The Adventures of Leigh and Leia: The Labyrinth

Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story.
Author's Note This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"

And now chapter 5: Of Deserts and Desserts, in which our erstwhile heroines find that denying pleasure is just the first, sometimes painful, step.

.:O-O:.


Leigh wandered through the dusty, red desert canyons, complaining to herself, since Bob had up and disappeared. It was so like a male. Especially her second to last boyfriend.

It was hot… dry… hot… very bright… hot, and where were her sunglasses!? God, her head hurt, and the bright sun made it so much worse. She searched her pockets, but no luck. The only thing there was a half-melted packet of peanut butter cups. She squinted off into the hazy distance and wet her lips. She was having trouble remembering why she was wandering around lost and alone beneath a hot desert sun. She was soooo thirsty. And where was the alcohol, because isn’t the best cure for a hangover to have a shot of something, anything? That was what she needed…a little hair of the dog…

Hair of dog. The thought made her stomach churn. Why would they call it that? Really, who would want to drink dog hair…cause it really smelled when it was wet. Really, really smelled…like the Bog…only not. But in a similarly foul way.

Now that she thought about it, the smell of the bog reminded her of the way she imagined it smelled on that one crime investigation show where they were cleaning the bones of that guy that decomposed in the sealed waste drum for, like, 6 months. I mean they basically poured slimy green, black goo that used to be human out of a barrel and it looked so gross it had to have smelled just as bad as the bog. They did say you can never get that smell out of your skin…Just like the bog!!!

She’d figured it out. The bog was made of decomposing bodies and nobody knew it but her!!!! It was probably the remains of all the idiots who lost to the Goblin King…but not her. She was entirely different. She’d been drunk when she wished Leia away (still was really) Surely that would count as an extenuating circumstance. Diminished capacity or something. He wouldn’t turn her into bog goo for that…

She continued pacing over the dry cracked ground, back and forth, staring at her sandaled feet, worrying over her gooey fate and idly noting that under all the red dust she needed a new pedicure. Off to the side sat Bob. Yes…the pegicorn was back, and it was sitting…like a dog…just watching. Leigh hadn’t noticed yet. His big head was swinging back and forth, watching her pace in circles with a predatory gaze…or what might have been called predatory were it coming from an actual predator.
Leigh continued pacing and muttering, muttering and pacing, in ever larger circles, each time drawing closer and closer to Bob’s location. Finally he could stand it no longer, and when she got in range he suddenly craned his neck forward and snapped at her hip, just barely scrapping the denim. “Gah! Bob! Where did you come from?” she yelped, jumping back.

His large, powerful, brilliantly white teeth snapped shut with a loud click. Why are his teeth so damn white, they’re better than mine dammit! Talk about unfair. “Dammit, Bob. You scared me,” she said out loud, “There are better ways to get my attention. I know you love me and all, but…wait…what…Bob, what are you doing?” She backed away as he made another attempt at nipping at her jeans. He scooted along the ground on his rump, tail switching back and forth like some great cat, following her retreat. “Stop it Bob!” (Nip) “Stop it, I just don’t think of you that way Bob.” (Scoot, scoot, nip) “Bob, this is completely inappropriate. I just met you.” (Nip, nip, scoot) “I can’t believe this. I thought I knew you Bob. I thought you were my friend. But you’re just a single-minded, sex fiend like every other man I know!” Bob stopped moving, an affronted look entering his eyes, and stood up huffily, his wings ruffling in agitation.

Leigh snickered. “What, don’t like me calling it as I see it, eh? What else am I s’posed to think with you coming on to me like some vampire who hasn’t eaten in a month, and ya know…last time I checked you didn’t look like Jean-Claude.” Her voice ended in an accusatory whisper, as if he were somehow at fault for not being a centuries old French master vampire. Bob just stopped, a dumbfounded and thoroughly confused look on his long face.

“And furthermore,” she continued, her voice rising in outrage, “where have you been? You were supposed to be my guide and look where I end up…in a desert…a hot, bright, very, very dry desert.” Her voice subsided, becoming almost calm. “But I’ll give you another chance, because I’m such a nice person. I’m thirsty. I want a drink. So, Bob, lead the way.”

Bob blinked at her for half a heartbeat before a calculating look entered his eyes. With a toss of his head, he pranced ahead of her and around the corner. “Finally,” she muttered, trudging after him. Turning the corner she almost ran into the pegicorn’s rump for he had stopped, staring at something glimmering in the distance. With a joyful cry of “Water!” Leigh skipped toward the oasis, only to smack flat into a solid rock wall after three steps.

Dazed she stumbled back. “What the?” she muttered, confused. She focused her eyes ahead and realized that what she had thought was an oasis in the distance was actually a very realistic mural painted on the canyon wall. “…is this your idea of a sick joke, Bob?” she demanded, whirling around to face him. “Who paints an oasis on a canyon wall in the middle of the desert?” He snorted and nudged his nose toward a small brown plaque near the base of the wall. Crouching down, Leigh studied the small inscription. And then read it again, just to be sure she had it right.


This mural is courtesy of the Labyrinth Beautification Project. This wall has been adopted by Overlord Damien, Fish of the Underworld. To join the Adopt-a-wall program, please contact the Main LBP office, located in the Castle beyond the Goblin City. Ask for Twiggy the Goblin.


Leigh blinked, sure she had read it wrong. She was just about to turn to Bob to confirm the bizarre sign, when once more he nosed her hip. This time she overbalanced, swatting at him and tipping sideways away. But instead of landing on the hot, dry ground, she kept falling, down, down, down into damp, dark, blessed coolness. Or so she might have noticed if she wasn’t screaming in terror, “Not agaaaiiiiin……”

Leigh’s scream echoed endlessly in the darkness, cut off by an “oomph” when she hit the ground. The very, soft ground. She grinned. “Hey, Leia.”

Leia groaned. “Did you have to land on me?” She shoved ineffectually at Leigh, attempting to push her off. “And how do you know it’s me anyway?”

“That’s easy,” she grinned broader, though with the absolute lack of light, Leia could not see the warning. There was a rustle of clothing. “This is how I know you’re Leia.”

Leia let out an indignant yelp. “Hands off! You lecherous drunk, I’m not a guy and I don’t swing that way.” Her anger lent her strength enough to get Leigh off of her.

“It doesn’t matter how drunk I am, I could never mistake you for a guy,” Leigh assured her friend. Another warning sign went unseen. “You have these!” She crowed gaily, reaching in the darkness to grope her again.

They grappled blindly, Leia trying to fend off her suddenly touchy-feely friend.

“How would you like it, huh,” she shouted as she grabbed Leigh’s chest.

“Why Leia, I’m positit- positibly shocked. Shocked, I tell you, just shocked.” The redhead was in fact so shocked that she continued her very determined attempts at molesting the woman without pause.

“You closet lesbian, knock it off.”

“Make me. Ow, hey, that was my foot you just stepped on!”

“Good!”

“Bitch!”

“That’s Ms. Bitch, bitch. Ow, damnit! Don’t make me hurt you.”

“You do, you do hurt me. Every time you open your mouth! Haven’t you heard of TicTacs? Hey! No hair-pulling!”

They lapsed into a silence broken frequently by curses and shrieks of pain and surprise; fighting blindly like the girls they were. Unknown objects were knocked over, clanging, banging, or clattering loudly on the stone floor.

The swearing became less frequent as both women fought more and more seriously. With each passing moment they scuffled less and sparred more. In the darkness, the mini battle became a contest of aikido skills and one-up-man-ship. Though the contest was quite inadequate as attempted maneuvers and throws were interrupted when one woman or the other or both would trip over one of the many somethings that now lay on the floor.

The relative silence was suddenly broken by “Ha! Iriminage! I am so better than you.”

“Yeah,” came a choked voice. “If iriminage meant ‘clothesline’.”

“What? You mean I did it wrong? Here, let me try again.”

“Sure,” the voice answered quickly. “If I get to be nage this time and you take the fall.”

“Are you nuts? You’d strangle me! Do I look stupid to you?”

“If I could see you…Do you really want me to answer that?”

“Shut up!” She dove through the blackness to where she had heard her opponent. Contact! The fight resumed with even greater zeal.

And such was the cause that resulted in the discovery of a door. Well, it was a door now. They squinted against the sudden light, lying on their backs trying to breathe normally.

Leigh rolled her head to look at Leia through a tangle of hair. “You’re still a bitch.”

The two friends clambered to their feet, brushing dust and other less savory substances from their clothes. Leigh jumped when Leia gave a sudden screech and started dancing around like some crazed teenager high on ecstasy at a rave. “What are you doing?!?” she snapped, more than a little irritated that the beat down had been interrupted.

Leia froze and looked sheepish. “Ah, spider. Sorry.”

Leigh just heaved a long-suffering sigh and rolled her eyes. “Idiot,” she muttered as she peered into the next room through the entryway that had been created by their haphazard tumble. “Hey, there’s a door this way.”

“We’re not supposed to be helping each other.” Leia pointed out.

“Fine, you stay here and pretend I didn’t tell you.”

Leia grumbled something beneath her breath that sounded suspiciously like “I should be so lucky.” She pushed Leigh out of the way and marched up to the door. She tried the knob, but it was stuck fast. “Locked, dammit. I don’t suppose you have a key...no…wait…” She paused and pulled a strange object out of her pocket, looking at it speculatively.

Leigh, irritated at her distraction, shoved her out of the way in turn. Reaching into her back pocket she whipped out her credit card. She grinned wickedly at Leia. “Platinum. Never leave home without it.” She slid the card between the door and the jamb and with a swift jiggle the lock popped.

“Leigh!” Leia gasped with mock shock, “I had no idea you possessed such questionable skills!”

“Let’s just say that boyfriend last year that disappeared? Well, there were police involved, but he taught me some tricks before he…um…went away.” And with that she opened the door.

A golden light spilled through the open door. Beyond it they heard a heavenly choir. Or at least they thought they should hear one given the visual feast that awaited them beyond the threshold.

“Men!” Leigh squealed. And men there were, everywhere. They draped, lounged, lazed, sprawled and straddled in various stages of strategic dress…or undress. And they all beckoned, with hands, with looks, with voices like mellow whiskey. Leigh took one longing step forward before she was brought up short by the door slamming in her face. Leia stood with two hands holding the door solidly shut.

“Wha..why? Why would you…?” Tears shimmered unshed in Leigh’s green eyes. She grabbed Leia’s shoulders and slumped dejectedly. “Men. Hot…sexy…STRAIGHT! Why would you do such a thing?!?” She ended up shaking her friend violently. “They never open up into the same room, don’t you remember that! Couldn’t you let me have this one bit of happiness? What kind of friend are you???”

“There was no chocolate,” Leia said matter-of-factly. “What kind of seduction doesn’t have any chocolate?”

“Who cares???” Leigh sobbed.

“I do,” she said, “ I’m only looking out for your best interest.” She patted Leigh’s head patronizingly. “Oh look,” she pointed behind her friend, “another door; let’s try this one.” Without giving her friend a chance to protest, she dragged the taller woman, still frozen in shock, across the room to the other door. She tried the frail looking doorknob. "Oooh. Locked again.” She contemplated the door a moment before her eyes lit up with an idea. With a mighty “Hyah” she kicked at the door. The old door gave a groan before falling inward into the new room. “Not anymore.” she said with a smirk. “You’re not the only one with mad skills.”

Leigh stared mournfully at the other closed door, before turning to look hopefully into the new room. “There’s no men,” she moaned pitifully.

“You gave up men, remember? Besides, there’s something better.” Leia stepped into the room.

“I gave up real men,” she grumbled, “not sex gods in a whacked out alky induced hallucination.” She followed her friend blindly into the new room.

“This is better. How often can you caress one of these?” she asked. Leigh looked up hopefully only to see Leia holding up a Stradivarius in perfect condition despite the obvious signs of age and use. Leigh just gave a choked sob, turning to look back only to find the doorway had disappeared.

“Why couldn’t we be stranded in a room with hot men?” she said, “Hot, willing, STRAIGHT, almost naked men.”