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The Faithful and Ferocious	By : HatefulWitch Category: Star Wars (All) > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3332 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, characters, or creation of Star Wars, nor do I make any money off of it.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Clink. Clink.
What is that? His cranium was a bowl of lead and electric shocks convulsed through every joint and muscle. He felt like he'd been hit by a cargo freighter and to top it off, he didn't know what that clinking sound was. He laid flat on his back as his eyes adjusted out of their sleep-filled fog, trying to pinpoint the source of that resounding clink, clink, clink. His vision eventually sharpened and after a moment, he noticed a mist on the window. It's raining. No wonder I couldn't place that sound. There hadn't been a good downpour since last year. Anything other than cloudless, sweltering sun was a rare atmospheric condition on Tatooine.
Grey sunlight streamed through the cracks in the blue curtains as he tried to recall why he felt so horrendous. Had he fallen off the roof of the house? Had he been assaulted by a nexu? The harder he tried to recall his ordeal, the more his head throbbed. He decided to ask Anakin what went on, but when he tried to get up, his nervous system refused to obey the signals from his brain. He couldn't move a muscle. It felt like the force of gravity had multiplied.
While he was evaluating how to remedy this infirmity, a balmy sensation started to swallow his body like a monga-snake. Heat radiated in his toes and meandered up his legs, numbing his lower back and spine. It tied knots into his stomach and increased his heartrate as it glided over his chest and down his arms. A prickling sensation mixed with the broiling heat when it branched up his neck and swirled around his head. Only when his energy felt feverish did he realize what was consuming him. Anakin's energy.
Force bonds were a strange breed of animal.
After the incident in the Sea, Anakin forged a bond that was much more extensive and long-lasting than the temporary ones they forged during meditation. He knew it was the only way he would be able to provide enough Living Force to rehabilitate the Jedi. One good byproduct of this beefed-up bond was the increased ability to monitor Obi-Wan's condition. Since it is impossible to separate your cosmic signature from your energy, even if you give it away in a bond, he was able to gauge his friend's emotions and wellbeing by using his Living Force as a meter.
The connectedness Force bonds created could also cause physical side effects like the ones Obi-Wan was currently experiencing, especially when the two bonders were highly attuned.
As soon as Obi-Wan recognized his friend's Living Force, he tried to blanket himself in it. Anakin's energy was not always easy to tolerate. Sometimes it caused him to feel emotionally overwhelmed or physically sick because of how erratic it could be. There'd been a couple times when they bonded he distinctly remembered thinking It's like crash-landing in an assault ship. He never mentioned when he felt like that, he knew it would upset Anakin. But he'd deal with that feeling a hundred times a rotation if it meant he got to feel like he did at this very moment. There was nothing he adored more than being enveloped in his best friend's energy while it was placid. With every little tendril of their energies he coiled together, the heat and tingling in his body intensified. I need more. Where are you, love?
::::
Anakin tried three different types of hypnosis on himself and still couldn't unlock his repressed memories. Although he didn't know what he'd done out in the Sea, there was no chance it was anything friendly, funny, or forgivable. He already knew there wasn't a snowball's chance on this sun-scorched planet Obi-Wan was going to give him any specifics. His old master already thought he was loose around the edges and wasn't going to whip out a seam-ripper anytime soon. He had to do something! He had to figure out what happened! He needed to know what he said! If that abhorrent voice in his head accessed his tongue, he needed to make it right.
Obi-Wan was a tenacious, seasoned warrior that could face down pretty much anything. That wasn't something Anakin questioned for even a second. However, there were certain little things that really got to his old master. He knew degradation of any variety never sat well with the Stewjonian and that wicked voice constantly spewed it. If any degrading statements were made, he was willing to expose the darkness inside him and ask forgiveness. It's not that he thought Obi-Wan couldn't cope with whatever might have been said so much as he didn't want Obi-Wan to think he was the one saying it.
The only thing worse than the uncertain was the certain.
The last thing he ever wanted was Obi-Wan in danger because of him. The Sea Circumstance was his fault no matter how it was sliced. He should have never agreed to wait in that corvette instead of turning himself into Sidious. He should have never agreed to live in this house. He should have never run his mouth and made it common knowledge that Living Forces were capable of fending off the dark side. Without his loose lips, the man he loved wouldn't have been hurt trying to get a pitiful piece of Sithspit like him back into his weak-willed mind.
You are delaying the inevitable. You will die in the dark. You know it and Obi-Wan knows it. He laid his head on the chopping block to stop you from falling for one reason. He wants to be able to tell himself he tried to do the moral thing. He tried to save you. That way, when he puts you down like a rabid beast in the end, his conscience is clear. Why else would he give his energy over to worthless waste like you?
"Why is he doing any of this? Why is he healing my wounds and talking to me like we're friends and making me dinner and doing my laundry and making my bed? Why doesn't he tell the brixing truth?"
Why doesn't he say he hates listening to your devilish mouth? Why doesn't he say he hates how insane you are? He hates touching your Living Force. He always has. It's a joke, a-
"Stop," he fiercely rebuked himself. "This is what drove you up the wall two nights ago. You love Obi-Wan and you know he does not operate like that. Stop."
He mentally recited these words as he took deep, meditative breaths. He didn't get far in his self-soothing techniques before a thrill writhed up his spine, shooting into the base of his skull and fanning across his shoulders. Obi-Wan. He stood from the end of his bed and swiftly made his way to the bedroom on the other side of the house. A smile lit up his face when he found his friend lethargically blinking up at the ceiling. He carefully climbed onto the side of the bed and gently placed his mechno-hand on the drowsy man's stomach, "I'm so glad to see you awake. How are you feeling?"
The response was almost whined, "Tired."
His mechno-thumb rubbed small circles into Obi-Wan's stomach, "Do you feel nauseous or anything? Too hot or too cold?"
"Just tired."
"I'm making sure you aren't feeling any negative side effects from the energy I gave you. Your Living Force was much too diminished for comfort, so I shared mine with yours."
"I'm fine."
His mechno-thumb stilled as he leaned down and dug his left elbow into the mattress beside the blonde's shoulder, "How did you know that would work? Sharing only a portion of your energy, I mean."
Obi-Wan slowly blinked, "What?"
"You only shared half of your Living Force with me. How did you know that only a portion would drive out the darkness?"
The slurred response was repeated with the same inflection and muddle, "What?"
He frowned and relocated his mechno-hand to the side of the disoriented man's bristly jaw, "Do you not remember what happened?"
"Not really."
He wasn't sure if this was good news or bad news. On one hand, it meant Obi-Wan wouldn't remember any vile thing he may have said during the Sea Circumstance. On the other hand, it meant Obi-Wan might have head trauma or be suffering negative reactions from their energy exchange. I'd rather have to explain multiple personalities. He'd gotten into the business of exchanging vast amounts of energy twice now, but he was on the receiving end both times. There was no doubt what giving all of one's Living Force resulted in- his wife's fate left no question. But giving only half? He wasn't sure what the side effects could entail. His mechno-thumb comfortingly swiped across Obi-Wan's cheek, "Maybe it will all come back when your Living Force heals."
The subsequent words were spoken calmly and tiredly, "I need you inside me."
He yanked his hand to his chest, "What?"
"Your energy."
Feeling like a fool for his lewd misinterpretation, he stood upright and took a couple steps away from the bed, "No. No, I can't give you anymore right now. I gave you all you needed to bolster your energy while it was too diminished to start regeneration naturally. Now your Living Force needs to separate what's left of mine out so it can finish regenerating on its own."
Obi-Wan took a cavernous breath, "Please?"
Battle-worn fingers scrunched up the coverlet as they inched towards Anakin. He stepped forward and grabbed the wandering digits, "As soon as you get better, okay? Then my energy is an Infinite Nebstar Casino buffet. You can take as much as you want from me."
Emerald eyes closed, "I need you now."
There was a nauseating whirl in his stomach and he instantly recognized how emotional Obi-Wan was getting. He wasn't sure why his refusal to share his energy was causing such turmoil, but it was certainly the last thing he wanted. His mechno-hand tightened around Obi-Wan's and his flesh hand moved to the pillow beside the man's head, "Don't be upset." He leaned in to connect their eyes, "Can't you feel me? I can feel you. I feel you coursing through every nerve, through every vein, every bone. Do you feel me?"
"Yes."
"Focus on me." He brushed his fingertips through Obi-Wan's caramel beard, "There's no need to get upset."
The immobile man tried to lean into the touch, "You said you were going."
The one thing he remembers. He touched a gentle fingertip to the end of the distraught Jedi's nose, "I'm not going anywhere while you need me."
Obi-Wan's eyes were heavier than link-steel when he beseeched, "Please don't keep yourself from our bond."
The back of Anakin's left hand smeared over his mouth when he felt a thrashing pang in his chest. Force, Obi-Wan. We've become way too dependent on each other's energy. He squeezed the fingers in his grip firmly, "That's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to heal you. As soon as you're better, you can have as much of my energy as you want, but I promise you won't want it as badly as you do now. My energy is assisting yours at the moment, so you are instinctually seeking more of it."
Obi-Wan lost his filter in his unguarded state, "No, I want more of you."
Anakin felt another stab in his chest. This one sent tidal heatwaves surging through his body. Was that anger? He must really want more of my energy. Unfortunately, he knew he could not relent, "You'll feel differently when your head's on straight."
::::
The torrential rain passed by the second time he came to. He was relieved when he could lift his hand from the bed and slather it over his oily face. He figured it was safe to sit up after he elevated onto an elbow to test out the condition of his noggin and suffered no onsets of vertigo. He slowly pushed to the side of the bed to stand up but promptly fell to the floor. Though the shout of his name came from the other side of the house, Anakin was at his side in a matter of seconds. The Tatooinian pulled him into a sitting position by the biceps, "Why didn't you yell for me?"
"I felt fine," he reasoned. "I didn't think it would be a problem."
Anakin moved behind him and wrapped mismatched arms around his underarms, "You probably need more rest. You've only been asleep for a rotation and a half. Use any strength in your legs." He complied with the order, enabling the brunette to haul him onto the side of the bed. Steady hands relocated to his shoulders to prop him up, "Your energy probably hasn't finished regenerating. I'm sure once it's done, your body will be back in working order."
"I can sit up on my own."
Anakin retracted his hands, "Oh, sorry."
Obi-Wan tiredly smiled, "No, I wasn't…I mean, I was informing you my body is operating fine for the most part. It's only standing apparently that I'm having trouble with."
"Oh, well, I'd say another rotation or two and that should be no problem." His arms crossed behind his back and he made a concentrated effort to maintain eye contact when he inquired, "So…do you remember what happened?"
You would get sick and tired of his smart mouth. Obi-Wan's hands leaned against the edge of the bed, "Yes."
With breaths and heartrate quickening, he bit his lower lip, "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. Anything I said to you-"
"I've known you the majority of your life, in case you've forgotten. I am well aware when you are not acting normally. On Mustafar, in the Sea; I knew you were overtaken."
He commenced an edgy pace, "Every time something overtakes me, I try to kill you."
I'll go. I'm going. Obi-Wan shook his head, "Don't start that again."
The brunette ceased his short-lived pace in the corner of the room. He faced the wall and softly reasoned, "You're not safe with me and you don't deserve to live constantly on-guard. It's becoming clearer and clearer you're living with the enemy."
"First off, you're not my enemy; you're my best friend. Secondly, nobody has a lightsaber to my throat," Obi-Wan's eyebrows creased, unsure why his former padawan was still stuck on this. "I am here because I choose to be."
Anakin turned, dropped his hands from behind his back, and skeptically stared, "Why?"
The demanding query earned a subdued sigh, "How many years have you been asking me that?"
His fisted hands settled on his hips, "How many years have you been giving inadequate justifications?"
Obi-Wan clasped the sheets in despair, "Why can't you accept I care about you?"
"Because that's not a legitimate answer."
"Because it's from me."
"Yes, because it's from you!"
"I can't do anything about it if you think I'm incapable of caring about someone," the Jedi defeatedly laid back on the bed and molded a hand over his forehead.
Anakin agitatedly pointed at his own chest, "You're not incapable of caring about someone; you're incapable of caring about me!"
Terrible cold chills raced through Obi-Wan's body and it felt like wax was in his throat. You always have to go for the Achilles tendon, don't you? His eyes closed as he tried to swallow, "I don't know why you have to say things like that."
The Tatooinian's voice lowered in response to the quiet, pained remark, "You're the one who said it, not me."
"I've never said anything like that," he repudiated.
"In the Meditation Garden, in the billet, in the Jedi courier, on Draethos, on Rennokk-"
His hand slipped from his forehead and he sat up once more, "You're twisting my words."
The accusation reignited Anakin's wrath, "Netflash, Obi-Wan! In the galaxy of non-Jedi, normal-speaking fucking people the words I have no attachment to you means I don't care about you!"
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
To his surprise, Anakin snatched the screen of a holotrace device from the built-in shelf beside the door and violently smashed it against the ground. There was a firework-like bang and shattered pieces of the screen scattered across the flextile in every direction. The extreme show of anger wasn't acknowledged as he yelled, "How the fuck did you know giving half of your energy was going to bring me back? It took all of Padmé's! How'd you know it'd take only half of yours?"
Ordinarily, that kind of destructive outburst would be addressed immediately. Obi-Wan thought smashing random objects to alleviate rage was something Anakin left behind in early adolescence and he wasn't partial to that phase coming back around. At the same time, he knew the score. Irrespective of who brought it up, attachment had always been a touchy subject. The only matter worse to talk to Anakin about than attachment was attachment to Obi-Wan.
He wasn't a di'kut. He was well aware Anakin was attached to him. It was the only reason for the tremendous upset when he would say the attachment wasn't mutual. He didn't allow his imagination to run wild about it though. The attachment to him was undoubtedly familial, as a brother is attached to a brother or a son is attached to a father. While Anakin was his padawan, he would never ask himself whether or not he held attachment, so the only proper answer was No, I am not attached to you. When he recognized his deep attachment later on, he continued to say No, I am not attached to you because it was easier to deny all attachment than to try to translate his romantic attachment into familial attachment.
He'd been self-righteous in the Sea. He told himself he would never outright lie to Anakin, but that's what he'd been doing for years and he'd been doing it to make it easier on himself. He thought if he began saying You are my brother, it would be enough to soothe his volatile friend. However, it was made clear time and again more was expected of him. Despite that strain in their relationship, he could never find it within himself to come up with elaborate details of familial attachment that didn't exist.
But as he sat on that bed and saw how much pain this still caused after all these years, he didn't see how he could keep taking the easy way out.
Only Anakin's tumultuous history with attachment convinced him to let the violent outburst slide. They hadn't spoken of the subject in many years and to bring it up again was tantamount to tearing open a freshly-stitched wound. Instead, he did his best to ride the swing in emotions, "Hatred wasn't teeming from every fiber of your being like it was on Mustafar. When I found your energy, it hadn't been contorted. It was still you. I knew there had to be time for me to do something."
"So, you didn't know," Anakin woefully stressed.
He focused on his incensed friend's eyes to make sure they stayed a healthy blue, "I would have rather taken the chance and failed than missed the opportunity to save you. Not that I care or anything." He literally bit his tongue. Why'd you have to say the last line?
The fallen Jedi turned and silently stared for a moment. At first, he was about to blow his top, then he recalled the age-old proverb of Obi-Wan standing on the right side of everything. This man gives you a home. You blast off. He tracks you down. You attack him. He gives you over half his life's energy and tells you he cares about you. You yell at him and smash his shit. Go fuck yourself. After a second of unfaltering eye contact, he crossed the room and hugged his wonderfully patient and giving friend, "Thank you. I know I would be lost in darkness again without you."
After overcoming an initial bite of confusion, Obi-Wan gladly took this positive turn and returned the embrace, "Did this type of event ever happen when you were in the Lake Country?"
"No," the brunette pulled back and kneeled at his former master's feet. "At least, not that I can recall."
"Did something happen to trigger it? A terror? A frightening thought? Did I say something?"
He clasped Obi-Wan's knee, "You didn't do or say anything to cause it."
"Did you have a night terror?"
The younger Forceful looked down, "No."
"You'd been awake?" The terse glance the Jedi received told him all he needed to know. His middle finger traced over Anakin's temple, "So that brain of yours was a-going. What is the last thing you remember thinking about?"
"I don't know," was the dismissive reply.
His encouragement was undemanding as he recalled the memory lapse Anakin suffered after being yanked back into the light, "Concentrate. You were acting curiously. You kept opening and closing the oven for about forty-five minutes then you retired to your bedroom. What happened after that?"
The Tatooinian stood up and took a couple steps back while nervously wringing his hands, "I started mulling over how thermal I am."
Obi-Wan's head tilted in question, "For what you did in the kitchen?"
"Yeah."
"If-"
"Then I started mulling over how thermal you probably perceive me to be," he teetered on his feet before turning to his right. His pacing, voice, and hand motions were frantic, "I thought about how much you hate my histrionics and probably wish I would shut up and sit down for once. I thought about how franging fed up you probably are with me and how much you probably want to slap my mouth or leave or kick me out, just get the kwaag away from me so you don't have to look at my fucking face another second and-"
At this point, he finally paced close enough that the older man could lean forward and grab his tunic, "Anakin. Breathe with me."
Obi-Wan inhaled audibly through his nose then exhaled with an exaggerated purse of his lips. After repeating the steps a couple times, Anakin joined in. Within a minute of this practice, he released the tunic in his hold, "I endured your childhood, preteen, and teenage tantrums. Admittedly, your adult tantrums are different in nature, but I can handle them all the same. I'm not going to leave and you're not going to leave. If you ever have these thoughts again, remind yourself I have seen the very worst parts of you. I have seen them many times for many years at very close proximity and still I am here with you." When hopeful, unsure eyes bore into his, he bent forward, "Okay?"
The inquiry earned a nod and catlike eyes cast to a shard of the holotrace screen on the floor, "Can I ask you an unrelated question?"
"What?"
The question was as quiet as a skimp, "Do you like when our Living Forces touch?"
A small snicker accompanied Obi-Wan's smile, "What kind of question is that?"
Shame heated up Anakin's cheeks. He knew he shouldn't have asked, but it weighed heavy on his mind after such an extensive bond had been shared between them the past couple rotations. Every tender caress of their energies lifted him to a heavenly sphere and he wanted to know if it was the same for Obi-Wan. He knew he shouldn't have asked…
"It's the only time I've known completion."
His head jerked up and they stared intently at each other for some time. Between his paranoia and low self-esteem, he wasn't convinced he heard right. He closed the distance between them and kneeled down as he had earlier, "You do like it?"
Obi-Wan hunched forward, "I said, it's the only time I've known completion."
Anakin didn't know quite what to say. It's the closest thing he's ever said and will ever say to I love you. Obi-Wan's breath gently panted against his face and his flickering eyes could barely stay open under the longing he felt staring into those spellbinding jade orbs. It's Obi-Wan. He meant it helps him to better harmonize with the Force and he's probably wondering why you're staring like this. He forced his eyes downwards and leaned back.
Before he could stand, Obi-Wan settled a hand on his shoulder, "Can I ask you an unrelated question?" He curtly nodded. "What does amanica mean?"
He swiftly stood up and turned away to hide his blush, "Why do you ask that?"
"You called me amanica twice in the Dune Sea. What does it mean?"
"It's a nonsensical Tal-nira word," he assumed his best impression of nonchalance. As a distraction, he took a knee, held out the bottom of his overtunic, and began placing shards of the holotrace screen into it. Obi-Wan knew many tongues, but Tal-nira wasn't one of them. It's why he used the language to begin with. With careful maneuvering, he may be able to get out of this mess with his dignity.
Obi-Wan's arms crossed, "If it's a nonsensical term, why did you call me it?"
He scurried around the floor, pretending to be concentrated on the task of picking up the demolished screen, "I didn't. I was saying it, you know, like oh stars. I was using it like Oh stars, Obi-Wan, I'm not going to leave you out here."
"Affording energy made me tired, Anakin, not stupid. I am highly capable of using context clues and you called me amanica. What does it mean?" The stubborn silence Obi-Wan received only increased his determination. If you're going to act like a ten-year-old again, I'll treat you like one. "If you are really going to force me to find a translator, I'll do it."
Anakin peered over his shoulder to petulantly scoff, "And you say I can't let things go? It means kindred spirit."
"Why was that so hard to say?"
He aimlessly waved around a fragment of holotrace screen between his mechno-fingers, "Because in Galactic Basic Standard it sounds churlish."
"You are so strange," Obi-Wan's brow rose. "Now put those pieces on the table and come help me to the refresher. I need to use it immediately."
The brunette walked towards the thin rectangular table under the window, "I'm strange? Says the man who's willing to go to the trouble of finding a translator over a single word."
And he probably should have. He turned his tunic inside out to push the pieces of the device onto the table. Although you are my kindred spirit, that's not what amanica means. He turned and made his way towards the bed. It means sweetheart. And it's the perfect pet name for you.
::::
He was only trying to decompress. He didn't want to think about night terrors. He didn't want to think about his irrational emotions. He didn't want to think about Obi-Wan. He didn't want to think about the Sith. He didn't want to think about Padmé. He didn't want to think about his children. He didn't want to think about the terrible modifications Organa had probably made to Artoo and Threepio. He didn't want to think about his disgusting body. He didn't want to think about blood, electromagnetic radiation, flame blasters, explosive knives, a field of entrails, celestial spheres. He didn't want to think anymore. Just sleep.
A green, blinking light and a continual blaring noise snapped him out of his groggy state. His head hammered back against his pillow with a frustrated groan, "I'll never sleep again." He reached over to snatch the source of his frustration off his bedside table and sat up. Unsure how to activate it, he fumbled with the comlink a bit until he decided to mash the blinking light. A small projector in the middle of the thin, white, decagon-shaped gadget cast forth an image of Ahsoka holding a matching device. These rebels have all kinds of fancy toys. Comlink is not the right name, my padawan. He noticed a black, reflective screen on the side of the tiny communication device and figured that must be where the mic and corder were. He sat up straight and waved, "Hey, Snips."
"Hey, Anakin," the Shilian waved back with her free hand. "I'm at a rendezvous point holing until some Phoenix rebels materialize. I thought I'd comm you up in my downtime! I wanted to see how you and Obi-Wan are faring."
"We're surviving," he rubbed one of his sleepy eyes. "There was an incident…"
"Incident?"
He held up his hand in surrender, "Don't point the Togruta war spear at me."
"I will try my best to contain the urge," she laughed.
"I relapsed."
Her hand framed her cheek, "How big of a relapse?"
He knew he could have easily saved himself any trouble by not mentioning the Sea Circumstance, but he wanted to earn back his former padawan's trust and knew concealing things from her wasn't going to earn him any points, "Prodigious."
The renounced Jedi tried to strain any accusation out of her voice, "Did you hurt Obi-Wan?"
"He's tired but fine."
"Well, let's hear it."
He placed the comlink on one of his thighs and rubbed his hands over his face, "I…I lost it. Simple as that. I got myself so stirred up I became a fraidee-frog. I practically put the pass key on the panel, opened the door, and invited the dark side in. I-"
She waved her hand back and forth, "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to interrupt, but what? What's fraidee-frog?"
"Gungan term. It basically means I was afraid. I scared the hell out of myself and trucked out into the Dune Sea in the dead of the night. Obi-Wan came after me. He says we wrestled and there was no real damage from it, but he couldn't purge the darkness from me. So, in a last-ditch effort he...forfeited a little over half of his Living Force to mine."
"What?" Ahsoka shrieked, her hand flailing skyward. "He could have died!" The despondent expression she received let her know Anakin was well aware of that and had thoroughly beaten himself up over it. She took a very deep breath and tried to offer solace, "But if he's still kicking it and you're firing on all thrusters again, his gamble paid off." Unfocused, gloomy eyes made her insist, "I was surprised, Skyguy. I didn't mean he shouldn't have chanced it. What got you so blazing to begin with?"
"I thought Obi-Wan was fed up with me."
She consciously stopped herself from laughing, "Is that really the reason?"
"Yes. I was afraid he was going to leave me."
"Obi-Wan's not going to leave you," she confidently declared. He loves you more than life clearly. "Why would that even be a concern?"
Yes, Anakin, why would that be a concern, you backsliding defective?
His eyes closed in an attempt to clear his head, "I…I kept thinking after all these years, he's probably sick and tired of my interminable cycle of dramatics."
This time, she couldn't contain her laughter, "You have it twisted like a spiral galaxy, Master. Obi-Wan is so accustomed to you, I don't think he knows how to function without you. When you were gone, he acted like a ghost of himself. A very sad, very lonely ghost. The minute he found you on Naboo, he snapped right back to his old self and if you don't think that's because of you, you're in denial. You mean the divine cosmos to him."
Anakin twisted his hand around the shielding of his mechno-arm. I wish I meant that to him. He knew the only thing he was to Obi-Wan was a responsibility. He was a student, a lamb, a patient and Obi-Wan was his teacher, his shepherd, his doctor. If they'd met under other circumstances, any single other circumstance, Obi-Wan would have never wanted him as a friend. Some hateful, disrespectful, ferocious guy that used his mouth and fist more than his brain half the time… There was no question: Obi-Wan had always felt and would always feel responsible for the assignment given to him eighteen years prior.
Her hand raised palm-up in front of her chest, "Why didn't you talk to Obi-Wan if you were that upset?"
"Because I make bad decisions."
The reprimand in her voice was unintentional, "You have to be more open with him. You can't have him giving his energy to you off the cuff like that."
The words were like a vibrospade to the head. Anakin knew Obi-Wan's risky behavior was his fault and Ahsoka's admonishment only reaffirmed it. How was it Obi-Wan could protect him at every turn, yet he couldn't seem to return the favor even once? Metal fingers anxiously stroked through tussled curls, "If he'd been seriously harmed or worse…I don't know what I would have done."
The self-accusation was evident.
Ahsoka tried to speak more softheartedly, "Did his Living Force already regenerate?"
"For the most part. I gave him some of mine to help the process along," he forthrightly admitted.
She tried to bite back her criticism; she really did. But these two know better! Obi-Wan and Anakin were both astonishingly intelligent and incredibly skilled with the Force. Even if their skill and intelligence levels weren't winning arguments on their own, she expressly knew Anakin knew not to share your Living Force with others because he taught her that! Furthermore, she knew he learned that from his master, which was obviously Obi-Wan! Though these two didn't have to worry about one another causing damage (probably), they could get to a point where they wouldn't be able to function without each other's energy. Her head shook disapprovingly and the scold in her voice returned, "You two are going to be so damn codependent on each other's Living Force."
"We already were. At least, I was dependent on his." He finally met his friend's wide gaze, "We've been temporarily bonding during joint meditations since I arrived. I've craved his energy since the second or third time."
"Tell him."
A half-smile stretched over his lips, "I'm sure he already knows. I never pull back from the bond-"
"No," she interrupted her former master. Her head tilted forward and she stressed the directive, "Tell him."
Down in his bones he knew what she was referring to, but until she made if perfectly clear, he wasn't going to react. She eventually realized he wasn't going to tell on himself if she didn't already know and held out an indicative hand towards him, "He's not just your best friend. You're in love with him."
Anakin didn't advertise his love for Obi-Wan. There'd never been a time where he was feeling schmoozy with someone and said Hey, can you keep a secret. His love for Obi-Wan was his sacred garden and he kept it well guarded within the fortress of his heart. Be that as it may, someone once spotted his garden and outright entered it. It was the only other person besides Ahsoka to ever do so. They asked, how long have you been in love with him? Since I was a child, had been the response. They asked, are you sure it's not hero worship? The question had been met by laughter, I worship him, but it's not because he's my hero. They asked, why aren't you in a relationship with him? They had received a sad smile, he doesn't want me.
Although he didn't flaunt his love for Obi-Wan, he wasn't going to deny it to anybody, "It's glaring, isn't it?"
She smiled reassuringly, "To me. I doubt it is to Obi-Wan."
"I can't tell him. He doesn't return those feelings and I wouldn't be able to bear it being uncomfortable between us."
"How do you know the feelings aren't returned?"
He gave an unimpressed stare from under lowered brows, "It's Obi-Wan, Ahsoka. A paragon of Jedi custom and conduct. A man whose only known relationship was with a female. My master that raised me from the age of ten. A man that has told me forthright, bluntly, to my face, on multiple occasions he has no attachment to me. He doesn't feel the same."
She twisted her head from side to side as though she was stretching for a run on a motility track then took a deep breath, "If he's a paragon of the Jedi way, why did he break the Code and share his Living Force?" When there was no response, she took another breath, "It's called bisexual. You should understand the term quite well." She sucked in an additional breath, "You are almost thirty years old and he is not your father." She quickly drew her last dramatic breath and stuck a forefinger in the air, "Furthermore, I would hope you are familiar with the definition of the word deflection."
After playing witness to the Togrutan's overconfident attitude, the only riposte he could muster was, "When…did you become exactly like me?"
She only replied with a gleaming smile, "Are you going to tell him?"
"Never. I'll take this to the grave."
The smile was lost, "I don't understand why."
"I already know the answer. I don't want to hear him say it."
"You're making a major planet-sized assumption."
"Even if I was wrong… the only thing someone got in exchange for loving me is death."
There was a pause before Ahsoka solemnly declared, "Obi-Wan deserves to make his own choices instead of you making them for him."
Anakin's gaze fell, "I'm exhausted, Snips. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Stay safe."
"You, too. Catch you in the chaos."
::::
The suns were barely ascended over the horizon when they revved up the landspeeder. Their daily grind consisted of waking up and jetting over to the Great Chott salt flat to visit Luke for two, occasionally three, hours. The Skywalkers made habitual complaints about the time constraints, but Obi-Wan had to fret about both Owen Lars and Anakin manifesting their male egos in shockingly primitive manners in an effort to assert completely meaningless dominance over one another. The two men unquestionably despised each other and did not like the other being in Luke's life, so Obi-Wan figured if he limited the visits to only a couple of hours, Owen would stay out of their hair. So far, it seemed to have worked.
The hum of the repulsorlift engine was barely audible in the sealed cockpit of the speeder. They approached from the northeast, giving them full view of the back of the moisture farm's entry dome. As they were closing in, they noticed a tiny human creeping around the side of the structure with a little red bucket. Anakin leaned forward in the driver's seat, "What's he doing?"
Obi-Wan mimicked the action in the passenger's seat, "I don't know."
He steered the speeder close to his suspiciously-behaving son and deaccelerated the thrust turbines before cutting the engine. He opened the driver's side door only for his offspring to leap at him like a veermok. The boy's arms latched around his legs, "I've missed you."
He smiled and hauled the child up against his chest by the underarms, "I've missed you, too, cadet. What are you doing back here?"
"Oh! I'll show you! I'll show you!" Luke excitedly bounced his legs up and down. Anakin lowered him back to the ground and he scrambled around the door of the landspeeder. He yanked up his abandoned bucket and resumed his one-boy voyage, navigating across the back of the flat. He saw Obi-Wan closing the passenger door and smiled, "Hi, Obi!"
"Hello, Luke," the blonde returned and watched the impish child stroll further along.
Both Obi-Wan and Anakin wore befuddled expressions when Luke stopped at a lead pipe poking straight up from the ground. He held the bucket up to the spigot and twisted a wheel handle to unleash a steady stream of water. They shared an unsure glance and made their way towards him. He filled up his bucket by the time they reached him. Anakin settled a hand on the top of his son's head after the spigot was shut off, "Luke, what are you doing?"
The boy smiled proudly, "I'm gonna take this water and pour it in the sand!"
"Why?"
His smile glimmered as he took slow steps with the water-heavy bucket, "To make figures!"
Anakin's mechno-hand flailed outwards, "But that's-that's- do the Larses know you're doing this with their water?"
"Nope!"
He gazed at Obi-Wan in uncertainty. The Jedi nodded towards Luke with lifted brows to which he shrugged with one raised and one creased eyebrow. In response, Obi-Wan nodded again with higher brows and clandestinely pointed towards Luke. His eyes rolled upwards and he sighed. He strode to his son's side and took the bucket of water, "Luke, you can't be wasting water like this. It's-"
Supermoon-sized eyes stared up at him, "But Daddy, he took my laser pinwheel and gyroball and action figures for forgetting to make my bed and I don't have anything to play with."
After only a few seconds, he mumbled under his breath, "Yeah, screw that guy." He took a couple steps forward and turned the bucket upside down, pouring all of the water into the sand. Obi-Wan sighed in exasperation. He paid no mind to his friend's displeasure when he encouragingly nudged Luke towards the wettened sand, "Sit down and play. I'll get you more water."
As the defiant father turned to make his way back towards the spigot, Obi-Wan stomped cross-armed to his side, "Anakin."
Not wishing to endure any lectures on childrearing, he grasped Obi-Wan's left shoulder to spin the older man around, "Here, Luke, your favorite Jedi Master wants to play with you."
Luke smiled brilliantly and pointed to a spot on the ground, "Okay, Obi, you start on a castle over there and I'll start on the other castle over here."
Obi-Wan was going to object to the blatant brush off from his housemate, but seeing how happy Luke was at his inclusion made him decide to address it later. He couldn't deny he cared about Luke's happiness as much as he cared about Anakin's. That's not to say he was naïve about it.
Anakin was the only person he'd ever loved. No one had ever made him feel alive like Anakin did. No one had ever been able to make him scream in anger or make him cry from laughing or make his heart skip in anticipation or make his blood rush from excitement or make his body ache with need or make his energy beg for touch. Anakin practically gripped him by the throat every single day and said We are breathing, feeling, throbbing, aching, needing, existing- there is no way out. He knew all the wild emotions the younger Forceful felt caused unspeakable pain, but they helped to form the most intense, beautiful soul he'd ever known. It was also the most relatable soul he'd ever known.
They both felt disconnected from the world but for different reasons. Anakin felt disconnected from any and every one, from politicians, from other Jedi, from civilians. Obi-Wan was sure it's why he broke so thoroughly with the Order and Code and found a lover. Not to say he didn't love Senator Amidala so much as to say when his abject disconnect and isolation became too overwhelming, he forsake everything to ease the pain. Obi-Wan also felt disconnected, but he wasn't as socially remote as Anakin. He wasn't so disjointed from politicians, other Jedi, or civilians. He was, however, incredibly disconnected from any forms of attachment, as his training taught him to be.
The only relationship he'd ever had that came close to real attachment was with Satine Kryze. Before he fell in love with Anakin, he thought Satine was as lost in love as you could get. He'd been sure it was love.
There were some occasions when she got his blood boiling, but she never left him speechless or breathed life into his soul. When he told her on that ship he would have left the Order for her if she'd asked him to, he hadn't lied. At the time when they intimately knew each other, a time before Anakin, he would have left everything for her. Now he was grateful she never asked.
Many years later, when he realized how far-reaching and strong his love for Anakin was, he realized the attachment he thought he possessed for people, including for Satine, was not and had never been very real. He cared, he didn't want anyone to be unhappy or die or be subjugated, but he wasn't attached to them. It was somewhat ironic. Anakin possessed extreme attachment to multiple people despite having lived a socially disconnected life while he'd lived a socially connected life with no attachment to anyone except to Anakin. And now to Luke, but that was only because the boy was Anakin's son. He knew that probably made him a bad person, but those were the cards he was dealt.
He sat down on the ground and followed the directions he was given to keep that shining smile on Luke's face. After Anakin carried a few buckets of water to their play-site, he looked up with a knowing smirk, "Don't you want to play with us?"
Luke leaned his hands against the damp ground and excitedly lurched forwards, "Yeah, Daddy!"
"Do I want to play in wet sand?" the slender Forceful mockingly laughed. "No, I don't think so."
Obi-Wan casually continued crafting his poorly-constructed sand-castle, "You see, Luke, if Mister Lars finds us, your dad doesn't want to get in trouble, so he is making it look like he is not a part of this."
Anakin crabbily scoffed and flipped the bucket over his shoulder, holding tight to its white carrying rope, "Oh, yes, I'm terribly frightened of Owen Lars."
Obi-Wan managed to smother his smile, "You see? He even admits it."
Luke heartily laughed as his father towered over the Jedi, "You know, Kenobi…"
Obi-Wan paid no mind to the intimidation tactics, "Sometimes I even have to promise him chocolate ice cream and tinta dolls to come over here, he's so scared of Mister Lars."
Anakin tossed the bucket behind him and lunged forward to push his cheeky friend over by the shoulder, "Fine, I'll play in the Force-damn sand! Move over!"
The older Force-sensitive only laughed at how easily the brunette was provoked and pushed himself up to get back to work on his sand-castle. Luke excitedly requested a sand-podracer and the father of two obliged. The figures they designed were not particularly artful, but the youngest of the group enjoyed the activities and that's all that seemed to matter. For a while. Grains of sand kept wedging under Anakin's fingernails and he was ready to scream like a stuck mynock. He kept picking the rough grains out, but he met the same issue the second he touched the wet substance again. After nearly half an hour, he finally picked his nails clean one last time and stood up. He dusted himself off and grumbled, "I hate this foul scourge."
"Perhaps you should write a bitter letter to the sand to express your discontent."
He glared crossly at Obi-Wan, but that damn twitch at the right side of the blonde's mouth stole away any anger. He childishly stuck his tongue out and turned away to walk towards the landspeeder. Obi-Wan shook his head and smiled. Anakin walked to the speeder and climbed on top of its long hood to sit. He pulled one of his legs against his chest and wrapped his arms around it. The other leg sprawled out across the heated erkinite and he watched his son and Obi-Wan play in the wet sand, trying to ignore the fire in his soul.
After his heart-to-heart with Ahsoka, he realized he'd been repeating an offense he thought he'd stop committing in his teenage years: building up false hope. When you were gone, he acted like a ghost of himself. That conversation, when they practically cuddled up on the couch, the fleeting touches, the intense gazes... He'd been imagining some great deep affection because that's what he wanted. Obi-Wan was only being compassionate to a friend in a delicate state. There was no love in any of those actions. The instance he imagined sexual tension between them was when he knew he'd officially lost the plot. He'd done nothing but constructed a world of false hope which meant it was going to be soul-killing when the illusion shattered.
He scooted to the end of the hood, hopped off, and moseyed around to the back of the vehicle.
In spite of all this logical analysis, he pleaded to the Force for Obi-Wan to love him back. It was a silly thing to do. He was a traitor, a murderer, a liar, an emotional, hideous maniac. His old master didn't hold attachments or like to get caught up in drama or suffer fools. If Obi-Wan ever fell in love with anybody, he'd be the most implausible, improbable, unlikely candidate. That didn't stop the heart-gnawing longing. Why couldn't he let go of this ridiculous fantasy? He looked over and saw Luke's smile shining like a quasi-stellar object. He'd always wanted a relationship with Obi-Wan, but he'd never added children into the equation.
His hand slapped over his hung mouth in horror. Tears flooded his eyes and his mechno-hand clapped over top of his flesh hand. Guilt and shame swarmed through him like locust and he staggered back against the tail of the landspeeder. Killed off your wife so you and Obi-Wan can have the babies she delivered. That's low even by my standards, Anakin.
Unaware of his father's woes, Luke rocked to his feet and dusted off his clothes, "I have to go inside. I wanna drink of water."
Obi-Wan pointed towards the spigot, "You can't get a drink here?"
Luke's face scrunched in disapproval, "That's dirty, Obi."
"Oh, excuse me," the Stewjonian laughed. "Carry on."
Obi-Wan watched Luke dash along the back of the entry dome and duck around the curve of the wall before twisting around to locate his missing housemate. When he found the man sitting on the back of the speeder, staring at nothing, he knew something wasn't right. He stood from the ground and hastily headed towards Anakin. He tried to act nonchalant as he leaned against the passenger's door with crossed his arms, "Are you trying to cast a hex on the sand?"
Anakin's hands lowered from his mouth, "Don't doubt my hexing powers."
"I'm sure he'll get bored of your reviled rival soon enough. He already has two castles, a podracer, and a purported tree."
The younger Forceful mindlessly clutched his folded hands against the bottom of his throat, "You're really good with him. I wish I had the instincts you have."
Something definitely isn't right. Obi-Wan pushed away from the landspeeder and took a step forward, "Your instincts are perfectly fine."
"If he gets too much of my instincts, he'll become corrupted."
He took a couple more steps forward and lightly touched Anakin's shoulder, "Why would you say that?"
"I'm filthy. Why wouldn't the filth pass down my bloodline and spill onto others?"
He circled around the corner of the speeder to carefully place his hands on sun-kissed cheeks, "Nothing about you or your bloodline is filthy. Look at me. Why are you thinking like this all of a sudden?"
Anakin opened his mouth, but no words came out. I'm trying to replace my wife with you. Tear after tear crawled from his eyes. Obi-Wan's expression turned to one of grave concern as he attempted to wipe each crystalline droplet away. When the heartsick sobs were unleashed, he cupped a hand around the back of honey curls and enfolded his other arm around the brunette's waist. Anakin's face ended up against his shoulder and shaking hands clutched the front of his tunic. His melodious voice cooed, "Don't cry, faneta. We don't have to talk about it right now."
"Daddy?"
The older Skywalker instinctively froze and tried to muffle his sobs, unsure what else to do. Luckily, Obi-Wan knew Anakin would not want Luke to witness this scene. He still held tight to the man in his arms when he looked over his shoulder at the five-year-old, "What is it, little one?"
Despite any efforts to prevent it, Luke had heard his father's cries. He nervously knitted his fingers together, "What's wrong?"
Obi-Wan loosened his hand from the back of Anakin's head and held it out for the wide-eyed boy. Luke swallowed heavily as he walked up to take hold of it with his little hands. The Jedi's hand closed over both of his, "Your dad isn't feeling well right now."
His face filled with panic, "Is he sick?"
Obi-Wan felt the fists in the front of his shirt tighten. He didn't want to cause anymore upset, but he knew Anakin's policy on honesty, "He's soul-sick."
The bewilderment and worry on the child's face was palpable, "What's that mean?"
"He is very sad and very tired. We are going home early today. Is that okay?"
"Uh huh, get him to bed," Luke instructed resolutely. "He needs water and a anti-virus pill."
The smile couldn't be helped, "Thank you, Luke. We will see you tomorrow."
As his hands were released, Luke confidently declared, "I love you, Daddy."
Obi-Wan clenched his teeth at the resounding sobs the statement received. He leaned over to touch his hand to the top of Luke's head, "He loves you, too."
He turned back around and stooped down to weave his arm under cybernetic knees. He tightened the arm around Anakin's torso before pulling the taller man's thighs against his waist. With notable ease, he stood upright and tread to the passenger side of the landspeeder. He bent down and used the hand under Anakin's thigh to unlatch the door and step backwards until it was fully open. Flesh and leather-gloved hands plastered over tear-drenched eyes when he nestled the Tatooinian into the passenger seat. He withheld any comments as he stood and closed the door.
He didn't expect Luke to still be standing behind the speeder, restlessly wringing his hands, "Did I make him cry?"
He stooped down and settled a hand on a tiny shoulder, "No, you didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't feel well right now."
"It's 'cause I wanted to play in the sand, isn't it?"
His head shook avidly, "No, sand doesn't make him this upset. You didn't do anything wrong. He just needs to go home and sleep."
"Make sure he gets lots of sleep," the youngling implored.
"I will," he gently squeezed the younger Skywalker's shoulder.
Without asking permission or giving any warning at all, Luke flung his arms around the Jedi's neck. After only a couple seconds, he pulled back and ran along the driver's side of the speeder.
Obi-Wan only smiled.
- 7
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The Faithful and Ferocious