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More Than Darkness	By : SaMe Category: M through R > Once Upon A Time In Mexico Views: 4591 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the movie that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 8-8
- 9-9
- 10-10
- 11-11
- 12-12
- 13-13
- 14-14
- 15-15
- 16-16
- 17-17
- 18-18
- 19-19
- 20-20
- 21-21
- 22-22
- 23-23
- 24-24
- 25-25
- 26-26
- 27-27
- 28-28
- 29-29
- 30-30
- 31-31
- 32-32
- 33-33
- 34-34
- 35-35
- 36-36
- 37-37
- 38-38
- 39-39
- 40-40
- 41-41
- 42-42
- 43-43
- 44-44
- 45-45
- 46-46
- 47-47
- 48-48
- 49-49
- 50-50
- 51-51
- 52-52
- 53-53
- 54-54
- 55-55
- 56-56
- 57-57
- 58-58
- 59-59
- 60-60
- 61-61
- 62-62
- 63-63
- 64-64
- 65-65
- 66-66
- 67-67
- 68-68
- 69-69
- 70-70
- 71-71
- 72-72
- 73-73
- 74-74
- 75-75
- 76-76
- 77-77
- 78-78
- 79-79
- 80-80
- 81-81
- 82-82
- 83-83
- 84-84
- 85-85
- 86-86
- 87-87
- 88-88
- 89-89
- 64
- 65
- 66
"Do we really have to move to
Oslo?" she asked, almost whining.
Sands gave her an indulgent smile
as he laid down on the bed next to her, immediately
wrapping his arms around her thin form. He had missed her terribly and now
didn�t want to let her go. �We can go wherever you like, spitfire. I just chose
Oslo because I�ve never been there before. But there are a lot of places I�ve
never been Aida. If you want to choose somewhere else, that�s fine.�
"Can't we go someplace where I
at least speak the language?" she asked.
Sands tilted his head in a prone
imitation of a shrug. �If you like. What languages do
you speak?� he asked, not wanting to assume that she only spoke English.
She smacked him in the chest. "Very funny, wise guy."
He gave the same imitation shrug
again. �You do realise that in most countries in Europe now you can get by with
only speaking English. But we can go to the United Kingdom if you want. Hell,
we could even go to New Zealand or Australia or a handful more countries. It
doesn�t have to be Europe. I truly have no preference as to where we go. Just as long as we don�t stay here.�
"You promised to take me to
New York someday though.�
Sands nodded. �To see Broadway;
yes, I remember. And I will take you there, Aida. But it�s not safe right now.
The East Coast isn�t safe. I�ve made too many enemies there. But I promise you,
I will take you there. And not someday, but soon.�
"I don't have a
passport." Aida didn't know why she was being so...whiney...but she
couldn't stop. Being forced to leave her home was one thing. It was another
thing altogether to have to leave the country she was born in.
�You know we�ll take care of that,
so what�s the real thing that�s bothering you? You don�t want to leave to US do
you?� Sands asked, trying very hard not to sigh.
"Why would you say that?"
she murmured. "It's best for you if we leave."
�Yes, it is. But
what about you, Aida? What�s best for you?� he asked, pulling back a
little so her entire face was in his light of sight and looking at her
seriously, his brow furrowing at the question.
"Being with you," she
whispered, ducking her head.
�That�s too easy an answer,� he
muttered, reaching out to lift her chin. �Look at me, Aida. Tell me. Tell me
what�s best for you. I�m not so selfish that I won�t hear you out.�
"You're best for me."
Sands shook his head.
"Yes you are."
�No, I�m not,� he insisted softly,
taking his turn now to duck his head.
"Yes you are," she said
more insistently. "Stop sounding like my mother."
Sands looked up at her then, his
face a picture of confusion. �I sound like your mother?�
"She doesn't think you're good
for me at all. But she doesn't know you like I do."
Sands frowned at that, shaking his
head slightly. How could she not think he wasn�t any good for her if she knew
him as well as she said she did?
"Don't look at me like
that," she whispered. "You saved my life."
�Yeah,� he murmured. �I did. But I
also ruined it.�
"No you didn't."
�Aida, I�ve forced you from you
home, turned you into a fugitive, and shattered whatever rapport you were
reclaiming with your parents.�
"I've always wanted to travel,
always wanted to be famous, and I didn't belong back home anymore anyway."
Sands just shook his head again,
determined in his own mind that she must be lying to herself.
"I don't want to talk about
this, Sands. It's a little too late to be regretting things now."
That just made
him feel worse. �Alright,� he said softly. �I won�t bring it up again.�
"But you're not going to stop
thinking about it." Aida sighed and pushed herself away from him. "Let
me know when you're done beating yourself up."
�Don�t�� he almost asked her not to
leave, but he caught himself. He knew how it upset her to have him say that at
times like these. He sighed and rolled over on his back, staring up at the
ceiling. �I�m sorry. I don�t know why I get like this. I just�I�m sorry,� he
murmured.
"I know, Sands. But what am I
supposed to do? I can't talk you out of thinking about whatever is making you
sad, and you won't let me comfort you." She sighed again. "I'll be in
the shower if you decide to stop it."
�If you want to comfort me, then do
it. Don�t go,� he murmured, not meeting her eyes. He didn�t want her to go, but
he didn�t really feel like being comforted either. But the desire not to see
her go outweighed that.
"You won't let me comfort you, my love."
�I don�t want you to leave,� he
murmured more to himself that to her.
It was the only way she knew how to
snap him out of his doldrums though, so she left anyway. She stripped and
climbed into the shower; the hot water was soothing, but not as soothing as
seeing him come to her would be.
Sands sort of crumpled in on
himself as he just sat very still on the bed, now convinced that
he had done something wrong. She wouldn�t have just left after he had asked her
not to otherwise. While he might have done a few good things for her, yes, the
bad things he had put her through far outweighed the good in his mind. He had
forced her into becoming something he had never wanted to be. He had poisoned
her innocence just by his very presence alone. And her innocence was one of the
things he loved most about her. She would never have that again. Never. It was lost and could not be reclaimed. No, her
mother was right. It would have been better if they had never met. She would
have survived. She had done it before. She would have found someone to love
her; to give her the kind of life she deserved. It wasn�t right, it wasn�t
fair, but there was nothing he could do about. He loved her too much to let her
go so therefore he damned her alongside him.
Aida showered slowly, wanting to give
Sands time to come to her. It didn't matter if he was still depressed or not,
because if he at least took the first step, that meant he was willing to let go
of things.
Sands didn�t want to go to her. He
was still of the mind that he brought nothing but grief to her life, but he
couldn�t stand to be without her. He hated being alone. He hated it when she
left him like this. It made him feel like he�d been fucking abandoned;
something else he hated. He knew these probably weren�t normal reactions to her
just getting up to take a shower without him, but he couldn�t help it. He found
himself wandering towards the sound of the water even before he could decide he
needed to be with her again.
Aida heard him come in, but he
hadn't announced himself. She knew she was being hard on him, but she wanted
him to take as many steps without her as he could.
He made it to the bathroom slowly
and stopped in the middle of the slightly damp tile from Aida�s steamy shower.
He couldn�t see her through the shower curtain but he could hear her moving
under the spray of the water and it pained him. He wanted nothing more than to
join her, but he couldn�t. He couldn�t do it. But he couldn�t turn back and go
into the bedroom after coming so close to her either. He was stuck. He could
neither go forward nor go back. Limbo. Pure, hellish limbo. He felt his face tighten into a mask of
grief and indecision, not knowing what else to do. He didn�t deserve her touch,
and yet he couldn�t live without it either. He was torn apart by the situation
and he couldn�t stand it. �Aida?� Oh god, had that really been his voice? It
sounded no better than a whimper and he couldn�t help but be immediately shamed
by it. He was stronger than this. She wasn�t mad at him. Not really. And so
what if he didn�t deserve her? He took what he wanted, didn�t he? He loved her
and she loved him. Why wasn�t that enough?
The line of reasoning he had been
attempting to follow dropped out from under him, leaving a sick hollow in the
pit of his stomach. He remained where he was.
"I'm right here, Sands. I want
to always be right here. But you have to come to me this time."
�Tell me to and I will,� he said
softly.
"I can't," she replied,
sadness in her voice. "You need
to do this. I'm waiting for you, but you need to do this."
�Why? What difference does it
make?� he muttered, staring down at the damp floor since he felt stupid talking
to a shower curtain.
"You have to be able to come
to me. To accept my comfort. If I call to you, I'll be
letting you off the hook because you'll be doing it to make me happy and not to
help you let go of whatever you're thinking."
Just
tell me to come and I will, Aida, he silently pleaded with her. But he knew
it was no use. She wouldn�t do it. God, he felt like a shit for it, but he
couldn�t help but hate her a little for that. Comfort or coldness? Love or loneliness?
Make your choice. Sands chose.
Very, very slowly he undressed
himself and moved to join his wife in an almost timid manner. His general
confident, decisive, controlling self was screaming at him for being a pussy,
but he tried to ignore it. I can�t help
it! Stop yelling at me!
He stepped into the shower, only
absently remembering to close the shower curtain behind him and just looked at
her. No, looked was too poor a word. He drank the sight of her in like a man on
the verge of dying of thirst.
She turned to him and held her arms
out. There wasn't even a hint of a smile on her face, but somehow she seemed
very welcoming.
Sands didn�t so much move to her as
he practically fell into her arms and
hung on tightly as if she were the only thing left keeping him from falling to
his death. He didn�t say a word, he just closed his
eyes and let himself feel her against him in such a display of pure affection
that his mind balked at it.
"Shh...I'm
right here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not going
anywhere. Because my place is with you. Even if we stay in Oslo, or wherever we're going. Shh, it's alright. Alright..."
Sands just held her tighter, not
trusting himself to speak. He could still feel the
pain of what she had made him do raging throughout him; bright and hot and
sharp. It threatened to send him to his knees. Voices silent until now picked
up on his moment of weakness and rushed into reassure him ever so calmly that
this was a all a lie. She would never really love him for what he had done to
her. She couldn�t. No one could. He wasn�t someone to be loved. That was the
way things always had been and always would be. Wasn�t it? He didn�t know. He
didn�t want to know. All he wanted to know was Aida; her naked body pressed
against his, no thoughts of fuck her,
take her hard, do it for yourself, do it for me, you need this, you want this,
you know you do. �Well, ok, maybe a few. But mostly he just wanted to hold
her and be held in return. Oh how he wanted that.
Aida fell silent and squeezed him
more tightly. She didn't think he could hear her anyway. Instead she settled
for rubbing his back in what she hoped was a soothing manner, and pressing her
lips against his shoulder.
No, no, no! He couldn�t do this. He couldn�t just stand here like a child
and let her comfort him. He didn�t need her comfort. He�d be fine on his own.
He always was, he always would be. People died in
their own arms. This was the way of the world. Comfort and peace and protection
was a lie. A beautiful and convincing lie, but a lie
nonetheless. He couldn�t do this. He had to make his own comfort. He couldn�t
count on her being there to put the pieces back together when he cracked. He
would just have to learn how to live without those pieces. He had known it
once; he could learn it again. He stiffened in her arms and moved away from
her. �I�m sorry, Aida,� he said reflexively. �I�m alright now.�
She looked at him sadly. "No
you're not. But I'm not going to force
myself on you if you don't want me."
The words I don't need you immediately came to his lips, and he even opened
his mouth to say them�and stopped. He couldn't say it. It was a lie. He needed
her and yet he couldn't. He wanted her comfort and yet he knew he didn't deserve
it. He wanted her protection yet he took care of himself. "I don't�I don't
know what I need, Aida. I don't. It's all�backwards. Need, self-reliance, love,
loneliness, comfort, strength, I don't know what I need. I don't know how to
not take care of myself," he said slowly. He didn't know how else to
explain it than that.
"I'll be here when you figure
it out, then," she whispered.
�I�ve�I�ve had to take care of
myself for so long, Aida. So very long. The only
person who ever cared about me was�me. It�s�difficult to teach myself
different. A part of me is still waiting for the dream to end.�
"And I can't promise you that
it won't." She closed her eyes and sighed. Once or twice she opened her
mouth to say something, but in the end she just turned back into the spray of
the shower. It hid her tears at least.
Sands� face fell a little before he
forced his expression blank and leaned against the cold wall of the shower, not
saying a word. He stayed in this position for a few minutes, staring at a space
across the spray of the water, his eyes glazed and emotionless. Then,
practically startling himself with the suddenness of his actions, he reached
out to Aida and spun her quickly, bringing her in for a kiss that was beyond
passion. There was nothing emotionless or unfeeling about it. It was as if
every emotion he previously hadn�t been feeling exploded into the kiss. He
finally pulled back; breathless, and looked down at her, his eyes now open and
bare to his very soul. He loved her. He needed that love. He needed to show her that love.
She stroked the side of his face,
the well of her own emotions showing in her eyes. How much she'd missed him. How
uncertain she was about their future. How tired she was of not being well. How
much she loved him.
Sands couldn�t help it. He kissed
her again, his hands clenching into rigid fists at his side as he pushed his
tongue past her lips and deepened the kiss, turning it into something powerful
and bruising. He didn�t care. He needed this.
Aida backed into the warm stream of
the water, and tried to gentle him. Her hands tried to soothe him even as her
body heated with slow arousal and her behavior became slightly subordinate.
Sands refused to be gentled. He
didn�t want it. He wanted her. He needed her. All the emotions he had been
bottling up came pouring out of him without pause or any sign of stopping. He
needed an outlet for those emotions. He needed her to give that to him. He only
kept kissing her hard, not trying to hurt but not holding back
either.
"What is it?" she asked
against his lips when she pulled away for a breath of air.
�What is what?� he asked, his voice rough with longing and desire.
"What changed?"
�I don�t know,� he answered,
assuming she meant his abrupt shift from brooding to kissing. �I just wanted to
kiss you. I still want to kiss you.�
She smiled faintly and brushed a
soft kiss against the corner of his mouth. "Far be it from me to argue
with that kind of reasoning," she whispered.
The soft kiss only served to
inflame his passion once more, and he was kissing her again with just as much
passion and intensity as he had been before. He tasted blood, figured her had
bitten her lip and cursed himself for it, but didn�t stop kissing her. In fact,
the shock of it on his tongue only served to spur him on further until he had
pushed her through the spray of the shower against the wall, the water angling
over their heads to catch his back as he propped a hand on either side of her,
trapping her against him.
The touch of cold tile against her
back made Aida reflexively arch away from the wall, which only pressed her wet
body against her husband's. Ohhh... she
thought dazedly, feeling the evidence of his impatience. All thoughts of taming
her very much beloved beast were forgotten, and she decided to just join him
since there was no hope of her beating him.
Sands sucked and licked at her
bottom lip, his tongue having found the source of the blood there. Once more
the fact that the taste of blood on his tongue turned him on gave him pause,
but he pressed on. When compared to some of his other�quirks, that particular
one didn�t seem to matter. When she had arched against him, every part of him
that her body had come into contact with seemed to buzz with the sensation, his
heavy arousal sandwiched between their bodies in a curiously pleasant
sensation. His hands had joined in with his impatient kisses; determined to
simply touch every part of her warm, wet skin that he could. He wasn�t touching
to arouse; he was selfishly unconcerned for her own
pleasure, he was touching simply to touch.
His hands were a little rough,
grabbing and touching her with uncompromising strength. She could feel just how frustrated he was
getting with just simple touches, but she wasn't quite ready to move on yet. "Sands,"
she gasped, pulling away from him.
Sands didn�t want to stop, but her
hands were insistent, pressing against his shoulders. �What? Aida, don�t
fucking stop. Don�t leave me like this,� he growled at her, disbelieving what
he was seeing. Couldn�t she see that he needed this? He saw how swollen her
lips were; blood still welling up in the cut he had made on her bottom lip, but
he didn�t care. He hadn�t meant to hurt her, but he didn�t have it in him to be
gentle now.
Her brows drew together a little in
hurt at his cursing at her and his assumptions, and her hands gentled on him. "I
wasn't asking you to stop," she whispered.
�Oh,� Sands said with a small
frown. �What�s wrong then?�
"Nothing.
Nothing, I'm fine." She gave him a lopsided smile.
�Then why did you stop me?�
"Just needed
to breathe." Just because she was having a few problems with her
libido at the moment was no reason to stop him. After all, they'd been carrying
on like this for more than a few weeks now and he hadn't minded.
�Oh. Can I still kiss you? I�ll
still let you breathe, I promise,� he asked hopefully.
She smiled and nodded.
He only waited long enough to see
her nod before moving in to kiss her again, this time bypassing her mouth to
kiss down the curve of her neck, stopping at her shoulder before kissing across
her collarbone and back up the other side of her neck to complete the circuit.
He was still not fully aware of her own needs and desires, only knowing that he wanted to kiss her neck, her chest,
her breasts, everything he could. If that aroused in the process it was simply
a side affect in his lust fogged mind.
Aida sighed and leaned back against
the wall. Now that she'd distracted herself, she could say with something
resembling certainty that Sands would be the only one getting off tonight, but
she didn't mind. It was enough just to be with him.
Sands lifted his head at her sighed
and frowned curiously. �What? What�s wrong? Do you want me to stop?� he asked
with a resigned sigh, letting his hands fall to his sides. At least he was
already in the shower. It�d be easier to take a cold one that way. God, he
didn�t want to fucking care. He wanted her; badly. But know that he�d forced
himself to become aware of her instead of taking everything for himself, he couldn�t force her to do something she didn�t
want to do. He�d live. Probably.
"No, it's okay. I want you to
feel better." She stroked his face again, her hand seemingly drawn to the
slight stubble there. "Remember? I once told you that all I could offer
was my ears and my body."
�You�re not a prostitute, Aida.
You�re my wife. I wouldn�t use you like that. I�ll be alright.�
"I don't mind, Sands. Really. It's the chemo still. I'm not going to have much of
a libido for months probably. It's enough that I get to be close to you."
It was Sands� turn to sigh. �I�m
sorry, Aida.� His body was screaming at him to be selfish, to take her despite
her problems, but he couldn�t. He felt the guilt of before filling back into
him and frowned. It wasn�t right that he got everything while she got nothing.
It just wasn�t.
"Sands, I want you to. The
point of making love is to express love, right?"
Not the way he had been meaning it
before. �I suppose.�
"No matter how you act while
we're having sex, I always feel loved."
Sands gave her a small smile at
that. �I appreciate that, Aida. But I can�t. I want to, but I just can�t. It�s
not fair to you.�
"And it's fair to make you
stay celibate until my screwed up body decides to work again?"
Sands shrugged.
Aida just shook her head. "Fine. If that's what you want."
�It�s not,� he murmured.
"Then what do you want?!"
Angrily, Aida swiped at eyes that were tearing without her permission.
Sands recoiled a little at her
yell, his body growing tense. �Don�t cry, Aida. I�m sorry. I just want you. Only you. All of you. Even your
tears if that�s what you�re offering me.�
"I'm offering you everything,
but you're making me feel like it's not enough." Why should it be? He who
could buy anything he wanted, even a healthy woman who could more than respond to
him in the way he wanted.
�I�m sorry, Aida. I�m a selfish
bastard,� he murmured, wincing a little as he cursed
on top of everything. �I don�t know what I want. I want to make love to you
very badly�but it seems like all I�m doing is taking from you if you can�t take
your own pleasure from me. I don�t know. It�s�stupid. Making love is more than
just taking pleasure from each other. Its about
expressing love. You were right when you said that. I just�I sometimes forget.
I�m sorry.�
"If you want to do it, then
do. If you don't, then don't. If you want to wait, I'll still be here later. But
right now I'm turning into a prune, so I'm going to dry off."
He shook his head slowly. It was
obvious from his state of arousal that he clearly still wanted her, but not
now. The mood had been effectively ruined, and he only had himself to blame. He
reached over to turn off the water, not bothering with a cold shower because he
truly didn�t want one despite everything. That, and a
part of him was still holding out for release in his wife�s arms. He sighed,
and followed his wife out of the shower, grabbing the towel she had been about
to grab and wrapping it around her. He dried her gently, not caring that he
himself was dripping all over the floor. Just because he didn�t want to make
love to her right now didn�t mean that he could automatically turn off or
ignore the strong desire to touch her. He moved a thumb across her bottom lip
gently, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth as he saw how swollen it
was. �Sorry,� he murmured, seeing where he had bitten it.
She smiled and relaxed a little in
his arms. "You're not the only one who likes blood. Remember?"
A corner of his mouth turned up
again and he smiled a little in remembrance. �I do indeed. And yet, you still
like your burgers charred beyond all recognition. I don�t understand that.�
"And you like yours raw,"
she teased.
�Not quite. I still like them
warm,� he said wryly.
"Oh, so not
only raw but fresh off the cow." She grinned, and teased him by
mooing at him a few times.
�Keep that up and I�ll be inclined
to start calling you a heifer,� he warned playfully.
"Yeah, if by heifer you mean
'hey look, I can count not only your ribs but all your
vertebra as well.'" Aida sighed.
�Don�t do that, Aida,� he said with
a sigh of his own. �I�m supposed to be the pessimistic one, remember? You�ll
get better.�
"Not fast enough. If I had to
have sex with me, I'd want to make sure I did it in the dark."
�Stop it,� Sands commanded with a
frown. �If you won�t let me sulk in peace then I won�t let you either. You�re
beautiful, Aida. That will never change.�
"Look at me," she
demanded, dropping the towel and holding her hands out from her sides. "I
look like a famine victim. You can practically see my liver."
�I am looking at you, Aida. I always have been. And my opinion hasn�t
changed.�
"I'm sick, Sands," she
whispered as goose bumps sprouted on her skin. She wrapped her arms around her
and sighed.
�I know you are, Aida. I�ve known
that almost as long as I�ve known you.� He moved across the tile to her,
wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. �And it has changed nothing. Every moment I have with you is
to be treasured. And I know we will have many more.�
"I want to be healthy again. I
want to be able to do all the things we said we would."
�You will, Aida. You will.�
"I want to do it now." She rested her head on his shoulder in
frustration.
�I know you do, my love,� he said
softly, holding her in his arms. �And I wish I could do that for you. I wish
that every day.�
"Can we go to bed?" she
asked in a subdued voice. "All this frustration is making me tired."
Sands nodded and led her into the
bedroom, gesturing for her to crawl underneath the covers while he stood and
wrung the water out of his wet hair onto the carpet. He then crawled in beside
her, not bothering to get dressed, his hair still wet upon the pillow. �Get
some rest, Aida.� He had a feeling he wouldn�t be sleeping-not with a fucking
raging hard-on settled against his belly-but that was alright. He didn�t sleep
much anyway.
"I didn't sleep well when you
were away. I'm used to at least having
you asleep in the next room."
�I was forced to every night so
Jeffrey and sunrise could have their�time
together,� he murmured.
"We did the same thing when it
was...our turn." Thinking about her
family made Aida even more depressed.
�I called your father,� Sands said
suddenly, now knowing why he hadn�t told her before now. Oh right, he had been
wallowing in his own guilt and then mad with lust. In fact, he was still mad with lust, but he was trying
to ignore that fact.
"You did?" Aida wasn't
sure how she felt about that.
�Before I came
here. I guess�I wanted to explain myself.�
"Why?" It wouldn't change
their minds. She was still the prodigal daughter.
�I don�t know. I guess I felt I
owed him that much. He told me that I didn�t deserve you. He was right. He also
told me to take care of you and that he loved you, Aida.�
"He said that?" she
whispered.
�Yes, he did. Every
word.�
"He's...he's not mad at
me?"
�No. He�s more upset with me than
anyone, but I think he was somewhat�relieved that I called. He told me that at
least he had the comfort of knowing I loved you.�
"Did he say how Momma's
handling this?"
�He said that she�s having a hard
time accepting everything, but that she still loves you, Aida.�
Aida was crying silently by this
time. "He gave his blessing."
�I think he did, yes. In his own
way,� Sands said softly.
"Momma must be furious with
him," she laughed wetly.
Sands shrugged. He didn�t know the
answer to that one.
"I'll have to call. Sometime."
Sands nodded slowly.
"Thank you," she
whispered, moving closer to him.
�You�re welcome, Aida,� he said
with a half-smile, raising a an arm so that she could
rest her head on his shoulder. Being this close was akin to torture given the
fact that his arousal was nowhere near to fading, but he endured. He liked
holding her. He told himself that that was enough.
"I think it would have been
years before I worked up the courage to call."
�I don�t believe that. You�re brave
and stubborn and you love your parents. You would have called them sooner
rather than later.�
"How long did it take me this
last time? And I wasn't even married to a..." She trailed off.
�To a what?
To a sociopath? To a schizophrenic?
To a murderer? You can say it, Aida. It�s the truth.�
She stayed silent.
�Will you not say it because saying
it out loud makes it real?� Sands asked with a sigh. �No, it doesn�t matter.
Forget I said anything.�
"You know I've said it." Aida's
voice was barely audible.
�I know.� He matched her tone.
"And you know that I don't
really mind the...the mental illness bit. Just the results of
it."
He hadn�t known that, actually. Not
really. But he understood it. �Alright.�
"You didn't know that?"
she questioned, looking up at him. "I could live happily with the fact
that you're schizophrenic, and even that you're
sociopathic, if only you didn't have the unfortunate habit of�of..."
�Killing people? No, I guess I
didn�t know that.�
"Oh..."
�Thank you for telling me that,
Aida,� he whispered.
"I always thought you
knew."
He shrugged. �Maybe I didn�t want
to accept it.�
"Why? I thought this would be
a good thing."
�I don�t know. I guess I kind
of�idolize you a little Aida. I put you on a pedestal as something pure and
innocent and good. The fact that you accept those things about me tends to war
with the image a little.� He shrugged again, almost wishing he hadn�t said
anything.
"Why? I would think it would enhance it, that I
accept things that other women might not."
He shrugged again. �More often than
not I don�t make a lot of sense, even to myself, Aida. You should know that
about me by now.�
"But you're glad you know
now?"
�Yes,� he said knowing he was and
yet surprised by the reaction all the same.
"I'm glad. I suppose I should have told you a long time
ago."
�Don�t worry about it. It�s enough
now.�
"But didn't you ever wonder
why I didn't complain?"
�I figured you just didn�t want to
talk about it,� he murmured.
She shook her head. "No."
�No what? No you didn�t want to
talk about it? Or no that wasn�t the reason.�
"That wasn't the reason. I
don't mind talking about it."
�Oh. Alright,� Sands said, not sure if he believed that, but having no reason to
doubt it.
"I just thought that perhaps
you didn't want to."
�Sometimes I do. Most
of the time I do not. I�m the
one who doesn�t like admitting it because admitting it makes it real. Foolish I
know, but I can�t seem to help that.� There were a lot of things he did that he
couldn�t seem to help.
"We're all foolish at times,
and I can't exactly give you a lecture for doing something that I do
myself."
�I guess,� Sands murmured propping
his head up on his bent arm and staring up at the ceiling. He wasn�t tired in
the least and more than a little sexually frustrated but willing to agree with
that for the moment.
"Well, there are some things that we more easily agree
on," Aida murmured, tracing the muscles of his arm.
�Oh? Like what?� he asked, trying not to focus too much on
her touch in case she was dong it absentmindedly.
"Like how nice it is to be
together." She didn't want to deny him her body if that was what he
wanted. She'd missed him, and it wasn't as if he ever hurt her.
Sands nodded slightly, tilting his
head to look at her. The desire in his eyes was blatant, and yet he made no
move toward her.
"I don't mind," she
whispered. "It's enough just to be
close to you."
�Are you sure?� he asked just as
softly, his eyes lit with dark fire. God, he still wanted her. He would always
want her.
"If I wasn't sure, I'd be
asleep."
Sands gave her a quick nod before
practically sliding across the bed to her, rolling her gently in his arms so
that he was above her; his still wet hair hanging limply around his face. He
stared down at her for a moment longer before pressing his lips to hers with no
less passion than he had had in the shower. If anything, his arousal had only
filled his every thought as he had denied it. He wanted to find peace in her
arms. He needed to. He wanted to show
her just how much he loved her by the movements of his body and the words from
his lips.
Aida kissed him back with no less
passion but with much less hurry. After all, she and he would not be reaching
the same destination so she might as well enjoy the journey. And the scenery, she thought as she
lightly ran her fingers up and down his arms.
While Sands� body was practically
begging him to take her, to ease his suffering, he held back. He wanted to
worship her properly before giving into his baser needs and desires. He had
better control than this. It was about time he remembered that.
He covered her body in
feather-light kisses and gentle touches, needing to feel her skin beneath his
fingertips as if he were recovering from a long bout of sensory deprivation. He
couldn�t get enough of her. The curve of her spine, the arch of her breasts,
even the feel of her ribs as she was clearly too thin drove him to the heights
of arousal and beyond. Kissing her, he licked a wet trail between her breasts up
to the hollow of her throat simply because he wanted to. He needed to taste
her. He needed everything and more. And by god, he was going to take it.
But Aida hated the reminders of how
stick-like she'd become, and as a result, she started to respond less and less
to her husband, although she never stopped being anything less than accepting. If
she couldn't ease his mental anguish, she could at least grant him a physical
release that would give him a night's rest.
�I love you, Aida,� he murmured,
completely unaware of her own distress as he was lost in a whirlwind of
sensation and lust. �You�re beautiful. Beautiful,� he murmured between kisses.
His control began to slip as with each movement of his head over her neck he
unintentionally brought his stiff arousal between her legs, gasping a little
each time he did it. �Touch me,� he gasped at her, wanting to feel her touch
him as much as he wanted to touch her.
She wasn't beautiful, but she could
touch him. Wanted to touch him. And she did.
Her warm palms first gently circled
his neck before running down his back. And from there they went everywhere, her
fingertips fascinated by the silken and satiny textures of his skin.
Sands let out a mixture of a moan,
a gasp and a sigh as he felt her warm fingers insistently pressing on flesh and
muscle and bone; each touch so hot he felt for sure he�d see burn marks in her
path. He stilled for a moment, his immediate need for released forgotten in a
brief instant as he lost himself in her touch.
"Tell me how much you love me
again," she demanded, stilling her touch.
Part of her frowned at playing power games right now, but the rest of
her pressed forward. At least she could
hear this.
�I love you, I love you, I love
you,� he moaned without hesitation, his brow furrowing as he frowned at the
loss of her touch. �So much,� he continued, thinking that it wasn�t enough and
needing her touch again. �More than everything. More than anything. I love you.�
"Stop telling me how beautiful
I am," she asked quietly.
If she had demanded it of him, he
might have complied with her request. As it was, he gasped out a why, telling
her that she was beautiful.
"Stop," she whispered
forcefully. "I'm not. And you saying it over and over only reminds me that
I'm not. It doesn't help, Sands."
He nodded, more than willing to go
with whatever she asked of him as long as she kept touching him. A part of him
questioned why he didn�t just take her already. He ignored it.
Aida just sighed and closed her
eyes. "Please, if you want to do this, then let's do it."
He frowned at her sigh, the feeling
that all he was doing was using her flooding his thoughts once more. He was far
past the point of no return however, so all he could do was to do what she had
directed him to do, hopefully finding peace in the process. As he moved in and
out of her in a rough, quick pace, he couldn�t help but feel that this was no
better than masturbation. He loved his wife more than anything on this earth,
but when she wasn�t responding to him it just wasn�t�fun.
Aida wrapped her arms around his
shoulders and her legs around his hips. Then she used that hold to pull him
down until she could at least hold him. That was nice.
It didn�t take him long to come
considering how aroused he had already been before thrusting into her. It was a
true release, and a slightly strong one given how long his arousal had had to
build, but he couldn�t help but feel mildly disgusted with himself afterwards;
something which he had never felt nor ever wanted to with her.
She didn't understand that though. No,
his loving wife kissed his cheek and murmured in his ringing ears all while
holding him tightly.
Sands endured this, but couldn�t
help but feel a strong desire to separate himself from
her. The disgust built up in his mind until that was all he could think about.
Any relaxation he might have had after his release vanished as he grew tense in
his wife�s now too-tight grip. He felt incredibly restless, claustrophobic and
disgusted at the same time. �Let me go please, Aida,� he said slowly,
congratulating himself on how calm he sounded when in fact his thoughts were
racing.
"Why?" she asked in a
soft voice as she reluctantly did so.
�Just because,� he answered, moving
off of her as soon as he could and sitting upright on his side of the bed. He
wasn�t quite pacing yet, but he could feel a need to coming on.
She looked at his cold, silent back
for a few seconds before daring to ask, "What did I -"
�Nothing,� he interrupted her
swiftly. �It�s nothing. It doesn�t matter.�
"If it didn't matter you'd
still be lying beside me."
He hesitated at that, but couldn�t
make himself lie next to her quite yet. His mind had latched onto that disgust
and wasn�t letting it go no matter how he might have wanted it to. �Don�t worry
about it. There�s nothing you can do.�
"Apparently."
Starting to get a little disgusted herself, Aida's voice was cold. Fuck it. With that thought in her mind,
she rolled herself up in the sheets and turned her back to her husband.
Sands closed
his eyes in sorrow to hear the coldness in her voice yet neither said nor did
anything to warm her again. She wouldn�t understand why he felt this way and he
didn�t want to attempt to explain it either. He simply sat and stared across
the room at a blank spot on the wall between pieces of cheap art; waiting for
the desire to pace restlessly around the room had passed. Once it had-some many
minutes later-he laid back down on the bed next to her, mirroring her prone
image as he offered his back to her own. He didn�t sleep.
An hour, two hours, perhaps many
hours later, Aida's voice came through the darkness, small and confused.
"Why? I just want to be close to you."
�Why what, Aida?� he asked with a
slight sigh, turning in the bed so that he was lying on his back but not yet
facing her.
"You left me. Like I disgust you. I know I'm not exactly the woman you
married anymore, and that I can't currently respond in the ways that I used
to...but why can't you take your pleasure from me and accept that I'm doing the
same from you even if it's not a big and showy pleasure?"
�It was�what you said. �Please, if you want to do this, then let's
do it.� It was like it was�trivial. Like you just wanted it over so you go to bed and not have to
put up with me any longer.�
"I just didn't want you to
argue with me anymore. I don't feel beautiful, Sands, and hearing you tell me
that I am only amplifies how much I feel the opposite, and soon I wouldn't have
been in any mood to accommodate you at all, and -"
�To accommodate me?� Sands asked, his voice steely. �If that�s how you fucking feel
then just don�t. Forget it. Don�t do
me any favors. You don�t want to accept that I still think you�re beautiful? Fine. That�s not
my problem, it�s yours. Believe whatever you fucking want.�
"Don't get mad," she begged.
"Just try to understand -"
Sands let out a bitter laugh at
that, cutting off whatever she had been about to say. �Understand what? That my
own wife doesn�t trust me enough to believe that I will always find her
beautiful? That she offers sex as if it�s some sort of obligation? You told me earlier that it was about showing your love
for the other person. Clearly, you don�t really fucking believe that.�
Her body flipped over furiously
until she could look through the dark and fix a glare of the same intensity on
his face. "Don't," she said
harshly. "I understand that you think I'm beautiful. Do you understand
that I don't? I don't offer sex as any obligation. I know how much you look
forward to coming home to me. Do you know how much I look forward to being held
in your arms and cuddled afterwards? How much I love the meaningless sweet nothings,
and soft, gentle kisses? If I didn't love you, I wouldn't let you within ten
feet of me, good sex or not. Is it wrong of me to think that we can meet each
other's needs, even when those needs are different?"
His anger faded a little, mostly
because he didn�t want to argue with her. Fighting with her now left a bad
taste in his mouth. �I don�t know, Aida,� he said after a few minutes. Her
comment about not allowing him within ten feet if not for love made him a tad
uncomfortable, but he couldn�t argue with the logic. �It�s not wrong,� he said
at last. �I am. And I�m sorry. I like those things with you too. I like
whispering my love for you in every language I know while we lay contentedly in
each other�s arms. I love just watching you move. I love you, Aida.� He sighed.
�I�m an idiot,� he murmured. �I haven�t seen you for a week and here I am
starting fights.�
She shrugged, not offering to
absolve him, but not accusing him either.
�I�m sorry,� he murmured again,
turning in bed to look at her. �I love you and I missed you and I don�t want to
fight with you.�
"I'm sorry I can't be the
partner you need," she whispered.
�Don�t ever be sorry, Aida. You
have no reason to. You are the only
woman I�ll ever need. You are my wife and I love you more than anything I�ve
ever known.�
She sighed and moved over closer to
him. "I love you too," she murmured.
Seeing her move, he immediately
reached out and took her into his arms, gently pressing her head against his
chest as he rested his chin on her crown. He let his eyes slip shut as he
embraced her, knowing that this was all he would ever need. He�d never want to
give up the intimacy he shared with her, but this was needed as much as the
other was. He sometimes simply needed to be held, to be reassured of her love,
to feel her in his arms knowing that she wasn�t going anywhere. It was selfish
of him to think she didn�t need the same things.
"Tell me what you were
thinking the day we met," she whispered quietly, several minutes later. Her
body was starting to feel heavy with weariness, but sleep was still a few
minutes off.
�I was thinking, �who is this
alluring woman in front of me and why haven�t I seen her around earlier?� I
think must have stood there for a full few seconds in shock before moving to
help you up. And then later when I got to watch you perform, that only
reinforced the image of your beauty and grace. You are graceful, Aida. I don�t
know if I�ve ever told you that, but you are. You�re fun to watch. And all
throughout the day I kept thinking I must have been dreaming, because things
like this just don�t happen to people like me. I�m a very lucky man, Aida.�
"Yes, you are." There was
a smile in her voice.
�Glad you agree,� he said with a
small smile of his own. �I never once thought about�leaving,� killing �you. I could only think that I
couldn�t wait to see you again the next day and that I didn�t want to give you
up when that day had passed.�
"Why? Why did you want to see
me again?"
�Because you intrigued me,� he said
simply, giving her a gentle lift of his shoulders in a shrug.
"Why?"
�Because you were vibrant, sexy,
open-minded, easy to talk to, and interested in me,� he said with another
slight shrug.
"Open-minded?"
That one surprised her. How was she open-minded? And how could she not have
been interested in him? He was absolutely fascinating. And his voice...was it
any wonder she listened to him?
�That is what I said, yes,� he
responded to her incredulous comment wryly.
"Why do you think I'm
open-minded?"
�Oh I don�t know, because you were
willing to come to live with me even after I told you what I was,� he murmured.
"But you didn't tell me that
the day we met."
�Close enough,� he murmured. �I probably
should have.�
"You didn't know how I would
react." She snuggled into him and let her eyes drift closed. "It's
okay that you waited."
�Really?� he murmured, sounding a
little weary himself.
"Yeah."
Well this seemed to be a night for
revelations, it seemed. He didn�t want her to think that he hadn�t considered
that she would be ok with the fact he hadn�t told her what he was that first
day so he merely nodded, letting his eyes fall shut as he figured it would be
best to just go to sleep and worry about the rest tomorrow.
***
"Just how serious about this
whole 'taking meds' thing are we?" Salida asked the men the next day. Aida
was taking a nap, and she had both men smoking and pacing across the room. "Like,
are we looking to honestly try something, or take something that isn't likely
to help but that's enough to fulfill the requirement that 'something' is taken?"
�I say fuck it all. Forget the
fucking meds, forget fucking kitty, forget it all. I didn�t make any fucking promises to take anything,� Jeffrey said with a scowl as he turned to pace back the
way he came, trailing smoke like a pissed off train.
Sands frowned himself as he took
another long drag on the quickly fading cigarette he had in his hand, blowing
smoke out through his nose as he paced in thought. �I already promised not to
try anything that would affect you in any Jeffrey. I don�t know what the big
fucking deal is.� Before Jeffrey could comment, Sands went on. �I say we try
something legitimate and see what happens. At best, we�ll be able to control
our more psychotic tendencies and maybe, just maybe keep out of trouble for awhile. At worst, it doesn�t work and
we stop taking it. Spitfire can�t fault me that,� he murmured to himself.
Salida snorted, but let the men
debate it.
�And if they make us even fucking
worse? Turn us into raving lunatics? What then, Sands?� Jeffrey said with a
scowl.
�They won�t,� Sands insisted. �Are you fucking kidding me? You ask these
things like I somehow want to end up
like that.�
�You�re the one who agreed to
fucking take them in the first place, so one never knows,� Jeffrey said dryly.
�Are you telling me that if sunrise
asked you to do something like this that you would tell her to fuck off?� Sands
asked with a raised eyebrow.
�Vixen wouldn�t fucking
ask me to go on fucking antipsychotics. That�s kitty�s issue,� Jeffrey
insisted.
Sands sighed. �Just�consider it a
favor, Jeffrey. I promise you, that if there are any ill results whatsoever,
I�ll stop taking them.�
Jeffrey considered. �What kind of
favor?�
�I�m sure you�ll think of something
you want from me. You always do,� Sands said almost wearily. �Does that mean we
have a deal?�
�Promise me you won�t back out on
your end of the bargain no matter what
I ask of you,� Jeffrey stalled. �It�ll be reasonable,� he added. �Mostly.�
Sands just sighed again and nodded,
hoping he knew what he was getting himself into.
"You promise it'll be reasonable,
don't you, Jeffrey?" Salida glared at her husband.
Jeffrey rolled his eyes a little at
the forced-upon insistence, but nodded. �I promise.�
"Thank you," she sighed. Salida
didn't know why she was insisting on something like this...in fact, she didn't
know why she did a lot of the things she did since they'd come back. It was as
if someone she didn't really know had been found in that warehouse, and now she
couldn't get rid of them.
Jeffrey looked at her curiously at
her thanks, but nodded. �You�re welcome.� He wanted to ask if she was alright,
but wouldn�t while Sands was still here.
She nodded and turned to the
window, briskly rubbing her hands up and down her arms as if she had a chill.
After silently asking Sands if he
could have a minute alone with her-he made it a polite request to insure
adherence-he walked over to her, wrapping his arms loosely around her rounded
stomach as he held her from behind. �Would you like to go out
for a little while, vixen? We could just take a walk if you�d like.�
"Yeah, I'd like that,"
she whispered.
�Then lets go,� he said just as
softly, moving to stand at her side and taking her right hand in his left. He
suddenly realised something and cursed softly under his breath. �You should
have told us to put out the cigarette,� he murmured with a sigh at his own
thoughtlessness as he opened the door to the room to air it out a little and
dropped the butt into a trashcan against the wall after snubbing it between
pinched fingers.
She shrugged. "You've been not
smoking lately. I didn't want to begrudge you."
�I can smoke outside, vixen. At
least there it won�t bother you,� he argued with a soft sigh as he led her out
of the room, making sure it shut tightly behind him. He had made sure to grab
the phone in case kitty wondered, but otherwise he cut all ties. He simply
wanted to focus on his wife; to insure that she was safe and healthy and whole.
He didn�t like how distant she had been since they had left Boston, and yet he
didn�t know what to do about it.
"But if you went outside, you
wouldn't be in the room with me," she pointed out.
�I�d take you with me,� he said simply.
�Like I am now.�
"Doesn't that defeat the
purpose?"
�No, because
you�d be outside. And I�m a considerate enough husband to stand downwind
of you,� he said with small smile as she took his arm and they walked through
the long halls of the hotel.
"Oh." Still walking, she
leaned over and rested her temple against his shoulder.
Jeffrey gently turned his head as
to not disturb her and kissed her forehead as they road down the elevator
together. �Do you want to walk somewhere particular or just walk?� he asked as
they moved through the lobby and out the front doors.
"Just walk. I don't know where
anywhere is in this town. Where are we again?" She knew she'd asked that
before and been answered, but she still couldn't seem to remember.
�Charlestown, South Carolina,� he
said after taking a minute to think about it. �At least, I�m pretty sure that�s
where we are. I�ve never actually been here before.�
"Oh...okay. I remember
now."
Jeffrey sighed
a little as they began to walk without direction or destination. �Are you
alright, Salida? If you don�t want to talk about it, that�s fine, but you
haven�t been the same since we left Boston.�
"I...I don't know..." A
small frown took up residence on her face.
�Do you want to talk about it,�
Jeffrey murmured, not stopping as he asked.
"I'm like them," she spat out, ashamed, and confused, and angry all at
the same time.
�Like who, vixen?�
"Them. Those bastards that created me."
�No, you�re not,� he said with
strong conviction, stopping to turn and look at her. �You�re nothing like
them.�
"And that's why I felt
absolutely nothing while I tortured a man?"
�Do you think I�m like them,
vixen?� he asked cautiously.
"No. You at least feel something. They don't. I didn't. I'm a monster."
Jeffrey sighed. He didn�t want to
have to argue this. �You�re not a
monster, vixen. You never have nor ever will be one.�
"I got pissed off because I
thought I was being taken for granted by a man I don't and never did care
about. As a result, I cut of his penis, showed it to him, ordered someone else
to take a blowtorch to the wound, and never felt a thing. What would you call
that?"
�Revenge.�
"And what do you feel when you
get revenge?"
�Relief,� he said immediate and
then sighed a little. He didn�t seem to be helping her any.
"I didn't even feel that. I felt nothing. I feel nothing. And the fact that I don't feel anything
scares me."
�Are you glad he�s dead?� he asked
slowly. �Glad he won�t be able to chase after us any longer?�
She shook her head. "I feel
nothing. At all. At anything."
He nodded slowly. �He took your
home from you, Salida. The only home we�ve ever made together. He forced you to
leave it all behind.� He didn�t like doing this, but he could see her distress.
"That doesn't upset me."
�Why not?� he
asked with a frustrated frown. He had been so sure that would work; that
had been her reasoning for going after Rivers in the first place.
His frustration burned her and she
pulled away. "I don't know," she whispered.
His frown only deepened as she
pulled away, only now it was tinted with sadness. �I don�t know how to help
you, Salida.� He wasn�t the sociopath, Sands was. He wasn�t the one who could
just turn off his emotions like flipping on a light. Well, he could, but he was always able to come
back from it. He was ruled by his passions; his emotions,
and he knew it. Seeing that she couldn�t come back from a state of unfeeling
troubled him.
"Maybe you can't. Maybe no one
can," she whispered again. "I don't even know if I want help."
What troubled him most; what he
hadn�t had the courage to ask about was that if she truly couldn�t feel anything, did that mean that she didn�t
love him? �I�m sorry, vixen,� he murmured, not knowing what else to say or do.
He couldn�t help but feel useless. He didn�t like it but that was the way it
was. He couldn�t do anything to help her. He didn�t even know where to start.
What did it matter anyway? It didn�t. Nothing did. She should consider herself
lucky that she could no longer feel. Feeling was worry, and frustration and
pain. He hated it. She was the lucky one.
Jeffrey frowned at the line his
thoughts had taken, not quite sure where the sudden well of depression had come
from, but not really caring either. His current mood was too bleak to care. She
couldn�t feel, and he couldn�t stop feeling. What a pair they made.
"I'm hot. It's too sunny out here."
Jeffrey didn�t even bother
commenting on the fact that she was supposed to like the sun. He simply nodded.
�Do you want to go back?� It was too sunny out for him too. He�d much prefer
just sitting in the silent dark at the moment.
She nodded. "You're not going
to leave me alone, are you?"
�No, I�ll stay,� he said after a
brief moment�s consideration. He probably wouldn�t be good company right now,
but he wouldn�t leave her either.
"Okay. Because I don't think...I don't think I'd
like to be left alone."
Jeffrey nodded. �You won�t be. I�m
not going anywhere.� Although sitting around in the dark with a bottle of Jack,
a pack of cigarettes and his gun---he put a stop to that thought before it
could get any further. He might not be able to shake himself out of whatever
mood had currently descended, but he certainly wasn�t going to encourage it
either.
"Okay." Coming close
again, she hesitantly stood by his side, as if unsure
he wanted her close to him.
Seeing her hesitation only served
to deepen his depression, but he forced himself to take her hand in his anyway
as they turned and headed back to their hotel.
Once reassured that she was wanted,
she moved closer to him. He was the only thing that stayed the same in her
life.
He stayed silent as they walked
slowly back the way they had come, not knowing what to say. There was nothing
he could say. Her feelings were lost
to her, and all he could feel was depressed. He sighed deeply as the hotel came
into view, thinking he needed a stiff fucking drink. And fast.
"Jeffrey?"
�Yes?� he asked, trying to keep a
sigh out of his voice.
"What if I stay this
way?"
He wanted to say �You won�t� but we wasn�t quite feeling
optimistic enough for such a declaration. �We�ll deal with whatever happens,
Salida.�
"You won't leave me?"
�Never,� he said, a little bit of
whatever optimism and happiness he might have still been clinging too yanked
away at the notion that she thought he might leave her.
"Just making
sure."
He just nodded as they drifted
through the hotel lobby like phantoms; affecting nothing; wanting nothing.
"I would leave me. I don't
like not being able to feel."
Salida didn't seem to notice the irony of her statement.
�I�m not going to leave you,
vixen,� he murmured again, once more longing for that drink. Drowning away all
feeling with copious amounts of alcohol appealed to him in a somewhat
masochistic way.
"Why am I like this?"
�I don�t know,� he said honestly. �Shock,
perhaps.�
"Is that it?"
�Is what it?�
"Is it just shock?"
Jeffrey shrugged. �You did
something you would have previously considered inconceivable. It wouldn�t
surprise me if your mind balked and closed off under such circumstances.�
Salida supposed that made sense. But if that was the case... "Then why...why wouldn't I
just forget that I'd done it?"
Jeffrey shrugged. Even with all of
Sands� knowledge in psychology, he didn�t have all the answers. �I don�t know.
No one knows why the mind does the things it does all the time. Sometimes you
just have to accept.�
"Oh...well I want it to go
away. You don't like me when I'm like this."
He shrugged. �It�s alright. It�s
not your fault.�
"You don't like it though. I
can see it on your face."
�It doesn�t matter what I like or
not, vixen. Don�t worry about me.�
"But then what reason do I
have to try to change?"
He sighed. He really wasn�t feeling
up to this kind of conversation at the moment, but knew it was important so he
told himself to suck it up. �Because I want you to.
It�s not much of a reason granted, but it�s the only one I can offer. I�d miss
your passion.�
"So you do like me the other
way better."
He nodded. �Yes, I do.�
"And that's why I should try
to change."
He nodded almost hesitantly this
time, but it was a nod all the same.
Salida nodded absently.
�Does that make any difference?� he
asked as they rode up the elevator, not fully believing that it would but
asking anyway.
"I want to make you happy. I
remember that."
He remembered that too. Distantly though now. �Alright. If
that�s what you want.�
"You don't want me to make you
happy?"
�I don�t know what I want right
now, Salida,� he said with a sigh. Except for a big fucking drink.
"Oh...okay." The got to
their door and Salida slowly let him go.
�Where are you going?� he asked
softly as he closed the door behind him. He absently noticed that the room
still reeked of cigarette smoke but there was nothing he could do about it now.
"Nowhere," she mouthed,
going to lay down on the bed.
�Mind if I have a drink?� he
murmured, gesturing to the minibar. There wasn�t
quite enough there for him to get as drunk as he might have liked, but there
was enough to dull the edges a little. He didn�t fully know why he had asked
her. She probably wouldn�t care right now anyway.
She shook her head.
He moved at her silence, pouring
himself a glass of scotch with no ice and quickly knocking it back. It burned
all the way down causing him to wince a little, but that was what he had
wanted. Besides, he absently noticed that the scotch was god-awful, and
therefore better left untasted. He did the same with
a glass of Jack Daniels before ordering himself to slow down. He grabbed the
glass of straight vodka in hand-he hated vodka but that wasn�t the point and he
was running out of choices anyway-and walked to the bed, setting his drink down
on the bedside table as he removed his belt, wallet, weapons and shoes. He then
took a generous swallow of his drink, set it back down on the table, and laid
down beside her.
She turned her face away at the
smell of alcohol on his breath. He was
making her want a drink. And that was
one thing she couldn't do.
�I�m sorry,� he said as she turned
away from him, not knowing what he had done, but knowing it must have been
something for her to turn her back to him.
"You smell," she
whispered.
�Oh. Do you want me to brush my
teeth?�
"Why? You'll just drink
again."
�No, I won�t. I�m done.�
"You didn't finish the drink
that's on the table."
�It doesn�t matter.�
You
say that now. Salida stayed silent and let Jeffrey do whatever he wanted.
Jeffrey got up from the bed,
grabbed the half empty glass of vodka from the table and took it with him to
the bathroom. There he knocked it back quickly, shivering a little at the taste
and brushed his teeth thoroughly. Toothpaste and vodka had to be the absolute worst taste on the face of the earth,
but he persevered. Once he was relatively certain that his breath no longer
smelt of alcohol, he returned to her, leaving the glass behind.
"You didn't have to do
that," she murmured when he came back to her.
�I know,� he said as he lay down
next to her again. �I did it for you.�
"Thank you." Salida
curled her body into his, closing her eyes and burying her face in his chest.
He let his own eyes fall shut as he
wrapped his arms around her, trying to remember that he was happy with her. He
knew he loved her; that wasn�t the problem. Being happy with her was. �You�re
welcome,� he murmured down into her hair.
"I wish I wasn't like this."
He refrained from saying something
hurtful like, �Well then why don�t you
fucking do something about it?� and said instead, �I know. But that�s the way it is,� he
murmured.
"Why?"
�Why what?�
"Why does that have to be the
way it is?"
�Because we can�t
change it.�
"Oh."
�Either that or you�re not trying
hard enough,� he bit out before he could stop himself.
Salida froze. "You don't know
that," she whispered.
�Fine. Whatever. Forget I said anything,� he muttered.
"No." Why did she always
have to forget? To forgive? Why could he say whatever
he damn well pleased without any consequences?
Without knowing it, Salida asked
those things aloud.
It was Jeffrey�s turn to freeze in
place. �Is that what you really think? That what I say doesn�t have any fucking
consequences? Well fuck you. Practically everything I say to you has come back
to bite me in the ass in one way or another,� he growled angrily.
"Musn't
forget that," Salida muttered. "Can't let
Jeffrey's feelings get hurt. Before you know it, he's beating on me, but he's
always so sorry and so guilty afterwards. So it doesn't matter."
Jeffrey couldn�t help but gasp at
that; it had cut to the quick leaving him raw and bleeding. He pressed on
though. �Would you rather I felt nothing at all? You seem to be doing such a
fucking good job at it yourself.�
"Oh yes, of course, I planned
to be this way. You know just how much I enjoy being a bitch. In fact, I'm
probably like this just so I won't ever have to care about anything, and so I
can leave you the moment I'm rid of these brats. That's what you think, isn't
it?"
�If the label fits,� he hissed
heatedly.
"Oh, so this is what it takes for
you to actually admit it." Salida pushed herself away from her husband and
crossed the room to the sliding glass window of the balcony. "Well, you'd
probably appreciate it if I put you out of your misery then," she said as
she moved outside.
�Go on then. I�m sure you�ll make a
pretty fucking mess of the pavement. Hell, maybe you�ll even take someone out
as you fall. Kind of a five-for-one deal,� he growled, sitting up on the bed
but not moving to stop her.
Bastard,
she hissed inside, otherwise ignoring him as she approached the balcony and
threw one leg over the side.
�Don�t,� was all he said, moving
off of the bed and out onto the balcony as quickly as he could.
"Yes." Over came the
other leg and then she was only staying on their floor because of her grip on
the railing. Only her heels were still on something solid.
�Why?� he asked desperately, moving
closer to her but not too close. He didn�t want to startle her into letting go,
or worse force her into doing it out of spite.
"Why
not?"
�Because I don�t
want you to die, Salida. I love you,� he pleaded with her.
"Which explains
the five-for-one comment." She looked down. It really wasn't all
that far to the ground.
�I was angry. I didn�t mean it.
Come back inside. Please.�
"Just like
you won't mean it again, and again, and again."
�Salida, please.
Don�t do this. I�m sorry. Do what you want to me but don�t do this. Please.�
"I'm tired, Jeffrey." She
let go with one hand.
He moved closer, unable to stop
himself. He couldn�t let her fall. �Then come back inside. You can sleep for as
long as you want. Please come back inside, Salida.�
"Not that kind of tired. This
just isn't fun anymore."
�Then we�ll make it fun. We�ll do
whatever you like, Salida. But this isn�t going to be any fun either. Now
please, come back inside.� He reached for her.
"Stop -" Salida shifted
her weight to bat his hand away, and lost her balance...
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More Than Darkness