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Forbidden Longing	By : PyramidHead316 Category: Star Wars (All) > General Views: 4286 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: George Lucas owned Star Wars, which is now owned by Disney. This is merely a work of fan fiction. We make no profit off of this fic.

Chapter List
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Chapter 4: A Disturbing Point of View
Anakin waited impatiently for Obi-Wan to answer the door of his apartment. To say he was nervous about the upcoming discussion would be an understatement of Hutt-sized proportions. The safety and security of his marriage to Padme, along with his career as a Jedi and quite possibly his very life as Anakin Skywalker rested on the shoulders of the man he came to talk to.
And Obi-Wan wouldn’t answer the door.
Was he doing this on purpose? Anakin wondered. Telling him it’s all right to talk to him and then leaving Anakin outside to wait while his nervousness increased? Anakin didn’t believe his Master would be that petty, but then again, neither did he believe Obi-Wan would ever pretend to be drunk, follow him to Padme’s apartment, and then watch while he made love to his wife…until it happened the night before. Perhaps he should start expecting the unexpected from his once predictable former Master.
What am I doing here? Anakin asked himself rhetorically. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, it wasn’t likely Obi-Wan was going to change his mind about telling the Council. Anakin considered Obi-Wan more than just his former Master; he was the second most important person in his life, right behind Padme. He was a mentor and a close friend, almost like a brother. He thought Obi-Wan felt the same. Yet no matter how close the bond between them was, Obi-Wan was still a very strict Jedi Master. He was probably one of the best, or worst, supporters of the Jedi Code around. The question was whether that devotion to the Code was stronger than the friendship he shared with Anakin or vice versa.
Anakin didn’t truly believe his Master would bend the rules like that just for him, but it was their only chance at resolving this without Anakin losing his entire career as a Jedi
And there was still the issue of that strange kiss…
Anakin shook away the unsettling thoughts. One thing at a time, he told himself. He had the feeling there was something there that really needed discussing. But Padme took priority first. Once that was settled, maybe Anakin could bring up the question that had been plaguing him all day since the morning.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Obi-Wan answered the door and let him in. Anakin noticed right away that his Master looked slightly more rested and figured that he had gotten some sleep. However, he did spy a half-full glass of Corellian brandy nearby. Apparently Obi-Wan was still enjoying his liquor. Not a good sign, he thought to himself. While Obi-Wan did have a taste for such beverages, he wasn’t one to drink often. For him to be having a drink so soon after their recent trip to Dex’s made Anakin feel rather uneasy about the looming discussion.
This wasn’t typical Obi-Wan behavior. He only hoped it was just an odd decision on Obi-Wan’s part and not an omen of things to come.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, rather gruffly. Anakin nodded and made his way inside.
Anakin sat down in the chair, while Obi-Wan took a seat on the sofa across from him.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Master, are you really going to tell the Council about us tomorrow?” Anakin asked.
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t?” Obi-Wan asked harshly.
“Master, we’re both really sorry we never told you. But, please try to understand. We fell in love and we were both scared of what it would mean. We tried to fight our feelings, but we couldn’t. So, we decided to keep our love a secret. You’re like a brother to me Obi-Wan and Padme and I both think so highly of you. We’re sorry for hiding it from you,” Anakin pleaded.
“So you come to me now, begging me to keep your dirty little secret,” Obi-Wan scolded.
Anakin lowered his head.
“I’m sorry Master, but I love her. And I love being a Jedi. I just don’t see why I can’t have both,” Anakin argued. Obi-Wan sneered.
“Aren’t we being a little selfish?” Obi-Wan shot back.
“Obi-Wan, haven’t you ever been in love?” Anakin asked. Obi-Wan looked at him sharply.
Should I tell him? Obi-Wan wondered. How could he not think of his secret dilemma when faced with such a question?
He had little in the way of the experience with matters of the heart. There was Siri Tachi when he was a teenager, but looking back on that experience, Obi-Wan saw that it was merely infatuation; little more than lust born from the raging hormones of youth. It was nothing approaching what most people would call “love”.
But there was his attraction to Anakin…
He still wasn’t sure what that attraction entailed. Was it love or was it something less substantial? Obi-Wan preferred to think it was the latter. He would be a complete hypocrite if he lectured Anakin on why love was forbidden while harboring an attachment of his own.
However, he was certain his feelings weren’t just infatuation. There was a bond there, a mutual respect and trust that he and Siri never had. Not to the extent he and Anakin shared. That was why he needed to choose his words carefully.
“No, I haven’t,” Obi-Wan said. Anakin was silent as he continued, “However…I have felt the pull of strong attraction to someone. That is why I know what you’re going through. Anakin, the Jedi don’t expect us to be celibate. We experience the same physical urges as everyone else and we are allowed to satisfy those urges if necessary. Nowhere in the Code does it say that we should remain celibate at all times.”
“But as Jedi, we have to remain above personal bias. That is why when or if we do satisfy ourselves with another individual, we must take great care not to form an attachment to them. We cannot allow ourselves to ‘fall in love’, as the rest of the galaxy claims. A Jedi must maintain some level of detachment from anyone he chooses to consort with. Your duty as a Jedi should be to the Republic and the Code above all, not to a single woman you could lose at any time. Do you understand what I am saying?” Obi-Wan finished in a stern, measured tone.
The Jedi Master thought his logic was impeccable. Anakin disagreed.
“Oh I see. So it’s all right if I use her body to satisfy myself, is that it? But anything more than that, any shred of emotion for her, and suddenly it’s wrong? And you say I’m in the wrong here?” Anakin demanded with disgust.
“Anakin, you’re not listening!” Obi-Wan exclaimed with exasperation. “You’re choosing not to listen to what you know is the truth!”
“And what truth is that? That the Order has lost all touch with reality?”
Obi-Wan nearly let out a sharp retort, but instead he sighed, brushing a hand tiredly over his face.
“You still haven’t told me why attachment is so bad. Look around us, Obi-Wan. If it weren’t for attachment none of us would be here! How could people exist without love?”
“Anakin…”
“That’s what makes us different from animals, Master. The ability to love, to think, to feel whatever we want. If it weren’t for that, there would be no Jedi Order in the first place!” Anakin insisted.
“Anakin, I realize what you’re saying. Believe me, I really do. I’m well aware of the mechanics behind the creation of most sentient beings,” Obi-Wan sighed. “However, you’re overlooking one vital thing: most people aren’t Jedi.”
Obi-Wan let that linger for a moment before he continued.
“We are. As Jedi, we have been chosen for a purpose much greater than ourselves. In order to fulfill that purpose, we must be prepared to let go of some things other people take for granted. You knew this when you accepted Qui-Gon’s offer to come with us to Coruscant.”
“No, I didn’t,” Anakin shook his head. “Qui-Gon told me it was a hard life, but I didn’t realize it would mean living like some kind of emotionless machine. Believe me, if I’d known becoming a Jedi would require me to sacrifice all my friends and family, I would rather have stayed on Naboo or gone back and freed my mother.”
Obi-Wan’s eyes narrowed. But Anakin wasn’t fazed. He was too frustrated to be intimidated by Obi-Wan’s patented stern glare.
“Obi-Wan, you say we’ve been chosen to serve the galaxy. Maybe you should ask yourself: chosen by whom? The Force or the Council? Because I can’t possibly believe the Force would want us to live this way,” Anakin stated.
Silence. Obi-Wan was at a loss on what to do. The circumstances were different, but in effect, it was the same old argument he and Anakin had been having for years, and for years before that with Master Qui-Gon. The will of the Force or the will of the Council: which was the correct one to follow? Come to think of it, Obi-Wan still hadn’t found a definite answer one way or another.
All he knew was that the Council served the Code and the Code had served the Jedi well. If it really was as inhuman as Anakin claimed, wouldn’t the Order have collapsed by now? By Anakin’s reasoning, there should be dozens, if not hundreds of Jedi challenging the Code and the rule of the Council. Then again, it wasn’t like many other Jedi had a chance to question the rules that bound their lifestyle. Having been trained from infancy, those beliefs and statutes were deeply ingrained in most Padawans by the time they reached adulthood. Only the occasional maverick like Qui-Gon Jinn or Nejaa Halcyon rose to defy the Council more than once. Wasn’t that proof enough that the system worked? That Jedi could be content with their lives without partaking in attachment?
Obi-Wan released a deep sigh. They could go in circles about this indefinitely. It was time to get back to the true subject at hand – what to do about Anakin’s breach of the Code.
“…We could argue about this forever, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said. “Besides, the Jedi Code is not the subject open for debate right now. Regardless of the morality of the Code, the fact remains that you have broken it. What do you intend to do about it?”
“I’m not going to report it to the Council, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Anakin scoffed.
“Anakin, they have to know about this,” Obi-Wan insisted.
“Why? So you don’t end up looking like the bad guy for doing it instead? Master, you know what they’ll do to me!”
“Perhaps you should have thought of that before you entered this illicit relationship with the Senator,” Obi-Wan said. The disapproval was clear in his tone and it rankled on Anakin’s nerves.
“I did think about it! When Padme and I were married, the worst that could have happened to me was getting expelled from the Order. How was I to know the Council would develop this ridiculous policy of banishing anyone who disagrees with them?”
“I’m sure they wouldn’t do that to you,” Obi-Wan said.
“Oh please. You know they would, Obi-Wan,” Anakin retorted. “Master Windu hates me, and none of the others like me either, except for Shaak Ti. There’s no way I would make it out of that chamber without being exiled and you know it.”
Obi-Wan sighed deeply. Much as he hated to admit it, Anakin had a point. His former Padawan was not among the Council’s favored Jedi. Even though this breach of the Code on his part was not as bad as say…attacking another Jedi, the Council would still see it as an opportunity to get rid of the most prominent thorn in their side, and bestow quite a punishment on Anakin for all his past transgressions.
Perhaps Obi-Wan could use that to his advantage…
“Anakin, that won’t happen. I,” he stressed, “won’t let if happen, if only you just do what you know is right.”
“Leave Padme,” Anakin said flatly.
“Yes. Anakin, I know it would hurt, but think of the consequences if you stay together. Not only would you be expelled from the Order and exiled to some distant planet faraway planet, but Padme’s political career would be ruined if your secret was exposed, and she would be left heartbroken by your permanent absence in her life. Do you really want to put her through that?”
Inside Obi-Wan grimaced. He had no genuine sympathy for the senator who had driven Anakin into this sordid, tangled dilemma, but he had to appeal to Anakin’s supposed ‘love’ for Amidala in the hopes that it would lead him to a favorable decision.
“I can’t do that, Obi-Wan,” Anakin replied vehemently. “To leave her would destroy us both. There would be no point on moving on with our lives if we knew we could never be together again.”
“Anakin, your lives are already about to be destroyed if you insist on staying together. Don’t be foolish, Padawan. Make the sensible choice here. Choose the option that you know is right.”
On someone else, Obi-Wan’s persuasive words might have had the intended effect. But Anakin knew better. How could it be right to abandon the woman he loved over a rule that made no sense whatsoever? Couldn’t Obi-Wan see? He wasn’t happy with the Order. He had never been happy there, because the Jedi were not what he expected them to be at all. How could he sacrifice the best thing in his life for something he didn’t believe in? It was Padme who inspired him – her love and her acceptance were what drove him to be a better person, to fight harder than he ever had before she came into his life. Without her, he was nothing.
“I can’t do that, Master,” Anakin said, quietly but firmly.
Obi-Wan was at a loss on what more to say, until he realized there was only one thing left to barter with. Clearly Anakin would not persuaded by rules and regulations, and the logic behind them. But perhaps he would submit to an appeal made by a friend, if that friend revealed just how much he needed Anakin in his life.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan began. “If it’s companionship you require…I would be quite willing to help out, if it would draw you away from Amidala.”
“What?” Anakin asked, unsure as to what his Master was getting at.
“Anakin, do you recall what I said to you earlier about me knowing what it was like to be attracted to someone?”
“Yeah.” He didn’t know why, but an odd feeling suddenly took hold in Anakin’s stomach.
“Didn’t you wonder, if only for a moment, just who that person actually was?”
“Obi-Wan, what exactly are you talking about?” Anakin wasn’t in the mood to play games, and that strange feeling inside him was getting stronger. Something wasn’t quite right here.
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. He was deliberately hesitating, trying to delay the revelation that would change his relationship with Anakin forever. He decided to just go ahead and be honest, and throw caution to the wind.
“Anakin…that person is you.”
Silence.
“What?” Anakin exclaimed.
“I know how it sounds, but it’s true. I don’t know why or how it happened after all this time together, but…I have formed an attraction to you.”
“Obi-Wan…” Anakin gaped at his former Master. Of all the things he may have expected his Master to say, this was sure as hell not one of them. He was at a complete loss on what to say. How could…how was this possible? It couldn’t be. How could the great Obi-Wan Kenobi, perfect Jedi role model, stoic defender of the Jedi Code, have a crush on his own Padawan?
Suddenly that kiss from the night before made a frightening level of sense. Obi-Wan wasn’t just playing drunk because of his suspicions about Anakin, he was testing Anakin to see how he responded to that kind of affection from his former Master. It was a safe bet to assume his reaction didn’t please his Master. Was that why Obi-Wan followed him? Anakin wondered. Not just because he was suspicious, but because he was also feeling stung by Anakin’s casual rejection?
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan continued, disregarding the conflict emanating from his Padawan.
“I know it’s difficult to believe. I barely believe it myself. But if you try to grasp the situation, you’ll realize that this could work out well for both of us.”
“What?”
“Anakin, let me help you. You don’t need Senator Amidala or her ‘love’. If you’ll just give me the chance, I know I will be able to help you rid yourself of this unhealthy emotional attachment.”
Anakin felt his jaw drop. Was Obi-Wan actually suggesting…? No, that couldn’t be. Never in a million years could Obi-Wan Kenobi be suggesting that Anakin have an affair with him.
“Obi-Wan, you can’t be serious!”
“Why not? Would it really be so bad? Aren’t we already close friends?” Obi-Wan countered.
“Obi-Wan, I don’t feel that way about you! I love Padme.”
“Friends help each other in their time of need,” Obi-Wan said, ignoring Anakin’s declaration. “And while my first duty is to the Council and the Jedi Order, I would be quite willing to bend the rules this once, if it would only help you realize what it is you need to do.”
“Then why don’t you just help Padme and I keep our secret?”
“Because that is something I cannot do. I cannot stand by idly and watch you throw away your life for that woman,” Obi-Wan said.
“That woman is the most important person in my life,” Anakin replied, causing Obi-Wan to wince. “And if you were really my friend, you wouldn’t ask me to give her up for anything!”
“Anakin, I’m giving you a chance to save your career as a Jedi. Don’t be foolish enough to pass it up!”
“Obi-Wan,” Anakin started, but then reconsidered. “Never mind. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here.” He started to leave.
“And go where? To the woman who’s ruining your life and our friendship?” Obi-Wan demanded.
“Obi-Wan –”
“Look at us, Anakin. We’re fighting and we’re at each other’s throats, and it’s all because of her. Doesn’t that tell you just what kind of damage her influence is capable of doing to us?”
“I’m leaving,” Anakin said, ignoring his Master’s accusation.
“Fine, but this isn’t over. We are going to talk about this again. One way or another, this issue will be settled,” Obi-Wan said sternly. Anakin frowned – it almost sounded like a threat.
“Whatever,” he remarked. Just before he left, he risked a glance back at his former Master. And what he saw startled him.
Obi-Wan’s eyes were smoldering with disapproval and anger, but now there was something new. Mixed with that anger and unwillingness to accept Anakin’s situation was what seemed like a hint of lust in his Master’s eyes. It was a brief flicker of emotion, almost imperceptible, but it was there.
And that worried him. Suddenly everything had changed. No longer was this just Obi-Wan’s usual adherence to the Jedi Code. Now he had a clear and cut reason for why Obi-Wan wanted him to separate from Padme. Anakin sighed as he headed towards his speeder.
What was he going to do?
~*~
Anakin arrived home completely dejected. He walked past Threepio without even acknowledging the droid’s pleasant greeting. He felt like he was falling into an abyss and the one that had knocked his feet out from under him had been his own Master...his brother. Obi-Wan really couldn’t be serious, could he? But the hungry look Obi-Wan had given him, as he left his former Master’s apartment in shock was stuck in his mind. He wanted him to leave Padme for more than just the reason that it was against the Code. Obi-Wan wanted him to leave Padme...for him? It was insane...it had to be a nightmare. What would he tell Padme? Could he really tell her that his Master wanted him to leave her for him?
No...not yet. There had to be more than this to the situation. Maybe he misinterpreted his Master’s words, hard as that was to believe. Or maybe Obi-Wan was just stressed and not entirely aware of what he was saying. Sure he would come to his senses if Anakin gave him time. It was not like his Master to want to engage in casual sex and certainly not with his former student. Anakin buried his hands in his face and sighed deeply.
“Ani?” Padme called, as she came into the room. She saw him sitting on the sofa with his face buried in his hands and immediately knew that things had not gone well at all.
“What did he say?” she asked, as she sat down next to him and rubbed his back comfortingly. Anakin resisted the urge to laugh bitterly.
‘Well, let’s see. How can I say this, my love? My Master wishes for me to leave you and then he wants me to let him fuck me for his own pleasure!’
Anakin screamed inside.
“He wanted me to leave you. I told him I could never do that. I told him to do so would destroy us both,” Anakin said.
“What did he say to that?” she asked. Anakin scoffed.
“He doesn’t care! He doesn’t understand, Padme, because he’s never been in love,” Anakin replied.
“Is he going to tell the Council?” she asked.
“I’m not sure yet. He said he wants us to talk again before deciding anything. He’s been acting so strange lately,” Anakin told her, not letting on at just how strange Obi-Wan was really acting. She clasped his hands in her own.
“We’ll figure this out sweetheart,” she assured him.
“Padme, I think I should resign my position as a Jedi,” Anakin stated suddenly. He hated to bring that up again given Padme’s reaction to it, but it was a clear way to get out of their dilemma and still be together. In fact, it was looking more and more like the only way.
“Ani, I thought we agreed that it would only be a last resort. Only if the Council threatens to exile you,” Padme replied.
“I want to leave. I’m not happy there, Padme. I don’t fit in at the Temple. No one trusts me or even likes me all that much save for very few. And now Obi-Wan is against me too,” Anakin replied.
“Ani, I know that you’re frustrated. But I also know that you love being a Jedi and that you’re very good at it,” Padme tried to reason with him.
“No Padme, I’m not just frustrated. I’m not a little boy and I know what I want!” Anakin said angrily. Padme touched his arm, trying to quell his anger.
“I know you’re not a little boy, Ani. I just don’t want you to have to give up being a Jedi for me,” she replied.
“But I would, in a second,” he told her. She gave him a gentle smile.
“I know you would my love, and that makes me feel really good inside,” she replied, as she leaned up and kissed him softly. Anakin snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her into a deeper kiss. Once the passionate embrace broke, Padme’s eyes fluttered open and brown met blue.
“I definitely know that you’re not a little boy anymore. I’ve known since the moment you walked back into my life,” Padme told him. He cocked his head to the side playfully.
“That’s not what you said that day. You insisted that I would always be that little boy you knew on Tatooine,” he replied. She smiled and kissed him again.
“Purely a defense mechanism, my love. You had me the moment you held me in that gaze of yours,” Padme replied. Anakin returned her contagious smile. He could never stay angry at her for very long. Sometimes, she just didn’t understand his frustrations because she wasn’t a Jedi. He knew that she only wanted him to do what she thought was best for him. He smiled and kissed her passionately.
“Ani, are you sure there’s nothing else wrong?” she asked. He hated lying to her, but he couldn’t tell her about what Obi-Wan really wanted tonight. Not yet anyway...not until he knew what exactly was going on with his Master, because he refused to believe that his Master really wanted to have sex with him.
‘You’re in denial,’ a nasty little voice whispered in the back of his mind. He gave her a half-smile.
“I’m sure, angel,” he replied, as he lifted her into his arms and kissed her again. Padme parted her lips, allowing him to deepen the kiss, as she ran her fingers through his thick hair. Once in their bedroom, Anakin set her down on her feet so he could undress her. Their desire for each other grew intense and they undressed each other desperately, as their mouths clashed in passionate, hard kisses. They tumbled to the bed, hands and lips caressing and tasting everywhere.
“Love me, Ani, love me,” she pleaded.
“Padme,” Anakin rasped, as he took one of her dusky nipples in his mouth and suckled. She splayed her knees out, arching toward him.
Padme moaned as his length teased her entrance. He slid inside her and they both moaned in ecstasy, as they became one. Anakin pulled his shaft out of her entrance and then eased back in. He began a slow, yet sensually arousing pace. Padme moaned in concert with the soft thrusts, as her hands explored his back.
“I love you Ani...oh....so much!” Padme cried, as he made sweet love to her.
“I...love...you too, angel,” he panted, as he slowly increased his pace. Padme lifted her hips and wrapped her legs around his waist and he took her harder, pumping in and out of her rapidly. Padme felt that familiar heat building in her, as he expertly coaxed her climax from her. She panted as he thrust and buried himself inside her.
“Ani...I’m going to...!” Padme cried out, as her orgasm hit. Anakin held her as she quaked and clenched around him. Her own coming triggered his own, as he released his hot seed inside her. His release finished and he collapsed beside his beautiful wife. He pulled her into his arms, wrapping them protectively around her petite form.
“I’ll never leave you...never. No matter what,” he said, as he kissed her softly.
“And I’ll never let you be taken from me,” she replied, as she snuggled deeper into his arms. Entwined together, husband and wife slowly drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.
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Forbidden Longing