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Sun Kissed	By : Vee017 Category: Star Wars (All) > Slash - Male/Male Views: 14741 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
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Chapter 17
The teacup in Anakin’s hands warmed him as he slowly breathed in the spicy citrus scent of it. Obi-Wan was a man of many teas, and while they both had their favourites, there was usually a new flavour first thing in the morning for Anakin to try. The one he drank now would probably become a comfort drink for him, the citrus already making him more relaxed than he’d been when waking in Obi-Wan’s bed earlier.
His face heated, and he was glad that Obi-Wan was too distracted with what he was reading to notice. Anakin took another sip as he thought.
The conversation he’d had with Obi-Wan barely two hours ago helped relax and reassure him. No harm done. He was surprised at the tranquility he felt, the peace. He knew it wouldn’t last, though. Something was bound to ruin it, some other dark memory buried back in his subconscious just waiting to claw its ugly way out. He didn’t really know how much of it was buried and how much he actually remembered. The things he remembered were bad enough, and the things he had forgotten were better left like that.
But Anakin knew that in order to truly overcome his past he would have to face everything eventually, one step at a time, while continuing to stride forward with his new life and freedom.
Every day was a step forward, one lap closer to the finish in this never-ending pod race. But last night… well, that was a crash. He was sitting in a broken pod with cuts and bruises and a sense of defeat as he fell a lap behind again.
But like all crashes in the pod races when he was younger, Anakin was determined to finish this race – or if not finish, then try his damndest to get back out there and keep going forward.
I am not a whore, he thought, hard, and joined the race again with renewed valour.
It was that recognition and the strength of his resolve that would see him through. The brothel hadn’t broken him, Dejiak hadn’t broken him, and he would be damned if the memories of things he’d already lived through would be what finally did it. No matter how much the dreams terrified him, he would not give into that fear. It was what Kerr and Dejiak always wanted and he would not give them that satisfaction. He defied them then and he would defy them now.
To move on, to live. It was what he wanted, and he would make it happen.
“I think I’m ready.”
Obi-Wan glanced up from his data pad. “For what?”
“To start working with the AgriCorps,” Anakin said, and grinned. “I believe I was promised more machines to tinker with.”
Obi-Wan smiled. “You were. And if you’re sure, I can comm Aadi and get you started this week if you’d like.”
“I would like. I need something to do.” He took a sip of tea. “My hands are itching to work on something bigger.”
“You’re sure that’s why?”
He sighed. Of course Obi-Wan could see right through that. “Machines have always been something to distract me. They also help me think.”
“I just don’t want you-“
“-doing something I’m not ready for,” he interrupted. “I know. And I’m not. I need to do this, Obi-Wan. I’ve adjusted to freedom, and now... I’m going to get my life back.”
With honest work, he thought. Working in the mechanical division of the AgriCorps, Anakin couldn’t think of a job he’d love more; machines all day and every day - fixing, mending, building, maybe even designing. Despite his time in the brothel, the box of machine parts Obi-Wan had salvaged for him and the vacuum bots he designed (slight malfunctioning sock eating aside) proved that he hadn’t lost his gift for it. He was looking forward to it.
“I’ll put in the call then later today.”
Anakin grinned. “Wizard.”
|||
Obi-Wan’s worry from the morning – that the events of last night and earlier this morning would linger and colour the entire day with awkwardness – eased and lifted, glad once he felt things going back to relative normalcy.
Only this time, Anakin seemed sharper, more focused. When he asked to start at the AgriCorps, Obi-Wan was a bit surprised.
I just want you to be ready. Don’t rush into something because of last night.
He hoped Anakin was ready. Mi’aka advised him to wait until Anakin brought it up himself, and now that he had they could start to move further forward. Obi-Wan could also return to his own work once Anakin started. Not that he really missed it, that is. Nothing but cultivating new seeds and watching them start to bud, and then eventually ready to be taken and sown into fresh soil imbued with the Force – and that process was repeated again, and again, and again...
His extended “vacation” with Anakin was really the highlight of his life. Helping him adjust, working on his Force potential, teaching him shielding and other talents he had the power to posses.
They would still work on those things, but in the evenings when they were home...
Home.
Funny, or sad really - the little house had never quite felt like that before. Home had always been memories of wide, open corridors, more steps and elevators than could be counted, a small sleep couch in a room he shared with other Initiates...
A place that he would never return to, never be a part of.
But now here he was, with Anakin across from him, feeling for the first time like he belonged.
It was a feeling he hadn’t had in quite a long time.
Was it selfish of him that he didn’t want it to end? That the guilt strayed from his mind in the morning light? The things he felt for Anakin were so foreign, so different than anything else. It both scared him and relieved him that once Anakin started working he might decide to live elsewhere, away from Obi-Wan. Scared because when he really admitted it to himself, having Anakin in his life brightened up what was once a very lonely existence. He took away a loneliness that Obi-Wan had purposely held onto. A loneliness that he did to himself, thought he deserved, and too afraid of letting anyone in.
His defenses when it came to Anakin were truly pathetic.
And that’s where Anakin’s imagined absence relieved him.
After what he’s been through, he doesn’t need me thinking about him the way I have been...
The guilt gnawed and churned inside his stomach. I shouldn’t want him the way I do, the way I’ve admitted. Force, I’m twice his age...
Obi-Wan didn’t even know what Anakin was saying to him. All he could do was just watch those lips move.
Lips I’ve tasted. He blinked, trying to focus. I’m a horrible person.
“Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan?”
He blinked again and looked across the table into Anakin’s concerned blue eyes.
“What?”
“Are you all right?” asked Anakin. “You were kind of spaced out for a while there.”
“I’m fine. Just fine.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
Anakin raised an eyebrow but said nothing further. Obi-Wan did notice however, an odd look in his eyes, though. Obi-Wan checked his shields on the highly improbable situation that they had somehow weakened.
He raised his cup to his mouth.
“Are you a virgin?”
Tea sputtered all over the table, as Obi-Wan choked, all but slamming his glass down to cover his mouth as he coughed.
“I...b-beg your...pardon?”
“Had to shock you out of your mood somehow.” Anakin grinned.
“By asking me if I’m a, a vir- by asking me that?”
“I’m just curious. They way you act sometimes.” He shrugged. “We both know I’m not.”
Obi-Wan coughed and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Never did he imagine that that would be something Anakin would ask him. Thought in hindsight, he really should have.
Given his history and what I know of it, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.
“No. No, I’m not a v-“
“Really?”
“Why are you so surprised?”
“Are you sure?”
Obi-Wan glared. “I think I would know the status of my non-virginity, Anakin.”
“Congratulations on not stuttering on the word this time.”
“You kept interrupting me!”
“Excuses.”
“Anakin.”
“Sorry.” He ducked his head sheepishly. “It’s just... you’re so proper all the time. And whenever I’ve been naked you turn bright red.”
“I do not!”
Anakin laughed. “You do! The day we met, you ran out of there so fast it made me wonder. And the last time I tried to uh, ‘thank’ you.”
“It doesn’t-“
“You’re kind of red right now, actually.”
And Force be damned if Obi-Wan couldn’t feel the heat creeping into his cheeks. The way Anakin was so candid and blatant made his face burn.
“It’s just...not something that’s brought up in polite conversation.”
“Has it been a while?”
Obi-Wan’s silence was the only answer. He was turning things in his mind, trying to come up with an answer, all the while willing his face to stop over-heating. Playing absent-mindedly with his cup, he didn’t notice the teasing sparkle in Anakin’s eyes start to die and be replaced with distressing worry.
“Did...did someone hurt you?”
Obi-Wan’s eyes locked onto Anakin’s. He straightened up and forced himself to speak once he realized what was being implied.
“No. No, Anakin, no one... It was nothing like that.” He barely noticed himself take Anakin’s hand in his. The need to reassure him, to take that look from his face nearly overwhelmed him. Their circumstances were so different. He knew Anakin’s, had caught the horrifying glimpses of it last night. Maybe it would help, to talk about his own. He’d never talked to anyone about it. Ever. It was always just something that happened, something he did then forgot about, and the times he didn’t forget he just regretted.
“Cold as Hoth...” he whispered.
“What?”
“Nothing... No.” He stopped himself. “Something. It was something someone told me a long time ago. I barely know where to begin.”
Anakin waited for him to continue.
Why not just get it all out, Kenobi? With everything he’s told you, doesn’t he deserve the same?
“When I first came here to Bandomeer, I was numb.”
And I still carry that feeling with me. Keep going.
“It took a while for it to sink in that I was no longer an Initiate, but a...a failure. I had failed at the one thing I had been raised for. I didn’t know what to do so I just shut myself away.”
He could remember all the feelings. The grief, the sadness, the overwhelming depression; the way it choked him at night, twisting and churning inside him. His feelings of failure, of uselessness - he was worthless. Thrown out of a world of saber combat, tactics, and galactic knowledge only to be cast aside to become a farmer; to completely relearn how to channel the Force. It was a life that was never meant to be his. And when he got older it had made him -
“-angry. I became quite angry in my early twenties. I didn’t care about anything. I did more stupid things on off-world pick-ups than I care to admit. It shouldn’t surprise me, the Masters didn’t take me on as an apprentice because I was too aggressive-“
“You?”
“It’s what I was told.” Obi-Wan hating remembering it. Practically begging to be taken on as a Padawan only to be told he was too aggressive, too passionate, and uncontrolled. It was the last time he’d seen Qui-G- The last time he’d seen the Temple, as his last hope saw him off to Bandomeer.
“So I decided why not? Why not give them exactly what they thought I was? Not that anyone cared what I did, anyway. My relationships with people, Anakin, I’m not proud of. I’m not proud of how I treated them. I didn’t love them. I didn’t want anything lasting, even when I knew they did. I made it impossible for people to get to know me. I made them want to stop trying. Not just past lovers, but everyone. You’ve had to have noticed by now that Mi’aka is really the only person I talk to.”
“And me.” The simple words and the slight squeeze of his hand made something well up inside his chest.
“And you.”
“You’re not like that anymore. You’re not angry.”
“No, I’m not. It was a long time ago. Now I’m just... here.”
“There’s nothing wrong with here,” said Anakin. “So you didn't want to be a farmer. I didn't want to be fucked every night."
Obi-Wan winced as Anakin continued. “You’re not a failure. Our pasts might suck, but they don’t define us. The things you’ve done for me, no Jedi could do that. I have a second chance thanks to you. And whoever called you cold is welcome to bite me.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t help the small smile that graced his mouth.
“Same thing to the bastard who told you you were aggressive. You were a kid. That’s what training is for, isn’t it? And there’s nothing wrong with passion.”
“Anakin...”
“And can you stop beating yourself up for all of this? I can hear it in your voice how much it bothers you. And... I mean, you told me once that our meeting was the will of the Force, and that we might never had met if you didn’t work for the AgriCorps. Do you think that maybe, the Force led you down this path so you could find me?”
Obi-Wan had said that. And if he had been a Jedi, then he wouldn’t have been on Tatooine that day, and Anakin would have been...sold to that man.
‘I would have killed myself.’
“How old were you?” The question was out before he could take it back. It just slipped out, and Obi-Wan was sure he didn’t want to know the answer.
Anakin looked him silently before answering, keeping their eyes locked. “Fifteen.”
Obi-Wan swallowed hard, keeping the bile down that threatened to come up.
“Stars alive, Anakin.” He squeezed his hand tighter.
“I’m fucked up. I know I am. But trust me, it could have been worse. “
“How-“
“If Watto had been a bastard I could have been on my knees when I was ten.”
|||
Anakin really wished he hadn’t been getting so good at shocking Obi-Wan into silence sometimes. When it was about things that weren’t so serious, he got a kick out of watching the man grasp for words. Not times like these though. He would take it back if he could, he shouldn’t have even said it. But it was true. Had Watto been a greedier bastard than he was, and if he was into the whole child prostitution thing, Anakin’s life would have been just that much worse even earlier.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” said Anakin. “All things considered, Watto was a decent master. He was never into that.”
“Thank the stars.”
“Yeah.”
Anakin picked up his cup and drank deeply. The tea had cooled enough so his throat didn’t burn. The spicy tang ran over his taste buds as he and Obi-Wan lapsed into a silence. It should have felt uncomfortable but it didn’t. They were just two people stepping back into their own minds, adjusting from uncomfortable topics. Talk of sex would probably always lead him back to his own past, but he didn’t have to let it overwhelm him. While he was awake it was easier to push things back from the front of his mind. The real test would be the nights to follow.
At least he had Obi-Wan. He couldn’t imagine trying to work through all of his issues without the other man right by his side. He really didn’t want to do any of this alone. Anakin was always alone. After the Twi’leks that had cared for him in those early days in the brothel had been sold or killed, he’d never gotten close to anybody, didn’t want to, kept them away.
He kept people away, and so did Obi-Wan.
I guess we’re more alike than I thought. Different circumstances, but we both have trouble opening up and trusting don’t we?
Anakin hid a smile behind his cup as his gaze landed to his hand intertwined with Obi-Wan’s. The heat of his hand warmed Anakin’s, and Anakin could swear he could feel it all along his arm.
Does he even realize we’re still holding hands?
It was nice - a comforting, reassuring touch. It had always felt like that between them. At least that’s how Anakin felt. How Obi-Wan felt... well, that was an entirely different arena.
Just once I would like your shields to lighten up. I can be an open book a lot of the time, but you keep yourself so guarded, Obi-Wan.
But the fact that Obi-Wan had opened up to him a little bit, told him more about his past, made his stomach flutter
It was hard to believe though, Obi-Wan being anything other than the calm, rational-minded man that was before him. Anakin couldn’t imagine him angry, or falling into bed with someone just for the hell of it. Though the latter did make him think. The Jedi believed in non-attachment, neutrality, the less emotion the better. Anakin knew all too much about meaningless sex, he supposed that neither of them had ever experienced it with someone that meant something.
Obi-Wan said he wasn’t proud of it, and Anakin could practically taste the self-loathing in his voice when he did.
‘It took a while for it to sink in that I was no longer an Initiate, but a...a failure.’
Everything comes back to the Jedi for you, doesn’t it Obi-Wan? They’re not worth it, not after all this time. You’re so much more than anything they told you. So much more.
Anakin believed that with every beat of his heart.
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Sun Kissed