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More Than Darkness	By : SaMe Category: M through R > Once Upon A Time In Mexico Views: 4591 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the movie that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 85
- 86
- 87
Aida, her eyes red from crying, her face red from the
ice she'd used to reduce the swelling of what was already a blackened eye, and
feeling as if every bit of starch had been sapped from he soul, sat in a chair
by her bedroom door as the sun rose the next morning. She hadn't dared return
to sleep before Sands woke up and she could judge how he was going to act. And
even now she wasn't sure how being awake was going to help her if he wasn't
himself when his eyes opened.
Consciousness didn�t want to come back to him, but
Sands needed answers. Had she hit him? Why? Why had she done that? He didn�t
know and for that reason alone he forced himself to open his eyes to the world
again. He immediately groaned as a patch of sunlight found his eyes and a
throbbing headache asserted itself. �Aida,� he
muttered, sounding miserable. �Are you here�� he raised his aching head to look
around the room and let it fall back in relief when he saw her. His eyes
slipped shut again as he spoke. �You hit me. Why?�
"You don't remember?" she asked cautiously.
"Or is it that you simply believe you didn't deserve it for what you
did?"
�Of course I didn�t deserve it. I didn�t do anything
wrong to you!� he immediately regretted his yell as his headache pounded. It
was like being hung-over, only worse.
Aida turned on a nearby light so he could see her
swollen and battered face. If he still
said he'd done nothing...
Sands frowned at the sight of her, but it wasn�t a
frown of guilt but of anger and disgust. �Why did you make me do that to you?
Did you think I would enjoy it?�
Aida new tears slip down her sore cheeks. "I won't
be a battered woman, Sands. I refuse to be that weak. Besides, what if you turn
on Ian like this?" She shook her
head. "I'm leaving with Ian for a holiday. While we're gone I would like
you to start taking that
Lithium you got instead of the Haldol.
I believe it has some...undesirable side effects."
�You�re taking my son from me. Again,� he hissed,
sounding every bit as angry as he did last night though he was too hurt and
dizzy to do anything about it at the moment.
"Just for a little bit," she assured him. "If
you were to hurt him while you're stuck in this...mood..." Aida faltered, then gathered her courage. "I understand. I understand
the why behind my bruises. Ian wouldn't. He wouldn't understand if you hurt
him."
�I would never hurt him! He�s my son!� he hissed,
betrayed that she would think that of him. �Why are you doing this?�
"Because you once said that you'd never hurt
me," she said sadly.
�But I didn�t. I didn�t hurt you. I just�you had to
know. You�re mine,� he insisted. �You didn�t know. I showed you.�
"You showed me pain. Nothing
more." Aida stood up. "Today is Thursday. Ian and I will be
back Monday night. I promise."
�But why? Where are you going?�
he asked desperately, trying to sit up on the bed to look at her. �I don�t
understand.�
"Because if something weren't
wrong, you'd never raise your hand against me. And when you do that, I
worry for Ian's safety. I'm giving you enough time alone to stop taking the Haldol, and start taking the Lithium. Hopefully that will
be enough to keep us all safe."
�It takes longer than that to stop. If I just flushed
the whole bottle it would be�bad. Like withdrawal. Don�t go.�
"I have to." Her face crumpled. "Don't
you understand? You didn't just bruise my face. You bruised my heart."
�But I didn�t�you knew why I was doing it. You could
have stopped me but you didn�t. You didn�t say it. You didn�t stop me. Two
words and I would have stopped. You didn�t say them. You refused me. Two
words��
"They would have been a lie, Sands. I've given
you my heart. That's why it hurts so much now. But I've learned from the past
too, and the past tells me that I must keep a part of my soul for my own."
�But you said it earlier. You answered me. Why
couldn�t you say it then? I wasn�t hurting you. I was loving
you. Still you denied me. I was giving you everything you wanted, everything
you needed. I only asked for one thing in return and you threw it back in my
face, kitty. Why did you do that?�
Aida took a step back in alarm. "What did you
just call me?"
�What? I didn�t call you anything,� he responded with
a confused frown.
"Yes you did." She took another step back.
�Why are you moving away from me, kit�� His eyes
widened marginally as he realised his mistake. She wasn�t kitty, she was never
kitty. That was Jeffrey�s nickname, not his. �Spitfire.
You�re my spitfire,� he whispered, sounding as if he were trying to convince
himself.
"I have to go," she breathed. "Please,
do as I ask while I'm gone. I'll call and let you know that we got there
safely." Then Aida was all but running through the apartment and out the
door, leaving Sands alone.
Sands watched her go in shock, his mouth slightly
opened to speak words that were meaningless now. She had left. She had given
her orders like any good general and then retreated to the back of the line
where she belonged, leaving him alone on the front. He placed his aching head
in his hand for a long moment before curling up on the empty bed, wondering if
he could just go to sleep and wake up to find that this had all been a dream�
***
Ian was excited. This was the first time his mother
had ever let him make a phone call by himself. And he wanted to speak to his
father very much.
Sands was vaguely aware that
the phone was ringing but it seemed so very far and he was so very tired.
Violent tremors had begun to set in as he hadn�t taken a pill all day. He had
missed at least two doses and his body didn�t like it. Perhaps this was as bad
as it would get. He hadn�t really been taking the Haldol
for that long�perhaps he wouldn�t suffer the side effects of such an abrupt
discontinuation as he feared. Then again, perhaps this was just the beginning.
He was more inclined to believe that at this point.
The phone kept ringing and he found that he couldn�t
ignore it any longer. He could never ignore a ringing phone before. He didn�t
know what possessed him to try now. He moved wearily over to the source of the
noise and picked up the phone on the bedside table�he hadn�t moved from his
position on the bed all day�and answered, �Hello?�

"Hi Daddy!" Ian chirped into the phone. "Mommy
let me call you."
�Ian?� he whispered, wondering if he was still asleep
and dreaming.
Ian nodded,
blissfully unaware that Sands couldn't actually see him. "Guess what I had
for lunch today."
This had to
be a dream, but that was no reason he couldn�t go along with it. �Snails.�
Ian laughed delightedly. "No, Daddy! Guess
again."
�Alligator.�
"Noooo."
It was clear that Ian was not yet tired of their game. "One more guess, Daddy."
�Octopus.�
"No! I win!" Ian crowed.
�You win,� Sands repeated softly.
"Now you're s'posed to
ask what I had for lunch," Sands was informed in his son's sweetly
imperious voice.
�What did you have for lunch, Ian?� Sands repeated as
if by rote. This was a pleasant dream.
"Pancakes with a chocolate
chip face." Sounding ever so pleased with himself,
Ian continued, "And Mommy said we could go look for tidepools
tomorrow."
�That sounds like fun,� Sands said with a very small
smile.
"I hope so, because fun would make her
happy."
�She�s not happy?�
Ian shook his head. "I thought wearing her fancy
dress would make her happy but it didn't."
�This isn�t a dream it�s a nightmare,� Sands
whispered to himself. �Tell her to come home. I�ll make her happy again.�
"Okay." There was the faint sound of small
feet trotting and then Sands heard Ian say, "Daddy says you need to go
home to be happy, Mommy." Aida's reply was indistinct, but from Ian's sigh
it wasn't what he'd wanted to hear. "Daddy, Mommy says I have to go to bed
now, but you can tell me a make believe first."
Sands had a feeling that any story he told right now
would only end with the hero or heroine killed in horrible ways best not
described for a child�s ears. �Not tonight, Ian. I�ll tell you one tomorrow
about a snail, an alligator and an octopus alright?� This was not a dream at
all. This was reality.
"Promise, Daddy?"
�I promise, Ian.�
"And I can tell you about all the sea monsters
I'll see?"
�Yes, Ian.�
"Okay. I love you, Daddy."
�I love you too, Ian. Goodnight. Tell your
mother�nevermind. Goodnight, Ian.�
�Goodnight, Daddy." Ian hung up the phone.
Sands sat and listened to the dial tone for as long
as it lasted before dropping the phone on its cradle and hugging himself
tightly as he sat against the headboard of the bed. He wanted his son back. He
wanted his wife back. He hadn�t done anything wrong, but she seemed convinced
otherwise and he knew that unless he did as she had ordered, she wouldn�t come
back. She might have promised, but he didn�t believe for an instant that she
wouldn�t leave again if she found out he wasn�t doing what she had commanded of
him. What difference did it make really? Haldol, Lithium,
they served the same purpose. If exchanging one for the other was what it took
to get her to bring Ian back, then so be it. The alternative was unthinkable.
***
Sands� life wasn�t quite hell, but it was close. He
kept himself this side of sane through constant remembrance that he loved his
wife and son and that he was doing this for them. She won�t come back until I�ve done this. She said she would but she
won�t. She�ll leave again unless I do what she wants. The realisation
prickled his sensibilities, but what choice did he have? He was a slave to
love; a slave to his wife and son. He would do anything for them; even change
something that didn�t need to be changed. The Haldol
had been working. He had been doing fine. The voices had stayed gone and now he
was risking their return by switching medications. I�m not even completely off of this one yet, he mused bitterly,
feeling another shudder go through his body as he thought about it.
His days had been spent in a kind of daze, and god
how he hated the silence. That had been one of the first conclusions he had
come to after going on the Haldol. He didn�t
particularly miss the voices, he certainly didn�t miss Jeffrey�or so he
reassured himself�but he did miss the noise. He didn�t like silence. It made
him uncomfortable. As long as Aida and Ian had been around�especially Ian who
never seemed to grow quiet save in his sleep�he had been content. Now that they
were both gone� He sighed and turned his head so that his cheek rested on the
cool tile of the bathroom. After he had flushed the pills he hadn�t had the
will to leave so he simply sank to the floor and let himself become lost within
his own thoughts. He would do this because Aida thought he needed to. That
would have to be a good enough reason for him. He sat and shivered against the
cool tile and hoped she was coming home soon.
***
Despite her best intentions, Aida couldn't stay away
as long as she knew she should. If nothing had changed with Sands, she knew her
weakness hardly boded well for the future, but she felt guilty for leaving him
alone. Even after what he'd done to her. The guilt was strong enough to keep
her from enjoying her beach holiday with her son, even though Ian called and
talked to his father every night before bed. If Sands was seriously ill or
hurt, she'd know.
Rationalizations didn't help her stay away any more
than the lingering tenderness of her bruises.
So she packed up Ian and their luggage Sunday morning
after a decent breakfast - one made to prove to herself
that she did have some self control - and after a few hours of driving, the
arrived back in London.
From the moment they entered city limits again, Aida
felt her anxiety ratchet up with every turn down every street that would take
them home. Her hands grew cold and clammy on the steering wheel, and it was
only by looking more at Ian that at traffic that she was able to keep herself
from voicing her concerns aloud. Therefore she was completely unsurprised to
find herself a total wreck as she and Ian reached the landing her apartment was
on.
Sands was startled from his
reading by the sound of the door rattling. The sound was like a gunshot in the
silent apartment and for a moment he panicked. Aida�s not supposed to be back yet, is she? How many days have passed?
Who the hell is at the door? After a moment he realised he heard a key
turning in the lock but he didn�t retake his seat on the couch. He simply stood
and stared at the door, his book forgotten at his feet.
The door flew open and Ian ran in, leaving his mother
behind in the doorway. Aida watched almost fatalistically, waited for Sands to
swing out with fist or open palm, for the sound of flesh striking flesh...
Sands was surprised to see his young son bolting
towards him at full speed and had just enough time to spread open his arms as
Ian practically leaped into them. He immediately brought his young son in close
to his chest, lifting him off of the ground and holding him dearly. His family
was home again.
"Daddy!" Ian
yelled as Aida all but slunk unnoticed into the apartment and closed the door
behind her. "I brought you presents."
�You brought me
presents?� Sands asked incredulously as his concentration was focused on his
son rather than his wife for the time being. �What did you bring me?�
Ian reached down, then
frowned. "I can't reach my pocket, Daddy."
�That sounds like a problem then,� Sands agreed as he
set Ian back down on the floor. �There. Can you reach now?�
"Uh-huh." Ian rooted around in his pockets
for a few moments before pulling out his fists. "Open your hands,
Daddy."
Sands obliged and opened his hands in front of him,
pointedly ignoring the fine tremor he saw in his fingers.
Ian dropped two pebbles, a fragment of shell, and a
piece of taffy into his father's open hands, grinning as if he'd just handed
over the crown jewels.
�Uh�they�re very nice, Ian. Thank you,� Sands said
with as little hesitation as he could manage.
"They're my favorite," the boy confided.
"And that's the best taffy in the whole world."
�Is it really? I don�t think I�ve ever had any taffy
before. What does it taste like?�
The child considered the candy. "I dunno. Mommy does though." Ian looked around, but Aida
was nowhere in sight. "Where'd Mommy go?"
Sands honestly hadn�t seen her leave. �Let�s go find
her.�
Aida heard her menfolk
coming down the hallway and wondered if there was any point in avoiding any
conversation between she and Sands. From what she'd
seen so far - and that was his total ignorance of her - she knew nothing had
changed. But she couldn't gather the courage to confront her husband at the
moment, so she supposed it didn't really matter.
�Aida? Are you in here?� Sands called out, watching
as Ian went bounding into the room ahead of him. He knew that they needed to
talk, but he wasn�t about to have that conversation in front of Ian now.
Ian answered his father's question by immediately
asking his mother, "What kind is the candy I gave Daddy?"
Aida thought about that for a moment longer than she
usually would. Her brain felt heavy, as
if being here was oppressing her. "Butter toffee," she finally
murmured, not particularly caring if she was right or not.
�Ian, go play for a little while in your room, ok? I need to talk to your mother,� Sands said, smiling at
his son to soften the dismissal. �I�ll come to get you in a minute and then you
can tell me all about your holiday.�
Ian started to disagree but Aida interrupted before
he could start, terrified of what could happen if her small son displeased
Sands. "Please listen to your father, Ian." Her voice was
surprisingly clear of the fear in her heart.
�I promise I won�t be gone too long, alright Ian?�
Ian pouted, and stomped his feet, but slowly made his
way to his own bedroom, leaving Sands and Aida in silence.
Sands opened and closed his mouth several times
before he managed to say anything. �I did as you wanted. I�m not taking the Haldol anymore. I flushed it all. I didn�t�I�m sorry,� he
murmured, not looking at her. �I hurt you.�
"Are you saying that because you mean it, or
because you've been alone?" Aida asked cautiously.
�Of course I mean it.� He might have been lying. He
wasn�t entirely sure. But he did believe
he meant it.
"Like you meant you'd never hurt me?" The
words escaped before Aida could stop them, and she flinched out of reach before
he could "punish" her for them.
His face grew blank at her flinch and he took a step
away from her to further the distance between them. If that was what it took
for her to feel safe�then he�d do it. �I don�t know what to say except that I�m
sorry.�
"Why? I deserved it, didn't I?" she asked
bitterly, turning her back on him as she hugged herself.
�No one deserves that,� he said softly. �Especially not you.�
She whirled around, her eyes wide with surprise...as
if she hadn't hoped that he'd return to being the man who was her husband.
He winced openly at the shock in her eyes and shook
his head. �I�ve wronged you terribly, Aida. I fully expect you to hate me now.
I don�t�I don�t know why you came back. I don�t know if I would have if I had
been in your place.�
"Because it wasn't you who did those
things," she managed to choke out through a throat gone tight with relief.
"And because I promised."
�It was me,� he said with a bitter smile. �There
isn�t anyone else. Not anymore.�
"No," she moaned, all but flying across the
room. "Don't say that. Please don't say that." Her trembling fingers
placed themselves over his mouth as she buried her head in his shoulder, silent
sobs wracking her body.
Sands was at a complete loss as to what to do so he simply
wrapped his arms around her and tried not to stiffen in discomfort as she cried
on him.
It was a long time before Aida stopped, and even when
she did she didn't move away from him. She wasn't strong enough. The past few
nights had held only two or three hours of sleep for her, the rest of the empty
hours tormenting her with the possibility of once again being alone in a bed
for two, once again hiding from her husband's love.
�Shh, it�s alright, Aida.
I�m safe again,� he whispered, hating the very thought of there being times
when he wasn�t. �You�re safe. I love you.�
She murmured something unintelligible as she swayed
on her feet.
He simply held her even tighter, not about to let her
fall. �What did you say?� he whispered as he slow attempted to move towards the
bed with her.
"Had to come home," she mumbled into his
shoulder. "Had to know."
�Had to know what?� he asked as he moved her to lie
down on the bed.
"You. Had to know you." Aida felt her head rolling bonelessly on her shoulders and she forced herself to wake
up some. "No, I can't sleep. I'm sure you haven't been eating well. I
should make you something."
�I�m fine, Aida. You need to sleep more than I need
to eat. Rest, please,� he didn�t quite insist, but he didn�t fully let her up
either.
"But you and Ian both need to eat." She
sounded befuddled.
�And you need to sleep. Ian and I will manage. Rest,
Aida. Sleep, my love.�
Aida sighed and let her eyes fall closed. "I'm
so selfish," she murmured. "I don't want you to leave me alone."
A sad chuckle escaped her. "I'd deserve it though. Deserve it if you took
Ian and left."
�I would never do that. And you don�t deserve it.
Don�t say that again. He is your son. I would never take him from you.�
"It upset you that I left with him. I know it
did."
�You came back. I�m fine.�
Aida didn't believe him, but she lacked the strength
to tell him so.
�Listen, it doesn�t matter right now, Aida. You�re
back, Ian�s back. I�m not going anywhere and neither are you. Now please, get
some rest.�
"I could wait until tonight," she tried to
insist.
�No you couldn�t. You�d be flat on your face before
you knew it. You�re exhausted, Aida.�
"I should at least take a shower."
�You�ll just fall asleep standing
up,� he insisted with a sigh.
"Later then," she finally conceded.
"I'll just take a short nap. And then I'll make dinner for you. I know how
much you hate to cook." Aida yawned and rolled onto her side.
�Later,� he agreed without really agreeing at all. He
fully planned on letting her sleep as long as she needed. He could surely fend
for himself and Ian for one night. �Sleep now, my love, my spitfire.� He wanted
very much to kiss her but he didn�t dare.
A soft smile appeared on her lips as she sighed
deeply and relaxed. "Your spitfire...yes..." she murmured.
�My spitfire,� he responded and moved to sit on the
edge of the bed, determined to remain until she was deeply asleep. It didn�t
take long, and once he was certain she wouldn�t wake, he left to find his son.
***
Aida woke up many hours later. While she still wanted
to sleep, she felt less tired. And more dirty.
Shifting in bed to locate her alarm clock, Aida
noticed that there was an arm possessively wrapped around her waist. She gave
up on learning the time and gently removed Sands arm so she could get up. Now
was as good a time as any to shower, and then she could rejoin her husband in
bed.
Moving silently, she located her overnight bag and
took it into the bathroom with her, turning on the light only after she'd made
sure to close the door. Then, armed with shampoo and conditioner, she turned on
the shower and shed her clothing.
Sands frowned in his sleep and unconsciously searched
for what he had been holding only a moment ago. He knew that that something was
warm and smelled familiar and that he wanted it back. When he realised he
couldn�t find it�her�his frown
deepened as he woke up just enough to open his eyes to see that she was gone.
This puzzled him for a long moment until he heard a noise�the shower�and pushed
himself out of bed sleepily to follow the noise and find his wife. The door was
closed but he didn�t let that stop him as he opened it and breathed in deep as
the humid air enveloped him. It didn�t serve to wake him up any further
however, it just enforced his idea that she was in the shower and that that was
where he wanted to be too. He reached for the curtain.
Aida didn't notice his entrance. Her mind had all but
shut down the moment she found herself under the hot spray of the shower,
allowing her to feel as good as she had since that night. The
latest in a line of "those nights." There was just something
about cleaning the body that cleaned the psyche as well.
He only frowned again when he realised she hadn�t
taken notice of him and decided that words were needed. �Aida?� he whispered,
not wanting to startle her.
"Mmm?"
�Can I�I want to join you.� He had been about to just
hop on in without asking only a moment ago, but now that he was a bit more
awake he decided it would probably be better if he asked first.
"Alright." Aida
nodded, further showing her acceptance.
Since he had divested himself of his boxers in a
sleepy daze as he entered the bathroom, the only thing left for him to do was
to step into the tub and pull back the curtain behind him. For a minute he just
stood there looking at her across the steamy jets of water, not knowing what
else to do. He very much wanted to touch her, wanted more than to touch her, but he didn�t dare. Not with how their last
encounter had ended. No, he would just stand and look at her. That would have
to be enough for now. His body argued against him as he couldn�t help but
respond to the sight of her pink, wet, hot, naked flesh, but that couldn�t be
helped.
The way he didn't speak, didn't touch, didn't move
made Aida nervous. She opened her eyes and looked at him as if she suspected
him of being up to something.
His brow furrowed at her wary look, wondering what
she was thinking. �What�s wrong,� he asked at last, unable to stand the silence
and the look any longer.
"I could ask you the same thing."
�I�nothing�s wrong. I just wanted to join you,� he
said with a confused frown. �You said it was alright so I did. Should I not
have? Do you want me to leave? I will if that�s what you want.�
"But why did you want to join me? You're
just...standing there."
�You left,� he said simply as if that explained
everything. �I didn�t�I didn�t know if you�d want me to do anything,� he said
softly in answer to her query.
"Then why come in here at all?" Either this
was too hard for her tired mind to comprehend, or her tired mind was making a
mountain out of a molehill.
�Because I want you. Always.�
She laughed softly as they arrived back at the complaint
that had started it all. "Then why do you stand there?"
�Because I�m afraid you�ll move away if I try to
touch you,� he said softly.
"If I didn't want you here I would have asked
you not to join me."
Sands opened his mouth to say more and thought better
of it. Before he could lose his nerve he had crossed that hot spray of water
and met her, their naked bodies sealing together as he kissed her passionately.
He had missed her.
Aida squeaked in surprise. She hadn't expected him to
respond so quickly...or so passionately. But now that he was here with her, now
that he had her trapped in his arms, she had no intention of making him leave
her.
Sands swallowed her squeak as he took advantage of
her open lips to deepen the kiss. He wanted her, he needed her, god he loved
her. His hands moved to encircle her waist, bringing her even closer to him.
The increased pressure on his arousal made him want to simultaneously gasp and
bury himself deep into her, but he did neither as he kept kissing her.
When one large, hot hand moved from her waist to her
ass, Aida shivered, but willingly rose up on her toes. Sands deepened their
kiss as his hand started kneading her flesh in a manner that soon had her
swaying into him.
�Aida, Aida, Aida,� he whispered between quick hard
kisses as he broke away for air. �I love you, I want you, I need you,� he
gasped. �My beautiful siren, just look at you,� he breathed, clearly transfixed
as he moved just far enough away to get a good look at her. �I love you,� he
said again, his entire being focused on the truth of those words.
"I know you do." Her words were tinged with
the smallest bit of sadness. It might be
the death of me, but I know you do.
He caught the sadness in her voice and halted all
action immediately as if she had pushed him away. �What? What is it? What�s
wrong?� he asked desperately.
"Nothing." She reached
up and stroked his cheek. "Nothing for you to worry
about."
But he did
worry. Whatever had caused her to sound like that hadn�t simply gone away. But
damn it, he wasn�t made of stone. �Aida, tell me you want this too,� he
pleaded, inclining his head into her touch.
"Of course I do."
He wanted to believe her�so he did. His mouth found
hers again and his hips began to rock against hers as he kissed her. He needed
her badly. She had to realise that. He dimly hoped that it was the same for
her.
Aida moaned; while it was a sound of pleasure, there
was stress in it too.
"Sands�please, I want you to make love to me
right now. Right here. Make me forget everything but
us."
Her demand gave him pause but he was in no position
to deny her for long. With a decisive gesture he picked her up and braced her
against the slick tile, thrusting into her without hesitation. He moaned at the
sensation of her body stretching to accommodate his and was barely aware of her
legs locking tightly around his waist as he began to thrust into her. He kissed
the wet skin beneath his mouth, his tongue darting out to lick the water
droplets off of her skin.
Aida clung to him. It was pure pleasure to have his
lips on her skin and his body safely inside hers. But it was being held so
effortlessly in his arms that gave her a measure of peace.
Sands tilted his head back to look up at her and
found himself entranced. Her russet curls were spreading out from her head in
Medusa-like coils and he longed to reach a hand up to take a handful of her
hair and entwine the locks between his fingers. �You�re beautiful,� he
breathed, his voice rough with desire for her.
She wanted action, not talking. Not now. So she
covered his mouth with hers and demanded the silence she craved while she
convulsively clutched at his shoulders, demanding movement.
He wasn�t so far gone that he didn�t understand his
desires. Less talking
more love-making. Got it. He kissed her back hard, biting at her bottom
lip as her hands tightened claw-like on his shoulders. His pace had been
quickened and he could hear the impact of her body against the tile even over
the roar of rushing water.
Convinced that he wouldn't be speaking of love or
beauty any time soon, Aida relaxed, allowing him to lead the way to her climax.
She craved the few moments of absolute joy it would bring her. The accord it
would create between them.
Sands� breath was now coming in harsh pants as he
sought to drive them both to oblivion. He could feel her trembling around him
and knew that she was close and sought to join her when she came. It was always
better that way; he gave, she took, they practically breathed in one, their
heartbeats in synch. He bit down on her soft skin to muffle what had promised
to be a particularly loud moan and thrust into her even harder.
Aida murmured something about discomfort, but his
roughness barely distracted her from her goal. She just needed a little more...
His hands were surely bruising her waist just as hers
were bruising his shoulders but he didn�t mind in the least save that he didn�t
have a hand free with which to touch her. As he thought about it though, he
realised that he didn�t need one. He moved his head upwards as far as he could,
stretching to take one of her nipples into his mouth.
He sucked on it hard and was rewarded when a passion-filled moan passed her
lips. The very sound set his blood to boiling and he felt his climax creeping
up on him. He didn�t know if she would meet him or not, he no longer cared. He
was past the point of no return and all he wanted or cared about was relief. He
began to grunt around her breast with his thrusts now, each one bringing him a
hair closer to what he needed.
His mouth hurt. Tangling one hand in his hair, Aida
pulled his head back. Her eyes instantly met his, watching...wanting to see how
his release manifested in his eyes. Wanting to see if he found peace in this
like she did.
Sands wanted to let his eyes fall shut under the
onslaught of passion but having her watch him was better. He wanted her to watch.
He wanted her to see just what she did to him. He wanted her to see how much he
loved�� he didn�t quite get a chance to finish the thought as he was suddenly
climaxing inside of her, his mouth slack in a cry that was only soundless
because his throat had closed up at the sensation. His body bucked into hers
and his eyes never left her face. He laid himself bare before her and let her,
no wanted her to, see all of him.
Aida felt her body convulse around him, felt release
pound through her veins like a tidal wave. She felt the heat of physical love
swamp her body, leaving her utterly relaxed in its wake...
But her mind remained sharp. Disconnected.
The moment she realized it, Aida closed her eyes and
turned her face away.
�Aida, what is it?� Sands managed to ask, having seen
her look away. He gently lowered her back to the ground, lacking the strength
to hold her up any longer. He didn�t let her go however and he raised a hand to
turn her face gently towards him. �Talk to me, Aida. Please. Tell me what�s
wrong.� Tell me how to fix this.
She shook her head. "I don't know. But it must
be me. Something must be wrong with me."
�Why do you say that?� he asked with a concerned
frown.
No answer was forthcoming. She was too overwrought to
string even two words together, much less a plausible answer to his question.
Sands sighed and moved away from her only to turn off
the shower. The water had been cold for quite awhile now though neither of them
had noticed. �Come on, spitfire. Let�s dry off and go back to bed,� he offered,
hoping that she would somehow be better in the morning after sleep.
She nodded, clinging to his hand from the moment they
stepped out of the shower to the moment they climbed back into bed.
He let her lie down first before taking her in his
arms in a protective manner. �I love you, Aida. Sleep now and when you wake
I�ll be right here beside you.�
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry I couldn't...that I
didn't..."
�Shh, it�s alright, love.
Don�t worry about a thing.� He kissed her shoulder gently. �Just sleep.�
"I should have," she murmured as she let his
soft tone lull her to sleep. "I wanted to."

�Sonno, il mio angelo,�
he whispered, tracing his fingers across a perfect curl at the nape of her
neck.
"You haven't spoken to me in another language in
forever," she murmured. "I missed it."
�Dir� qualunque
lo desiderate anche, il mio amore. Vi farei qualche cosa per. Ti amo,� he whispered. I
will say whatever you want me too, my love. I would do anything for you. I love
you.
"Ti amo," Aida
whispered back.
A smile lit up his entire face to hear her respond
and he kissed her shoulder again as he pulled her closer.
"You'll be here when I wake up, won't you?"
Aida lifted her face as if to look at him, but couldn't quite open her eyes.
�There�s a good chance I�ll even still be asleep when
you wake up,� he answered her softly. �I�m not going anywhere.�
"Me neither."
�Good. Now sleep, my love. My
spitfire. I�ll do the same and that way we can wake up together.�
"I would like that."
Sands just kissed her lightly again, not wanting to
keep her awake by too much talk. �Goodnight, Aida.�
"Goodnight, Sands." She moved closer, practically laying on top
of him now.
Sands appreciated the closeness and wrapped his arms
around her, letting his eyes fall shut as he breathed in the scent of her hair.
She was his again.
***
To say the past month had been uneventful would be a
gross understatement. They had somehow muddled through, but the time had been
hard on both of them, Aida�it seemed�especially. He hadn�t liked the way things
had gotten between them. Their lives had settled into something of a dull
routine: wake up, have breakfast, attempt trivial conversation, take care of
Ian, have lunch, have dinner, go to bed. They still had sex, but it somehow seemed
more of a duty than a desire. Not that he was complaining, per se, but lately
it seemed that Aida was more desperate to get to the end than to enjoy the
journey. He shook his head as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror and
tried not to think about it. She was just a little blue, as of late. That was
all it was. He supposed these things just happened. She would come out of it
eventually. He sighed and knocked a pair of pills�still Lithium, he didn�t want
Aida to leave again so he didn�t dare change back to Haldol�back
with a sigh. He had grown to hate the innocuous looking pills. He hated the way
they made him feel. He hated the way he had grown completely dependant on them.
Most of all, he hated the goddamned way
his hands shook now. As if he were an old man rather
than someone not yet 30. It fucking pissed him off to no end. With a snarl of
rage, he clenched both hands into fists and banged them down hard on the sink
and bowed his head so he wouldn�t have to look at the mirror anymore.
He stayed in that bowed position for a long while,
ignoring his aching hangs until he felt something warm seep underneath his
fingernails. With a sigh he straightened and unclenched his fists with a hissed
intake of breath to see that his fingernails had cut into the tender flesh of
his palms. �Damn it,� he muttered, looking down to medicine cabinet beneath the
sink with a moue of distaste. He regularly avoided it for he knew it held
Aida�s�feminine products�within.
Telling himself he was being stupid and that a little alcohol on the cuts
wouldn�t be remiss, he opened the cabinet. The alcohol and his hands went
unnoticed as his eyes settled on the contents of the small cabinet. It might
have been stacked end to end with used tampons for all he knew as his gaze
wouldn�t leave the small prescription bottle with DEMEROL printed across it in
big block letters. While this disconcerted him it was nothing compared to the
fact that the prescription wasn�t even in her name. With a trembling, bloody
hand he grabbed the bottle and shook it. It�s
definitely not completely full anymore. Has Aida� God, he couldn�t even say
it aloud in his own mind. No. I don�t
believe it. She wouldn�t. There has to be an explanation for this. And if there
isn�t, I�ll kill her. He needed to have a good long talk with his wife when
she got home in any case.
Not too long later, Sands heard the front door open
and shut. He could hear Ian welcoming his mother home, and Aida's tired voice
responding.
Sands palmed the bottle of Demerol and sat calmly on
the couch. He would wait until Ian had gone back to his room. He had no
intention of leveling his accusations at Aida in front of him if he could avoid
it.
Ian came trotting out of the kitchen, a package of
sidewalk chalk in his hands. "Daddy, look what Mommy got me."
Sands accepted the package and read it over, quickly
understanding what it was. �Why don�t you go outside and draw pictures in the
back yard for awhile then? We�ll call you in for dinner.� Ian practically lived
in their modest fenced in backyard. Sands couldn�t quite blame him. As a child
he had spent as much time outside as he could, himself. Added to the fact that
they hadn�t even had a yard at Aida�s old flat, the enclosed space must have
seemed like a magical kind of wonderland to Ian.
"Will you come draw
with me?"
�Soon. I�d like to say hi to
your mother too, you know,� he said wryly, giving Ian a smile that didn�t quite
have to be forced.
"Okay." Ian happily took his tub of chalk
outside, settling right outside the sliding glass door where he could be easily
seen by his parents.
Sands took a breath and got up from his seat on the
couch to find Aida in the kitchen. He calmly took a seat at the counter and set
the pill bottle on the countertop with a loud thunk. He didn�t say a word. He wanted to see Aida�s reaction first.
Aida glanced over, saw the bottle, and assumed it was
one of his. "Did you decide to try a new prescription?" she asked as
she stocked the freezer.
�No, but apparently you did.�
From his vantage point, Sands saw the column of her
back stiffen, but she didn't turn around or say anything. She just kept putting
food away.
�What, nothing to say? I would think that the fact
that my wife seems to have become a drug addict would be a pretty pressing
topic for conversation, wouldn�t you?� he hissed. He was irritated�and yet
not�at how hard it was to get sufficiently angry at her. Stupid fucking Lithium.
"I don't know what you're talking about,"
Aida said softly, tossing her head so her hair rippled down her back.
Sands sat back on the stool with a grunt of
incredulity and hurt. �So you think I�m stupid, after all.�
"You're putting words in my mouth." Without
turning to him, Aida started folding the paper grocery bags with the kind of
precision that comes from avoiding something.
�Well you�re certainly not spewing forth anything of
merit save for meaningless denials that insult my intelligence, so why
shouldn�t I? That is, unless you�ve an explanation to offer. If so, do go on.
I�m all ears.�
"I don't want to talk about it." Having said that - as if it would be enough to stop him - she tried
to leave the kitchen.
�You don�t get a choice,� he said, his voice coldly
calm as he moved to take ahold of her arm. He kept his grip firm but not
crushing. He wasn�t trying to hurt her, but he wasn�t about to let her go
without an explanation either.
"Don't!" Aida threw herself away from him,
using unnecessary force to wrench herself free. He didn't try to stop her, so
all Aida did by her efforts was throw herself to the
floor.
Shocked and dismayed by this reaction, Sands crouched
down in front of her but made no move to touch her again. It was time for a new
tactic. �Aida, please. Talk to me about this. I don�t�please explain to me why
you�re doing this. Why you think you need this.� He gestured vaguely to the
pill bottle which was still on the counter above them.
She shook her head, then
flinched as he raised his hand to run it through his hair in his frustration.
The lines on his face only deepened with her flinch.
�I�m not going to hit you, Aida,� he said sorrowfully. �I just want to
understand.�
"That is why,"
she whispered. "I can't relax. I'm always waiting for the other you to
come out and beat the hell out of me."
�What?� he gasped utterly horrified at her words. �Why?
What have I�� He slumped to the ground as realisation set in. �When you left. A month ago. After I�you think I�m
going to do that again.� Congratulations,
bastard. You�ve turned your battered wife into a drug addict.
"You might," she said defensively. "You
didn't plan on doing it last time."
She laughed. It wasn't a pleasant
sound. "So you can understand that I have a hard time relaxing. Ever. Even though the only time I really expect it..." She
seemed to realize what she was saying, and stopped.
�Oh, Aida,� he whispered, not knowing what to say.
�What have I done to you?� When had she lost her vibrancy? Her
joy of life, her will to survive? How had the woman who had been
determined to beat cancer�and had, twice�become this?
"Nothing I didn't let you."
That did not make anything better so he ignored it.
�How long have you been taking them?� he asked his voice calm but his
countenance bleak.
"Off and on for...three
weeks?" Aida shook her head, unable to remember the date she'd
started stolen them from a coworker, much less when she'd started taking them. "I
couldn't...I couldn't relax when we were...intimate," she managed to choke
out. "I trusted you...there...nothing would have happened if I
didn't...but my mind...it never seems to shut down. So I thought..."
�You thought that taking them would help you relax,�
Sands said softly, not meeting her eyes just as she wasn�t quite meeting his.
�Did it help?�
"Sometimes."
�Then I�m sorry.�
"Why?"
She met his eyes in her confusion.
�Because you can�t keep taking them,� he said softly.
�You must know that, Aida. It�s�they�re not good for you.�
"It's not like I'm taking a handful a day,"
she immediately defended herself. "I'm not even taking one every
day."
�But you will. That�s what addiction is all about,
Aida. And Demerol is very addictive.�
"You're making me out to be some kind of
junkie," she said angrily. "I'm not."
�Then you won�t mind if I get rid of the whole
bottle?� He rose to his feet to do just that.
"Don't!" Aida stood and reached for the
bottle.
Sands wasn�t about to let her have it. �And your
reaction to my threat?� he pressed. �If you weren�t addicted, would you truly
be so against my getting rid of it?�
"What I'm against is you just throwing my things
away without consulting me. Without even giving me a choice," she covered.
�Oh, so you want to destroy them yourself? I�ll let
you do that if you think it�ll be cathartic. Oh and I didn�t realise that these
were yours. They certainly don�t have your name on them, now do they? Must be some kind of mistake.�
"Stop it, Sands."
�Stop what, Aida? Stop trying to help you? Stop
trying to prevent you from ruining your life? Our son�s life?�
"I hardly think I'm ruining my life. I hardly
even have one at the moment." Now
she remembered the day she'd swiped the pills. Her last day
with her troupe. She'd had to
quit to keep Salida from tracking her down through it.
�Then we�ll work on that. Without the pills. And they are
ruining your life. And they will ruin Ian�s life if this keeps up. You would
see that if you cared to look.�
"How does it hurt Ian to have a mother who's
able to function properly?" Aida demanded.
�You honestly think that someone who�s a drug addict
is able to function properly?� He shook his head. He didn�t want to have to get
into issues of moral high ground with her�he knew he�d lose every time�but what
other choice did he have?
"You honestly think I was behaving rationally
earlier?"
�When?�
"After...after I came back
with Ian."
�You were reacting the best way you could in a bad
situation,� he murmured.
"And how has that changed now?"
�I said you were.
You aren�t now. I know this fucking sounds clich�d and trite, but drugs aren�t
the fucking answer, Aida. You can�t keep taking them.�
"What are you going to do if I don't stop? Beat me?" she
challenged, even though she knew she was being deeply unfair to him.
His expression grew flat and his voice grew cold. �I
will take Ian away from you until you�ve given up the drugs.�
All color drained from her face. "You wouldn't."
�I will if I have to,� he said softly.
"I can't believe you of all people would use our son as a bargaining chip."
He ran a hand through his hair in a weary gesture. He
couldn�t believe it either. �You have to give up the drugs, Aida. He can�t lose
both of us,� he said softly. He had always counted on Aida to be the rational
one in their marriage; the reasonable one. Now�
"He hasn't lost any of us."
�He will.�
Aida didn't know what to say to that, so she said
nothing. She merely left the room.
Sands clenched his teeth at Aida�s hasty exit and
moved to follow her. He wouldn�t be swayed that easily. �We�re not done yet,�
he spat out upon catching up to her.
"That's not what you led me to believe,"
she fired back. "Or did my drug-addled brain not understand your ultimatum
properly?"
Sands sighed wearily. �I don�t want to have to make
ultimatums, Aida. But what choice do I have?�
Her face crumpled suddenly, tears coming to her eyes
faster than she could hide them. "What choice did I have?"
�Every choice,� he said softly, moving towards her
but not taking her into his arms though he dearly wanted to. �You could have
talked to me, Aida.�
"And what would I have said? 'Gee,
the reason everything's so strange between us is because I'm afraid that
someday you'll ask me a question and you'll break every bone in my body when
you don't like the answer?' Or would you have preferred that I say that I was
too busy watching out for Ian's safety in his own home to let my guard
down?" Aida took a step back, aware of the hurt she was causing. Even
these thoughts could be seen as betrayals strong enough to warrant physical
abuse. "I could see how you were struggling with the Lithium. I know how
much you hate taking it. I didn't want to add to it."
Sands was silent for a long
while, his eyes fixed on her and yet somehow not meeting her gaze. �I�ve no
excuse for hurting you, Aida. I never should have done it. Ever. And the Lithium�it doesn�t
matter. Taking them is better than the alternative. I�ll deal. It hasn�t even
been that long yet. But I still wished you would have come to me, Aida.
I�understand why you thought you couldn�t. You�re afraid of me now,� he said
with a bitter twist of his lips. �I�d always imagined it would happen sooner,�
he murmured to himself. �I�ll do whatever it takes to fix this, Aida. I want
you to trust me again. If you want me to leave, get counselling, whatever, I�ll
do it. I swear to you.� He took a breath and met her gaze. �I want us to be
better.�
"I want that too."
Sands let out a short sigh of relief. It wasn�t much,
but at least she was talking to him again. �What do you want me to do, Aida?�
"I don't know." If only things were that
simple. If only he were a knight and she the fairy tale princess and all she
had to do to ensure them a happily ever after was send him on some sort of
quest. But as always, life was harder than that.
He nodded. He hadn�t really expected her to. He�d
hoped, but not expected. �You think I�m going to hurt you, is that it? You
think if you say something I don�t like you�ll be�punished for it.�
"No...I don't think that. But perhaps...perhaps
we should...talk...about what happened that night." She shook her head. "We
never have, do you realize that? It's what's at the heart of the matter, and
we've never discussed it."
He nodded. �Let�s talk then.�
"Alright." Changing
directions, Aida led the way into the living room and took a seat in an
armchair.
�Alright,� he murmured to himself, following after
her to take a seat on what he was near to claiming as his couch. �I was�over possessive,� he started slowly.
"You thought I was denying you my love. Or at
least that's what I've been thinking."
He thought about that, trying to examine actions he
hadn�t been entirely aware of from over a month ago. �At first I just wanted to
know that you were mine. That I had your love.� He took note of what he had
said and nodded. �You�re right. But it wasn�t just that.�
"What else was it?" Aida truly wanted to
understand. If there was some insecurity she'd left untouched, she never wanted
to again. She wanted to be a good
wife. One who understood her husband. But he was so
prickly about her asking questions that she often didn't bother because she
didn't want to spoil temporary happiness.
He automatically shook his head before realising that
he had been the one to initiate the conversation. �I don�t�I don�t have much in
this world anymore, Aida. I�m materialistic by nature and all of my materials
have been somehow taken away. My home, my cars, all of it.
Sure, I still have a lot of money, I could buy more stuff, but those were my things. And now I�ll never see them
again. I know it�s not right, I know it�s not what you want to hear, but I
don�t want to lose you as I�ve lost everything else. I�ve been uprooted from my
life so many fucking times now that I don�t know what�s mine anymore. So when I
asked you, when I wanted you to answer me and you didn�t, I thought I had
somehow lost you along with the rest. And you mean so much more to me than
anything else ever could.�
"I'm sorry," Aida whispered. "That's
not what I meant by my refusal to tell you what you wanted to hear. Not at all." Aida looked down at her folded hands. "You
see, after I...after I fled here, I found myself
adrift. I didn't know myself anymore. Perhaps it would have been easier if I hadn't
been pregnant, but I was. So here I was in a strange country, without any means
of emotional or financial support, and I was a stranger to myself. I'd...I'd
willingly given up everything I had been for you. I never lied to myself about
that. Never tried to tell myself that my life had been taken
from me. I gave it up without much of a fight. And I swore I was never
going to do that again. I was never going to submerge myself to become what
someone else needed of me. I would do my best to give to others what they
needed from me, but at the end of the day I had to be able to look in the
mirror and see myself. That's why I
couldn't say those words back to you."
�You�re not a possession, Aida. I�ve never thought of
you that way. But how you felt then is how I feel now. How I�ve felt ever since
I came back. I spent two years thinking only of somehow getting to you.� He
didn�t bother elaborating. She knew what he had intended. �I didn�t think of
myself, I didn�t think of the future, only that. And now�I don�t like moving
any more than you do, Aida. For 26 years I�d only lived in three places: my
parent�s mansion, school, and my apartment. That�s it. And now�� He looked
away. �I need some kind of permanence that I�ll never have. That�s why I needed
to hear those words. I needed to know that you were constant, permanent, mine.�
"I can be constant, Sands. And my heart belongs
to you and to Ian. But I must keep my
soul. That's what I need to be centered. And I'll try to be permanent, but I
think that's a lot to ask of any mortal."
�I know. And I�m sorry.� But it�s what I�m asking.
His voice conveyed some of what he was thinking and
Aida just looked at him sadly. "It's not enough, is it? What I'm able to
offer."
Sands opened his mouth on a denial and found he
couldn�t say it. He tried again. �It�s everything.�
"You've had everything. You're used to having
more than everything."
This wasn�t as easy to deny because they both knew
her question was practically rhetorical. He had been a billionaire living on
his own at 18. He had always had all that he�d ever wanted and more. �I�m not
used to it anymore.�
Her eyes told him she knew he was lying
to her and to himself if he actually believed that, but she said nothing.
�You can�t be expected to give more than you�re able
to,� he said as if reassuring himself of this fact rather than her. �It�s
selfish of me to ask.� There. That�s
right, isn�t it? I shouldn�t ask for more than she can give. It�s wrong to. Selfish. Supposedly.
"Am I being selfish by asking that you take Lithium
instead of Haldol?"
�No�I don�t know. It�s just more of the same, right?
It shouldn�t make any difference.�
"Am I being totally irrational for thinking your
behavior that night was somehow connected to the Haldol?
Because that's why I wanted you to stop taking it. I
thought that would fix everything."
He shook his head. �I don�t know, Aida. I
thought�what I did�it all made sense at the time. I don�t think I was
irrational. I�m still not complete sure�nevermind.�
It was too late. The damage had been done. Aida's
eyes closed in pain then rose as if weighted. She looked at him, trying to
understand, but unable to.
�Imagine being sure of something. So sure that you�d
argue with anyone who tried to tell you that you were wrong. That�s�how I feel
sometimes. Only I know that what I do
is wrong on one level or another. But the feeling that I�m right is so much
greater; it�s so much easier to listen to. That�s part of how I feel,� he said
with a frown. �I should have tried to explain this to you a long time ago. I�m
sorry I didn�t. Do you�want me to go on?�
She nodded hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure she was
going to like what he had to say.
He took a breath. �The rest is apathy. It�s more than
that, but that�s the easiest way to explain it. I don�t care about other people
because they mean nothing to me. I don�t know them; I don�t want to know them.
Whether they live or die makes no difference to me because it has no effect on
my life. Guilt is a concept most of the time. Not a feeling. I know that it
exists but I don�t feel it. It�s�like trying to imagine what loss feels like
when you�ve never lost something. Or maybe I do feel it and always have but
somehow have always been able to ignore it. I don�t know. Killing�� he paused
and took stock of things. �You don�t want to hear about that.�
"No," she agreed softly.
He nodded. �Did this help at all?�
"I don't know. I need time to think about it. Because
if I don't, I'm going to come away from this thinking that you said the concept
of abusing a wife is generally considered wrong but can sometimes be gotten
around, and I know that's not what you meant."
He nodded again, keeping his silence. He was glad
that she wasn�t taking everything at face value, for she was correct; he hadn�t
meant that at all.
"Did anyone ever beat you up?" Aida asked
seemingly out of the blue.
�What? When?�
"Anytime."
He gave her a one-shouldered shrug. �My parents
didn�t ever do anything. It would have been beneath them. I got into an average
number of fights in school. In prison�well it was never anything bad enough to
leave marks.�
"But do you know what it feels like to be held
down, and helpless, and scared for your life?"
He shook his head. In prison he had always been too
angry, too indignant towards his aggressors to ever feel afraid. And he was
never helpless. At least, Jeffrey wasn�t. He had a vague memory�it couldn�t
have been his�of managing to attack a guard even while chained up. He didn�t
remember the punishment for that incident, but he imagined it had been pretty
steep.
"Oh." He didn't understand - truly understand - why she was so upset
then. And she couldn't understand why he wasn't.
�Oh? That�s how you felt?�
She nodded. "You're bigger than I am. When you
hold me down..." Aida shook her head and looked away. "Most of the
time I don't mind. Most of the time I like it."
�But sometimes you�re scared.�
"Sometimes," she breathed. "When
you're someone I don't know."
That didn�t need any clarification therefore he
didn�t ask for any. �I�m sorry.� He didn�t know what else to say.
"Why? Because you've learned by now that I'd
like you to be? Or because you really are?"
�I apologise for my actions, not for the
circumstances. I am only just now gaining control over those. I am myself now
for the first time�in a long time. But I am sorry that I caused this.�
Aida could accept that. "Are you hungry for
dinner?"
He shrugged. �Not really. But I�m sure Ian is.�
"I'm not very hungry either. If you don't mind
just eating whatever tonight...?"
�I�ll manage,� he murmured.
"You sure?" There
was a touch of humor in the back of her eyes; the last time he'd set foot in
the kitchen, he'd managed to set a pot holder on fire.
�Very funny,� he murmured. �I�ll just have a sandwich
then. I think the oven�s out to get me.�
"There's potato, macaroni and Italian pasta
salads in the fridge. And I bought some iced tea. Not as good as I could make,
but I didn't have time today."
He nodded, slightly bemused that she was playing so
hard at acting as if everything was back to normal between them and that the
bottle of Demerol riding in his pocket somehow wasn�t real. Did she think he
had forgotten about it?
"I bought things to make rice crispie treats. Have you ever had those?"
�Considering I�ve never even heard of them, I�m going
to have to say no.� He would continue the charade awhile longer. It was almost
as if they were a happy family again. He had missed it.
"Well, Ian and I will make some tonight. They're
very good." Aida glanced out at the back porch to see their son covered in
chalk dust from head to toe. "Umm...if you wouldn't mind hosing down our
son, I'll make him a sandwich or something."
�I can do that,� he said with a small frown at Ian�s
appearance. �But we need to talk after he�s gone to bed, savvy?�
"About what?"
About what, she
asks. Fuck. �About what I found earlier, Aida.�
Her posture indicated that he could talk until his
face turned blue. "If that's how you would like to spend the night, you're
welcome to," she said in a voice free of emotion.
�It has to be,� he murmured and left to get Ian
cleaned up for supper.
***
"Ian asleep?" When
Sands walked into their bedroom, Aida wasn't within sight, but the only way out
of the room was the bedroom door. And Sands locked that behind him before he
went in search of his wife.
�Either that or he�s getting very good at faking it,�
he murmured, walking through the bedroom. �Are you ready to have that talk
now?�
Either the Lithium was throwing him off, or he was
more concerned with this talk than he wanted to admit, because Sands was more
than a little surprised to find Aida's white arms slipping around his waist
from behind. Her body followed closely afterwards, pressing insistently against
his back.
�What are you doing, Aida?� he asked, turning his
head to the side to catch a glimpse of her.
"I never said I planned to jabber the night
away," she murmured as her hands went to work pulling his shirt out of his
pants.
�We need to talk,� he murmured, not stopping her, but
not letting himself be so easily manipulated either.
�This isn�t just going to go away just because you want it to.�
"There's nothing to go away. I haven't taken
anything since last week." She let him make of that what he would. The
truth was today was Monday and she'd taken one Saturday afternoon while he'd
been occupied with Ian. But she let her hands do her talking for her, her
nimble fingers unbuttoning his shirt from the bottom up.
�The fact that you started taking them at all means
that something has to go away for things to be better,� he murmured, trying to
ignore what she was trying to do without actually trying to stop her from doing
it.
"If your clothes were to go away things would be
better." His shirt unbuttoned, her hands slipped back down to his waist to
get rid of his belt.
�If my clothes were to go away would mean that
nothing would be better because nothing would change between us,� he murmured,
grabbing her hands at his waist. It killed him to do so, but he had to stop now
while he still could. �You�re an addict, Aida. I know it and you know it.
You�re addicted to Demerol because you think it can give you something you�ve
lost. It can�t. It�s only taking more of your life away from you.�
As he pulled her into sight, Aida knew exactly how much
life was displayed by her outfit. She was in a leather bra and miniskirt that
fit like a second skin and emphasized her curves in all the right places. Silk
stockings were held up by lacy garters that disappeared under the hem of her
skirt and a deep forest green silk robe brought out the red of her hair. She
was wearing fuck-me-now heels and red lipstick guaranteed to leave a mark on his
libido as well as his body. All in all she thought she looked thoroughly
distracting.
�Oh,� seemed to be all Sands had to say to that. He
swallowed and took a breath and continued on in a dull clearly
not-entirely-paying-attention-to-anything-but-the-beautiful-woman-standing-in-front-of-him
voice, �Why are you doing this? What are you trying to prove?�
"That I'm fine. I haven't lost sleep. Or
weight." Well, not much, but at least it'd all come from her waist.
"Or desire for my husband." He continued to hold her wrists, but Aida
stepped closer, her breasts just barely grazing his chest.
�You�re not fine. You�re an addict,� he whispered
though it sounded as if he were only repeating a line rather than really trying
to convince her.
"No I'm not. Unless we're
talking about my dependency on you." She moved her arms behind her
back, pulling him flush against her body.
�The pills have to go, Aida. They�re going.� There
was a definite breathiness to his voice now and the look in his eyes definitely
wasn�t one of concern for her well-being.
"What pills?" she asked rhetorically as she
arched her back. Their lower bodies pressed together and she knew she'd won.
The only answer he gave was a short intake of breath
at her movements an instant before he captured her lips against his and kissed
her hard.
Safe in his arms, Aida hooked a leg around Sands' hip
and moaned as he flexed against her.
He pushed off her robe with one hand and moved the
other across the top of her leg and under her skirt. He was through talking.
Aida gasped; Sands' fingers were cold. Then she
moaned as he started to warm them up.
He knew that she liked what he was doing so he didn�t
bothering asking about it. He simply let his fingers do the talking for him.
His fingers teased, circling the source of her need
while he occasionally scraped a thumbnail against her clit. Aida in no way
imagined that she was in control any longer. The shivers running up and down
her spine would have been proof to that even if Sands' arms hadn't been so uncompromising
in their clasp. She could wiggle like a worm about to be speared on a hook -
the double entendre inspired a new set of delicious quakes - but there was
nothing she could do to stop Sands.
She will be
mine again. The thought shot through his head before he could stop to
consider just what it meant. Not that he was particularly capable of rational
thought with a willing hot-blooded woman mere centimeters
away from him wearing nothing but a little lace, leather and a smile. God I love her. No, I want her. I love and want her. He decided that further
thought was unnecessary and unwanted and focussed his attentions on kissing her
while his hand continued to move between her legs.
While there was nothing she could do to stop him,
Aida discovered there was a great deal she could do to encourage him. Namely,
she sank one hand into his hair and jerked his head back so she could feast on
his neck at her leisure.
Sands just shot a mildly feral grin up towards the
ceiling, more than willing to allow her this one small liberty. However, he
certainly didn�t have the patience to fill an ant�s thimble so much more of
this and he would probably have her against the wall, on the floor, on the bed
if it was close enough but it wasn�t completely necessary. He figured she was
probably aware of this. And if she wasn�t, well she would be soon enough.
Aida pulled his head around so she could bite at his
ear. He repaid her by no-so-gently grinding the pad of his thumb against her
clit. She whimpered loudly against his neck, then
whispered, "Take me against the wall, Sands."
�You read my mind, sweetness,� he gasped, reaching
down to yank down his pants and underwear. He stepped out of them gracefully
and lifted her up and pressed her against the wall, thrusting his hips up to
meet hers once they were both aching for each other. He wasted no time in
setting a rough pace, and he grinned to hear the leather of her skirt creak as
it was stretched up over her hips.
When a single drop of sweat trailed down her spine,
Aida realized just how hot he'd made her. She heard the chorus of gasps and
sharp moans that were filling the air and understood that most of them were
hers. The point of this little exercise was to make Sands forget all his
concerns; Aida hadn't known his reaction would do the same to her.
Sands swallowed what moans and gasps he could but
even so he heard a few pass his own lips and found he didn�t really mind one
way or another. Let her hear what she
does to me. She�ll appreciate it. The feeling of a hot, wet body
surrounding yours was enough to make anyone let loose and moan.
"Do you...do you like this?" Aida gasped
into his ear between thrusts. "Do you like feeling your body bully
mine?"
Part of him sensed a potential trap in her words and
warned him to take caution, but the rest simply didn�t care. �Fuck yes,� he
agreed.
"You like having this outlet for the violence in
your soul."
That small cautioning part was growing louder, but it
still went relatively unnoticed. �Yes,� he hissed, punctuating his answer with
a jarring thrust that forced her against the wall.
"Because you know you can trust me with
it."
�I do trust you, Aida. Most times,� he grunted, unaware
she was somehow playing master interrogator while his mind was on other
matters.
She whimpered as he started to loose a bit of his
control. He wasn't hurting her - quite the opposite in fact - but his passion was
a lot for one woman to take in. Especially when she was straining her control to
get her questions answered. "When do you not?"
�When I�do something to upset you,� he gasped,
lowering his head to nudge his mouth beneath the leather of her bra to tongue a
single hard nipple.
Her body jerked as if touched by a live wire and it
took her a moment to recall his words.
"Wh-what do you think I'll do?"
�Send me back.� His words were in the form of a
breathy moan.
"Never. I tried that
once. Didn't work." She kissed him deeply before
pulling away. "I figure I'm stuck with you now." Her words were meant
to be teasing. She just hoped he knew that.
For his part he wasn�t quite listening anymore. She
could have been saying that her name really wasn�t Aida but Andrew and Ian
wasn�t really her kid and he would have simply nodded and grinned, having not
heard a single word. The only thing he did hear was the sound of his own blood
rushing past his ears and the chorus of grunts, groans and gasps they made
together. It was all he wanted to hear.
Aida gave up when it was clear that Sands wasn't
listening any longer. Not that it really mattered when he was making her feel
so good. Sexy. Yes, he made her feel sexy by his
reaction to her. And that in turn allowed her to return the favor.
�Aida.� Her name was a weighted plea. He didn�t know
what he was asking for only in that it needed to be asked for. He loved her, he
wanted her and he needed her. Right now. He could feel
sweat running down in thin hot rivulets down his spine and he imagined that it
was her touch. He could feel her body grabbing a hold of his and was more than
willing to never be let go. Her legs were wrapped around his waist as he held
her against the wall and he knew she was loving every
minute of this. As he all but shoved her against the wall in a vicious thrust
he knew that he was loving it too. This was sanctuary.
"Sands," she moaned back as she braced some
of her weight on his shoulders to give him a better angle inside of her.
Sands whispered a curse as he felt his world
shifting. Just a little more and he�d fall off and fly away. He nipped at the
underside of her chin and kneaded the curve of her ass as his body pounded into
hers.
Aida whimpered as Sands thrust into her so deeply
that it felt as if he'd rattled her heart. And then he did it again...and
again...and suddenly it was more than she could take and she went up like a
firework on the Fourth of July.
�My little minx,� Sands groaned around a blissed grin as he felt her explode in his arms. It didn�t
take much after that before he was arching so far backwards into her with the
force of his climax he felt as if he were practically bent back over double. He
felt his knees buckle and might have fallen and dropped her were it not for the
fact that she pulled him up to lean against her and the wall. He laid his head
on her shoulder and closed his eyes as he fought to regain his breath and
equilibrium.
Convinced that she had naught to worry about, Aida
rested her cheek on the crown of Sands' head and relaxed - truly relaxed - as
she took pleasure in feeling her body return to normal. Sands
was still buried inside her, and every now and then one of them would
shudder with aftershocks, eliciting sighs and other soft sounds of enjoyment.
Sands� skin itched with sweat beneath the shirt that
was never quite pushed from his shoulders and he was barely still on his feet
and holding her, but he had no desire to do anything but rest against her.
Questions of drugs and psychosis were so far from his mind they were
practically at the other end of the galaxy.
"Take me to the bed, my love," Aida finally
murmured.
Sands simply did as he was directed, managing to
carry her to bed through force of will. He laid her down on top of the sheets
and took the briefest of seconds to push off his shirt and join her, taking her
up into his arms once more. He felt as if he were about to melt into the
mattress he was so relaxed and sleepy. He breathed in the exotic mix of scents
they had created together and sighed with a lazy smile on his face. He had been
well and truly distracted from their earlier conversation and was now too far
gone to care.
"Sands? Was there
anything else you wanted to say to me?" If there was, then she was going
to start stripping off her lingerie and see where that got them.
�What?� Had
there been anything else? He couldn�t remember. Wait, yes there very well
fucking had been. �Why don�t you trust me? Why don�t you trust yourself?�
"What makes you think I don't trust you?" Aida
turned onto her side and kissed his cheek.
�You don�t trust that I�m trying to help you.�
"Seems to me like you're the
one who doesn't trust me. Didn't I say that I don't need any help?"
But I want to
help you, Aida. I want to fix this. Sands remained silent.
When he didn't say anything or move to return her
affection, Aida sighed. "I'm going to change into some pajamas. I'll be
right back."
�Alright,� he murmured, wanting to say more but not
having the words. He didn�t want to put off talking about this because he
didn�t want to make things worse, but then again forcing her to talk about it
could make things worse as well. It was lose-lose any way you looked at it and
he fucking hated to lose. He sighed and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling,
one arm tucked beneath his head in lieu of a pillow. He could already feel his
fingers growing numb but he didn�t care. He cared about so little now that when
he did finally bring himself to care about something or someone; he found that
he really did care. A lot. He cared about what she was doing to herself. He
cared about how it would affect Ian. He cared about a lot of things regarding
his wife and son. He didn�t care nearly as much about himself, but he never
really had if he was being honest with himself. He cared about Aida, he cared
about Ian. That was enough. Now if only she could just see that he was worried
about her. That he cared.
***
"Mommy! Mommy, you have
to shut your eyes." Ian came running into the house without a care in the
world�and without a parent in tow. Aida tried to get to the front door to look
for Sands, but Ian wrapped his arms around her legs. "Shut your eyes,
Mommy."
Deducing that father and son had cooked something up
between them, Aida shut her eyes and tried to stay upright. It was hard to do
with her legs pinned together and her son's weight leaning into her.
Sands winked at Ian from the front porch and smiled
when his son let out a delighted laugh. He then put a finger up to his lips and
mouthed �shhh� while holding up a large bouquet of
daises in his free hand. He took a step forward and placed the daises directly
beneath Aida�s nose. He was childishly tempted to tickle her with the white
petals, but he refrained for the moment. There was always time for those kinds
of things later. �Open your eyes, spitfire.�
She did, and immediately grinned with delight.
"Sands...they're beautiful." She took the daisies from his hand so
she could better admire them. "I didn't know you remembered."
�Of course I did,� he said with a smile, happy that
she was happy. �I also remembered that you like dark chocolate.� He held up a
small box of truffles. He had initially wanted to get her more, but Ian had
chided him that too much chocolate was bad for you. Sands had been disinclined
to agree, but he had bowed to his son�s wisdom all the same.
"I helped pick," Ian volunteered.
Aida ruffled his hair, but leaned forward to kiss
Sands' cheek. "Thank you," she whispered, for his ears only. It only
seemed right since she was thanking him for not bringing up the subject of the
stolen Demerol as well. It'd been a week since he'd found them and he hadn't
once tried to raise the subject again.
He simply bowed his head in a nod. His smile might
have wavered a little, but then again it could have been her imagination. �I
think she likes them,� he mock whispered to Ian with a conspiratorial grin on
his face. He could dance let her dance around the issue all she wanted and he
would do the same, but sooner or later toes were going to be trod upon.
"Do you like them, Mommy?" Ian asked
earnestly.
"I love them. I'd love anything you or Daddy
brought me." Aida bent down and kissed the tip of her son's nose.
"Then can Daddy bring home a baby?"
It probably wasn�t the smoothest reaction he might
have ever had, but Sands managed to keep some amount of decorum at least while
seemingly choking on air.
Aida was just as shocked, utterly speechless as she
looked down into the innocent eyes of her son. Finally she was able to
murmured, "I don't think it works quite that way, Ian."
�It could,� Sands offered once he had taken a moment to
assimilate just what Ian was asking for. �You bring babies home from
hospitals.�
Aida sent Sands a swift look of disapproval then
looked back down at her son. "And why would Daddy want to bring home a
baby?"
Ian shrugged. "Katie just got a little
brother."
Nodding her head, Aida supposed that explained
everything. Whatever Ian's friend Katie did, he wanted to do too. She just
hadn't realized that extended to wanting a sibling.
Sands just sent Aida a look back in return with a
puzzled tilt of his head as if to say, �Why can�t Ian have a brother or sister
too?�
Aida just shook her head and swooped
Ian up into her arms. "It's naptime for all good little boys."
"But I'm not tired."
"But you are a good little boy, aren't
you?" Aida gently tickled Ian's sides, causing peals of laughter to escape
his mouth. Then she carried him into his room, smiling sweetly when he laid his
head on her shoulder and waved goodbye to Sands.
Sands managed to break through the wave of deep
thoughts he was currently drowning in to wave back, but it was near thing. He
took a seat on the couch and considered: did he want another child? What
surprised him the most was the fact that he did. He did want another son or daughter.
Moreover, he wanted all the things he had missed when Ian had been born. He
wanted to hear a first word or witness first steps. He wanted it more than
anything. That is, except for seeing an end to Aida�s habit.
When Aida reappeared, she was still shaking her head
and her lips were turned up with silent laughter. "That son of
yours," she declared as she flopped down on the couch beside Sands. "I
swear he and Katie have a severe case of monkey see, monkey do."
Sands didn�t join in on her laughter, he simply
looked at her. �Do you want another child?� Well, let it never be said that he
lacked subtlety.
Aida's smile died as she realized that he was taking
this seriously. "Well...I'd imaged that one day...or at least I imagined
that after you came back..."
�Was there an answer in there?�
"Why do you need one right this instant?"
she asked.
�No�I just,� he frowned. �I want to know what its
like,� he murmured.
"What what's like?"
�Seeing a child open its eyes to the world for the
first time,� he said with a bittersweet smile.
"But do you really want another child? Or just a
replacement for what you missed with Ian?"
He frowned. �I would never think of a child as
replacement for something lost or missed.�
"No," Aida said softly. "I don't
suppose you would." He was much too aware of the responsibility a child
represented to do that.
�I just thought�maybe Ian would like having a brother
or sister. Maybe it�s not just mimicry. And maybe I�d like to have another
child too,� he said with a small shrug. �It�s not really up to me though I
guess, so if you don�t want to have another one right now or ever, that�s
fine.�
"I never said that," Aida murmured,
thinking. Did she want to have another child with Sands? Yes. But that would
mean giving up Demerol... And she'd already found how difficult that would be.
�Does that mean�?�
"Does it mean what?"
�Does that mean that you want to have another kid?
You never really said.�
"I would like to have another one of your children," she said slowly.
�What do you mean?� he asked, wondering about the
emphasis that the child was his. Who else was there?
She shook her head. "Nothing.
It's just that I'd resigned myself to only ever having Ian. But you came
back."
�I came back,� he agreed solemnly. �I had to,� he
added after a moment.
"I'm glad you did," Aida murmured before
falling silent.
�I�m glad I did to,� he answered. Except for the whole being a mortal enemy
with Jeffrey again and having a drug addict for a wife, but who doesn�t face
those kinds of problems? �Do you really want to have another child?� He
still wanted a definitive answer. She had agreed as much, but he wanted more
than that.
"I'll have to..." Aida swallowed hard as
her throat closed up on her. "I'll have to stop..."
�Yes.�
"Do you know how hard..?"
�No, I don�t. I can�t even imagine. But you�re not
alone, Aida. I�ll help you.�
"I'm not taking them because of you
anymore." It suddenly seemed important for him to know that.
He nodded. �I understand.� He wouldn�t ask why she was still taking them. He could figure
that part out for himself well enough.
"And I'm not scared. Of
you."
�No?� That he found he had to ask about. He needed
some sort of reassurance.
"No." Aida turned on the couch until she
was facing him. "How could I be when you're normally so very good to
me?"
�I shouldn�t have to try, but I am,� he answered
softly.
"I've noticed." She wanted him to know that
his attention to her of late hadn't gone by unnoticed.
�Have you now,� he asked with a hint of wryness.
"I have. You've been uber-considerate."
�I should have been �uber-considerate�
earlier. I�m sorry I wasn�t. Ian�s a good motivator. I think he likes to buy
you things even more than I do.�
"He likes to see us on good terms."
�Are we?� he asked with a curious tilt of his head.
He thought that they were, but he wanted to hear her take on things.
"Not as good as we could be," she whispered,
sinking down into the couch. "And that's my fault."
�Why do you say that?� he asked, turning so that his
entire body was inclined towards her.
"Because I'm so stupid.
If my parents could see me now they'd be so ashamed of me."
�I don�t think they would. They might be worried, but
I don�t think they�d be ashamed of you.�
"Ian's never asked about them, but I worry about
what I'll tell him when he does."
�You could just tell them that they died and leave
further explanation until he�s older,� Sands suggested with a slight nod of his
head.
Aida sighed; this really wasn't something she
actually wanted to be talking about.
He nodded, picking up on her reluctance and willing
to leave it at that.
"You really do like children, don't you?"
�I like my child.
Children in general don�t bother me though. I don�t particularly like them, but
I don�t dislike them either. I wouldn�t harm a child.�
"I suppose that's what I meant, that you like
having children of your own." Aida tucked herself into the curve of Sands'
arm, arranging him to please herself.
He let her settle herself before speaking. �I guess I
do. I�ve never really thought about it, but yeah, I think I do. I like watching
Ian learn new things. I like watching him change and grow.�
"If we have another baby, it won't be exactly
like Ian."
�I know that. I wouldn�t want them to be exactly like
Ian.�
"Do you...do you have a preference?" Technically,
Aida knew they would both be happy just to have another healthy child. She
couldn't help but wonder though what her husband was thinking.
�I want Ian to have a brother,� he said after a
moment�s consideration.
"Why?"
He shrugged. �I always wanted a brother. I want Ian
to have someone to play with, someone to get in trouble with. Not that I don�t
think that a girl couldn�t do all the same things that a boy could, it�s just
that I�d think it more likely with a boy.�
"Would you like a daughter though?"
�Yes.�
"Why?"
�Because she�d be beautiful.
Because I�d spoil her rotten. Because
she�d have me wrapped around her little finger from day one.�
"As if Ian hasn't done that
already." There was a smile on Aida's face that she tipped her head
back to allow Sands to see.
Sands opened his mouth as if to make a retort and
closed it without saying a word, a small smile coming to his mouth as well. �Ok
so he�s got me. We�re going to have to watch out for him as he gets older. He�s
already far too clever for his own good,� he said wryly.
"As if you're not on to him.
You just want to spoil him rotten."
Sands gave her a smile that was a bit on the smug
side. �Why wouldn�t I? He�s my son.�
Aida smiled, then closed her
eyes as the smiled faded. "So...goodbye Demerol."
�It�ll be worth being rid of it, Aida. I swear it to
you.�
"I know." A weak smile made its way back to
her lips. "I'm going to be unpleasant to be around for awhile."
�I�ll be here for you, Aida. No
matter what. I�ll take care of you if you let me.�
"Just don't let me snap at Ian. I don't want to
hurt him."
�I won�t,� he said solemnly.
"And tell me if I start to treat you unfairly.
This is my fault. I know how much you've worried. I don't want to make you pay
for this anymore than you already have."
�I�ll be fine,� he assured her. �You don�t need to
worry. We�ll get through this together, Aida. You know we will.�
She nodded even though she was sure of no such thing.
"I suppose it's time to get rid of them then."
Sands quirked a single eyebrow at
that. He had been under the assumption that she had gotten rid of them. Although, he wasn�t really all the
surprised that she hadn�t. He didn�t blame her for the deception, though. She
hadn�t lied to him exactly, more withheld the whole truth. �I suppose so.�
"Come with me?"
He nodded and let her rise to her feet first as she
was leaning against him. �Lead the way, Aida.�
Aida walked into the kitchen and dug around in the
back of the shelf where she kept all her cooking herbs and spices. She'd known
it was one of the last places Sands would ever look. Now she felt somewhat
guilty for so ruthlessly hiding them.
Sands kept a frown from his face by reminding himself that he wasn�t blaming Aida for this. He accepted
the pills in silence and enclosed his fist around them as if he wanted to
squeeze them into nothingness. �Is this all?�
"Yes." She couldn't meet his gaze. Once
again it was that intense stare that made her feel as if he could see into her
mind and soul. "I know how you try to avoid the kitchen."
�Sorry. I know how you�ve tried to teach me not to. Alright. Would you rather not see me get rid of them? I
don�t want to make this any harder for you than it already will be, Aida.�
"No. I want you to watch me do
it. Because I can." Her tone sounded as if she
was trying to convince herself of that. "I can do this for our
future."
He nodded. �I�m proud of you, Aida,� he whispered,
handing the pills back to her without further ceremony.
Slowly, she walked over to the sink and started to
run the water. Slowly, she removed the cap. Everything was so...innocent...when
she looked at the small pile of pills. All her lies to herself were justified
when they were "just pills." But then she looked at Sands and knew
that they weren't just pills. And that her lies were nothing more than lies.
Before she could stop herself, Aida dumped them down
the garbage disposal and turned it on.
Sands immediately took her into his arms and held her
close. �Thank you, Aida.� He might have said more, but that seemed to sum it
all up.
"It was never supposed to be like this." She
accepted the comfort he was offering. "I just...I didn't know what to do. And
that was an easy way to deal with everything."
�I wish that the easiest choices were always the
right ones, but the world doesn�t work that way.� He said this softly, and it
was clear he wasn�t just applying it to her own
situation.
"I wasn't supposed to hurt you."
�I�m not hurt, Aida. Don�t worry about me,� he
assured her, rocking her back and forth a little in his arms.
This time, Aida decided to take his words at face
value and not argue that yes she had hurt him, she knew it, he
didn't have to hide it...
"I'll never do it again. I promise."
�I believe you Aida,� he said, placing a soft kiss on
her forehead.
"I'm glad."
He nodded. �Come on; let�s go sit outside for a
little while. It�s a nice day out.�
"That sounds nice."
�Good. Then come on. Let�s enjoy the nice weather
while we have it. We can even take in a little of that fresh air that�s
supposed to be so good for us. It�ll be an experience.�
"For you." She
gently nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. "Although
you've been out here with Ian a lot."
He shrugged. �Ian apparently doesn�t have my aversion
to the outdoors. And he wouldn�t let me stay inside while he went out.� Ian was
under the belief that everything he experienced and enjoyed had to be shared
with his parents.
"He likes spending time with you. Besides, you
spoil him, remember?"
�Yes, but spending time indoors can be fun too,� he
muttered though he wasn�t nearly as upset as he let on and Aida knew it.
"There's no bugs to
discover inside, or things to climb on since I've declared that furniture is
not a jungle gym, or as many toys to play with..." Aida reached out and
was going to open the sliding glass door, but Sands stopped her, opening it
himself.
He then affected a deep courtly bow, clearly enjoying
himself. �After you, milady,� he said in passable British accent. Sands, it
appeared, could blend into new countries and cultures with relative ease,
picking up the locals accents without difficulty.
Aida wasn't so bad herself, considering her
livelihood. "Thank you, peasant." She took
off running, knowing that she'd pay for that one.
Sands chased after her, his lips quirked in a grin
the whole time. He didn�t really put much effort into catching her, however.
The chase was just as enjoyable�if not more so�as catching her was.
One of Aida's favorite things about their new
backyard was the huge tree that took up an entire corner. She wasn't sure what
kind it was, but it had great branches for climbing. It was there that she
eventually took refuge, clambering up the branches like a pro until she could
look down at Sands.
Sands for his part didn�t have much experience in
climbing trees and Aida knew it. �You want me to start calling you �my little
monkey� now, is that it?� he called up to her wryly, making no move whatsoever
to climb up after her. He liked his neck in one piece, thank you very much.
"Come up," she invited as she dangled her
feet. "This is an easy one to climb."
�So you say,� he murmured, not moving.
"Come on.
It's just like walking; put one foot in front of the other."
�I was under the impression that walking required
one�s feet to remain on the ground, spitfire.�
"Fine, it's like taking the stairs. Come keep me
company."
�I thought I was keeping you company. We are having a
conversation, you realise.�
"Sands!" Aida put
her hands on her hips and pretended to frown.
�You bellowed, my love?� he asked with a smirk.
"Please come up?"
He sighed. �Do I have to?�
"Please?" Aida knew he'd like it - or at
least hoped he would. Everything was so green and peaceful up here. And it truly
wasn't a hard tree to climb. It was almost as if a past owner had cut all
bothersome branches out of the way to make a staircase of sorts.
Sands sighed again but moved to do as she asked. He
found no real difficulty in climbing the tree, he was cursed with too much
natural grace not to make it up easily, but there was hesitancy to his
movements which belied his feelings that men did not belong in trees.
He took a seat next to her with care and clasped his
hands in his lap, his eyes focussed on the ground. �Thusly I answer milady�s
summons.�
"Thank you, peasant."
Aida wrapped an arm around the trunk to steady herself before leaning over to
kiss his cheek.
Sands tensed at the gesture, half certain that such a
thing as a simple kiss would cause them both to fall. �You�re welcome,� he said
after a moment.
Sitting more securely on her branch, Aida closed her
eyes and lifted her face. "There's more of a breeze up here."
�I suppose so,� he conceded, though he hadn�t really
been bothered by the lack of one on the ground.
Aida's lips quirked. He
sounded miserable and trying to hide it. "We could climb higher if you
wanted."
Sands silently tilted his head back carefully to look
further up the tree. �If that�s what you want,� he said softly, trying not to
sound as resigned and miserable as he felt.
"I'm teasing." Reaching over, she took one
of his hands in hers. "Why don't you like being up here?"
�Who says I don�t?� he tried, not wanting to ruin the
fun she seemed to be having.
"Your voice does."
He opened his mouth to respond with a further denial
but decided it wasn�t worth the effort. �Alright, I don�t.�
"Why?" She glanced over. "It's no big
deal if you really don't want to tell me. It's not even a big deal if you want
to get down."
�It doesn�t matter why I don�t like being up here.
It�s a stupid reason anyway and it�s in the past. Why do you like being up
here?� he asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from his thoughts
and feelings without fully meaning to.
Aida sighed, wishing he'd trust her with the things
that made him uncomfortable. It was a bit hypocritical considering the mess she
was in, but she was still put out. Not enough to nag him though.
"Things seem simpler in trees for some reason. We
used to have a treehouse when I was little. I think I
used it the most when I was in middle school and needed privacy to think about
things."
He nodded thoughtfully at her words, still staring
down at the ground and remaining very still on the branch as he spoke,
�Needless to say, I never had a treehouse. I used to
think I wanted one though.�
"You could build one with Ian. When he's big enough to be climbing trees unaided."
He shook his head. �He doesn�t need a treehouse.�
"Why not?" For
some reason, that struck her as a strange thing for her husband to say.
�If it wants up in the tree I�m sure he�ll climb it
whether we want him to or not. He doesn�t need a treehouse
encouraging him.�
"Sands, what's wrong with Ian climbing the
tree?"
�Nothing,� he muttered with a shake of his head.
"Do you want him to stay out of the tree? Even when he's big enough to safely climb it?"
�It doesn�t matter. If he wants to climb it, he�ll
climb it.�
"I think it does matter." She squeezed his
hand. "You don't have to tell me...but I'd appreciate it. And it's not as
if I'm going to recoil is horror."
�Will it make any difference if I tell you?� he asked
evenly.
"Will it make a difference in my thinking? I
don't know. Will it make a difference for you? I don't know. I don't even know
that if Ian asked you for a tree house, if you'd actually be able to refuse
him. But I do want to understand you. And to back you up on
your decisions, even if you don't tell me the reason behind them."
Sands looked at her intently for a long moment before
speaking. �When I was six or seven my parents threw a large dinner party at the
house. Naturally, I was expected to show up; the good and obedient male heir. I
was the only child present and bored out of my young mind so I snuck out.
Somehow I ended up standing in front of an enormous 300 year old oak on the
very edge of the grounds. Its thick branches were low enough to the ground that
even a child could climb them easily. I knew I wanted to climb it, knew I had to climb it. So I did.
�I�m not entirely sure how high I climbed, I just
remember wanting to climb high enough so that I could see the house and the
party. It was nearing full twilight and I don�t know how I expected to find my
way back down to the ground in the dark, but as it turned out, it didn�t
matter. I was at least twenty feet in the air when I fell. I�m still not sure
how it happened, it seemed as if I just let
go. Perhaps I did. I don�t know. If I hadn�t hit nearly every branch on the
way down, each one slowing my fall, I probably would have broken my neck when I
hit the ground.� He paused again, looking across the expanse of the lawn but
not seeing anything but the images of his memory.
�As it was, I was very lucky. With a broken leg and
shoulder, I made my way back to the house, knowing that no one would come for
me out there. I showed up in the middle of the party, clothes torn and
bloodied, a limp arm hanging at my side and a rapidly swelling leg that I was
doing my best not to put any weight on. And you know what that bastard that
called himself my father did? He took me aside where we wouldn�t be seen and
all but slugged me for ruining his party. Apparently he had been in the midst
of some kind of fucking multimillion dollar deal when I arrived and
interrupted. I think he later made the deal anyway, but that didn�t matter
then. It was the only time he ever actually hit me, and the last time I ever
climbed a tree. Was it all you wanted to hear?� he asked, not able to help the
bitterness in his voice. The look on his face was dark and full of rage, but
with a slightly shaking breath, Sands calmed himself and forced his face to be
expressionless once more.
"No," she said softly. "Do you think I
like hearing how you've been hurt? But if I don't, then how do I understand the
reasoning behind what you say and do?" Once again squeezing his hand, Aida
continued, "I understand now why you don't like being up in trees. Even
that fall alone is enough to traumatize. But, if Ian one day fell out of a
tree, and he was hurt like you were, do you think you'd get mad at him and
blame him for it?"
�I would think that he should have been more
careful.�
"As would any parent. You can't imagine the
scolding I got when I leapt out of my window to catch fireflies. But I was
taken care of, and hugged, and kissed first." Aida laughed softly. "Falling
out, and in, and over things is a part of childhood."
Sands didn�t quite have an appropriate response to
that, so he remained silent.
"We can get down now, if that's what you
want."
�Do you want to get down?�
"It doesn't matter to me."
�It seemed to earlier. You were happy to be up here.
I know you were.�
"And I still am. But you're not, and all I want
is to be with you."
�I�m fine, Aida,� he said determinedly. �We�re not
even that high up off the ground.�
Aida shrugged and leaned back. "I'm only taking
you at face value because you want me to," she informed him, but there was
a teasing note in her voice.
He nodded silently and briefly shut his eyes and
furrowed his brown in concentration before opening them again to look at her.
�We can stay up here as long as you like.�
"Actually, my butt is getting a bit sore."
Sands wasn�t entirely sure she wasn�t just saying
that, but he wasn�t about to argue over an exodus from this tree either. �Then
we can go back in the house if you want.�
"Actually, I was thinking about getting some
yard work done." Even though they had a sprinkler system and Sands had
insisted on hiring a lawn care service to see to their grass getting cut and
fertilized, and their bushes getting trimmed, Aida liked to do some of her own
work. So the flower beds were hers to do with as she pleased.
Sands shook his head in bemusement as he moved down
from the tree with slightly exaggerated care. �You plant your flowers. I�m sure
I�ll find a way to entertain myself somehow,� he said once he was back on the ground.
"You could always help me." Aida followed
with more confidence, though she didn't scramble down the way she would have before
he'd told her his story. She didn't want to worry him.
He raised an eyebrow in an unvoiced �Could I now?�
"You don't want to dig holes in the dirt?"
�It wouldn�t be my first choice of spending a day,
no.�
"I'm not talking about big holes," Aida
said innocently as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "They only need to
be three or four inches deep. That's like...three trowel scoops."
�It doesn�t sound as if you�ll have any trouble
managing them, then. Carry on,� he returned, a dim spark of amusement in his
eyes.
Aida stuck her tongue out and lightly pushed herself
away. "Fine."
�I could sit and supervise,� he offered.
"That's very generous, but I think I can
manage." Aida smiled wryly, then kissed his
cheek. "Go take a nap or something. I'll wake you to help me with
dinner."
Sands almost replied with something inane like,
�sleep is for quitters,� but refrained when he realised he was indeed tired. �I
guess I�ll be inside then, if you�re sure.�
"It's a lazy Friday afternoon. There's not much
else to do."
He looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding in
agreement. �I suppose,� he murmured. �I�ll be in the house. Try not to plant
yourself in the garden accidentally.�
"Ha-ha. I didn't know I was getting a comedian
when I married you." She gently pushed him towards the house.
He smiled back at her over his shoulder at her
comment before glancing up at the tree briefly. His smile dipped a little at
the edges but didn�t completely vanish. �Don�t let me sleep too long,� he
murmured.
"I won't." She winked at him.
�Right,� he said, not fully believing her but not
really minding either. �Farewell, milady. Until we meet again.� He gave her a bow and retreated into
the house before she could call him a peasant again.
***
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More Than Darkness