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Going Back to Yesterday	By : Alethia Category: Star Wars (All) > General Views: 5857 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Going Back to Yesterday
- 1
Title: Going Back to Yesterday
Chapter: 01/?

Author: Alethia/ Jennifer

Status: Incomplete
Timeframe: circa two years post ROTS

Characters: Padm�, Anakin/Vader at the moment, but expect Bail Organa, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Emperor Palpatine and assorted others to appear eventually.
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Warnings: This will not be a pleasant ride. It is a dark fic . There are also spoilers. Read at own risk.
Rating: R
Summary: AU. After giving birth to the twins, instead of dying, Padm� slips into a coma. Two years later, she awakens to find the galaxy much changed from when she last knew it. But the foremost thing on her mind is seeking out her husband�

Disclaimer: The characters and settings do not belong to me, however the plot and any original characters are mine.
Notes: This started out as a random idea, as most all fics do, I�d assume. Getting back into the fandom after an almost three year absence, this idea popped into my head and after a bit of wrangling with it, I got it to work. At least I hope so�
I�d like to thank Kimberley (VaderLVR64) for being a wonderful beta and Jennifer (hansgirl1031) for being a great friend and sitting up with me on IM, talking about all sort of things and, most of all, making me write. I don�t think I could do this without either of you two.
I�d like to get some kind of updating schedule going, but I don�t know if that�s possible or not. I am in school and am very active outside of school, so I have times when I disappear completely and times when I�m on here for hours. Just all depends and things change quickly, so I can never tell before hand. But I�ll try to update fairly regularly.
Questions, comments? E-mail me or leave it in a review.
And without further ado, since I meant to make this short and didn�t quite succeed, I present to you:

Going back to Yesterday:

Prologue

"I cannot go back to yesterday,
because I wasn't the same person."
-Lewis Caroll.

�Who
looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.�
-
Carl Gustav Jung

*~*~*

I love you.

Her last words to him before he left.

She
trails a hand down the glass of the window, a barrier keeping her from the
outside, from him. The glass is cold to her touch, although it
is a warm day, with the sun shining and a slight breeze. Flattening her hand against the glass, she
leans towards it and lightly presses her lips to it. Drawing away, she can see the mark her breath
has made on the glass, flawing its perfect sheen.

Like
she herself is flawed.

Once
thought of as perfect, a role-model for the entire Galaxy, she is now reduced
to nothing. Less than nothing, she adds in her mind, her lips lifting up into a
slight smirk; for she has no place anymore, no where to go, no one who cares.

Except him.

But
he has been gone, gone so long that she wonders if he will ever return to her.

To us.

She
does not think of them as separate beings anymore. They have become too close for that. Instead, they are one entity, one heart, one mind, one soul, bonded together in the sweetest of
rituals. When he leaves, he takes a
piece of her with him and leaves a piece of himself with her, keeping them
forever joined.

Drawing
on this hidden part, she brings it to the surface, needing to revel in its
comfort and heat. She feels so cold, so alone, that she needs every comfort and
particle of him that she can get. Yet as
she reaches for it within her mind, the feelings and pictures that it brings
forth are mutated and fading. How can this be, she wonders, as she
concentrates on him even more. But the harder
she thinks of him and their love, the more it
fades. And soon, she knows, soon it will
be gone.

But why?

Opening
her eyes, her hand still touching the glass, she finds that the day has become
darker. Clouds have filled the sky, the
wind has grown heavy and there is a certain�feel�in the air, one that she cannot
place. He could, she knows. He is so powerful in things like that, able
to bend the Force to his will, yet she has none of his abilities. They are linked in everything but that.

Yet with the child�

The child you no longer bear, she reminds
herself. Yes�that child that once
connected them both even through the Force is gone now, to parts unknown. She does not know what has happened to it-
she remembers nothing. Only
that�something�happened and she then found herself in this place.

This prison, she wants to say, but
the words don�t go on past her lips.
Such a beautiful place cannot be a prison. Resembling the Lake House, her Senatorial
Apartment and even with some tones and influences of her own childhood home, it
is beautiful. It is everything that she
ever wanted in a home, mixed with touches of him. He is there- she can
feel him as she sleeps, feel him as she wakes, she can feel him as she stares
out of the window, waiting for him to come back to her.

Yet
the doors are locked, the windows shut and she is left in her solitude. She knows not how long she has been here,
waiting for him to come to her again.
Waiting for him to appear on the horizon; waiting for him to embrace her
as he used to; waiting for him to touch his lips to her; waiting for them to
fully and completely become the one entity that they are, once again.

Yet is that possible, a darker voice inside
her chides. Can you truly become one again, after what has happened?

What
has happened? She searches her mind for some reminder, some
clue of what has been, but she receives none.
Except his fading image�

Come back to me, she pleads,
concentrating only on that one thought.

Come back to me and hold me in your
arms.

She
turns her head towards the one door to the rooms in which she is held, wishing,
willing it to open, but it does
not. It stands there as unyielding as
ever, large and white, almost mocking her.

Like a trooper.

Trooper? This word is
unknown to her, strange and foreign in her thoughts. Why would such a word come to her? Is it perhaps something beyond her
memories? Something before the time she
awoke to find herself here, in these painted and precious rooms, in her idyllic
prison?

Shifting
her blanket, she allows her legs to uncurl from the bench and touch the
floor. With the crinkling of her
dressing gown and nightgown, she stands wavering on her feet, holding an arm
out to balance herself with the wall.
Her legs are weak, so weak, as if she has not stood in
hours�days�months�years�centuries. And perhaps she hasn�t. She has no knowledge of time in this
place. The days darken into night and
lighten into day, but it has become a monotonous process that she barely notices
anymore. She knows only that it has been
long, very long, since she has moved from the bench by the window, where she
sat to wave to him as he left her.

And
even that memory has dulled in the passage of time.

Teetering
on her feet, she reaches a foot out and tries to take a step. It has been so long since she has moved she
believes she has forgotten how. One foot in front of the other, she
reminds herself as she slowly makes her way from the bench and into the main
area of the room. Her vision is wrought
with blackness, she can barely stand.
Yet she still takes those steps forward, as images of him appear
unbidden in her mind, strengthening her resolve even more. She pushes on even as the images grow darker,
mutilated, full of despair. She does not know what is propelling her,
what forces her to walk, but she knows she must.

Something is wrong�

Something is happening�

I need to find him�

I need to find him NOW!

She
fights to keep standing as she reaches the center of the room. She fights with all her might to keep his image
before her eyes, even though she can feel it being jerked away. She fights for him, for her, for them as her vision goes fully black and
she topples to the ground.

And
she prays with her last breath that things will somehow be better�

When
she awakes�

If she awakes�

*~*~*

She
stirs lightly as the sun touches her prone form, still lying in a crumbled
heap. Yet it is not just the sun that
wakes her, but a delicate touch on her neck, her back, her arms, her chest, her
lips. Her eyes fly open, startled from
her sleep as she feels his tender lips pressing against hers, a feeling she has
not felt in such a long time�

His
dark blue gaze bearing into hers as his lips slowly massage her own; she begins
to lose herself in the feelings he invokes, before she suddenly pulls away,
full of disbelief. He is here, her mind forms, yet she cannot comprehend that it is
his lips that moved against her own, his eyes that look into hers and his hands
that caress her body.

Smiling
softly at her, he reaches out and pulls her against him, holding her
tightly. �I love you,� he says as he
slowly strokes her back.

�Anakin��
She breathes out, slowly beginning to face the reality that in some
twist, he is here with her now, holding her against him, enveloping her in his
warmth and comfort. This is what she has
lacked during her stay here, what she has missed since before she can
remember. His arms tighten around her as
he pulls them both up into a standing position, cradling her against his chest,
her head tucked into his shoulder.

�I
love you so much, Padm�,� he whispers softly into her ear and she shivers. It feels so good to be held by him again,
drawing on his strength and presence.
She wants to forget this time of isolation and continue her life,
sheltered in his arms. Her own Jedi Knight�

Jedi Knight? She pulls away slightly and frowns. He also looks towards her worriedly, his brow
furrowing. �Is there something wrong,�
he asks, slowly rubbing her back, trying to ease her tension. Jedi can�t read minds, perhaps, but that
doesn�t mean they can�t pick up on strong emotions.

Jedi�

�No-nothing,�
she says, swallowing. �I just think of
these strange�words�sometimes.� She
tilts her head to look into his eyes, trying to reassure him by smiling. �It�s nothing, Anakin. It�s just been so long since you left.�

He
isn�t placated. �What words, my love?�

She
senses something strange from him as
he says this, but she ignores it. After
all, what could it be? He is simply
tired from his long journey. �Well�� She draws out, �I compared the door to a trooper, what ever that is.� Was that today, she questions herself, or has much time passed since then? Will I
ever be allowed to leave here?

He
frowns, though she does not know if it is at her thoughts or statement. But he
can�t read thoughts, she reminds herself.
Yet she could feel a slight touch in her mind that disappeared shortly
after she felt it and it makes her wonder.

�Trooper��
he runs his tongue over the word trooper and she wants to lean into his protective
embrace, as if even speaking the word will bring something unbidden and
unwanted to them. �Are there any other
words that you seem to remember, my love?�

�Yes,�
she answers him, wrapping her arms around him tighter. �Two more�they seem so foreign to me, yet
also familiar- Jedi and Jedi Knight. Do
you know what those are?�

Now
she is positive that she has seen something flash in his eyes, turning them
from their normal cerulean depths to a deathly yellow and back again. What is
going on, she questions, but does not dare voice it. It does not really matter, she assures
herself. All that matters is that you�re back in his arms.

But it does matter.

It
will not leave her alone now, that she has seen the flash in his eyes, nor his�anger� at the words. �Anakin,� she speaks, �don�t let those
nonsense words worry you. They are
nothing��

Yet are they?

She
tries to remember, but it has been so long.
Jedi�there was a Jedi Order and a
Code and a Council. And they� she
pauses in her thoughts, trying to recall pictures and memories from a time long
gone. They- they used the Force, like Anakin does. And then, as her mind wraps itself around the
notion, she bites back a gasp as it all comes tumbling back.

Anakin was a Jedi Knight.

�No
I wasn�t.� His voice is strong, breaking
her out of her thoughts. �The Jedi don�t
exist, Padm�.� His voice is
forceful. �They�re just a story you made
up in your time here.� He holds her
close to him, pressing her against his long, hard body allowing no space to come
between them. �Don�t worry,
dearest. I�m here now and that�s all
that matters.�

�You�re
here now�� She mumbles, suddenly feeling sleepy. And yet her mind won�t let go of the
Jedi. �But it still feels so real��

�That�s
why it�s good that they don�t exist, darling.
Because they had ways to twist your mind and thoughts and they meddled
in the affairs that had no concern to them.
It�s a good thing that they no longer exist.�

�So
then they did exist?� She pounces on his words, pulling back
slightly, though his arms don�t allow her to move away from him. She stares into his eyes.

Again
the flash is there, yet this time it seems to stay longer and his grip on her
tightens. �Once,� he says, from behind
clenched teeth, �once the Jedi
existed. But they were corrupted and
they were killed for that.�

�Killed?�
She gasps. She doesn�t like
killing, though somehow she knows she has killed before, out of necessity. If only she could remember�

�Killed,�
he confirms, his eyes meeting hers. �But
it is no worry now, angel. Those times
are gone. The Jedi are all but extinct
and you shall worry about them no longer.�
And with those comforting words, he leans down and lowers his lips once
again to hers.

She
meets his lips with her own, trying to gain comfort from them, yet still unsure
of everything. Anakin is back, her heart tells her, there is no reason to fear anymore.

Fear leads to anger and anger leads
to hate�

She
stiffens, trying to remember, but he moves his arm away from her back and
instead places it behind her head, restricting her movement and forcing her
lips to stay connected to his. Slowly he
traces her lips with his tongue and unconsciously she grants him access to her
mouth. Slowly he traces her lips with
his tongue and unconsciously she grants him access to her mouth. She moans as his tongue enters her mouth,
tracing her teeth, the insides of her cheeks, the roof of her mouth, before
stroking her own tongue and drawing it into his own mouth, sucking it. She loves him, loves him more than anything
and it feels so good to be kissing him again, so
intimately, like she has shared with no one else. Yet there is something at the back of her
mind, something she can barely sense; something that tells her that all is not
well.

She
tries to pull back from his kiss, but his grip on the back of her head won�t
let her. She begins to panic, ignoring
the passion that he is awaking in her, ignoring the sensual kiss with a promise
of more. She can only think about the
darkness that she realizes is in her mind, slowly growing and taking hold.

Fire and lava and smoke and
pain�lots of pain�

She
struggles, yet he presses harder, devouring her mouth with his own. Something is happening, she can sense it,
but she does not know what. Finally his
mouth leaves hers and she gasps for air, air that she has been unable to
receive these last few moments in her panicked
state. She gulps the air, hoping that it
will soothe her mind and senses as he trails his mouth from her lips to her
neck, stroking and licking and sucking the flesh on his way to her pulse
point. Conflicting emotions rise within
her- it seems like an eternity has passed since they were last together and she
cannot wait for their joining as one- yet the darkness grows in her mind.

The Jedi have betrayed me, don�t you betray me�

She
struggles again, but the only thing it accomplishes is to bring her more in
contact with his hardening erection, making him groan in desire and causing him
to tighten his grip on her. She will not
deny that she feels desire as well, for his ministrations are awaking her
senses in a way they have not been in a long time. Yet she fights to remain in control of her
feelings.

You�re breaking my heart�

What
is going on? What are these memories that keep appearing before her
eyes? Are they really memories? She wants to say something, but moans instead
as he lightly sucks on her pulse point, creating a wave of desire that flows
through her. Unconsciously she leans
into him, moving her arms to his shoulders, stroking his back, pressing herself
against him. She elicits a groan from
him again, for she has rubbed up against him once more
and his groans help put her into an unthinking state, where she is propelled
only by her feelings and nothing more.
There will be no more thoughts of darkness.

Or
will there?

Wait for me. I love you�

Love
washes over her and though she does not want to lose herself in his
ministrations, she knows that there is no fighting them anymore. He is too strong for her and he does not seem
to notice or acknowledge her hesitation, but only her body and his desire for
it. Something has changed in him. Before, when he was with her, he would hate
to be interrupted, but when she asked
him to stop, for whatever the reason, he would.
He might not be happy about
it, but he would respect her wishes.
Now, however�

But
what can she do? He is so strong�and it
does feel good the way his lips have left her neck and now move to her shoulder
that peeks out from her nightgown, the nightgown that he himself has somehow
pushed away, bearing that particular shoulder to his hungry gaze and
mouth. She can feel his hands reaching
up now, sliding the dressing gown from her shoulders, down her arms and letting
it pool on the floor. Before she can
fathom that he has released her- if only for a moment- she is back in his grasp
as he tires of the intricate buttons on the nightgown and simply rips it,
shoving the once beautiful and expensive silk to the ground. She opens her mouth to protest- for some
reason, that nightgown meant something
to her, but before she can get a sound out, his lips have claimed hers once
again.

I love you, I love you, I love you�

The
words replay in her head, over and over again.
She does not know if they are her own or simply words he has placed in
her mind. Her nightgown falls to the
floor as he adjusts his grip on her, his mechanical hand on her hip, lightly
massaging the flesh there as his human hand moves slowly towards her center,
her most intimate part. She does not
want to feel these feelings, to feel the way he touches her, the way he devours
her mouth, the way he is pressed up against her. Yet she cannot help it. It is addicting, the feelings he induces in
her, the way they flow from the tips of her toes
to the crown of her head, sending lightning throughout her core�

Lightning flashes as a body flies
through the air�

The
vision brings her out of the passion induced state she is in and reminds her
that things are not all right. This is
not just her husband trying to make love with his wife. This is a man who has
been gone for a very long time and is desperate for his wife�s touch. This is a man who has been touched by some
darkness that threatens to take control of him.
This is a man who has died, risen and returned to her�different than he
was before. This is a man, who has
changed.

This
man, who stands before her, his
fingers inserted into her body, his lips ravaging her own as he kneads her
breast with his mechanical hand, she realizes with a shock, is no longer her
husband.

I don�t even know who you are
anymore�

He
senses it within her. She can feel the
way his eyes bore into her as he slowly draws his lips, his hands, his body away from her.
She may be completely undressed- wearing nothing, as usual, under the
nightgown- but he is still completely
clothed, his flushed cheeks, his mussed hair and the telltale bulge in his
trousers the only signs that something had gone on between them.

If not for his thoughts.

His
eyes bore into hers and it is as if all barriers between them are broken. She can feel his innermost thoughts and
feelings, although she does not have the training to separate and analyze
them. She can only watch as they play in
his mind, clashing and bouncing off one another, a tangled mess that she has
reduced him to.

Everything I have done, I have done
it for you�

She
can read it in his eyes. They have
changed again, turning that inhuman color that she has learned to hate,
although she has only seen it in flashes, and only since today. Yet it seems much longer�

�Padm�,
his voice is deep- deeper than she knows it.
�Tell me what you see.�

�What-
what I see? I-I don�t know what you�re
talking about?� She forces out, trying
to smile as she slowly tries to back away from him.

She
does not get far. In one stride he
crosses to her, grabbing her shoulders and holding her out in front of
him. She wants to go limp in his arms,
but does not dare face the consequences.

For
there will be consequences�

�Tell me, Padm�.� His grip tightens. �I grow weary of your games.�

His
grip digs into her shoulders and she knows she will be bruised later. But she does not dare cry out, knowing that
at the best, it will do nothing and at the worst, it will only serve to fuel
his anger.

Red descends on her vision, then
blackness, then nothing�

�I-� She swallows,
bringing her eyes to meet his. �I
see�red, lots of it and then it- it- it turns into black and there is
nothing. There is lightening, and power. Fire�ash�then I see stars. Pain, oh
so much pain�� She cannot fight the
urge to go limp anymore, her strength fully leaving her body. She hangs like a doll, nothing more, in his
strong and forceful grip, lacking the strength to even lift her head.

�Darkness�� She mumbles to the floor, her vision wavering,
�So much darkness, a shadow that overwhelms you, me, us�tell me, Anakin, please tell me what troubles you��

And
suddenly it is all over. With a
tenderness she can hardly comprehend that he could possess, he cradles her
softly, tucking her head under his. The
visions gone from her mind, receiving only calm, pleasant feelings full of
love, she allows herself to relax in his embrace. This is the man she married, loving and
comforting. This is the man who fathered
her child, which was conceived in a loving dance, one that can be performed
only by those who are deeply in love and inter-connected through that
love. This is the man that softly picks
her up and carries her to bed, lying her gently down upon it and slowly
caressing her features.

And
this is the man who contains a darkness so fierce
within him, that it is only a matter of time before it lashes out again, from
its cage within his mind.

*~*~*

She
lies on the bed, only a thin blanket covering her body, but she does not feel
cold. She watches with lowered lashes as
her husband slowly removes his utility belt, his surcoat,
his tunics, his boots, his trousers, till he is standing before her completely
undressed. Her vision blurs as she looks
down his body, taking in the details she has not seen in such a long time. An odd sensation forms in her mind, flowing
throughout her entire body- as if she really isn�t there, but only as an
observer.

She
watches, displaced from her body as he lowers
himself onto of her, the sheet now gone from her body. She watches as he slowly caresses her collar
bone before tenderly kissing her lips, letting his hands stray to her
breasts. She watches as he continues his
ministrations, feeling only muted sensations.
She watches as he trails his live hand down to her core, softly
caressing the flesh there before he deems her ready and prepares himself to
enter her. She watches as he joins with her,
stifling a moan through her shoulder, their bodies becoming one for the first
time in so long. She watches as they
move together, although it seems to her that she is more being moved than
moving herself. She watches from this
displaced view as his lips travel to her breasts and then back again to her
mouth and she experiences the diluted feelings of escape and desire and
enlightenment as they both release at the same moment.

She
feels out of place here, as if the sensations and feelings flowing within her
cannot last. She is free at the moment-
but how long will this freedom last?

So this is how freedom dies�

The
words bring her back to reality, to his body on top of hers, still joined. They awaken
her mind again, the unbidden and unwanted
images appearing to her. And the
darkness- it threatens to overcome her, a shadow that grows as she feeds her
light to it, devouring the light of the love she and Anakin shared�the light of
the one entity they have become again.

And
she watches as the darkness begins to gather, to condense, to morph- into
Anakin.

Anakin is the darkness.

Anakin is the very thing that you
have feared all along.

Anakin is the darkness that has
haunted your dreams at night.

Anakin is the darkness that has
ripped you away from all that you have ever known.

Anakin�

Anakin�

ANAKIN!

And
with a scream, she jerks herself up from the wires and machines that have
monitored her condition for the last two years, her eyes dark with worry as she
fights to regain her breath, tears falling from her eyes as she tries to
remember it all.

�Anakin�my
Anakin�what has happened to you?�

And
the small machine, which monitors every movement she makes, blinks as it sends
a message.

She has awoken�
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Going Back to Yesterday