Jenny Jones
folder
Star Wars (All) › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,569
Reviews:
11
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Star Wars (All) › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,569
Reviews:
11
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Star Wars movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Episode 5
Announcer Dude: Up for a deathly good time? Order your very own Dragula! You can burn through witches and slam in it! As heard in Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” record! Comes complete with a Living Dead Girl! Only five dollars! Order now! 1-800-PEREGRINETOOK.
Merry: WTF?
Pippin: *shrugs* Lessa was listening to the songs as she wrote that, so I decided I wanted some money out of it.
Merry: Whatever happened to your glow rod?
Pippin: *sigh* Cheebs persuaded me to exchange it for another color, like red.
Merry: Cheebs is a god.
Cheebs: Thank you.
Merry: AHH!!!! Don’t DO that!
Cheebs: Sorry.
Pippin: Anyway, Cheebs and I are going to answer the phones. Bye!
(they exit)
Merry: Okay. . . *looks around* So where’s Lessa?
Atticus: She’s sobbing about her rejection at the hands of the exorcist. I don’t think she’ll be in today. She’s probably too drunk to see straight.
Merry: So who’s running this today?
Qui-Gon: I am! I’m the host.
Constantine: For the love of. . .Isn’t this the third time we’ve gone at this? Well, third time’s the charm, I guess. . .
Qui-Gon: WAIT!! I have to host!
Constantine: *sigh* Fine, but afterwards, Lu’s getting your ass back.
Qui-Gon: By the way, great job on getting rid of Lessa.
Constantine: I didn’t. . .Oh, for. . .Where is she?
Atticus: Wherever authors go when they’re depressed and not writing, even though their stories are going on anyway.
Constantine: Which would be. . .?
Atticus: Probably the bar.
Constantine: Okay. *leaves*
Qui-Gon: Now, on to the show. Our first guest is the fallen angel, Gabriel.
Gabriel: Hello.
Atticus: Dude, are you a guy or a girl?
Gabriel: *gnashing teeth* I’m male. I’m just effeminate.
Qui-Gon: *to Atticus* Fancy way of saying gay. *to Gabriel* What’s the problem?
Gabriel: Lucifer, king of the damned, took my wings from me. I want them back.
Qui-Gon: Okay, let’s bring out Lucifer.
(time stops for a few moments as Lucifer crosses over)
Lucifer: Wasn’t my fault. He tried to release my son into this plane. John got me here to stop him. Blame John.
Gabriel: Good idea.
Balthazar: Yes it is. I can get my way with him. . .
Atticus: That’s disturbing. Is EVERYONE on this show gay?
Sirius: I’m not!
Atticus: FINALLY!
Qui-Gon: Back to the topic at hand, blaming John is good, except for one problem. He’s not here.
Gabriel and Balthazar: DAMMIT!
Gabriel: We’ll just catch him later then. . .
(exit)
Qui-Gon: All right. Our next guest is Mystique.
Mystique: Hello.
Atticus: Damn!
Sirius: Aren’t you taken?
Atticus: *shrugs* Didn’t work out.
Sirius: Why not?
Atticus: She’s way older, plus she’s one hundred percent committed to her job.
Sirius: WHY doesn’t anyone LISTEN to me?!?
Qui-Gon: Welcome to my life.
Sirius: What life? You’re dead!
Mystique: *taps foot* Are the random idiocies over with now?
Sirius: Hey!
Qui-Gon: *snicker*
Mystique: I meant you too.
Qui-Gon: Hey! *looks at script* Is she supposed to say. . .HEY!! My name’s right! AND I got away with snickering! What the hell?
Sirius: We have a substitute author today. A very politically correct substitute author.
Sub Author: Hi all! *waves and goes back to typing*
Qui-Gon: YES!!! Thank the Force!!! Can we keep this one? I like this one better!
Sirius: I miss Lessa!
Cheebs: Lessa? Where is she? What’s the. . .*telephone rings* A moment. *answers phone* Hello, DragTook Inc., how may I help you? You want 2 Dragulas? Okay, that’ll be 13.50. Well, we have to have shipping! That’s extra! Okay, good. Okay, now give me your information. Name, address, phone number, and credit card number. *kicks sub author off computer (Sub Author: HEY!!! I need that!) and sits at it as she takes the info* Okay. Thanks. Allow one week for shipping. Bye. *returns to Sirius* So WHERE’S Lessa now?
Sirius: Probably the bar. We have a substitute author today. You kicked her off the computer. I’m sure you noticed her.
Cheebs: How’d she get in?
Sirius: She’s an author. How d’you think?
Cheebs: Oh. Why’s she at the bar?
Sirius: Depression.
Cheebs: How many times have I told her. . .Well, nothing for it. I have to answer phones. Bye. *leaves*
Qui-Gon: Good. Now, back to the show!
Sirius: I’d think you’d be glad for meaningless distractions that extend the chapter. I mean, you’re deported as soon as it’s over.
Qui-Gon: IN ANY CASE, what seems to be the problem, Ms. Mystique?
Mystique: Wolverine. *licks lips* He keeps denying me.
Qui-Gon: Logan? What have you to say for yourself?
Logan: Dude. She’s creepy. I’m in love with Jeannie. That’s my only defense.
Qui-Gon: Logan wins!
Mystique: DAMMIT!!!
Atticus: Hi. I’m Atticus. You’re hot. Wanna go out?
Mystique: *thinks for a minute* Sure, why the hell not?
(they leave)
Qui-Gon: Sirius?
Sirius: Yo.
Qui-Gon: What’s ‘deported’?
Sirius: *shrugs* Exorcised and sent to hell.
Qui-Gon: Well, if that’s all. . .I’ll just come back.
Sirius: The third time IS the charm man. . .
Qui-Gon: Shove it. I’m not getting. . . ‘deported.’
Sirius: We’ll see.
Qui-Gon: Well, in any case, show’s over and he’s not here.
Sirius: Whatever. He’ll just get you after the commercial break.
Qui-Gon: COMMERCIAL BREAK?!?! I thought it was over.
Obi-Wan: Thinking’s not really your strong point, now is it?
Qui-Gon: . . . Shut up.
Merry: WTF?
Pippin: *shrugs* Lessa was listening to the songs as she wrote that, so I decided I wanted some money out of it.
Merry: Whatever happened to your glow rod?
Pippin: *sigh* Cheebs persuaded me to exchange it for another color, like red.
Merry: Cheebs is a god.
Cheebs: Thank you.
Merry: AHH!!!! Don’t DO that!
Cheebs: Sorry.
Pippin: Anyway, Cheebs and I are going to answer the phones. Bye!
(they exit)
Merry: Okay. . . *looks around* So where’s Lessa?
Atticus: She’s sobbing about her rejection at the hands of the exorcist. I don’t think she’ll be in today. She’s probably too drunk to see straight.
Merry: So who’s running this today?
Qui-Gon: I am! I’m the host.
Constantine: For the love of. . .Isn’t this the third time we’ve gone at this? Well, third time’s the charm, I guess. . .
Qui-Gon: WAIT!! I have to host!
Constantine: *sigh* Fine, but afterwards, Lu’s getting your ass back.
Qui-Gon: By the way, great job on getting rid of Lessa.
Constantine: I didn’t. . .Oh, for. . .Where is she?
Atticus: Wherever authors go when they’re depressed and not writing, even though their stories are going on anyway.
Constantine: Which would be. . .?
Atticus: Probably the bar.
Constantine: Okay. *leaves*
Qui-Gon: Now, on to the show. Our first guest is the fallen angel, Gabriel.
Gabriel: Hello.
Atticus: Dude, are you a guy or a girl?
Gabriel: *gnashing teeth* I’m male. I’m just effeminate.
Qui-Gon: *to Atticus* Fancy way of saying gay. *to Gabriel* What’s the problem?
Gabriel: Lucifer, king of the damned, took my wings from me. I want them back.
Qui-Gon: Okay, let’s bring out Lucifer.
(time stops for a few moments as Lucifer crosses over)
Lucifer: Wasn’t my fault. He tried to release my son into this plane. John got me here to stop him. Blame John.
Gabriel: Good idea.
Balthazar: Yes it is. I can get my way with him. . .
Atticus: That’s disturbing. Is EVERYONE on this show gay?
Sirius: I’m not!
Atticus: FINALLY!
Qui-Gon: Back to the topic at hand, blaming John is good, except for one problem. He’s not here.
Gabriel and Balthazar: DAMMIT!
Gabriel: We’ll just catch him later then. . .
(exit)
Qui-Gon: All right. Our next guest is Mystique.
Mystique: Hello.
Atticus: Damn!
Sirius: Aren’t you taken?
Atticus: *shrugs* Didn’t work out.
Sirius: Why not?
Atticus: She’s way older, plus she’s one hundred percent committed to her job.
Sirius: WHY doesn’t anyone LISTEN to me?!?
Qui-Gon: Welcome to my life.
Sirius: What life? You’re dead!
Mystique: *taps foot* Are the random idiocies over with now?
Sirius: Hey!
Qui-Gon: *snicker*
Mystique: I meant you too.
Qui-Gon: Hey! *looks at script* Is she supposed to say. . .HEY!! My name’s right! AND I got away with snickering! What the hell?
Sirius: We have a substitute author today. A very politically correct substitute author.
Sub Author: Hi all! *waves and goes back to typing*
Qui-Gon: YES!!! Thank the Force!!! Can we keep this one? I like this one better!
Sirius: I miss Lessa!
Cheebs: Lessa? Where is she? What’s the. . .*telephone rings* A moment. *answers phone* Hello, DragTook Inc., how may I help you? You want 2 Dragulas? Okay, that’ll be 13.50. Well, we have to have shipping! That’s extra! Okay, good. Okay, now give me your information. Name, address, phone number, and credit card number. *kicks sub author off computer (Sub Author: HEY!!! I need that!) and sits at it as she takes the info* Okay. Thanks. Allow one week for shipping. Bye. *returns to Sirius* So WHERE’S Lessa now?
Sirius: Probably the bar. We have a substitute author today. You kicked her off the computer. I’m sure you noticed her.
Cheebs: How’d she get in?
Sirius: She’s an author. How d’you think?
Cheebs: Oh. Why’s she at the bar?
Sirius: Depression.
Cheebs: How many times have I told her. . .Well, nothing for it. I have to answer phones. Bye. *leaves*
Qui-Gon: Good. Now, back to the show!
Sirius: I’d think you’d be glad for meaningless distractions that extend the chapter. I mean, you’re deported as soon as it’s over.
Qui-Gon: IN ANY CASE, what seems to be the problem, Ms. Mystique?
Mystique: Wolverine. *licks lips* He keeps denying me.
Qui-Gon: Logan? What have you to say for yourself?
Logan: Dude. She’s creepy. I’m in love with Jeannie. That’s my only defense.
Qui-Gon: Logan wins!
Mystique: DAMMIT!!!
Atticus: Hi. I’m Atticus. You’re hot. Wanna go out?
Mystique: *thinks for a minute* Sure, why the hell not?
(they leave)
Qui-Gon: Sirius?
Sirius: Yo.
Qui-Gon: What’s ‘deported’?
Sirius: *shrugs* Exorcised and sent to hell.
Qui-Gon: Well, if that’s all. . .I’ll just come back.
Sirius: The third time IS the charm man. . .
Qui-Gon: Shove it. I’m not getting. . . ‘deported.’
Sirius: We’ll see.
Qui-Gon: Well, in any case, show’s over and he’s not here.
Sirius: Whatever. He’ll just get you after the commercial break.
Qui-Gon: COMMERCIAL BREAK?!?! I thought it was over.
Obi-Wan: Thinking’s not really your strong point, now is it?
Qui-Gon: . . . Shut up.