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Shadow of Blue	By : Auska Category: 1 through F > Four Brothers Views: 1292 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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~Shadow of Blue~

By: Aerys Krystie.
AN: This chapter and next one will be shorter than average.
oOo
Five years later…
Jack had left Detroit, somehow finding his way to New York and getting recruited into a band. Focusing only on his music, Jack had managed to hone his talents on the guitar. He enjoyed being in the band, as they became his family away from family. They laughed, cried and partied together. They shared nearly everything and bared their souls on countless occasions. Still, Jack could tell no one why he wouldn’t discuss his first love.
They played in small venues, slowly gaining a reputation to play to a bigger audience. However, despite the lack of gigs they had, the band still managed to make money through less than legal means. Jack found that the life of crime suited him, but he also knew that he needed to hide the money from the government. He only had so many opportunities to work from a secure line and he watched as the numbers in his Cayman and Zurich accounts got bigger each month. He got the feeling that his brothers would be proud of him.
Despite speaking so highly of the Mercers, the first time Jack and the band saw one, they were curious on Jack’s reaction. He had simply run off to the bathroom and locked himself in there for nine hours. That was a year after he left. He remembered that day so vividly. They had been sitting around the apartment that Jack shared with two other members, flipping through the channels when suddenly they all heard a name that was familiar.
Mercer.
Ethan Quinn, drummer for the band had laughed and joked about it being one of Jack’s relatives. Needless to say, the moment he saw the white and red jersey swinging at the opposing team, Jack knew who it was. The moment the commentator said ‘Bobby Mercer,’ the band knew who it was. They all got a good shot of Bobby’s handsome face, grinning insanely as he was led off the ice to the cheering of the crowd. ‘And that’s why he’s the Michigan Mauler.’ Jack had run to the bathroom at that point. Seeing Bobby’s face reminded him why he loved that insane prick so much.
Bobby had been the reason why Jack even bothered looking at hockey. Bobby loved the game so much and Jack truly was happy that Bobby was able to play on a professional level, even if it was only because he dealt out a decent punch. Once he moved away from home, Jack’s love of hockey hung around a little, but it just reminded him of Bobby, so he pushed it to the side. He ignored it, as he did with everything else that reminded him of Bobby.
Ethan used the same Old Spice deodorant as Bobby, which had been a constant reminder until Jack had begged him to change it. Ethan demanded to know why he should change something that gets him bed partners and Jack finally lied and said it was the same scent an abusive ex used. In order to convince, Jack hesitantly showed him the scars on his body. Ethan’s face had become a mask of pure rage and he demanded to know who the prick was so he could do him the favor of relieving him of his life. Jack just smiled and said that Bobby beat him to it, which got Ethan curious.
From the stories Jack told his band about the Mercers’, all of them wanted to meet his brothers. They wanted to know if the stories were true and knowing that his big brother was a hockey player just made him all the more intriguing. Jack could remember the way the confusion played over their faces as he told them Jeremiah was a union worker, Bobby was a hockey player and Angel was a marine. The stories he told them about what the Mercer boys had done didn’t seem to match their current professions. Jack honestly didn’t understand. He thought that all those professions matched them perfectly.
Angel enjoyed adventuring, so joining the military would give him that opportunity. Bobby was violent and hockey glorified blood on the ice. Jeremiah was a thinking man and stuck firm to his beliefs. However, Ethan quickly noticed that Jack spoke more about Angel and Jeremiah than Bobby, as though he was avoiding the topic of Bobby. Jack didn’t trust any of them enough to tell them that he was madly in love with his brother and had left to get over it.
Even in a new city and a new State, there were still things that reminded him painfully of Bobby. Sometimes, it was simple things like a smell of Old Spice. Other times, it was a little more difficult, but it might be a similar stance or strut. Everywhere he turned, it seemed there was something that reminded him of Bobby and he was starting to go a little insane over it.
It seemed that the more he tried to fight it, the stronger it became. Even his music seemed to involve Bobby, somehow. When playing a gig, he would look out over the crowd as he sang back up and think he saw him in the shadows. Of course, it was never him. It was the way the light bounced off of someone’s leather jacket or the way they stood, feet shoulder width apart so they could be ready to attack in any direction. Either way, every time he thought he saw Bobby in the crowd, he fought desperately to keep his voice on key. Then he would get blind drunk and pass out for the night, trying to forget about Bobby Mercer.
It never worked that way. He would always wake up to an empty bed, a few hours after passing out. He practically lived off coffee, still refusing to hit the hard drugs. He wasn’t going to lie; he was ever so tempted to hit cocaine. His band mates enjoyed snorting the powder every now and again, but they knew that he wasn’t interested and respected his choice. It usually gave him a good chuckle as he watched some of the stupid shit they did while high. Jack would just drink, until he could barely walk and somehow make it to his bed every night, only to wake up and repeat it.
One day, he woke up and his bed wasn’t empty. There wasn’t anyone lying in it with him, but Ethan was sitting on the side, staring down at the carpet of the room. Jack had woken in a panic, trying to figure out who was in his room and why they were. Ethan had never entered Jack’s room before without permission, so he wanted to know why Ethan would come in while he was asleep. They all knew that Jack had slight trust issues.
“Why won’t you talk about Bobby, aside from him killing your ex?” Ethan asked quietly and Jack tried not to groan. He’d literally just woken up and Ethan was slamming him with a question like that?
“Look, man,” Jack said as he sat up and ran his hands through his oily hair. He grimaced. “Lemme have a shit, shower and shave. Have a cup of coffee waitin’ for me and then we’ll talk.”
Ethan didn’t raise his eyes, but nodded and left the room to make the coffee. Jack closed his eyes, wanting to all asleep again and hope it was all a dream. However, he knew he wasn’t that lucky. He got out of bed and grabbed his towel, heading into the bathroom. He took care of business and walked back to his room with the towel around his hips, showing off the last tattoo he got before he left Detroit.
Every time he saw it, he often wondered what Bobby would think. He kept trying to stop his mind from constantly going back to what Bobby would think or what Bobby would say. He often wore his jeans lower than usual without underwear, just to show it off while performing, on the off chance that Bobby might be at the show. So he could see it and know that Jack had the same attitude towards life as him.
He stopped in the small kitchen and grabbed the coffee that Ethan had prepared. It took him years, but he finally learned to make it the way Jack liked it; cream and sugar. He sat down on the breakfast stool, yawning before he took a mouthful of the coffee. He could feel Ethan staring at him, practically demanding answers. He was surprised that it took Ethan five years to finally pluck up the courage to demand answers from him.
“So, why won’t you talk about Bobby? Did he hurt you? Is that why you left, man?”
Jack glared at Ethan, unable to believe he’d even think of asking that. “They never raised a hand to me,” he hissed and Ethan stepped back, seeing a spark of that Mercer temper that they were famous for. “Except when I hit them first or I needed some sense beaten into me. But they never did for fun.”
“Sorry. You can’t be too careful. Back to Bobby.”
Jack lowered his eyes, staring at the light brown liquid in his mug. “Bobby…” he muttered and felt tears stinging his eyes. He knew that Ethan had seen them. “Bobby…” he repeated and this time, he smiled, real and true. That kind of smile was rare for him. “Bobby is—” He broke off as the phone rang and rose to get it.
“Let the machine take this one, man,” Ethan said and Jack raised an eyebrow. Ethan rarely let the machine take the calls, considering it was usually best to make a good first impression with a potential employer.
Jack shrugged and nodded, taking another mouthful of coffee. “Bobby is—” He broke off again as the machine beeped and then heard a voice he never thought he’d hear again.
“Jackie, its Jerry. If you’re there, please pick up. There’s been—”
Jack was at the phone in a flash, picking it up. “Jerry! What’s wrong?” And as the words came out of Jerry’s mouth, Jack became still. He dropped his mug and the phone, staring off into space. He wasn’t even aware of Ethan shaking him, trying to get him to tell him what happened. Everything was white noise to him, until it all seemed to scratch off. He looked at Ethan. “I have to go home.”
Without another word, Jack ran to the bedroom and dressed. He shoved the rest of his clothing into his ratty backpack and ran out. He was stopped by Ethan at the door, demanding to know what was going on. Jack punched him and stepped over his body, leaving the apartment. He ran down the hallway and didn’t bother to wait for the elevator. He jumped down the flights of stairs and hailed a cab. He had three days to get back to Michigan, but he certainly didn’t have the money for a plane ticket in his bank and the thought of getting the money didn’t even cross his mind.
At the bus terminal, he pushed his way to the front of the line and demanded a ticket back to Michigan. He paid and snatched the ticket from the woman’s hand, checking the time and seeing that he had to wait an hour for the bus to leave. He kept telling himself that Jeremiah was yanking his leg and that it was some kind of twisted way to get them back home for the holidays.
On the way back home, Jack refused to think of the memories that were trying to come back. If it was true, he didn’t want to think about it; he couldn’t think about it. It seemed impossible. There had to be a catch somewhere, but in the back of his mind, he knew that it had happened and he ran his hands through his hair, resting them on the nape of his neck, attempting to give himself the same comfort that Bobby gave him.
The trip seemed to take forever. Jack was certain that more than three days had passed, but he managed to get there the day of the funeral. He’d called Jeremiah from a payphone and he said he’d be there soon. Jack didn’t care that he smelled like shit or that he hadn’t slept or eaten. He couldn’t sit down and kept pacing. The last time he saw Jeremiah, he was driving a sedan. He frowned when Jeremiah got out of an SUV. Despite the circumstances, Jeremiah and Jack hugged; glad to see one another after so long.
Jack attended the funeral in clothing he’d basically lived in for the last three days. Jeremiah got him to spray something on himself so he wouldn’t make the occasion worse. Jack did so as they got to the cemetery. He’d hugged Bobby and pulled away almost immediately. He was certain that he got up and made a speech, but for the life of him, he couldn’t remember what he said. He just remembered getting up there and then being pulled back and sitting down, staring at the coffin as it was lowered. He remembered trembling and the tears rolling down his cheeks, because they refused to dry up.
After the funeral, they arrived at Jeremiah’s house and Jack excused himself, going across the street to smoke and calm his nerves. He couldn’t deal with Mom’s death and Bobby. He knew he had to try and be strong. He also knew he was going to fail. He flinched slightly when a hand landed on him from nowhere, but it rested on the nape of his neck and he got that sense of security.
“You okay?”
Barely glancing at him, Jack nodded and sniffing. “Yeah.”
“You sure?” Bobby got the same reaction and stroked Jack’s hair. “You know I love ya, right?”
Jack stared at him, searching his eyes for a moment and then forced a tight smile and nodded. Bobby took him back to the house and he couldn’t help but smile on the inside when Jeremiah brought up his tree house. He put his smoke out when Jeremiah told him that smoking wasn’t allowed in the house and went inside. He accepted the hug from Camille and went into the backyard with Bobby, seeing Daniela and Amelia for the first time. He couldn’t believe what adorable little girls they were.
Once Bobby made the Cracker Jack joke, Jack knew exactly how it was going to play out. Bobby was going to pretend that nothing had changed, which just made the day even more painful. However, a wake wasn’t the time or place to start drama, so he simply fell in the same routine, telling Bobby not to teach them that. He wouldn’t mind having a little respect from at least one Mercer, since the only one that ever respected him was dead.
He kept back as Green decided to attend the wake. He gave him an awkward hug and instantly stood by Bobby’s side again. He felt a spark of worry when Bobby said, “I didn’t come back for no funeral.” He knew that they were going to be tearing up the town and honestly, he was grateful. It was a much needed distraction from all the bullshit that surrounded him. It would be a better way to spend his time back home than sulking around the house and wallowing in bittersweet memories.
Jack kept his eyes on the back of Jeremiah’s car as they pulled up to the house. He couldn’t believe it. Even from his peripheral, he could tell that nothing had changed. Bobby parked the car and sighed. “We’re home, Jack.”
With a nod, Jack opened the door and pulled his backpack and guitar case from the backseat. He hung back a little, just to stare at the house that had meant so much to him. It was the one constant in his life. He inhaled deeply. “So, shit, Bobby. What are you up to these days?” he asked, just for the sake to say something and get his mind off what was going on. He rolled his eyes at Bobby’s reply.
“What about you? Still sucking a little cock left and right?”
“Fucker.”
“Y’all ain’t right, leavin’ me out here in the cold.”
“Yo, little brother, you asshole,” Bobby greeted and hugged Angel hard.
“I missed my plane,” Angel said as he picked up his bag.
“Yeah? You missed our mother’s funeral, too, jarhead.”
As good natured shit-talking was thrown around, Jeremiah unlocked the door and they filed into the foyer. The silence that fell over them made it clear that they were all thinking the same thing. Jack lowered his eyes and glanced at Bobby, which seemed to snap him out of his trance. He told Jack to take his old room, the same with Angel, while he would take Mom’s.
Jack hung back as Angel went through to the kitchen, while Jeremiah went into the living room. Jack didn’t want to go up there. He didn’t know what to expect and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his emotions under control, but he eventually sighed and walked up the stairs, remembering where to step to avoid the creaks. In fact, even Bobby had walked up the stairs, avoiding the creaks.
With a shaking hand, Jack opened his bedroom door and flipped on the overhead light and felt the lump in his throat getting bigger. She didn’t change anything. It was all the same, even down to the packet of smokes that Jack forgot to grab before he walked out the door. That cheap toy he got from his first lunch with Jeremiah was still on his bedside chest, as was The Cat in the Hat. He dropped his backpack on the bed and picked up the book, memories flooding him.
Swallowing thickly, he put the book down and got on his knees, looking under the bed. He could see the sparkle of the glitter that was still under there and refusing to move. He grinned and shook his head. That shit was basically in the grain of the wood. He opened the closet door and ducked his head to step into it, wondering how the hell he used to fit in there.
He left the closet and turned his eyes to his favorite corner, feeling the need to sit in it. He wasn’t a scared kid, anymore. He was a heartbroken man. He could hear Bobby moving around in Mom’s room, so he kicked off his shoes, grabbed the guitar and sat on his bed. He stared into space, while he plucked on the strings and listened to the gentle music that was faintly coming from Angel’s room.
Jack blinked as Bobby appeared in his doorway, but he knew that Bobby would need some kind of comfort, considering he’d been with Mom the longest. “You been cryin’ in here, ya little fairy?” Bobby asked as he sat down beside Jack’s bed, which made Jack smirk slightly.
“Leave it alone, man,” he muttered and moved the guitar to the side and began rolling a smoke.
“You still makin’ a lot of racket on that freakin’ thing?”
“Yeah, still makin’ a lot of racket on it.” Jack paused a moment to really think about why Bobby was with him. “Too weird in Mom’s room?” he asked.
“Oh, man. Way too weird! I mean, it’s crazy. She didn’t change a thing in this house.” Bobby and Jack looked over at Jeremiah as he appeared in the doorway, smiling at them as though he knew something they didn’t. “Jesus, Jack! If you’re gonna smoke in the house, at least open a window.” Bobby glared and Jack returned the look, before reaching over and opening the window behind his desk. “Whoa! It looks like our fairy actually got some ink with meanin’!” He lifted Jack’s shirt and lowered his jeans and underwear band.
Jack slapped Bobby’s hands away. “There’re easier ways to see somethin’, Bobby.”
“You’re still not my type, ya little fairy.” Bobby glanced at Jeremiah, as if forgetting that he was there. “What’re you grinnin’ at?”
“Nothin’, man,” Jeremiah said, the grin still in place. “Jus’ happy to see my brothers, is all.” He looked down for a moment. “I missed y’all.”
“Yeah, I missed you, too, Jerry.”
“I’m thinkin’ of goin’ to the store, pickin’ up a bird or somethin’ for dinner. At least pretend we’re real family.”
Jack lowered his eyes, sliding them over to Bobby and then back to Jeremiah. His older brother caught his eyes and smiled, again in that seemingly knowing way that reminded him a fair amount of Mom. He shifted very slightly on the bed and was grateful when Angel came out of his room and Bobby gave him shit about seeing his ‘La Vida Loca.’
While Angel proved his brothers right, Jack walked through the house. He went into the kitchen and expected to see her sitting at the table, a cup of tea by her hand as she read a book or the newspaper. When he turned to her chair, his heart sank as he remembered that she’d never be there again. He looked at the book that she had been reading: Great Expectations.
He made his way into the living room and couldn’t believe how it was the same. He sat with his back to the sofa, his knees to his chest and hands on his knees as he stared at the black screen of the television. How could it all be the same, but still different?
“Fuckin’ hell, Cracker Jack! There’s glitter everywhere!” Bobby cursed as he came down the stairs, trying to brush the glitter that he got on his hands after dusting it off his ass. He raised his angry eyes to the living room and froze at the blank expression on Jack. There’s not a chance in hell he’d ever forget that face. “Jack?” he said as he crouched in front of him. As it was back then, he got no reply, so he placed a hand on Jack’s neck.
Jack blinked and looked at Bobby. “Oh, hey, Bobby. When’d you get here?”
Bobby glared and pulled Jack to his feet. “Don’t you fuckin’ dare shut us out, Jack,” he warned and pulled his baby brother into a hug.
Jack hesitated, but eventually rested his forehead on Bobby’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He wanted to let it all out, but knew he couldn’t. He needed to hold onto the pain long enough to find the bastards that killed Mom. Then he could cry like the fairy he is and finally let go of his grief.
He tensed as Bobby pulled him closer, which forced him to pull away. “Goin’ for a shower,” he said and darted up the stairs. He could feel Bobby’s shocked eyes on him, before he made it into his bedroom and grabbed the towel out of his backpack, which he should probably wash before using. In fact, he should probably wash all his clothing, since he left before laundry day.
Jack closed the door and stripped, gave himself an English bath and found some old clothing that might still fit him in the tallboy. He pulled on sweatpants that were too small and a sweatshirt that probably wouldn’t fit Amelia. He sighed and pulled his socks off. It would have to do until his clothing was clean and he could shower. He took his backpack down to the laundry and got a load going, frowning as he saw that Mom still used the same powder.
“Jack,” Bobby said softly from behind. “Are you okay?”
How he remembered that soft voice, helping him overcome fears. He remembered how it forced him to proclaim that ‘Once a Mercer, always a Mercer.’ He remembered that secure and safe feeling he always got from Bobby, which he needed now. Hell, he even remembered how impressed Bobby was with him when he broke a Mercer record of sending a kid to the hospital with two kicks.
Jack rested his hands on the washer, breathing heavily. “Yeah,” he breathed and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Because if you ain’t, that’s fine, too, Jackie. If you need to talk, ya know I’m here.”
Jack turned around and stared at Bobby. He could see his big brother forcing down the pain he was feeling, so he could keep a clear mind and help his brothers get through their grief. “And what about you, Bobby? Hmm? How are you?” Bobby glanced away, just for a second, but it was that momentary lapse of control that worried Jack. “With Mom gone, who’s gonna hold you at night, when the nightmares come?”
“That doesn’t matter. My brothers come first.”
Jack lowered his eyes, trying to find the right words without pissing Bobby off, which was nearly impossible. “Bobby, we count on you to keep us together. But if you don’t sleep, you’re gonna make stupid decisions and some might end badly.”
“Really? Remind me again how much sleep you’ve gotten the last three days?” Jack winced slightly and ducked his head, knowing he couldn’t tell Bobby to sleep when he wasn’t. “‘Such is life,’ right?”
Jack looked up and smirked, stepping closer to Bobby. “‘No mercy’?”
Bobby’s eyes flared with a lust for the murderer’s blood. “None,” he stated vehemently and Jack nodded. He would stick with Bobby and follow him to hell, if he had to.
oOo
That night, Jack managed to get ninety minutes of sleep and he stared at the floor of his room. He was under his bed again and crawled out, stretching his joints and muscles. He looked at his sleepwear and sighed. He’d had to change before Bobby figured out he was sleeping under his bed again. Without Mom in the house, Jack no longer felt safe. The nightmares were already creeping in and he looked at his bedroom door.
He could hear Angel and Sofi asleep. At least Angel had a saving grace, even if Bobby didn’t like her. He opened his door and stepped into the hallway, looking around the pitch black house and lowered his eyes. He went up to Mom’s door and knocked softly on it. He heard Bobby groan and say it was open. Jack stepped into the room, keeping the door open a crack and made out where Bobby was sleeping. He was sleeping on the side that Mom used to.
Before he took another step, Jack froze and lowered his head. It hadn’t even been one night and he was already running to Bobby to make everything better, if only for a short time. Bobby told him to come in and Jack hesitantly took a step toward the bed. He’d never gone to anyone before about his nightmares and he questioned why he was doing it now. Bobby needed as much sleep as he could get, considering what he had in mind.
Jack walked around to the side Bobby was on and sat on the floor, pressing his back to the bed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and sighed softly. “I guess…I guess I just needed my big brother.”
The hand found the nape of his neck and Jack closed his eyes. “You don’t feel safe anymore, Jackie?”
“Could I…” Jack opened his eyes and figured Bobby already knew how pathetic and weak he was. “Could I stay in here for a little?”
The fingers stroked his hair. “As long as you need, Jack.” The bed shifted and he felt Bobby’s eyes on his huddled form. “You gonna be comfortable down there?”
Jack glanced at the bed. “I never told her about the nightmares,” he admitted.
“I know. You never told anyone.”
“I was scared, back then. And I’m scared again, now.”
“Why are you scared now, Jack?” Bobby asked, keeping his voice low and soothing.
Jack paused, his chest impossibly tight as he fought back tears. “Because I can’t lose Mom and you, Bobby,” he choked out and pressed his forehead to his knees.
“You ain’t gonna lose both of us, Jackie. Ya know I’m too stubborn or too stupid to die.”
Jack had to chuckle. It was true. Bobby would always find a way of living, either through sheer will or dumb luck. He placed his trembling hand on the one Bobby had on his neck. The security was there the moment Bobby touched him, but this time he felt loved. He knew that Bobby wanted to go back to sleep, as they had to get up early and visit the store owner, but he was staying awake because Jack wanted to be comforted.
“Get on the bed, Jackie.” Bobby frowned when Jack tensed and removed his hand. He watched as his baby brother’s tall, lean form stood up. “Jack, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. You just reminded that I should probably get back to bed.” Jack leaned down to hug Bobby, wincing as his head his something hard. He heard Bobby curse softly, not wanting to wake up the house. “Jesus, Bobby. Was that your head?”
“Yeah, it was, ya little fairy. I’mma guess that Mack truck was yours.” Bobby finally turned a light, which made them both wince in the brightness of the lamp on the bedside chest. He looked up at Jack and frowned. “Stop holdin’ it in.”
Jack knelt beside the bed, resting his cheek on it as he gazed at Bobby. “This isn’t the time for a breakdown, Bobby.” He kept his eyes on Bobby’s handsome face, refusing to look at his shirtless torso. Bobby was staring straight ahead, idly stroking Jack’s neck. “I love you, Bobby.”
“I love ya, too, baby brother.” Bobby looked down at him and gave a half smile. “You sure you don’t wanna spend the night in here?”
Jack kept his face blank as he thought about it. As far as Jack knew, Bobby preferred to sleep alone, as he could hog the covers to himself. However, once he stopped thinking about himself, Jack finally realized what it was. Bobby needed company, as well. He needed someone with him, while he slept in Mom’s room. He didn’t want to put glitter throughout her bedding, as it would lose her scent.
“Come back to my room. I don’t care about glitter in my bed.”
“You’re such a fuckin’ fairy, Jack,” Bobby said with a shake of his head, but he stood and turned off the lamp. He led the way into Jack’s room, making sure to keep the door open ajar. He waited for Jack to get in the bed first, before he crawled in.
They didn’t touch or hold each other, but both gained the comfort they wanted from the other. Just knowing that someone was there eased the tension they were holding. Their presence was enough to remind the other that they had each other’s back.
The first time Bobby told him that ‘once a Mercer, always a Mercer’ came back to Jack. He could hear Bobby breathing deeply and soundly behind him. The first Christmas he spent with the Mercers. He never did open that gift that Bobby got him. Still, back then, those words had caused confusion in his small mind. Even when he was in the hospital, it made him confused. Now that their mother was gone, it all made sense.
oOo
Watching his brothers argue always made him want to run away. He couldn’t keep it from his face that he was fighting to stay where he was. The knock at the door had been a gleam of hope for him. Maybe he could get away from the shouting and the accusations. It would help him get away from his guilt, as well. He didn’t want to remember that he’d left and hadn’t seen or called her for five years.
The insult and then the snowball. Jack didn’t think. He just wanted to beat the shit out of that asshole that would dare insult a saint like Evelyn Mercer. Then he saw the gun and felt the pain. He could hear Bobby’s voice behind him, but all he could see and focus on was the gun that was about to take his life. The blast of a shotgun seemed to make things better, but he wasn’t pulled back to safety.
He remembered screaming the one word that always made everything better. He could vaguely hear his brothers shouting his name over the blasts from the guns. He could remember feeling so cold in the chill of the day and the snow that he was lying on. Suddenly, he didn’t have the strength to scream for Bobby. He didn’t have the strength to breathe. He could taste blood and his vision was beginning to fade. He could hear Bobby calling for him and begging him to breathe.
Jack saw the tears in Bobby’s eyes and tried to understand why he would cry so openly. He knew that Angel and Jeremiah were there, as well. He could hear Sofi saying that she was dialing. He remembered a moment of confusion as Bobby placed his mouth over his and breathed in. He could feel someone pressing on his chest, but he couldn’t take his eyes from Bobby as he pulled back and saw his blood on his brother’s mouth.
“Don’t you fuckin’ die on me, you little fairy,” Bobby ordered, before he breathed into his mouth again. Jack felt more blood come up, before the world faded to black.
Jeremiah continued to do the compressions, while Angel felt for the pulse and Bobby breathed into him. Angel said that the pulse was still there and Bobby couldn’t remove that spark of hope. If they could just keep him alive long enough for the paramedics to get there, there was a chance. Jeremiah never let up on the compressions, keeping the blood flowing.
A car door opening got Bobby’s attention and he glared at the van that Jerry crashed into. He told Angel to take over and stormed up to the van, grabbing a gun. After checking that it had at least one bullet left, he shoved the asshole’s head back with the barrel and demanded to know if it was Victor Sweet. When the guy thanked God, Bobby saw red. He could taste Jack’s blood on his lips and he remembered seeing his mother brutally slain.
“Thank god? He took my mother and my little brother from me, you motherfucker. Thank Victor Sweet.” He pulled the trigger just as the sirens turned onto the street. He dropped the gun and went back to Jack. Sofi had taken to checking his pulse and said that it was still there, but that Jack was so cold.
The paramedics tried to get to Jack, but Jeremiah refused to stop doing the compressions. He wouldn’t stop until he brought Jackie back. Bobby took the rosary around Jack’s neck before the paramedics could take it. They placed a mask over Jack’s face and forcefully moved Jeremiah to the side, doing the compressions themselves, while they moved Jack onto a stretcher and took him away. Bobby shook and tried to calm himself, especially when he saw Green. As much as he wanted to be with Jack when he woke up, Bobby didn’t know when that would be and he needed to make Sweet pay for what he’d done to his family.

“Jackie?”
Jack frowned. He knew that voice, but it wasn’t possible. He turned around and all he saw was darkness surrounding him. There was a spot of light in the distance and he wanted to move toward it, but something was telling him to stay where he was. He turned his back to the light and his eyes widened as he saw Mom standing there. She had that warm smile on her face.
“Mom?” Jack couldn’t stop the tears from falling and he didn’t want to. He ran to her and hugged her tightly, never wanting to let her go. He felt those safe arms wrap around him. “Why are you here?”
“When you get word that one of your boys got himself into a lot of trouble, you make sure you’re there.” Evelyn pulled back slightly and looked Jack over. “You shot up, didn’t ya? And you grew up so handsome!”
Jack blushed and ducked his head, shuffling his feet. His head snapped up when he finally remembered that Mom was dead. “Am I—?”
“Did you want to die, Jackie?” Evelyn asked softly.
Jack thought of his brothers. He thought of his band. He thought of everything he ever wanted to do. He wanted to spend an eternity with Mom, but he also knew that he couldn’t leave with things left unsaid. Evelyn seemed to know what he was thinking and nodded, the smile returning to her face. She held her face in his hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs.
“You’re too stubborn for your own good, Jack Mercer. If you go back and don’t tell Bobby how you feel, I will find you and slap you silly.” The gentle affection in her eyes took the sting from her words.
“Mom…I’m sorry I never called or visited.”
“I know, Jackie. I never blamed you. You did what you thought was best and, just like your brothers, once you made up your mind, there was no changing it.” Evelyn released her younger son’s face and stepped back.
Jack frowned as Evelyn seemed to get smaller. “No, Mom! Please, don’t leave again!”
“I’m never gone, Jackie. I love you and your brothers.”
Just like that, Jack was suddenly alone in the abyss. He turned around, ignoring the light that was shining. “Mom?” he called, his voice echoing around him. “Mom!” He didn’t get a response and battled to keep his tears back. “Bobby!”
oOo
Jack rasped as he opened his eyes. He heard someone gasp and a door was opened. He closed his eyes again, finding the room too bright. He heard feet running into the room and opened his eyes again. He saw Angel and Sofi standing behind a doctor. Jack tried to reach out for Angel, but his arm felt like lead. Angel took hold of it, giving it a gentle squeeze and Jack smiled, closing his eyes again.
When he woke up, he felt better. His mind was clearer and he could handle the ‘brightness’ of the dark room. There was stiffness in his right shoulder and he rolled it, hissing at the pain that shot through his body. He forced himself to sit up and feel his legs, grateful when he felt his hand touching them. He heard breathing and looked around the room.
On a sofa he saw Angel and Sofi. Jack couldn’t help but smile when he saw them. He must’ve made a sound, because Sofi’s eyes flew open and she shook Angel awake. She got off the sofa and stood beside Jack, looking him over, before she poured him a glass of water and held the straw to his mouth. Jack drank slowly, watching as Angel lumbered over to him, body stiff with sleep.
“Jack…” Angel shook his head and then hugged his baby brother tightly. “You gave us all a fuckin’ heart attack!”
“I’m sorry,” Jack whispered hoarsely and smiled when Sofi slapped Angel. “Where’s Bobby?”
Angel pulled back, exchanging glances with Sofi. “He’s at home, man. He was here earlier, but he wanted to put the finishin’ touches on the repairs,” he explained and slipped an arm around Sofi’s shoulders.
“How long?”
“How long were you out for?” Angel clarified and Jack nodded. “Ten months.”
Jack’s eyes widened. That couldn’t be right. It didn’t feel like ten months. He’d only spoken to Mom for a couple of minutes, before he woke up. “What happened?” he asked as he reached for the cup. Sofi was on it like a flash. He drank it and fought off the wave of drowsiness.
Angel glanced around to make sure they were alone. “Bobby killed Sweet. Fowler killed Green.”
Jack finished the water and Sofi refilled it, just in case. He smiled and shook his head, thinking about what he was just told. He liked Green. He actually seemed to care about the crime, despite what Bobby had said. Jack tried to sit up on the bed and was grateful when Angel helped him. He flexed his toes, unable to believe that it had been ten months since he last stood. He was unable to believe he had gone ten months without conscious thought.
“Shift change, little brother,” Bobby announced as he walked into the room and removed his jacket.
Jack stared at Bobby, elation thrilling through him. It dulled a little when Bobby turned to him and saw that he was awake. He stormed over to the bed and Jack raised his chin, waiting for the punch he knew was coming. Bobby preferred to punch someone if they scared him. It seemed to be his way of dealing with the fear and Jack could accept that. After all, he had to tell them all that Mom said she loves them and the sooner Bobby got over it, the better.
However, just like that time he blacked out due to stress, Bobby hugged him. Jack blinked and glanced over at Angel. He just grinned and said that he and Sofi wanted to sleep on a bed. Sofi said goodbye and Jack smiled at her, watching as the door closed and Bobby released him.
Jack was slammed with the memory of cold and Bobby’s mouth covered in blood. “What happened?”
Bobby sighed and dropped into a chair Jack hadn’t seen beside the bed. “You were shot. Since Jerry was scared of not bein’ able to save his kids, he knew to do compressions until the professionals could take ya. And accordin’ to them, the muscles constricted to lock in warmth, which slowed blood loss.” He shrugged and slumped in the chair, as though a great weight was lifted off him.
“And Sweet?” Jack asked, despite knowing the answer. He reached for the cup. He wasn’t thirsty, but it gave him something else to focus on, other than Bobby.
“Knocked his ass out and then let him drown in the river,” Bobby answered as he stood and grabbed the cup, handing it to Jack. He took his seat again. “The cops beat the shit outta us, as well. Amazin’ how Victor Sweet goes missin’ and they’re all over us like three dollar whores. An innocent woman is murdered and they don’t give a shit.” He shook his head and glared at the bed.
Jack lowered his eyes as he sipped his water. “When can I go home?”
“Docs wanna keep ya here a little longer, Cracker Jack.” Bobby raised his eyes, still not liking how pale his brother looked. “You okay?”
Jack swallowed and nodded. “Just can’t believe how long I was out for.”
“You never could lie worth a shit. What’s wrong?”
Jack looked over at Bobby. “I wanna go home. Now.”
Bobby narrowed his eyes slightly. “D’ya mean here or back to New York?”
Jack looked away, wanting to hide the hurt. How could Bobby possibly think he’d ever leave home, especially when all of them were there? “I said that I wanna go home, not leave,” he mumbled and stared down at the covers, idly plucking at a thread.
“Well, it’s hard to tell what ya call home, these days, ya little fairy.” Bobby stood and began pacing. Jack knew what was coming. He knew what Bobby was trying to force back. “Five years, Jack,” he stated and Jack lowered his gaze back to the covers. “And not one phone call! Jesus, fuck! They all thought you were dead!”
Jack frowned and looked up. Bobby had stopped pacing and was glaring at him. “They?” he repeated and raised an eyebrow. “What about you, Bobby?”
Bobby rolled his eyes and Jack refused to the urge to glare. “You think Detroit is the only place I have connections to keep tabs on my little brothers?” He shook his head. “The moment you hit New York, I knew.”
Jack thought of all the times he thought he saw Bobby at his shows. Maybe he wasn’t going crazy. Still, if Bobby had been there, he didn’t want to know. If he knew that Bobby was there and didn’t say anything to him, it would hurt more than being shot did. Why would he travel all that way, but not say anything to him? He knew that Bobby was only there to make sure he stayed on the straight and narrow, which he was proud to say he did, for the most part. At least that was one thing that Bobby couldn’t ream him out for.
“I was old enough to take care of myself,” Jack said and hardened his eyes.
“No, ya weren’t.” Bobby stood beside the bed and gazed down at Jack. “Why did you leave?”
“Bobby…” Jack lowered his eyes and was surprised that Bobby didn’t touch him. He was a little grateful for that. Somehow, Bobby seemed to know that Jack wanted to get something off his chest. “I just came out of a ten month coma about twenty minutes ago.” He looked up and glared at Bobby. “Back the fuck up.”
Bobby raised an eyebrow, but did as Jack wanted. He sat in the chair and sighed. “We’re glad you’re awake, Cracker Jack. Ya know how to scare the shit outta us.” He half-smiled quickly and Jack wondered if he was remembering the first time he ended up in the hospital.
Jack just nodded, feeling exhausted. He didn’t know what else to do, as he wasn’t ready to tell Bobby how he felt. Mostly because he was terrified that his brother would disappear. He frowned when Ethan walked into the room and grinned, running to the bed and hugging Jack. It lasted about two seconds, before Ethan found himself pinned to a wall, Bobby’s forearm to his throat and a death glare on the man’s face.
“He’s a friend from New York, Bobby,” Jack said, frowning when Bobby didn’t back up. “Bobby?” He slipped off the bed and winced as pain shot up his left leg. His feet felt tender on the floor, but he limped over to Bobby and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Ethan was gasping for air by the time Jack got to them. At the touch of his little brother, Bobby stepped back and returned to his chair. “If he’s a friend, why’s he stalkin’ ya?”
Jack blinked and looked Bobby, as Ethan rubbed his throat and tried to get some feeling back into it. “What’re you talkin’ about, Bobby?”
With a sigh, Bobby turned his tired eyes to Jack. “How’d he know you were in the hospital?”
Realization flashed through Jack’s eyes. He knew for a fact that no one would tell some stranger where to find him, regardless of who they said they were. He stepped back from Ethan, glancing at the door. Why was Ethan there alone? He knew that Bobby was still on high alert and had chosen to sit down before he murdered Ethan, as he wouldn’t be able to get away with it.
“How’d you know I was in the hospital?” Jack asked and limped back another step, wanting to keep some distance between him and Ethan. He’d known Ethan for four years, but that didn’t mean anything. Ethan wasn’t as open about who he was, unlike Angel, Bobby and Jeremiah. Jack knew immediately that they were people he could trust.
“I followed Jerry, when he came here. No one at the house would tell me where you were,” Ethan explained and straightened. “We were worried about ya, man. You disappeared nearly a year ago and we haven’t heard from ya.”
“So you decided to come here?”
“Well, yeah. The apartment was empty without ya, man. We were wondering if you were gonna come back and join the band, again.” Ethan glanced at Bobby nervously when he heard him shift in the chair. The oldest Mercer was staring at a wall, face blank.
Jack shook his head and limped back to the bed. He allowed Bobby to help him back into it and removed the patches on his chest, ignoring the way the machines beeped at him. “I’m home, Ethan. I don’t think I can leave it again. My brothers need me.”
A nurse entered the room and sighed softly when she saw it was the Mercer boys again. She made sure the IV was still in Jack’s arm and then muted the machines, leaving the room. Ethan watched her go. When he looked back at Jack, Bobby was staring at him and then smirked, which honestly, made Ethan want to piss himself. He’d never seen someone look so murderous before and he lived in New York.
“The band needs ya, too, Jackie.” Ethan swallowed when Jack glared at him and Bobby growled. Apparently, that nickname was for family only. “We need ya back in New York, man.”
Jack frowned and sighed. He wondered if Ethan was always that stupid. “My family needs me, Ethan. I’m not leaving.”
Ethan took a step towards the bed. He cried out as Bobby moved like lightning and grabbed him around the throat, literally throwing him from the room. “He said no. If I catch you near him ever again, I’ll knock your teeth so far down your fuckin’ throat you’ll have to eat corn with your ass.” Bobby closed the door and returned to his chair. “That guy is a fuckin’ jackass.”
Jack laughed and nodded. “I don’t remember him being like that, though.” He shrugged and winced as his right shoulder radiated pain. He lowered the gown and stared at the scar. “Bobby, I’m sorry.”
Bobby frowned. “The fuck for?”
“I can only imagine how expensive my stay here has been.” Jack placed his hand over the scar.
Bobby shrugged and glanced over his shoulder, as though expecting Ethan to walk in again. “Jerry’s takin’ care of it, man. Angel and me need to take a slight pay cut, though until we’ve paid it back.”
“What?”
Bobby smirked and shook his head. “I keep forgettin’ you were out of it, man. You remember Jerry’s dream? He’s got it up and goin’ and he hired on me and Angel. We’re takin’ home a smaller paycheck because of the repairs to the house and because of your stay.”
Jack lowered his eyes and dropped his hand. He bit the inside of his lower lip as he looked at Bobby. The other had his eyes lowered, as though lost in thought. He kicked off the blankets and looked at the bullet scars on his left calf and thigh. He glanced at Bobby and saw that he was staring at them as well, guilt written all over his face.
“Don’t blame yourself for it, Bobby,” Jack said and pulled the blanket over his legs. He knew that Bobby would always blame himself for what happened. Every time Bobby looked at him, he was reminded of every failure to protect him. “If I hadn’t been an idiot, it wouldn’t have…happened…”
Bobby’s eyes snapped to him as Jack trailed off in realization. Every time he was hurt badly, it was because he was doing something stupid. The first time he got the shit kicked out him was because he couldn’t sulk in his room. He had to leave the house, instead of just sitting on the back stoop. The second time he was hurt, he accepted a drink from someone he didn’t know very well and without checking to make sure it wasn’t tampered with. The last time, he wanted to get away from the arguing and wanted the distraction. It was a hell of a distraction. He couldn’t lie about that, at least.
“Jackie, it’s my job to keep you safe.”
“You can’t protect me from my own stupidity, Bobby.” Jack smiled reassuringly at him and was surprised when Bobby just looked away. He got the feeling that Bobby wanted to leave, but knew he couldn’t lest Ethan was waiting for the room to be empty and Jack really didn’t want to deal with him.
“I should be anticipatin’ your stupidity, ya little fairy.” Bobby stood up and started pacing again. Jack knew it was because he was restless.
Jack narrowed his eyes slightly and raised an eyebrow. “I think you did in New York,” he said with a smirk.
Bobby didn’t even falter in his step. “So, ya saw me in the clubs then?” he asked and cocked an eyebrow at the smirk on Jack’s face.
“You’re kinda hard to miss,” Jack said and grinned. Especially when I’m looking for you specifically, he added in his mind and pushed his shoulders back, cracking the top of his spine and smothering a yawn. “Seriously, though. When can I go home?”
“When Angel gets back, I’ll see if I can get ya released tomorrow.” Bobby stepped up to the bed and ruffled his hair. “Get some sleep, Cracker Jack. You still look like shit.”
Jack rolled his eyes, but settled down in the bed and closed his eyes. “I love you, Bobby.”
“I love ya, too, baby brother.” Jack wished he’d stop adding the brother part.
oOo
True to his word, Bobby managed to get Jack released the next day. The walk to the car had been a pain, but he managed it. The doctor told him that the more he used the leg, the stronger it would get, hopefully. Until then, he wasn’t to lift anything heavy or go on any fun-runs. Jack nodded, itching to get out of that room and into his own. He honestly couldn’t wait to see home again.
The ride back from the hospital was done in near silence. The doctor had given him a prescription for painkillers, which Jack didn’t want to use. The pain wasn’t that bad, except when he walked or in the case of his shoulder, when he sneezed. He nestled down in his jacket and yawned, wanting to pass out in his bed for the first time in months. Bobby had said that his room took extensive damage, but they’d managed to clean it up. Unfortunately, he lost some of his posters.
“Such is life,” Jack said, placing a hand on the tattoo between his hips. “I’d rather lose them than a brother or my life.” He rolled the packet of cigarettes between his hands after a while, also itching to have a hit of nicotine. He hated being stuck in a hospital room.
Bobby glanced at him, but said nothing as he continued to drive. He pulled up at the house and Jack looked at it. It seemed that the new windows had been painted. The bricks had been replaced. Honestly, it looked as though nothing had happened. Jack opened the door and slipped out of the car, being careful about the pressure he put on his leg.
His eyes strayed to the pole and he quickly looked away. He really didn’t want to think about that day and limped his way towards the front of the house. Bobby whistled and Jack looked over his shoulder. Bobby was holding his cane and Jack narrowed his eyes. He’d expressed his explosive dislike of the cane with Bobby in the room, but the doctor had said he would need it.
With a sigh, Jack took the damn thing from Bobby and continued making his way towards the house. The cold air seemed to whistle through the scars and he had to force the memory back. Bobby unlocked the door and Jack went inside, enjoying the warmth from the fireplace and made his way towards it. He jumped back, pursing his lips as Jeremiah, Angel, Sofi, Camille, Daniela and Amelia jumped up and screamed ‘Surprise’ to him from the dining room.
Jack grinned and made his way towards them, accepting a hug from everyone, while Bobby took his bag up to his room. Camille had cooked up a small feast for his return and Jack nodded. He noticed that the photos were hung up on the walls, still in the broken frames. He said that he’d be out back, having a smoke, after he thanked Camille for the hard work she did for him.
Once outside, the smile left Jack’s face and he sighed. He really wasn’t ready to deal with the whole family, considering he just got out of the hospital. He wanted to see them, but not so soon and not all at once. He wanted time to settle in first. He glanced to his right when someone joined him, not surprised to see Bobby there. He could hear the others setting up plates and cutlery for lunch.
“I told them to let you settle in first,” Bobby said, resting his hand on Jack’s neck. “But Camille had already started cooking, so we just decided to get it over with.”
“Bobby, I—”
Bobby shook his head. “If you can’t handle it, Jack, just go straight up to your room.”
Jack lowered his eyes and opened the packet of cigarettes, pulling one out. He patted himself down, trying to find his lighter. He glanced at Bobby as he struck one and lit the smoke, just rolling with it. He winced as he used his right hand. He thought about what Bobby said and really didn’t want to bail on them. He figured he could use the distraction. It would make him feel better, instead of sitting in his room with his thoughts.
He shivered and felt Bobby’s hand tighten slightly on his neck, before it disappeared, taking the warmth it produced with it. “Don’t stay out here too long, or you’ll be a snow fairy.”
Jack shook his head. “Fuck you, Bobby,” he said with a smile.
“Jesus, you really wanna get in my pants, don’t ya?” Bobby kissed the side of Jack’s head and ruffled his hair. “You’re still not my type,” he whispered and Jack turned his head.
Bobby’s eyes flashed with something that Jack wasn’t familiar with, but he stepped back and smirked, while Jack trembled and tried to get over the fact that he almost kissed his older brother. He’d been so close and he smelled so good. Jack finished his cigarette and crushed it out in the glass ashtray that he only just noticed was still there from when he lived there. He smiled and shook his head. She really didn’t change a thing, he decided as he went back inside and joined the others in the dining room.
Jack wasn’t there to see the progression, but he had to say he was pleased to see that people were smiling as they sat around the dining table. He took his seat beside Jeremiah, almost losing his balance and was thankfully steadied by his older brother. They laughed and talked and Jack actually felt a little like a stranger amongst them. He had discovered that the cops didn’t think that Mercer boys had gone straight, with regular jobs.
According to Jeremiah, that was because Bobby enjoyed getting drunk on Fridays and beating the shit out of anyone that said anything bad about the Red Wings or anyone that didn’t pay up from whatever bet they had with the Mercer boys.
Jack smiled and shook his head, ignoring the stab in his heart about the fact he probably wouldn’t be able to play hockey with his brothers again. He ate very little of what was on his plate, listening to Jerry explain to Angel and Bobby what he wanted done by next month, while Camille and Sofi stopped Daniela and Amelia from flicking their peas around, while talking about setting a date for shopping.
Jack glanced at the head of the table, where Mom would sit. He saw it empty and stood up abruptly, ignoring the pain his leg and limped out of the room. He went out the front and inhaled deeply, trying to get his shit together. He paced the length of the sunroom, running his trembling hands through his hair. He didn’t even register the pain or cold he was feeling. All he knew for certain was that he needed to get up to speed with the others.
In order to move on with his life, he had to deal with his grief. The only problem with that was he didn’t want to move on, not yet. He knew he was ten months behind the others, but that didn’t mean anything. They knew what he was like. They knew he would keep it all inside, until it exploded and Jack wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.
He turned and walked into a solid body. “For the love of fuck, Bobby! Would you leave me alone?”
“No,” Bobby said simply and sat Jack down on a chair. “What’s wrong?” Jack shook his head and closed his eyes when Bobby growled. “Tell me what’s wrong, or I beat it outta ya.”
Jack sighed softly and dropped his head. “I saw Mom.” He felt Bobby’s confused eyes on him and knew he’d have to explain in a little more detail. “While I was in the coma or maybe it was when I blacked or probably just before I woke up, I saw her.”
Bobby crouched in front of Jack, placing his hands on his knees. “What’s wrong with that?”
Jack gritted his teeth, trying to force back the tears. He figured he could cry himself to sleep that night. “It just reminded me how much I missed her,” he finally said, telling at least one truth.
“Oh, hell. Would you two just fuck already?” Angel asked as he stood in the threshold of the front door.
Bobby looked at Angel for roughly three seconds, before he was tackling him in the next second. Jack slumped in the chair and tilted his head back, closing his eyes. Angel was right on the money with him, but he could hear Bobby yelling that that Jack was his baby brother, which just made things worse for him. Energy drained completely, Jack stood up and limped his way into the house, past the wrestling brothers and up the stairs slowly.
He closed the door and pulled his shirt over his head, kicking off his shoes and collapsing onto his bed. He didn’t bother to look around and see how different it was. He just wanted to sleep and forget for a little while that he was messed up more than Bobby could guess. Just before he could pass out, something finally clicked to him and he sat up. He stayed in his room, thinking it through, even when Bobby came out the victor of the wrestling match.
Jack stayed in his room, saying goodbye to Jeremiah and his family through the door. He stood up and winced as the pain shot through him. He shook his head, telling his body to suck it up as he had more important things to do. He grabbed the shirt he’d pulled off before and tried to pull it back on.
“Fuck,” he said and dropped the material, realizing that he still couldn’t rotate or raise his shoulder. He shook his head and slipped his arms in and used his left arm to do most of the work.
Once covered, Jack left his room and limped downstairs. He found Bobby in the living room, sprawled out on the sofa as usual. Jack smiled at him and made his way towards the back door to grab his smokes. He was dying for one and it would give him time to pluck up his courage and question his big brother. Except, Bobby noticed that he’d walked by without a jacket on and shook his head, grabbing it and taking it through to him. Jack couldn’t remember the last time he was that absentminded.
Jack had just lit his cigarette when he felt his coat dumped on his back. “Thanks,” he said and slipped his arms through.
“Ya don’t have to smoke out here. We just want ya to open a couple of windows if you’re gonna smoke inside,” Bobby said as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
Jack shrugged his left shoulder. “Just easier for me to smoke outside, then.” Bobby nodded and headed back in. “Bobby,” he said and his brother turned. “I love you.”
“Random declarations of love indicate suicidal thoughts,” Bobby said and stood beside Jack. “Do I need to tie you down, to make sure you don’t kill yourself?”
Jack lowered his eyes, figuring that Bobby would only see as brotherly affection, but shook his head. “I’m not suicidal. I’d still tell ya if I was, man.”
Bobby sighed with relief and ruffled Jack’s hair. “Good. Keep it that way, ya little fairy. And don’t stay out too long without shoes on.” He went back inside after Jack nodded.
He did end up staying outside for quite a while and was forced inside when it started to drizzle. He removed his jacket and shook his head, kicking off his socks in the laundry room. He went into the living room and eased himself down in front of the sofa, pulling his knees to his chest. He winced as his right shoulder refused to cooperate with him and even found it to be a strain on his left leg. He shook his head and dropped his right arm and left leg.
As it was to be expected, Bobby was watching the game. Jack glanced at him and saw that his eyes were fixed on the screen. He took the time to look at his brother’s study body. He faced forward when he heard Angel and Sofi coming down the stairs. They said they were heading out to catch a movie and Jack nodded. Bobby told them not to stain the theater seats. Sofi shook her head and Angel rolled his eyes.
Once they left, Jack lowered his eyes and shifted. The moment a break came on, Bobby took the opportunity to grab a beer and Jack took his spot on the sofa, stretching out his taller body. He bent his right leg, knowing his left would protest and he made sure his shirt rode up a little, mostly enough to show off his ‘Such is life’ tattoo. Bobby walked in and paused.
“Would you be that quick to jump into my grave, as well?” he asked as he sat on an armchair and took a swig of his beer.
“If you warmed it up, sure,” Jack answered with a slight shrug.
They watched the game in silence. Once it was finished, Bobby had drained his beer and took the empty bottle through to the kitchen. He came back into the living and stood over Jack. “I want my spot back,” he said and Jack almost sat up, but decided against it.
“Your spot is gone, Bobby,” he basically sang out and stretched his legs.
“I will force you up, Cracker Jack.”
“Take pity on me,” Jack said and smirked. “I just got outta the hospital, man.”
“Jack,” Bobby said as he bent down and placed his hands on Jack’s waist. “That shit ain’t gonna fly.”
Jack gasped and then screamed with laughter as Bobby tickled him, while Bobby grinned down at him evilly. He tried to fight off Bobby’s hands, but he’d never been as strong as Bobby and working construction just made him even stronger. His hands seemed rougher than usual, as well, but felt wonderful on his skin as Bobby slipped his hands under his shirt. His eyes widened as he realized he was enjoying it too much.
He tried to push Bobby’s hands away. “I’m sorry,” he gasped out and tried to sit up. When Bobby realized what he was doing, he removed his hands. “It’s just more comfortable to lay out like that.”
“I know, baby brother. Why d’ya think I do it?” Jack stood up and Bobby took his spot, but pulled Jack onto the sofa. “Sittin’ on the floor probably ain’t good for ya, man.”
Jack shook his head and went to stand. “I’ll just take the chair, man.”
Bobby frowned and sat up. “You okay?” Jack nodded. “Ya know I love ya, right?”
That’s the problem! Jack’s mind screamed, but he smiled and nodded. He went to the armchair and sat down, pulling his right foot onto it, resting his chin on the knee as he stared at the screen. He tried to ignore Bobby’s eyes on him and focus on the highlights of the games that were played.
He relaxed when Bobby stood up and went upstairs. It didn’t last long, though. “I forgot to mention. When I was fixin’ up your room, I found this in the closet,” he said and held out a brightly wrapped gift.
Jack blinked and reached out; taking the Christmas present he never opened from Bobby. He never knew what happened to it and assumed that Angel or Jeremiah opened it for him. Judging by the size and thickness, it was a book. He looked up and Bobby nodded, so Jack opened it. He stared at the hard cover copy of Dr. Seuss’s best sellers. He choked on a sob, running his shaking fingers over the Cat in the Hat on the cover, watching as his tears dropped onto the glossy cover.
“Thank you,” he said and sniffed, looking up.
Bobby had an unreadable expression on his face and nodded. “You’re welcome, Jack.”
With a small smile, Jack opened the book to The Cat in the Hat. His chest tightened as he remembered first learning the words. He could still see Evelyn watching him from the doorway. He could see the proud gleam in her eyes as he read the first page to her. His smile stretched into a grin as he remembered the way Angel picked him up and spun around. His eyes slid over to Bobby as his brother lounged on the sofa.
The memory of Bobby reading the book to him slammed into his mind. Bobby had always been the most forceful of his brothers, when it came to helping him. He never gave Jack the space he wanted and enjoyed pushing his limits. Jack wondered if that was why he fell in love with him. He never pushed so far that it scarred him, but just enough to know that nothing he said or did would stop him.
“It hurts so much, Bobby,” Jack said and closed the book. His bit his lower lip, trying to keep the tears back. “Why does it hurt so much?”
“I don’t know, Jackie.”
Jack pursed his lips. He should’ve known that Bobby wouldn’t have all the answers. He raised his eyes and looked around the living room. The sofa and TV were different, but they’d managed to find the same shade of paint for the walls. He’d been out of it for ten months and he hadn’t been able to get his shit together. The memories were still destroying him.
He got to his feet and went to head for the stairs, except he found Bobby’s arms around him. “I wanna be alone, Bobby.”
“No,” Bobby said and held Jack tighter. “If it hurts, you tell me. Once a Mercer, always a Mercer.”
That was the breaking point for Jack. He collapsed against Bobby, lost in the tears and the memories of that house, the people that lived within the walls and the woman that showed him how to love and trust again. He let Bobby hold him, stroke his hair and hand him tissues. Five years he fucked around for. Five years he didn’t bother to call for Christmas or her birthday. He cut everyone off, because he was angry with Bobby.
He couldn’t stop any of the memories from bombarding him. He could only grip Bobby’s shirt, oblivious to the silent tears his brother was shedding, wanting to take his pain away. “Why won’t it stop?” he demanded, the memory of the last time Evelyn told Jack she loved him playing through his mind again.
Bobby lowered his eyes, gently rocking Jack as he cried. He knew the shame and guilt was clouding his mind, along with the pain of losing the only person that gave a damn about them. He tried his hardest to push the memories back, as well. He couldn’t believe that the scared kid he first saw that December eleven years ago was the same as the one in his arms. The only thing he saw when Jack was bleeding out on the snow was him, in the corner of his room, watching as Bobby read The Cat in the Hat to him.
“Why does it hurt?” Jack asked again and Bobby flinched.
“Because life sucks balls sometimes,” he answered and felt Jack’s strong fingers tighten their grip.
“You…You said to make better memories, so…so the bad ones don’t win,” Jack whispered through his sobs and buried his face into Bobby’s chest. “But the better ones…they hurt more!”
Bobby tilted his head down, kissing the top of Jack’s head. “I know they do, Jackie. They hurt more because you want to remember them. You want to remember the love and the happiness and the security she gave us. But then…you remember that it’s gone and it’ll never come back.” He winced as he remembered seeing her sitting outside the house, asking him if he’s going to stay a while. It had felt so good to see her, but he knew he would never see her again.
“Five years, Bobby!” Jack couldn’t stop, even if he wanted to. “Not one phone call!”
“You were running away from whatever hurt you that summer, Jackie. We never blamed you.” Bobby looked down when Jack fell silent. He frowned and checked his pulse, breathing out when he felt it and picked up his baby brother. He found himself grateful that Jack was such a skinny kid and took him up to his bedroom, tucking him into bed and glancing down at the glitter. “I’m sorry about what I did, Jackie.”
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Shadow of Blue