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In Search of New Dreams
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Sitting in the coffee shop, the very one her brother first met Sarah, proved as emotionally uncomfortable as Cassie imagined; but she was doing this for her mother, she reminded herself, glancing over the rim of her coffee mug held two handed at the precipice of her lips...her mother who sat across nursing a Café Americano. Discreetly she observed how her mum's eyes darted to the front door every time the chime sounded; she barely enjoyed her coffee, but for the anxiousness for Sarah's arrival, not that Sarah was late rather they were early.
She worried for her mum's sanity. Surely obsessing over Gerard's girlfriend/almost fiancée combined with her lack of acceptation regarding her brother's death could come to no good, but always a dutiful daughter even when she wasn't a first-rate girl, Cassie capitulated to her mother's wishes and whims on the matter, for now. Besides, Cassie reflected, her mother was spot on about one thing; it
was something Gerard would have wanted, for the three ladies he loved best in his life to get along. After failing him so miserably she could at least do right by him where their mum was concerned.
'Jer,' she sent out to the ether, prayer-like, '
where ever you are, please forgive me. I really cocked up and if I...' Her throat tightened at the next thought, a difficult admission even in the privacy of her own mind, but no less valuable, '
if I could do things over...' she audibly sighed, her mum glanced up giving her a tiny smile. Cassie smiled back over the coffee mug still partially masking her face.
'Oh Jer, I miss you so much.' Beginnings of tears prickled beneath her eyelids.
'And I promise to make a real go of this...whatever this is...with Sarah for you.' "Cassie, dear," her mum said, leaning forward in her leather club chair, "are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, Mum," she smiled, feeling her lips stretch in her first genuine smile in weeks, "I am."
"That's good, dear, because Sarah just walked in."
"Oh?" Cassie turned around in her chair; Sarah walked towards them looking wary, her steps mincing and hesitant. Well, no time like the present.
"Sarah," Cassie greeted her, standing and smiling with her mother. That Sarah's gait visibly faltered spoke volumes to Cassie, much work to be done on her end.
"Cassie, Ms. Scott," she replied, nodding to Cassie while returning Ms. Scott's heartfelt hug.
"It's good to see you in better circumstances, Sarah, and
please, call me Georgia."
"Oh, okay..." Sarah answered taking a seat between them. '
At least she didn't ask me to call her mom, don't think I could handle that.' "How have you been, dear," Ms. Scott rested her hand on Sarah's forearm, "you look washed out." Sarah saw valid distress in her eyes, heard it in her voice, even Cassie seemed concerned beyond professional nursing interest...okay...that was just weird.
"Do I?" Nausea still taunted her stomach, less severe than last night but persistently low-level—mild case of stomach flu maybe? Ms. Scott placed the back of her hand to her forehead, her lips pursed.
"No fever, some tea perhaps?" Sarah nodded. "Ginger tea is excellent for stomach upset." Ms. Scott silently indicated to her daughter to gain the wait staffs' attention.
"May I help you?" A waiter asked.
"Ginger tea, please," Cassie ordered.
"Sorry, we only have ginger peach, would that be okay?" Cassie glanced at Sarah whose lips curled down slightly.
"I'm not very fond of peach," Sarah explained giving Cassie a pointed stare, thinking both of her labyrinth experience and Jeff's poisoning of her Fuzzy Navel a few weeks ago. Ms. Scott, unaware of the connection, went on to assure Sarah that ginger peach tea was very subtly favored and the ginger's benefit well worth the trouble. Order taken, the employee wandered off while Ms. Scott continued speaking, rambling.
"Jer dislikes peaches so, ever since he was a young boy, remember Cassie?"
"Not really, probably too young, Mum," Cassie said noticing Sarah's tenseness.
"Maybe so...but he does you know, disliked anything peach for the longest time, strangest thing." Ms. Scott murmured, eyes distancing with memories.
"One day, while at the summer lake house, some of the meaner neighborhood boys—I always believed them to be jealous of my exceptionally, sensitive boy— discovered his almost phobic revulsion of peaches and tormented him mercilessly, bullied him into stealing some from the market as some sort of initiation then held him down, force feeding him the fruit."
"That's terrible, Ms, I mean G-Georgia!"
"God, Mum! I never knew that!"
"Mmm...Not a thing he prefers to recollect I'm sure. Oh my, don't tell him I told you!" She exclaimed then continued, "Eventually he found his way home, bruised and bloodied, covered in peach juice and pulp," she fervently went on to the rapt younger women, "after that he made himself overcome his distaste of peaches, and anything else he perceived as a weakness." Ms. Scott ended with an odd half smile and glazed eyes, her coffee loosely held in her hands.
"Is that when Dad starting teaching him to fight?" Cassie asked; the skill he later passed on to his tomboy sister.
"I believe so, Cassie, I believe so." Her eyes still unfocused, Ms. Scott sipped her coffee, a wistful gaze to her countenance, "My Jer is such a graceful soul; I'm afraid this world is far too harsh for him."
Sarah and Cassie exchanged uneasy looks, each with differing thoughts on the matter. For Sarah, she wondered if and how she might ever disclose the truth of Gerard's existence to the two women; for Cassie, she worried that her mother's sanity hung by the merest fingernail, that the slightest release of tension and her fall would be sure and swift.
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Perennially in season peach orchards lined the eastern shores of the Goblin Kingdom's primary lake, its vastness humbling even the arrogant Goblin King; it had long been his favored place for contemplation. Sitting on the stone bench placed by him decades ago for that very purpose, Jareth watched with distraction from his disquieting inner turmoil as various indigenous Underground waterfowl danced on the water's gemstone surface; their erratic honks and squawks surprisingly soothing. How easy to lose oneself in the unpredictability of nature...Above or Underground.
A sharp breeze carried the scent of ripening peaches; he inhaled, filling his lungs to capacity. It felt good to be alive, to be strong, to be...whatever it was he was becoming. After living a long life of few recriminations, he admitted that self-delusion was never his forte; resistance—yes, denial—no. This change within him, it was inevitable and without Dee's intervention, he deduced everlasting.
Peaches...the scent of peaches brought him to this conclusion because
he remembered.
He remembered fearing the pale, orange-ish fruit in all its variations. Strange to panic before produce, but the boyhood remembrance of terror was acute. One might forget one's name in mortal old age, but fright remains as fresh as picked berries. Coming to his favorite place at this lake to ponder his frustrating circumstances with Sarah and his new immortal life, the vivid memories of his mortal childhood phobia submerged him at the first whiff of the enchanted peach orchards.
Being a scrawny young boy, gifted with gentle yet quick intelligence, the bullies delighted in learning of a new chink in his mental armor; they did not spare him any indignity their limited imaginations invented. He remembered his mother, how she lovingly wiped his face clean of the stickiness, the warm cloth scrubbing his skin; she hugged him, kissed his brow and told him she loved him. Her name was Georgia Scott, and from a yawning well within him, Jareth realized...
he missed her...a mortal woman he should not know, yet missed terribly.
Because of the scent of peaches. "Bloody hell," he muttered surprising himself again at his choice of words. "I mean...Great Danu!" He said louder, his voice floating out over the open water, dissipating to disturb no one, nothing. How long since he felt connection to another being other than Sarah? His people long dead, his fae parents subsumed into the mists during his childhood, their own magic failing. Left behind, alone, he understood little in the ways of love and caring.
Each day he slipped, bits and pieces of the man, Gerard, oozing into his mind until he caught fewer and fewer mistakes. He should feel angry, he wanted to be enraged at this perversion, this violation of his most private self, yet he could not. A blanket of prevailing calmness settled over him, its woolen spell buffering his passions from full and complete action. Like sitting at the lake: it composed him, made him serene, it made him...content.
"I thought I'd find you here." A rough voice spoke behind him, disrupting his peace.
"Hoggle," Jareth replied, refusing to turn around, leaving his view of the water. "Can't leave well enough alone, hmm?" He asked, trying for rancor, achieving diluted acid. Until now, he successfully avoided the one subject in his kingdom who knew him the longest, better than any other. The dwarf's shuffling gait drew closer until Jareth spied him in the corner of his vision, pesky old thing.
"I'd leave ya alone if I could, ya know that," he scolded, hands on hips. "But I've known you too long for that, ya rat."
Rolling his eyes, Jareth replied, "Your respect for your monarch is overwhelming. What do you what?"
"This ain't about what I want; this is about how you're acting, what ya want, and how you're going about getting it."
"And you're going to enlighten me, Todd?"
"See!" Hoggle pointed at him, stomping his foot, "That's what I'm talkin' about!"
"
What? What are you talking about?" He snapped, losing patience.
"Ya used to mess up my name a bit, but now ya either get it right or ya call me Todd. Who's Todd?" Head tilted inquisitively up at him, Jareth spied actual worry in Hoggle's bugged eyes.
"I...oh bloody hell...Danu,
Great Danu!" With a growl, Jareth leapt to his feet and paced, hands clasped to the small of his back. Who the buggering hell was Todd? Buggering hell? Arggh! He felt as though his mind ran about without his permission, doing and thinking and saying things he didn't wholly understand.
"She's too good for ya," Hoggle announced bluntly, yet compassionately, bringing Jareth to a halt, "ya know that right?"
"All too well, old friend," Jareth replied, finally meeting Hoggle's intent look.
"So what'da gonna do, Jareth?"
The Goblin King broke off, looking out over the water once again breathing deeply, resolute, the scent of peaches filling his nostrils and lungs, bringing him contentment once again; a plan formulated.
"Whatever I must."
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"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Sarah stared and stared and stared some more. This could not be happening; her brain refused to comprehend the information laid out simply before her. Instead it ran loop-da-loops rerunning the few weeks starting with Jareth's first and last visit the day of Gerard's funeral; how it unlocked a watershed of diverging emotions, and every day since she felt the rollercoaster, up days, down days, numb, intense and all those in between.
And don't forget being sick; cause depression just isn't depression without lack of appetite and daily nausea. Thinking that, Sarah trudged through her days feeling hints of her old anxiety sneaking back while her anger at Jareth simmered. He'd apparently taken her seriously, he'd stayed away, not even sending a goblin peeping. She wasn't sure how she felt about that, Jareth staying away, not the goblins. Parts decidedly south of her waist missed him, but her heart and mind...not so much; whenever she allowed herself to consciously think about him ire welled up, acrid and bitter. No wonder she stayed sick.
It wasn't until Kathy commented yesterday on how pale she'd looked since the funeral that Sarah realized it might be more than depression. She recalled sitting at lunch, the tuna salad giving her the evil eye, hard hitting queasiness taking root once again in her gut, while Kathy mentioned how ill she appeared. She passed it off as a 24 hour bug (lasting weeks) nothing serious, Kathy squinted at her suspiciously but refrained from arguing. Once the idea got planted, however, Sarah's fertile imagination joined forces with her logic and counted back.
The next commonsense step had Sarah stopping at the drug store then fidgeting throughout her afternoon at work, tossing and turning at night (more guilt dreams—this latest starred Gerard raising up from his coffin ala zombie, the lid popping open as they lowered it into his grave, wilted stargazer lilies scattering in the grass as he pointed at Sarah and screeched like a pod person, probably just too much late night movie watching—and yeah, lots of satisfying restfulness afterwards) and she woke, bleary-eyed and grumpy to commence her half-squat fumble over the toilet with the stupid kit which advertised -
results in less than five minutes! Who knew five minutes could last a half an hour? The upshot being her gaping at the evil double blue lines on the stick sitting on her bathroom vanity; the little demons adding their share of mocking to her fucked up life.
"Unbelievable, the fairy bastard got me pregnant on the first try," she said dully, glaring at the dime store, plastic stick whence she peed on minutes ago because the first pee of the day was the best pee of the day according to the fold out instructions in four languages (and graphic visual directions...eww!)
"Unless, it's Gerard's...oh crap." The nausea welled up, not all hormones this time. And she knew, without doubt as she counted back the days (using her fingers before running to grab her fridge calendar for confirmation), her ovulation happened sometime THAT WEEK when she had unprotected, wild monkey sex with both Jer and Jareth, both times close enough that either one might be the father.
"Double crap, what the hell is wrong with me? Why did I ever stop taking the pill?"
Cause you weren't having sex for two years, remember? Why waste the money... "Triple crap!"
Leaning forward at the waist, she lightly pounded her head on the kitchen countertop; the precaution of using condoms never occurred to her or Gerard and definitely not Jareth, she released a short laugh. Yeah, have that conversation with the Goblin King—
'No glove no love!' She barely remained sane during the one act, retaining the ability to consciously refuse without prophylactics...
right.
"The darn goddess! She probably made me ovulate on purpose!" Throwing the offensive, lying stick across the kitchen, Sarah stomped into her bedroom, throwing herself on the edge of her bed to work up a world-class pout; been a good while since she indulged. Too early to call Kathy and Todd, she decided to wait a bit then head to their place for emotional support; could call home but talking to Karen would make her cry, and telling her dad...oh no, not yet. As for Jareth...
"Plot to get me preggers against my will; if she thinks that'll make me call him..." Arms tightly crossed over her chest, she yelled at the ceiling:
"Cold day in hell, Goblin King!"
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Kathy handed the glass of lemonade to Sarah while they waited for pizza delivery; Todd reached up from his position across from Sarah taking the other glass from his wife. About thirty minutes ago, Sarah showed up at their front door, Saturday lunchtime, raving on about manipulative goddesses and Goblin Kings. Todd sent their girls to their room to play, giving the adults a bit of privacy.
"Start over, Sarah, what happened?" Kathy asked, settling on the couch next to Sarah. Setting her glass on the coffee table, Sarah rummaged through her purse, and pulled out a small plastic baggie containing a white stick.
"This happened." She handed it to her friend whose eyes widened; two children and she effortlessly recognized a positive pregnancy test.
"Oh Sarah..."
"Is that what I think it is?" Todd asked, brows arched up, lemonade raised mid-drink.
"If you think it means someone's rabbit died then, yeah, it's exactly what you think it is," Sarah deadpanned, her emotions in her voice tittering on out-of-control.
"Yeah...that's what I thought." Todd finished taking his drink more to give himself time to think and process than to quench any thirst.
Oh boy, pregnant and the father died... "Do you know who?" Kathy asked.
"No, I...uh...can't be sure just yet."
"Sure about what, wait," Todd glanced quickly between his wife and her best friend, "what did I miss?"
"You didn't tell him?"
"You asked me not to."
"Right...well, Todd," Sarah rubbed her temples, her eyes downcast, "I had sex with Jareth the day of Gerard's funeral."
"Oh...OH! Shit..." He gulped, cupped his hand over his mouth thoughtfully, eyes darting back and forth. They stared back at him, waiting for him to digest the information. That could only mean; if she knew her cycle as well as his wife knew hers and complained about the unfairness of nature, thereby forcing him to know things about women he swore to prompting forget as soon as humanly possible.
"Exactly," Sarah agreed. Seeing Todd comprehend her predicament.
"I wondered about this yesterday at lunch, but I didn't want to say anything." Kathy scooted closer, draping an arm around her back and pulling Sarah into an embrace. God, she needed this. A shivered ran through Sarah as her control weakened.
"I know; that's why I got the test."
"What are you going to do?"
Todd perked up, "What do you mean? Sarah? You're going to tell him, right?"
"I...I don't know, Todd."
"Don't know? You've got to tell him!"
"What if it isn't his? What if it's Jer's? Who knows what he'll do." She shuddered at the thought of a jealous, enraged Jareth faced with Gerard's child. Her bizarro love triangle with the same man's soul in different physical incarnations, damn...how did things get so messed up?
"But...you can't keep this from him," Todd insisted. Being a father was very important to him; if Kathy had kept knowledge of his daughter's birth from him, if they never married; well...the thought of being without his children frightened him beyond words. Yeah, he understood the weirdness of the Gerard-not-Gerard/Jareth-not-Jareth possibilities, still...the guy deserved to know the truth, be allowed to make his own mind up. Todd never met this Jareth guy, maybe he'd shock them all by doing the right thing.
"Maybe it won't matter," Sarah stated in a bland tone, depressed.
"Sarah, you wouldn't!" Kathy said, pulled back to look at her fully. "You can't!" Mouth open, Todd gaped at them both, processing their subtext conversation.
"I haven't decided anything yet! I only figured it out this morning!" Sarah snapped, tossing her hands up, "I don't know what to do!"
"Wait...You
are going to have it, right?" Todd asked, "
Right?" When Sarah didn't answer he stood up and circled the living room, hands and arms frantically waving in the air. "Look...I know I don't know this Jareth and I didn't hit it off with Gerard, but if it's Gerard's child you can't do that, Sarah. You can't just get an abortion! Not now, not after what's happened!"
"I know..." she mumbled.
"Not after choosing his death!"
"I KNOW!" Angry tears slid over her cheeks as she faced Todd towering over her, his hands fisted at his sides, red faced.
"It's not
RIGHT!" Todd added. "No matter who's it is!"
"Baby, stop yelling," Kathy said, calmly, grasping his hand to ground him, her other arm still around Sarah.
"
I'm not yelling!" He shouted then looked sheepish, adding in a soft, apologetic voice, "Much. Damn, sorry, it just freaks me out hearing you talk like this, Sarah." Grabbing at his control, Todd shoved his body back into his recliner, gulping the last of his lemonade to shut his mouth.
"I know, Todd, it's alright," she said, miserable, her shoulders and head drooping.
"No, it's not alright." Sliding back out of his seat, Todd joined the two adult women closest to him in his life on the couch and bear hugged them both. "I'm ass for yelling at you, I'm sorry," he said in a thick voice, kissing the top of Sarah's head. "It's just...fatherhood is a big deal to me."
"Thanks." Sniffing, she returned his hug.
"Yeah, just whatever you do we're here for you, ya know?"
"That's right, Sarah," Kathy added, "Anything you need, anything you decide, we love you always."
"I know," she whispered, barely able to speak. They sat for several minutes in companionable silence, huddled together, before Sarah spoke.
"Todd, can I ask a favor?"
"Sure."
"Can you...I mean...what do your vibes tell you?"
"Oh...uh...well," he pulled back from her, flustered for a moment then closed his eyes in concentration. "Sorry," he said opening his eyes, "I don't feel anything right now."
"Oh..."
"Hey," he patted her back, "It doesn't mean anything."
"That's right," Kathy added, "It's probably too early and he's never tried anything like this, right, baby?"
"Right, hon."
"Sure, yeah, that's it." Sarah shrugged, wiping the drying tears from her face. "Too early, no big." Definitely too early to know anything...so now what?
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A/N: Awesome! I love the amazing reviews and it's up to 31 (5 +) and we still have a few more chapters! I'm so glad so many people are enjoying this story!
