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The Benefits of Letting Go	By : sissouthernink1994 Category: S through Z > Sherlock Holmes (2009) > Sherlock Holmes (2009) Views: 1403 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don't own Sherlock Holmes (books or movies) especially the movies featuring Robert Downey Jr & Jude Law. This story is written in fun & I'm not getting paid.

Chapter List
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A/N: The doctor’s thoughts are in italics for this chapter.

Chapter 2: The first night is the hardest- John

                Dr. John Watson sat at his desk, looking at the conditions of his break-up with Sherlock Holmes. He had taken his bath and was sitting in his robe. His clothes were already prepared for the next morning. He had already looked over his patient list and notes for the next day. By any other checklist, he should have been ready for bed. He just couldn’t bring himself to leave his desk.
                He stared at the paper in front of him. Sherlock’s handwriting dispensing the details was very clear. There were no smudges, no spelling or grammar mistakes. It was a perfect document. He just couldn’t believe Sherlock had written such a thing. And even harder to believe was that he, Dr. John Watson had signed it.
Mary didn’t even let him finish reading it. She was too happy to sign it. She wanted him out of our lives. No, she wanted him out of my life. How could she make such demands on him and me? We are adults; we know what we are doing. We know what we feel between us. Now I feel that I never should have married Mary. I’ll never love her the way I love him. Never.
                John repeatedly read the conditions, as if something were to drastically change when his eyes scanned the page. This would be difficult to keep his end of it. Not seeing Sherlock Holmes would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do. Harder than medical school, harder that being in the army. He couldn’t see him, couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t help him. If Sherlock was sick or wounded, there was nothing he could do, but pray.
                The rainy, windy night made the trees outside cast the most fascinating shadows on the sitting room wall. It reminded John of some of the nights he and Sherlock spent together. He particularly loved the ones they shared where the light was low; sometimes it was from the fireplace, candles or the lamp. He absolutely loved the detective’s profile in the low light. His skin didn’t seem so pale, but it did make him look angelic and sweet. Most times, he was anything but that. John loved how Sherlock’s blushing skin looked in the dim light caressed. Each gentle touch brought more passion than the one before it. Whispers in the dusky lit room seemed to shout from the rooftops. Each kiss burned with love and engraved emotions inexpressible any other way. Moments in afterglow were precious and plentiful. Now they would just be treasured memories.
                John sighed and felt his eyes beginning to fill with tears as he realized what he had lost. Sherlock was his best friend, the one he told his most cherished secrets to. When he had to give a patient an unfavorable diagnosis, he needed someone to tell; he couldn’t handle all that information by himself. He had someone to drink with and on more than one occasion get drunk with. He had someone to watch the fights with. Someone to defend his honor on the ring; Mary could never do that. Sherlock helped with his money and gambling problems. They were constant companions, worthy chess opponents, lovers of music and fine dining. They loved the local fish and chips shops. He had someone who loved him unconditionally, never wanted to change him. And why did he give that up?
                He gave it up to marry Mary. He gave it up so neither of them would be found out and arrested. John feared that Sherlock would not last long in the jails. As serious as the crime would be, he would have been put in with the roughest of the rough. He was too delicate for that. Oh, Sherlock Holmes could fight, but after a few days of hand-to-hand combat, he wouldn’t have had much chance of surviving. The “crime of homosexuality/sodomy” was a horrible crime to be arrested for. It was tough enough for The Almighty to look down on you but the whole city of London as well? That was a bit much for him to even think about.
                No, he did not want his lover in jail. Sherlock needed to be on the case for someone, looking for lost jewels or finding a missing person. Marriage was a way for John to redeem himself, a way for him to reverse the sins he had committed. At least that’s what he told himself. He could be a husband to Mary, have a couple of children and continue in his practice. All he had to do was not love Sherlock Holmes. Easier said than done.
                He wasn’t sure if Sherlock was going to attend the wedding. He was the best man. John feared that when it came to that part of the ceremony when people had a chance to voice their opinions that Sherlock would have spoken up and professed his love for John, shocking everyone in the church. John held his breath, not knowing what would happen. If Sherlock had spoken his heart’s desire, they would have been arrested on the spot. The silence let John breathe a sigh of relief, which Mary noticed. Later she would ask him why he thought someone would have spoken up at that moment. His reply, “Oh, you never know dear.” It was the only thing he could say to keep his secret.
                Loving Sherlock Holmes would always be his deepest joy. This joy would bring more to his life sometimes than the practice of medicine. He honestly tried to remain faithful to his wife. The secrecy of it fueled his craving for it. The adrenaline rush of being caught excited him. John was always telling himself, that he needed to stay home, but he couldn’t. He was literally the moth drawn to the flame that was Detective Sherlock Holmes. The sexual release he experienced could never be achieved with Mary. She couldn’t compare. The things the men did together were wrong and sinful but they couldn’t help themselves. Sometimes all John needed was to be in his lover’s presence, to hold his hand. In order to continue their secrecy, John had to come up with some wild excuses for Mary and she believed them. After a while, the excuses ran out and he would leave after he thought she had gone to bed.
                The tears began to flow as he thought of the wonderful times they had spent together. It broke his heart know to that Sherlock was at home, by himself. The detective would be no doubt crying his eyes out with no one there to comfort him. John was praying that Sherlock would keep his promise and stay away from the drugs. Tonight would have been one of those nights. The combination of their break-up and the rainy weather was downright depressing. Sherlock could take something and be out for days. And John couldn’t do a thing about it. He took out his journal and began to write.
                Mary had noticed that John had not come to bed yet, so she came downstairs to see what he was up to. The door to the sitting room was open and what she heard stopped her in the shadows. She could hear John crying and whispering the detective’s name. And it was more than just crying, John was sobbing. She peeked into the room and saw the pain and anguish of heartbreak engraved on his face. John’s tears fell upon the very paper he had signed earlier, next to and mingling with his lover’s. She strained to hear his whispers.
“Sherlock, my love, what have we done? What are we going to do? How can I live without you in my life?”
                Mary was very nearly shocked, but she should have known from their tears and longing glances at each other earlier, that being apart wasn’t going to be easy for them. But they promised; they all did. She was pretty sure they were going to keep their distances and not see each other. She didn’t factor in how hard it would be for them to stop thinking about each other, to stop loving each other. At that moment, she hoped she wasn’t fighting a loosing battle for she had even geared up for war.
                John buried his head in his hands and sobbed uncontrollably. He felt lost and out of place. They signed the papers because it was the right thing to do; he had to keep telling himself that. He eventually collected himself, turned off the lamp at his desk and went upstairs. From the stillness of the room, he assumed that Mary was asleep. He quietly got into bed, careful not to disturb her. As he covered up and laid his head on the pillow, he couldn’t help but think about his beloved detective.
                After a considerable amount of time, Mary could hear the evening of John’s breath. She crept out of bed and snuck downstairs to his desk. There was enough moonlight flowing through the window that she didn’t need to turn on the lamp. She looked at the desk to see if she could find what he had been writing. It was there in plain sight- his journal. He probably left it here because he thought I wouldn’t read it, she thought. On the open page was a letter he had penned to the detective.

                Dearest Sherlock,
                                My love, I’m writing this letter to you, but you will never receive it as per our signed conditions. I cannot fully express my feelings at this moment. It has just been a few hours since you have officially left me and I miss you terribly. As I’m writing this, I can almost hear you whisper my name, telling me to put my notes away and come to bed with you. Oh, how I wish that I could! How will I survive without our conversations over tea? How will I go on without your kisses, caresses and love for me? How? I don’t know what the future holds for us, but you will always have my heart. I will try my best to be a good husband to Mary and a good father to my child. However, my heart belongs to you, my love. Every single inch of it, is yours. I hope you know that. If you have to move on, please do. I cannot ask you to wait for me. I remember the night we promised to be lovers forever. Maybe we still can be, one day. We might be old and gray and past it, but if we have the chance to be together I hope will we take it. Be safe my love, please take care of yourself.
                                                                                                                                Forever yours,
                                                                                                                                       John
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The Benefits of Letting Go