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More Than Darkness	By : SaMe Category: M through R > Once Upon A Time In Mexico Views: 4591 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the movie that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 67
- 68
- 69
"Jeffrey?" Salida felt a bit guilty about waking
her husband up, but she needed someone to talk to. For some reason, she was
feeling very...disorganized. "Jeffrey?" She called his name a little
louder.
Jeffrey stirred but didn�t awaken. He hadn�t even fully intended
on falling asleep but his exhausted body had had other ideas.
"Jeffrey?" Salida reached down and plucked at his
sleeve. Her mind was clearer than it had been in a long time - confusion aside
- but her body ached.
Jeffrey startled awake at her touch and turned towards her,
his body ridged and preparing to fight off whoever was attacking him. He
relaxed a little-not much because his entire back and neck were stiff from
sleeping in the hard plastic chair-and blinked at her. �Vixen?
Is it you?�
"Yeah. I hurt."
�Hurt how? Is there something I can do for you?� he asked,
moving closer to her side despite the stiffness in his spine.
"I hurt all over."
Her bottom lip trembled.
"Did they stop giving me medication?"
�You were reacting�badly. They�re going to adjust it. Do you
want me to get one of the doctors?� he asked softly, already standing up to
find one because he couldn�t stand to see her in pain.
"I don't know. Do I want to see one?" A nagging
sensation in the back of her brain told her she might not want to.
Jeffrey hesitated. �But if you�re in pain��
"How bad was it?"
�Tess bad,� he murmured.
"Tess has varying degrees of bad," Salida muttered
once she'd absorbed this news.
�She thought she was being attacked. She wouldn�t let anyone
near her. Not even me.�
"Why would she let you near her?" she asked
bitterly. "If she can't stand herself, why would she be able to stand
anyone else?"
�It doesn�t matter,� he said with a sigh. �She�s gone now,
vixen.�
"I wish."
�So do I,� he mumbled.
"So...the drugs made her flip out?"
Jeffrey sighed. �In part. Salida,
they�re going to make you take a psych evaluation before they let you out of
here. The fucking doctors don�t believe that it wasn�t a suicide attempt and
won�t let you go home until they do.�
"They can't do anything but offer
recommendations," Salida whispered, disconcerted by this news. "You
have ultimate authority."
Jeffrey frowned. He had known this. Hadn�t he? He should
have known this. �Then I�ll take it. I�m not going to make you go through
anything like that if it�s up to me, vixen. I would never do that to you.�
She laughed dryly. "Oh, I don't think we can avoid the
psych evaluation, but they won't be able to keep me."
�Not even if Sands flashes his credentials around and tells
them that he�s more qualified than any hack shrink they bring in?� It was a
foolish hope, but he had to ask.
"It wouldn't be impartial. But they might let you sit
in."
Jeffrey just sighed again. �If that�s all that can be done
then that�s what I�ll do.�
"I wish none of this had happened," Salida
whispered miserably. "And it's all my
fault."
�Don�t,� Jeffrey pleaded softly. �It�s not all your fault.�
"Then whose fault is it? I certainly hope you're not
suggesting that I pin all of this on you. Because that would
be ludicrous."
Jeffrey looked away briefly and nodded. �Don�t go blaming yourself for all of it either, vixen,� he instructed firmly.
"You're right. Gravity deserves part of the
blame."
�I suppose,� Jeffrey said hesitantly, not liking that answer
at all. It was one thing for him to blame something on something as
inconsequential as gravity in a halfhearted attempt to rationalize his actions
to someone, but he didn�t like it being turned around on him.
"Oh, let us not forget height. That had a part in it
too." Somehow Salida was managing to sound bitter and cheerful at the same
time. It wasn't a pleasant sound.
�Please stop, Salida.�
"Stop what? Excusing myself? Being realistic?"
�I�don�t know. Stop blaming it on gravity and height and
acting like everything is ok. Forget it. It doesn�t matter. Blame it on the
phases of the moon if you want. I don�t care.�
"Phases of the moon?"
Salida asked incredulously. "That's rich. Yes, let's blame it on my
period."
Jeffrey frowned. �Blame it on whatever you like, Salida,� he
murmured, taking a seat in the chair again.
She frowned back and turned her face to the wall.
Jeffrey saw her reaction and sighed. �I�m sorry, vixen. I
just�I don�t like to hear you talk like that.�
She snorted, then moaned in pain,
all the while thinking, And he doesn't
think I've ever minded? He talks like this more than I do.
�Are you sure I can�t do anything for you?� he asked again,
not knowing what else to do.
"I'm fine." This was obviously a lie, but she
didn't care.
�No you�re not,� Jeffrey argued softly.
"Well if I'm not, then it's no one's fault but my own
and I should suffer in silence."
That was probably a leftover bit of Tessa, but Salida once again didn't
care.
�And if I don�t believe you should suffer at all?�
She didn't answer.
�I�m going to get the doctor. Why should you have to fucking
suffer when there�s no reason for it? It doesn�t make
any sense, Salida.�
"Do whatever. It's not as if I can stop you."
He sighed heavily and stayed where he was. �Why are you
doing this, vixen? Why do you think you need to suffer? Are you upset with me?
Is that why you�re doing it? Are you blaming yourself for what happened? It
wasn�t your fault, Salida.�
"Who says I think I need
to suffer? I am. I caused it. What I need to do is shut up and deal with it."
�And that�s it, then isn�t it? You�re not going to see this
any other way, are you? You�re convinced that since you caused this to happen
that you should pay the consequences. Is that it? Well fine. That�s your fucking
choice, apparently. And what of me? Should I be
suffering too for my part in this? It seems as if I�ve gotten off rather easy,
don�t you think?�
"You don't have a part," she muttered. "You
tried to stop me. You were the one thinking clearly."
�I�m the one who told you to go ahead and jump. A five-for-one deal. Is that what you�d
call thinking clearly?�
"You took it back. I didn't take anything back."
�I still said it, vixen. If I hadn�t said that, then you
might not have stepped out onto the ledge. You moved out there right after I
said that, you know.�
"And yet, I had plenty of opportunities to come back. I
didn't."
�You would have.�
"No," Salida said bleakly. "I wouldn't
have."
�I don�t believe that.�
"Just because you don't believe something doesn't make
it true," she said in that same bleak tone.
�And just because you do doesn�t make it true either,� he
argued. �You�re depressed and hurt, Salida. You�re inclined to believe the
worst right now. I�m not saying the truth isn�t fucking horrible, but I think
you�re making things out to be worse than they really are.�
"Oh, so I'm imagining things now. How
comforting."
�I didn�t say that.�
"Of course not. It makes sense
that I would be hearing things as well."
Jeffrey just couldn�t deal with this any longer. He couldn�t
be strong. He just couldn�t. �Fine,� he murmured, slouching dejectedly in the
chair. �If you�re so eager to blame yourself from everything, far be it from me
to stop you. Have fun. I know I will.�
�Liar.�
�Probably.�
Salida left things at that for the time being, most of her
concentration going to quelling her pain.
It wasn't until nearly an hour later when her brow was spotted with
sweat and her knuckles were white with her effort that Jeffrey said anything
again.
�Have you suffered enough yet or would you like me to call
someone in here to re-break one of your broken bones?�
If all he had to say was snide remarks, the she had nothing
to say to him. All the same, the nails of Salida's
right hand pieced her palm - one of the few uninjured places she'd had left -
and she whimpered.
His composure broke at her whimper. �For
god�s sake, Salida. Please let me go get the doctor.�
"Do whatever you want," she snapped. "I
should think it's more than obvious I can't do anything for myself." Pain
was more than evident in her voice, but she still refused to look away from the
wall.
Jeffrey wanted to stay and argue; wanted to stay until she
was convinced that things didn�t have to be this way, but he could no longer
sit idly by and watch her suffer. �I�m supposed to take care of you,� he
whispered as he stood up and went to find the doctor.
Dr. Brody came in - Jeffrey close on his heels - and started
fiddling with different tubes. "Your discomfort should ease soon," he
said as he stepped back and surveyed his work. "Now, the effects won't be
as strong as they were when you were on -"
"Leave," Salida hissed. "I really don't give
a damn."
Jeffrey�s composure cracked a little more at the doctor�s
back but his face was expressionless once more when the doctor turned to look
at him. �She�s fine,� he murmured before the doctor could ask about her.
Salida managed to wait until she heard the door shut before
she gave into the tears. She hurt. She felt an incredible amount of guilt. She
felt lonely. Jeffrey was mad at her. She'd killed one of her children. Better
she had died than one of her children.
�Please don�t cry, vixen,� he said moving to his place at
her side once more and gently taking her hand into his even if she probably
didn�t want him to. He didn�t care. He needed to hold her and this was as close
as he was going to be able to get for awhile. �It�s going to be alright.
Everything will be alright. You�ll see.�
"Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't I have died instead?"
Jeffrey�s heart leapt into his throat at her words and he
found it incredibly hard to talk around. �If�if you had died
Salida, if you had died I would have lost all of you. I�I can�t lose you
all.�
"I would have died if it had meant saving them
all."
�Don�t say that,� he demanded fiercely. �We�we could always
have more children. There�s only one of you, Salida. One.
Without you, there is no point. Without you I�m lost.�
"I would have died," she repeated. It'd probably be a more worthwhile use of my
time. For some reason, that thought
made her stop crying.
�Please don�t say that. I can�t lose you, vixen. I wouldn�t
survive it.�
She stayed silent for a moment longer before asking,
"Why are you down there?"
�What? What�do you mean?� he asked, utterly lost and
confused as to what she was asking about.
"I don't like being alone up here."
�I don�t want to hurt you, vixen.�
"I don't care. I'm going to hurt no matter what."
�If I join you there I don�t think I�ll be able to let go,�
he said distantly.
"Good. Don't want to be alone anymore."
�You�re never alone, vixen. You�ll always have me,� he
whispered, standing and situating himself as gently as
he could on the narrow bed, trying very hard not to jar any of her broken bones
or pull on any of the IVs in her arms. Once he had settled himself as best he
could, he wrapped an arm ever so gently around her middle and held her as if he
were afraid she were about to be taken from him forever if he let go. He buried
his face in her hair and didn�t realise that silent tears were running down his
cheeks until he felt their wetness pooling against his skin. �God I love you so
much Salida. So very much,� he said in a trembling voice.
"Why?" she asked, her own voice trembling.
"I'm an inadequate mother, a selfish woman, and more than half off my
rocker."
�You�re a hell of a strong woman, willing to give up your
life for your children, and saner than I am,� he replied softly.
"I've never seen you go jumping from third story
balconies."
�And I�ve never seen you try to kill me. Or go on murder
sprees for fun.�
"I tried to kill you. I've killed others."
�Not like I have.�
Whatever.
He frowned at her refusal to reply and went on. �I�ve never
seen you have to go into your own fucking mind to kill one of the others in there
because they got a little�rowdy.�
"That's Tessa's victory, not mine."
Jeffrey sighed. �Fine. I don�t want
to argue with you, vixen.�
Thank you.
�I just want to hold you,� he whispered into her hair,
breathing in her strong enticing scent that could not be beaten down by the
sickly medicinal smell of the hospital. �You smell good.�
"Well that's something," she muttered. She wasn't
mad at her husband anymore, but her gloominess wasn't going to be lifted by
such a simple thing as his closeness, and that realization made her even more
depressed.
Jeffrey for his part was hardly even hearing her. He was
just so relieved-not happy, he didn�t think he would be happy again for a long
fucking time if ever-that she was here in his arms and that she was his. In his
mind, if he was holding her that meant that no one and nothing could harm her.
In his arms, she was safe. If he had been holding her like he should have been
on the balcony none of this would have happened. If he had held her tight she
wouldn�t have fallen. She had slipped out of his fingers all the way down
because he had been holding her too loosely. He had let her go. He had let her
fall.
As neither one of them was saying anything, Salida
eventually dropped off into sleep.
Jeffrey let her sleep, gently running a hand over her hair
as he watched her. He would never let anything happen to her again. She would
be safe again. He would make sure of it.
***
�Good day, Mrs. Sands. I am Dr. Meadows. I am the primary
psychiatrist that will be administering your evaluation today,� a kindly looking middle aged gentlemen spoke up as he walked
into the room. He had salt and pepper hair, glasses and was about a foot
shorter than Jeffrey. He looked like a fucking Disney character or something.
�And I understand your husband is to be observing?� Jeffrey nodded. �May I ask
where you studied medicine?�
�Cornell,� Jeffrey said with a mild sneer.
�Should I be calling you Dr. Sands then?� Dr. Meadows asked
with a smile.
Jeffrey shrugged. �If you want. I�m
just here as Salida�s husband, not her doctor. I just
want to make sure she�s alright.�
�Oh, I�ve no doubt she will be.� He turned back to Salida.
�How are you feeling, Mrs. Sands?�
"Sore," she answered shortly. For this little trip
- that's right, she hadn't even been allowed to stay in her bed - she'd been
forced into a wheelchair. Jeffrey had tried to distract her by saying that it
would be good for her to get out. That sitting day in, day out in her little
windowless room wasn't good for her. She didn't care. As long as she wasn't
near windows, her children were safe.
That had been in the forefront of her mind since Jeffrey had
mentioned that this evaluation was coming; the safety of her children.
Apparently determination on both their parts simply wasn't enough. Apparently
if she wanted her babies to be safe, she was going to have to stay somewhere
where no harm would be able to get to them. And this guy was offering her that
place. Jeffrey was bound to be unhappy about it though.
�Just sore? Well if that�s your
complaint then I dare say you�re a very lucky woman, Mrs. Sands. Or would you
rather I call you Salida?�
She ignored his question, diving in for the kill. "Oh
yes, very lucky. I managed to kill one of my innocent, beautiful babies before
he had a chance to live, and I'm the lucky one.
You're right."
Dr. Meadow�s nodded, first taking in Salida�s
determination then the way Jeffrey�s face fell at the comment. �And you regret
this? The loss of your child?�
"No, I think it was bloody wonderful. One less mouth to feed. Didn't have enough tits to feed them
all anyway." She gripped the arm of her chair in anger. "Of course I
regret it, you -"
�Good. I�m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Sands,� Dr. Meadows
interrupted smoothly. �Tell me about the accident.�
"I threw myself off a balcony. Is that detailed enough
for you?" Salida didn't look at her husband. She knew that if she did,
she'd waver...and her children deserved better. They deserved better than her.
Jeffrey let out a pained gasp, but otherwise remained silent.
He had resolved to remain silent in the hopes that he wouldn�t say anything to
jeopardize this. From the looks of things, he needn�t have bothered. Salida was
doing a fine job on her own. Didn�t she know that they would lock her up if she
kept up like this? Didn�t she know that they would take her from him?
�No, it�s not. Tell me what happened, Mrs. Sands. Your
husband claims it was an accident, and we have nothing to refute that. We also
have nothing to refute the insinuation that it was a suicide attempt either
which is why I�m asking you to tell me what happened.�
"Let's see...I got mad, I got tired of being mad, and I
decided there was only one way to keep from getting mad again. I went out onto
the balcony, I climbed over the rail, I refused to let Jeffrey talk me out of
coming back in, I let go with one hand to make him mad, and then I fell."
�Why did you think that was the only way to keep from
getting mad again? Did you really mean to kill yourself?�
"Why not? It wasn't as if I
had any emotions but anger left."
�You were emotionless? Why was that?� Dr. Meadows asked
thoughtfully, all the while jotting notes in a small book that neither Salida
nor Jeffrey could see.
"Because I -"
�Because she had done something she regretted. It hit her a
little hard,� Jeffrey cut in quickly before she could incriminate herself. He
sent Salida a pointed look but as she wasn�t even looking in his direction, the
intent was lost.
�And what was that?� the doctor asked undaunted.
�She got into a fight with one of our close friends. It
ended badly and Salida blamed herself. Which is foolish
because our friend started the fight in the first place.�
�I see,� the doctor said with a slow nod. �And this is why
you were experiencing trouble having emotions? Why you were angry with
yourself?�
Jeffrey silently begged her to go along with him. He
couldn�t lose her. He wouldn�t. He would pick her up and carry her out of here
himself if he had to before he gave her up to this bastard.
Disgruntled, Salida accepted that she didn't exactly want to
incriminate her husband, which is what would have happened if she's spilled the
beans about Rivers.
"Because I did something that I never thought myself
capable of. I've been cruel in my life, but this was more than that. And it was
all over a simple insult that I would have once laughed off."
�So you were overemotional and you said or did something you
didn�t necessarily mean.�
"No. I meant it. I meant it more than almost anything
else in my life. Granted, that hasn't been very long."
�Well that�s alright. Friends come and go, Mrs. Sands. It�s
the way of the world. I�m sorry that you had to loose one of yours, but I
wouldn�t beat yourself up over it. You�re young yet. You�ll make new ones.� He
nodded to himself, looked over his notes and continued. �So you were upset with
the loss of your friend. What happened next?�
"That's it?" Salida laughed bitterly. "I go
ahead and admit that I'm -"
�He already knows, Salida,� Jeffrey interrupted once more.
�That you suffer from mild schizophrenia? Yes, your doctor�s
did inform me. I�m sorry you have to go through that, but that does not mean
you are crazy, Mrs. Sands.� He abruptly changed tactics. �Do you suffer from
depression?�
"Mild?! Mild?!"
The laughter had an edge of hysteria on it now. "I'm Salida. I'm ten years
old, or at least that's how long I've been around. I don't have schizophrenia.
Tess does."
�Salida, no,� Jeffrey gasped, feeling his world fall away
before his eyes once more. How could she do this to him?
�I see. You�re one of �Tess��
alternate personalities, are you?�
"I'm the only one. She gave up. I didn't want to spend
my days staring at some blank wall, slack-jawed and drooling. I took my chance.
And an innocent died because of it. I want to commit myself -"
�She is not of a sound mind to make such a decision,
doctor,� Jeffrey interjected in a dull lifeless voice. �She does not know that
in voluntarily committing herself she would be forgoing any and all rights to
her children. She would lose them and I know she wouldn�t want that. She would
lose me as well.� Although Jeffrey had addressed the doctor, his words were
clearly for Salida�s ears.
Salida's jaw trembled, but she
didn't back down. "I want my children to be safe. This seems like the only
way that will happen.� It was unclear who she was addressing, the doctor or her
husband, and her gaze was fixed so firmly on the wall that it seemed she'd
directed the words to both.
�You�re a fool if you believe our children will be safe born
in a fucking institution,� Jeffrey argued, his manner unsettling for he spoke
what should have been heated words in a monotone sameness, sounding as if he
were in another room speaking through the walls. �And when they�re born, they
won�t go to me. They�ll become wards of the state, Salida. We�ll never see them
again. Is that what you truly want?�
"I want them to be safe. They won't be safe anywhere
near me." It seemed as if they'd both totally forgotten the doctor,
although they were both looking at him. Not seeing him, but looking at him all
the same.
It was clear the doctor had something to say, but Jeffrey
talked right overtop of him. �And you somehow think they�d be more safe with a complete fucking stranger than with their
own mother?�
"If you didn't notice, their own mother killed their
brother."
�Fuck you. I�m not going to let you do it. I�m not going to
let you cloister yourself away out of some irrational fucking fear. You didn�t
kill him Salida, you�re surely killing our other two
surviving children if you do this. But you don�t seem to fucking care about
that.�
"Doctor, I want my husband to leave." It was the
only way to get rid of him, to quiet his voice in his ear. To calm the doubts
he was raising.
�I�m not fucking going anywhere, vixen,� Jeffrey hissed.
�I�m going to stay right here until you see sense again.�
�By law I cannot really force him to leave, Mrs. Sands,� Dr.
Meadows said gently before turning to Sands. �I do advise you to keep your
temper under control, Dr. Sands or I will have you removed as a threat to my
patient.�
�Your patient is
my wife and she�s talking about committing herself and taking away my children.
I would think I had a fucking right to argue that.�
Dr. Meadows nodded after a moment�s hesitation and a wary
glance at Salida. �Proceed with caution, Dr. Sands.�
Salida knew a load of bullshit when she heard one, and
that's what she'd just been handed. The law said he couldn't be made to leave?
That was a lie. She was the patient here. She had rights. If she didn't want
Jeffrey to be here, he shouldn't be here. But since the coward in front of her
wasn't willing to say that, she wasn't going to say anything either.
Jeffrey for his part knew this as well but certainly wasn�t
going to argue on her side to get him to leave. Fuck that. �Don�t make me fight
you for our children, Salida. I don�t want to.�
She flipped him off.
�Real cute. Glad to see you care,�
he said dryly. �So all that talk about you wanting
these children, that was all just a line of bullshit? When things get hard-and
by god they are fucking hard right now-you just give up? You let tragedy get
the better of you? You let it beat you?� Jeffrey shook his head in disgust.
�Who are you? You�re not my wife.�
Salida tilted her head as if trying very hard not to say
anything, and then moved her right arm across her body until her left hand
could fumble at the catch of her charm bracelet. Damn him. If that's how he wanted to see
things, then fine. Her only regret was that she didn't have a ring to give
back, but the bracelet would work just as well. Let him leave her. She'd stay
here - because without him there was no reason for her to leave - and she'd
stay close to Nicholas.
�You selfish bitch,� Jeffrey hissed between clenched teeth
as his eyes followed her charm bracelet�s decent onto the floor.
�Dr. Sands, I�m warning you. One more outburst like that and I�m going to have you escorted out. You�re not
helping matters any so I suggest you calm down and think about what you�re
saying.�
�Think about what I�m
saying?!� Jeffrey repeated incredulously. �This cold hearted bitch of a
wife of mine is talking about taking away my children!� he yelled before
turning a glare onto Salida. �You listen and you listen
good, vixen. You don�t leave me. You
are my wife and you are carrying my children. If I have to fucking drag
you out of here and lock you up until you�ve got it through your pretty little head that you aren�t going
anywhere, so be it!� Jeffrey was
shaking with rage, his hands balled into fists with his fingernails digging in
deep into the tender flesh of his palms. He hardly noticed. Just
as he hardly noticed the doctor calling for security. He did notice when two men came in and
tried to forcibly remove him from his wife�s side. He fought back, but he was
outnumbered. He did manage to grab Salida�s charm
bracelet from off the floor and clenched it in his bloodied hand screaming �You don�t deserve it!� as they dragged
him out of the room.
In the loud silence that rang through the room after his
departure, Salida murmured, "How can we agree on that one point and still
not agree about anything?"
�I am�terribly sorry that happened, Mrs. Sands. I did not
come here to start fights,� the doctor assured her.
"You didn't start that one," she whispered.
"I did. The day I found out I was pregnant. You see, I seem to be under
the impression that a schizophrenic won't make the best mother."
�That�s not true, Mrs. Sands. There are many schizophrenics
out there just like you who go on to lead fully normal and productive lives.
There�s no reason why you can�t do the same.�
"I won't be able to keep them alive. Look at the job I'm doing now. Better not to risk it. I love them too much to kill them. Better I simply stay here near
Nicholas."
�Nicholas? Is that what you named your son?�
"No. Jeffrey named him. But I held him. I looked into
his little face. I confronted the reality of what my insanity did. Not him. He
was too cowardly to look."
�Tell me about him.�
"There's nothing to tell. He died before he could even
be anyone."
�And you blame yourself for his death.�
"Of course I do. I was supposed to be able to at least
keep him safe until he was born."
�And what if I told you that�s not how the world works? What
if I told you that even though we try with ever part of our souls too keep them
safe they still get hurt? Children get hurt, Mrs. Sands. It isn�t right or
fair; it has no meaning or reason to it when it does, but it still happens. I
think that is something you�re going to have to learn. You�re going to have to
forgive yourself for what has happened. You will never be able to move on if
you don�t.�
"I don't want to move on," she said dully. "I
don't want to leave him behind."
�Is that what you�re really afraid of? Leaving your son
behind?�
"I don't want to forget him."
�Do you honestly worry that you�re going to forget your son,
Mrs. Sands? I don�t believe that you will.�
"I forget my husband's name sometimes. I forget my own
name. There's no guarantee that I'll always be there for them, or if I'll even
be there part of the time."
�There are no guarantees in life period, Mrs. Sands.�
"I can guarantee that Jeffrey had to keep me from
performing my own abortion when I found out I was pregnant. I can guarantee
that I'm not always in my right mind. I can guarantee that I'm a hazard to my
children's lives."
�And you wish to be committed because of this? It is your
feeling that by being in institution you can keep your children safe?�
"It will keep them away from me."
�And your husband? Do you wish him
to be kept away from you as well?�
"Jeffrey can take care of himself." It's me who can't take care of myself. Whether the danger's from him or
from me.
�It�s�within his right to sue for custody of your children,
Mrs. Sands. Do you understand that?�
"Yes."
Dr. Meadows nodded. �Well, I think I�ve heard all I�ve
needed to hear. Thank you for your cooperation, Mrs. Sands. I do hope you will
be feeling better and I�m sure we�ll speak again soon.�
That's it? Salida
wondered as some faceless, voiceless, emotionless orderly took her back to her
windowless room. That's it? I lost
Jeffrey and that's all they're going to do? Send me back to bed?
Well, it's too late
for regrets. He's not coming back. Salida felt depression wash over her as
the orderly lifted her back into bed and pulled the covers up to her waist. She
looked around - the room was so totally free of anything related to Jeffrey
that for a moment she thought that she'd only imagined his presence. But the
she turned her face into her pillow and raised her right hand; there was no corresponding
jingle from her charm bracelet and the pillow held a lingering trace of
Jeffrey's scent.
Alone and bereft, Salida started to cry.
***
Jeffrey paced. He could do nothing else. He paced the empty
halls like a caged animal, clearly making the guards that still watched over
him nervous but not noticing that he did. Salida�s
bracelet was still clenched in his hand; too tightly, he might have been
worried about breaking it had he cared, and it was clear to anyone who bothered
to watch him for a few seconds that he remained very, very angry. Selfish bitch! How can she do this to me?
Doesn�t she know I fucking love her?! And then moments later, when his frantic
pacing began to slow and self doubt crept in. Was it all a lie? Did she ever love me? Did she ever really want to
have children or was she just telling me what I fucking wanted to hear? She
can�t do this to me. I won�t fucking let her. He
unclenched one trembling hand long enough to dig into his pocket for his
cigarettes, fully intent on smoking the entire fucking pack as he paced, a
trail of smoke following in his wake like dragon�s breath. He hadn�t even
managed to get the fucking thing lighted when he was told to go outside. �Oh sure. Of course. It�s not like
I have anything keeping me here,� he told his accuser bitterly as he pushed
past him and stalked outside. Godamnit!
She can�t fucking do this to me! He screamed to
himself again. I can�t lose her. Not like
this. Please, not like this. What the fuck am I going to do? In this
instance, he did the only thing that came to mind besides helpless pacing and
furious chain-smoking; he called Aida.
"Hello?" Aida's voice had the soft edge of someone
who'd just been woken, and that was nearly the last straw for Jeffrey. That she
had been sleeping while Salida had been signing over their children to...
�I�m going to fucking kill her,� he hissed immediately
without thinking. �No, I�m not going to kill her. I�m going to fucking lock her
up and keep her fucking legs broken so she can�t run away. She thinks she can�t
take my fucking children, well fuck her! I�m not going to let it happen. She
can do whatever the fuck she wants to me, I don�t give a shit but she�s not
taking my two surviving children away from me. She�s not.�
Aida blinked several times, tried to remember if this rant
had any sort of prelude, then sighed. "What's
happened?" she asked, almost fearing the answer.
�She says she�s going to fucking commit herself. Can you
fucking believe that? She says at least she won�t be able to hurt them there.
She�s going to lock herself away just because she�s fucking scared herself into
thinking that she�s somehow going to kill our children. Instead, she�s going to
lock herself away and never see them again. She�s going to not let me ever see them again.�
"Did she say
she didn't want you to see them?"
�You�re not listening to me! It doesn�t matter what she said, what matters is what she�s doing! She�s going to fucking leave me,
kitty. And she doesn�t care.�
"She's grieving and she's punishing herself for loosing
a child she promised to protect."
�And like I�m not?! She told a
fucking psychiatrist that she wanted to be committed, Aida. A fucking psychiatrist! He�s going to fucking do
it. I know he is. The little worm is going to lock her up and I�m never going
to see her again.�
"If she is indeed committed because she said she wanted
to be, you will be able to see her,
and she can leave any time she wants."
�She won�t fucking leave. You
didn�t hear her. She�s got herself convinced that if her hands aren�t tied
she�ll be reaching for a knife to slit our son or daughter�s throat. And she�s
not going to want me to visit.�
"I think that if she talked to a qualified psychiatrist
in the first place, he'd see that she's only grieving. He won't commit her even
if she wants to be. Don't you think that it's possible that she may be doing
this out of guilt? That perhaps she thinks that if her son can't live his life,
then she shouldn't live hers?"
�Fuck her. Why is she doing this to me?�
"Jeffrey, she's not worried about you. She knows how
much you love your children. What she's
worried about is whether or not she's deluded herself into thinking that she does. After all, if she truly cared,
she never would have put herself in a position where harm could come to them."
Jeffrey snorted into the phone. He was still too fucking
hurt and pissed off to accept the sense that Aida was making.
"You know her better than I. Is that possible or isn't
it?"
�It�s�possible,� he admitted grudgingly, not wanting to let
go of his anger. �But it�s bullshit. Why would she be taking all
of this out on me were that the fucking case? She wants to fucking leave
me. Or me to leave her.�
"She's not
taking it out on you. She's taking it out on herself. In her mind she was the one who did wrong so she is the one who must be punished. She's trying to deprive
herself of everything your son could have had."
�She gave me back her fucking bracelet. Was she denying him that too?� Jeffrey asked with a scowl,
looking down at the bracelet in his bloodied hand. �If she could have given
back her fucking ring I bet it�d be in my fucking hand right now too.�
"He'll never know you. So she's giving you up. Or trying to at least. You're right...she can't get rid of
her ring."
�That�s right,� he said with a bitter laugh, scratching at
his own tattooed wedding ring. �The fucker�s permanent. Lucky
her.�
"I'll tell you one thing though, Jeffrey. Being harsh
with her isn't going to snap her out of any of this. You're going to have to be
patient. And never leaving her side might help. Be like the tattoo; she won't
be able to ignore you forever."
�I�couldn�t leave her, Aida. She�s all I have,� Jeffrey
whispered some minutes later. �Without her there�s no point.�
"I know. I know you wouldn't leave her. I wasn't
suggesting that you would. But you need to remind her of that, and not in any
way that is loud, or accusing, or involves the use of cuss words."
Jeffrey winced. �Too late,� he murmured.
Aida sighed.
"That's what I suspected. Oh
well. I'm sure you know how to make up
for that?"
Jeffrey sighed. �I thought I did,� he murmured. �I don�t
know how to talk to her now. I just-I just don�t understand her. I mean, I know
why you think she�s acting this way and in part I agree with you, but damnit I don�t understand this. I just don�t. She knew what
would happen if she did this and she did it anyway. There�s no reason to it. None at all. Not that she ever really needed reasons for the
things she does, but still.�
"I know it hurts not to understand," Aida said
softly, thinking of her husband. "But sometimes it really isn't necessary.
Just be with her. Sometimes you don't even need to say a word to remind someone
that you're there and you're not leaving. I'm not saying that some flowers
won't help if you blew up at her..."
��But they couldn�t hurt either,� he murmured with a soft
sigh before frowning to himself. �Uh�thanks. I guess,� he said hesitantly.
"Just be patient. She'll talk
when she's ready. I know it's getting close to the time when she can leave, but
perhaps you should let her stay in the hospital until she's mentally ready to
leave."
�We can�t stay here forever, kitty. It�s not safe,� he
reminded her with somewhat uncharacteristic-at least as far as she was
concerned-gentleness.
"I know, but do you want to have to deal with removing
Salida from a place where she feels safe before she's ready to go?"
�No. No, I don�t want that,� he murmured, envisioning having
to lock her up as he had threatened. That didn�t appeal to him at all.
"Well I've been keeping alert, and there hasn't been a
peep about any of us so far." She fell silent, then
asked him a question in a voice far different than the one she'd been using.
"Jeffrey? When you all went away for a few days, you weren't visiting Salida's mother, were you?"
�Why do you ask?�
"I've been reading the paper." Aida sounded sad.
�And you read about what happened,� Jeffrey said, giving her
a smidgeon of respect by not pretending not to know what she was referring to.
"I read about the death of two CIA agents who were once
chasing you. Well, the article didn't mention you by name, just that they had
been investigating a string of murders in the D.C. area."
�Two?� he asked with a frown. �Not�three?
Who?� He seemed completely unruffled by the talk about
him being a suspected murderer again. For all he knew, he or Sands was actually
guilty for that one.
"I think that answers my question," she said
faintly. "Well..." There was a sniff on her end of the line, but she
seemed to pull herself back together. "You'd better be getting back."
�You didn�t answer my question though. What were their
names?�
"It doesn't matter. You need to be going."
�They wouldn�t have stopped coming after us, kitty.
Something had to be done.�
"I don't want to talk to you about this."
�Fine. Whatever.
Not my problem. If you want to rant later, I suppose I�owe you one.�
"Thank you for the offer, but it's not necessary. I
don't intend to rant."
�Oh? And what do you intend? To further push your charming
idea of drugging Sands and I to the fucking gills, I imagine?�
"Goodbye, Jeffrey." Aida hung up.
Jeffrey scowled into the phone but didn�t let it bother him.
He had bigger things to worry about than Sands� fucking nosy wife, no matter
how much she may have helped.
***
Salida was aware of people moving in and out of her room,
but none of them tried to talk to her and that suited her just fine. After all,
she'd been returned to her place as a piece of property - why should anyone
bother to talk to her or she to them?
"You listen and
you listen good, vixen.
You don't leave me. You are my wife
and you are carrying my children. If
I have to fucking drag you out of here and lock you up until you've got it
through your pretty little head that
you aren't going anywhere..."
Jeffrey's voice was harsh in her mind, the words ringing
over and over again in her memory. He'd confirmed what he'd been denying...that
her only worth was as an incubator.
They'd loved each other once. She knew that. But now? When had she started to find his possessiveness
tiring instead of arousing? Once she had thrilled in being his...now the
thought just made her tired. He didn't care for her. He was just jealous of a
possession.
Jeffrey might have started small if he had known how to do
such a thing, but as he didn�t he could only go all out and hope to win her
over. Wait just a minute. You can start
out small. That shouldn�t be so hard. Buy everything at once and then just give
things to her one item at a time. Genius! He decided to follow his own
advice and moved silently into her room and laid a single long-stemmed red rose
next to her on the bed with a note saying �I�m sorry,� attached to it. When
that didn�t necessarily work, he brought her a box of expensive chocolates and
set them within easy reach of her good hand, the note attached to them saying,
�I�m sorry. Please forgive me.� When that still didn�t work, he began to leave
more and more roses in groups of twos and threes at her bedside, each with a
note saying �I love you,� and �You�re everything to me,� and �I�m sorry,� once
more. He was determined to wear her down until she was at least speaking to him
again. He would save the charm bracelet-he had fixed its broken clasp and
bought her seven new charms to go with it-for last. One for
each day of the week if she saw it that way. If not, then it was just
seven tokens of how much he loved and adored her. He hoped it would work.
Salida was staring dully at the wall though, and only
noticed his attempts at an apology as a soft rustle behind her.
�Salida please talk to me. I�m sorry. It�s just�you upset
me. I don�t want to lose you. If�if you really think you need�to stay in the
hospital for awhile, then I would try and stop you. But please not forever,
Salida. Please. I love you too much to let you go.�
Her husband's voice unpleasantly surprised her, and Salida
tensed. For a brief moment she wavered between ignoring or
acknowledging him, but she didn't want him to carry out his threats. She wasn't
strong enough to stand up to him. Better to let him carry on with his charade
of apologizing. After all, she could still leave once the babies were born.
She'd be strong enough to do so by then, and he wouldn't come after her once he
had his precious children. Or would he? Would he ever let her leave? Or was she
doomed to a life of quiet obedience, forever trying to avoid his raised voice
and his clenched fist?
These thoughts so occupied Salida that she forgot that she'd
meant to reply.
�Salida please,� Jeffrey begged softly, taking the charm
bracelet out of his pocket and holding on to it tightly. He hadn�t meant to
give it to her quite yet, but his hands needed something to fiddle with, and
they had reached for the bracelet first.
"Oh," she said softly when his plea once again
intruded on her wandering mind. She sighed. "Of course..." Her tone
was dull. "I was being silly. Never meant it. Would never go."
�I know that�s not true, Salida. You meant it. I know you
did. You think that by locking yourself away, you won�t be able to do any harm
to anyone. Especially our children. I�m not saying I
agree with this, but I think I understand why you think this way.�
She stayed silent as if waiting for his explanation. At this
point she didn't really want to say anything to set him off again.
�Say something, Salida. Please,� he pleaded gently before
sighing. �You�re still mad at me, aren�t you? I should have known none of these
stupid fu�er things was
going to make you happy.�
"Not mad," she murmured, and that much was the
truth. Somehow she'd ended up back in her state of icy calm emotionlessness.
�What then? I figured you�d be mad,� he murmured. �I
probably would be.�
"Can't be mad. That would be
bad. No good for anyone."
�Who says? Sometimes that�s all you can do. Sometimes you
need to be mad just to�I don�t know, get things out in
the open. You go ahead and be mad if you like,
Salida.�
"Do you want me to be mad?"
�I want you to be yourself, vixen. If that means you�re mad
at me, then so be it. I�ll take what I no doubt deserve.�
"I am myself. I'm not Tess so I must be myself."
�I know you�re not Tess, but you�re not acting like yourself
either, vixen. You�re not acting like the woman I love. I miss her,� he said
softly, still fingering the charm bracelet.
There he was - accusing her again. First he said that she
wasn't his wife, and now he was saying that he didn't love her anymore.
"If I'm not the woman you love, why are you here?"
Jeffrey sighed. This wasn�t going at all how he planned.
�You are the woman I love, vixen. I love you so much that I can�t stand to see
you like this.�
"Then go away. Go find the woman you love. Leave me
alone." Salida closed her eyes.
�I�m not going anywhere because you are the woman I love, Salida. You and only you.�
"No I'm not," she muttered rebelliously.
�Why do you say that? Who else would you be?�
There was a note of sharpness in Jeffrey's voice, or at
least she imagined there was. In an
instant she turned conciliatory. "No one. Just myself. Being silly."
Jeffrey frowned. �Why are you agreeing with everything I
say, Salida?�
She fell silent, but the small tremors that overtook her
body spoke more than eloquently about her state of mind.
Jeffrey�s frown only deepened at seeing her this way.
�You�re afraid of me, aren�t you? Why?�
She jerkily shook her head.
�Why are you afraid of me, vixen?� he asked again. �I�m not
going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I love you.�
"You selfish
bitch...drag you out of here and lock you up..." The words cruelly
resurrected themselves in her head, making her shiver. She didn't want to be locked up.
Jeffrey grew sad at her refusal to answer, so he merely went
on talking, no longer hoping for an answer. �I shouldn�t have said those things
to you earlier, Salida. I�m sorry. I got upset and then I got stupid. It
happens far too often. If you think you need to stay in the hospital or
wherever for awhile I�m not going to say no. I�ll miss having you to myself,
but I want you to get better. If that�s what it takes�so be it.�
She snuck a glance at him, wondering where the trick was. He wouldn't say those things unless he had a
trick. She knew very well that the last thing he wanted was for her to stay
in the hospital. He'd said so. He'd meant it.
Jeffrey continued, having not noticed her glance. He seemed
to be talking to himself now. �Not that I really want you to
stay in the hospital; I don�t care for them much. I�m not as bad as
Sands is, but still some of it transfers. But I meant it, Salida. I just want
you whole again. If you say staying here is what it is going to take then have them send me the bill and make sure they know I plan to
visit you every day.�
"I just want you
whole again." Her face drooped.
For a moment she'd been hopeful. Not anymore. "Not worth much
broken," she murmured.
Jeffrey silently cursed his own poor choice of words.
�That�s not what I meant, vixen. You�re not broken. Not in the way you mean.
You never were. And you�re worth everything
to me. Everything.�
She didn't seem to hear him. "Too
many cracks. Crackpot. Yes, that's it."
�You�re not a crackpot, Salida.�
"Went flying without my wings."
�You don�t have wings Salida, remember? You told me that
once. I wanted a feather.�
"I wanted to get away." She sighed and watched the
ceiling. "Didn't work too well."
�If you want to get away�just ask vixen.�
"Don't know what I was trying to get away from."
Jeffrey shrugged. �Who says there has to be something?
Sometimes you just need to get away from everything.�
"Even from you?" Is that alright?
Jeffrey nodded slowly. He knew she would ask after he had
said that. �Even from me. I�m not saying that I won�t
miss you, but it�s unfair of me to fucking keep you all to myself all the time.
If you need to get away, even from me, then I won�t stop you. The only thing
I�ll do is to ask you to come back to me.�
"I'm yours. I
don't get a choice."
�I�m giving you the choice, Salida. Wait, no I�m not. The
choice has always been yours. It�s not mine to give.�
"I belong to you," she repeated, certain that
there was a trick embedded in all of this somewhere.
Jeffrey shook his head. �No you don�t. You�re not some
possession, Salida. You never have been. You�re not something pretty to put up
high on a shelf and forget about. You�re a living, breathing, thinking, feeling
person of your own. You belong to no one but yourself. And I�m fucking over
possessive. I know I am. And for that, I�m sorry.�
"Not going to drag me away and lock me up?" she
asked suspiciously.
Jeffrey flinched as he realised why those words sounded so
familiar. �That�s what I said, isn�t it?� He scowled at himself. �I�m a fucking
idiot. No, vixen, no. I�m not going to do that too
you.�
"Promise?"
�I promise,� he said honestly, a small part of him wishing
he hadn�t. He was effectively giving her his fucking blessing to run off if she
wanted. God how he hoped it wouldn�t come to that.
Whether he meant it or not, Salida wasn't going to take any
chances. "Want to go," she whispered. "Tired
of always being looked at."
�What to go where? You want to go from here?�
That's what she wanted. He didn't want her to stay here.
"Yes."
�But I thought� No, if that�s what you want then that�s
alright with me. I�ll talk to the doctor about getting you discharged.�
"Ok."
Jeffrey nodded, looked down at his hands, and offered her
the bracelet.
"What's that?" she asked, eying it suspiciously.
�It�s your charm bracelet. I just thought that maybe�you
would like it back again,� he said hesitantly. �I got you some new charms. But
if you don�t like them, it�s ok.�
"My...charm bracelet?" She looked down at her bare wrist.
"Oh."
�You�dropped it. I picked it up and had the clasp fixed for
you. And the new charms,� he said again, shifting where he stood.
"New charms?"
He nodded as he handed it to her so she could look at it for
herself. �Seven, I think. I probably bought too many.�
"Explain?" She looked up at him curiously as she
fingered the charms.
�Alright. I got you the little
vixen for your name. The heart and the rose are for you for turning me into a
helpless romantic without really trying. The moon is to pair with your sun, I guess I wanted something to represent me there
besides the sword. Uh, skull is to represent the ability to have a new
beginning rather than having to dwell on the past, and the letter �N� and the
rattle are in remembrance of our son,� he said softly.
"The skull too," she whispered, fingering it. "Dia los Muertos."
�Yes, vixen. So you will be able to
be reminded of him as you speak his name on that day.�
"Don't deserve to," she moaned, once again sliding
into depression.
�Yes, you do,� he said firmly.
"No...nonononononono."
�Why not, Salida? If you don�t
speak his name on that day, then who will? How will he be remembered if not by
his mother?�
"He should be saying my name. Not I his. Don't deserve to."
�It wasn�t your fault he died, Salida. And it�s not your
fault that you continue to live.�
The only words she'd latched onto though were "your
fault," and she couldn't let them go.
"Yes, my fault. All my fault."
�It�s not your fault,� he said again. �It never
was. Never.�
"Never should have done it."
�Never should have done what?�
"Never should have risked falling. Horrible.
So horrible."
�Yes, it was. A horrible accident,� he stressed. �Not your fault.�
"My fault. I'm horrible."
�No, you�re not, Salida. You�re beautiful and caring and
giving and self-sacrificing and loving. You are not horrible.�
"No." Rolling onto her side as much as she was
able, Salida stoppered one ear with the pillow and
the other with her trembling hand.
�Blocking your ears isn�t going to make it any less true,
Salida. You are not horrible.�
"Can't hear you, can't hear you, can't hear you -"
�Yes, you can,� Jeffrey said softly, reaching out to move
the pillow away. �I�m going to go organize your discharge if that�s still what
you want. I love you and you�re a wonderful person.�
"No. Staying."
�I thought you didn�t like how people were looking at you
all the time?�
"Go away," she asked, her voice trembling.
�Do you want me to go because you don�t want to see me
anymore or because you don�t want to have to listen to what I�m telling you?�
She didn't answer.
As she didn�t answer, he didn�t move. �You�re a beautiful,
kind, generous, person, Salida. Never horrible.�
"Beautiful...kind...generous...people...don't..."
�Exactly. You didn�t do anything.
You couldn�t have because you are beautiful, kind and generous. Not to mention
gentle and wonderful.�
"NO!"
Jeffrey sighed. �You can yell at me until you can�t talk
anymore. It won�t change the truth, Salida.�
"You don't know the truth!" she accused. "You
didn't look down into his blue little face and realize that you had killed him!"
�No, I looked down at his face and realised that I hadn�t
saved him,� Jeffrey said softly, his eyes looking downward in sorrow and shame.
"You didn't look at him at all!"
�Yes, I did. I saw how small he was; how delicate. I saw the
way his tiny face was tilted towards you as if he could still hear your voice.
I saw everything, Salida.�
"Then how can you not hate me?"
�Because I know it wasn�t your fault.�
"Yes it was. You know it was. Just say it
already."
�Only if you want me to lie. It
wasn�t your fault, Salida. You did not kill our son.�
"Liar," she accused bitterly.
�No, not this time vixen.�
"Yes. Liar. My
fault."
�No. I�m telling you the truth. It was not your fault.�
"Go away."
�If that�s what you really want, then I will. It�s still not
your fault, Salida.�
"Go!" she yelled, throwing the bracelet back at
him. "Don't come back until you can admit it!" Some small part of him
must hate her. He didn't love their children
unless there was.
The bracelet bounced off of his chest and hit the floor. He
calmly bent over to pick it up with a trembling hand. �I�ll hold on to this
until you want it again. And I�ll come back soon. You may hate me, but it still
wasn�t your fault. I�ll be right outside the door.�
Her reply was to turn her back to him.
�I love you, Salida,� he called out to her turned back.
No you don't. You hate
me. You have to. It's not right if you don't. I deserve it. Tell me. Hate me.
Don't trust me. Don't love me...
Salida dropped off as these thoughts ran through her mind, and then
through her dreams.
***
Sands walked quickly toward the hotel, a trail of smoke
following behind in his wake as he moved to meet his wife. He had never been so
happy to be out in the fresh air in his fucking life. He had needed to get out
of that fucking hospital as soon as possible. He needed to see her.
He got to the hotel, went up to their room, and opened the
door to find his wife sitting in an armchair. There was a newspaper in her lap
and a pensive look on her face as she chewed on a thumbnail. When he came in,
she looked up, not looking at all happy to see him.
He closed the door slowly behind him, feeling a Sword of
Damocles hanging above his head, ready to drop in any second. He stopped
himself from actually looking up to check. �Uh, hello Aida.�
"Hello, Sands."
�What�s wrong?� he asked, moving further into the room.
She stiffly held out the newspaper in her lap, obviously
offering it to him.
His brow furrowed in confusion and worry, but he took the
paper from her and scanned its contents. She obviously wasn�t concerned about
the local spelling bee championship so she must have been referring to the
flashier headline of Suspected Serial
Killer At Large in the Capitol. �Ah.�
"There was no visit to Salida's
mother, was there?"
�No.�
"You lied to me."
�Yes, I did.�
"You had no intention of ever telling me."
�No, I didn�t.�
"You wanted to kill all those people."
�Yes, I did.�
Aida bit her lip. "Well..." Her voice trailed off
and she stood up. "Well," she repeated, before wrapping her arms
around herself as she began to pace. "Is that it? Not even an explanation?
An excuse?"
�They were a threat. They wouldn�t have stopped coming after
me, Aida. They would have killed me.�
"We were leaving. There were
any number of things you could have done before resorting to this."
He nodded slowly. �I wanted revenge, Aida. I wanted to make
them pay for what they had done to me.�
"And that revenge was worth me?"
His eyes grew wide and fearful at that. �What�what are you
saying?�
"There was a reason you didn't tell me the truth of why
you were going, wasn't there, Sands?"
�I-I didn�t want you to know. I knew you wouldn�t
understand. I�didn�t want you leave me because of it.�
"You promised me, Sands. You promised."
�I�I have no excuse. I betrayed your trust. I broke a
promise,� he said distantly, as if these things were occurring to him for the
first time.
"You knowingly
broke a promise," she hissed, showing her true anger for the first
time. "You knew I'd beg you not to
go, that I'd remind you of your promise, and that you'd have to stay. So you
lied to me. You lied to me so you could go kill innocent people -"
�They were not
innocent, Aida. I did not just go out and pick some random person off of the
street and decide that their life was ended today.� Wait, fuck. Yes I did. Better not mention that.
"This man's wife, one of his
siblings, and a woman found in a warehouse. Read the whole article,
Sands. You decided you're rather have blood and death
than me."
�No-no I didn�t. I didn�t decide that. I couldn�t decide
that. The two don�t compare. Nothing does to you.�
"Oh, even better. You never
even spared a thought for me beyond the fact that I wouldn't want you to do
it."
�Yes, I did. But by then it was too late.�
"Don't give me that bullshit," Aida said, her voice harsh. "If you'd been thinking at all
you would have realized just how I was going to react if I found out. And I
have."
�I meant it was too late to save them. Sunrise and Jeffrey
would have killed them if I hadn�t,� Sands said slowly after wincing at her
answer.
"You should have realized it long before then. You
never should have left."
�And when they came after us? What then, Aida?�
"Then I could at least talked
myself into viewing it as self-defense. But they didn't. You went to them,
killing innocents in your wake."
�Just because I was proactive doesn�t mean it wasn�t in self
defense.�
"What you call proactive, I call cold-blooded
murder."
Sands had nothing to say to that.
"Well, I must say that I'm not feeling very much like a
wife right now. You don't take the time to remember your promises to me -
promises you made out of desperation
to keep me from leaving - you don't take my feelings into account, you have no
problem lying to my face, and you don't mind keeping the truth from me. Yes,
that's the marriage I always wanted. If I say I'm going to leave, you'll make
the same promises, and you might even keep them until the next 'threat' comes along.
Why don't we just make my position official and then you can just keep your
lies and your false promises?"
�What position is that?� he asked slowly, his thoughts
racing. No, no she can�t do this to me!
Not now. Not when I need her. She can�t! Why is she doing this? Why doesn�t she
understand I did it to protect her? Rivers had to die. Kill or be killed, kill
or be killed, kill or be killed.
"Let's see...housekeeper? No, they're normally notified
about where their boss will be. Same with a secretary. Cook might work, but that won't
explain us sharing a bed. Can you tell me what term might describe a woman who
is fed, clothed, and kept by a man but he doesn't tell her any more than she
needs to know except for what he wants in bed?"
Concubine. Or close enough anyway. �That�s not
what you are to me, Aida.�
"Oh really. I wouldn't guess
by the way you've been treating me."
�What do you want me to say, Aida? I fucked up. I didn�t
think about you, only about myself. I lied to you about it because I knew you
would see what I did as wrong.� Please
don�t do this now.
"And that makes it all okay?! I'm supposed to forgive
and forget now that I've caught you and you've confessed?!"
Sands visibly recoiled at her rebuke, his face tightening in
fear and worry. �No, it doesn�t. Nothing will make it ok and I don�t know what
I can do-if anything-to make you trust me again. I don�t ask for your
forgiveness. I wouldn�t.� Aida please. I�m sorry. I�d didn�t mean it. Don�t do this to me,
please. I�ll change. I�ll be better. You�ll see.
Aida was quiet for a few minutes as she paced, but she
finally turned back to Sands, all her anger leaving her. "I don't know
what to do, Sands." Her voice and posture were limp. "You don't want
me to leave - I don't want to leave -
but every time I tell you what kind of behaviors make me think I need to leave,
you promise to stop. And every time you break your promises. I can deal with
you wanting to kill people. Or at least I could if you were ever honest with
me. You're not willing to give me up, but you're not willing to stop either.
Well, you can't have it both ways."
�Tell me how to fix this, Aida. I know I can�t have it both
ways, but�I don�t know how to do things any different. I didn�t choose to be
this way, I just am. It�s not an excuse, it�s an explanation. I did not choose
to be born without the curse of a conscience. I just was. I did not ask to be
fucking schizophrenic and have to divide my life in two just because part of me
says so. I just am.� His voice grew softer. �And I don�t know why I enjoy
killing other people. I don�t. I know it�s wrong, in theory, and yet that
doesn�t stop me. And I don�t know what will. If anything.�
"I don't think anything will," she whispered.
"If losing me isn't enough incentive to make you stop, I don't know what
is. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I don't know how the mind works
or how to stop you from doing anything. I would think that you would have
realized by now that I can't stop you from doing anything."
Sands� face fell just a little bit more at her words. �I
know,� he sighed, casting his eyes up toward the ceiling and yet not really
looking at it. �Nothing can stop me,� he murmured dully. Frowning at himself,
he put a hand to his head and rubbed his right temple with a wince. Just don�t. Don�t listen anymore. It�s only
making things worse. It�ll all blow over. You see. This doesn�t matter. What
she�s saying doesn�t matter. She�ll love you again. She would never leave you.
Don�t think about it. Just listen to me. Let me help. I�ll make everything
better. I promise. �Please stop,� Sands whispered, and it was unclear
whether he was talking to Aida or the voice within his own head.
"I'm going to go to bed now," Aida murmured.
"I was just waiting up for you."
Sands didn�t hear her.
Aida didn't know whether she should be relieved that he
didn't follow her or not, and she didn't stop to ponder it. She just went to
bed.
Sands for his part was lost within
the world of his own mind. �Shut up. Please, shut up. Leave me alone. I�m not doing
anything. I�ll be quiet. Just stop.� Why?
I�m only looking out for you, Sands. You know that, don�t you? You�ve always
needed me. You know you have. Sands clamped his hands over his ears as he
sank to his knees but it did no good. You
can�t escape me, Sands. Just listen to me. I�ll make everything alright, you�ll
see. You won�t have to worry about anything. Jeffrey either. You won�t have to
worry about them leaving either of you. I�ll make sure they�re both safe.
You�ll see. �You�you won�t try to hurt them?� Sands asked hesitantly. Of course not. Why would I want to hurt them? I know how
much you love them. I know how much Aida means to you, Sands. I wouldn�t try
and hurt her. I�d keep her safe. You�ll see. She has nothing to fear from me. Just rest for awhile, Sands. Jeffrey, too.
You both are so tired. It�s hard looking after them all the time, isn�t it?
It�s hard trying to know what to say and how to make things right. It�s hard to
care so much and receive so little in return. Sure they love you, but do they
have any idea what you�re really going through? Of course
not. How could they? �They don�t know. If she did, she wouldn�t have
done this. Not now. I can�t take this now. Please, make it stop,� Sands begged.
Shh. I will. You won�t have to worry, Sands. Rest now. Leave everything to me. �You promise you won�t hurt her?� I promise. Sands nodded once before
letting himself sink into oblivion, not knowing who
held the reins now and too far gone to care.
�Well then. That was easy,� the voice said aloud with a
laugh. �I think I�m in the mood for some fun. Oh hush you two. I�m not going to
hurt either of your precious wives. That�d be too predictable. And you�d surely
kill me if I did, so have no fear. They�re both safe with me. You think I
should go check on Aida though, Sands? Well alright, I know you can�t really
hear me, but you do think that, don�t you? Well that�s fine. I�m curious to see
her in the flesh actually.� The voice started out on its new legs toward the
bedroom, but not before looking around. �Are the walls always covered in blood
or is that just a hallucination? It�s probably a hallucination since there�s a
young child painting in it, but with you two one can never be sure. Oh well.
Now, am I Sands? Or am I Jeffrey? Am I Sheldon? Who am I? Oh I see, no answer,
eh? That�s very rude. I think I�m still Sands, but I�m not sure. We�ll go with
that. Maybe Aida will know. We�ll ask.�
Aida hadn't managed to fall asleep yet. When she heard the
door to the bedroom open, she sighed and curled tighter in her blankets. She
wasn't going to kick Sands out - that wouldn't solve anything - but she didn't
want to talk any more either.
�So you�re Aida. I�ve heard about you. Never seen you,
didn�t have control, but heard about you all the same. Sands
thinks about you a lot. Unless I�m Sands, then I think about you a lot.
I don�t know. Am I Sands? Or someone else? And is
there really a child out there finger-painting with blood or is that just us?�
The blankets flew off Aida so fast that it appeared that
some sort of miniature hurricane hand blown them away. Or it would have if Aida
hadn't scrambled across the bed to put as much space between them as possible,
her face white.
�Was it something I said?� the voice asked, a bit started himself. �You don�t need to be afraid of me, Mrs. Sands. I�m
not going to hurt you. I promised I wouldn�t.�
"Not...not everyone keeps
their promises," she whispered, her mouth dry.
�I suppose that�s true. Mrs. Salus-I
do believe that�s what Salida calls herself-promised to protect her child. You
can see how well that went over, can�t you?�
"Why are you here? Who are you?"
�I�m here because Sands and Jeffrey needed a break. So they
had one. Get it, psychotic break? Yes, well I
thought it was funny,� the voice said dryly. �As for who
I am? I don�t know really. I�m inclined to say I�m still Sands, but that can�t
be right, can it?�
"I don't know."
�Oh,� the voice frowned. �Well if I�m not Sands, then I
don�t know who I am. All the names have been taken and then some.�
"Leave me alone," she whispered.
�I wasn�t aware I was doing anything to you. But fine, if
that is what you wish. I�m sure I�ll find something do to out there. Just where
is here, exactly?�
"You can't leave the room." Aida was torn. These
personalities were always bad. She didn't want to be anywhere near him, but if he left... Would he go on a killing spree
too?
�I beg to differ, Mrs. Sands. You cannot keep me here.�
"I thought you said you couldn't hurt me."
�Yes, well I�ll try my best but I will not let you lock me
away like some hermit. I am not your prisoner, Mrs. Sands. I don�t even know
you.�
"I don't trust you. I won't let you leave."
�What have I done to earn your distrust?�
"I don't trust any of you."
�Not even your husband?�
"That's none of your business."
The voice bowed his head in acquiescence. �While I have
promised not to hurt you, I refuse to allow you to just lock me up, Mrs. Sands.
It isn�t right. This is my first taste of real freedom and you would deny it to
me? I think not.�
"You-you're not going outside." Aida hesitantly
moved to the bedroom door.
�Step aside, Mrs. Sands. My patience will only be stretched
so far.�
"No." She shook her head. Anything
this - man? - personality did would be put to
Sands' account.
�I know of your illness, Mrs. Sands. You cannot hope to
stand against me. Now stand aside. I do not wish to hurt you.�
"You'll have to," she whispered.
The voices� face contorted in rage but he made no move to
hurt her. �Why are you doing this? Why won�t you just let me leave?�
"Anything you do will be laid on Sands' account."
�You would blame Sands for the things I�ve done?� the voice
asked with a curious tilt of his head, taking a step towards her.
"Not me," she said, flattening herself against the
door. "Others."
�Oh, you mean if I went out and killed a bunch of people I
could potentially get Sands arrested? Is that what you mean?� he asked, taking
another step closer to her, his eyes locked with hers.
"Yes." Aida started trembling.
�I see. What would you have me do otherwise then? If not
kill, then what?� he moved even closer still, so that they were practically
nose to nose.
Stay away from me.
But Aida's dry mouth wouldn't let her voice the plea. She just stared up at
him, aware of just how dangerous this was. Perhaps she was insane after all.
�You are a beautiful woman, Aida. If you won�t let me
experience freedom for myself, then may I kiss you?�
"No -"
He cut her off by running his thumb along her bottom lip. �I
think it�s only fair. If you are to deny me the chance to taste freedom, then
you could at least let me experience heaven before I go.�
"No," she said again, jerking away from him.
�Please, Aida,� he whispered, leaning in to kiss the side of
her neck gently. It wasn�t quite what he wanted, but it was still ambrosia.
"Stop." She placed her hands on his chest and tried
to push him away. "I'm a married woman."
�Married to Sands, yes I know. Who do you think I am?�
"N-not Sands." He wasn't budging.
�How do you know? We�re all from him, you know. He was first.
We�re all a part of him.�
"I don't know you."
�Yes, you do,� he whispered into her ear. �You always have.
It�s only now that we�ve met.�
"That's nonsense."
She shied away.
�As you�ve kissed him, you�ve kissed me. As you�ve made love
to him, you�ve made love to me. I know everything he knows, Aida. There is no
division. How can you say that we�re not the same person?� He wasn�t letting
her go.
Aida noticed this and commented on it. "Let me
go." Her voice wasn't as firm as she would have liked, but she meant it.
�Why? Where are you going to go, Aida? If you leave then
I�ll be able to. I�ll be able to go out and take out all this delicious energy
on some unsuspecting innocent. Kiss me, Aida. Save someone�s life.�
"That's blackmail." Aida swallowed hard.
�Oh, blackmail�s such a harsh word. I like to call it
motivated persuasion.�
"So I agree to give you a kiss and then you'll
stop?"
�Well now, that depends on the kiss.�
"You're only getting one." Something deep inside
Aida told her that even that was giving too much, but she had to do something
to make him stop. He was simply too...close to her. She couldn't think
straight.
�We�ll see,� he said, moving even closer to her than before,
so she could clearly feel the press of his body against her own. He leaned in
for the kill, first tracing the tip of his tongue across her lips slowly,
savoring the sensation. When she involuntarily parted her lips to him, he took
the advantage and thrust his tongue past her lips, deepening the kiss as he
pressed her back against the wall. His hands moved over her body through her
clothes-she hadn�t said anything about not touching her, after all-as he kissed
her, sending the heights of his passion to the stratosphere. God in heaven, he
wanted her. If this was what he had to fight for, no wonder Sands fought so
hard for control.
"Mmph!"
For a second Aida had relaxed into the kiss, but then she remembered that this
wasn't her husband and she fought to pull her lips away from his.
If he noticed her distress, he gave no sign. He was
determined to have his kiss and then some. His tongue scoured her mouth,
tracing its contents frantically as his hands did much the same to her body.
Nearly desperate, Aida pinched the tender skin of his
collar, but that backfired. He merely moaned and kissed her even more
passionately.
All he could think about was her. He needed more and more
and he couldn�t stop himself. He was far past the point of no return and he
didn�t care in the least. His hands began to move under her pajama shirt as he
began to bemoan the excess of clothes that separated them as he rubbed his
hardened arousal against her.
This is wrong. This is
wrong. But the hands were so familiar, and they were touching all the right
places. When her mouth was finally
released and they both tried to catch their racing breath, Aida weakly gasped,
"Stop. Please. You're not Sands."
�I could be,� he breathed, leaning his forehead against
hers. �Please don�t deny me this. I beg you, Aida. Please. Let me be Sands.
Please.�
"But you're not."
�Let me pretend. Just for a little while,� he pleaded,
moving to kiss her neck gently again.
"No. It'd be wrong. He'd never forgive me."
�Yes he would,� he murmured, pulling down her shirt a little
to kiss her bare shoulder. �I�d make sure of it. Please, Aida. It�s not wrong.
How can it be wrong? I�m still him. He�s still me.�
"You're not him."
�Yes, I am,� he whispered, his hands finding her breasts
under her shirt.
She inhaled sharply, but didn't stop her protests. "You
keep calling me Mrs. Sands. He's never called me that. I'm mad at him. You're
not him. Please stop."
�Don�t ask me that, Aida. Please. Don�t deny me this like
you�ve denied me everything else.� His hands found her nipples and he pinched
and rolled them between his fingers gently, doing everything he could to get
her to say yes.
"I...I don't know you. I haven't denied you
anything." Against her will, her eyes started to slip shut.
�You�ve always known me,� he whispered again, his mouth and
tongue latching on to her sensitive neck while his hands caressed her breasts.
And still he rubbed against her, needing his own pleasure, but able to wait
until he could take more than that. He would not take her by force but he would
take her.
"No I haven't. I've never met you." At this
reminder, she resumed her struggle to push him away.
�You�ve known me since the first instant I laid eyes on you,
spitfire. You knew me as you looked up at me from the ground after I had
knocked you over. You knew me as you acted up on that stage as if you were
putting on a show for me alone. You�ve always known me. You�re the only one who
really knows me.�
"Sands?" she asked in confusion, pulling away and
trying to look at him.
He let her. If he was going to pull this off-if he was going
to make her believe that Sands was in control once more-then he had to be very
careful. �It�s me, spitfire,� he said softly.
"Wha...?" She shook her
head. "What's going on?"
�Don�t ask me. Last thing I remember is you going to bed and
suddenly I�m in the bedroom with you.� The voice tried not to blanche as the little blood-covered child suddenly appeared
in the corner, waving at him before setting to work.
"You..." She rubbed her forehead. "You should
get some sleep. I'll just -"
�I�m not tired, spitfire. In fact, sleep is the last thing I
want to do right now. Unless it�s with you,� he said pointedly, giving her a
look that showed her just how consuming his desire was for her.
"No. We're in the middle of an argument."
�Isn�t there some phrase about not letting the sun set upon
your anger? Please, spitfire. Let me show you how much I love you. Please.�
"Don't you want to know what happened?"
�Of course I do. It�s just�other things are taking precedent
in my mind right now,� he murmured, briefly glancing downward at himself and
then back up at her again. �It makes it a bit harder to think straight.�
"I don't know..." she whispered as he came towards
her again.
�Please, Aida. Let me show you in actions what I cannot say
in words. Let me love you.�
"I never questioned that -� Once again she was cut off
by her husband's vigorous kiss.
The voice made sure to inject the right amount of impatience
and desperation into the kiss-it wasn�t too hard under the circumstances, but
it wasn�t what he would have normally done. He felt she needed to be worshiped.
Sands always seemed to go at it with the only the thought of his own pleasure
in mind. But making love was so much more than that. It was an opportunity to
show every emotion in the world to the other person and then some.
Aida - against her better judgement - relaxed, loosely
wrapping her arms around his shoulders.
The voice smiled to feel her relax against him and took her
into his arms and spun her in a small circle, all the while still kissing her.
"What are you doing?" Aida gasped as they came to
a stop.
�I just needed to see you, Aida. After I left the
hospital�Sunrise is a mess. Jeffrey couldn�t deal with her any longer and
that�s why I came here. And then you were upset with me too, and I� Nevermind. It doesn�t matter.�
"Are you saying that I didn't have a right to be upset
with you?"
�No, no, of course not. I�m just
saying�it was hard.�
"I'm sorry." But
it was your own fault. Reminded about their disagreement, Aida vaguely
moved to sit on the bed.
He shook his head and moved to stand in front of her. �You
have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, spitfire. This is my fault. Not yours.�
She eyed him suspiciously, but didn't say anything.
He sighed. �I should have�fucking�.listened to you. I�should
have known. I did know. I knew what would happen and I did it anyway. I can�t
say forgive me because I don�t deserve it. I can only say I�m sorry for causing
you such distress.�
"Are you just telling me what I want to hear?" The
suspicion hadn't gone away. It'd increased at his halting apology.
�No,� he said honestly. �I wouldn�t do that.�
"You have in the past."
His brow furrowed in an honest frown. �I know I have. I�m
sorry. It�s not right. No one should be lied to like
that. Especially not you.�
She nodded and looked away.
�I can�t imagine how this must be for you, Aida. I honestly
can�t. To�put up with me day in and day out. To practically
trap yourself in a relationship because of your love for me. I sometimes
wish you didn�t. I sometimes wish that I had never gotten you into any of this.
That I had just given you money rather than dinner and our paths had never
crossed again. But what would become of us then? Would our
lives really be all that better? Would I have self-destructed long ago
without you here to keep me balanced? It would be a safe bet.�
"Don't try to sweet talk me," she murmured.
�I�m not. I swear to you, I�m not. I�m just trying to speak
the truth as I see it, Aida.�
"As you see it now."
�Yes.�
She sighed and flopped back on the bed. "You really
disappointed me."
The voice tried not to eye her hungrily as she moved, but it
was hard. �I know I did, spitfire. And knowing that is somehow worse than if
you said you hated me.�
"It feels worse," she whispered.
�I�d say then try and let me make it up to you, but that�s
selfish of me to ask so I won�t. I�m sorry.�
"I know you are," she sighed. "I know." I know you're sorry to be caught.
�I betrayed your trust. I�m sorry for that.�
"Why is it that you suddenly know all the right words
to say?"
�I don�t know. Maybe I needed time to think about it.�
"But you weren't here. Do you think when you're not
here?"
�Sometimes all I do is think. It�s
all I can do. When I can longer affect the world, my energies tend to turn
inward.�
She raised her head to look at him suspiciously. "That
sounded almost poetic."
He remembered just in time to make a face of distaste. �I
blame it on Jeffrey. He�s the one who does all the reading. Not me.�
Aida seemed to accept this because she let her head drop again.
She didn't ask any more questions, didn't level any more accusations... In
fact, she didn't seem to be paying much attention to him at all.
�Aida? Are you still awake?�
"Mmm..."
�Aida please. Are you just going to
leave me like this?� he asked as he lay down on the bed beside her.
"Go take a cold shower. You deserve it." Her words were stern, but her voice lacked
authority.
His shoulders slumped. �Do you really mean that?� he asked
slowly. He would, had stooped to
pretending to be someone he was not, but he held firm to the resolve that he
would not take her without her consent. He wasn�t a monster.
"I should. It's no less than you deserve."
�I know,� he said softly. �But do you really?�
"Why?"
�Because I miss you, Aida.�
"We made love just the other day. You've been coming
home regularly."
�I know, but now�now it�s different. Now it feels like I
haven�t seen you for years. It�s as if we�ve just met. You�re upset with me and
all I want to do is show you how much I love you again.�
"Are you sure that's you? The guy who was here before
you was feeling remarkably frisky too."
The voice narrowed his eyes, using an image of someone
else-some stranger taking her like this-to fill him with real anger. �There was
someone else here? Who was it?� he asked evenly.
"I-I don't know," Aida stammered, alarmed by his
sudden anger. "It was one I've never met before. But at least he wasn't
trying to kill me."
The anger seeped away slowly. �Oh. Well that�s something, I
suppose,� he murmured, trying to sound unsure.
"I thought it was a refreshing change." Aida
rolled onto her side and looked at him. "Are you feeling alright?"
�What? Besides feeling madly in love with you, I guess I�m a
little�muddled. But I�m alright.�
"Are you sure?" Aida gingerly reached across the
distance between them to stroke his cheek. "I had to come down hard on
you. I don't seem to get through unless I -"
"I don't want to talk about it," he said, turning
his face to kiss her palm. It was really a ploy to hide the sudden bolt of jealousy
he felt. Sands had hurt her. He would never hurt her. She was a treasure.
"Oh. Alright." Aida
looked a bit bewildered, but she didn't protest.
�You�re beautiful to me, Aida. Utterly
enrapturing. I�d sell my soul to make you happy again.�
"If you did that, you wouldn't really be my Sands
anymore, would you?" Aida was carefully examining his face, but didn't
seem to find anything out of place since she relaxed.
�No, I suppose not. But there isn�t much I�d not do to
ensure your happiness, Aida. I know I haven�t always shown that in the past,
but I�m going to try very hard to be different. I know how that sounds, but
it�s the truth.�
"I hope so," she said sadly. She honestly couldn't
take connecting her husband to too many more murders in the paper.
�I know you do. And I know what you fear. I won�t let that
happen, Aida. You�re never going to lose me. And I will do my very best to not
repeat what happened today. I wish I could promise you that it wouldn�t, but
I�m trying to be truthful with you and that�s just something I cannot promise.�
Aida doubted that would be enough, but she didn't want to
fight. "I don't like arguing with you," she sighed.
�I don�t either, Aida. It�leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I
don�t enjoy it at all.�
She hummed a response and moved her head so that her
forehead was pressed against his chin.
The voice smiled benevolently, liking very much the feelings
that were coursing through him; the feeling of being loved without expecting
favors in return. It was astonishing, really. He tilted his head slightly to
kiss her on the forehead and wrapped his arms around her shoulders gently. He
simply wanted to touch her. The need to consume her hadn�t vanished, it still
burned hot and bright, but he was learning to appreciate moments like this all
the more. He just wanted to love her.
"Do you know how things are going with Salida?"
she asked slowly, wondering if this was a smart topic to broach at the moment.
She didn't really want to wake Jeffrey, but if Sands was here, that must mean that
the other man had finally given into exhaustion and fallen asleep.
The voice sighed. He did indeed know, for Jeffrey knew, and
Jeffrey had come to rely on his council nearly as much as Sands had. �She still
won�t forgive herself for what�s happened. And furthermore, I think she blames
him for not blaming her. Does that make sense? She feels that he should hate
her, and when he tells her he doesn�t she can�t understand it.
It�s all a rather large mess, I�m afraid.�
"A rather large mess?" Aida pulled back, and although she didn't
look suspicious, she did look quizzical.
"Are you sure you're feeling alright?"
He blinked, but kept his composure. �Yes, I�m fine. I guess
I was trying to be delicate. I don�t know. Maybe I�m picking up on his
unwillingness to talk about it. I don�t know. I just know that she�s�pissed off
and irrational.�
"Hormonal and strung out on pain killers?"
�I suppose so. But I think it�s more than that. If it
wasn�t, then I don�t think Jeffrey would be as�oh, unhinged as he is. It�s not
good, spitfire. He affects me and�it�s just not good. I don�t know how they�re
going to work it out, but they�d better.�
"Maybe that's why you're just a bit...off...tonight. It's
Jeffrey."
�I wouldn�t be surprised. I think they had a big fight before
I came here. It�s the only real explanation for why I�m here, really.�
"Okay...well I guess that's better that no
explanation."
�I�m sorry. I�ll try and think of a better one if you wish.�
She snorted. "That's alright. I don't need a bedtime
story."
�As you say,� the voice said with a slight lift of his
shoulders as he began moving his fingers over her back slowly. �Then what do
you need, Aida? Tell me, please.�
"What do you mean?"
�Oh I don�t know. I want to make you happy. Tell me what I
need to do to make you happy.�
"I believe that's what started our earlier
argument," she mumbled.
He frowned. �I�m sorry. I do not mean to bring it up. I
just�I want to please you, Aida. I want to know what you want of me and I want
to try and do it. You deserve more from me than lies and deception. I should
never have done that,� he murmured, meaning Sands
should never have done that. How could he have been so
callous and hurtful towards such a fragile and beautiful creature as her?
Aida was silent for a long minute before she hesitantly
said, "I miss how things were when we first met. You were more playful.
Not that the circumstances now are anything alike," she hastened to add.
"I mean, it's hard to be playful under all this stress..." But things
had been different for a long time now. At least since Valencia had popped
up. Perhaps since
before that.
�You miss simply being together for the sake of fun and
love, not some sort of obligation. You don�t need to be ashamed of wanting
that, Aida. You never need to be ashamed of wanting things from me. All you
need to do is ask and I will do my best to give you want you want. Yes, things
have been rather�stressful lately, but I can�t help but think things will
become even more strained between us if I do not realise that I should not be
neglecting you as I put forth my time to other matters. Everything else pales
in comparison to my love for you, Aida. And I�m sorry if I haven�t always shown
that.�
"You're being poetic again," she commented, a soft
smile on her lips.
�Yes, well I�d say something foolish like
�you seem to inspire me,� but I�d rather not be digging myself any deeper than
I already am.�
She laughed.
He smiled. �If making a slight fool of myself
is enough to get you to laugh again, then I shall not have quite as many
objections in the future regarding it.�
"You're being very proper too."
�I am? Is that good or bad?�
"It's different."
�Oh. Should I stop?�
"It's not bothering me if that's what you're
asking."
�Oh. Well alright,� he said with a small smile. �You are
always telling me not to curse so much. Salida tells Jeffrey pretty much the
same thing. It was bound to stick sooner or later.� He paused and laughed a
little. �Not that it will probably last, I�m afraid. Oh well. I�m trying.�
"I appreciate that," she whispered.
�I know. That�s why I�m doing it. I wasn�t lying before when
I said I only wish to make you happy, Aida. I would do anything for you.�
Instead of answering, she kissed his chin.
He smiled but it was a smile tinged with mild confusion.
�What was that for?�
"For being you."
�Oh. Well�thank you,� he said, his smile growing wider as he
told himself that she was actually thanking him for being who he was, not for
pretending to be Sands.
Aida shook her head and kissed his chin again before laying
her head back down on the bed.
�Would you�I mean,� he faltered, not wanting to ask, but
desperate to. �Kiss me Aida, please.�
She kissed his jaw this time, letting her lips linger, but
keeping the pressure just as light as ever.
�More, please Aida. Ever more. I can�t get enough you,� he whispered
breathlessly.
She kissed the underside of his chin, then
nuzzled her face into his neck, sighing with contentment.
The voice let out a soft moan at the contact, having never
known such pleasure. It was unthinkable and all she was doing was kissing him.
�Please, Aida. Let me kiss you. Let me love you.�
"Okay."
With slow, sensual gestures, he moved so that he was atop of
her, kissing the sides of her neck and shoulder while his hands moved down her
arms. He breathed in her scent and became lost in it as his fingers found the
buttons of her shirt and deftly undid them. Once her shirt had been spread to
her sides, he pulled back and looked down at her, fully appreciating what he
saw. �Exquisite,� he breathed. �I am a very lucky man.�
She gave him a wry grin. "Yes. Now, if I can only get
you to remember that."
�I dare say I won�t be forgetting any time soon,� he
murmured as he began kissing the contour of her ear, his hands finding and
kneading her breasts slowly.
"You'd better not," she sighed, relaxing into his
touch.
�I promise I won�t. With you at my side, how could I?� he
said as he moved down her bare skin, leaving a trail of scorching kisses in his
wake.
"I'm underneath you, silly. Not at your side."
Despite the flippancy of her words, Aida found her body arching towards his.
He sighed in pure contentment to feel that, and only kept on
kissing her. �You�re like a ripe peach just waiting to be plucked. I�m utterly
smitten, Aida,� he whispered, his fingers moving under the waistband of her
pants to delicately caress what lie beneath.
"I like peaches," she said somewhat mindlessly.
�So do I,� he said with a smile as
he pulled down her pants and panties in a single gesture and accepted what he
had to offer. He wanted to do this for her. He needed to do this for her. He needed to show her that she was to be
cherished and protected and loved. Above all things, she needed to be loved.
Aida gasped, and clung to his hands for what seemed like hours
until the waves of sensation and pleasure finally abated. Then she lay gasping on the bed, her eyes
closed, her body filmed in a light sweat.
�Are you alright, Aida?� he asked, lifting his head to look
at her with a mild amount of worry. He was decidedly uncomfortable lying on top
of a now throbbing erection that would probably be denied now, but he didn�t
care. She was his priority. The demands of the flesh could wait.
She nodded weakly as she wondered if her imagination was
fooling her. Because it certainly seemed like that had been the most intense
release she'd had in a long time.
He smiled. �Good,� he said, and laid a gentle kiss on her
inner thigh before laying his head down on his stomach and closing his eyes,
trying to put his own desires out of his mind.
"That was...rather amazing," she admitted. If she
hadn't been so flushed already, she would have blushed.
He smiled against her stomach. �I�m glad.� He was trying not
to feel smug, trying to remember that this was for her, but it was difficult.
And god, he still wanted her.
Her hands loosened in his hair, but she still held his head
gently, just keeping him against her.
He sighed softly into her skin. �I cherish you, Aida. I just
wanted you to know that.�
"I'm certainly getting the message."
�I hope so,� he murmured. �I am trying to be good to you,
Aida. I am trying to show you how much I can care for you.�
"Why?" Her
lazy fingers started to comb through his hair.
He gently shook his head, mindful of her fingers. �Because you deserve it.�
"Well, I'm not going to argue with you right now."
He just smiled.
A few minutes later, Aida asked, "Was that all you had
to show me?"
His head raised to look at her, his
eyes yearning. �I�didn�t want to ask. Not after what happened.�
She merely looked puzzled.
�We fought,� he clarified quickly.
"If that stopped us every time...? We'd never be in bed together."
�So you�re not�upset with me?�
"Not currently."
�And you wouldn�t mind if I told you than I�m just shy of
being desperate to have you,� he asked with a small smile.
"No. That's not out of the ordinary."
�Oh.� He moved slowly so that he was above her before casting
a halting glance in her direction as if to ask �are you sure?�
"We've had discussions about this, love," she
whispered, cupping his face in her hands.
�I just�wanted to be sure. I don�t like it when you�re upset
with me.�
"Well, I've given my permission, and I'm starting to
get more than a little frustrated."
She winked.
�Oh. Forgive me. We can�t have that,� he whispered and
quickly divested himself of his remaining clothes before thrusting into her
slowly, wanting to savor every second. Once they were joined he remained still,
bowing his forehead on her shoulder and letting his eyes drift shut. �Bliss. Heaven. The
purest ambrosia. There are no words.�
"You're using some anyway," she pointed out, a
smile on her lips.
He could only nod as his body began to move with hers in the
slow dance older than time itself, meeting her eyes and holding them as he
moved within her. He was bearing his soul to her, and he could only hope that
she would look deep into his eyes and nothing but love and devotion; not that
he was fraudulently claiming to be her husband.
His eyes mesmerized her. They were so dark and passionate;
full of both love and lust. They promised her things she couldn't name, and she
found herself accepting them without condition.
�Beautiful,� he gasped as his hands moved over her bare
shoulders and down the curve of her spine as he thrust into her. He pulled her
close with each movement of his hips, not wanting to let her pull away again.
He only wanted to hold her and never let go. He was drunk on ecstasy and
passion; on love and devotion. He knew he would do anything for her, without
question or hesitation. All she had to do was ask. The notion never occurred to
him that he was giving all these things to a woman who would never love him;
never care for him in the least like she did her husband. He simply didn�t
think about it. In his mind, what few parts of it were actually his, they only
had eyes for each other.
"Oh baby..." she moaned, wrapping her arms around
his shoulders and raising her head to kiss and nibble his neck. She wanted to
tell him that she hadn't felt like this since their honeymoon, but she couldn't
find the words or the breath to do so.
�Aida, my goddess,� he moaned himself at her warm mouth on
his neck. He had never experienced such a life-altering moment as this. It was
as if the world had sharpened and began to revolve around them alone. As if
there were no other two people on earth such as them. Time had no meaning.
There was only now and her. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her, he loved
her, he loved her�
"My love," she whispered back. "My
lover."
Hearing these words so passionately spoken only served to
make him love her all the more. This was beyond meaning. This was beyond love.
This was why he had striven for existence. This was worth existing for. If he
were to vanish tomorrow; if Sands were to find some way to dispatch him as he
had done the others, then this would have been more than worth his brief time
in existence. Not that he wouldn�t fight for her, though.
Sands didn�t deserve her. He never had. He treated her poorly, never fully
appreciating what he had been so freely gifted with. It wasn�t fair. And
suddenly, thoughts became incredibly redundant as she drove him to heights of
passion he had never dared to dream of, and he did the same to her.
Aida set up a soft chant of "Just a little more,"
in his ear as she approached release. Her voice urged him on just as her arms
around him and her legs gripping his hips did.
She didn't mean to - not really - she just couldn't stay silent.
�Anything�for�you,� he gasped, moving his wandering mouth to
hers to capture her in a vibrant, passionate kiss as the tempo of their bodies�
pleasure only increased. His breath was short and his head was spinning, but he
could only kiss her more as his hands held on for dear might before remembering
what she had asked for and moving to touch her in all the places he knew she
desired. He wanted to feel her come around him; wanted her to find her release
and fall forward into this arms, completely and
utterly boneless and full of passion and bliss and love and happiness as he
found his own slice of heaven within her.
Aida kissed him back passionately, growling in pleasure. Her
hands wandered, and her hips rocked until she couldn't stand it anymore and she
came with a long, loud groan.
Stars danced before his eyes as he had no choice but to
follow his angel, his goddess, his treasure into passion mere moments after she
herself had become lost to it. He moaned freely, wanting to express the width
and breadth of his passion. He wanted her to know what she did to him. He
wanted her to know how he was hopelessly lost within her. She must have gotten
the idea, because his moan was swallowed in a hungry kiss that was more than a
little rough from both of their perspectives. He hadn�t wanted to hurt her, but
the urge to bite at her lip as he rode out his pleasure was practically
overwhelming.
When they finally broke the kiss, Aida let her head fall
back onto the pillow and she smiled serenely up at him.
He wanted to return that smile, oh how he wanted to, but he
couldn�t. �I�m�I�m sorry, Aida. I have wronged you.�
Her smile faded.
"Sands...I don't want to talk about that anymore. Not now."
His composure cracked even more. �I know you will never
forgive me, but please listen. I love you, Aida. He doesn�t deserve you. I will
be good to you, Aida. Better than he ever was. I worship and adore you, Aida.
You don�t need him. Please, say you�ll stay with me.�
"Sands? What are you talking
about?" Aida was beginning to feel worried now. "Is this about me
talking with Jeffrey? Why would that bother you? You know that he's devoted to
Salida."
He pulled away from her then, no longer able to meet her
eyes. �I�m not Sands,� he said softly.
"What?" Aida's heart made one great leap before
practically stopping. Her face turned
white, she couldn't quite catch her breath... "You?"
He closed his eyes and winced, utterly disgusted with
himself. �I would say I�m sorry, but you�re not likely to believe me, so I
shall refrain. I have done you a great injustice and I fear I shall be paying
for it for the rest of my existence. I have tricked you, Aida. I have wronged
you. You might�� he faltered. �You might put it so far as to say I�oh god�.I
raped you. That was never my intention! I only wanted to love you, Aida. And
you denied me. You denied everything I had to offer and I couldn�t stand it.
You deserved to be loved and cared for. You deserve a better man than him. I�m
not saying you deserve me, but I could show you such happiness, Aida. I would
do anything for you. Anything. I would give up
everything for you. All you had to do was ask. But now�now you will never trust
me again and your�husband will no
doubt kill me. But I would fight for you, Aida. I would fight him for you.�
Trembling with both fear and anger, Aida said, "It's
not up to you to decide what I deserve. I'm more than able to stand up for
myself."
He bowed his head even further, his shoulders heavy with
guilt and shame. �I never meant to force such decisions upon you, Aida,� he
whispered.
"You didn't force them on me." No, they had been ripped out of her hands.
Then it occurred to her what Sands was going to do when he found out and her
face went white.
�Yes, I did. I have effectively tricked you into having an
affair with me when you were nothing but innocent of the whole thing.� He
lifted his head as what had just occurred to him occurred to her as well. �I
won�t let him hurt you. I swear to you. I will take all the blame if it only
means you will be safe. It is all mine to take. You
are blameless. Only me. Only I was wretched enough to
do such a horrid thing. Only me.�
But she'd known that something was off about him. She should
have insisted... But he'd been so much like Sands had been. She'd wanted him to
be Sands.
�Say something Aida, please. I can�t bear your silence. I
would rather you curse at me than that.�
"Go. Go away. I need to think."
�If I go away, Sands is likely to show up, Aida,� he
whispered. �But I will do it if that is what you wish.�
"Yes. Yes, that would be good." She looked up at
him, her eyes agonized.
He had been half-glancing at her at that particular moment,
and happened to catch her look. �Oh god. What have I
done?� he gasped, his face slack in shock and horror. �I can�t leave. I can�t
let him hurt you, Aida. I won�t.�
"You have to."
�You don�t know that. He�s still lost. If he wasn�t, then I
wouldn�t remain.�
"But this is wrong. You have to go."
�But�what if he hurts you, Aida? I couldn�t bear that. Not
because of me and what I did.�
"He won't. He never has."
�And have you ever had an affair with someone before? No. Of
course you haven�t. You cannot predict how he will react, Aida. You don�t know
he won�t hurt you. You can�t.�
"I have to believe he won't," she whispered.
"I'm not about to give up on the man I married."
�Even if I swore to be everything you had ever desired?� he
asked softly.
Aida closed her eyes so he wouldn't see the longing in them.
"Go. Please." She couldn't take much more of this.
�Will I ever see you again?�
"I don't know." Aida winced; that was the wrong
answer. She should have given him an emphatic "No." Should have
crushed his hope because this was so very wrong...but the lure of seeing this
echo of her husband was strong.
He nodded dully and reached out to take her hands gently in
his and brought them up to his lips gently before she could think to pull them
away. �My name is Quentin,� he whispered. �And I will love you with every fibre of my being even after I am no more.�
"Don't," she moaned. "I shouldn't -"
�Shh,� he interrupted gently.
�Don�t speak of shouldn�t�s. I shouldn�t take such
liberties with you but I can�t help it. I adore you, Aida. I�love you enough to
let you go. I wish I could say that I would fight for you, but I fear that
would only bring you more grief and I would never want that.�
Tears burned her closed eyelids. "Go," she urged,
now pushing at him, albeit gently. "Please." I can't take much more of this. You're making me hope for things I
can't have.
He dropped her hands as if the scalded, his eyes drawn to
the tears that gathered at the corners of her eyes. �I-I�m sorry. I didn�t mean
it. Oh dear. Please don�t cry,� he begged her sorrowfully. �I will go. You will
never have to see me again. I have done far too much harm already. I am sorry,
Aida.� With that, he was gone only no one immediately rushed to fill the void in
Sands� consciousness. Instead someone, it might have been Sands, moaned and
fell backwards on to the bed, seemingly dead to the world as his eyes rolled up
into the back of his head.
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More Than Darkness