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What to Expect When You're Unexpected	By : MyraThorne Category: zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] > Batman (All Movies) > Batman (All Movies) Views: 3467 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, and I do not make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
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Title: What to Expect When You�re Unexpected- Chapter 2
Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker�s baby daddy.
Two Weeks Later
Thomas Schiff was a very nervous person by nature. Paranoia will do that to you. Add in the fact that he had been unmedicated for just over a month. Now let�s stir in the fact that they were about to be late because his Lord and Master, the Joker, made him pull over to hurl forth his breakfast.
Again.
Like he had done nearly every day for the past week.
The Joker had banished all fried foods from his presence, as they seemed to bring on these strange bouts of vomiting. But today it seemed that Schiff�s driving was the culprit. Note to self: Kill Schiff or get him driving lessons.
Easier to kill.
�What the fuck,� the Joker muttered, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Slamming the car door shut, he leaned back with a petulant thud and closed his eyes. �Drive on,� he snarled, imperiously waving a hand.
Schiff pressed the full weight of his foot on the gas pedal, hoping to make up for lost time. This instantly made the Joker�s stomach drop twenty floors, then charge back up to punch him in the uvula.
�Pull over, Schiff! Pull the fuck over!� the Joker howled, clutching his stomach. The car had barely come to a stop as he threw open the door to violently get rid of the bile that was left. Spitting on to the ground several times, the Joker groaned, �This sucks.�
After several more stops, Schiff finally managed to get them to the Gotham City Children�s Cancer Center. Two cars filled with guys in clown masks pulled over from across the street behind them.
Stumbling to his feet (the Joker noted to himself that he hadn�t really been able to keep much in the way of food down for the past few days), the Joker looked blearily at his men. Wait, what was the plan again? Memory had also seemed to be a bit of a problem for the Joker the past few days as well.
One of the clowns reached into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a small candy, offering it to the Joker. �Uh, my granma always used to give me these to settle my stomach,� he mumbled.
Taking the candy and sniffing it, the Joker popped it into his mouth. The bite of ginger tickled his tongue, but did seem to settle his stomach. Turning he noticed a woman with three children, one of which was in a baby carriage, staring at him with her mouth open. The little girl was trembling in terror against her mother. The little boy apparently thought that this was the coolest thing he had ever seen and stared with wide-eyed amazement. �What the hell are you lookin� at?� the Joker snapped around the ginger.
�Puh-please don�t hurt my children,� the mother whimpered.
Now, normally, this is where we get some knife waving and some crazy- but somewhat believable- story about the Joker and his scars. Maybe a small speech about the unfairness of life and needing to teach that to children as soon as possible.
But as the Joker dangerously approached this small family, terrifying glint in his eye, knife at the ready-
He glanced down at the baby carriage. Inside was a perfect cotton candy pink baby wrapped in the fluffiest white blanket and sucking her wittle thumb, clutching s brand new stuff rabbit in her sleep. The Joker reached down and picked up the baby, cradling her ever so delicately in his arms. He swore he heard �Rock a Bye Baby� starting to play as he stroked her cheek.
�Are you just the cutest wittle girl. Es you are! Oh, es you are!�
No one knew what to make of Baby Babble Joker. Not Schiff, who had stopped twitching he was so in shock. Not the mother, who was torn between snatching her infant away and not pissing off the homicidal clown.
And certainly not the Batman, who had just finally happened upon the scene.
Grinning stupidly, the Joker turned and happened to see Batman. The Joker skipped over to his favorite winged rodent and proudly showed him the baby. �Isn�t she just precious?� the Joker cooed. �Don�t you just love babies?�
Batman�s eye twitched. What madness was this? Perhaps the Joker had planted a bomb in the baby�s diaper. �Yes,� Batman said slowly, nearly forgetting to use his �bat� voice. �Babies are very� precious and adorable.�
�Don�t you just won�t to hold them and squish them and give them millions of kisses?�
Batman starred at Joker blankly for a moment.
�Are you on drugs, Joker?� he asked in all seriousness.
The baby woke up and gave a big yawn. �Oh,� the Joker sighed. �Isn�t she just the cutest?� He pushed the baby into Batman�s arms, lightly stroking the back of her head.
The baby spit up on Batman, then went back to sleep.
Batman promptly gave the baby back to her mother, who took her children and fled while vowing to herself that she was moving to nice, safe Metropolis the first chance she got.
�Joker, what are you doing here?� Batman demanded. He noticed that the Joker�s men, save Schiff, had all taken the opportunity to flee like scared rats.
�Oh, I was thinking about blowing up these poor cancer ridden kiddies, but now I�m not so sure,� the Joker admitted. He suddenly threw open his purple over coat and started examining his belly. �Do you think these pants make me look fat?�
�Er. What?� Batman didn�t look up as he tried to clean up the �present� the baby had deposited on his uniform.
�Do these pants make me look fat?� The Joker demanded, sounding more like his� well, normal isn�t the right word, but what other word is there? Sounding like his normal self.
�Why would I care how fat your pants make you look?� Barman grumbled.
Bad choice in words, Batman, as any woman who has ever been pregnant can tell you. But, then again, the Batman never really was any good with women.
However, he knew when he was about to have a problem on his hands the way the Joker was tensing up, flicking his tongue repeatedly over his lips and biting at one of his scars. Batman braced himself for-
The Joker bursting into tears.
Batman looked to Schiff desperately for help.
An angry Joker, Batman could deal with. A psychotic Joker, Batman could deal with. A Joker waving a detonator in his face and threatening to kill innocent children, Batman could deal.
Weepy Joker freaked Batman out.
�Um,� Batman murmured. He reached out and lightly patted the Joker�s shoulder. �The pants� don�t make you look fat?�
Now Joker started to howl. �You think I look fat!!!� he wailed.
Thankfully, it was at this time that Gordon and a SWAT team pulled up. Batman was too shocked to remember that Gotham PD still thought he was enemy number one and get the hell out of there.
But they were equally shocked but the sight of the Joker with his makeup streaking down his face and hiccupping.
Batman began to wonder if maybe he was the one on drugs. Maybe he really had a terrible case of the flu and he was really home in his bed, hallucinating. Yeah, that�s it, this was all really a nasty hallucination-
�Joker, why are you� um, why are you crying?� Detective Bullock ventured, gun out and approaching slowly.
�Buh-Buh-Batman thinks I look fat!� the Joker sobbed, sniveling.
�I never said you look fat,� Batman grumbled defensively. �I just said why would I care-�
�Oh, it�s always about you, you, you!� the Joker shrieked, pulling out a hand grenade from his pocket. The tears had miraculously stopped. �You never notice me! � He took the pin out and held the grenade over his head. �It�s always the people of Gotham over me!
Hurling the grenade into the crowd of cops, the Joker grabbed Schiff and ran like hell.
Fortunately, the grenade was a dud, or there would have been a lot of dead police officers and one dead Batman, because they were all staring dumbly after the Joker�s retreating form.
Bullock finally said, �What the hell was that about?�
One Week Later
Jonathan Crane had dealt with many truly insane individuals in his life.
But this one took the cake.
An hour ago, a car of the Joker�s men had come screeching into his hideout and dragged him here. Where he had since been listening to the ranting and raving of the Joker. Crane knew that the Joker was volatile- they had spent some time together in Arkham.
Now, the Joker was genuinely being bizarre.
The Joker vacillated from angry raving to sobbing back to raving, then swerving into simpering. He went back to sobbing, ran off to vomit twice, and was now back to raving.
Crane managed to stay calm through the maelstrom that was the Joker.
Finally, after twenty minutes of listening to the Joker ramble, Crane held up a hand. �Before I tell you what I think, why aren�t you wearing a shirt?� he asked steadily.
At one point, and Crane was pretty sure it was between vomit session one and two, the Joker had ripped off his shirt and hurled it in Crane�s face.
�Because it is chafing my nipples,� the Joker muttered, crossing his hands across chest and wincing.
�So, let me get this straight,� Crane said, pursing his lips together and removing his glasses. �You have been vomiting for three weeks. You have strange mood swings, including crying jags-�
�I don�t cry!� the Joker sobbed.
Crane sighed loudly threw his nose. �You have strange mood swings. You feel bloated. You have frequent urination. And now you have increased nipple sensitivity?� Don�t laugh, don�t laugh! Crane warned himself mentally.
�Yes,� the Joker snarled, his sobbing having ceased and swinging back into anger.
�Well, if you were a woman, this would be the point when I would ask you when was the last time you menstruated and have you been sexually active recently,� Crane deadpanned.
The Joker stared. �What?�
�You are showing common signs of being pregnant.� Crane put on his glasses and gave a snarky smile. �However, you are a man and that it impossible. Perhaps you should be seeing a psychiatrist regularly. There is a disorder known as psedocyesis, or phantom pregnancy, in which a woman is so desperate to be pregnant that she actually begins to display signs of being-�
�I�m not crazy,� the Joker muttered.
�Well, without further testing, I can only tell you my opinion based on my professional experience,� Crane retorted calmly. �I am a psychiatrist-�
�Were a psychiatrist,� the Joker spat petulantly.
�And that would be my diagnosis,� Crane continued as if uninterrupted. �You should probably go see an oncologist. A general internist. A phlebotomist. Someone who can tell you if this is all in your head or if there is really something wrong with you.�
The Joker scoffed at him. �And people say I�m crazy.�
Three Hours Later
After much sneaking around (which was very difficult for the Joker), the Joker sat in the bathroom of a cheap motel glaring at the little stick in his hand.
The plus sign glared at him.
Thirty Minutes Later
The Joker looked at the three sticks sitting on the bathroom sink.
�Well, these things don�t have 100% accuracy.�
Two Hours and Thirteen Home Pregnancy Tests Later
�Shit. I need to see a doctor. And then I�m going to kill that little freak.�
Author's Note: That's all for now until I get home from vacationing with the fam! See you all after the new year!
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What to Expect When You're Unexpected