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More Than Darkness	By : SaMe Category: M through R > Once Upon A Time In Mexico Views: 4591 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the movie that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 73
- 74
- 75
It
wasn�t quite a cathedral that Sands found for her, though the building was made
of stone and did have its fair share of stained glass windows. Instead, the
small stone church was big enough to hold perhaps a hundred people � a hundred
and thirty if they were all friendly � but it breathed peace. The fact that few
tourists would likely stop here simply added to allure, and Aida found herself
wandering inside. After surveying the ranks of empty pews, she turned to her
husband. �Are you going to stay?�
�Maybe
I�ll just go outside for a cigarette. You do your thing. I�ll be close by,� he
said with a nod.
"Alright."
She started to go further in, then
hesitated. "This might take a
bit."
�If I
get bored I�ll just have a hit of the communion wine,� he teased although he
kept a straight face. �I�ll be fine.�
She
nodded then hurried inside and took a seat at a pew, crossing herself as she
knelt on the small padded rail. Sands watched after her, then shook his head
and wandered off.
Aida
didn�t know how long she�d spent kneeling and thinking. It was long enough to
send her feet to sleep, but then again, that almost always happened if she
knelt for too long. She thought about easing up onto a pew, but then thought
better of it. What she really needed was to talk to someone. To someone who
could give her unbiased advice. After
all, if her suspicions were correct�
Rising
quickly enough to make the blood drain from her head, she walked towards the
confessional in the back of the room and slipped into the petitioner�s side.
Surely a priest would come along soon.
Sands
had been watching her for a long while. Especially since
there seemed to be no priests or parishioners around. It was only Aida
and him. Well, God might be here too but he didn�t know if he believed that or
not. He watched as she walked into the confessional and looked around. Still,
there wasn�t a priest in sight. Wasn�t Ireland supposedly populated by priests?
Where were they? As he looked around for a priest to hear Aida�s confession, he
got a wicked idea. He was up walking towards the priest�s side of the booth
before he could think to stop himself. He took a seat and opened the screened
window that separated them. Although he could see her full face, he sat with
his profile to her and her eyes were humbly cast towards the ground. �How long
has it been since your last confession?� he asked, trying not to smirk. He had
seen enough movies to understand the gist of how this was supposed to work.
"Five
years, Father," she murmured softly.
�Why so long, my child?� Sands asked, knowing he was a very
bad man for tricking her like this, but unable to help himself.
"I
don't know. I guess I was rebelling against my parents."
�I
see. Every child rebels from their parents in one way or another. I am sorry it
kept you away from the church for so long. Have you made amends for these sins?�
She
laughed softly; it wasn't a happy sound.
"I could start. I'm not sure
how long it would take."
�You
must make amends no matter how long it takes. You must honor your father and
mother.� Sands� tongue struggled around the Irish vowels he was trying to mimic
and the content of his words to her. �What of your other
sins, daughter?�
"I
didn't really come in here to repent, Father. Repentance usually requires a
180-degree turn from what is causing the sin. And I..." She trailed off.
"I needed to talk to someone."
�We
are always here to listen and give counsel if it is needed, my child. Tell me
what is troubling you.� Sands began to lose interest in teasing her. Now he
legitimately wanted to know what was bothering her. This wasn�t the best way to
learn, but it was the option available to him right now and he wasn�t going to
pass it up.
Aida
was quiet for so long that Sands began to wonder if she was going to speak, but
then she almost whispered, "I married a man who isn't ready to have
children. I can accept that. I understand where he's coming from. But..."
�But
you want to have a child,� Sands murmured. So that was it. She wanted to have a
kid. Well why hadn�t she said anything?
"I
wanted one someday. I mean, right now isn't a good time for us. We've just
moved, and things are uncertain for us."
Sands
had been about to ask her why she hadn�t talked about this with him when he
remembered his role. �God will let you know when the time is right for you to
take on motherhood. You�ll see.�
"I
don't...I don't think God speaks that clearly," she said, a hint of
desperation in her voice. "I'm already pregnant. Or at least I think I am.
And I don't know what to do."
�You�re
what?� Sands asked, completely forgetting that they weren�t really speaking as
husband and wife. �Fuck me. You�re pregnant.�
Aida's
eyes widened as her head came up. Their eyes met through the screen for a split
second before she darted out of the booth, making for the doors.
Sands
didn�t immediately chase after her. He was too stunned. She�s pregnant? Oh god. Why didn�t she tell me? He pushed his way
out of the confessional and set out after her.
She
heard him coming and started to run. He'd humiliated her. She'd thought she was
talking to someone - to a priest! - in confidence, and
it'd been him imposing on her much needed privacy. Hadn't it been enough that
she'd promised to talk to him about this after dinner? Why did he have to come
after her like that, when she was confused and vulnerable? God, she hated him.
�Aida,
please stop,� he called out after her, still giving chase. �I�m sorry, alright!
I shouldn�t have done it.�
She
stopped as he'd asked, but the fury and humiliation on her face made him wish
she hadn't. "Why can't you think about that before you do things like this? I just wanted a bit of privacy! I
wanted to hash out my own feelings before coming to you! Why did you even bring
me here if you weren't going to allow me the time I needed?"
�I
just wanted to talk to you,� he said softly, not meeting her eyes. �I wanted to
know what was bothering you.�
"I
promised that we would talk tonight." She hated it when he wouldn't meet
her eyes during an argument. It made her feel like she was kicking a puppy.
"I wasn't ready for this, Sands. You forced me into talking about it with
you. That's almost as good as rape."
He
drew in a sharp hiss of breath in hurt at that before he could stop himself. Rape? That�s what she compares this to? I only
wanted to talk to her! He didn�t know what to say to that.
Aida
saw the flash of anger in his eyes at her comparison. "You forced yourself
in on my privacy and stole my thoughts and feelings from me. What would you call that? You're no better than
Quentin when he tricked me into thinking he was you."
He
knew that if he didn�t leave right
fucking now he�d do something he�d regret. He couldn�t bear that. Better
she call him a rapist than he hurt her again. So instead he fished the car keys
out of his pocket and thrust them to her. �Take all the time by yourself that
you want. I�ll walk home.�
She
crossed her arms defensively over her chest. "Don't bother. I don't know
how to drive on the wrong side of the road."
�Fine,�
he murmured, taking the keys back. �Do you still want to go in there or not?
I�ll wait in the car.�
"Like
you were going to wait out here?" She looked away. "Just...go. I'll
get home on my own."
�I�m
not going to do that. I�m not just going to leave you here.�
"Why not? I'm in
a church. I'll be fine. I get a taxi home. It's not as if I've never been out on my own
before."
�Fine,�
he muttered. �Be careful.� He would have given her one of his knives, but he
didn�t think she�d accept it.
"I
will. We'll talk tonight, so you better get your own thoughts in order."
�Yeah. Right,� he murmured. �Until then.�
"Fine." She
walked past him to go back into the church.
Sands
just watched her go without expression, got into the car and drove home. Get your thoughts in order. Yeah fucking right.
It
wasn't until Aida was a few feet from the door of the church that she saw the
priest standing in the shadows inside the building. The sympathetic look on his
elderly face let her know that he'd overheard at least part of their
conversation.
"Good
morning, Father," she murmured, stopping in front of him, now feeling a
bit lost.
�Good
morning lass,� the priest said with a kind smile. �I�m offering a sympathetic
ear should you want to talk.�
"I
was inside the confessional," she said as they went to sit at the back
pew. "I was waiting for the
priest...for you, I suppose. And my
husband decided to have a little fun with me and learned someone he wasn't
ready to hear, and that I wasn't ready to tell."
�Would
you like to come into my office? I can offer you a cup of tea if you like. It
will help calm your nerves. Or I can hear your confession?�
"The
only think I want to confess at the moment is wanting
to hurt my husband." She sighed and rubbed a hand over her face.
"Yes. I think some tea would be wonderful."
He
nodded with an understanding smile and led the way back to his office. As he
moved to make the tea he softly instructed her to begin talking about whatever
she wanted to talk about. �It�s not wrong to be angry with your husband� I�m
sorry. I did not get your name. I am Father O�Malley.�
"Aida."
She bowed her head. "He doesn't want a child. I didn't mean to get
pregnant. I wanted to...I wanted to be able to compose my mind before telling
him. Because this isn't a good time for us to get pregnant.
I know that. And I never wanted to force a child on him when he doesn't want
one."
�I
see,� he mused, handing her a cup of tea before taking one himself and sitting
down in the chair beside her. �Why doesn�t he want a child? Have you asked him
about it?�
"He
grew up in an abusive family, and he...he has a genetic disease that he's
afraid of passing on."
�I
understand. And do you want the child, Aida?�
"It
seems a little late for that." She laughed sadly. "Yes. One day, when
my husband was ready, I was prepared to have a child."
�I�m
afraid there isn�t much counsel I can give to you, Aida. I�m sorry.� He set
down his teacup on the small table in front of them and clasped his hands
together and looked at her directly. �I suggest talking this over with your
husband. He might be made to accept the child into your life together. Do not
give up hope. And if he doesn�t, I will help you find good parents for the
child.�
Was
that all she had to hope for? Convincing Sands that they could be good parents
or giving her child up forever? "He's not going to want to talk to me
anytime soon. Our argument was rather...intense."
�You
will work it out in time, Aida. You�ll see. You have nine months for him to
come to terms with your position or for you to come to terms with his. And
every couple has their arguments. It will work itself out. You just need to put
your strength in the Lord and remember how much you love your husband.�
Aida
left the church some time later, no more reassured or clear minded than she�d
been when she�d entered it.
***
Sands
didn�t go back to their rented home right away. He couldn�t. He�d end up
tearing the place apart and that seemed a little premature seeing as they�d
only been there for a few weeks. Instead he took his angry and frustration out
on his driving, narrowly missing several cars as he sped along the too narrow lanes
at high speeds. Why didn�t she fucking
tell me? Was she even going to tell me? Sure she said we would talk tonight,
but did she have any intention of telling me at all? This is all her fucking
fault! She knew I didn�t want a fucking kid and got herself
pregnant just to spite me. Bitch. Ok, he knew that he was probably
overreacting a little, but knowing that you�re doing something and being able
to stop yourself from doing that something are two different things entirely.
So he
drove on, trying desperately to clear his troubled mind. First he had been
shattered out of sleep but a gut-twisting nightmare that had left him pale and
shaking. He had been surprised when Aida hadn�t woken up to his likely scream,
but he didn�t stay to dwell on it. He had left the room and gone out into the
small backyard, needing to be alone in the night; needing time to clear his
thoughts and reassure himself that it was only a dream. He had sat hugging his
knees on the grass while Obsidian circled around him, offering what comfort the
now rather large cat could to his troubled master. Sands had noticed none of
it. And now this. Pregnant. She�s fucking pregnant. I go
from having no kids and wanting no kids at all to expecting a technical 3 in
the course of a little over a year. That�s fucked up. Fucked up� It�s all
fucked up. He turned home in silence as his anger was replaced by blank
acceptance and resignation. He didn�t have anywhere else to go.
***
Aida
stayed out until after dinner, simply taking the time to collect herself. She�d
gotten some dinner in a pub; a charming fellow redhead had paid for the meal,
saying that people of their coloring had to stick together. The thought of what
Sands would do if he�d been there hadn�t stopped her from accepting. He was the
center of enough of her worries without intruding on her light meal.
She
knew she was going to have to make peace somehow when she got home � the moment
she got home - and she wanted to be sure�wanted to plan her every line. Wanted to anticipate every
argument. Sands wasn�t going to want the child.
He didn�t want the child. There was no � fair - way she could talk him into
keeping the child. Aida realized that. So if the best she could do was carry
the child to term and then give it up for adoption� If only she could hope that
Sands would agree to even that much.
When
she walked in their front door, she was armed. Not only with
words, but with a grocery sack full of ice cream, root beer, and cherries.
He might not feel like celebrating � she certainly didn�t � but Sands wasn�t
going to deny her her comfort food.
Sands
for his part didn�t hear her come in. He didn�t look up when she entered,
didn�t offer to help with the groceries, he didn�t notice her presence at all.
Just
to open the conversation, she put all her things away except for the bag of
cherries. Bringing those into the living
room, she sat across the table from him, tore a stem off a cherry, popped it in
her mouth, then reproduced it. She'd managed to tie it
in a knot.
Sands
didn�t look up. Sands couldn�t look up. Sands had gone, leaving Sheldon in his
place. Sheldon didn�t like to look at Miss Aida anymore. Everything was her
fault. He wished he had never met her. She lied to him. She had said she cared.
No one cared. No one loved him. Mother had, and he had killed Mother. He had
killed Father. He had killed so many people. He had killed Great Aunt Prudence
who had always been nice to him. He had played with her dogs when she came to
visit. He had liked her dogs. He had liked her. And now she was dead. They were
all dead. You killed them all. You�re a
bad little boy. You know what they do to bad little boys, don�t you? He
shook his head, willing the voice to go on. The
monsters get them. They eat them right up, you know. They gobble on their
little toes and snack on their little fingers. They chew on their noses and
slurp out their eyes. �No. That�s not going to happen to me. I�ve been
good,� he insisted, tilting his head to the side to hear the voices� response. No you haven�t. You killed them. Good little
boys don�t kill their parents. Little boys who kill their parents get eaten by
the monster. �Then I�ll just have to kill it too,� Sheldon rationalized
with a dazed smile, going back to his colouring.
He
had very nearly used up all the reds and oranges in drawing page after page of
illustrations of the fire and his parents rose garden. He had attempted to draw
a simple portrait of his mother, but he had crossed it out furiously in black
crayon forcefully enough to tear the paper. He hadn�t even bothered to draw
Father, not wanting to see his penetrating gaze ever again, even if it was just
on paper. He hated his father. He hated his mother. �I�m glad they�re dead. I�m
glad I did it. They never loved me. No one ever loved me. They all lied. Maybe
I should kill them all. I could do it, you know. I know how.� He set down the
crayon he had been using to detail a rose petal and grabbed Sands� lighter from
the coffee table, flipping it open and staring at the flame. Shadows played
across his face as he watched it. �It would be easy. We�ve done it before and
now we�re bigger. Do they have roses here? I like roses. Do you like roses,
Saturninus?� The rabbit stared up at him with a seemingly pitiful frown on its
face. It had a noose made from one of Sands� shoelaces tied tightly around its
neck. Sheldon had attempted to put the toy out of its misery, but he hadn�t
been able to go through with it. �Don�t worry. I�ll try again. You�ll see.�
Aida
sighed when she realized all her preparations had been for naught. "Hello,
Sheldon."
�I�m
not talking to you. Am I, Saturninus? No, I�m not.�
"Why
aren't you talking to me, Sheldon?"
�Because you�re mean. And you lie. And I hate you.�
"How
was I mean to you, Sheldon? And if I lied, I certainly
didn't mean to."
�I
don�t want to talk to you. Leave me alone,� he grumbled, hugging Saturninus
tighter and grabbing up his crayon again.
Aida
laughed weakly and started to pound her head against the table. Not hard enough
to hurt, but she was so frustrated.
"You're mad at me. Quentin's mad at me. Sands is furious with me. Jeffrey isn't going to
be happy with me. Wow. I think I've managed to alienate everyone I know."
�There�s
the other one. The not nice one. The
one who yells at me. And Quentin�s not mad. He�s sad,� Sheldon murmured.
"What
other one? And yes, I suppose Quentin would be sad. He's always sad."
�Her.
Miss Salida,� Sheldon muttered. �I don�t like her either. But at least she
doesn�t lie.�
"I
never lied to you, Sheldon."
�Yes
you have!� he yelled, throwing down his crayon in anger but not getting up.
�You never loved me. You pity me. You only talked to me because of Sands. You
want Sands to be more like me. That�s the only reason you ever talk to any of
us.�
"Sheldon,
that's not why I talk to you. Yes, it's true that I
understand Sands better because I talk to you...sometimes...but if I didn't
talk to any of you, I'd be alone almost all the time. You're all the only
friends I have."
�You�re
not my friend. I don�t have any friends.� You
have me. The voice within Sheldon�s thoughts whispered softly. He thought
it might have been Saturninus� voice.
"I'm
sorry for that, Sheldon."
�I
don�t believe you.�
"That's
your right. I won't force you to defend yourself. Or even to talk to me
anymore. Goodnight, Sheldon." Aida
wearily got up and left the room, leaving the cherries on the table like a
peace offering.
He
only murmured a soft �Good night, Miss Aida,� back only because it was polite.
He ignored the cherries. He wasn�t hungry.
***
A
rough hand on her shoulder woke Aida up. Glancing at her bedside clock she saw
it was about two in the morning. Only after she'd confirmed the time did she
look up.
"Who
are you now?" she asked tiredly.
�I
thought we were going to talk,� Sands growled bitterly. He hadn�t even bothered
to turn on any lights. �You made such a big deal of us talking things out after
dinner and then you didn�t even bother to try.�
"I
didn't feel like fighting with Sheldon. I' m sorry if that upsets you."
�Oh I
just bet you fucking are,� Sands growled, beginning to pace the length of the
room. �You didn�t care. I waited for you. You didn�t come home. You didn�t even
fucking call. When I wasn�t feeling like strangling you I was certain that
something had happened to you.� Images of last night�s nightmare flashed up
before his eyes and he tried to banish them with a shake of his head. �You
didn�t care.�
All
her earlier arguments had been based on coming home to find him waiting for
her. Now her sleep muffled mind couldn't even bring a single argument to mind.
"Just
do it," she murmured.
�Just
do what?�
"Just
accuse me. Throw everything you've got at me. Rant and rave,
and smash things."
�Do
you have any fucking idea what that did to me? We had a fight and then you
didn�t fucking come home. I didn�t even know if you were here or not until now.
Why did you do that?� He wanted to yell at her for worrying him after he was
already out of his head with worry from the nightmare, but he hadn�t had a
chance to tell her about the nightmare so he supposed it was a moot point.
"I
needed to think."
�Yeah
well I fucking didn�t! I didn�t need to sit here wondering where the fuck you
were, avoiding Salida because I knew that she would ask and that I didn�t have
answers. I didn�t know where my own fucking wife was.� He rounded on her for a
moment, but stopped suddenly a few feet from her side. �You know what? Fucking
forget about it. I hope you enjoyed your time alone to think. Go back to sleep.�
"No."
�Fine. Then don�t go back to sleep. I don�t care.� He turned
to leave. He knew he certainly wasn�t going to be getting any sleep tonight.
But then again, he had known that since he had woken up from the nightmare this
morning.
"I love you. Please don't go."
�Why not?� He stopped but he didn�t
turn to look at her.
"That
I love you isn't enough of a reason?"
Her voice sounded weary.
He
turned to look at her, squinting through the darkness. �You love me,� he
murmured with a nod. �And yet you did what you did to me yesterday anyway. How
is that different from me leaving right now?�
"Fine,"
she whispered. "Then go. If I deserve it, don't hesitate."
�I didn�t deserve it. I know I shouldn�t
have done that to you yesterday, but I wasn�t trying to fucking upset you Aida.
I was trying to have a little fun with you in an otherwise fucked up morning,�
he muttered.
"Then
why didn't you stop? Why didn't you call a stop to the whole charade? Didn't
you realize that I was about to talk about something I wasn't ready to discuss
with you? Didn't you consider that perhaps I had a good reason for that? Didn't
you trust me when I said that we would talk about it later?"
�I
didn�t know your reasons, Aida. I just wanted to know what was wrong. If I
couldn�t help myself I just wanted to help you. I�thought I trusted you but I
guess I didn�t. It seems as if I was right not to,� he muttered bitterly.
"What
does that mean?" There was no heat, no accusation...no heart...in her voice. Just
resignation.
�It
doesn�t matter. I trust you. I just wish you would have called or something
last night,� he murmured.
"I'm
sorry. I was afraid of getting into an argument over the phone. I at least
wanted to be face to face with you. I owe you that much."
�I
would have rather gotten into an argument over the phone and known that at
least you were safe than have to through that after�after last night,� he
murmured under his breath.
"Last
night?" she asked softly.
He
shook his head. He didn�t want to talk about it. �Nevermind.�
"Alright." She lay back down on the bed. "We
won't talk about anything until you're ready."
He
nodded. �Fine. And if I don�t think I�ll ever be
ready?�
She
closed her eyes. "Then we won't speak of it and when the time comes, I'll
place the child up for adoption." Her heart contracted painfully at the
words, but it would be a worse pain to force an unwanted child on him.
�You
want to keep the child.� It wasn�t a question.
"I
don't want to force a child on you.
And I won't get an abortion. That
leaves me with precious few choices."
�And
I get no say in this matter whatsoever, I take it? Whatever you decide is best
for the both of us? Well I suppose that�s fair,� he said dryly.
"I
thought giving the baby away would be the only option you would consider after
abortion."
�I am
not going to have one of my children killed no matter whether I want it or
not.�
Aida
visibly relaxed, though she didn't say anything.
�You
want this child, don�t you? You�ve always wanted a child.�
"Are
you not listening to me? If you don't want this baby, I won't keep it. You'd
resent me and it if I did. And after how you were raised, I know you don't want
to do that to an innocent. I might deserve it, but this child doesn't."
�I
don�t want it. I�ve never wanted a child. But then again, that doesn�t matter
anymore now does it? Why should you be denied a child when Salida isn�t?�
"Because
I think that in time you'll change your mind. And that's when I'll be ready to
have a child with you."
�And
what if somehow this is the only child you can ever have?�
"Then
as a wise man told me, it's the will of God."
Sands
snorted. �Knowing my luck you�ll probably end up having quadruplets,� he
muttered.
Aida
was silent for a long time, but she finally had to say something. "I
didn't get pregnant on purpose. I have more respect for your feelings than to
hope that if I could get pregnant, you'd roll over and let me have my
way."
�I
know. And I wasn�t exactly careful,� he murmured.
"If
I hadn't missed a few pills over the past couple of months, you wouldn't have
needed to be careful. That is the point of birth control."
�If I hadn�t been uprooting you from place to place on a
whim you might not have forgotten such things,� he murmured.
"I managed to take all my other medications," she
whispered.
�Well then I�ll be thankful for that and try not to worry
about what can�t be undone,� he muttered.
"Are you... Are you going to come to bed?" Aida's
voice was bland, as if she didn't really care if he did or not. In reality, she
was scared of his answer. What if he... What if she disgusted him?
He had been about to say no, that he wouldn�t be able to
sleep anyway, but then he took the utter emotionlessness of her voice and
reconsidered. �Give me a minute to use the bathroom and I�ll be there.�
"Oh. Okay."
He didn�t bother nodding since he figured she wouldn�t be
able to see the gesture anyway and padded into the bathroom, unbuttoning his
shirt as he went. He had woken up on the couch before coming to wake her up,
having not remembered falling asleep. He would have to ask Aida later what had
happened because he wasn�t entirely sure himself.
He returned to her minutes later, trying not to seem
reluctant. He didn�t want to sleep, he didn�t need to sleep, he was still
somewhat upset with her, and yet he wasn�t going to deny her this. He realised
that sometimes sacrifices had to be made. Anger had to be pushed aside and
forgotten about. That was just the way things were. �Goodnight, Aida,� he said
softly, finding her face in the dark and giving her a gentle kiss on the lips
to try and show her that he truly wasn�t upset with her.
She clung to him once he initiated the contact, all her
rioting and tangled emotions coming out in a torrent of soft sobs.
Sands blinked at the sudden reaction, surprised when he
probably shouldn�t have been. He shook himself out of the surprise quickly and
held her in his arms, whispering soothing nonsense in her ear as she wept. He
congratulated himself on that. Once he wouldn�t have known what to do; he would
have done anything to make her stop crying and not necessarily the right thing.
Now he just knew that sometimes there simply wasn�t much he could do but to let
her cry herself out and offer what comfort he could as she did so.
When she stopped some minutes later, she didn't move away
from him. Muffled by his chest, her damp voice asked, "It's not really
mine, is it? If I have to give it away."
He kept his silence for a minute, trying to think of how he
should answer that. �The child will be from us, Aida. It will be made from our
love for one another. It will always be yours.�
"Don't tell me that," she said harshly.
"Don't. It's going to be hard enough giving it up as it is."
�Alright,� he murmured, saying nothing else. He wasn�t going
to tell her that she might be able to keep the child-that he might accept
it-because he didn�t want to give her false hope. He couldn�t do that to her.
Aida
didn't say or ask anything else, although her mind never stopped whirling. In a
moment of...she didn't know what it had been a moment of, but Sands'
oh-so-reasonable comment that she should be able took the child just because
Salida got to wouldn't leave her alone.
There
wouldn't be any of that...joy...for her. No thinking about names. No planning a
nursery. No wonder. No reward. It wasn't fair.
�I�m�I�m
sorry I feel the way I do about children,� Sands murmured after a long moment
of silence. �I�m sorry I can be more like Jeffrey who wants to see his children
so much he�s a step away from asking sunrise to hurry it along.� He started up
at the ceiling, trying to collect his thoughts. �I don�t want any child to go
through what I went through, Aida. Do you understand? It�s not that I don�t
like children or that I think you�ll be a bad mother, you�ll be an excellent
mother and I�ve never really been bothered by children.� He took a breath. �I
don�t want to be hated.�
"I
understand," she whispered. "I know how you feel about your own
family only all too well. If I didn't understand you, I'd start my campaign to
make you accept this child. I would have started it the moment I got
suspicious. But I do understand, and
for that reason there will be no campaign."
�Do
you think it�s unfair that Salida should be allowed and even encouraged to have
children while you are not?� It was a selfish question; one he probably
shouldn�t have asked, but it was out before he could stop to think about it.
"No.
It would only be unfair if you were the one encouraging her."
�But?�
he prompted, hearing her hanging hesitation.
"But
how are we to all live in the same house now?"
�What
do you mean?�
"How...how
am I supposed to see her joy when I'm denied that same emotion?"
�Oh.
I understand.� There was no easy answer to that one. �You�re not,� he murmured.
He was effectively backed into a corner and he didn�t like it.
"And
how are we to do that?" she asked softly. "Don't listen to me right
now. I'm tired and depressed. I'm sure that things will be fine if given enough
time. Don't worry."
It
was far, far too late for that. He took the out she had given him however,
instead of arguing the point further. �Alright. Get
some sleep, Aida. We�ll talk about this more tomorrow.�
She
didn't think a day would pass in the next months that they wouldn't talk about
it. But she acknowledged his words with a nod, then
turned so that her back was pressed against his chest. Despite her unease, she
quickly fell asleep.
Sands�
hand traveled over her sleeping form lightly, continuing to comfort her as best
he could while she slept. He admitted to himself that he was mildly curious
about having a son or daughter with her, but that was it. He truly did not want
the burden of ruining someone�s life forever when they depended on you for
everything. He would not become his
father. He would blow the back of his head off before that happened. They
couldn�t have this child. He couldn�t. It hurt him to think of how his stance
was affecting Aida, but she would come to terms with it in time. They would
have each other. Who else did they need?
***
�Ok,
I�ve fucking had enough. Either tell me what you�re
brooding about or get over it because honestly, I�m tired of your fucking
whingeing,� Jeffrey muttered aloud, throwing down the paper he had been trying
to read with a scowl.
Sands
hesitated, not knowing how to say it; or even if he wanted to say it. Aida was napping and this was his chance to talk
to someone about it without her interference-even if that someone was only
Jeffrey-so he supposed he�d better take it. �Aida�s pregnant.�
Jeffrey
shook his head as if not believing what he was hearing. �She�s what?�
�She�s
pregnant,� Sands repeated again slowly.
�But
I thought� You fucking hate kids,� Jeffrey pointed out with a confused frown.
�I thought you two were keeping the tiger leashed and all that.�
�Keeping the tiger leashed?� Sands
repeated incredulously.
�Oh
you know what I fucking meant. Contraception. Birth control. Condoms. The lot. And now you tell me she�s fucking knocked up?�
�I
didn�t exactly plan on it myself,� Sands muttered.
�It
is going to get fucking crowded in here,� Jeffrey murmured before freezing at
the thought that if his son had lived they would have had just as many kids in
the house. �What are you going to do about it?�
�I
don�t know,� Sands muttered. �Aida wants it.�
�Well
of course she fucking wants it. She�s the mothering type. She�s probably the
one who dreamt of popping out six kids when she was still a teenager.�
�Don�t
even joke about that. You�ll jinx me and Aida will end up having septuplets or
something,� Sands muttered.
�So
you�re keeping the kid then?� Jeffrey prompted.
�Oh I
don�t fucking know. I don�t want kids. I never have. I don�t understand your
fascination with them. Any kids we might have are going to turn out just like
us. You know that, don�t you?� Sands didn�t wait for an answer. �Of course you
know. And yet you want the kids anyway. Don�t you worry that they�re going to
hate you?�
�Every
kid hates their parents at one point or another. I�ve read it�s fairly common
among teenagers,� Jeffrey muttered dryly.
�Hates
them enough to burn them alive in their own house?� Sands muttered, leaning
back into the couch.
�You
were a special case,� Jeffrey half mocked. �Do you honestly think that somehow
your kid will grow up just like you? Last time I checked-and don�t tell her I
said this-Aida�s nothing like your bitch of a mother. She wouldn�t let that
happen.�
Sands wasn�t convinced.
�You�re
keeping the kid. You just don�t know it yet,� Jeffrey announced, picking up his
paper again and effectively ending the conversation.
"Of
course we're keeping the kids," Salida commented as she came into the
room. In the weeks since they'd left the US, she'd recovered rapidly. At times
she fancied that her gut was growing in proportion to her health, but she
usually dismissed it.
�Oh I
don�t disagree, vixen. But I wasn�t talking about us. I was talking about Sands
and kitty,� Jeffrey murmured, putting down his yet unread paper once more.
�Apparently kitty�s gotten herself knocked up.�
�I
wish you wouldn�t say it like that,� Sands muttered.
�What?
Knocked up? What would you rather I say? Expectant? With child? Cooking a bun in the oven?� Jeffrey taunted.
Sands didn�t answer.
Salida's
eyes narrowed and she tensed. "What? Was she jealous or something?"
Sands
shook his head. �No, I don�t think so. She knew I didn�t want it.�
�Of
course she was jealous, vixen,� Jeffrey countered. �What woman wouldn�t be
jealous of you?�
Aida
heard the conversation in the next room and closed her eyes as pain welled up
in her. She'd just woken up. Too restless and lonely to stay in bed, she'd gone
looking for her husband. Now she wished she hadn't. Especially as the silence
that followed Jeffrey's remark became damning in its length
Sands
shook his head. He didn�t want to talk about this with them. He shouldn�t have
been so glib to remark about Aida�s state to Jeffrey. He shouldn�t have said
anything at all. It wasn�t their business. �I�m going to check in on spitfire,�
he murmured, as if challenging them to say otherwise.
Let
it never be said that Jeffrey didn�t like taking up challenges. �You�re just
leaving because you don�t like the topic of conversation any longer. Well
you�re the one who brought it up. You�re the one who wanted to talk about it.
Not me.�
�Well
I don�t want to anymore,� Sands muttered, rising from the couch.
�I�ll
bet you a thousand dollars you keep the kid,� Jeffrey taunted.
Sands
ignored him and set off to find Aida.
He
didn't have to go far, and her eyes told him that she'd heard Jeffrey's parting
quip. She shook her head and turned on her heel.
Sands
sighed deeply and leaned against the open door of their bedroom, staring up at
the ceiling. �I shouldn�t have told them about it until I had talked with you
first. I am sorry, Aida.�
"I
don't care what you told them," she said in that emotionless voice she'd
used the night before. "But I won't let anyone place bets," she spat the word out as if it were poison, "on
this child."
�I
wouldn�t do that,� Sands said with a frown. �I would never do that. I�m not so
callous that I would bet on the fate of my child, Aida.�
"Then
tell Jeffrey to keep his mouth shut."
�I
will,� he said with a nod. And he would.
Aida
nodded and hugged herself.
He
didn�t know if he should move to her side or not but he couldn�t help himself.
He loved her. He didn�t like seeing her so distressed.
Aida
leaned back against him and closed her eyes. If there were things she needed to
say, she didn't know how to say them. If there were things that Sands wanted to
say, then she supposed that he'd do it, and she would listen.
Sands
just held her close, resting his chin lightly on the top of her head. �I do not
want to give you false hope, but I am willing to discuss keeping the child
further.� Not his child, not her child, but the
child. �I am willing to listen to reason.�
"I
have no reasons other than I already love it. But you knew that already."
�I
know it but I don�t understand it. How can you love it already? It�s just a
bundle of cells right now. How can you love that?�
"It's
not a bundle of cells," she said softly. "It's a child, designed by
the hand of God, invested with a soul, and who will one day be capable of
feeling ever emotion known to humans. Right now it is completely helpless,
totally dependent on me. How can I not love it?"
His
brow lined at the thought of it. How was it so easy for her to love a child who
didn�t even exist yet when his own parents couldn�t bring themselves to love
their flesh and blood son? He pushed the thought away, not letting himself
dwell on such things. �You do realise that like sunrise�s children, there�s a
good chance the child could turn out every bit like me, don�t you?� Granted,
the chances were cut in half since she wasn�t like Salida or him, but there was
a chance nonetheless.
"Yes,"
she whispered.
�And
still you would love it. Even when it came to you delighting in the new friends
it had made that only he or she could see and hear, even when it decided to
discover the meaning of life and death itself by toying with the neighbourhood
pets?� He had never told her about that. He had never told her that the
teachers knew better than to let young brooding Sheldon take care of any of the
school pets. They had learned their lessons well.
�Still
you would love them?�
"My
heart would break for them, just as it breaks for you, but they would be my
child." Her heart hurt. "My
love would be unconditional."
�I
don�t believe in unconditional love,� he murmured under his breath.
"Oh."
She pulled away from him. "Then I understand." He didn't trust her to
take care of any child of theirs.
�Then
you understand what?� he asked with a frown as she pulled away from him.
"It's
more than you don't want children. You don't want children with me.�
�What
do you mean? Who else would I want children with if not you?� Sands asked
incredulously.
"Someone
you could trust to always love your children. But you don't believe in
unconditional love. So therefore, no woman would ever be up to the task."
She shivered. "Have I really loved
you that poorly?"
His
frown only deepened. Now he was getting confused. �You love me when I�m good to
you. When I love you in return,� he half asked, unsure if this was the right
answer or not. He thought it was, but she was looking at him as if he�d said
the wrong thing again.
Aida
covered her eyes with her hands. "Is that what I've taught you about
love?" she asked weakly. Just the thought that it was
made her sick.
What
had he done? What had he said that was incorrect? That was how it worked,
wasn�t it? That was how his parents had done it. They rewarded him when he did
what they wanted. Aida loved him in much the same way. Didn�t she? She couldn�t
love him all the time. Not when he was off his head and ranting, not when he
was cursing and yelling at her, not when he was whispering to voices and seeing
things that weren�t there. Love didn�t work that way. Nothing could work that
way. Nothing lasts forever, not even love.
"I'm
sorry," she whispered. "We'll give the child up for adoption. If we
ever decide to have a child, it'll be after I've fixed my mistakes."
�What
mistakes have you made? You haven�t made any mistakes Aida.� He was the one who
made mistakes. Not her.
"If
I haven't shown you unconditional love, if you don't believe it exists, then I
most certainly have."
He
shook his head. �I don�t know what unconditional love is, Aida,� he murmured.
�I�ve never known. There�s always been a price. Always.
Except for Aloysius,� he murmured distantly. He had been given Aloysius. He
hadn�t had to do anything to receive him but grow older. The price hadn�t come
until later but that was different. And he had loved that rabbit with his whole
heart. Was that what unconditional love was? Loving something or someone
despite everything?
"What is my love, then?" she asked softly,
dreading the answer. "What price have you paid?"
He shook his head. �It�s in the past, Aida. And you wouldn�t
want to hear about it anyway.�
"Tell me. Please."
Sands� voice grew distant, but he answered her question. �I
was to do what I was told when I was told. If I did what they wanted, I was
rewarded. If I didn�t, I was punished. It�s as simple as that. I was their
trained heir,� he said bitterly. �But not nearly as much as they�d hoped.�
That he'd misunderstood her question gave her a tiny bit of
hope. "And me? What have I taught you is the cost
of my love?"
�My love.�
"What do you mean?"
�My love is the cost for yours. But I don�t mind paying it.
I do love you.�
Aida lowered her hands and looked helplessly at him. "I
would love you even if you didn't love me," she whispered. "I
wouldn't be able to stay with you, but I would love you."
He shook his head slowly. �I don�t understand that. Loving
someone in return I can understand. But loving someone just for the sake of
loving them?�
"Not just for the sake of loving them. Loving them so
much that your heart can't do - can't comprehend doing - anything else."
He thought he might be beginning to understand. �You mean,
when I say that I will love you forever no matter what happens to either of us,
that�s unconditional love?�
"Do you love me despite my appearance? Despite my inability to understand you fully? Despite the fact that my
family betrayed us? Despite what happened between Quentin and I? Despite the fact that I got pregnant
against your wishes?"
He thought about it, knowing that she�d want him to be sure
of his answer before he gave it. �Yes. I love you still. And I know I always
will.�
"And I love you despite that I can't stand parts of
your past. Despite the fact that every time you kill, it's my heart that
bleeds. Despite the fact that we'll never see eye to eye on some issues and
that I'll never be able to be fully comfortable with you unless I change every
part of who I am. But if I did that, maybe I wouldn't be able to love you
anymore."
�And that�s unconditional love,� he tried to make it a
statement.
"Yes."
�I understand,� he said slowly. He was fairly sure it wasn�t
a lie. �And that�s how you can love our child already.�
"Yes. That's how I love it already."
�And that�s why you want to keep it. Because you don�t want
to give up a child you would love forever.�
"No. I don't."
He nodded and sighed. �I�m not saying I agree; that I am
willing to accept this child into our life together, but I understand how you
feel now. At least, I hope I do.�
Aida nodded and turned back to her window. She supposed that
this was the best she could ever hope for.
�You shouldn�t have to compromise yourself for me in
everything you do, Aida,� he murmured, sitting down on the bed and staring at
the closed door. �It�s unfair of me to ask you to.�
"I'm not compromising myself," she muttered, her
voice thick. "I'm a firm believer in adoption."
�Even when it comes to your own child?�
For a long time she didn't answer. And when she did, her
voice was dead. "It's better to give it up than to keep it and let it live
without knowing it's father's love."
�You think I�m unable to show love to a child? To our child?� His voice was nearly as dead as hers was.
"You don't want a child. Even if it
is ours. That being the case, I can't help but feel that even if you
were on your best behavior, some of that would leak through. I won't let you
resent either of us."
�I don�t resent you, Aida,� he murmured. �I know how much
you want a child.� He hesitated. �I don�t know what I want anymore.�
"I'm sorry. I know how...unpleasant...confusion can
be."
He shook his head. �It doesn�t matter. Not your fault. I�m
used to it anyway.�
"It's not my fault." A slight laugh gusted out of
her. "Wouldn't you like to blame me, though?"
�Why would I want that, Aida?�
"You trusted me to take care of the birth control
issue."
He shook his head. �That�s as much my fault as it is yours.�
"I blame
myself."
�But I don�t,
spitfire.�
She didn't respond. Sands had a sudden surge of hate for the
window that had her attention so firmly captured.
�If you don�t want to talk, just say so. Don�t stand there
staring out the window like it�s your only purpose left in life,� he muttered.
"What purpose is left to me? I have no friends here.
Trying to find an acting troupe to take me on right now is a pipe dream. I have
hobbies, but nothing I'd want to do all day long. I can't start making plans
for the future." For
the baby. "I don't have a purpose anymore."
�And that�s my fault,� he murmured. He knew it was. He had
always known that something like this would happen, that she would be caught up
in the wayside like he was. Floating through existence
without a home or purpose because nothing was permanent. When you were
an insane homicidal, schizophrenic sociopath, the only thing permanent were the
padded walls of the cell they put you in or your death lying on a table with a
needle in your arm. That was permanence. This wasn�t.
"No it's not your fault. You've given me every
opportunity to leave."
�No I haven�t. Not really. Every time you might have had a
chance, I�ve manipulated you into staying. It�s what I�m good at,� he muttered.
"Does it count as manipulation if I was aware of what
you were doing?"
He shrugged.
"I don't want you to feel guilt on my behalf."
�Don�t worry about it. We agreed that I wouldn�t feel guilty
for any of the decisions you�ve made.�
"Of course. Silly me to think that perhaps that didn't matter."
He gave a wincing frown, closing his eyes at her tone but
not looking at her. �I don�t feel guilty, Aida. I�m just sorry.�
She nodded. "Fine."
He sighed softly. �Fine,� he agreed, not knowing what else
to say. This whole thing was a big fucking mess. She was right about one thing
though; he did wish he could blame her, if only a little. But he didn�t. Not
really. He couldn�t believe she would be so underhanded as to turn the tables
and manipulate him into getting her pregnant. No, he couldn�t believe that at
all.
Aida sighed. "I guess I should go start dinner."
�Do you need me to go and get anything?� he asked, wanting
to get out of the house for a little while but ok with staying if she didn�t
want him to go.
"I suppose that depends on what you want for
dinner."
�It doesn�t matter to me, Aida. You and sunrise are supposed
to be the ones with all the strange cravings for god only knows what. You two
can decide.�
She shook her head. "Fine."
�Fine,� he responded. �I�ll be outside if you need
anything,� he murmured. He just wanted to get out of the house for awhile. If
that meant just sitting out back staring at the sunset, then so be it.
"Alright." She turned around and looked at him. "I
do love you," she told him softly.
Admits all this strife, she wanted him to be certain of that.
�I know,� he said with a small smile that was almost
natural. �I love you too, Aida.� Once he had said that he looked at her for a
moment longer before walking out to their small back yard and lighting a
cigarette, content in his solitude.
Aida
was peeling potatoes. She'd made a ham for dinner, and she wanted mashed
potatoes with it. But for some reason they didn't have a vegetable peeler, and
peeling the tubers with a knife was taking her forever.
Quentin crept in, his head practically bursting with
new-found knowledge. Aida�s pregnant? My
goddess is going to have a child? A child that could be no
less beautiful than its mother? Quentin was certain it had to be
his. And Sands wouldn�t want it even it wasn�t, what did it matter? Quentin
wanted it. �Aida? Is it�Is it true?� he asked her softly, not wanting to
startle her.
"Is what true?" she asked tiredly. "And who am I talking to?"
�Are you pregnant? And it�s me, Aida. Quentin,� he said with
a small bow.
She
fought back the urge to laugh hysterically. "Of course it's true. Or at
least I'm relatively certain that it is. I still need to see a doctor to make
sure. Perhaps I'm just suffering from my chemo still." But she was almost
a hundred percent certain that she wasn't.
�And�and you�re going to keep it, right? You�re going to
keep our�your child?�
"No," she said tersely. "I'm not going to keep my
child."
�What? Why not?� Quentin asked with
wide confused eyes. �Don�t you want it? I thought�I thought you would want it,
Aida. I�m sorry if I assumed incorrectly.�
"Your assumption was just fine," she said tightly.
"But I'm not the only one who'll be affected by the child's birth."
�Sands is forcing you to give the
child up? He-he can�t do that.�
"He's
not forcing me to do anything. I took my husband's feelings into consideration
and decided that giving the child up for adoption is the best option for all of
us."
�You�re lying to yourself then. You want that child, Aida.
Of course you do. You�re letting him steal away your happiness. You can�t let
him do that to you. It�s not right. I don�t care if you�re married to him or
not. You can�t let him force away your child.�
"I never said I didn't want it," she said
fiercely. "But I think I have a better understanding of the situation than
you do. Maybe I simply don't want it to have to grow up in this fucked up
household."
Quentin drew back as if she had struck him. �You would
really rather it be raised by strangers? You would willfully allow it to never
know its mother�s love? How can you do that? How can you just give your child
away? I don�t understand that,� he muttered, shaking his head.
"I won't let its heart be broken by living in this
house. Not while murder is a subject to be talked about over dinner. Not while
we're always on the run. Not when it might get caught in the crossfire."
�So you�d rather just throw it to the wolves, is that it?
You�d rather foist it off on some well-meaning strangers that could be every
bit as sick as Jeffrey on bad day. You�d rather leave its fate to chance rather
than choice.� He sounded disgusted with her. Something that coming from a man
who was utterly devoted to her in every other way was somehow more hurtful than
it should have been.
"You have no right to judge me," she said softly.
�If I don�t, who will?�
"What makes you think I need to be judged?"
�You�re willfully giving up your child to strangers!�
"Strangers that will be checked out
thoroughly beforehand. Strangers that will love it. Keep it safe. I can't even guarantee that. Do
you know how much that tears me up?"
�Nothing in this life holds guarantees, Aida. I thought you
would have figured that out by now.�
"Every child should be safe," she said slowly.
"And in this house, it wouldn't be able to trust its own father. For the
first few years of its life, it wouldn't even be able to tell when its father
is present from when Jeffrey is here. Or Sheldon. Or you. Or someone even worse."
�And yet Salida is giving her children a chance. Why can�t
you do the same? Especially considering that you want this child more than she
ever did hers.�
"Because if I give myself a chance," she said
patiently, "then not only would I be unable to ever give it up, but
someone else would have a chance to kill it."
Quentin shook his head with a deep frown. �Do you honestly
think that any of us could let anything happen to any of the children? I don�t
care if they�re yours or Salida�s, each of us would do anything and everything
to protect them. Even Sands.�
"And
if someone like bastard takes control? My child could be dead before anyone
could do a thing. What kind of mother would I be to expose my child - my flesh
and my blood - to such risk? And on a daily basis."
�That won�t happen. Between Sands, Jeffrey and I we�re
strong enough to keep the others at bay. You know this. And not of all of them
would try and hurt you or your children, Aida,� he murmured softly.
"I
don't know it. You can't promise it. Sands can't promise it. And I won't put my child in a situation that I
can avoid by giving it up."
�So that�s it, then? You�re just going to give up? Saying
�oh well I guess it�s all I can do. Sure my child will grow up never knowing me
but that�s fine because I�m unwilling to hold onto the optimism I�ve tried to
instill in everyone else?� Fine. I guess it�s not up
to me. Do whatever you think is best,� he muttered.
She threw down her potato. "Why are you doing this to
me? Why are you hurting me like this?"
�I don�t want to hurt you, Aida. I have never wanted that.
But I don�t want you to give up this child. I don�t want to see you fall bitter
and withdrawn into yourself as you watch your child being taken from your arms.
I couldn�t bear that. I don�t know how Sands could,� he murmured.
"You don't get to voice an opinion. The child isn't
yours. And it's not your place to condemn me."
�You don�t know it�s not mine,� he murmured, not meeting her
eyes.
She swallowed. Hard. The
possibility hadn't even occurred to her. As the blood drained from her face,
she wished it hadn't.
�I don�t hold out hope that it�s mine, Aida,� he hastened to
reassure her when he saw her reaction. �It probably isn�t anyway.�
"Bite your tongue," she whispered. The very last
thing she wanted was for Sands to hear �
It was far too late for that. Quentin�s thoughts were Sands�
thoughts for a brief moment and he knew everything. �Let me get something
straight, you son of a bitch. This child is not
yours. It never has been yours. It never will be yours.�
Quentin dared a look at Aida and saw just how close to
passing out she seemed and hastened to assuage Sands, lest he start a fight.
�It�s not mine. I agree with you, Sands. It�s yours and Aida�s. Not mine.�
�Don�t you dare patronize me, you bastard,� Sands hissed
coldly. �I promise you this. One day I will end
you.�
�Of that I have no doubt,� Quentin answered with a sad look
cast in Aida�s direction. �I should go. I�ve caused enough trouble already,� he
murmured. �Goodbye, Aida. Sands, as always, it�s been a pleasure.� The sneer
didn�t have as much weight as it might have had under different circumstances,
but it was enough for Sands� eyes to go steely and a vein to begin throbbing in
the middle of his forehead.
Aida
didn't notice when Quentin left, or when Sands turned around to look at her
with eyes still filled with rage at the other man. Her entire focus was trapped
on that horrible moment she'd realized that the man she'd just made love with
hadn't been her husband. She couldn't remember
if that was near any of the times she had forgotten a pill. She prayed it
wasn't.
�Is what he said true? Is the baby his?� Sands asked, all
anger and rage he felt towards Quentin seeming to vanish. Aida knew it hadn�t
really gone however. It had been replaced by the icy emotionlessness that was
somehow so much worse than fiery anger.
"I don't know," she whispered, still in shock. "Oh god. I don't know!"
�Well if it is his, then I guess it�s not my place to say
what you do with it.� There should have been bitterness in his voice, but there
was only ice.
"Sands," she whispered, looking up at him with
tortured eyes.
He shook his head. �I�m sorry. That was unfair. This isn�t
your fault. None of it is. It�s his.�
"No.
Not his," she whimpered, unaware that he was no longer speaking of the
baby. "It' can't be."
�It�s not, Aida. It�s yours.�
"I'm not the Virgin Mary. There had to be a second
person involved."
�It�s not him. It can�t be. You said it yourself.�
"I can't be sure."
�Yes you can. In your heart, you know. You always have. It�s
why you didn�t even consider him when I found out.�
"I need...I need to see a doctor," she whispered.
"I need to make sure this is all for real."
Sands nodded his head slowly. �I�ll take you tomorrow if
that�s what you want.�
She nodded back. "Yes. Tomorrow.
After all...maybe I'm not really..."
�Maybe not,� he murmured in return. He doubted it though.
"It would solve so many problems if I
weren't." But she already loved the
child. Even if it didn't exist.
�And create new ones,� he murmured under his breath.
"How would it create new ones?" She sat at the table and cradled her head in
her hands.
He shook his head. �Nevermind, Aida. Did you need any help
with dinner?�
"I need you to talk to me."
�I am talking to you, Aida,� he said as he took a seat at
the table next to her.
"Why would my not being pregnant cause problems?"
�You want this child. You want to be pregnant. I don�t think
that if you suddenly find out that you�re not, that�s all going to change.�
"I
want a child, yes. But Sands, I have enough common sense to know that now is not a good time to have one. I want some
degree of certainty before having a child with you. I don't want to be five months pregnant and
moving halfway around the globe."
�I
don�t know if I can give you certainties, Aida. It�s not always up to me,� he
murmured, staring down at the table.
"I
understand that. However, maybe - probably - I am pregnant."
�I
know, Aida. I also know that we can�t move around as much anymore anyway
because of sunrise.�
"As
chipper as she's been for the past month, I can't tell that she particularly
cares."
�She
may not. But Jeffrey does,� Sands muttered.
"Well,
that's no different than usual. Just goes to show that things haven't changed that much."
�Things
have changed though, Aida,� he
whispered, casting his gaze out through the large kitchen windows. The twilight
had rolled in, and if he tilted his head he could just see the edge of the
stars coming out to embrace the black.
She
swallowed. "I think the roast is done. I need to heat up some
vegetables."
He
nodded, not looking away from the stars. He had changed. He had considered,
just for a second, what having a son or daughter would be like. It wasn�t an
entirely unpleasant thought, but it hadn�t last. Such thoughts never did. He
was too damaged, too volatile to raise a child. He didn�t understand why
Jeffrey felt differently. Maybe because
he didn�t have to deal with my fucking parents, he thought to himself
bitterly. The thought rang true. Jeffrey carried around no such stigma about
becoming a father. About becoming his father. Jeffrey didn�t have that fear because he had
never had the pleasure of knowing
Anthony Sands. Lucky
fucking bastard.
Aida
watched him as he thought, and saw some of what he was thinking on his face. He
was scared.
"What
are you afraid of?" she asked softly.
He
didn�t look at her, but it was clear he heard from the way he stiffened in his
seat. �Becoming like him,� he said
after a long silence.
"Your
father?" she asked softly, since she assumed he didn't mean Jeffrey.
�Yes,�
Sands hissed between gritted teeth. Admitting such things to her was hard. Even
after all they had been through together.
"I
wouldn't let you, you know. Don't think for a moment that if we decided to keep
the child, that I wouldn't fight tooth and nail to
make sure you were the best father possible."
He
didn�t take much comfort in that. He knew she meant every word, and he didn�t
want to doubt the strength of her convictions, but he couldn�t help it. Blood
ran deep. Love compared, but he wasn�t sure if it could ever fully win over.
Did nature beat out nurture in the end? He wasn�t sure. And that�s why he
couldn�t bring himself to believe her.
She
patted his hand then got up to get their dinner out of the over before it
burned.
�I�ll
go get Salida if you�re finished,� he murmured, needing to get up and wander
for a bit-even if it was only to the other room-to clear his head.
"Yes.
You can get Salida." Aida slid a batch of homemade biscuits off a cookie
sheet and into a bread basket.
He
nodded and rose fluidly from his place at the table. Although an air of fear
and loathing hung around him, he was still as graceful and deadly silent as he
moved as always. �I�ll be right back, Aida.�
She
nodded her acknowledgement, but didn't look up from her meal preparations.
He
moved throughout the house searching for Salida. He found her in her and
Jeffrey�s bathroom, brushing out her long hair in front of the mirror. �Dinner
is ready, sunrise,� Sands announced, not bothering to knock or clear his throat
to make her aware of his presence because she could clearly see him in the
mirror in front of her.
"I
thought I smelled something," she commented. "Have I mentioned how
your wife has always been a homemaker?"
�Whatever.
Come and eat or not. I don�t care,� he muttered, turning to leave.
"She'd
make a good mother."
�I
know,� he murmured over his shoulder. He had always known that.
Salida
shrugged. "Fine then." She got up and
followed him to dinner.
***
Sands wasn�t entirely sure how it had happened. One minute
they had been distant and sullen with one another, still at an impasse about
Aida�s newly realised motherhood, and the next they were practically tearing
each other�s clothes off in the middle of the room in their haste to fall into
each other�s passion. It was as quick as that. It was as if they had both
experienced something far beyond a mood swing-a mood revolution would be more
accurate-at exactly the same moment. And neither of them cared to stop and
consider why.
All
it had taken was for Aida to throw a single glance at her husband, and all of a
sudden her feelings of guilt, uncertainty, and responsibility had exploded. She
wasn't ready for motherhood. She wanted to escape the future for a few stolen
minutes as a wife. A desired
wife.
Straight from the start Sands held nothing back. He
unleashed every thought and feeling upon her, kissing her hungrily one minute,
and forcing her head back to kiss and bite at her neck the next. He wanted to
devour her whole. He wanted to feel her struggling for breath beneath him like
a bird under glass. He wanted to hear her moan in pure sensation. He wanted her.
She obliged him. Within a few agonizing minutes, she was
thrashing under him, only attempting to get free so she could make him do what
she wanted him to. But he was still stronger than her, and had no qualms about
keeping her under his control.
He could feel what she was doing-how she was struggling to
take control-and it only made him want her more. He pushed her backwards onto
the bed and quickly divulged her of whatever scraps of clothing his eager hands
hadn�t yet gotten to. He took a full moment to appreciate the sight of her
naked and panting beneath him before kissing her again hard.
She bit at him, drawing blood. He groaned into her mouth;
she replied in kind. It was hard not to when his hands were roaming everywhere, spreading fire over every
inch of skin they touched.
With eyes fogged with all-consuming lust and passion, Sands
drank in the sight of her, having only broken off the bruising kiss so that she
could get his t-shirt up off over his head. He removed his belt himself, taking
time to safely place his holstered gun on the floor and his knives at the foot
of the bed. Just in case they wanted them later. Once that was done he returned
his attention back to his exquisite goddess of a wife, breathing in her skin
before he tasted her.
His kiss was slow. Drugging.
And yet it ruthlessly wrapped a net around every single one of her senses. It
was passionate in its thoroughness. In the pressure that forced her mouth wide;
in the angle that allowed him to penetrate as deeply as he wished. In its
blatant mockery of intercourse it was the hottest kiss she�d ever experienced.
Sands took great satisfaction in perpetuating the charade of
what they both wanted, but it was no substitute for the real thing. He knew
this but he wasn�t entirely sure he cared at the moment. He only wanted to kiss
her. That was his only motivation. It didn�t last long however. As he explored
the contours of her mouth as deeply as he could as slowly as he could, he could
feel the warmth of her naked flesh next to his and the fabric of his pants
began to rub harshly against his sensitive skin as she began to writhe beneath
him.
"Please," she murmured against his lips.
"Please, I'm ready." Her hands reached for the waist of his pants.
"I need to feel you. I want you to love me."
He quickly moved his hands to hers, needing to remove his
pants for himself. �Don�t. You do that and this will be over before either of
us want it to be,� he warned hoarsely. His control was
as ragged as his breathing was and he didn�t think he�d be able to last if he
felt her hands on his throbbing flesh.
Once his pants and boxers were thrown somewhere across the
room he moved atop of her, careful not to accidentally slice himself in the
foot with the knife he had carelessly left at the foot of the bed. He took her
without further ceremony.
Her hips bucked up and her legs locked around his
hips. It was nearly torture to feel him so deeply inside her, kept unmoving by
nothing more than her own stubborn persistence. He'd been right to stop her
earlier - she didn't want this to be over before it began. She wanted to make
this last as long as she could.
"Patience," she whispered raggedly for the benefit
of them both.
He nodded. �I�m trying,� he murmured, allowing himself to
fully focus on the feeling of her body�s hot grip around his. God there was
nothing like it in the world. Nothing compared to great sex. And this was
beyond great sex. This was all-out fucking amazing
sex and the fun was just beginning.
"Remem-ber that first
n-night," she panted softly. "Re-member trying to br-reak that...that record?"
He nodded. Of course he did. �Should I be flattered that you
think so highly of my control and the limit of my patience?� His control was
regained however. At least, enough of it was so that he could answer her
questions with some degree of coherency.
"You've never let me down before," she whispered,
slowly opening her eyes to look at him. The emotion in her gaze was pure lust
and adoration.
�And I don�t plan to now,� he vowed, meeting her gaze with
like desire.
The words struck her heart, even though she suspected that
they were meant to be rather shallow. Surely he couldn't mean more than he'd
never let her down in bed.
�Ever again,� he continued, feeling the need to clarify
himself further. The solemnity of the moment was soon past
however as his lust-charged body quickly reasserted itself over the whims of
the heart. �How�how do you want to go about this?� It would probably be
easier for her to be on top, controlling the limit of his thrusts, but he
wasn�t entirely convinced he wanted to give up the dominant position yet.
"Give me your knife," she whispered,
a promise in her eyes.
He didn�t even hesitate. He nudged the sharp blade forward
with his foot to where he could reach it without moving too far away from her
and placed it in her hand. The sight of his naked wife with a piece of equally
naked steel in her small feminine hand never ceased to arouse him. Especially
when taken with the look of pure wicked intent in her eyes.
Very carefully, she took his right hand in her left.
Equally as carefully, she pressed the blade against his unprotected skin until
it just parted. Then she repeated the
procedure on her left hand before entwining their fingers and pressing their
palms together.
The pain was sharp and warm on the sensitive skin of his
hand, especially when the cut she had made were stretched against her palm, and
oh how he loved it. �Oo that
stings,� his hissed. �Do your worst, spitfire,� he practically dared
her. �I know I will.�
"I love you," she whispered, more serious than he
was. "No matter what, I love you. I trust you to take care of me. To take care of all of
me. And I trust you with the future of our child. I'll accept whatever
you think is best." She squeezed his hand.
The small cut broke open under the pressure and a gasp
clawed its way out of his throat before he could properly answer her. �I love
you too, spitfire. And I will always take care of you. Come
what may.�
"All of me," she insisted. "My
heart as well as my body."
�All of you,� he agreed. He would never hurt again if he
could help it. If that meant learning how to be a father then so be it. He would do anything to make her happy, to keep her
heart whole. Forcing her to give up her child would be cleaving her heart in
two and he couldn�t do that to her. He shouldn�t have even considered it.
Aida sighed in contentment, unaware that she'd
managed to box her husband into a corner regarding their child.
Done with the knife, she set it out of the way before
lifting his hand to her mouth. Slowly she lapped away the blood that had
accumulated there, watching his reaction as she did so.
Sands was utterly transfixed on the sight of her tongue
lapping up his blood, fully considering that it was probably the most erotic
thing he had ever seen. His passion strained at the tight leash he had tied
around it, and he knew that he had to distance himself from this before he lost
himself entirely. �Aida, Aida, Aida,� he gasped raggedly. He couldn�t ask her
to stop because he genuinely didn�t want her to, but he knew he couldn�t hold
out under such wicked torments.
Aida brought her husband's hand to her cheek and
nuzzled it before offering her own up to him. Both cuts had been shallow; any
blood there was left from the minute or so that they'd bled. Now she watched
him, savoring the continuing feeling of fullness
that his stilled arousal was generating. Soon they would get to that bit. But not yet.
He took his time to clean her skin of every last drop
of the salty ambrosia before he moved his lips to hers, wanting to taste the
spice of his blood on her tongue as she would be able to taste her own on his.
He wanted more, he always did, but he contented himself with what she was
offering him. He needed nothing else.
She kissed him back for a long time before allowing
her legs to loosen their hold on him. Her feet slowly fell to the mattress, and
she gently flexed her hips. The movement was like a gentle nudge, but at the
same time, it was everything.
Sands moaned. He had become so used to the imposed
stillness that the feeling of her body moving around and beneath his was
unbelievably intense. �That was�unexpected,� he breathed.
Aida smiled and did it again, for no other reason than that
he had liked it. She wanted to make him happy.
�Ohhhh,� Sands moaned
inarticulately. If this was what it felt like when she barely moved against
him, he was surely going to go up in flames when she decided to take things
further.
"See how patience pays off?" his devil of a wife
murmured in his ear.
�You�re going to be the death of me. I always suspected,� he
groaned back a minute later when his mind had finally processed her comment.
"Love me," she whispered to him. "I'm
ready."
He didn�t have to be told twice. With her blessing he
gradually sped into a vicious, back-breaking pace, half wanting to see just how
far she could push him by going slow but unable to deny the demands of the
flesh any longer. He needed release. He needed the peace that only the heights
of passion and beyond could bring. He wanted to find that moment within her
arms.
Aida moaned softly against Sands� skin. He was so strong. He
overwhelmed her. She�d been overwhelmed since that first fiery kiss, but he
kept outdoing himself. And she probably would have told him if she could have
put together two coherent words. As it was, she just held him � all of him � tighter
and let him drive her mind out of reach.
Sands just drove on; bringing them both to such heights of
passion that he was certain he would see tongues of flame dancing over their
skin as they moved against each other. He found himself leaning into her
embrace even as he thrust into her, wanting to feel the full expanse of her
naked skin on his own. He was practically starved for her touch. If he could
have somehow made it so he could have completely enveloped himself inside of
her, he would have in a heartbeat. He simply wanted to touch and to be touched.
He wanted to breathe her in. He wanted everything and yet was willing to give
everything at the same time. He loved her, he needed her, he
couldn�t live without her.
Unless Aida was imagining things, the room was
getting hotter. If they'd been in a car, the windows would have fogged over
long before. The thought made her smile
and laugh weakly.
The motion caused by her laughter made her breasts
press more firmly against Sands' chest. Something about the way that their
bodies were brought so close threw her over the hidden edge of release.
She screamed softly.
The room was
getting hotter. Flames danced over Sands� eyes as sweat slicked their joined
bodies sealing their flesh together. They moved as one. They were one. As he breathed out, she
breathed in. He had never felt closer to her than this; never wanted to leave
her side again. She was his and he was hers. They would always be together, if
not in body and mind then in spirit. He felt an enormous weight that he hadn�t
even been entirely aware of fall off his shoulders as if it had never been
there. Peace filled him as he knew,
not considered, not guessed, but knew
that they would be together forever; that nothing could separate them now. This
newfound peace unleashed such a powerful and poignant release in him that he
felt as if the world had torn him in two. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.
Aida kissed her husband as she felt him come inside
of her. Her legs kept him trapped against her. She wouldn't be able to stand it
if he moved away from her yet.
Sands for his part never wanted to move again. He
held her tightly-a little too
tightly-and something in him that had been buckling under the pressure of his
sudden epiphany finally gave in and broke. She
won�t leave me. She won�t, she won�t. I�ll always have her and she�ll always
have me. The thought was near desperate although not for the usual reasons.
He was no longer afraid of losing her. That fear had passed unmourned
from him forever. He would not miss it. No, what made him so desperate was his
all-consuming love for her. He loved her so much he thought he might burst if
she didn�t know it. He had to make her understand. �I love you, Aida,� he said
in a trembling voice, each word stressed. �I love you as I have never loved
anyone else. I love you.�
The fingers of her right hand tangled in his hair.
Aida wasn't sure how to reply to him, how to reassure him that she believed
him. That she already knew that he did. So she just held him, softly kissing
his face, letting that tenderness express what she couldn't put into words.
Sands felt her pull away suddenly, and she looked at
him with a curious expression on her face. He had been about to ask what was
wrong when she moved a hand to cheek and then pulled it away. Her fingertips
were wet with tears. His tears. He hadn�t noticed them
then but he could feel them now; hot rivulets running down his cheeks as if
they were the strain of doubt flowing out of him. He truly was at peace. For
perhaps the first time in his life he was without worry or fear. The moment
would pass, he knew that, but for now that didn�t matter. Nothing did. He had
not a care in the world but her happiness. �I love you,� he said again softly.
"Yes," she murmured, accepting everything
that those three words encompassed.
Her gentle hands brushed his tears away in a
cherishing manner. He was thankful for that. She wasn't making him feel
self-conscious.
Aida smiled at him - a smile inspired by the
unconditional love she'd spoken of earlier. Love that made her adore him more
now than she ever had before. His tears were precious to her.
Sands knew and understood this, and for some reason
didn�t feel the stigma he might once have at his tears. They didn�t matter. If
they were precious to her then they would be hers. He could deny her nothing
right now. If she asked him to never harm another person in his life, psychosis
be damned, then he would do so without hesitation or
regret. He loved her enough to give her the world.
And she was intelligent enough not to ask for the
world.
Yawning slightly, Aida tucked her head into her husband's
neck. "I love you," she murmured, her voice a bit rough.
�I love you too, Aida. Very much.
This was�special to me. Thank you.�
"It was special for us both, though I'm not sure
what you're thanking me for. I think it
would have taken an act of God to stop us tonight."
He laughed and nodded, envisioning the path of
destruction they had left behind to get to this point. He wasn�t entirely sure
who had initiated the contact-it had probably been him-but they truly had been
unstoppable. If they hadn�t made it to the bedroom in time enough to suit him,
he probably would have taken her in the living room with Salida there to play
the part of voyeur. He had been delighted and aroused by the fact that if such
a thing had been necessary, Aida would have let him.
She almost said something about being glad for this chance
to forget everything for a bit, but that would have brought all their troubles
back to mind, and she didn't want to think about them yet.
She might not have said anything, but that didn�t mean that
such thoughts weren�t on his mind. In truth, they hadn�t really left but had
merely been pushed aside. Impending fatherhood wasn�t something one forgot
about lightly, even in the midst of great sex. He didn�t say anything either
though, for much the same reasons as why she didn�t. The mood was something
pure and fragile. One wrong move and it would shatter, not to be regained. He
wasn�t ready to give it up.
"Let's go to sleep," she murmured against his
skin. "And any time one or the other of us wakes, we'll wake the other
with soft, passionate love. And then we'll sleep late tomorrow and find a small
cafe to have breakfast at. Just the two of us."
�I knew there was a reason I married you,� he said lightly,
his eyes having already drifted shut. �You have all the best ideas.�
"A wise wife," she reminded him, shifting slightly
against him. He was heavy on top of her, but it was a pleasant weight.
�And a very dangerous sexual predator,� he said with a
smile.
"I'm well matched in that respect."
�I try,� he murmured with a grin that was sleepy and
content.
"You do more than try," she replied, kissing his
cheekbone. "You exhaust me."
�And you�re going to give me a big head.�
"Not yet. I'm too sleepy."
�Figure of speech,� he murmured. �Glad to see your thoughts
are in the right place though.�
"Mmm..."
Sands just smiled and let her sleep, completely content to
do the same.
***
The phone rang.
It was a rainy day. Aida and Sands had been sitting
at the table, doing a puzzle. It'd been Aida's suggestion that they finally
make some use of the puzzles they'd bought in the States. Somehow they'd made
it to Ireland with them, and it was perfect weather to do them.
They'd been somewhat content - it'd been impossible
to be completely content this past week unless they were making love - but the
sound of the ringing phone shattered all that. Just as it had
that day so long ago. The one that'd been from Aida's
doctor as well.
�Do you want me to get it, Aida?� Sands asked,
wanting to spare her from further stress if he could.
She nodded. Half of her was ashamed of being so
terrified, but she couldn't defeat that fear either.
He got up from the table and their puzzle, silently
hoping he wasn�t leaving their contentment behind as well. �Sands,� he answered
upon picking up the phone.

"Mr. Sands? This is Dr. Koble's office. We have
your wife's test results. Her blood tests confirm that she's in perfect
health."
�And her child?� Sands
asked, sounding relieved.
The person on the other end of the line sounded very
uncomfortable as they cleared their throat.
�What?� Sands asked, his voice taking on the
characteristics of broken glass. This was one of the reasons he hated all
doctors and people of medical professions. Even in a foreign fucking country
they tried to jerk you around.
"I'm sorry, but there's no evidence that Mrs. Sands is
pregnant." The man paused. "Most likely the stress of moving, combined
with your wife's weight loss prevented her from menstruating, and caused the
other symptoms that usually indicate pregnancy."
�Say again?� Sands asked, certain
he must have misunderstood.
Aida watched her husband, a concerned wrinkle
appearing on her forehead. He sounded...he sounded as if he were shock.
Something was wrong. Not the cancer
again...
"Mrs. Sands is not pregnant according to our
tests," the doctor went on, unaware of the drama playing out in his
patient's household.
�Oh. Thank you.� He hung up the phone and just stood, not
looking at anything in particular and not coming back to his wife�s side at the
table either. He simply�stood.
"Sands?" Oh god,
it was the cancer. It'd come back.
And she couldn't go through with radiation and chemo without killing her child.
It was too much. She had to get up and move to him.
She had to hear the words from his mouth.
�You�re not�� he trailed off with a frown. Why was this so
hard to say? It was as if a weight had pressed against his tongue making speech
impossible. In theory he should feel relieved that she wasn�t pregnant. That
was what he had wanted, wasn�t it?
"Just tell me," she whispered as she
clutched his arms. "Just tell me that the cancer has come back."
�No cancer,� he murmured with a shake of his head. �It�s
gone. You�re in perfect health.� His throat closed up and he had to force the
words out through an unwilling mouth. �You�re not pregnant.�
Aida blinked several times, absorbing that, then her knees buckled under her.
He caught her and held her tightly, wrapping his arms around
her and silently offering her what strength he could. Somehow they had made it
back to their seats at the table, but he still held onto her as if she were
falling.
"I-I'm not...?"
She looked at him with painfully bewildered eyes. "There's no baby?"
Oh god he wished he had some other truth to tell her. He
didn�t want to see the hurt in her eyes as he tore her hopes and dreams apart.
�There�s no baby. The doctor said�he said.�
She laughed. And she laughed. And the laughter soon turned
hysterical, and then it turned to harsh sobs as she curled around herself, loss
echoing through her.
He just held her, not saying a word; not knowing what to
say. He didn�t feel sorrow like she did, but he didn�t feel relief either. He
felt hollow. It was as if some great truth had just been reveled to be lies all
along. He felt betrayed.
Aida collected herself relatively quickly. "This is good,"
she whispered, trying to convince herself. "We
weren't ready for a child. We weren't. I wasn't. And now...and now we don't
need to worry." Her throat constricted the words, but she forced them out
anyway.
�You don�t have to do that, Aida. You don�t have to force
yourself to accept this. Or rationalise it either. You wanted that child. You
were ready for that child.�
"No I wasn't. If you weren't ready, then I wasn't ready
either."
�I�� he cut himself off with a frown. He had been about to
argue that he had been ready, but was that truth or just reflex in an attempt
to make her feel better? He didn�t know.
"You weren't. I know that." She swallowed hard and
concentrated of calming herself.
"Now we can decide if we ever want children or not. Not...not
now." Not after she'd lost the
possibility of this one. "But down the road."
�Alright.� It was easier to agree
with her than to attempt to figure out just want he was feeling right now. It
was probably the coward�s way out, but he didn�t care.
"I..." She looked at him, tears threatening again.
"But I was...I loved it."
�Shh. I know you did, Aida. I know
you did.� He held her close again. �You�ll have the chance again. And you will
be a wonderful mother.�
She shivered against him, swallowing her newest round of
tears.
�Aida, look at me,� he instructed gently as he pulled away
from her. �You will have that chance again. I promise you.�
"Don't," she whispered. "Don't. You don't owe
me a child. I don't need one to be happy."
�I know you don�t, Aida. That�s not why I promised.�
"I don't want you to promise me that."
�Why not?� He had thought that the
promise that they would have a child together one day would bring her a measure
of comfort.
"Because you generally keep your promises whether you
want to or not." It was the or not part that made her deny him.
�And if I want to? What then, Aida?�
She froze. Then swallowed again.
And finally she said - albeit weakly -"But you don't want children."
�I don�t know what I want anymore, Aida. I thought I did.
But then how can I explain how I felt when the doctor told me that you weren�t
pregnant? I felt regret, Aida. And it wasn�t all for you.�
She wouldn't meet his eyes. What he was saying... Her heart
didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to go through this hell again.
�Aida, look at me,� he said softly. �When I thought�when I
thought you were pregnant, at first I was upset and terrified. You know why I�m
against having children. You know my reasons. But then I thought about it. I
haven�t stopped thinking about it. What would having a child with you be like?
Would they have your laugh or your smile? Would they have your passion for
acting? Would they�would they turn out like me. I was plagued with these and
more questions until I realised it was more than simple curiosity driving them.
I really wanted to know, Aida. I wanted to see the look on your face as your
child is placed in your arms for the first time. I wanted to see that joy that
I know you�ve been trying to hide these past days. I wanted to give life to
this world for a change,� he murmured.
"But would you love them?" she asked plaintively.
"A mother's love isn't enough for a child. They need a father too."
�I�I think I would,� he said after a long silence. �How
could I not love something that we had created with our love?� he frowned at
thinking it was as easy as that. You loved your child. It was a simple truth. And yet� And yet it was not always a realised one.
"If you...if you truly wanted a child," she
whispered, finally looking up at him, "I would be honored to give you one.
But not yet. Truly, I'm not ready. I need time
to...grieve...if that makes any sense at all."
He nodded. �It makes perfect sense, Aida. And I�m not ready
yet either. I just�I wanted to tell you that I could be.� He hoped he wasn�t
lying to her.
She nodded, and softly kissed his cheek. "I need...I
just need to think right now. I don't want you to go away, but I need
quiet."
�Anything,� he assured her before falling into silence.
Aida was so still and so quiet for such a long period of
time, that Sands thought she'd gone to sleep. When she made no protest when he
shifted her so he could carry her to bed, that only firmed his belief.
Sands sighed as he carried her into their bedroom, wondering
how they were going to deal with all of this. If the doctors thought all of
this was brought on by stress, then what in the hell would the added stress of all this do to her
now? He told himself that he didn�t want to think about it; that he�d deal with
that when the time came. He knew he would. That was what he did.
He laid her down on the bed gently, trying not to wake her.
He wasn�t tired himself but he didn�t want to leave her side so he took a seat
in a chair next to the bed and settled back to watch her sleep.
She turned her head to look at him as he took his
seat. A faint smile came to her face as he froze halfway between sitting and
standing.
"I wasn't asleep," she murmured.
�Oh,� he murmured, standing back up to look at her. �Then
you�re either getting good at playing possum or I wasn�t paying enough
attention to you to notice.� He felt the need to apologise if that were the
case, but he held his tongue.
"I just...needed to be close to...someone. To you."
He nodded. �I understand. And I don�t mind, spitfire. You
need but ask and I�ll give you whatever you need.� He moved to take a seat on
the bed next to her.
The strength of her gaze pulled him lower until he
was so close that she could slip a hand behind his neck. She pulled herself up
and met his lips.
It was an awkward kiss. Sands' lips met his teeth
with mild pain before she backed off enough to be doing more than simply
grinding her lips against his. But she needed him. She didn't want to be
alone... And so empty.
The life she had thought was inside her had been nothing more than a lie.
�Is this what you need, Aida?� he asked softly. He
understood what it felt like to need to feel a hollow inside of your chest, and
he knew that was what she was trying to do now. But he had to be sure.
She answered by going up on her knees and tilting his head back so she could control their
kiss.
Sands took this as a yes and let her kiss him,
responding to her in turn, but never trying to take control from her. If she
wanted him to, then she would ask and he would do so. Until then, he let her
have control over this as he knew she must be feeling out of control of her own
life. He understood that too. Only too well.
After several long minutes, Aida broke free and
looked down into his eyes. "I thought...I thought that there was something
alive in me. But there's
nothing." A mask fell down behind her eyes as she tried to hide the hurt
that truth caused.
�Yes there is, Aida. There is a promise. A promise of
a child you will one day have.�
"An empty promise."
Sands shook his head. �It was never empty, Aida. And
it isn�t now either. It�s filled with your love and joy. As long as you love,
as long as you feel joy, no matter what the cause, then there will never be
emptiness. Only promise.�
"I feel empty," she breathed, resting her
forehead against his and closing her eyes.
�Then let me help you. Let me fill you.� He meant
that in every way possible.
"It's not the same."
�Then tell me how to make it the same, Aida. Tell me
how to help you. I want to help you,� he said sadly. He couldn�t stand seeing
her like this; couldn�t stand her being in pain.
"You can't make it go away. I don't even know if
you can ease it." But she had to try. She couldn't keep feeling like this.
Her lips brushed over his.
He did respond, but not enough to take control of the kiss.
He merely kissed her back. She needed to do this for herself.
"No," Aida whispered, pushing away from
him. "I won't use you like this. It'd be wrong."
�Aida, it�s not using me. It�s me giving you want you
need. You can�t use me if I�m willing.�
"Yes it is. If I don't care about making
you...if I don't care about how you feel and only about what your body can do
for me -" Her hands started to tremble.
�Aida look at me. You�re not
using me. I want to do this for you. Do you understand? I want to give you some
semblance of peace and wholeness again if I can. That�s all I want.�
Aida took a moment to absorb his words, then she
groaned as if he'd hurt her even more. But she couldn't deny that she needed
him. Needed his body.
So before he could ask what was wrong, she was kissing him ferociously.
It took him a moment to regain his equilibrium from
her sudden shifting emotions, but Sands kissed her back, meeting her passion
equally. It was the only way he could think of to show her that she wasn�t
using him; that he wanted, no needed
this as surely as she did.
She accepted his reaction and participation as her
due. As something mechanical that had to happen in order for her to be aroused.
Her feelings hurt too much to become involved now, so she became distant. Chilly. Separate even as she forced Sands to lie back; even
though they soon would be as close as they could physically be.
This feels
wrong. While the thought came unbidden through his mind, it was perfectly
clear. She�s using you. Just like she
said she would. How does it feel to be used? He didn�t think he liked it. Not at all. You�ve
done this to her, you know. Do you think she liked it? No, he didn�t. He
felt�used; as if he was only worth what she could take from him. And she was
taking from him. And
giving nothing in return. Look
at her. This means nothing to her. She only wants your body. She doesn�t want you. He saw. He knew. �Aida maybe we shouldn�t�� And then she was
kissing him, moving her body over his, and feelings of worthless didn�t seem to
matter anymore.
But while she could continue heartlessly for awhile,
her own nature wouldn't let her go through with it. This was an act that
demanded trust and that required love. At least with this
man. She may have detached herself from others, but she couldn't from
him.
The walls came crashing down, and while she didn't
move away from him or stop kissing him, all her overwhelming emotions were now
pouring out of her and into him.
Sands accepted every last one, more than willing to
take them all into himself. What were a few emotions
to a man who normally had none? Unfortunately for him however, the closeness of
their lovemaking had always seemed to act as a kind of empathic link between
them. He often wondered if he truly was feeling what she was, but had never
asked. He felt her sorrow, felt her overwhelming sense of loss as if these
feelings were his own. Perhaps they were. He could no longer tell. �Oh Aida. I�m sorry. God, I�m so sorry,� he moaned as they
broke apart, utterly bereft for her. He would give her anything she wanted. It
didn�t matter anymore. She needed this and he gave it to her. He didn�t care if
she was using him or not. He only wanted what he imagined she must be feeling
to go away. He couldn�t stand her being in such pain. He just couldn�t.
"I hurt," she whimpered. "I'm sorry. I
didn't want you to know. But I do."
�Why didn�t you want me to know, Aida?�
"Because then I would have to know too."
He nodded. He understood. And he felt even more
worthless than he had before. �I�m sorry, Aida. I don�t want you to hurt but I
don�t know how to help.�
"You didn't. You didn't hurt me." Her
fingers petted his face with something near desperation. "You're keeping
me sane right now."

�Then you know how I feel most of the time,� he said with a small smile. �I
love you, Aida. I just�remember that. I love you. And I will always love you.�
"I shouldn't feel like this. I didn't really
lose anything."
�Yes you did. You lost a child. It doesn�t matter if
it was never there. It was real to you, Aida. And you lost it.�
She took his hand and laid it over her breast,
pressing so close that he could feel her heartbeat. "I'm breaking
inside."
He felt her heartbeat echo through his fingertips,
frowning at how quick and agitated it seemed. �Then hold onto me, Aida. Let me
help keep you together. Please.�
Her head nodded, and her arms encircled him as she
crouched over his body. Her legs were to either side of his hips and she was
pressed tightly against him wherever she could be, but the embrace wasn't
exactly sexual. There was that element to it, of course, but there was also an
element similar to what made sailors cling to driftwood. Pure
need for survival.
Sands simply held her, telling himself
that if that was what she needed-all she needed-then that was what he would
give her. The way she was pressed against him wasn�t exactly comfortable in the
purest sense of the word, but that didn�t matter either. He loved her and he
would do anything for her right now. If she wanted his love, it was hers. If he
wanted his strength, he�d give it to her in a heartbeat. If she wanted sex�well
he was always ready in some way or another to give that to her. Whatever she needed and more. If she asked him to slit his
wrists to make her feel better right now, he�d hesitate, but he would do it.
Nothing could test the strength of his devotion for her. Sometimes he knew it
bordered on obsession, this was one of those times, but knowing such a thing
and doing something to change it were very different.
Aida eventually fell asleep like that, her hands
fisted in his shirt and hair as if to ensure that he couldn't leave her until
she woke.
Sands sighed and stared up at the ceiling with denied
needs of his own. It didn�t matter. He would be fine.
This wasn�t about him. It was about her. It was always about her. She needed
this more than he needed her right now. That was fine. He didn�t know if she
would ever be alright again, but he couldn�t do anything about that right now
but this. So he lay back on the bed unmoving, letting her soft breathing fill
his thoughts.
***
She didn�t know how much later it was when she woke
again. Sands was asleep under her, so that probably
meant they�d been lying here for awhile, and the room was totally dark. It�d
been late afternoon when they�d come in here.
Something about the darkness got to her though. It�it
worked itself into her bloodstream. It coiled around her brain until being
alone was the last thing she could stand.
�Sands?� she whispered/whimpered. Her voice wasn�t
loud enough to reach him through what was obviously a deep sleep. But he still
responded, or at least his body did. Perhaps it was just the weight of her body
on his, or perhaps the erection pressing into her abdomen that had never fully
disappeared. Whatever the reason for it, his arousal did anything but flag as
she raised herself slightly onto her elbows.
The buttons of his shirt practically flew apart at
the mere touch of his fingers � or maybe she was simply desperate � and his
pants unfastened at the same speed. Aida didn�t bother trying to get him
completely naked. He was so much dead weight at the moment. Her efforts at
nudity were focused on herself, and within moments she was able to press her
bare skin to his.
Wake up, wake
up, wake up, she thought impatiently as she fused her lips to his. Don�t leave me alone.
Jeffrey moaned into the kiss, thinking once again
that Salida should wake him up like this every day. It had been awhile since
they had shared this level of intimacy-he could clearly feel her naked body
pressing to his in a definitely pleasant way-in awhile and he had missed it. He
kissed her back passionately, leaving his eyes half closed because in all
honestly he was still half asleep. He wasn�t so out of it that he couldn�t
respond to his wife, it was just taking him a minute to come back to full
consciousness. Until then, it wasn�t as if he didn�t know how to respond to
her. Had he but known it was Aida he was kissing back�.
Aida used the other to reach between them. For a few
seconds she did nothing more than lightly caress his arousal, but that wasn't
enough for her, and she was unafraid of taking what she wanted. Rather she was afraid of not doing so. So she straddled him and sank down on him before any
sort of protest could be made.
Jeffrey moaned and let out a surprised curse as she
just took what she wanted with no real consideration beforehand. Not that he
really minded, however. If this was what she wanted, then he was in no position
to argue. Literally. He did want to watch her as she
rode him however, wanted to see her long hair flowing over her naked shoulders,
wanted to see her full breasts just begging to be
touched. When he finally opened his eyes however, he was met with quite a
shock.
�Kitty?! What the fuck?!� he
breathed, arching into her touch as she changed the angle of her hips before he
could stop himself. �Not Sands. Oh fuck�I�m not Sands�� he tried to gasp. He
wasn�t sure if she heard and understood or not.
Aida whimpered as his words sank into her brain, and
suddenly her own flesh repulsed her. Mainly because she had to fight her own
desire to move away from him. As a result, she didn't move away nearly fast
enough.
Consciousness was swift in coming, and in a faction
of a second Jeffrey�s horror laced with unwanted desire changed to Sands�
confusion and betrayal, still laced with the same unwanted desire. �Aida? What
are you doing?� Sands breathed. He wouldn�t have been able to sleep through
this. She wouldn�t have started this without making sure she was awake. Someone had been awake. She had betrayed
him again. �Get off of me,� he hissed. He didn�t care that he was practically
whimpering with need himself, all he wanted was to get away from her.
"Sands," she whispered, her hands clutching
at him.
He pulled out of her grasp and up off the bed with a
sneer. �Don�t touch me.� His eyes were cold to match the artic chill of his
voice as he redressed himself.
A sob escaped her and she had to reach for the
bedside lamp. This simply had to be the darkness. None of this had really
happened. It couldn't have.
The room was filled with harsh light.
The expression on Sands� face didn�t change, only
seemed to become more hateful as shadows twisted over his features. �Save your
tears. I don�t want them or need them.�
Aida looked up at him, face white with shock.
"Sands...I didn't...I mean...I wouldn't have
-"
�Be quiet,� Sands hissed, his voice never rising
above a hateful whisper. He was calm. Too calm. And
yet Aida could see in the way the muscles in his jaw leapt, in the way he was
closing his fists tight enough for his fingernails to bite into the flesh of
his palms, that he was clearly more upset than his even voice belied. �There is
nothing you can say. You�ve betrayed me again. Once I could forgive, but twice�
There is no forgiveness for you here.� He wanted to tell her to leave; wanted
to tell her that he never wanted to see her again, but he couldn�t bring
himself to do that. No matter what she did to him, no matter how she hurt him,
he couldn�t do that. So he did the only other option left to him. He turned on
a heel and walked out of the bedroom without another word.
The door slammed shut, breaking Aida out of her
paralysis. All the sobs that'd been dammed up in her throat came bursting out
as she buried her head in her pillow. She was glad she wasn't pregnant. He was a monster. She hated him.
Sands didn�t go far. In truth, he didn�t really know
where to go and he had left his shoes and car keys in the bedroom behind him
and there was no way in hell he was
going back in there. Not now, not ever. How
the fuck could she do this to me? He screamed
silently. He wanted to weep. None of it meant a damn thing. He had been nearly
broken in two over what had happened with Quentin, but now the pieces of his
heart were falling down around his feet. He didn�t hate her. He couldn�t hate
her. And he couldn�t stop loving her either. But he couldn�t be with her. She
couldn�t love him. No one could.
She had taken everything from him leaving nothing
left but a shell-a close approximation of the man he had once been and yet
somehow so much worse. He was empty. He felt nothing but loss. Loss unending like a gaping chasm in the place where his heart had
once been. It cried out for blood. His blood, anyone�s
blood. It was indiscriminate.
Sands sunk to the kitchen floor after knocking the
knife block to the floor. He grabbed the biggest, sharpest knife he could find
and held it to his wrist. What did it matter anymore? If he didn�t have her, he
didn�t have anything. Life wasn�t so enjoyable or worth it that he�d go on
without her. This was easier. Blood welled up as he pressed the tip of the
blade into his delicate flesh, but before he could slash downward to make the
first killing strike, his arm swung out, the knife clattering to the floor out
of a limp hand as his eyes rolled up in his head and his body lie convulsing on
the cold tile floor.
***
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More Than Darkness