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Time Retreating	By : Ladykohl Category: Star Wars (All) > General Views: 8224 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Prologue
- 2-Part 1
- 3-Part 2
- 4-Part 3
- 5-Part 4
- 6-Part 5
- 7-Part 6
- 8-Part 7
- 9-Part 8
- 4
- 5
- 6
Author�s Note/disclaimer: A lot of dialogue in this chapter is from the movie AoTC. I�m not making any money and this story isn�t in heavy circulation... Translation? Please don�t sue. Thanks!

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Time Retreating
Part 4

�A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.�
~Jean de La Fontaine
I hate myself for my blindness.
If I truly would have opened my eyes to the truth... perhaps I could have saved him. Perhaps I could have saved us both. I could have shed light on the darkness that he dwelt in for so long... if only I had known.
It was after my advisory meeting with queen Jamillia and the other advisors... that I had seen the first glimpse of Anakin�s duplicity. We had turned to the subject of my safety and Sio Bibble had asked Anakin was his suggestion was - making the mistake of referring him as �master jedi�. I was quick to correct him, telling him that Anakin was still a padawan learner. I did not mean to upset him in any way. Being in public service for so much of my life had conditioned me to correct others� mistakes. After all... knowing our mistakes is the only way we can right what is wrong.
If you can correct them in time...
�Hold on a minute--� Anakin had started.
�Excuse me,� I said to him curtly - not realizing that I might as well have said �grown ups are talking�. �I was thinking I would stay in the lake country. There are some places up there that are very isolated.�
�Excuse me,� Anakin chimed in - sounding very annoyed. I looked at in confusion. �I am in charge of security here, Milady.� I nodded at him as one would nod at a child - trying to explain something to them.
�And this is my home. I know it very well... that is why we are here. I think it would be wise for you to take advantage of my knowledge in this instance.�
It was then that a dark and angry shadow settled over Anakin�s face. Looking at him it was not hard to see the battle that boiled beneath the surface as he fought to push the emotions away.
�Sorry, Milady.� It seemed that it took effort to push the words from his mouth. He narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw - biting his tongue so as not to say what he really wanted me to do with my knowledge. An uneasy feeling over took me as I could only stare at him and say nothing. Anger? I knew it was an odd thing for a jedi to feel such an emotion. Obi-Wan had always seemed at such peace. So calm. Anakin... he seemed more like a head strong child who wanted to lash out every time he didn�t get his way. For a moment, and only for a moment, I questioned his ability to protect me. When queen Jamillia spoke up again, I pushed the disturbing thoughts away. If I had been smart, I would have kept them close to my mind always... ready to pull them out and examine them at a moment�s notice.
It had always been difficult to make intelligent decisions where Anakin was involved.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That night, after Anakin had ravaged me with his fingers and lips, we both lay silently in my bed. He because he had fallen in to a deep exhausted sleep... and I because I could not believe what I had let myself do. I replayed the memories of his touch, his voice, and his body over mine in my head - and I was disgusted with myself. I stared up at the ceiling through the darkness that surrounded me from within and could feel the sting of tears in my tired eyes.
What had I done?
When he awoke... how was I going to tell him that nothing had changed? How was I going to tell him that I still could not - would not - be with him? Tears slipped down my face as my heart broke in two. Frustration and sadness over came me and I turned to my side - away from Anakin and his warmth. I did not deserve his warmth after what I had done to him. I had led him to a place that would be painful to pull back from. Suddenly my mind summoned up two very clear images. The first was Anakin�s face as he walked away from the balustrade the afternoon I told him I should not have kissed him. The second... was Anakin�s face as he ripped me up from the ground after I had run away from him.
A terrible feeling of fear pinched at the pit of my stomach.
When I forever crushed the dreams that he had for he and I... would he hurt me?
I took a shaky breath and pushed the images away - as I would always come to do when something about Anakin disturbed me. Of course he would not hurt me. He would never hurt me.
Gods, how wrong I�d been...
Anakin stirred beside me, and an arm was lazily thrown over my stomach - holding me to him possessively. My breath hitched for a moment as I feared that he was waking up. I was certain that he would be able to hear my thoughts the moment he became aware... and my thoughts were unpleasant enough when only I could hear them. I waited a few moments - holding my breath... but Anakin�s steady, unaltered breathing told me that he was still deep in sleep. I slowly let my breath out and continued thinking to myself.
�Holding your breath, Milady?� Came his soothing voice from behind me as he ran his hand through my hair. I jumped slightly at the sound - startled that he was awake after all.
He was a jedi... he could control things with his thoughts. Did I not consider that he could control his own breathing? He laughed softly at my reaction.
�I... thought you were still asleep.� I said quietly after I found my voice hiding deep in my throat. Anakin was silent at first... and then I felt his warmth move away from me. The bed shifted as he sat up.
�You regret what happened?� He asked, but the way he asked left me certain that he knew the answer. I swallowed, but said nothing. �Answer me, Padme.� His voice was soft - but I could hear his anger. I sat up slowly and was suddenly grateful for the darkness. If I had to look him in the eyes just then, I know I would have fainted.
�I should not have let you do that.� Anakin laughed shortly but he was quite un amused.
�Let me?� He asked incredulously. My heart contracted painfully in fear as I contemplated the meaning of those two words. Was he suggesting that I could not have stopped him even if I had tried? It was such a horrible thought that it sent my mind reeling from the force of it. I wanted to run away. I wanted to go home and curl up in bed with my mother. I wanted to be a child again - before I had ever met the man that sat in my bed... His hand ran softly down my cheek, and I flinched. He halted - and then pulled away. I could hear him take a deep breath, and the bed shifted once again as he stood up.
A hand began trailing up my leg from my ankle and I fisted the blankets at my side with a jerk. I moved my leg away from his touch, and he laughed lightly... and then the bed shifted once again as Anakin positioned himself on top of me in an instant. He lowered his face to my ear, and his tongue slowly licked along the back of it. A sigh escaped from my parted lips and I knew he was smiling.
�Let me?� He asked again - this time it was a suggestive whisper that caused my whole body to tingle in a most pleasant way.
�A... Anakin.� I tried to steady my voice. �This has to stop.� It was unconvincing - even to me. His hand trailed up my body to where the blanket met my chest... and he pulled it down slowly - exposing my breasts. His hand cupped and kneaded it firmly but gently and a feeling of wet need rushed between my legs. He licked and nibbled my ear slowly... until his lips began their descent to my neck. He sucked at the sensitive flesh where my pulse beat wildly... and then moved on to my chest. The sensations he was creating in me were intensely wonderful. I lost myself when his lips were on my body. His mouth traveled slowly to the breast that was not being held my his hand - and he swirled his tongue around the nipple. I hissed in pleasure... my body wanted him so badly even as my mind screamed for me to put a halt to it all. He began to use both his hands to rub my breasts in such a wickedly skilled way. He alternated between licking and caressing... sucking and kneading. Gods, it felt so good...
He moved slightly - and then ripped the blanket from my body - leaving me completely at mercy to his touch.
�Tell me you love me...� He whispered heartily in to my breasts. The command sent a wave of pleasure through my body, but I said nothing. His hand traveled down the inside of my thigh slowly until he touched my wetness. His fingers parted the wet folds before gently sliding inside my body. My whole body lurched forward and I called out his name. He began to thrust his finger in and out of me slowly - and I could feel his eyes watching me closely. �You�re wet, Padme...� He said in a voice that had grown heavy with desire. �And it�s for me.� He continued his thrusting and my hands twisted in his hair.
�Ana--uhhh.� I could not finish his name - the pleasure was too overwhelming.
�I want it...� He whispered... and before I could grasp what had happened, Anakin had positioned his face between my legs. He kissed my inner thighs for only a moment before his tongue darted out to taste what he had done to me. A loud moan of approval sounded from him and I arched my back to meet his tongue. It lapped up the flowing juices of my arousal and licked small circles around the spot it felt most pleasurable. I held his head down to the ache between my legs as I felt the sensations building. He must have sensed it in me for his pace quickened. He drank greedily from me - wanting every drop I had to offer.
�Anakin... Anakin... Anakin!� I exclaimed as waves of sweet release overcame me. Anakin . I bucked and shook against the feelings that I should not have been experiencing. Anakin held my thighs tightly and continued to drink what belonged only to him until there was nothing left. When he was finally done, he came up to rest beside me.
�You taste incredible.� He whispered. I shook at his words... as the pleasure subsided, guilt began to nestle itself comfortably in my chest.
�Anakin...� I nearly sobbed out. He ran his hand down my face, and I let him.
�I know it could never happen again.� He said after a long silence. His voice held no trace of anger or frustration. He was just a boy speaking to the woman that held his heart in her hands. The tension in my body subsided a little. �I understand... I just wanted to taste you before I let you go.� I shook again, and he paused. �Goodnight, senator.�

I heard his bare footsteps walk around my bed, and then out of the room.
It was then that I collapsed in tears.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next few days were pleasantly uneventful. Our roles had been reaffirmed. I was a senator, and Anakin was my protector. Our relationship could be nothing more than that, and he seemed to finally understand. He had stopped looking at me in that inappropriate way that made my skin crawl and tingle at the same time... and had made no mention of what happened that night in my room. I could not have been more grateful for this.
Once, and only once, in those days did Anakin�s resolve seem to slip for a moment.
Boredom had finally began to get the better of me - and I had decided to take a swim. It was such a shame to have such a beautiful lake to myself and never venture in to it.
Anakin had followed me out to the balcony, but despite my playful pleas had decided not to join me in the water.
�Being from a desert planet - I feel out of place in the water.� He had said as looked out over it. I remember thinking how Anakin did not seem suited to soft things... he was from sand, and he belonged in sand. I had nodded at him with a slight smile, and turned to the steps that led in to the lake.
�Padme,� He said suddenly as his hand clasped my arm. I turned to face him... a cold shiver ran over me as his eyes surveyed my body with a vaguely hungry gaze. I was suddenly aware of just how revealing my bathing clothes were. They hardly covered anything at all. He must have sensed that I was uncomfortable, because in a moment - the look was gone from his eyes and he let me go.
�Enjoy your swim, milady.� He said as he took a step back and bowed slightly... almost as though he were apologizing for his slip. I looked him over and nodded slightly.
�Thank you, Anakin. I am sure that I will.� With that I turned and stepped in to the water.
Anakin kept a watchful eye on me from the balustrade.
Our time together continued on that way... Amiable and pleasant... until the last night we were to be at the retreat.
~*~*~*~*~*~
We had been conversing quietly in the sitting room - a roaring fire as our back drop... I can not remember the story he had been telling me, but it had ended amusingly. I remember laughing loudly and for a long time... until I realized that he only stared at me with his mouth quirked up at the corner in a half smile. My laughter faded away - and I stared back in to his eyes. I knew what was coming. As he leaned in to kiss me, I turned away - sitting up straight in a very senatorial manner. All easiness had drained out of the room and all I could do was wait for Anakin�s next move. He was silent for a moment - but when he spoke, his voice was saturated in despair and frustration.
�From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony.� The word sent icy hands to wring at my heart. Force, how it hurt to see him in so much pain. �The closer I get to you, the worse it gets.� I moved away from him slightly. �The thought of not being with you... I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me.� A slight pause. �What can I do? I will do anything you ask...� The last part was spoken differently than the rest of his words had been. He was pleading with me... and I could not ease his pain.
Nor could I ease my own.
When I did not answer him, his desperation grew.
�If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.� I looked at him sadly.
�... I can�t...� I said softly, and then finding my voice I continued. �We can�t. It�s just not possible.� He reached for my hands.
�Anything�s possible, Padme. Listen to me--� I pulled my hands away from him and stood up. I turned to face him with the strongest resolve I could gather. I was going to have to hurt him now, and I knew it. Why did he force this one me? Why couldn�t he be the strong one?
�You listen,� I said forcefully. �We live in a real world. You�re studying to be a jedi... I�m a senator.� My voice softened a little, but I pushed on forcefully again. �If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion they will take you to a place we can not go. Regardless of the way we feel about each other.� I regretted the slip as soon as it had left my lips - knowing that Anakin would latch on to it, discarding everything else I said. He looked up at me suddenly.
�Then you do feel something!� He exclaimed. The conversation went on in a negative direction that way until he finally seemed to understand what I was telling him. Our futures were not our own to decide. We belonged to other things... and being together in secret would be just as hard as not being together at all. There was no easy path for us... the best thing to do was stay with the paths we had chosen for ourselves long ago.
The same dark shadow that had passed over his face when I had spoken down to him in front of the queen stole over his features. Again, he fought to suppress it.
�You�re right.� He said, finally, from his new standing position from across the room. �It would destroy us.� He stared at me a short while with a look on his face that told me he did not agree. His eyes almost narrowed at me... but the look faded away. The pain etched so deeply in his face, the tears that were visible in his eyes... it made it difficult for me to breath. I wanted to embrace him and soothe his sadness away with my touch. I could not. He looked me over once more, then bowed... not bothering with his usual �milady� as he turned to leave.
�Anakin--� He turned back to me - his eyes dulled and tired. I did not know why had called his name. �... Goodnight, Anakin.� was all I could say. He clenched his jaw, and bowed again. He turned from me and took a couple steps... he was nearly outside of the sitting room when he stopped abruptly. I creased my forehead as he turned around slowly. As I saw that his eyes had sparked back to life - and knowing that anger had been their fuel - my heart rate quickened immediately.
�Tell me one thing, senator.� He spat the word out. �Did that night in your bed mean nothing to you?� I could not find my voice this time. He advanced on me slowly, but I could not force my legs to move. �Answer me!� He said harshly, and the force of it made me jump. A twisted smile appeared on his face as he sensed my fear. �Didn�t you like the way I touched you? The way I made you--� His words were slow and seductive. I fought back the rush of memories they incited.
�Anakin.� I interrupted as my eyes fell to the ground - a blush creeping up my face. I wished so much that I could take it all back... but there was no correcting that mistake.
�Did you feel nothing?� He asked - his voice harsh again. I swallowed.
�I felt your hands on my body.� I chose the words carefully - leaving out any talk of any emotion I had felt. I would not tell him that I had felt so right with his hands on me... that he made me feel whole. I would not tell him that I loved him. I looked up and met his eyes - forcing mine to look absent. �That is all.� His jaw clenched, and with lightning fast speed he grabbed my arms painfully and pinned me up against the nearest wall - my arms above my head, his body pressed in to mine.
�My hands are on your body now.� He said roughly as he squeezed my wrists. I let out a small whimper - which caused him to smirk at me. I looked up at him helplessly - not liking this Anakin that hid beneath the surface of my handsome, sweet, mild tempered jedi. �That was not my hands on your body. That was me loving you.� He pushed against me harder - and I felt something hard against my stomach. I vaguely wondered if it was his light saber, but did not spend time thinking about it. I was terrified... unknowing of what Anakin would do when his last hope of love had been shattered. �Would you like to feel what just my hands on your body really feels like?� He squeezed again - and his nails dug in to my soft skin. Tears of pain slipped down my cheek, but Anakin�s eyes never softened.
�Please...� I started. He tilted his head as he looked at me... as though noting my pain, but not really thinking much about it. I grew cold as I realized I would rather him stare at me with eyes full of anger... than with eyes far away and detached.
�Please what?� He asked curiously. He was enjoying the power he had over me.
�You�re hurting me.� I said softly. He paused before saying anything - then he leaned in and caressed his cheek against mine.
�You�re hurting me.� He whispered.

He pulled back a little to inspect my face. Though he had said I was hurting him, and though I knew it was true... the only sign of pain I could see was hidden deep in his eyes. He was deriving pleasure from the actions he was taking... the more I hurt, the less he hurt.
�Let me in, Padme...� He said gently - but anger still lined his words heavily. �Love me. Ease both our pain.� I said nothing - I could only stare back in to those beautiful blue eyes that were spitting fire out at me. I saw no remorse for the pain he knew he was inflicting. He slowly leaned in to my mouth - and my breathing was no longer mine to command. Just when our lips touched - I turned my head to the side in defiance. He pulled back a little to look at me, and I met his gaze. Terrified though I was - I would not let him force his mouth on mine. He smiled down at me... and his smile was full of hate and something else that I could not make out. Sadness, perhaps. He slowly stretched my arms out to the side before bringing them down - and letting them go. His weight still held me pinned against the wall as he took my chin in one hand. He leaned in and planted a firm kiss on my forehead before backing away from me completely. He laughed and then bowed mockingly.
�Goodnight, milady.� He said, turned, and then left me alone in the room - feeling cold in spite of the raging fire. My hands flew to my face and I sobbed brokenly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I�d have been awake all that night even if Anakin�s anguished moans in his sleep hadn�t been keeping me up.
�No... mom. No... no!� My heart reached out to him - even though my arms did not.
Poor Anakin... so much weight on his shoulders. It was no wonder that he needed someone to love. Someone to love him. He needed someone to ease the weight... someone to share it with. Someone to fill the hole in his life that his mother had left when he was no longer able to see her. I know he felt guilty about leaving her behind. How I wanted to be the person to help him...
The next morning - I sought him out. My concern for him won over my fear of him, and I had hoped that he would be passed his dark mood.
He was not in his room, and the doors that led out to the balcony were open - so I went through them. When I saw that he appeared to be meditating. He looked like a god in the morning light. My stomach did a flip, and I immediately turned to leave him in peace.

�Don�t go.� He said as soon as I turned. I faced him - a little unnerved by his knowing I was there.
�I don�t want to disturb you.�
�Your presence is soothing.� I said nothing for a few moments. It seemed that he was back to being my jedi - and not the dark thing that lived inside him. The dark thing would not tell me that my presence was soothing. He would have told me not to go because he said so.
�You had a nightmare.� I said finally.
�Jedi don�t have nightmares.� He lied.
�I heard you.� I pushed. He looked down, then turned to me.
�I saw my mother.� He admitted to me - and closed the gap between us. The desperation was evident in his eyes as he spoke, and I felt my heart open up to him once again. � saw her as clearly as I see you now. She is suffering, Padm�... I know I'm disobeying my mandate to protect you, Senator, but I have to go. I have to help her!� He finished, and I knew there was only one thing I could do.
�I�ll go with you.� I asserted.
�I'm sorry, Padm�. I don't have a choice.� He looked so lost... so much like that little boy I knew all that time ago. I wanted to protect him from all the pain that he had to suffer... I wanted to take it and make it mine so he would never have to feel the sting of sadness or loneliness again. I loved him so much!
�Anakin...� I said as I cupped his cheek in my hand. �You will not go through this alone. I will go with you wherever you have to go... and I will help you in any way I can.� He closed his eyes against my touch for a brief moment, and then opened them with a shake of his head.
�No... it wouldn�t be safe for you.� tears rolled slowly down his face. I brought my other hand up so that I was holding his head.
�I�m safe with you.� He closed his eyes once again.
�Padme, I--�
�Shhh...� He opened his eyes and grabbed my wrists - gently bring them down. He looked in to my eyes as he held my hands tightly - but not painfully.
�I love you, Padme.� He said firmly through clenched teeth, but there was no anger behind it. Only sincerity. I wanted to say it back with everything that was inside of me, but I remained quiet. �I don�t know why you are being so kind after...� He trailed off. I threw my arms around his shoulders and we embraced tightly.
�Do not worry about my kindness... it comes from a good place.� I whispered to him. I could feel him shaking subtly.
�You�re my angel.� He responded. �You always have been.�
I closed my eyes and let myself receive his warmth... and that was the moment I knew I could not fight him forever.
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Time Retreating