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More Than Darkness	By : SaMe Category: M through R > Once Upon A Time In Mexico Views: 4591 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the movie that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 82
- 83
- 84
"Sands... Sands, wake
up. I've got to go to work."
Sands was unceremoniously jarred to tense
wakefulness, moving as far away from whoever had decided to wake him so
abruptly with a mixture of abject fear and grim resignation as to what was
coming next. He blinked at her blankly for a moment before recognition finally
dawned. �Aida? What�?� He looked around, seeing that he was still in her
apartment. He didn�t remember falling asleep.
"It's going on eleven. After you told me last
night that you don't often sleep anymore, I decided to let you."
�Eleven?� he asked incredulously. He hadn�t slept
that long in�he couldn�t remember when. �Uh�thank you.�
Aida stroked his forehead fondly. "You know me. I'm
a big supporter of sleep."
Sands frowned curiously at her causal touch but
allowed it. �Sleep�s generally overrated although I�m not complaining about
getting some last night.�
"I didn't think you would. And let me tell you,
I had a hell of a time keeping Ian quiet."
The image of Ian excited to see him still here in the
morning coaxed a small smile out of him. �Thank you,� he said again.
"You don't need to thank me. It was the least I
could do."
He was going to shrug but as soon as he moved he was
stretching stiff muscles from spending a night on her couch. �Still.
Thank you.�
"Did you want to spend today with Ian?"
�I would�but before long Jeffrey will want to know
why he�s not at home. I don�t want him around Ian�or you.�
"You think he would harm Ian?"
�I think he would harm you.�
"Well...I expected that. But that doesn't worry
me. Ian's safety worries me."
�I don�t think he would hurt Ian. We don�t�I�ve never
killed a child before. I couldn�t.� He could orphan it would a second thought
but that was different.
"Alright. Just me then."
He nodded. �Just you. And
sunrise�be wary of her as well.�
"I don't intend to see her anytime soon."
A corner of his mouth turned up sadly and he gave a
soft snort of resignation. �I figured as much.� She could never come back home.
If she still considered any of the places they had lived in home. She would
never share the same house or hotel or apartment with Salida and Jeffrey for if
she did it would be the last thing she ever did. Things could never be the
same. While he had known this before; known it since he had
accepted that she had indeed betrayed him, this new insight only served to
depress him further. �You�d better get to work. I�ll just go back to
Salida and Jeffrey�s.� It wasn�t his home. It would never be his home. �His
little demons need a lot of supervision anyway,� he muttered.
"I understand. And I don't want to deprive them
of their father any more than I want to take you away from Ian." She
sighed. "Will you come back?"
�I couldn�t stay away for long.�
"Alright." Reluctantly,
Aida moved away from the couch. "Be safe."
�Yeah,� he murmured dully, rising from his seat with
another slow stretch. �You too. Knock �em dead, break a leg, whatever.
I�ll be back when I can.� He turned and headed for the door. �Tell Ian I said
goodbye.�
"I will."
Sands just nodded and headed out without a further
word.
***
Sands sat on Aida�s couch days later, a prisoner
within his own mind once more. He tried to call out, tried to warn her that he
wasn�t in control any longer, but his lips were pressed shut leaving his
warnings to echo throughout his own ears, never reaching hers. He felt himself
rising from his usual seat on the couch�he had been near to falling asleep
again�and he fought. It was no use. Jeffrey had learned strength over the past
year. He had learned how to take further control over him than he ever had
before and Sands found that more than disquieting. No! Aida! I�m not me! It�s Jeffrey! Run! Still, his words fell on
deaf ears.
�Good afternoon, Aida,� Jeffrey said pleasantly
enough. Sands felt his intentions though and he fought even harder.
Aida looked up. Her arms were full of grocery bags;
that was the reason she didn't have Ian with her yet. She'd wanted to put her
things down before collecting him.
"I haven't gotten Ian yet. If you want to,
you're more than welcome."
�Oh, that�s alright,� Jeffrey agreed with a smile,
following her into the kitchen. �I�m sure I�ll see him soon enough.� He made
his way surreptitiously to the knife block he saw out of the corner of his eye.
It was time to put an end to this traitorous bitch�s life.
That's odd.
Sands usually jumped at the chance to spend time with his son. But when she
turned to look at him, he had nothing more than a bland look on his face. Odd. "Was there something you
wanted to talk to me about?"
�Yes, actually there was.� He moved even closer to
the knives, wrapping his hand around the hilt of one of the larger ones while
her attention was occupied with putting away groceries.
No! Aida! Turn
around! Sands screamed at her, pushing at Jeffrey�s consciousness with all
his might. All that showed of the battle they waged within was a slight twitch
at the corner of Jeffrey�s mouth as he pulled out the knife. He was a man bent
on revenge and revenge was a strong motivator.
"What is it?" Why do they put all the canned goods into the same bag?
Jeffrey had the knife in hand now and was casually
moving up behind Aida, the blade gleaming sharp and dangerous within his hand.
�You kept me away from my wife and children for over two years. Did you think I
was going to just let that fucking pass, kitty?� he hissed, bringing the knife
around to slit her throat.
�NO!� Sands screamed, forcing Jeffrey to throw the
knife into the sink with every bit of will he had left. �Aida....run!� he tried, but it sounded weak within his own ears.
�Fuck you, Sands. You had your chance to kill her and
you pussied out. Now it�s my turn,� Jeffrey hissed,
moving to grab the knife again.
Acting on a burst of pure adrenaline, Aida whirled
around and clapped her hands to either side of Jeffrey's head...forgetting she
was armed with two cans of beef stew.
Jeffrey dropped as if she had taken his legs out from
under him rather than clocked him in the head with a couple of cans of soup and
did not get up again. He was apparently out cold.
"Oh no..." Aida dropped to her knees and
hesitantly shook her husband's shoulder. "Sands?"
Sands� eyes seemed to roll beneath their lids in
response, but she could have imagined it.
"Sands? Please wake up.
I'm sorry. I forgot I was armed."
She was answered by a low groan but he still didn�t
open his eyes or move.
"Sands..." Worried, she moved her face
closer to his.
�Ow,� he murmured after
long last, not quite up to anything else. His hands slowly moved up to cradle
his head but his eyes remained tightly shut as if opening them would only make
things worse.
"Sands?"
�Hm?� he muttered, cracking
a single eye open to look at her. He immediately shut it again as his entire
head erupted in a splitting headache that sent his world spinning. �Aw fuck,�
he groaned.
"Sorry," she whispered, reaching out with
delicate fingers to probe at the areas she'd bashed. "You startled
me."
�Ow. Don�t,� he tried to
bat her hands away unsuccessfully. �Jeffrey, he�� Sands immediately sat up
straight, his memory of the events that had transpired returning. �Fuck are you alright? He was going to kill�� he cut himself off
once more as he had to lean backwards against the counter as his vision
doubled, crossed and went sideways all at once.
"Shhshhshhshh...I'm
fine. You stopped him from stabbing me. You saved me."
�I couldn�t�I can�t lose you Aida. I love you,
alright? I never stopped loving you. I don�t care what you did or why you did
it. I love you, I love you, I love you. My spitfire. My wife. I can�t lose
you again,� he insisted as he desperately clung to her.
Aida just held him back, unsure of what to make of
this sudden about face.
�I�m sorry for everything, Aida. I�m sorry about your
parents. I�m sorry I didn�t comfort you how you needed me to. I�m sorry for
forcing your hand against me. I shouldn�t have blamed you. I�m sorry,� he
breathed, placing his aching head on her shoulder as he needed to be close to
her.
"It's...it's alright, Sands -"
�No it�s not. It�s not alright. I blamed you for so
long, Aida. And it wasn�t your fault. It was never your fault. God I�m so
sorry,� he whispered, silent tears beginning to spill down his cheeks and onto
her shirt as he spoke.
"It was
my fault, Sands," Aida tried to insist, but Sands grabbed her shoulders
and shook her angrily.
"Don't say that!" he demanded.
Aida just stared at him, utterly bewildered.
�It was never your fault! You did what you thought
was right, what you needed to do. You stopped me. I should never have forced
you to make such a decision. It�s my fault. I committed the crimes for which I
was convicted, Aida. Don�t forget that. I am not innocent. I never will be. You
didn�t do anything wrong.�
"You took it back the last time you said
that," she whispered, unsure of what she was supposed to say and do.
�I�m sorry, Aida,� he moaned again, pressing even
closer to her. �Please forgive me. I don�t blame you for anything. I swear that
I don�t. I just�I want you back, Aida. I miss you. God I miss you so much. I
can�t do this anymore. I can�t keep coming over here and simply watching you. I
can�t do it. Please forgive me, please.�
"There's not anything for me to forgive you
for," she whispered, wanting to relieve the pain he was in.
�Yes, yes there is. You will blame me if you don�t. I
can�t�I�m still the same. I haven�t changed. I still kill. You�ll still have to
make the same decisions. But please, God please don�t send me back there. I�ll
do anything. Just don�t,� he was near to sobbing now though if he hadn�t been
speaking he wouldn�t have made a sound.
"I won't," she shushed. "I promise. I
won't." There was more that she wanted to say, like how she didn't want to
spend her life on the run again, how she didn't want to uproot their son every
time the authorities got a little too curious, about how he needed to be more
careful, how he needed to stop being what he was...
�You promise?� he asked softly, not daring to hope.
He just turned his eyes towards her and entreated her with his glance.
"I promise." Her fingers stroked his cheek.
�I�ll do anything,� he whispered again, leaning into
her touch. �Don�t want to lose you again.�
"Don't make promises you can't keep," Aida
murmured, not wanting to hear yet again that he'd do "anything" to
keep from loosing her. The past had proven that it those words were empty.
His face fell and he turned away from her. �I should
go. It�s not safe for you anymore,� he murmured, moving a hand to the side of
his head and pulling his fingertips to his face as if expecting to see blood
there. There wasn�t any, but it sure as hell felt like there should be.
"No...don't go. Not
when we've just..."
He would have nodded but he could already tell that
even the slightest movement of his head was going to make him fucking sorry he
had done it. �I don�t think I could stand straight right now anyway,� he
muttered, leaning heavily against the countertop.
"That's alright. Why don't you rest, and I'll go
get Ian?"
�Rest. Right.
I can do that,� he murmured, sinking back down to the floor. �Prolly shouldn�t fall asleep though. Concussion and all
that,� he slurred, his eyes slipping shut as unconsciousness threatened. �Hurry.�
"I will. I'll be right back." But even
though she hurried, he was gone when she got back.
***
Jeffrey�s cold eyes followed Aida and what he assumed
to be her son across the room as he sat where she had fucking left him. His
head felt like it had been clamped in a vise and he was not fucking happy about
that. He didn�t know what she had fucking done but it wasn�t going to happen
again.
Ian broke free of Aida the moment he saw his father. Aida
realized too late that the man on her kitchen floor wasn't Sands. "Ian,
wait!"
Jeffrey snatched Ian up by the back of his shirt and
used the counter to brace himself as he stood, never letting Ian go. �Your name is Ian?� he asked the little boy, one cold
eye on Aida while the rest of his attention was focused on the little boy that
looked so much like Sands�him�that it was fucking uncanny.
Luckily the boy was in overalls, so Jeffrey's insensitive
grasp didn't scare him. In fact, he would have thought he was in for a treat -
his mother sometimes gave him "airplane" rides like this - but some
childish intuition made him realize that his "father" was upset. So
he just nodded in response to the question.
�How old are you, Ian?� Jeffrey asked evenly, mildly
amused that the boy didn�t seem to be afraid of him.
He remained silent, but held up two fingers.
Aida, her heart in her throat, started edging towards
the pair.
�Two years old, huh? I wish
I could have seen my children when they turned two. I wish I could have seen
their first steps; heard their first words. Do you know why I didn�t get to do
that, Ian?� He turned to Aida briefly. �Don�t try anything, mommy. We wouldn�t
want junior here to get hurt.�
Wetting her dry lips, Aida whispered, "Please,
Jeffrey. Don't. He's just a baby. Take it out on me. Not him."
�Just a baby. Right. My children were younger than he is now when you took
me away from them, you selfish bitch,� Jeffrey hissed. �Just because the world
didn�t sit right in your pretty little fucking head you had to ruin life for
all of us.�
"Ian's innocent of that. Please...don't scare
him."
Jeffrey snorted but thrust Ian in her direction after
glancing at his indeed frightened face briefly. �Fine.
Fucking take him,� he said with a scowl. It wasn�t his
kid. What did he care about him anyway?
Aida hugged her son tightly and started backing out
of the kitchen. "Thank you," she breathed, hoping that Jeffrey was
just disgusted enough to leave without doing any further damage.
�Keep your fucking thanks. You owe me so much more
than that,� he hissed, moving to follow her out of the kitchen and out of the
apartment. �If I see you again, I will
kill you. I hope you had a fucking good time with Sands for he won�t be back
here again. I�ve lived without him before and I can do it again.� He turned to leave
without another word, making his way to the door on slightly unstable legs
though he did his best to hide the fact.
Aida ran to lock the door behind him when he left,
slowly sliding down the hard surface until she came to rest on the floor, her
son safely cradled in her arms.
That's when she couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
***
Jeffrey would have paced if he had had the energy,
but as it was he simply sank into the first open chair he found after entering
the house and rubbed his aching head. He might have gotten an aspirin or dozen
as he was to the �please oh god just kill me now� stage of the headache kitty
had given him, but that required more effort than was worth it at the moment.
He vaguely noticed Salida enter the room though he didn�t look up.
"Hey...what's wrong?" She was used now to
finding her husband gone - presumably because of Sands' fidgits
- and his reappearing some time later. But he'd always come back hale and
healthy.
�Kitty clocked me with something,� he muttered
darkly. �That�s where Sands goes. To see her. That
bitch.�
Salida froze, checked over her shoulder to make sure
that the twins were still watching TV in their play room, then strode over to
her husband and tenderly probed at his head.
After a few winces from him, she gave it up and slid
into his lap instead. "Is she dead?"
�No,� he muttered with a scowl at himself, resting
his aching head against her shoulder. �I�ve fucking grown soft, do you realise
that? I was primed and ready to do the deed when little Sands junior showed up.
I couldn�t kill her after that.�
"So...she had a boy."
�Yeah. Looks just like his
father too,� he muttered. �Bet that put a crimp in fucking year.�
Salida snorted, but her hands came up to move softly
through his hair. "Going to try again?"
�I don�t know. I told her I wasn�t going to let Sands
fucking see her again and I don�t plan to. Beyond that I haven�t thought.� His
eyes slipped shut at her touch. It still hurt like a bullet between the eyes
but her hands felt nice.
"What if that's not enough? It certainly doesn't
feel like enough. After all, she's probably gotten used to not having Sands
around. What could she care if he never comes by again?"
�You�re right,� he murmured with a nod before wincing
at the pain the gesture caused him. �She deserves to pay for what she did to
us. She will pay.�
"Good." Salida bent her head forward and
kissed his hairline. "But for now you should rest."
�Rest is good,� he muttered, closing his eyes again
and pulling her against him as he leaned back into the couch.
Salida tensed in anger - not towards Jeffrey but
towards Aida. Hadn't the woman hurt them enough? Why did she have to do this to
Jeffrey? Why couldn't she just die without a fuss?
Jeffrey felt her tense in his arms and opened his
eyes to frown at her. �What? What�s wrong?�
"It's not you," she replied, making an
effort to relax. "I was just wishing that I had Grant here right
now."
�Hmm. I�ll give you her
address if I can come watch,� he murmured with a
mildly sleepy grin.
"That's alright. We'd have to go through the
trouble of finding a babysitter."
�It�d be worth it?�
Salida shook her head. "I've never left our
children with a babysitter. I don't want to start yet."
He sighed but agreed with that logic. �I know. I just
wanted to see you kick a little ass and spill a little blood. Call me
psychotic.�
"Psychotic," she murmured as she kissed him
again, this time on the lips.
He hummed in approval and grinned. �You better
believe it, sugarbutt.�
"I remember the first time you called me
that," she breathed against his lips.
�Oh really? Refresh my
memory, vixen. When was this monumental event?�
"During our first round of
pool."
He grinned in remembrance. �We should do that again
sometime soon, vixen. I have a sudden urge to see you spread eagled naked on
top of a fuzzy green pool table with my cue in your hands,� he drawled.
"Ha-ha. Something tells me you may have to wait
awhile to see that. We don't have our own pool table anymore, for one
thing."
�Sounds like an oversight in need of correction.�
"You go about correcting that then...when you're
not trying to get rid of Grant."
�Sounds like a plan,� he murmured, closing his eyes
again with a slight nod. �She won�t be suffered to live.�
"No," Salida softly agreed, laying her head
on his chest.
�No,� Jeffrey responded, breathing in the scent of
her hair and letting oblivion steal over him.
***
From her bedroom, Aida heard her front door swing
open. Obviously I need more locks,
she thought as she pulled her handgun - loaded this time - from the drawer of
her bedside stand. She didn't really want to hurt her husband, but if Jeffrey
had come to hurt her - or Ian, heaven forbid - she wouldn't hesitate... Much.
�Aida?� Sands called out distantly, unaware of how
much time had passed since he had last seen her. It felt like the very next day
to him, but his head didn�t hurt so it had to have been longer, hadn�t it?
He closed the door behind him�picking it had been
almost stupidly easy�and wandered into the small apartment, calling out her
name as he went.
Aida just waited, in case this was some kind of
trick. At least in her bedroom it was almost completely dark. She'd see him
come into the doorway before he'd see her. Just in case this really was Sands.
�Aida?� he called again, wandering further into the
apartment. This was as far as he had ever gotten before. Her bedroom was
verboten. He had never even seen it before and yet that was the only place left
that she could be. He moved into the darkened room with a frown. Was she not here?
�Aida? Are you here?�
"Who are you?" In the dark, Aida brought
her gun up to bear on the shape in her open doorway.
Sands saw the gun glint in the low light coming
through the window and froze. �Sands. I�m Sands.�
"What was the last thing we were talking about
before you left?"
�You were going to get Ian. I told you to hurry
because I couldn�t stay awake. I guess I was right,� he muttered.
Aida lowered her weapon a bit. "That was a month
ago."
�A month?� The question came
out of him in an incredulous whoosh. �A month.
Godamnit, Jeffrey,� he said wearily.
That kind of anger was hard to feign. Believing for
the time being that this was her husband, Aida set the gun aside and murmured,
"He said that he was never going to let me see you again."
�Bastard,� he murmured, slowly crossing the room to
her. �As if he could manage such a thing forever.�
"He...he threatened Ian."
�He what?! When?�

"I went to get Ian. That was the last thing you remember. When I
came back, Jeffrey had come back too, but Ian didn't know that. He saw his
father...and he ran towards him before I could stop him."
�Is he�is he alright?� Sands asked frantically,
closing the distance between them in anxious haste.
"Yes." Aida reached out to welcome Sands,
allowing herself to be folded into his arms. "Finally
Jeffrey really took a look at him or something. After that he just...he left. But
he said that if he ever saw me again, he'd kill me."
Sands tensed at her words before going very still and
silent. �I won�t let him touch you or Ian. Ever,� he said coldly, his voice
filled with steely resolve.
I know." Aida moved closer to him, just needing
to be reassured.
�I would never let him hurt you or Ian, Aida,� he
whispered, bringing a hand up to press against the back of her head in order to
bring her even closer to him. This felt�good. It felt good to really hold and
reassure her again. He had missed it more than he could say.
"I believe you. So much so that I was afraid
that when Jeffrey didn't come back, that you'd done something...drastic."
�I will if I have to, but it�s not going to come to
that, Aida,� he tried to reassure her.
"It'd better not."
Sands committed himself to
no promises. He simply stroked her hair gently and tried to ignore the fact
that they were both seated in a close embrace atop an empty bed. �Have you seen
him since then? Or Salida?�
"No. But I haven't been taking any chances. I
don't go out after dark, I don't open the door without checking to see who it
is, I make sure I know where Ian is at all times..."
�You need a new lock. If I can get in, so can he.�
"I know. I've even considered moving, but I love
it here."
He nodded. �I understand.� He had never particularly
liked moving despite its necessity. It was why he kept his penthouse in DC even
after all this time. At least�he thought he still kept it. It had been quite
awhile since he had been there, but he had set up the lease to be paid in
perpetuity. �I shouldn�t stay here,� he
sighed, not moving away from her. �As long as I�m here so is he. It�s not
safe.�
"If you go by that reasoning, I'll - we'll -
never see you again."
He didn�t respond. He knew. �After I�ve dealt with
him I�ll come back to you.�
"You may never be able to deal with him the way
you wish to. There'll always be the suspicion that maybe he's just hiding and
marshalling his strength, biding his time."
He nodded. He knew that too. There was one thing he
didn�t know however, and that was what to do next. �I don�t know what to do,
Aida,� he said in a bereft voice. �I can�t let him hurt you but I won�t be able
to hold him back forever. I can�t leave you but I can�t promise your safety. I
don�t know what to do.�
"Just take one day at a time?" she asked
softly, looking up at him. Her face was nothing but shadow, but he knew it well
enough that he could imagine the look she had on her face.
He sighed in weary resignation, moving hesitant
fingertips to brush along the darkened planes of her face. �One day at a time,�
he agreed softly.
"Thank you," she murmured, leaning slightly
into his caress.
�Why are you thanking me?� He didn�t move his hand
away.
"I wasn't sure if you'd agree to...to not stay
away or not."
�Where else would I go, Aida? Where else would I
possibly rather be than right here?�
"I didn't know if that would matter or
not."
�Why did you think it wouldn�t matter?� he asked
softly, his fingertips still dancing over her skin.
"I thought..." His touch distracted her. "I
thought that it'd be enough that Jeffrey had threatened us. I didn't think
you'd choose me over going after him."
�Oh,� he said softly, his brow furrowing in thought.
In truth he hadn�t fully chosen her over killing Jeffrey yet. He wanted both.
And he would get both.
"I was just remembering Sheldon and
umm...Quentin. You went after them right away."
He nodded. He had. And what�s more, he had paid the
consequences. Or she had. �It�s not going to be easy even if I do wait so what
does it matter if I do?� It sounded like reasonable enough logic.
"I don't want you to anything, Sands." Pulling
herself up slightly, as if that would make him listen to her better, she
continued. "Maybe if enough time passes and he realizes that I don't do
anything, I don't try to convince you to ditch his family, I don't try to turn
you in, etc.... Maybe he'll...just let me be."
�Do you really believe that?�
"I'd like to."
�What about Salida?� he asked after a moment�s
contemplation. �She�s as likely to come after you as Jeffrey is.�
"I don't think she'd come without Jeffrey."
�Why?�
"Call it woman's intuition."
He snorted at the mere thought of that and shook his
head. �And you would trust your safety to that? You would trust Ian�s safety to that?�
"Yes...I trust it. And I trust you." Before
he could argue and before she could lose her nerve, Aida leaned forward and captured
his lips with her own.
Sands did what any man would have done in a similar
situation: he kissed her back. The enforced time he had spent away from her did
nothing to quell the flames of desire and longing he felt within him regarding
her. His body remembered hers as if they had lain as husband and wife mere
hours ago rather than years.
When Aida finally pulled away, she asked softly,
"Are you going to be leaving anytime soon?"
�What do you mean?�
"Tonight. Are you
planning on making a quick exit tonight?"
�I don�t know. I hadn�t thought about it. I just came
over here when I got the chance. I practically bolted. I didn�t think beyond
just getting here.�
"Oh." She loosened her grip on him a
little. "Are you tired?"
He shook his head. Actually he was, but he didn�t
want to admit as much because he didn�t want her to leave him alone just
because she thought he was tired.
"Oh...okay. What would you like to do then?
Talk? Or are you hungry?" Suddenly nervous, Aida found herself climbing
out of bed. "I'll make you something. What would you like -"
�Come back,� he directed. His voice was soft but
forceful, cutting through what might have become nervous rambling if he had let
her go on. �I would like you to come back to me, Aida. I�m not going to bite
unless you want me to.�
"I don't know what you mean," she murmured
as she climbed back onto the bed. "About coming back to you, that
is."
�You were leaving me as I sat here watching. One
minute you were kissing me and the next you were practically running away from
me as if I suddenly sprouted horns from my temples.�
"No, that's not it. I didn't think that. I
just..." She trailed off then rushed to say, "If we do this -"
He cut her off abruptly with a bitter laugh. �Forget
it. I was right the first time. I should just leave.� He had worried that she
might not be interested in him anymore after such a long time spent apart, and
it looked as if he wasn�t just being paranoid this time. He vaguely wondered if
she had taken any other lovers in that time. He decided he was better off not
asking.
"No, no don't go. I was just going to say that
if we do this, that...that...there's no going back from it. That we'll be
cementing our truce, that I can expect you to be my husband again, that we'll
have to put an effort into not fighting..."
�Oh�� That wasn�t what he had expected her to say at
all and he found he didn�t know how to react to that.
"I didn't know if that was what you wanted or
not."
He sighed. �I don�t want to fight anymore, Aida. I
miss you. I�m tired of all of this. So very tired��
"Making love won't solve all our troubles. It
might get rid of some of the awkwardness, but it won't solve everything. We're
still going to have to work some things through."
He just nodded. He knew that. He might have liked to
try and fool himself otherwise, but he did understand that anything that
happened between them now would hardly solve everything as he might have hoped.
Aida nodded back. "Alright then..."
�Kiss me, Aida. Please,� he said after the awkward
silence became too much to bear. He might have made the first move, but he
wanted her to initiate contact; wanted to see how serious she was about all of
this. He was also more than a little nervous that the instant their lips met he
would wake to find it had all been a dream or fantasy but he tried not to think
about that too much.
"Okay..." Moving in fits and starts,
suddenly beyond nervous, unsure of how he'd respond to her, if he really wanted
her or just a warm body, Aida brought her lips to his and kissed him softly. If
he wanted to back out, she left him that option. If he wanted more, that could
be arranged as well.
�Aida,� he whispered once she had pulled away. �Is
this�is this what you want?� His hands cupped her face
and he looked at her peaked eyebrows, worried at what her answer would be. �I�I
want this. I want you. But if you don�t, if you�d rather��
"I want you to want me. Me," she replied. "I want to be sure that I'm really the
person you want."
He picked up on the seriousness of her question so he
did her the favour of examining his motives closely. Yes, he was practically
crying out for the comfort of someone, anyone,
she wasn�t just some nameless woman he could have brought to his bed to fulfill
his needs. This was Aida, his wife. He wanted her. He wanted his wife back. He wanted to hear her sighs and
laughs, her moans and tears. �I want you,
Aida. My beautiful spitfire. I want you to be mine again,� he whispered.
"That's what I want too." She smiled as she
relaxed. "I want to be yours. I want you to be mine."
�I�ve always been yours,� he murmured with a small
smile that held a hint of sadness. �Always.�
That wasn't necessarily true: sometimes he belonged
more to his demons than he did to her. But it wasn't something she was going to
argue about at the moment either.
His hands moved from their places at her cheeks over
her curly hair, closing his eyes at the sensation of her hair entwined in his
fingers. He wouldn�t ask for permission to touch her; he had to touch her or he
felt as if he would crack under the strain of it all. His forehead met hers and
he had a near overwhelming urge to press every bit of bare skin against her
that he could; needing to feel her body against his.
"It's a perm," Aida murmured into Sands'
neck as she adjusted her body against his. "I wanted my curls back."
�They suit you. They always have,� he murmured,
kissing her forehead briefly before nuzzling her curls with a sigh. His hands
had moved to her shoulders and down to her waist, pulling her close even as he
hated the clothes that separated them.
"Sands? I umm...I love
you."
�Even now? You still love
me?�
"Yes."
He opened his mouth to say that he loved her too, but
the words wouldn�t come. He kissed her instead, hoping she wouldn�t press the
issue. He had loved her once; she had been the only woman he had ever loved,
and he would love her again. He had to.
Aida accepted his kiss, trying not to mind that he
hadn't said that he loved her as well. After what she'd done to him, she was
lucky just to be alive and here with him. Besides, he'd never been all that
sure about love. Her betrayal wouldn't have helped that at all. Maybe she'd
killed his ability to love. Maybe if given time, she could bring it back.
Sands slowly deepened the kiss as much as she�d let
him, his hands beginning to roam a little without thought as lazy passion began
to rekindle within the pit of his belly.
Aida shivered in pleasure as his hands wandered down
her back. It felt as if his fingers were taking the time to explore every bone,
every muscle, nearly every inch of skin� It was relaxing, and soothing, and
arousing all at once, and she could do nothing more than melt into him.
Sands� hands continued to move without his permission
as he put his full attention into the kiss. He had missed her terribly and this
was the only way he knew of making things right again. He had been relieved
when she hadn�t questioned the fact that he hadn�t returned her proclamation of
love and sought to show that he did indeed still care for her even if he
couldn�t love her anymore.
Down...down...over her hips his hands traveled, and
under her nightshirt, pulling it up as he sought skin and not fabric. Aida felt
her breath catch and her heart begin to speed up as the faint calluses on his
hands gently rasped against the soft skin of her back.
�You�re beautiful,� he whispered, finally pulling
away from the kiss to gulp for air. �Beautiful.� He drank in the sight of her
as his nimble hands set out to explore the map of her skin; moving over places
remembered and stopping to explore the areas he didn�t. It was as if he were
seeing her for the first time and yet he knew just where to touch her as only
an attentive lover could. He breathed in the scent of her hair as his fingers
followed the curve of her spine, his thumbs moving forward to caress her sides.
"No one..." she whispered brokenly as she
arched into his touch. �There hasn't been anyone but you."
He looked at her and gauged the seriousness of what
she was saying for a long moment before kissing her passionately. She had been true, he could see it in her eyes. She had betrayed him�that
wouldn�t be forgotten so easily�but she hadn�t left him. It was a twisted sort
of logic, but he took comfort in it nonetheless. �Touch me please, Aida. Touch
me as I touch you,� he whispered, his hands moving forward to touch her
stomach. It was flat again as it had been when they had first met. He briefly
mourned the fact that he�d never gotten to see her heavy with his child. She
would have been a radiant goddess for she could be nothing else.
"Sands..." Suddenly Aida was pushing away.
"I'm not on the pill anymore. I stopped."
�But�� he frowned, confused at her earlier advances
if she was going to just stop. �You would get pregnant again?�
"Possibly. Unless you...?"
He held silent for a long while. �I have little to
offer a child.� He included Ian in his reckoning.
"You have everything
to offer a child. But that's not what I meant. I was trying to ask whether you
had a condom or not. Not that I think you would."
�Oh.� He might have blushed had he been a much
different man. �No. I don�t have one.� Truthfully, he never carried any. When
he had been younger he had simply killed the women he had had sex with. He
might have had a dozen children by now otherwise.
"So..."
�So,� he echoed. �It would seem we�re at an impasse.
Would you be upset with me if I said I didn�t care?� He could have gone to a
drug store and bought a million condoms but he didn�t want to leave her side.
Not now. Not when he didn�t know if and when he could come back.
"If I thought you meant it. But I don't. I still
know you, Sands. You don't want to take risks where possible children of yours
are concerned.�
He sighed and shook his head. She was right. �I don�t
want to go. This�this is the closest I�ve been to you in years and I�m afraid
that if I leave now it will all fall away.�
"Then let's just...let's just hold each
other."
He smiled and nodded, but it was a bittersweet smile.
He wouldn�t refuse this however. If this was what he was offered, then this was
what he would take. This was already so much more than he�d had in a very long
time. He lay back on the bed and pulled her close to him so that her head was
on his shoulder. He kept his silence as he held her, his eyes shut as he lost himself
in memories of times of happiness from before�before everything had changed.
"I would dream about this, you know." Aida's
voice was a soft murmur as if she couldn't help but fall asleep now that she
was lying down again. "I'd wake up clutching a pillow to my chest,
wondering where you were."
He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling at
her words. �You knew where I was,� he whispered before he could stop himself.
He closed his eyes with a wince, not intending to bring up such things now. �Forget
it.�
"No. I deserved that." Aida didn't move
away but she wasn't holding him as tightly as she had been either.
�I�m sorry. I shouldn�t have said anything,� he
murmured, noticing the change in her actions.
"No." Aida pushed herself up to look into
his face. "Don't. I was the one who shouldn't have said anything."
He just nodded in acceptance. He couldn�t offer her
forgiveness nor tell her that it hadn�t been her fault, because it would have
been a lie. He did blame her. While he understood, as a concept, why she had
done the things she had done, he still felt the cold steel of the blade she had
all but left between his ribs. It was a pity she hadn�t driven it a little
deeper.
"No, don't do that. Don't pull away from
me," Aida begged as she interpreted the look on her husband's face.
"Please. I'm sorry."
�I want to believe you but it�s hard. I want
everything to go back to the way it was before but that�s impossible. I�m lost,
Aida. I feel as if I don�t know who I am anymore or where I belong. Everything
has changed and yet I remain the same. The world has passed me by.� And it�s all your
fault, you miserable bitch.
Aida just hung her head in defeat and lay back down
at his side, not knowing what to say or do to make things better between them.
�I�m sorry. I shouldn�t complain to you. You�ve had
your own troubles I�m sure,� he murmured with a forced smile. He thought he
should go, but he still didn�t want to. He was holding onto her as if letting
her go would mean losing himself even further.
"Nothing...nothing too
difficult. After all, I had a safety net if things ever got too desperate.
You didn't."
�What was your safety net?� he wasn�t yet ready to
talk about his time in prison with her yet. Perhaps he never would be.
"Your money," she replied softly, unsure of
how he'd respond to the answer. "I knew that Ian would be provided for no
matter what."
�Oh. Of course,� he said bitterly. How could he have
possibly forgotten that? She and Salida and their children were the inheritors
of his fortune. �You�re right, of course. I didn�t have that safety net. Not
that money would have been much use to me in prison. Despite what you might
have read or seen on television or in movies, prison guards are notoriously
hard to bribe. Believe me, I tried.�
"I'm sorry. I'm just making things worse,"
she whispered into his chest. "I know you didn't come here to fight. I'm
sorry I started one."
�I came here to find you. I came here to regain what
I had lost. Maybe that�s not possible, but I had to try,� he whispered to the
ceiling.
"You don't know that it isn't possible. It's
going to take a long time for you to recover. And I don't think you'll truly be
able to decide what you want between us until you have."
That wasn�t what he wanted to hear, but he couldn�t
deny the truth of it. He couldn�t ever love her again while he still blamed and
distrusted her. He had the knowledge of this simple fact but not the
acceptance. She had betrayed him. She had eagerly thrown him to the wolves. She
had sent him to an almost certain death. While she said she regretted it�and he
did believe her for he could see that she wasn�t lying about that�that didn�t
change the fact that she had done it. Something terrible had happened to her,
it was true, but would it always be her first reaction to turn on him when
things got hard? Would she betray him again? He didn�t know and the not knowing
was driving him mad.
When he didn't answer, she didn't bother to say
anything else. Instead, she pulled her blankets more snuggly around them and
tried to go to sleep.
Sands let her while not giving into sleep himself.
Sleep brought nightmares and possible danger for her and Ian. If he could
manage it, he�d never sleep again.
***
When Aida was nowhere to be found the next morning,
Ian trotted into her room. He was instantly delighted to see his mommy and
daddy together, and this time no one was awake to warn him to be quiet. So with
a bit of effort, he pulled himself up onto Aida's low bed and tucked himself
into Sands' free side, sucking one thumb and waiting for someone to take notice
of him.
Sands started awake at the feeling of small fingers
curled against his side and looked around, trying to figure out where he was
and what had awoken him. He quickly remembered that he was in Aida�s bedroom.
He couldn�t remember falling asleep but that was the only explanation
considering Aida herself was asleep at his side while his son was curled up
between them. �Good morning,� he whispered to Ian, watching the boy suck his
thumb. He had a dim memory of never being allowed to suck his thumb for fear it
would ruin his teeth but he pushed it aside.
Ignoring the morning greeting, Ian reached up,
fascinated as always by Sands' hair and its likeness to his own.
Sands inclined his head to allow his son to explore.
�It�s the same,� he whispered. �It�s just like yours. That�s because you�re my
son.�
Ian glanced over at his sleeping mother, then nodded at Sands.
�You look like your mother as well. You�re her son
too. You�re ours.� His hand moved to stroke Ian�s dark hair, so like his own. �Our son.�
Ian took Sands' hand in his small one - more because
Sands cooperated than by any effort on his part - and examined it front and
back, tracing the tattoos there curiously.
�I have a lot more. Would you like to see? Perhaps
one day I�ll get one just for you,� he said softly, remarking on Ian�s
curiosity about the tattoos.
"I get one?"
�Well you can�t have one yourself yet, but I can get
one for you if you like.�
"Tomorrow?"
�We�ll see.�
"Can I show it to Mommy?"
�When you�re older you can get one. Until then you
can look at mine,� he hastened to point out, not wanting his son to be upset
when he couldn�t get a tattoo tomorrow like he seemed to want.
"But I want one."
�I know you do, but you�re too small yet. It wouldn�t
fit.�
Ian frowned as he looked at the small tattoos on
Sands' finger.
�I tell you what. We�ll go to the store and find you
some tattoos and you can cover yourself with them if you want. Does that sound
good? And these tattoos are the kind that come off if
you don�t like them. Mine don�t come off.� He wished some of them did.
"Okay." Satisfied, Ian snuggled into Sands
more comfortably then said, "I'm hungry."
�What do you want for breakfast?�
"Cookies."
�Well if that�s what you really want you can have one
after you�ve had cereal or pancakes or whatever it is you normally have for
breakfast. Come on. We�ll go find something together. Let your mother sleep.�
Ian nodded. "Miss Anne says Mommy works too
much."
�Miss Anne is a smart lady,� Sands murmured as he
grunted under Ian�s weight as his young son latched his arms around his neck
and held on to be carried. �I�m sorry I haven�t been to see you lately. I would
have come sooner if I could have. Do you understand?� Sands asked as he walked
towards the kitchen with his son in his arms.
"Mommy said you were working."
Sands nodded. In a way that was true. It wasn�t quite
a lie so he let it be. �Ok, down you go,� Sands said as he lowered Ian into one
of the chairs gathered around the table. �Do you want cereal?�
Ian sighed when he realized no cookies were
immediately going to appear, but he nodded without making a big deal of it.
�You can have cookies later,� Sands murmured absently
upon hearing Ian�s sigh. �They�re not going anywhere.� He set a bowl down in
front of Ian and filled it with the cereal the young boy had indicated before
dousing it with milk and handing Ian a spoon. He didn�t get any for himself
because he honestly didn�t feel like having any breakfast.
Taking the handle of the spoon in his little fist,
Ian started in on his breakfast, glancing at Sands from time to time as if to
assure himself that his father was still there.
�I�m not going anywhere,� Sands murmured, propping
his head up on an elbow and regarding his son�s occasional glances. �If you�re
worried I�m going to leave, you don�t have to be. I�m not going anywhere for
awhile.�
"Until you have to go back to
work?"
Sands pursed his lips, trying to decide whether or
not he should tell Ian the truth. After a moment, he decided it was probably
easier this way. �Yes, until I have to go back to work.�
"To keep Mommy and me
safe."
�What do you mean? What did your mother tell you?�
Sands asked with a curious frown.
"She said you keep us safe from bad men."
He sighed, supposing that in a way Aida had been
telling him the truth. �Your mother was right. When I leave you it�s to keep
you safe. I wouldn�t leave if I didn�t have to. Do you understand?�
Ian nodded. "When will the bad men stop looking
for us?"
�I don�t know, Ian,� he said softly.
Ian looked around, checking to make sure they were
still alone, then whispered, "I wish Mommy hadn't
made the bad men mad."
�What? Why do you say that? Do you blame your mother
for me having to leave you?� Sands asked with a worried frown. It was one thing
for him to be upset with Aida for what she had done, but he had never, never wanted Ian to feel the same way.
"If she hadn't, then you could stay with
us."
�I don�t want to hear that from you ever again, do you hear me? Don�t blame
your mother for what happened. It�s not her fault. She would never try to keep
us apart.� The words sounded good and right but he wasn�t entirely sure whether
or not he believed them himself.
"But it is," the boy muttered mutinously.
�Look at me, Ian. Has your mother tried to keep us
apart now? Has she told you that you couldn�t see me?�
Ian didn't
look up from his cereal bowl but he did shake his head.
�Look at me,� Sands insisted again, a hint of steel
creeping into his voice before he could stop it.
This time the boy did look up although he didn't look
too happy about it.
Dark eyes met and Sands� jaw set in a hard line. �The
man that your mother made so mad is�well he�s like a friend. It�s my fault that
he�s mad at her, not hers. Do you understand?� When Ian answered with silence,
Sands sighed. �It�s my fault that the man is mad at her. Not your mother�s.�
While not entirely true, it was at its core entirely accurate. Jeffrey wasn�t
real. Jeffrey wasn�t a separate entity. He didn�t have any emotion or thought
that Sands himself didn�t have. They were the same no
matter their outward differences. Jeffrey�s sins were his. They always had
been.
"Then why did Mommy say it was her fault?"
�Because she doesn�t want to blame
me. She doesn�t want you to blame me,� Sands answered softly. �But it�s
true. It�s all my fault. It was never hers.�
Ian looked at him, his distrust plain on his face.
After all, he was still getting to know his father, and his mother never lied. Right?
"Mommy lied?"
�No, she didn�t lie. She told you the truth, but she
was wrong. She thinks that it�s her fault, but it isn�t. She was telling you
the truth when she said it was her fault because she believes that it is her
fault. But it�s not. It�s my fault. Not hers. Understand?�
Ian nodded, although he wasn't sure he believed all
this. Since he'd realized that other children had fathers and he didn't, he'd
longed for one. But now that he did, he wasn't sure who to believe anymore. In
his young mind, his mother could never be wrong. But why would either of his
parents lie? He didn't understand.
The relief Sands had felt at Ian�s nod vanished at
the confusion he saw in his dark eyes afterwards. He didn�t know how to explain
it any better than he had, but he had to try. �My leaving was not your mother�s
fault. Do you believe me?�
"Can I have a cookie yet?"
Sands nodded, shelving the discussion with a bit of
regained relief. He slowly rose from his seat at the table and walked over to
where he had seen Aida hide the cookies and quickly located the biggest and
best chocolate chip cookie in the jar. He offered it to Ian wordlessly.
"Thank you." The cookie promptly went into
the leftover milk as Ian forgot about the serious subjects they'd been
discussing and focused on the serious business of eating a cookie.
***
Getting Ian to take a nap had been a tiresome affair
in and of itself. Sands had spent a good potion of the afternoon entertaining
and in turn being entertained by his young son while Aida slept on peacefully.
Ian must have been right about how she had been working too hard for she slept
as if she hadn�t slept in years. He had gone in to check on her numerous times
over the hours, shushing Ian quiet as the boy wanted to wake his mother to show
him whatever project he had been working on. The boy was a whirlwind of energy
but fortunately he finally seemed to have worn himself out and was in need of a
nap. Sands wasted no time in ensuring this despite Ian�s weak protests that he
wasn�t tired. It was only after a promise that he�d still be around when Ian
awoke and that they�d go shopping for some tattoos later that Ian finally
relented and fell asleep.
Ian taken care of, Sands went in to check on his wife
once more, determined to have a good long talk with her when she awoke. She had
been sleeping the blissful sleep of the ignorant and foolish for a good many
hours now and as each moment passed Sands became more and more upset with her.
What if Jeffrey had woken up instead of him? Where would she be then? How could
she have allowed him to stay? Of course, he berated his own intelligence for
allowing himself the luxury of thinking that he wouldn�t fall asleep last
night, but that was beside the point.
�Ah, sleeping beauty finally decides to grace us with
her presence, I see,� Sands muttered as he looked over and saw Aida�s brown
eyes blinking at him.
Aida was confused by the amount of daylight coming in
her windows. True, today was her day off, but that didn't mean she could lie
around all day.
"Sands?" She rubbed at her eyes. "What time is
it?"
�Almost four. You�ve been
asleep all day,� Sands murmured.
"What!" Aida would have thrown herself out
of bed if Sands hadn't blocked her way. "What are you doing? I can�t just
sleep all day! I have chores to do! Clothes to wash, a checkbook to balance, lines to look over, a child to take care
of..."
�You were tired. You slept,� Sands said evenly. �Ian
is fine. Fortunately it�s only been me all day.� He let the full meaning of
that hang in the air.
"You!? You still aren't
sure if you can feed him prepared foods without poisoning him!" Aida
attempted once again to get out of bed and was once again blocked. "What
are you doing, Sands?"
�I�m waiting for the realisation that it could have
been Jeffrey who woke up instead of me to get through your pretty little head,�
he hissed. �You should never have let me stay last night.�
Her eyes narrowed. "If you want to accuse me of
something, don't. You're just as responsible as I am for last night. In fact,
if you wanted to keep Ian doubly safe, you'd never come by again!"
He went very still, his face hardened in a cold mask
of indifference though just the fact that it was up belied his true emotions to
her. �Perhaps I should. That�s what you would want, isn�t it? The bad men would
never be able to hurt you or your son ever again. You wouldn�t ever have to
face another crisis of conscience again. I wouldn�t want to tempt you twice.
There�s no telling what you�d do to me a second time.�
"What are you talking about now?" she
challenged, crossing her arms childishly. "I've been in a constant 'crisis
of conscience' for the past two years."
�I�m talking about me, Aida. You wouldn�t have to be
with me knowing that I won�t ever change, know that when I go out at night
there�s a very good chance that someone in my path will wind up dead. I�m a
killer, Aida. I know no other life but that. Without me, you could forget.
You�d be safe.� We�d both be safe.
"I might be safe," she muttered - much in
the same tone her son had earlier - "but I wouldn't forget."
�You would forget,� he insisted again. �Time would
dull the edges of my existence in your mind until I was nothing more than an
abstraction; a morality tale to tell to your son when you fear he�s becoming
too like his father.�
"When? When I'm eighty?"
He shook his head. �We haven�t even been married that long, Aida.�
"And the duration of a marriage effects memorability how?"
�We�ve been apart longer than we�ve been together.
Surely that has had some effect�� Sands didn�t sound as confident about his
whole line of reasoning as he had a moment ago.
"Has it effected your memory any?"
A flash of relieved moments of pain and happiness in
turn while he languished in that cold white cell passed before his eyes. He
remembered every gesture, every look, every word she had ever spoken to him as
if it had all taken place a moment ago. He shook his head.
"So why do you think it'd effect mine?"
He simply shook his head again, not deigning to
answer otherwise.
"You're damn right," Aida muttered as she
tried to get out of bed again. She still wasn't successful. "Sands...."
�Just stay. Rest.� Don�t ignore me by burying yourself in the
meaningless trivialities of domestic life.
"I can't. I have to work tomorrow. I have work to do today."
�Fine,� Sands said after a long moment. Arguing with
her was pointless. She�d point out the irrationality of his every word. It
didn�t matter. It was better this way; safer. �I�ll just leave then. Do what
you must.�
"Leave? Why?"
�Did you expect for me to sit around and watch you
clean?� he asked with a curious tilt of his head. �I�m pushing my luck anyway.
Jeffrey will come back sooner or later and you don�t want me here when that
happens. Trust me.�
"Fine. Do whatever you
want. You usually do anyway."
�Since when did it matter about what I want? If I did
everything I wanted we wouldn�t be in this position.�
"What position would we be in then?"
He kept his head tilted and regarded her in silence
before speaking in a calm and casual voice. �We�d be tearing each other�s clothes
off in a manner so primal and desperate that when we looked back upon it we
wouldn�t believe that we weren�t sharing a dream. We would be in each other�s
arms, our naked bodies pressed together as one; loving each other as we once
had.�
Aida swallowed hard and her face flushed, but she
managed to keep her voice steady as she said, "Except we still have no
means of birth control. Too bad." And strangely
enough, she meant it.
�Au contraire,� Sands answered her blithely. �Ian and
I went out to lunch to bypass my fear of poisoning him with food prepared by
me. Fortunately he can�t read yet or he might have read the box and asked me
what it was that I was buying.�
"You...?" Aida was embarrassed to hear her
voice jump an octave.
He pulled a rather innocuous looking wrapped object
out a pocket and tossed it to her. �Can�t say I�ve ever used one before on
anything but a banana in sex ed but that doesn�t mean
I don�t know how they work.�
She stared at the small package for a long time
before looking back up at him, wondering if this was for real or if it was just
a show of bravado.
�Now we�re both out of excuses,� he said softly,
letting her see both his desire for her and his fear that she would reject him.
"Ian..."
�Is sound asleep in his room.
Anything else?�
"How long has he been asleep?"
�About ten minutes. Probably less.
I came in here right after I knew he was really asleep.�
"The issues still won't go away, Sands. Well,
one will...but the rest will still be there. This isn't a quick fix."
�I know that,� he said solemnly. He wasn�t fool
enough to believe that sex was the panacea for all their combined woes. Trust
wouldn�t be regained from the act but maybe, just maybe, the foundations would
be laid. He didn�t know, but fuck it, he wanted to find out.
"Al-alright."
�Alright?�
Aida nodded.
�Then kiss me please, Aida,� he said softly. �Or�I�ll
kiss you.� He moved in slowly to capture her lips against his; the kiss almost
hesitant and shy.
She was almost surprised by his restraint. After his
little chronicle of how things would happen between them, she'd expected to
practically be attacked. This...this was sweet.
After everything was said and done he just couldn�t
bring himself to swoop in and take her like some kind of monster. He did still
care for her on some level, and anything else than this wouldn�t have felt
right. The fact that she was practically trembling with nervousness and fear
also worked to calm his actions. He kept his kisses gentle and slow through
force of will, allowing the passion between them to build without force.
His gentleness helped her relax. And as she did, she
could feel the sweetness of the kisses turn into warm, lazy heat.
Sands smiled a bit at her reaction, letting her calm
infuse him. He kept kissing her softly, his hands moving to soothe the tension
out of her even further. He didn�t want her to be afraid of him. He was
determined to go through with this; determined to take what he needed from her,
but that didn�t mean that he had nothing to offer her in return.
Shyly, Aida slowly raised her arms to drape them over
Sands' shoulders. She didn't use her hold to pull him closer or to titillate,
only to establish some contact on her terms. To participate instead of receive.
�Tell me what you want, Aida,� Sands whispered
between kisses. It would have been easier to simply take what he wanted than to
care about her, which is why he asked.
"I don't know. It's been so long."
He nodded solemnly. She was right. �Do you like when
I kiss you?� He demonstrated with a long languid kiss full of lazy passion and
desire.
"Yes." Her voice was smoky, relaxed, filled
with promise.
�Do you like it when I touch you?� the question was a
bit more hesitant, but actions followed none the less as he skimmed gentle
finger down her shoulders and across the pajama-clad mounds of her breasts. He
made no move to undress her, but he longed to feel her bare skin against his.
She shivered; his light touch brought goosebumps to her skin. But it also left heat in its wake,
trails of flame that caused a small moan to escape when his hands left her
body.
�You want me to touch you,� he announced softly, his
fingers moving to unbutton her shirt. �You want me to run my fingers over your
full breasts, thumbing your nipples and causing you to moan.� He kept his voice
soft yet full of seduction. He spread open her shirt
and couldn�t help but be aroused in the way she quivered beneath him. �Do you
want me to kiss you here?� he asked, looking down at where his hands moved
across her skin.
"Not..." she swallowed hard. "Not yet."
He nodded and before she could go on to explain her hesitation, his hands still moving over her
chest, tracing fire in the paths of his fingertips.
"Sands..." It was simply too much, being
bare like this before him while he touched her at his leisure. It sparked too
many sensations, tripped too many defenses. So Aida acted on impulse to hide
herself from his sight; she jerked on his arm, causing him to fall onto the
bed. To fall onto her.
He froze at the sudden sensation of their bodies
pressed together so intimately and yet not nearly close
enough. This was what he wanted, this was what he needed, and yet he couldn�t
bring himself to move further. �Please don�t ask me to stop,� he whispered
sadly, guessing at her reasons for pulling at his arm.
"I'm not. I won't." Her arms wrapped
tightly around him as if to add substance to her denials. "I don't want
you to go."
�Do you want this? Honestly?� he asked softly.
"Yes?" Aida winced and tightened her arms
around him before he could take her tone to heart. "Yes. I do. It's
just...awkward."
He frowned but gave her an aborted nod. He didn�t
want it to be awkward but he almost understood. It was awkward for him as well
but he simply pushed through that feeling upon deciding that his longing for
her outranked it. �You take charge then. Do what you want. Go slow, it�s
alright. I don�t want it to be awkward.� This wasn�t quite what he wanted, but
it seemed like the best solution.
"I don't
want to take charge. It's just that your eyes..." One of her hands drifted
down so she could brush her fingertips against his temple. "They see everything."
�I don�t understand,� he said with a confused frown.
"I don't know if it's your intelligence, or your
alertness, or what, but when you look at me - sometimes - I feel like you can
see into my mind and soul. It's an uncomfortable feeling."
She felt uncomfortable when he looked at her? �Have
you always felt this way?�
"No. But every now and then you'll catch
me. And it's like you've got your highbeams on. I feel like you can see right through
me."
�I don�t�I don�t know what to do,� he said softly,
sounding a little lost for words. He hadn�t been doing anything to her. He had
just been looking at her. How could he stop something he wasn�t even aware of?
"You don't have to do anything. It's my fault
really, because of everything that's between us. Before, I just thought that
all you'd see was how much I love you. Now..."
�Now you�re worried that when I look at you all I see
is your betrayal,� he answered.
She nodded slowly, her eyes not quite meeting his.
�That�s not all I see Aida.� He wanted to put a
finger to her chin to move her gaze to his, but he didn�t move. �If it was then
I wouldn�t be here.� And neither would
you.
"It's enough to make me ashamed though."
�I�m not trying to shame you, Aida.� I�m trying to love you.
"I'm adept enough at shaming myself that you
don't have to."
Sands sighed. This was solving nothing. They were as
close to each other as they�d been in years and yet he still felt the distance
between them stretching wide. Why did she have to talk? Why couldn�t she have
just left things be until later? Just a few moments of peace; that�s all he
wanted. But no. She held him in his arms and talked
about things he did not want to talk about; brought up actions he didn�t want
to ponder. And yet he couldn�t bring himself to tell her to let him up. He
couldn�t let the dream drift back into the waking nightmare so soon. He simply
closed his eyes and remained silent, allowing her to talk as much as she deemed
necessary without protest.
Aida noticed how he withdrew from her. Not
physically, but deep inside. Where she couldn't go after him.
"The timing...it still isn't right for us, is
it?"
He opened his eyes to look at her, probably staring
through her soul as she had claimed. �I guess not,� he murmured after a long
moment. It wasn�t what he had wanted to say, but it was truth.
"What is it? Is it just that since we've had the
real thing, real love, that we can't settle for
this?"
That sounded as good an explanation as any, but he
answered her question. �We�ve too much between us now. It�s not pure. Too much
thought and consideration in the way.�
Aida nodded. "Not today then. But we're not
giving up completely...are we?"
�I don�t want to.� It wasn�t quite a full answer, but
it was what he had to give.
"Me neither." She closed her eyes. "I
want things to be right between us again."
He did to but there was a voice, a niggling voice of
doubt in the back of his head that said that would never be possible. He was
glad her eyes were closes for she certainly would have seen this doubt upon his
face.
"Will you stay for dinner?"
�If I can. I don�t�I don�t
know when he�ll come back.�
"Oh." Aida shrugged. "Do what you must.
But you'll always be welcome here."
He nodded and attempted to move away from her slowly,
but her hands didn�t move from around him. He glanced at her, wondering what
possible reason she could have had for wanting him to stay.
"I'm sorry."
�Why? What for?�
"For everything. For this."
He shook his head. �Forget it. It doesn�t matter
now.�
"If you say so..." It mattered to her. She
didn't completely believe that it didn't matter to him.
It did matter to him, but not enough to make him want
to talk about it now. He was resigned to his silence and the present. He didn�t
want to dwell on the past any longer than was necessary. If he did that he
would blame her for everything again and all the apologies in the world
wouldn�t make a bit of difference.
Aida realized she was still holding him back. Reluctantly,
she loosened her arms and pulled the bedcovers around her as he just as
reluctantly moved away from her.
Sands drew himself up and
away from her, standing at the side of the bed as he attempted to straighten
his clothes into some semblance of order again. He kept his silence for
honestly he didn�t know what else to do. Awkwardness had descended upon the
room like a heavy cloud, and he hated it.
"Thank you for letting me sleep," she
murmured when the silence became too much. "I know that Ian enjoyed having
you to himself."
�Uh, I forgot about something. Don�t be alarmed when
he tells you that he wants to show off his new tattoos. He saw some of mine and
wanted one, so we went out to get some. They�re not the permanent kind though,
so don�t worry.� That was better. It didn�t dispel the cloud, but at least he
was talking to her again.
Aida made a sort of "well, yeah," gesture
with her head as she climbed off the bed - trailing a sheet behind her - and
made for her bathroom.
Sands took a seat on the bed in her absence, rubbing
at the bridge of his nose in a weary gesture. He hadn�t wanted things to end up
like this, he truly hadn�t. While he was a pessimist in the best of times, that
didn�t mean he outwardly tried to affect this view upon others; he didn�t try
and cause the worse to happen, he really didn�t.
Bypassing a shower, Aida pulled on something
comfortable and not too dirty from her clothes hamper, brushed her teeth, and
reappeared. "What else did he talk you into doing?"
�He had his desert before he had lunch,� he murmured
with a shrug. �Beyond that, we didn�t get into too much trouble.�
"Did he ask to play war? That's his favorite
game at the moment. Never mind that one hand can go on for an hour or
more."
He paused in answer to her question, remembering a
game of war that they had played together, and an onyx pendant he had bought
her. He hadn�t seen her wear it in a long time� �We played a few hands. I tried
to teach him another game, but I don�t think he was interested.�
"That's your son. He settles on one thing he
likes and won't budge for ages."
A ghost of a smile alighted upon his face. �There�s
nothing wrong with that. The boy knows what he wants.�
"And is persistent in getting
it."
�So I�ve noticed,� Sands said wryly. �Already good at
manipulation,� he murmured with a gentle shake of his head.
"That or we're much too easy on him."
He barely shrugged. �He deserves his happiness,� he
murmured under his breath.
"I'm not disputing that. But I do wonder if he's
being spoiled."
�What does it matter if he�s being spoiled?� Sands
asked with a touch of heat in his voice. Much better to be spoiled than neglected.
Aida just stopped and looked at him, alarmed by the
current of hostility that had swept in her direction from him. "I want Ian
to be happy as much as you do. But spoiling him isn't the answer."
You don�t know
that. �Fine.�
"My childhood was perfectly happy, and I wasn't
spoiled."
�Neither was I,� he muttered. He might have been the
poor little rich kid, but that didn�t mean his parents ever gave him anything
but what was necessary for the furthering of his education. Books he had in
abundance. They were necessary. Most everything else wasn�t, and therefore
didn�t have a place within the house.
"Sands..." Aida sighed and came over to
hold him. "All I'm talking about is not giving him every single thing that
he wants. I'm not talking about withholding any love or affection or care. Like
what you did about the tattoos. He might have wanted a real one, but you knew
that wouldn't be what was best for him."
He frowned at her gesture and wanted to move away,
but he couldn�t deny that her words made a modicum of sense. �Alright.�
He didn�t quite concede the point, but he wouldn�t argue it again for now
either.
"Do you trust me to care for our son?"
He couldn�t help the hesitation as he considered the
question, and he knew that hurt her. �You�ve done a fine job by yourself thus
far. I�ve no reason to think otherwise,� he said at last.
By
yourself...thus far... Aida knew what that meant. She let him go and
walked out of the room, needing to get away for a moment to compose herself again.
Sands didn�t watch her go. Instead, he found himself
falling backward onto the bed, shutting his eyes as he did so. He couldn�t talk
to her anymore. He just couldn�t. All that they had said to each other only
made everything that much worse between them. When he tried silence as a
solution, she had wanted to speak. When she had resorted to reason and easy
questions, he spoke. It wasn�t working. Nothing was.
"You're right." Aida almost grinned when
Sands practically levitated off the bed, but her mood was too grim. "I have done a fine job, and I have done it by myself. It's not what I
would have preferred, but it's what I had to do. And before you say anything,
no, that wasn't an attempt to blame you for not being here."
�I shouldn�t have said anything. I�m sorry,� he
murmured, stilling his startled breathing and heart rate with a force of will.
He ignored the fact that he had only answered her question. �I do trust you to
care for Ian. You�re a wonderful mother, Aida,� he whispered.
"Thank you." Her ire subsided. "I
really do respect your opinion."
He simply nodded, not knowing how else to respond to
that. Perhaps a change of subject was in order. �Do you, I mean, would you like
to go out for dinner? You asked me but I,� he cut his ramblings off with a
scowl at himself. He sounded like a fucking love-struck teenager trying to ask
a pretty girl out on a date. He wasn�t one. And she was still his wife, despite
everything. He had only thought to go out for dinner in case Jeffrey showed up.
Surely he wouldn�t try anything in public. His mind refused to acknowledge that
for the lie it was.
"If you'd like to. But remember, we have Ian. I'm afraid fancy restaurants are out of the
question."
�That�s fine. I haven�t�I haven�t been out for dinner
in awhile anyway so it doesn�t really matter. I just thought that it would be
safer.�
"Possibly. But is it
what you want? I mean, I can whip something together just as easily."
He shook his head. �You�re welcome to have whatever
you like without regard to me. I just�I need to get out of here for awhile.� He
cursed himself for his weakness, but he couldn�t seem to get rid of the near
overwhelming fits of claustrophobia he frequently felt. He tried to tell
himself that there was nothing to fear, that he was being irrational, but it
did no good. He only hoped that one day it would go away on its own. He didn�t
want to have to live like this for the rest of his life.
"Alright. Why don't we
go out then? It'll make Ian happy."
He tilted his head, pausing to consider, but then wondered
why he was sitting here arguing against what he himself had suggested. �Fine. Is there anywhere you�d like to go?�
"There's a nice pizza parlor a few blocks away. If pizza is alright with you."
�Pizza�s fine. I honestly don�t care one way or the
other. I just�I need to get out of here for awhile. But it�s not�it�s not you.
And it�s not this place, it�s just�� He didn�t know why he was reassuring her
exactly, but he couldn�t help himself.
She didn't quite trust him when he said that it
wasn't her. They unsettled each other. That went too deep in both of them. "You
know," she murmured as she studied her hands, "I don't have to come
along. You could just take Ian. If you'd prefer that."
He thought about it, but shook his head. He was tired
of the distance between them. As much as he might want to say yes, he couldn�t.
He was tired of being a coward. �No, I�d�I�d like for you to come along as
well. And I know Ian would.�
"Are you sure? I mean, Ian sees me everyday. You're
still a treat."
�I�m sure,� he said with a nod, oddly bemused at the
fact that someone found him a �treat.�
"Alright. I would like
to get some laundry started first though."
�Do you know...do you know how long that will take?�
The reason he had wanted to go out was because he felt the weight of
claustrophobia pushing down on him, not because he was particularly hungry. �I
mean, if it�s going to be awhile, I can go for a walk or something.�
"Why don't you go for a walk."
Aida shrugged. "I can see you're uncomfortable. Ian and I will be ready to
go in an hour. Meet us back here."
�Alright. I�ll be back in an
hour then.� He rose and moved past her without a second glance, only wanting to
get out of this place before he was smothered. He half wished he still had his
knives and guns just for the sake of it, but he couldn�t very well go to the
CIA and ask for them back so he made do without. �Be back in an hour,� he
murmured over his shoulder on the way out the door, not turning to see if she
had heard him or not.
***
Sands awoke. He stretched and wondered for a minute
what he�d like for breakfast before bolting straight upright in bed and looking
around. He hadn�t been asleep. He had been out walking�going to meet Aida and
Ian for pizza� Oh god it happened again. He
glanced furtively over to the other side of the bed but it was left vacant, the
sheets crumbled and slept in, but not recently. He looked around the room he
found himself in and his heart rate increased. This is not the same place. This is not London. Oh god, oh god. He�s
fucking done it to me again. He didn�t know where he was, he didn�t know
how much time had passed, fuck he didn�t even know if Aida and Ian were still
alive! He pressed his clenched fists against his forehead in a vain effort to
banish that thought from his head. They
were alive. You�d know if they were dead. Of course you would. They�re not
dead.
�Jeffrey, you miserable son of a bitch, wake the fuck
up,� Sands hissed in a low voice. When there was no answer, Sands took an
unneeded breath and screamed within his mind for Jeffrey to show himself.
�What the fuck�oh. You�re
here. Good morning, sunshine,� Jeffrey muttered, moving a hand up to rub sleep
out of his eyes.
�What have you fucking done, you bastard? Where are
we?� Sands� voice was only just calm. It was clear he could snap at any second.
�I�ve left your fucking wife and that miserable
country behind. You should be thanking me, Sands. That bitch wasn�t doing you
any favors.�
A crack of mental energy poured out from Sands and
Jeffrey could have sworn he felt the force of a blow. That had never happened before�
�What have
you done to her? So help me, if you�re harmed a hair on her head I will fucking
kill you, Jeffrey.�
Jeffrey had been about to tell Sands to fuck off when
he realised just how serious the man was. �Kitty�s fucking fine. Your brat is
fucking fine. They�re just not here,� he said between clenched teeth.
�And where is here?� Sands asked evenly.
�Italy. It�s been three months,� Jeffrey answered in
clipped tones, not liking being interrogated it all. He was and had been in
charge for a long time now. Sands was barely even
there most times and Jeffrey found it almost too easy to exercise his will
against him. Is this how Sands felt?
With this newfound confidence in himself, Jeffrey
figure it was time to stop playing nice. �Listen
here, Sands. You have no power over me. That little parlour trick of yours a
minute ago was all you have left. You�ve become the voice in the back of my head. How does it feel?� Jeffrey
hissed.
�Fuck you,� Sands responded coldly.
�See? You�re even beginning to sound like me. How very interesting,� Jeffrey drawled.
�You don�t control me,� Sands hissed. �I created you.
It wasn�t the other way around. I can get rid of you.�
Jeffrey laughed. �Oh really?
I�d say I�d like to see you try, but it�s almost not worth the effort. I�ve got
better things to do than to worry about you.�
Sands tried to retort but found that he could no
longer speak. Jeffrey had effectively silenced him. No! I can�t, I won�t allow it to end like this! I�ll kill myself before
I allow you to rule my life, Jeffrey! Do you fucking hear me, you bastard! I�ll
do it!
Jeffrey was in fact still listening, but he didn�t
bother to comment. �I think I�ll take vixen and the twins on a tour of the city
today. They�d like that.�
Sands just screamed on.
***
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