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Nothingness	By : PrincessLeia Category: Star Wars (All) > General Views: 4416 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Nothingness
- 1
Author: Clockwork Plum
Email/Feedback: elemonis@f.bg.ac.yu
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama/Romance
Setting: After the destruction of the second and
last Death Star
Characters: Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, Han Solo
Summary: Leia has some troubles which are the result
of her stressful life. Han tries to help her surpass them.
Status: Finished

Disclaimer: Everything you recognise belongs to the
ingenious Mr Lucas. The other things you do not, belong to me, as the idea of
the plot. The poem in the text is also mine, and is called "Nothingness".
So, please, don�t steal it from me!!! If you would like to use this story on
your site, just ask for permission, and I will gladly give it to you. I am not
making any money from this story, and am in no way related to Lucas, Lucasfilms
and so on�

WARNING!!! This story is rated NC-17 and is thus not for
kiddos. It contains a sexual scene between two heterosexual, deeply in love,
adults (who are also married). So if you find this content disturbing, don't
read this!

***

NOTHINGNESS

I can�t remember� what joy was?
Was it in the gentle smile of a child?
Was it in the nonchalant flight of birds,
In spring, or in snow, and the wind wild?

Leia�s eyes closed slowly,
painfully. She tried to call back her memories, from the times she felt strong,
powerful and happy. But there were no memories anymore, just a quiet, unbearable
feeling of nothingness. As if all things in this world had long ago stopped
having any meaning for her.

The world is only what we
create. There is no joy in the world, there is no pain, there is no love, if
there is only us to make it, to pass it into the world. If there is no joy that
I can feel, if there is nothing anymore that I can feel, does it mean I am
already dead? Am I sitting here, breathing, watching the cabin of the Falcon,
but with no life inside me anymore? Where has my world gone? With what has it
disappeared? What made it leave me?

She tried to search in her
heart again, her eyes still closed, for one sign of joy, for one sign of life.
But no, it seamed to her that her heart wasn�t beating anymore. She tried to
concentrate on the things she loved. On the Rebellion; which she had dedicated
her life and career for. Nothing still. Not even a disappointment! Just an
awful, unbearable emptiness.

She began from the very
beginning, from Han, and from the first arguments they had since they had met in
the Death Star. When he came with Luke and saved her. When the battle began with
new hope in her heart. Nothing. Not even a smile. Not even a shaking of her
head. But she could remember clearly the conversations and Han�s poisonous
words, which used to dig like a real dagger into her heart. No, there was no
pain. Emptiness again.

I can�t remember� what pain
was?
Was it in weeps that turned
into tears?
Was it in the bitter taste
of running blood
In the wound of a heart that
never disappears?

If Han�s grudges meant nothing
to her anymore, would his love mean anything? Would she be able to recall the
sensations of their first kiss? Of the warmth in his eyes, of the tenderness of
his hands? No, nothing again. Like none of it was real anymore; and not only
that, but it seamed to her that nothing of it ever happened. Like it was just a
nice dream, faded long ago. Was it possible she didn�t feel love for Han
anymore? Was it possible, after all he had done for her, after all the love he
unselfishly gave to her? No, no feelings, not even guilt!

If she didn�t love Han, she
certainly would love her brother, Luke. There was a strong Force binding them
together, and she could feel all his love he had for her. She felt loved. But
she had no idea what loving and being loved was anymore.

I can�t remember� what love
was?
Was it in the cries of a
broken heart?
Was it in this Sun, was it
in those eyes,
In all this infinity with no
end and start?

If she could open her eyes and
face reality in that moment, she would have cried, and cried bitterly. But she
didn�t feel anymore, she was deaf for all pain, for all joy, for all feelings.
She was blind for everything that flourished and smiled around her. But she
knew, she realised she had no feelings, no heart left. She knew that, without
them, she was dead. So, what about life? Oh, what that used to be? Wasn�t it the
time filled with emotions and always new hopes? Wasn�t it the time of strength
and desire? What happened, where all that got lost?

I can�t remember� what life
was?
Was it in the bright Sun
that won the skies?
Was it in all those feelings
long gone,
In all those smiles, warmth
and cries?

Leia sighed bitterly. This was
hard, this was a real torment. She tried to think of what she should do. What
remained of hers, let�s call it life? She was good for nothing anymore, just
sitting there and thinking, thinking without feelings, with no aim, with no
hope!

If only I could find a new
hope somewhere. If not inside me, for I am an empty wreck now, then somewhere
outside, in the real world� Yes, there is a real world out there, and there
still is pain and love, and light� Oh, if only I wasn�t so blind for the things
happening around me! If only I could feel something, a slight hope, if only I
could hear�

�Leia?�

That was something she had
heard. That was a voice calling her name. But whose voice it was, whether it
even existed, she couldn�t tell. Drowned so much in her own world, in her own
mind, she couldn�t tell it from reality anymore.

And then, there was a touch on
her face; a warm, yet rough hand touched her cheek, caressed it gently. If the
hand didn�t stay there, still stroking her face, she would have thought again
she was imagining things, that it was not real.

�Sweetheart, are you asleep?�

There was the voice again, the
same voice like before. And there was tenderness in it, like there was
tenderness in that stroke on her cheek, like there was tenderness in the name it
spelled before. Was it a weak, stirring feeling rising inside her? No, no,
probably just another delusion. She was clearly persuaded that feelings had left
her, long ago.

And a warm, tender kiss was
enough to melt the ice around her heart. Leia jumped, suddenly, like awaken from
a deep reverie, and her eyes popped open. She met a couple of warm, hazel eyes,
staring deeply into hers. She was distracted by their warmth for what seemed to
her like ages. The nothingness inside her, that had so intensively ruled some
moments ago, was replaced by a sensation she could not quite place � it was a
mixture of loss, of anxiety, of all the feelings she so stubbornly searched for
all these days and could not find; she couldn�t tell what was the feeling that
was the most persistent, and in all that chaos in her head, she sensed her hands
tremble. The eyes that were till then gazing warmly at hers must have spotted
that also, and two tender hands grabbed hers, preventing them from shaking
anymore.

She was lost for words. As if
hers only concern was to keep that overcoming bouillon of emotions from flooding
out of her, fearing she wouldn�t be able to control herself. She wanted nothing
else but to throw herself in his arms, and cry his name trough tears. And she
wanted it desperately. She felt like he was gone, torn away from her again, for
ages.

She then saw him smile to her.
And suddenly something flashed through her mind, and that flash were old
memories, including this smile of his she used to know only so well. And her
whole body trembled softly at this sudden flood of warmth that made her face
blush and her lips curl into a smile. She couldn�t believe she was actually
smiling again.

He opened his arms to welcome
her in his embrace, and she threw herself in, hugging him back tightly, as if he
were something precious she thought was lost.

�Oh, Han�, she chocked, tears
finally winning her, her emotions overtaking her, suddenly and rashly. And she
sensed, in the background of the sensations exploding in her, a tender lulling
of the arms of that man, that man she loved so much, without even realising it.

Although still worried about
her sudden and unexpected reaction, Han was happier than all those days that had
passed with Leia just staring blankly at him, with her face livid and her eyes
empty of any feeling, not even retorting anything to his ironic remarks. She
seamed like deaf and blind to everything, sitting all day on her chair, or lying
on her bed, that he couldn�t tell whether she was sleeping or not. She didn�t
even look up at him when he tried to tease her, she didn�t respond to his
touches and his kisses anymore. He presumed she was in need of some rest, now
that the war was finally over, but, even he tried to persuade himself by this
explanation, he never stopped worrying.

And now, here she was, in his
arms, crying and shuddering. She had even called him by his name, she had
finally recognised him. And he tried to soothe her, holding her small, frail
form in his hands, covering her with warmth, showing her his love. His head
rested on her long, unbound hair, and he didn�t hesitate to plant small kisses,
breathing on her sent. It was like a nightmare, these last days, with her gone;
he knew that she was there, near him, even sleeping next to him, on the same
bed, but away from his embrace, away from his kisses; she seamed so distant for
him. He was wondering where Leia was, his Leia, what happened with her and who
was that woman sleeping there beside him. But what kept tormenting him was why
that happened, was it something he had done wrong that made her distance herself
from him. And he kept wondering what that thing that took away from him the only
things he cared for might have been. So he searched into her eyes, into her
face; and was horrified by what he could see. For he could see nothing, not even
a flash of hope. She seamed to him like she was dead, with no feelings, with no
heart beating inside her anymore.

And he tried to approach her by
any means, he tried to hold her, kiss her, talk to her. But it was all futile,
she didn�t listen, she didn�t respond. She was obviously somewhere else, not in
this world, not with him. She probably didn�t have feelings for him anymore. And
he felt hurt, but never repented for anything he had done for her, given to her.
He knew he would still do anything for her that was in his might, and even try
to do things that weren�t.

And now, suddenly, she did
respond, she did stir at his voice, she did open her eyes at his kiss; she had
even smiled to his smile. And now, here she was, safe in his arms, crying still,
chocking his name! And he felt happy, satisfied, with a hope in his heart that
Leia, his Leia, his princess, was still here, with him and still loving him,
still warm and tender. And she was hugging him tightly, keeping him close to
her.

�Hay, sweetheart�, he managed
to say, making her look up into his eyes again. �It�s okay, my love.� And he
reached to brush away the tears from her now rosy cheeks, and lent down to kiss
her eyes, puffy and read from tears.

�Han, I��, her voice was a
whisper, as if she were afraid she would start crying again.

But Han left her no time to
finish. He captured her lips with his, and sensed them trembling slightly. He
knew she was now frailer than ever, and he tried to be careful, not to push her
into anything, afraid he might lose her again. But to his surprise she pulled
him closer, responding eagerly to his kiss, as if she had to feel him for years.
And for both of them, those days did seem like years. Leia was just back to
reality, and Han had just found again the being he so desperately loved.

Han broke from the kiss just to
look into her eyes again. He smiled when he saw they were of a warm, brown
colour again, that he could look at her and eventually say she was alive. And
she smiled back, weakly but gently, stroking through his hair, telling him by
her gestures she loved him as well, that she never stopped loving him even.
Those feelings were there, somewhere inside her all the time, but she was just
too weak and unable to find them, unable to search well.

�Oh, sweetheart, I missed you
so much�, Han said in a whisper, leaning to brush his lips against hers once
more.

�I missed you, too�, she said
against his lips.

And they were both bound again
in a passionate kiss, holding close to each other, and Leia shuddered as she
discovered a new sensation building inside her, even more powerful than all the
others. She pressed close to Han�s body, longing for his warmth.

�Han, love me�, she breathed
again against his lips.

He smiled to her, mesmerised in
her eyes darkened with passion.

�Why, I love you sweetheart�,
he said, more mockingly than ironically, and she smiled at that, knowing he was
just joking with her. She was happy to sense, see and hear, the same Han she had
known for all these years.

And she, unlike hersef, didn�t
retort to that. She was just sensing that need, that need making her drunk with
love and passion, that was telling her she had to feel this man again on her
skin, she had to feel him again inside her; she longed for the sensations she
remembered; for what he made her feel every time he loved her; she wanted to be
one with him, and she wanted it so feverishly.

�Han, please�, she pleaded
again, unlike herself. �I need you, I need you so much. It seems to me like
years have past and I have forgotten what love is. Please, Han, love me.�

Instead of being taken aback by
her unexpected reaction, Han himself felt the urge to love her and to be loved
by her. He took her with no words in his arms, holding her as if fearing not to
break her, and leading her into the bedroom, their bedroom. It was here he had,
five years ago, led the first woman he had ever loved for the first time, here,
on this very bed, it was that she was trembling from anxiety and fear,
experiencing that kind of closeness with a man for the first time; but she
seemed to trust him and he did his best to suppress his urges and be patient,
gentle, careful with her. And every time he lay there with her, he sensed he was
reliving an inexplicable and new sensation.

He led her down, carefully, as
if it were the first time; she was still trembling, and he covered her with his
body, trying to keep her warm, thinking she was actually trembling from cold. He
stroked her cheeks first, gently, not realising it was not the first time, that
she needed no encouraging, no reassuring. Her cheeks were still wet from tears,
but Leia was no more crying. He could sense her hands, still cold, on the back
of his neck, stroking him and encouraging him down for a kiss. Their lips met
again, and Han moaned, deluding himself again it was a sensation he had never
felt before. His hands moved over her nightshirt, down her thighs and
underneath, hungry to feel the warmth of her skin. She raised her nightshirt
upwards, and she deliberately pushed it over her head, laying completely exposed
to his hungry glance, that was eating her alive, as if he had never seen her
before. And his head fell on her chest, trailing small kisses all over her body
that was shuddering even more under the slight torture of his. Her hands were
still in his hair, roaming from his neck and over his face. Her head spun and a
moan escaped her throat as she felt his hands on her breasts, stroking lightly,
urging them to harden and then only make everything more unbearable as he
tortured her hard nipples with his mouth. She was surprised by the fact that she
was no more able to control her moans, and that they were so deliberately
escaping her throat; Han rose to her lips again, caressing gently her body, her
hips, as her legs parted for him to settle down between them. She felt him press
against her, sensing him hard, and she unwillingly started moving against him,
while he pushed onto her. Her hands were under his shirt now, trailing over his
nipples and teasing him in return, travelling over his back and then up to his
hair again. He moaned against her lips as she stroked him and pushed onto him,
and his hands left her breast only to move down, to tease her even more. His
fingers trailed down her curls and into her wetness, and she rocked against
them, her self control long gone.

�Han, Han, please�, she managed
to plead again, trying in vain to undo his trousers and urge him inside her.

But Han was not himself; it was
unlikely of him to just listen to her pleads and stop the teasing, undoing his
trousers and throwing them away; Leia felt his warmth against her, throbbing
lightly, again fearing he might hurt her. She put her legs around his waist,
urging him inside her. And he pushed, making her back arch in response, and she
moaned, just like the very first time; and he bent down to kiss her, reassuring
her everything was going to be all right, as he started thrusting inside her,
slowly and carefully, until she urged him into a quicker rhythm by her own
thrusts. These were the moments Han felt like in Heaven, like he had finally
found his lost Paradise he used to enjoy so much. He felt his love for his
princess growing with every thrust, and he always doubted that such a strong
feeling ever existed. Leia was feeling the same on her part, feeling complete
and whole with the man she loved, with his warmth and his love eliciting from
every inch of his skin; and she felt the burst of pleasure as he thrust deep
inside her for the last time before he came, warming her more if it were even
possible, releasing his hot liquid inside her; her muscles clenched around him,
spasmodically, and she moaned his name, burring her nails on his back.

He fell on top of her,
exhausted, covering her now sweaty body with his, rubbing his cheek against
hers. He moved the blanket to cover them carefully, as Leia never stopped
shuddering under all these sensations. He cuddled her carefully against him, his
arms around her, still stroking her occasionally. Her head rested against his
chest, breathing contently on his scent. And she had no need of searching inside
her to find the feelings of love, joy, and even more than that. They were there,
as her heart was there, as she was alive again. She loved this man and he meant
so much to her, she had to promise she would never allow herself to lose him
again.

�I love you so much, Han�, she
said, raising her glance to meet his eyes.

�I know, sweetheart�, he
smiled, planting a small kiss on her forehead. �Go to sleep, now.�

She smiled, closing her eyes in
satisfaction.

�But, Leia�� She heard him
whisper, �Promise me you will never again leave me like that!�

She smiled to him, giving him
her lips for another kiss.

�I promise�, she smiled. �Just
be here with me, hold me.�

And Han squeezed her tightly
against him, making her sure he had no intention and would never leave her,
whatever was to happen in the future. And he closed his eyes, giving in his
sleep, complete and happy to have the only being he loved so much sleeping
soundly in his arms again. She was so small, so soft, so frail. She was his
Leia, his princess. He knew he would never leave her, not now, not ever. Only
with her and beside her he felt alive.
- 1
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Nothingness