers girl and squeezed her thighs together, catching his cock in-between. He groaned and bit down on a nipple and she was wetter just from this fooling around than she could ever remember being with anyone else. She needed him inside her, and with one hand making sure he didn't stop treating her breasts like a bowl of ice cream, the other reached down to tug at her panties until she could kick them off.

"Oh, God, Donna," Jim said, not daring to thrust because then he would come and he needed to be inside Donna before then, needed to mark her like he was some kind of animal. He licked his way up the sweat of her throat to her chin. "You have the most amazing tits."

That was when the green girl walked out of the bathroom. A fluffy towel covered her from mid-thigh to underarms, still finding ways to hint at her swaying hips and large breasts, while another towel covered her hair, letting out strands of red hair that curled with moisture. She saw Kirk and the other redhead frotting like a pair of freshmen and put her hands on her hips.

"She has the most amazing tits?"

Jim broke off his oral gymnastics, instead laying his head against Donna's breast like it was a pillow and daring to squeeze the other with his hand, feeling her flesh's amazing resilience to his touch. He felt so hot he couldn't see straight. Maybe Gaila was pumping out pheromones or maybe it was just her seeing him like this, fucking another girl (because it always made him horny when she fucked another girl), but it was all he could do not to attack Donna like an animal in heat. That he managed to carry on a conversation with Gaila, he thought, was worth a medal.

"I'm not saying the most amazing ever… she's from a different timeline, y'know. I was just saying her tits are most amazing."

"So it's not a comparison?" Gaila's towel slipped, exposing maybe a centimeter of skin that made Jim's cock jump. Definitely pheromones. "They are pretty nice," she shrugged.

"You should feel them," Jim said, clenching his hand around one. How could something be so soft and so firm, all at once?

"Oi!" Donna cried, her irritability almost covering up her lack of breath. "What's with the Martian!"

"She fell asleep in my bathtub."

"Thanks for waking me, by the way."

"You looked so comfortable. Anyway, I reassigned your shift. Rank, privileges… fuck," Jim breathed, as Donna's hardening nipple grated against his palm.

"I still look like a prune."

"More like a raisin," Donna moaned. "Cuz they're green."

Gaila laughed politely, but it trailed off with a good long look at the lovers. Jim was hard as stone, and she could see Donna dripping out of her panties. They needed to fuck. They really needed to fuck.

"So… can I watch? Please?"

Donna groaned out "You can bloody well draw a picture just so long as he starts fucking me!"

Gaila purred and sauntered closer. Jim was obsessed with Donna's breasts. He got that way sometimes. Once he'd spent an entire night toying with the curls between Gaila's legs, marveling at the light shade of green her mons were. Gaila had let him get it out of his system until his cock demanded her warm, tight attention. But poor Donna didn't have that kind of time.

Jim was sucking hard on Donna's nipples, seeming to just about get his fill of one when he switched to the other. Gaila bent over him, letting herself brush against the backs of his thighs as she reached under him and found Donna's panties. Even the waistband was soaked. She exerted a steady pressure…

Donna felt her panties being peeled away from her. Gaila was taking her sweet time with it, probably giggling over a cunt that wasn't the color of canned peas, and running her fingertips down Donna's legs as she did it. Which Donna didn't care for, she had such worthless legs, but it did feel good even so. Finally, her panties slipped from an ankle, and she felt the room's air conditioning on her like a gust of wind. She was naked. Naked, in the future, with a starship captain and a green girl. Probably not what the Doctor had in mind when he talked about adventures and seeing the universe, but fuck him.

And at last she could feel Jim, totally against her body from his broad, muscular chest to his throbbing cock. Above her, Jim smiled. "How many times do you wanna bet I can make you come?"

"I'll give you the fucking spread later, Luke Skywalker! Get inside me!"

"That's what I love about you Brits. So cultured."

Donna nearly whimpered as Jim reached down, took hold of a cock that had somehow gotten even bigger since she'd last seen it, and positioned it at her gates. Behind him, Gaila bit her nail and smiled like a fucking pin-up. And then, without any further adieu, Jim was inside her. She was wetter than a well and he just kept going until she could feel his pubic hair tickling her pelvis.

He was in her, all the way in, his cock a constant pressure inside her, pushing her already towards an orgasm more powerful than she could imagine. The sexiest man Donna had ever met and he was fucking the hell out of her. She'd have to ease up on teasing the Doctor.

Not that Donna was thinking any of this yet. That would come later. At the moment, her thoughts ranged from "oh fuck!" all the way to "oh my giddy aunt!" Her mouth, as unbelievable as many would find it, was completely still, transformed into a sharp little "o" of surprise. As Jim started to move in and out, in and out, at first just rocking against her but then more violent, thrusting down into her and watching her tits bounce with the force of it (he could watch that all goddamn day, put it up on the main viewer and raise morale 100%), that "o" widened, until it looked as if Donna were screaming at the top of her lungs, only the most that came out was a mousy little squeak.

Later, it would also occur to Donna that there was a huge difference between having sex and getting fucked.

Gaila sat down at the edge of the bed, watching Jim's cock disappearing into the ginger. Donna's flesh was reddening in the most interesting places, something she had always considered exotic about humans. The ginger really did have great tits, and Gaila would never get bored of watching the sweat being shaken from them as Jim did what Jim did best (commanding the ship was a close second).

She resisted the urge to join in, running her hands along Jim's back or slipping a finger down to give Donna anal stimulation. Humans could be so misunderstanding of such things. Still, if all she got to do was watch… and listen… and smell… she'd actually had less satisfying sexual encounters than this simple voyeurism.

Letting her towel join the rest of the clothes littering the floor, Gaila began to touch herself.

"I adore watching you fuck," she told Jim, pinching a jade nipple into roughness. She loved a little dirty talk with her sex, even if it was as prosaic as 'I love you.' "Just seeing that big cock do what it's meant to…"

"Kinda busy at the moment, G," Jim huffed out.

"I can see that…"

Donna just squeaked. She wanted desperately to wrap arms and legs around Jim to make absolutely certain he didn't stop fucking her anytime soon, and she would as soon as she could get her limbs to start obeying her again (at present, they were spread-eagled out, clasping the edges of the bedframe). Part of her wanted to push that green bimbo off the bed so Jim would have to focus entirely on her. Another part of her was sure that if she did, she would be fucked to death shortly after. And the Doctor always did say it was important to share…

It was then that the computer toned, signaling an incoming message. Jim paused, looking over at the nearest LCARS panel. Spock was calling from the bridge. Had to be important. "Umm…" he looked from Donna to Gaila and back to Donna (she really did have great tits). "I gotta take this."

Donna lifted her head, mouth still frozen open like she'd been able to take a bite out of a sandwich. Then, with a snarl, she slapped her hands across Jim's ass and forced him even deeper inside her. "NOT FUCKING LIKELY, SUNSHINE!"

Jim's eyes nearly rolled back in his head. As fun as it had been to plow Donna, there was just something about her taking control.

In a matter of moments, she decided that manually shoving him in and out of her wasn't doing the job. With an actual growl, she man-handled him onto his back and impaled herself on his cock, which had pointed to the ceiling without a moment's loss.

Gaila politely applauded.

"I DON'T CARE IF DARTH BLOODY VADER IS DROPPING OFF A FRESH-BAKED PIE, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU FINISH ME OFF!"

Whatever Spock wanted, it couldn't be that important.

"Gaila, could you, uh, take a message?" Jim asked sweetly, but if he were hypnotized he couldn't be more drawn to the sight of Donna's breasts jiggling as she rode him.

Her breathing was up and her hips were spiking up into one hand, but otherwise, Gaila answered the communication as if she were enjoying a mint julep and not two people fucking. "Mr. Spock, is this urgent? The captain is right in the middle of someone."

Damn Orions.

Donna threw her head back, whipping her frizzled hair over her shoulders. Her pussy had swallowed up all of his cock and now she ground her hips over his body, bearing down on him, riding him like a conductor rode a train. Carried and propelled by the force of the locomotive, but still dictating the speed and path. Every time she lifted herself up and drove herself back down on him, it was like a new shovelful of coal was being thrust into the engine. Jim had his hands on her hips, but he wasn't sure what he was accomplishing besides feeling some surprisingly smooth skin for a 21st century girl.

"You want to come, is that it?" Jim asked coolly. He didn't know if Donna was into the sound of a voice other than hers, but he did kinda want to impress Gaila.

"YOU CAN DO BETTER WITH YOUR MOUTH THAN THAT!" Donna threw herself down on him, smothering him with her cleavage. Jim wasn't sure if it was possible or even medically advisable, but he was pretty sure he felt himself get harder inside her.

Donna riding him just wasn't enough anymore. He liked to be a gentleman about these things, but he liked having his face in her tits more, so he didn't consult with Donna before rolling on top again, this time falling off the bed. They barely noticed the impact.

Gaila could swear Jim's hips blurred as he pumped into Donna. She had the best seat in the house – she could see Jim biting down on Donna's breast like a soldier on a bullet, trying to put off the inevitable ecstasy. She could see Donna's toes curling. She could even see the scarlet lines Donna's fingernails made as they dug into Jim's ass, as if desperate to get even closer to the man. Gaila slipped another finger inside herself. If she worked fast, she could come along with them.

Donna tried to hump back against him, tried to yell out something nasty enough to really get him going (spaceship types, always holding out on her), but all that came from her mouth was a shrill cry at each and every thrust he made. It had to get past a clenched jaw. She was going to have rug burn on parts of her where it was hard to put cream and God only knows how sore she'd be afterward, but it was worth it. Anything would be worth this.

Her arms and legs went limp, thankfully before she clawed Jim's ass to ribbons, and her head lolled back as absolute pleasure flowed into her. It took her a moment to realize it was an orgasm. An orgasm that showed no signs of stopping.

Gaila took mercy on her. She pressed himself against Jim, nipples brushing against his shoulder. She took his hand from where he was propping himself up off the floor (he collapsed on top of Donna, but that was good, that was fine, it just meant she could feel more of him), and pushed it between her legs. His fingers were instantly covered in moistness as Gaila opened up for him. She put her lips to Jim's ear like a woman moving in for a kiss and whispered to him.

Donna couldn't make out what he was, not through the blood pounding in her ears, but she saw Jim squeeze his eyes shut, depriving himself for the first time of seeing her breasts jog with his thrusting, and then felt the effect Gaila's words had.

Jim came inside her, powerfully, uncontrollably, filling her with his climax. Donna's jaw flew open, letting loose an unending scream that just happened to have sentences like "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! AND COME! COME IN ME! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! COME UNTIL YOU GO DRY, BECAUSE I CAN'T BLOOMING TAKE ANYMORE OF YOUR COCK!"

Her world, the one broadened and expanded by the Doctor, had shrunk down to her cunt and the cock inside it. She couldn't remember anything but the surge of hot fluid inside her, the feeling of being flooded. Her orgasm kept going, seeming like it would trail off until Jim managed another trio of thrusts, a last jet of semen, and she exploded into an orgasm that, if not as big as the last one, was much more violent on her oversensitive nethers. She gagged on her halting cries and was only able to manage to a single "fuck…" as he laid buried inside her.

"That's why he's the captain," Gaila said, gasping from her own heated climax. She loved to watch Jim fuck, no matter who it was with. But it was great when he was fucking someone with ridiculously great breasts, even if it wasn't her.

Jim put his hand on Donna's chin, not knowing or caring that it was dripping with Gaila's cream, and turned it so he could kiss her. It was almost gentlemanly, even in context. Gaila swooned and Donna's face went from slack to a satisfied smile. Jim collapsed onto Donna's breasts. As expected, they made wonderful pillows. Gaila pulled the sheets off the bed and onto all three of them.

"So," Donna said. "This count as a threesome?"

Gaila bit her lip, trying hard not to condescend. 21sters… so quaint. "If this were a threesome, it'd still be going."

"She sets out snacks in case anyone gets hungry," Jim said. "And drinks."

"Those were wine coolers and they were for ambiance. The body shots were for dehydration."

Donna cackled and slapped Jim on the back. "I've never gone bean-flicking before, but lady, I might have to snog you on general principle."

"I might have to let you."

"That is literally the only thing that could get me to move from this spot," Jim said, between Donna's breasts.

Donna was about to comment on his obsession with breasts, positively, when vworp.

Donna sat up irritably, spilling him off of her. She looked over the bed to see the TARDIS fading into view. The Doctor opened the door, blowing on his sonic screwdriver. "Another crisis successfully averted, a triumph for the human drive to imagine—Donna, where all your clothes?"

Donna stood up. "Oi! Nice timing, spaceman!"

The Doctor was too busy realizing Donna had very nice breasts to reply.

"Could you go!? I'm a bit busy at the moment." Donna crossed her arms. "I'm a lady. I like to be cuddled."

With the breasts covered up, the Doctor found himself a bit more talkative. "Donna, you know the TARDIS. If the old girl takes off, there's no guarantee you won't be stranded here. Especially after… the Incident last week."

"How was I supposed to know that wasn't a loo? Fine!" She turned back to Jim and Gaila, shaking their hands in turn. "Thanks for a lovely evening. I'll give your regards to the past."

"Come back anytime," Jim said, not quite letting go of her hand. "I mean that. You have booty calls in the 21st century, I read about them. I am completely open to being used sexually. I have no self-respect. Ask her!" Jim jerked his thumb at Gaila. "She's put her finger in my butt."

"You loved it," Gaila replied, examining the sweat on her forearm. She was going to have to take another shower. Thankfully, at least one potential backwasher wasn't going anywhere. "Donna, you can get changed in the other room if you want. I'll bring you your clothes."

"Nah, don't get up, I've got it." Donna walked over to grab up her clothes, not caring that the Doctor was watching her bend over. "Don't worry about him. Asexual. Like Sherlock Holmes, or the Jonas Brothers. It's like changing in front of a dog."

She stepped inside the TARDIS, now seeing Amy, Rory, and Captain Jack circling the console, fiddling with the controls in their own little way (Jack appeared greatly interested in the bicycle pump). Their reactions were as followed.

Amy and Rory, in opposite order, took in the naked captain, the naked green girl, and the redhead with clothes (in her arms). Amy turned to her husband. "Five second marriage conference. I won't get mad at you looking at She-Hulk and the breasts if you don't get mad at me for looking at the pretty boy."

"Deal."

("The breasts?" Donna thought. "I have a name.")

(Jim had similar misgivings.)

Captain Jack poked his head through the door. "Hi, Captain Jim, I'm Captain Jack." He offered his hand.

Jim was still behind the bed. "Can I shake that when I'm wearing pants?"

Jack pulled his hand back. "Buncha prudes in the 23rd century."

And the Doctor sputtered some more, before Donna slapped him. "Donna!" he got out. "I picked up a few friends while you were out."

"I noticed!" She looked over the other companions. "Still the best-looking ginger on this thing." She went inside to clean herself up in what she would make sure was a loo first.

"Best-looking… I'd put that to a vote!" Amy hissed. Just then she noticed that although she didn't know how Rory felt about Donna leaving, she could tell he loved to watch her go. "Hey!"

"Five second marriage conference!"

Amy huffed and went back to ogling Kirk. (And maybe Gaila a little.)

"Can I get a hug?" Jack asked Donna before she shut the door.

"Piss off!"

The Doctor stood in the TARDIS doorway, looking very much like he wanted to go back to sputtering. "Well, uh…" he said to the Starfleet officers. "I hope you enjoyed your coitus, please don't be pregnant, and don't use any future sexual techniques you might have picked up, it could have catastrophic sexy results on the timeline."

He shut the door.

"I was going to call it 'the Donna," Jim said.

"It was really just a modified cowgirl," Gaila consoled him.

"So what did Spock want?"

"Oh, something about an influx of chronitons corresponding to the first appearance of the Doctor, centering around your toilet. I guess they were off a little."

The LCARS beeped again, at the same time another vworp sounded, at the same time as yet another vworp echoed… two TARDISes materializing, and completely blocking off the bathroom door. Gaila mentally postponed her shower. For a moment, the two TARDISes sat there, then the doors swung open and two Donna Nobles stepped out. They were totally identical, aside from a Band-Aid one had on her arm and the fact that one was in a merry widow, while the other was in a set of garters and stockings.

"I may not be the Doctor," they both said, "but that doesn't mean I don't make house calls." Then they both noticed each other. Turning, either said "What are you doing here? And dressed like that? Like what, sunshine!"

"Not like a classy, elegant woman of the world!" The Donna on the right pointed at herself.

"Oh, how am I ever going to get as stuck-up as you?" The Donna on the left demanded.

"I can't believe I used to be such a skank."

"You're the one coming here to have sex with him!"

"I'm not the one who's going to be in an orgy!"

"You mean you were in an orgy!"

"No, you're going to be… slut! And besides, I saw him first!"

"We both saw him first!"

Gaila stood up. It wasn't that she didn't find two women fighting sexy, but it helped if Jell-O were involved. "Ladies, ladies, please!"

"You stay out of this, greenjeans! This is between me and me!"

"Yeah, what happens if you don't shave your privates?" the other Donna asked. "Your crotch turns into a salad bowl?"

Gaila tried not to be offended. After all, salad bowl… kinda funny. "I was just going to say that it's pointless to fight over Jim… when he can handle both of you."

They eyed Jim, who was having the reaction of someone who had just realized he shared a room with a naked woman and (effectively) twins in lingerie.

"He can—" said one Donna.

"At once?" said the other.

"Oh yeah. Once me and Liera ran a train on him."

"I thought they were both Gaila, just split in two by a transporter accident," Jim recalled. "Romulan Ale is illegal, by the way."

The Donnas eyed each other. No matter where they were in their personal timeline, they knew how to shop for lingerie.

"You do have really nice breasts," said one Donna.

"I've always wanted to see someone make a sausage sandwich with them."

"And you could give Jim something better to do with his mouth than talk about how great he is," Gaila suggested.

"One time, it was one time!" But that was the only argument Jim could make, as the Donnas descended on him. "I'm a great captain," he said happily, before his mouth was put to better use.

Gaila was just finding a comfortable perch to watch from when she heard another vworp. The ginger-blond-ginger sandwich didn't stop. Nothing short of a warp core implosion was worth pausing for.

A third Donna emerged, wearing a negligee. Gaila wondered if she got a group discount. When she saw that Jim already had more Donna than he could finger, she cursed. "Oi, I'm late!"

Gaila looked her over. Nice negligee. "No, you're right on time. My masturbating hand was getting sore…"

Donna looked over Gaila. Her breasts weren't the biggest, per se, but they were very prominent, very high-set. Almost perfectly suited to her body. And she had one hell of a body. "Did I mention that in my personal timeline, I've come to terms with my bisexuality?"

"Do tell," Gaila said, crooking a finger in the cleavage of Donna's negligee and dragging her down to the bed. Since Jim didn't seem to be using it, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Ten minutes, and one or two orgasms, later, another set of vworps filled the room. Two by-this-time-rather-disgruntled Doctors landed the TARDISes and sat back to catch up on their reading. Two Donnas emerged, lugging lawn chairs, a bowl of popcorn, a video camera complete with tripod, and something that was almost, but not quite, a sonic screwdriver (just in case they got too fascinated by the sight, and for some reason couldn't join in). The first, or rather fourth, Donna set up the camera while the second/fifth put up the chairs. The camera, through mind-bogglingly advanced Gallifreyan technology, set about capturing both the ongoing proceedings and the prior thirty minutes in several media formats that hadn't been properly invented yet. They'd pick out angles later. The not-a-sonic-screwdriver would come in very handy then.

"We are going to make a bloody fortune," a Donna said.

The others just moaned.
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Nobody Uses Condoms In The 23rd Century