• 1-More Than Eyes Alone Can See
• 2-2
• 3-3
• 4-4
• 5-5
• 6-6
• 7-7
• 8-8
• 9-9
• 10-10
• 11-11
• 12-12
• 13-14
• 14-15
• 15-16
• 16-17
• 17-18
• 18-19
• 19-20
• 20-Index of Quotes

----------------------------------------------------------------

Tessa collapsed, the lack of air
and a wash of disbelief making her knees weak.
She didn’t understand what had just happened; she was sure that Sands
had been on the brink of killing her, or . . . . Her mind shied away from the thought. For a moment she did nothing more than kneel
at Sands’ feet and catch her breath. He’s letting me go?

He
probably doesn’t think you’re worth doing anything with, even when everything
is offered. Story of your life, isn’t
it? Just barely valuable enough to serve a purpose, but not worthless enough to be
killed outright.

Thanks for the comfort.
Tess kept a cautious eye on Sands as she re-oxygenated her body. He’d turned away from her and had lit a
cigarette – he really was upset. This
was the first time she’d seen him light up inside the house. The glow of the moon made the glow of his
cigarette barely visible. But why is he lighting up instead of
lighting into me?

“. . . T? Where are you?” Tess wondered how long Jess had been calling
for her.

“Better scamper
away before they send in the hounds, conejo.” Rabbit.
Tess shivered as she noticed that Sands’ voice was back to normal.

Just
follow the man’s advice and get out of here.

Tess slowly rose
to her feet, making as little noise as possible, afraid that any sudden
movement would cause Sands to react in kind . . . and now that she was getting
used to the idea of living, she wasn’t so eager to anger Sands. Self-preservation won out over madness after
all.

For
now.

Shut up.

Sands heard the
door to his room creak open slowly. He
was gratified to notice

that Damn.
Damn her to hell. “You really didn’t see it coming, did you?” Give the woman a prize, he was a fucking
idiot. God. All the pieces had been
there in front of his non-existent eyes, and he still hadn’t managed to figure
out that the most likely reason his voluntary doctor had been raised in the cartel
was because her father was the fucking kingpin.
He took an agitated drag from his cigarette. Why hadn’t he killed her?

Abashed
the Devil stood and/felt how awful goodness is,/and
saw Virtue in her shape/how lovely; saw, and pined his loss.

Not you too.

You
know why you haven’t bothered to kill her?
It’s because you’re drawn to her.
She’s different than all the rest – from anyone
you’ve ever met. She helps because she
can, not because she can get something out of it. She goes into things knowing she’ll be taken
advantage of – expecting to be taken advantage of – but she still does all she
can. She’s so pure,al'> and that
drives you nuts.

If it drives me nuts, why haven’t I simply killed
her? It’d be an easy way to solve the
puzzle.

You
don’t want to solve the puzzle. You’ve
never wanted to simply solve the puzzle.
To win the game by the conventional rules is easy. It’s rigging the game that’s a
challenge. You’re a manipulator at
heart, Sheldon. That’s why you haven’t
killed her – you know there’s got to be some way to
get under all that purity, some way to knock her off her
pedestal. To make her human. That’s revenge worth having. To wrap
her around your little finger, and then show her what you turned her into.

Sands gave the idea some consideration.

“T?”
When Jessica saw Tessa’s face, she felt a small surge of alarm. She was sure her friend was ready to pass out
at any moment. “What happened?” Was something wrong with Sands? “Is it your patient? Is Sands alright?” Tess nodded her head, but her color didn’t
improve.

“I .
. . I’m going to bed.” Tess tried to
move pass her friend, but Jessica stopped her.

“You
know you can talk to me, any time during the day or night, right?”

Tess
nodded and tried to smile – the best she managed was a brief thinning of her
lips. She knew she should say something
to make Jessica stop worrying, but couldn’t imagine what those words should
be. I
just found out that something that had been a major source of shame and
ridicule in my life was a malicious lie told to manipulate me? That finding out the truth has not set me
free, but has instead increased my debt? That I offered my body to a man who is
physically and emotionally damaged because of that renewed sense of
responsibility, and he started to take me up on it, but rejected me at the last
minute? That his rejection hurt? That even while I’m glad to be out here
without having been shot, throttled, or beaten, part of me wishes that he had taken advantage of me so then I
would have a reason to hate him as much as he undoubtedly hates me?

Are
you sure that’s the only reason, Teresa?

Tess
covered her throat with her hand and silently went into the bedroom she was
sharing with Jessica. All she wanted was
for this day to be over, the next past, and every memory of Mexico, and cartels, and
guilt forgotten. Including the memory of
her patient.

The next morning was not a good one for
Tess. She’d risen almost before the sun,
unable to find any refuge in sleep.
Sleep itself had been elusive – simply too much had happened in the past
month for her to process. Too many
emotions had been raised, too many questions asked, too many answers
revealed. Especially after last night.

It
was almost as if she were existing on a different plane than she normally did –
her motions felt jerky, her thoughts mechanical. She knew that shock probably still had a good
grip on her, yet she couldn’t come to really care. As long as she pondered how her senses were
moving like a silent film from the ‘20s, her voice was willing to stay
quiet. I wonder if this is what it would be like to live inside a strobe
light.

“Tía? I can’t find my shoes.”

“Your
shoes are in the living room by the toy basket, Alma.” The girl scampered off.

In
her vision, everything was softened, all the sharp edges dulled. Sound moved sluggishly, requiring her to
focus on what was being said to her. Her
body seemed almost numb, and memories came dripping
into her consciousness like semi-congealed wax.
There was so much that had happened the night before that she didn’t
understand. Why had Sands searched for a
reason not to kill her? That wasn’t his
personality. She knew men like him – they usually killed without asking for a good
reason why they shouldn’t. But he’d
asked. He’d been on the brink of
strangling her, and his hands had been punishing after she’d implied that she
wouldn’t fight him if he choose to bed her, but when his hands had explored her
face they’d been gentle. His voice had
been full ofningning emotion when he’d asked what color her eyes were . . . and
when he’d felt her tears, he’d let her go.
But why? It doesn’t make sense.

Would
you have preferred to have him beat you or put a bullet in your brain?

I would have preferred thas acs actions have some sort of
constancy. The part of her brain not
involved in the internal debate mused that perhaps she was just surrounded by a
wall of ice and not living in a strobe light.
Whatever was going on, it slowed down her reactions and movements. Or at least it seemed that it did. Perhaps some part of her mind was moving so
quickly that it made everything else seem slow by comparison.

“Hey
there.”

Tess
turned around to find Jess standing behind her.
“Hey.” After this abbreviated
greeting, Tess turned back to making lunches.

Jessica eyed her friend. She was
well aware of how much sleep she’d gotten the night before and was concerned,
and not just about the possibility of a mental breakdown. Tess was wearing a short-sleeved turtleneck shirt
and her hair was down. Tess never wore her hair down. “T? Is
something wrong? Did something happen
last night between you and Sands?”

Tess
paused as she was labeling lunch bags, but then resumed her work. “No.” Not something. Tess wasn’t sure what had happened, but it had
been more than something.

The
other woman didn’t believe Tess for a moment.
As Tess walked by, intent on finishing her packing, Jessica reached out
and grabbed her arm. Tessa flinched as
if she expected to be hit. As her head
turned away, Jessica noticed that Tessa’s hair swung across her face. She was hiding something. “Relax, T.
I just want to survey the damage.”

“It’s
nothing.”

“That’s why you’re being so evasive.”
Jessica shook her head. “Tess,
‘nothing’ doesn’t usually require a person to hide the truth.” Tessa didn’t do or say anything. “Tess, I’m your friend. Just show me.”

Tess
still hesitated. Jessica had a low
tolerance for bullies or men who hit women.
She wouldn’t agree that Sands had been provoked past his capability to
remain non-violent, and she wouldn’t be able to understand unless Tess
explained all the dynamics of the situation – which she wasn’t willing to do.

Then,
may I suggest you stop acting as if you have something to hide.

Jessica watched as Tess tucked her hair behind her ear. She stared at the side of Tessa’s face for a
moment, then reached over to turn on another
light. She hadn’t been mistaken – there
was indeed a slight bruise covering Tessa’s right temple. “He
did this, didn’t he?”

“No.” He didn’t mean . . . No,
that was a lie. He had meant to hurt
her. He’d meant to hurt her because her
family had blinded him, taking away more than just his sight. They’d left him vulnerable . . . broken . . .
totally and completely isolated in a sighted world. And he had every right to be angry, and while
intellectually Tess knew he had no right to take that out on her, her feelings
of guilt and responsibility still said that he had every right to do more than
just hit her.

Yes.

And it would probably be a good idea not to
let Sands know where I’m going, wouldn’t it?
She reached her car and opened the door, settling into the driver’s
seat.

It’d
certainly make it harder for him to track you down and kill you.

I don’t think he wants to kill me. He certainly had the opportunity last night,
but he didn’t take it. The car started
smoothly, but Tess didn’t try to back out of her parking space quite yet. He does
hate me, though.

Well,
it’s youult ult for talking about family business in front of strangers –
especially ones that might hold a grudge.

And why didn’t you advise me of that before I looked in the envelope?

That
wouldn’t have been any fun.

Fun.
Right. Tess rolled her eyes.

You
were also getting to close . . . too sympathetic. You need to get away from him.

That wouldn’t be hard
now. She’d heard the revulsion in Sands
voice the night before when he’d told her to leave. She remembered all the times she’d said that
she’d taken enough from him and staying through his recovery would be taking
too much. That was still true. She had to leave before he had his sight
back. She didn’t want to see disgust in
his eyes in the same way she’d heard it in his voice. So . .
. New York?

Yes. Take the job.

Okay. Tess put the car into
gear, pulled out of her parking spot, and into LA’s constant traffic.

Once she was sure Tess had left, Jessica went
to Sands’ room, opening the door after a brief knock. She looked around the room and found Sands by
an open window, cigarette in hand. “The
kids left with la nińa.”

Jessica was surprised he knew that.
How had he known that Tess had taken the children to their school? That had been decided between Tess and Tina
over a cell phone while Tess had been upstairs dressing Selena. There was no way he’d overheard that
conversation. “Still, you can never be
too sure.”

Sands
wondered if he’d been deaf as well when he could still see. So many people only paid attention to what
was seen that they neglected their other senses altogether. “Was there a particular reason you came in to
torture me? Or are you just taking
advantage of the fact that Tessa isn’t here?”

This
was the opening she had wanted. “Funny
you should mention T,” Jessica leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed
over her chest. “What happened between
you two last night?”

La nińa kept quiet. If Sands looked closely enough at his
thoughts, he found he wasn’t too surprised by this news. Tess wasn’t the type of person to complain,
and she certainly wasn’t loose lipped. And when it comes down to it, what happens
between Tess and I is none of this woman’s business. “Did something happen that I need to be
aware of?”

The
innocent tone in his voice was too practiced.
She knew a line when she was being fed one. Jessica took a deep breath as her tempter slowly
climbed. “Look, Sands –”

“I
would, but unfortunately I can’t at the moment.”

Or would you cut and run?”

“I don’t see why you’re nervous – you’re not
the one about to become Frankenstein’s monster.”

Tess was confused. Sands was acting as if nothing had happened
last night. Was it possible that he
didn’t remember? That was almost too
good to be true. But still, she couldn’t
help but hope that it was. That she was
jumping the gun by deciding that she had to leave him without any notice at
all.

There is a certain bleakness in finding hope where one expected
certainty.

At the moment I’d be more worried about
finding he knows the truth when you should be hoping that he’s forgotten
it. Don’t let yourself be drawn in
again, Teresa. You’re leaving before the
choice is taken from you.

“Were you planning on making me stand here
all day, or were we actually going to go to the hospital at some point?” Sands wondered what was going through her
head. Was she relieved to o clo close to
getting rid of him? Did she wonder if
he’d forgotten their . . . conversation . . . the night before? Did she think that perhaps everything would
return to normal? If she did, it’d be so
much easier to manipulate her.

“Sorry, yes.
The hospital.” Tess opened the
door and waited for Sands to come to her side before going out. She looked over his shoulder just before
leaving the house. “Jess? Are you coming?”

“Yeah.
I’ll be right out.” The door shut
and Jessica took a moment to look around Sands’ room. She hadn’t moved from the doorway since Tess
had come into the house. There was
something going on that she didn’t like.
I think I’ll do my best to stick
with Tess for most of the day. Or at
least until Sands goes under the knife.
I’m not sure he should be trusted.

Once they had reached the hospital, things
moved along relatively quickly. Tess, as
Sands’ listed physician, signed him in and got all his paperwork in order. At hiquesquest they were still using
‘Giovanni’ as his first name.Tess
wondered what was so bad about his real name that he would so adamantly refuse
to use it . . . or who he thought might be on their
tail. That was the only reason she could
see for not wanting to leave a paper trail.

After
he was checked in, they went upstairs to meet with Logan for a last minute
debrief. Sands was still set on doing
this, so Logan took him into another
room to change into a hospital gown, leaving Tess alone with Jessica.

For
several minutes they sat in silence, but finally Jessica had to ask, “T . . .
why are you doing this? Why have you put
yourself through all this? I know that Logan has offered to send
over nurses to care for Sands so that you wouldn’t have to deal with it. Why didn’u tau take him up on his offer?”

Oh good, a question I can answer. “It’s my job, to be cleaning up this mess,
and that’s the enough reason to go for me.
It’s my job, to be worried half to death, and that’s the thing peo res respect in me. It’s my job, to better
than the rest, and that’s a rough break for me.”

Jessica shook her head. “I’m not
sure that Jimmy Buffett is still the answer for everything, T.”

“Blaspheme.”

“Tessa . . . .”

“I
took him inss. Or if he is, he’s one of a small population
of people who would. “You’re
probably right . . . but I know men like Sands.
By taking him in, I made a deal.
I would care for him and never let anyone know what he went through, and
he would let me live. And as time went
by, I just felt that . . .”
How could she explain?
“He’s a very private man, a man used to hiding thoughts, emotions, and
pain alike. But I . . . I put myself
into a situation where he couldn’t help but let all those things show. It was my decision to take him,n knn knowing
what kind of man he is, and I saw him at his most pitiful and his most
vulnerable, and I chose to keep those
confidences. I managed to get him to
trust me in some small manner – enough that he was willing to let me treat him
– and I couldn’t betray that trust by leaving him to strangers.”

You’re
going to leave him to strangers. He
doesn’t know Logan. Not like he knows you.

Would you stop changing your position on
everything? First you want me to leave,
and then you don’t. You want me to get
away from him, you want me to stick close. Make up your mind so I can make up mine.

Do I
make you nervous? Don’t you like having the
truth of your actions pointed out to you?
Tess didn’t reply and the voice sighed.
It doesn’t really matter what he feels, because in a few weeks, you’re
never going to see him again.

“T? Can you come in here?” Both women looked up as Logan called to them from
the door of the prep room. “Your patient is being difficult and is
refusing to allow the nurse to do his job.
He’s still sticking to his story that you need the practice.”

“Why
is he only my patient when he’s being difficult?”

“Because
you’re the only one willing or able to deal with him. Get your butt moving.”

“And
he complains of me being a bossy crank,” Jessica whispered to Tess.

Tess
merely shook her head and stood up, crossing the hall into the prep room. She nodded to the nurse – an older man with
salt and pepper hair and a thick goatee – then took Sands’ hand in hers. She felt a shiver of fear as he gripped it
tightly, but realized he was simply nervous. spanspan>That was understandable. “I hear
you’re being ‘difficult.’”

“If
you’d been in here a few minutes earlier, you could have heard Dr. Frankenstein
calling me a ‘pain in the ass.’”

Tess
looked over at Logan and the man
shrugged. “Nonetheless, you’re going to
have to let this man do his job if we’re to continue.” Sands growled and Tess almost laughed despite
the knot of tension in her stomach. “You
know I’m right.”

“I
know you’re annoying.”

“That
was weak.” He flipped her off. “And that was a last resort. Are you going to let,” she looked at the
man’s nametag, “Steve do his job, or are you really going to make me take
over?”

“God,
you’re such a nag.” Sands didn’t know
what he was doing. He was letting the
woman off the hook when last night he’d been prepared to kill her.

Later
. . . .

“Fine.” Tess nodded at the nurse and the man came
forward, IV prepared. Tess didn’t let go
as the man slipped the IV into one of the big veins on backback of Sands’ hand. She didn’t let go because he gave no sign of
wanting her to, and she cursed them both for it. She could almost like him right now. When he
acted like this, she had a hard time decided which part of his dual personality
was the act. Which front was the pretence? Which was the real man? Was it the one who talked to Marcos, and who
urged her to sleep, and who came running with guns out when she had a nightmare
– or was it the one who would insist that all that was done out of
self-interest and personal gain? Was the
real man the one who wanted to kill her, or the one
who let her go because she was crying?
Was it the man who annoyed the hell out of hor tor the one who . . .
held her hand? The one who let no one in, or the one who trusted her not to take advantage of his
weakness?

Steve
came back. “Dr. Pierce isdy tdy to move
the patient to pre-op.”

“Yeah, well, maybe ‘the patient’ isn’t ready to go.”

“Sands . . .”

“Why
are you whining?” Tess stuck her tongue
out at the man; Steve laughed. Under his
breath, Sands murmured uncomplimentary things in Spanish, but finally relented. “Fine, let’s go.”

Sands didn’t let go of Tessa’s hand as he was
wheeled out of the prep room. He
despised himself the the weakness, but still didn’t release her. The muscle relaxant he’d been given was doing
a number on his head. He could barely move
and that brought back too many memories of the Day of the Dead. The buzz of anxiety in the back of his head
was trying tlloolloon into full-fledge panic . . . and whether he wanted to
admit it or not, Tess was his link to reality.

He
swallowed and tried to keep his face clear of emotion as they entered an
elevator. Elevators were too closed in,
too small and they moved. Sands usually
tried to avoid them at all costs – as he did with escalators – mainly because
he didn’t like the feeling of motion sickness that they gave him, but also
because one of his private fears was being trapped in one. There was no room to fight in an
elevator.

Tess
hadn’t said anything when Sands had refused to let her go, just as she didn’t
say anything as his grip tightened on her hand.
She did look down, though. He’s still wearing his glasses. He really must have put the fear of god in
those nurses. When she saw the mask his face had become, she
let her other thoughts go as her confusion deepened even further. She wanted him to hate her so she’d feel
better about leaving. She wanted him to
trust her even less than he could picture her face in his mind’s eye. She didn’t want him to be able to hold her
hand and find comfort in it . . . because she found no comfort in holding
his. All she found was guilt,
responsibility, and an overwhelming sense of duty. “Almost there.” His hand squeezed hers painfully – a warning
to keep quiet. Perhaps he only wants
reassurance as long as he can pretend that I’m not the one giving it. The doors to the elevator opened, they stepped
out, and Tess was relieved and regretful as the hand clutching hers relented a
bit. She cursed as his dual nature
coaxed dual reactions out of her.

He’s dangerous. He’s influencing
you. If you’re not careful, you’re going
to have another voice to talk to. Tess shook her head, neither denying nor
accepting the statement.

They
entered pre-op, and Tess leaned down to say to Sands, “This is the end of the
road, seńor.”

“You’re leaving?” His hand
tightened on hers again, preventing her from pulling free. She noticed, and placed her other hand over
their joined ones.

“I
can’t exactly go into the O.R. with you, and I have other charges to look
after. Besides, do you want me waiting
around like an anxious wife for the next eight hours?”

No. He didn’t want that . . . but
he didn’t want to be left alone either.
“I don’t know – it’d be nice to have someone waiting to attend my every
beck and call.”

He would say that. “You’re going to be unconscious, seńor.”

Logan came up to the window
that separated the operating room from the room they were in. He tapped on the glass, signaling that they
were ready for Sands to be brought in.
She shook her head and nodded at Sands – she wasn’t going to leave him
if he still had doubts or memories there ere haunting him. Logan looked at her, hung
his head in mock exasperation, then pointed to her
right. She looked and found a surgical
smock hanging above a bench where paper booties, mask, and a surgical cap
waited. She smiled, then
said to Sands, “Give me a moment to suit up.”
She turned too quickly to see the triumphant look on Sands face.

Tess
slipped the smock over her clothes, the cap over her hair after making sure it
was all tucked in, the booties over her sneakers, and the mask over her
face. She looked around and found a box
of gloves. She took a pair and slipped
them on, then returned to her patient, taking his hand. For a moment he recoiled, not expecting to
feel latex. “Don’t freak out on me,
Sands.” She reached for his hand again,
and this time he let her take it, although she saw the cords of his neck
tense. He didn’t like the fact that he
wanted to have some company as he went into the O.R. Over her mask she looked at Steve, who was
still with them. “Let’s go.”

Logan came over as they
entered the room. “I was beginning to
think that Sands had killed you or something.”
The joke fell flat; Tess squeezed Sands hand, warning him not to say anything. “Well, let’s get you into position, and then
we can get the anesthesia started.”

Tess
stayed by Sands’ side as he was wheeled into position. She talked to him as the anesthesiologist
looked over Sands’ chart. Sands himself
was slowly giving in to the muscle relaxant that he’d been given earlier. She could see that he was physically less
tense, though his grip on her hand was still firm enough to make her think that
his mind was still anxious. Why can’t you be like other men? Why do you have to be so confusing?

Sands interrupted
her thoughts. “Any words of wisdom,
nińa?”