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The Faithful and Ferocious	By : HatefulWitch Category: Star Wars (All) > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3332 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, characters, or creation of Star Wars, nor do I make any money off of it.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Obi-Wan was frantic. He'd searched Tatooine since the Salt Flat Fiasco happened five hours earlier.
One minute, he, Luke, and Owen Lars were pleasantly bantering in the compound's kitchen then the next minute, Anakin came in foaming at the mouth. Chairs, cabinet doors, a table, and a good deal of dishes met their brutal end and most frighteningly, the Force acted as their method of execution. By the time the expletive-loaded eruption ended, sky-blue irises were golden and rimmed in crimson. Luke cried and screamed as the deranged Force-wielder departed and by the time Obi-Wan calmed the younger Skywalker, he couldn't find his terroristic partner anywhere.
He searched all the common places he knew Anakin to go: the house, the Sea, the Rift. He even checked around the Lowland Basin, the Mesric Plateau, a couple outposts, and the outskirts of Bestine and Anchorhead. The more he struck out, the more hysterical he became. His bewitched soulmate was trudging around the recesses of this godforsaken planet while he fumbled about totally clueless. That's what I am. Totally clueless. He knew the voice was in full cry and even surmised it was specifically preying upon their relationship. It was the only logical explanation for the recent deterioration in Anakin's mental hygiene, as well as the sepulchral distance between them for the last week. Something malignant had been growing and he selfishly, recklessly, put himself before his significant other's safety and wellbeing. He allowed withdrawal, volatility, accusations, and self-deprecation without a word, all because he was afraid Anakin might try to leave or sneak off with Luke. I want to run away. I was ready to take Luke and leave.
After the brunette branded him a liar, there were no more heart to hearts. He tried to ask what was wrong a few times, but after he constantly received irascible brush-offs, he quit asking. They stopped kissing and holding hands. They still slept in the same bed, but they didn't face each other. How could he have been so immobilized by fear that he satisfied such an unwanted, transparent self-fulfilling prophesy? No more. He couldn't be afraid for a second longer. As soon as he found and calmed Anakin, he would demand and work towards improvement.
It was past sundown and he still hadn't found his dangerously unhinged housemate. Since he intuitively knew the once-enslaved Tatooinian would not go north, it looked more and more like this chase would end off-planet. Rather waste time with northern or northeastern (inter)cardinal directions, he headed back to the house to exchange his landspeeder for the corvette he'd gotten out of his mission with Ahsoka. He didn't know where to begin his intergalactic search, but he was prepared to reduce the damn galaxy to rubble if that's what it took to find Anakin.
When he skirted along the anterior of the house, he was immediately on alert. Either Anakin returned and didn't close the door or someone broke in. He hurriedly stepped out of the still-running speeder and powered towards his home, noting the intact lock-pad and lack of splintering around the doorframe as he bustled along. Once he was within a couple meters of the doorway, he heard heavy thudding and shattering sounds. He sprinted inside only to find a one-hundred and eighty-eight-centimeter ball of rage and calamity.
Every breakable item within reach was being tossed and smashed. Splintered glass, cerillium, and plastene littered the flextile and if he wasn't so concerned with saving their humble household, he would have found relief that Anakin wasn't using the Force for the destruction. He didn't get a chance to see what item was next up for the demolition derby before he leapt down the landing stairs and crossed the sitting room to grab ahold of the maniacal man. The tug on his upper arms caused Anakin to bunglingly stumble back and drop the glowlamp in his grip.
Given the limited amount of strength applied in the attempted restraint, the Stewjonian knew the score. He spun the younger Forceful in his hands to find glassy sapphirine orbs and disappointedly observed, "You're drunk."
"Yeah, I'm fuckin' drunk. Got some Fire und'r the table at the Glass and got fuckin' drunk," Anakin severely slurred with a hostile eye roll and a curling snarl.
Obi-Wan worked out that his irrational friend must have regained cognizance, returned home from the moisture farm, looted his credit ingots, then went to the infamous Sunglass Bar in Bestine to purchase expensive, hard-to-find Skannbult Likker, also known as Fire Liquor. His fingers tightened over Anakin's shoulders when he scolded, "How in Malachor do you think this will solve anything? The dark side will not take a sick day because you decide to ingest one of the most highly volatile intoxicants in the galaxy. Did you even stop to consider the danger you were putting yourself in by going to the Sunglass? Aside from running the risk of being recognized, you would have been too intoxicated to defend yourself had you been attacked. Have you lost all-"
There was a peevish push against his chest, "I don't fuckin' care."
He grabbed ahold of the outstretched hands in front of his chest, "I don't want to fight you, faneta. Don't turn this into a fight between us. I want to help."
Anakin leaned their faces closer together and growled, "Wanna help? Pen'trate me."
His arms fully straightened with mismatched hands still tight in his grip, putting distance between them, "What?"
The smashed Force-sensitive surged forward to kink his fingers into the front of Obi-Wan's tunics. Only their scrunched-up arms separated them when he hauled their bodies closer together with a guttural dare, "Penetrate me. Fuck me."
Only met with aghast, open-mouth silence, he thrusted his arms outwards, taking Obi-Wan's with the motion, and mashed their bodies and lips together. The dumbfounded Jedi didn't return the kiss, so he pulled back a tiny fraction and carnally breathed, "Wanna help? Put me on my knees 'n' slide your cock deep 'nside me."
"Anakin…" Obi-Wan placed his hands on his partner's waist to regenerate space between them. The action was countered by the stamp of a liquor-flavored kiss, but he again pushed against the waist in his hands, "Anakin Skywalker! Stop." His protest was disregarded as lips again crashed against his and their hips gyrated together. He shoved against the taller man's torso with more force than before, finally successfully creating distance between them. With gasps falling from his mouth and stars shooting behind his eyes, he tried to make it incontrovertibly clear this escapade would go no further, "This ends now."
Anakin peered up through catlike eyes with an intense ferocity, determined to ignore any warning or protest, and stretched his mechno-hand forward to hook into the cognac leather belt around his intended's waist, "Come 'n me."
The kittenish mechno-hand was seized and the invitation was vehemently refused, "No, Anakin."
Obi-Wan's resolute veneer was not prepared for the flesh hand that shot forward and cupped his indisputably hard manhood through his khaki-colored pants, "You wan' me."
"I-I…kark…" He stumbled over his words and thoughts with his soulmate touching him so intimately but in due course removed the ambushing hand from his person. After a couple calming breaths, he evenly spoke, "Of course I want you, I always want you, especially when you-you grind on me, but nothing will ever happen between us while you're like this, upset and out of your head."
"Say it!" Anakin wailed as he clutched the older Forceful's shoulder. His eyes were tearful and his voice was riddled with despondency and desperation, "You told 'im you're jus' helpin' me get back on my feet! I was standin' ou'side the door! You don' love me! You're stuck with me so I don' fuck up! You've always b'n stuck with me!"
That's what set all this off? What I said to Mister Lars? Obi-Wan moved forward and caught his whimpering friend in a tender hug, "That's not what I meant at all." He could only manage a strained voice when he pressed his cheek against disheveled hair, "I was making a lame excuse to get him to stop asking about our living arrangements. I didn't put much thought into it. I didn't consider you would either." He pressed a loving kiss into tangled locks, "Even if I was stuck with you, which I am not, I could never be more thankful. I love you more than anything in existence." One of his hands cradled a protruding shoulder blade, "For the sake of me loving you, aside from what's moral here, I would never take advantage of you while you are drunk."
The admission of adoration appeased Anakin's inebriated mind and he slipped his flesh hand into the back of Obi-Wan's undertunic, sliding it softly over a scarred shoulder, "Show me you love me, 'man'ca. I belong t' you, I'm yours, take a'vant'ge. Your soul w's made for mine 'n' my body w's made to be fucked by yours."
Their embrace was broken and emerald jewels cut against sapphire ones, "That's enough. You're going to sleep."
Obi-Wan attempted to turn away, but he was forcibly shoved backwards. He landed on the couch and admittedly did not land gracefully. His arms flailed backwards to try to catch the fall, but he ended up bouncing downwards until his back was against the seat of the couch. Before he could sit up or even change the position of his askew arms, Anakin closed over him and went to work on unbuckling his belt. It only took a couple more seconds before he regained his faculties and reached for frantically-moving fingers. A black-gloved hand swatted at his, so he promptly took hold of slim wrists. Once their limbs were stationary and their eyes were fiercely linked, he sternly repeated, "I said enough."
"Obi-Wan, please," the brunette seductively purred. "I know you're hard, jus', fuck…" He wrenched their arms ajar to bend down and lick a line up the fabric over the Jedi's thigh, "Leas' let me suck you off."
Despite the ache deep in his stomach and groin, Obi-Wan firmly declined, "No, enough."
Anakin purposefully laid his head down on the blonde's hip and gazed up with lust-crazed eyes, "I'll do 't howev'r you wan'. I'll swallow if you wan' me to." Flesh and mechanical fingers squeezed tense forearms, "Please love me."
Obi-Wan's teeth and eyes clenched as he sightlessly hauled the slighter man up against his torso. The reek of alcohol was overpowering as breath fogged against his collarbone. His hand molded over the back of honey hair and his opposite arm circled around his partner's waist to limit movement.
The pitcher of heartbreak obscured the aftertaste of betrayal.
"If you think you have to offer your mouth or body to be loved by me, I have done something very wrong."
::::
The events of the previous night flashed through his mind like clips of a horror holofilm and he was drenched in humiliation and dread. For the sake of his own ego, he didn't want to get out of bed and face the situation. For the sake of Obi-Wan and their relationship, he was going to anyway. He couldn't seem to swallow the solid mass in his throat as he scooted out of bed and ironed out his bedraggled clothes.
As soon as he saw Obi-Wan at the kitchen table, hawk-bats took flight in his stomach. The feeling only became more nauseating when he realized there was no trace of the mess he vaguely remembered making on the sitting room floor. He didn't know what he expected Obi-Wan to do after noticing him, but it certainly wasn't to smile and greet, "Good morning. I made you some H'Kak bean tea. It will help with the hangover."
He tried to return the smile, but it probably fell flat. He took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs, "Thank you for cleaning up." He swiftly pointed over his shoulder towards their bedroom, "And you didn't have to let me stay in there. With you." When he received a mystified stare, his eyes focused on his hands, "I-I don't remember everything, but I recall the gist of what happened."
Obi-Wan honestly didn't think anything about the previous night would be remembered given the involvement of Fire Liquor. Anakin couldn't even stand up by the time he'd been put to bed. Obi-Wan debated all morning about how he was going to approach the previous night, but it would seem the conversation was served up to him like a Rodian Platter. He placed his fork on the tabletop and leaned back in his chair, "It's your bed, too, Anakin. That is the very least of my concerns. I am more concerned you think I don't love you because we haven't slept together. Do you think that?"
Anakin turned his head to the side with his eyelids flickering like the wings of a sentinel beetle, "No, I don't think that."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
The Tatooinian had been right the week before. In his effort to heal Anakin, Obi-Wan let the most basic foundation of their entire relationship crumble. They'd both stopped speaking the language of honesty in the last few months. It was time to reconstruct this foundation, to speak in their native tongue again, or they'd never be able to repair their damaged trust. He pushed his plate back with his forearm and settled his folded arms on the table, "Do you know why I've never tried to have sex with you?"
Anakin leered fearfully out of the corner of his eye. This was it. It was finally time for Obi-Wan to admit he was repulsive, untouchable. He'd been around so long his old master just got used to him, felt sorry for him, and that's where any feelings of attachment came from, but there could never be a physical relationship because he was marred, half-machine monster. He recognized that fed-up look. This is it.
"I don't ever want you to think that's what I'm here for."
His head turned to stare in winded astonishment. The feeling intensified with the consequent confession, "We only instituted us a short time ago and I've been afraid if I made sexual advances, you would think it was the only reason I fought to be with you."
Anakin's palms leaned against the edge of the table, "Why would you possibly think I would make that judgement?"
Obi-Wan tilted his head with an arched brow, "You often misinterpret things I do, Anakin, and you often commit to those misinterpretations even if I persistently deny them."
The brunette lifted his elbows to the rim of the table and cradled the top of his face in his hands. Wobbly libration, who knows what it would have tried to convince me of if he tried to fuck me? Even when he doesn't have all the details, he's Force-damn right. How could I forget he's always Force-damn right? His hands lowered to the table to uncover his reddened eyes and he chokingly enlightened, "I know last night was…fucked up, from top to bottom fucked up, but the…the emotion behind it was real. I…I know we haven't been together very long, but I've loved you for eighteen, almost nineteen, years. I'm…it's that...I want every part of you."
A hand softly slipped into his, "I want you, too."
A sensation similar to hunger pains gnawed at his stomach and a hesitant smile plucked at his lips, "You do?"
"There isn't a moment I don't."
A full smile stretched over his mouth and he gripped the hand in his more firmly. However, Obi-Wan's expression unexpectedly soured and he was overcome with uncertainty. There were a few moments of silence before his partner's pained, melodic voice gusted in the space between them, "Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you last night? I wanted you, the Force knows I did, because it was your voice, your eyes, your hair, your hands. But my Anakin, my Anakin, doesn't beg or have to get drunk to express himself and I knew your mind was acting as a playground for the dark side."
Fingers constricted his palm to bone-crushing levels, "It can't be anywhere near a physical bond between us, Anakin. I can't deal with that. I can stand and let you scream in my face for ten hours straight, but if I made love to you and darkness came anywhere close to us, I could not deal with it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Anakin slumped down in his chair. How did I not realize he has considered this as much as I have? That he might have been suffering, too? Selfish was the perfect word to describe me. His eyes fixed on their conjoined hands when he muttered, "Yes."
Based on the night before, Obi-Wan knew the subject of a physical bond between them was a sensitive one, but he needed to address it directly and truthfully. He felt their relationship depended on it. He felt Anakin's stability depended on it. A cavernous breath passed through his lips before he digressed, "Do you remember the night I gave a portion of my Living Force to you?"
His housemate's head perked up and he received a nod of assent, "The dark side overcame you and spoke through you. It said to me… I restrained you after we fell and it asked me how long had I…fantasized about pinning you down. I told it I knew it was not you, so it began speaking about you in third person. It asked…" He closed his eyes and drew in an acute breath, "…it asked, wouldn't you love to fuck his smart mouth? I was so angry all I could do was tell it to leave you, but it didn't. It carried on and said I'd get…tired of your smart mouth. I told it to leave again. I didn't know what else to do.
"And then it…what made me lose control…it told me a…a… gag would suffice while I…took you until you bled. That's when I broke off half of my Living Force and shot it into yours. It wasn't because I knew it would save you. It was because I was so furious and desperate, I didn't know what else to do. I know I should have told you, but I've barely been able to stand to think about it, let alone talk about it. I'm only talking about it now because I need to make you understand I can't… it upsets me to have it near us like that. I also realize it's one of the things I've told you, or not told you, that could be considered a lie and I am sick of lies and unsaid truths between us."
The back of Anakin's flesh hand smeared over his mouth, "I don't think you're a liar. I was being an asshole-"
Obi-Wan grasped his forearm, "No, Anakin. There have been things I've lied about, or simply don't speak of, and I don't want that to be our relationship. I don't want that to be our friendship or our relationship. That never used to be who we are. You were a seeker of truth and I was-"
"A giver of truth," the former general smiled. His unhampered hand streamed through his hair, "Even back then, I was never very good at giving the truth."
"Oh, really?" Obi-Wan laughed. "I remember a certain padawan who told a seven-year-old Togrutan Jedi youngling her new boots were ugly. And when the padawan was asked why he told this poor, crying youngling her new combat boots were ugly, I do believe he replied Because they were ugly. She asked my opinion. Was I supposed to lie to her?"
After a few seconds of blank, hushed staring, Anakin calmly stated, "Those boots were ugly."
"That's what I thought. I could never stop you from giving the truth, at least as you perceived it, no matter what I did. This problem we're having, this inability to say what we are thinking and feeling, to be honest with one another, it is what the dark side wants. It wants us to lie to each other, for you to question me and our relationship, for us to be separated, for you to fly off the handle, for you to get reeking drunk, for you to degrade yourself. Its endgame is to take you as it did at the end of the War or the night in the Sea and it will do anything it can to achieve those ends. That's why I need you to walk with me along a path of defiance. We may not be able to silence the voice, but we can take steps to lessen its influence. Let's start by taking care of ourselves and being honest with one another."
These indisputable facts only elicited a defeated sigh from the younger Forceful.
"I did lie to you about Satine."
Anakin peered up with raised eyebrows.
"I've been trying to justify what I didn't tell you because I thought it was in your better interest, but I realize it was deception." A smile tugged at Obi-Wan's lips, "I also refrained from telling you because I know how jealous you get and didn't want you to get unnecessarily worked up over it."
Mechno-fingers restlessly curved against the oka-wood table, "I lied to you about Padmé and my marriage, so…"
He tried to maintain the momentum of the conversation, "There's something else I want to get off my chest. It's about last night. What you did... this is a more neoteric problem and I didn't realize how bad it was until last night… I'll come right out and say it. It doesn't matter if it's an Initiate when you're ten, a Senator when you're seventeen, another padawan when you're eighteen, or the dark side a few months ago: it eats at my core when someone or thing degrades you. Or when you degrade yourself. You never used to do that. Before the end of the War, you never degraded yourself. I…I need to make it clear I will never love or accept what you did last night. You are worth more, you deserve more, and you should demand more for yourself like you always have."
It took Anakin surprisingly little analyzation to recognize the deep devotion in the reproach he'd been bestowed. It took a lot of chutzpah to recount the vulgar tale from the Sea but even more chutzpah to condemn behavior you know someone is better than. Obi-Wan wanted to see him strong, confident, and stable. He's not trying to twist my mind. He doesn't want me to bow to anyone. Not to the darkness…not even to him. He rose from his chair and stood beside the seated Stewjonian. His fingers tunneled into the shoulder of a beige tunic, "Even if you…" …don't think I'm beautiful and end up never fucking me, you're perfect and I never want you to change.
He decided against this provocative statement. Instead he opted to try to be more gracious to the sweet soul gazing up at him and bent down to kiss the blonde's earlobe, "Thank you for that night in the Sea and last night, my amanica. I know you would never degrade me. Degradation is not an action you are capable of."
Obi-Wan was glad the man snuggling his neck couldn't see the blush burning his cheeks and ears like an ion blaster, "If we…I want you to be in your right mind. I want you to be in the light."
Yeah, you're definitely perfect. Anakin breathed in deeply against pale skin, "So do I."
Pink still lingered on the Jedi's cheeks when he commanded, "Yes, well. Now we have all that out of the way, you need to drink this tea and get dressed."
"Why?"
He reached back to press the end of his index finger against a sun-blushed forehead as though to shame the other man's forgetfulness, "Because you have an incredibly upset son you need to see-"
Anakin jumped to his full height, "Forget the flotting tea!"
Obi-Wan grabbed cybernetic fingers as the brunette stepped towards the sitting room, "-and you have his incredibly enraged caretakers you need to talk to if you want to keep an open pass to the farmland. And I hope you're prepared to beg because you know how Mister Lars-"
"Then let's go!"
The older Force-user gripped the handle of the teacup and held it out towards his antsy friend, "You're moving slower than a Nautolan moon-snail and your eyes are bloodshot. Drink the tea or Luke is going to think you're spiced up. Or down. Whichever is worse."
The teacup was hoisted from his hold and the orange-colored liquid inside it was downed in one long, single swig.
"Let's go already!"
::::
Although they mustered up a relatively open conversation on the morning following the Fire Liquor Letdown, there were still parsecs upon parsecs of unchartered space to pioneer. The next couple rotations were spent in prevailing silence, though neither Forceful could judge whether the time was intended for momentary recovery or for preparation to sail the sea of drudgery and possibility that lay before them. On the second night of their mutual retreat, Obi-Wan decided it didn't matter if he was recovering or if he was preparing- he wanted to do it with Anakin. He turned in their bed to face the Tatooinian, surprised to find unblinking cobalt globes staring directly at him. He settled on his side and returned the intense eye contact, which endured for some time, before he raspingly propositioned, "Are you suffering from your idiosyncratic restlessness by any chance?"
Anakin tiredly smiled, "The key word is idiosyncratic. I'm always suffering from restlessness."
"Do you want to go somewhere tomorrow? Just you and me." He mentally kicked himself and quickly added, "Unless you want to take Luke. We can always take Luke with us. That goes without saying."
"He's still pretty mad at me for making the Larses upset. He'd probably like a rotation to himself. Where would you and me go?"
"We could go to the Iel un Uam Oasis."
"That's probably two-thousand or more kilometers from here."
The blonde's shoulder dismissively shrugged, "So? We have a corvette."
His bedmate's smile morphed into a triumphant smirk, "What about playing it safe?"
He reached forward to caress a sun-dusted cheek, "The ship is unmarked, unflagged, and no one goes to lifeless oases in the middle of the Eastern Dune Sea, so we're already safer than you were three nights ago, love."
"When did you become such an expert on this crummy planet?"
"You told me about the Iel un Uam Oasis about fifteen or so years ago, you silly man."
Anakin chuckled, "Alright, let's go. But I warn you, I have a lot of memories in that place. Who knows how maudlin I might get."
"Consider me warned," Obi-Wan heedlessly accepted. With one last smile, Anakin finally broke their eye contact and turned in the bed. He longingly stared at the slender back turned towards him. Show me you love me, amanica. He shuffled across the bed. Right as curious eyes peeked around to see what all the movement was, he melded the front of his body against the back of his partner's. His arm encircled Anakin's waist and his forehead pressed against the base of his bedmate's head. After a moment, cybernetic fingers entwined with his. After the quivering under his hand and arm ceased, he soothingly exhaled, "Goodnight, my dear."
The return was tranquil and enraptured, "Goodnight."
::::
Haryazina Lake. A seven-hundred-meter-long, lifeless salt pit filled with water from underground reservoirs. It was surrounded by thyme, shrubs, lovegrass, palm trees, and, beyond that, sheets of desert.
"I hate this dumpa," Anakin sighed to himself with his hand vised over his eyes to block out the blinding light of the suns.
A voice from behind him huffed, "I heard that."
His hand waved up and down next to his shoulder, "I didn't say anything."
"Why was this your go-to hermitage as a child if you hate it and think it's a dump?"
He promenaded to the border of the lake to get a closer view of glimmering greenish-blue water before spotting a mildly defoliated area only a little way from where he was standing. He trekked to the area and sat down on sandy terrain, facing the water. Obi-Wan lowered to the ground next to him soon after. His mechno-hand reached up to grab hanging blades of lovegrass as he sighed, "I hate it because I had to come here, not the other way around."
He broke the blade between his fingers in two, "There were times when I couldn't take it. Someone would call me slave or order me to clean up their mess and I'd…crack. I'd run away from Watto and get a ride with haul truck operators, transients, whoever I could find until I was close enough to walk the rest of the way here. There was water I could purify with a fire, there was solitude, so here I came.
"It wasn't often I ran away, but when I did, I took my time going back. I'd stay here for rotations at a time, maybe even a week. It was the only place I knew of that Watto wouldn't send for me. A bounty hunter would have charged that cheap-ass too much to come all the way up here from Mos Espa just to retrieve a slave.
"After I got my fill of this wasteland, I'd head back the way I came. I had to go back. For Mom. I could have fled from him and survived, even as a youngling, but my mother couldn't have. She would have never survived roughing it in the desert, with no roof, no food, no order or laws. One good thing is that when I lost my shit and couldn't take it anymore, I didn't have to worry about her. Watto never bothered her when I was gone and I knew he never would. We both knew she was the only reason I kept coming back."
Obi-Wan leaned over to plant a kiss on a bronze cheek, "There's no doubt your mother was relieved to see your face every time you returned to her." His fingers combed through sun-warmed curls, "Speaking of traversing the planet without proper transportation: how did you get from the salt flat to our house to the Sunglass back to our house without our landspeeder or corvette?"
Anakin chuckled, "The same way I came here as a child. An ancient art form called hitchhiking."
"First of all, you have no idea how upset I still am that you spread your face all over Tatooine. You know better than anyone what salty gossips live on this rock. I'm still expecting ramifications from that. Second of all, you were very touchy when you were drunk on Likker, so that leaves a big question mark on how you behaved with whoever you hitched a-"
His back stiffly straightened, "I wasn't touchy with anyone that wasn't named Obi-Wan. I rode in the back of a haul truck with a bunch of metals to get home."
His declaration was disputed, "I don't see how you can be certain of anything considering how drunk you were, but-"
"I'm certain."
"I mean while you were at the bar even-"
"I didn't touch anyone," Anakin sensitively insisted. "I didn't offer to touch anyone and nobody touched me."
"Alright," Obi-Wan quietly conceded. After a moment, he held three fingers in the air and tried to make peace by resuming their original conversation, "Third of all, you hitched rides with transients while you were a nine-year-old?"
"I actually started doing it when I was six," the frowning brunette split another piece of lovegrass. "Not all of us can have perfect Coruscanti childhoods."
Obi-Wan lowered his fingers and shook his head, "My childhood wasn't perfect, but that aside, I'm…amazed and thankful someone didn't try to hurt or rob or r-"
"It's not for lack of trying," the reminiscent Forceful disdainfully interrupted. His demeanor seemed to change in an instant when he turned with a little smile, "I could take care of myself. As Master Qui-Gon told you, I was quite advanced for my age."
The Jedi Master pointed at his own chest in emphasis, "I raised you, my little padawan; I don't have to rely on Qui-Gon's endorsements." He ignored the eye roll he earned and pointed towards the lake, "Do you want to get in?"
The invitation was met with a sharp snort, "Its salinity is thirty-nine percent. I sure fucking don't."
He teasingly prodded a bony shoulder, "Not even your feet?"
Anakin twisted his shoulder away with a groan, "Since you insist."
They took their time removing their shoes and socks and rolling up their pantlegs. The innermost bank of the Haryazina resembled a precipice, dropping down a number of centimeters from solid earth into water, so they were easily able to lower their feet and ankles into the hypersaline lake. The scorching heat of the desert day drenched their skin as they quietly sat side by side, enjoying the lukewarm water flowing and ebbing against their feet.
Anakin thought things were so peachy he never expected a familiar multiphonic hiss to swarm his head. All things come and go like the tide. When you tell him how much the darkness has influenced your relationship, he will be disgusted by you. He will leave you. He said the reason he could not touch you was because of the darkness inside you. When you reveal yourself to him, when he sees the scope of your vileness, he will leave you.
His eyes squeezed shut. We may not be able to silence the voice, but we can take steps to lessen its influence. Dirt and sand clumped in his fisted hands, "Are you going to leave me?"
Obi-Wan's head snapped to the side in complete confoundment. There were no arguments, no accusations, no misunderstandings. Conversation was amiable and engaged. There were no indications of derangement. Where did this come from? He drew his feet from the water and walked them along the ground until he was able to turn in Anakin's direction. His legs bent beside his body and he leaned forward to ensure their eyes connected, "No. I am not going anywhere. Why would you ask me that?"
He wished he could blame the tears and overemotional state on the parched heat, but that was made impossible when a broken voice bemoaned, "I've let so much happen."
He cupped Anakin's hot cheek, "I'm not going anywhere."
"I've let too much happen."
He'd made a resolution to himself to address the issues damaging his soulmate and their relationship and he wasn't going to fail his first test, "What did it say to you during those two rotations?"
He waited patiently for an answer, but when Anakin scooted towards the water, a signal of disengagement, he shifted onto his knees to hook his hands over the retreating man's shoulders, "Don't tune me out. Before I left for Corellia, we were finally starting to be open with one another. You were talking to me. Three mornings ago, you were talking to me. Don't stop talking to me."
Even though the voice tried to discourage it, Anakin wanted to talk to Obi-Wan. You can talk to me about anything. Give me your pain. Whatever it said to you, don't let it fester like an infected wound on your mind, energy, and soul. He wasn't ready to talk about every single grisly thing that haunted his head, past or current, but maybe he could make small strides. Maybe if he broke down all the thoughts and concerns one by one, it wouldn't overwhelm him or scare off Obi-Wan. What's one thing that's been making me want to put my head through a wall? After a few stiff moments, he raised a long-unaddressed concern, "Why did you save me that night?"
"What night?"
"In the Sea."
Obi-Wan gawked at the absurdity, "What do you mean? You were overcome. I couldn't abandon you in that state."
"You did it to prevent me from succumbing to the dark side."
"I did it because my soulmate was in extremis," he elaborated with fidelity and conviction. "I was prepared to die if that's what it took to preserve you."
"So, you did it to protect me?"
"Yes. Why do you think I took the actions I did that night?" His brain moved at full tilt to try to discern what Anakin could have possibly perceived his actions to be motivated by. You did it to prevent me from succumbing to the dark side. Why don't you ever tell me the truth? You think I will fall again. Fuck knows what drives you in your bones! You did it to prevent me from succumbing to the dark side. You don' t love me! You're stuck with me so I don't fuck up! You're stuck with me so I don't fuck up! You think I only did it because I'm a Jedi and you were a threat. He turned Anakin by the shoulders, "Do you think I do what I do to control you?" He lost all patience for any stalling tactics when he edgily pressed, "Do you? Answer me."
"I don't know."
His eyes narrowed in incredulous offense before he scaled to his feet. His fingers raked back and forth through the gray and caramel hair at his temples as he paced in an imperfect circle. Only after he calmed down enough that he was sure he wasn't going to yell did he crossly demand, "When did you come to this conclusion? Did you decide this when you were eleven? When you were nineteen? Twenty-three? Nine months ago? When you were ingesting red dwarf while I was gone four weeks ago? And don't say you didn't get soused while I was gone. I found the empty bottle in the kitchen the morning I returned." His palms grated over the sides of his skull, "I have a pretty good theory when this conclusion was drawn."
Anakin shrunk under his old master's rare show of rage, "I made no conclusion."
Obi-Wan refused to let this conversation be evaded. He stopped pacing to look directly at the Tatooinian and toughly challenged, "The hell you didn't. That's why your energy has been abusing mine during our bonds. It spoke to you. It's still speaking to you. I know these thoughts aren't coming from you. You know better. At least you do until you're intoxicated, then it appears you can be manipulated into anything."
"It-"
"I know some things I do or say seem constrictive, like when I tell you not to leave the house alone-"
"Obi-Wan-"
"-but it is to protect you and keep you in the light."
"Obi-Wan-"
"For the reason that I love you. For the reason that the thought of the dark side consuming your soul causes me physical pain and the prospect of not being able to see your face or hear your voice makes me want to crawl into myself and forget I ever existed." He marched to Anakin and kneeled in the barren soil, "The dark side controlled you, Sidious controlled you, the Council tried to control you. I'd never try to control you for any reason. Your body and your mind belong to you. Any thought you have or action you take should be yours. That's one of the reasons I get so upset by the dark side invading your mind. It's trying to take and corrupt what belongs to you."
The side of his upturned index finger hooked under Anakin's dimpled chin, "Immobilizing you at the end of the War was the only time I've ever tried to control you and I only did it because it wasn't you. And even knowing it wasn't you mentally and spiritually, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I have no right to control your body. But the choice was between controlling your body in the most extreme manner or allowing the dark side to use it and its power. I…I couldn't let the dark side have your body. It already took your mind and I couldn't...
"If I'd known there was another option…if I'd known there was a way to save you without controlling you and hurting you… I would have willingly taken Senator Amidala's place and given my Living Force to you so Luke and Leia would still be with their mother and you would still be with your wife. And even if you never believe me, that's the truth."
Although the tears in Obi-Wan's eyes never broke loose, the tears in Anakin's eyes did. He tried to generate a suitable response for such bold, loving declarations, but the only thing he could focus on was how he'd let himself fall so totally under the demon's spell. How could he have been so outwitted and deceived to such an extent that he forgot who he was dealing with?
This man was willing to give his life to save Anakin from the dark side. It wasn't some empty promise of I would have gone in your wife's place. In the Sea, he proved he wouldn't hesitate to forfeit his Living Force if it meant Anakin would get to subsist. Yet the person he was so willing to die for was somehow questioning the authenticity of his love. How did the dark side twist and contort so effectively that Anakin questioned this immaculate angel? Not only questioned but accused, blamed, lied to, abused. In his madness, he even compared the two as a father to his son.
His soulmate took care of him. His soulmate protected him. In what world did Obi-Wan not love him?
The finger under his chin unfurled and stroked along his jawline, "What did it say to make you withdraw from me?"
He didn't know what to say, but Obi-Wan deserved better than silence, "I'm not trying to withdraw from you."
"Yet you're doing so expertly."
"I don't mean to. There's…" The occasional tear broke loose as he tried to rise above the tempest of emotion whirling within him like a hyperwind storm. The voice's rancorous laughter rang in his ears as it mockingly repeated what Obi-Wan so sweetly said about his children and Padmé. Shut up! Shut up, shut up, fuck you! He closed his eyes and pressed his palms against his ears, "…there's so much that goes on in my head and I don't know what's me and what's it. It twists things and I try to stop it, but I can't stop it and the more I fight it, the stronger it gets. I try to fight it... I want to tell you all of it, I want to tell you all these fears and, and…it's made me…if I tell you what I think or want or feel, then whatever you respond with is only because I asked or cried and you feel obligated or sorry, not because you mean it."
Hands clasped over his to pull them from away his ears, "Are you talking about us sleeping together?"
"No." Don't lie, Anakin. You do the same shit, you're going to get the same results. "I mean…not only."
"I'm not trying to beat you over the head, but I need to make this clear as a solar eclipse in the case I wasn't clear the other morning," Obi-Wan leaned forward on his hand to draw their eyes closer. "If you doubt I love you and doubt I do the things I do because of my love for you, then you would only doubt me and my motives if I took you to bed. That would very likely kill me. Furthermore, I don't want us to make love because you need a point proven. It should happen because we can't stand to be apart for a second longer."
"I don't doubt you love me," Anakin refuted.
Emerald eyes lowered in pain and distress, "If you didn't, you would have never said You don't love me and Please love me when you were drunk that night."
So selfish. He got so inescapably wound up in his own head and emotions that he never realized how much hurt his doubts caused his partner. The Oil Occasion happened because he tried to show that his love was unchanged. The possibility of his motive being questioned never even crossed his mind. How would it have felt if his motive had been questioned? How would he of reacted?
How would he ever convince Obi-Wan he'd grasped the magnitude of this galaxy-shaking failure without it seeming insincerely contrived? Their trust was broken. In so many ways, their trust was broken.
He didn't realize he moved until the lake water clipped against his toes. Salt and water. Maybe that will wash away my sins. Without much consideration beyond that, he stepped into the Haryazina. His leg and pantleg were swallowed up to the knee and his other leg followed suit. He waded deeper into the water. By this point, Obi-Wan jogged to the bank and sat down, swiftly lowering both legs into the lake. Once he closed the distance between them, he grabbed a black, sun-heated sleeve and turned the brunette around. Somehow, he wasn't surprised by the tears.
When an embrace was attempted, Anakin launched back into the water. Once he stood up again, his tunics were wholly soaked and the water stood above waist-level. His voice sounded as sun-dried as the region around them, "It turned my mind inside out. Black was white. Matter was antimatter. Shallow was deep. But now…as I'm standing here in this hermitage oasis of my childhood all I can think is I'm as stupid as a child. I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I'm sorry I ever believed it."
The salt from his hands burned when they pressed into his eyes as his face bent nearer to the surface of the water with each sob. Obi-Wan swam to him within seconds and braced him.
This situation was formulaic. Even though he often pushed the people he loved until they were ready to abandon him, testing them, if they ever actually did, or he thought they were actually going to, he would break down. He'd first demonstrated this paradoxical behavior in his preteen years, which was why his former master was confident that even if he questioned Obi-Wan's love for him, he was fervid in his love for Obi-Wan. No matter how nasty the push or insult, he didn't actually want to drive a wedge between them or want Obi-Wan to leave. I thought about how franging fed up you probably are with me and how much you probably want to slap my mouth or leave or kick me out… This was the breakdown part of the program. He was afraid he'd pushed too far this time and would be abandoned.
Of course, Obi-Wan had no intention of leaving his soulmate. He only wanted a little honesty and openness. His hand gently rubbed against a protruding spine, "I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you for your afflictions. I only want you to talk to me about them, even if they are upsetting to us. That way we can face them down together."
Anakin shakily inhaled, "I'm sorry I put you through what I did the other night."
"I know." Obi-Wan reassured, "Just talk to me instead of getting spaced out on imported liquor next time, alright?"
"I'm not ready to talk about everything yet."
"I can accept that as long as you let me know...something. Even if you only say to me I don't feel well today, it's bothering me; give me something."
The voice screamed not to take the chance, that it would be the first domino in the fall of their relationship, but Anakin wanted to take it. The first step is taken on faith, not sight.
"I don't feel well today. It's bothering me."
A hand caressed his cheek, "While we've been out here?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry I didn't notice, but I'm glad you told me. Let's talk. It doesn't have to be about what it's saying. We can talk about anything at all, that way you have a distraction and you aren't focusing on it."
Something that's making you want to bang your head into a wall. Anakin couldn't stop the rogue sob that broke free from his lips, "Why do you love me?"
Obi-Wan passionately kissed ruby lips before declaring, "There's ten million reasons why I love you. Where to start… Actually, I do know where to start. No matter how many times darkness tries to cast over you, it cannot take your light. I'd like to think the inextinguishable light inside you is why your Living Force completes mine. And maybe it's because of the bond our Living Forces so easily slip into that you know me better than anyone else." He pressed a feverish kiss against the humid, salty flesh of his partner's neck, "Then again, in our bones, we have the same marrow. I think you were born knowing me better than anyone else."
Anakin's arms slipped around the older man's neck. "I mean...why do you love me after all the trials I put on you?"
Obi-Wan affectionately smiled, "There's no color in life without you, love. You may not always bring the kind of excitement I would prefer, but I will always prefer you and your antics stressing me out as opposed to not having you around. Except when you throw oil on me."
"Come on, that was sidesplitting."
He nipped the end of Anakin's nose, "I can put up with nearly anything from you as long as I am able to attend to your happiness."
The brunette only gave a little smile, "So, my energy completes yours, does it?"
"I told you before that the only time I know completion is when we meditate, didn't I?" The back of battle-worn fingers caressed his cheek, "I knew how fulfilling it would be to bond before we ever did it. That's probably why you're the only one I've ever been willing to bond with."
"Really?"
Their lips touched only when certain letters were spoken, "You didn't know you're the only one I've ever bonded with? I thought it would be obvious only the light of my life is allowed to touch my Living Force."
In what fucking world, Anakin? A light touch between their lips was succeeded by an apology, "I let myself get lost in this briny depth of banthashit and I kept drifting and drifting. I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"You're the one I love and trust, not this voice in my head."
The epiphany was sadly conditional. The dark side had deceived Anakin into great darkness on multiple occasions spanning multiple years. Obi-Wan dreamed of a world where he didn't have to take the dark side into account, but he knew that in the current reality it would be suicide to try to pretend the eternal enemy wasn't a threat to them and their relationship. He could only hope it went into remission for a long while, that way there would be unhindered time to rebuild their trust.
Whether the epiphany was conditional or not though, hearing those promising words and staring into hopeful eyes made his heart palpitate. His lips delicately pressed against Anakin's. When he pulled back, he felt the heat of his partner's mouth following his and reestablished contact. Anakin's tongue gently prodded against his lips and he happily granted access. The explorative tongue slid along his teeth then touched his. Despite the high heat from the two suns, he felt goosebumps and cold chills prickle over his body. He couldn't remember the last time they'd kissed like this. If we've ever kissed like this. The muscles of their mouths lightly caressed before Anakin's tongue retreated, leading his to follow. He could only stand the suckling on his tongue for a limited time before he had to pull away- mostly for his sanity. When his lips were finally his own again, he breathlessly beseeched, "We have to go rotation by rotation."
"Hour by hour."
He nodded, "Even better."
There was a brief moment of heated staring before their mouths fused together again. Their open lips searched desperately for as much contact as physically possible before Anakin felt his body beginning to react. He dislodged his mouth and limbs from their embrace and floated back in the water- mostly for his sanity. He wiped at lingering tears and sniffled, "I really added to the salinity."
Obi-Wan fondly smiled, "You probably should have avoided that. There's enough salt in here to dry up our blood as is. My vote is to get out."
"Seconded," Anakin waded towards the bank of the Haryazina.
Once they hauled themselves onto the bank, Obi-Wan tried to wring out his clothes as Anakin laid back on the ground underneath weeping lovegrass. He was already coated in saltwater; he may as well add dirt and sand to the mix. Obi-Wan eventually gave up on his never-ending task and sat to the left of Anakin's frame. The left half of his torso arched over the left half of Anakin's and his elbows and forearms settled into the ground above the other man's shoulders. He leaned their noses close together, "I love you."
Anakin bumped the sides of their noses, "Love you, too." He planted a kiss against a bewhiskered chin, "Sex isn't the only thing I want out of our relationship."
Obi-Wan laughed, "That's good to know."
"I'm serious," his arms circled around his fellow Forceful's waist. "I know I seem like I have a one-track mind about it, but that's not why I'm here either."
"I know."
"You're my best friend and I've loved you since my age reached double digits." Anakin tried to retain his serious comportment, but Obi-Wan's beautiful smile was contagious. Snickers weaved into his subsequent statements, "You taught me how to be a Jedi. You taught me how to speak Bith. You taught me how to cheat at Gundark Trainer." When he heard musical laughter, his heart melted and he pulled the body above his closer, "When it seems like I'm pressing, it's because you've always been a part of my life and I'm ready for you to be a part of me."
Obi-Wan's mouth firmly pressed against his cheek, "I'm already a part of you."
He lazily kissed Anakin's jaw, eyelids, chin, and nose. Their lips repeatedly met in open-mouthed kisses when Anakin felt a nudge to his energy. His moan was swept away on an arid breeze as wet lips dropped against his neck, "Tell me I'm not a part of you. Tell me this isn't intimate."
Threads of energy delicately tangled around his. My energy has been in fits of pain all day, sweetheart. Don't tease me. Hair from Obi-Wan's beard tickled his skin with each word, "Don't I kiss you? Hold you? Touch you? Lay in bed with you? Don't I allow your energy to love mine?"
A wall of energy undulated forth and braided with his. Both men moaned at the full Force bond and that was the last thing they remembered. It was unclear how long they laid together under the shade of weeping lovegrass, completely entranced in each other's energy, but Anakin guessed it was at least an hour based on the shadows of the foliage around them. They were both drenched in sweat from close proximity and the midday suns by the time the bond ended, but their overheated flesh didn't stop them from locking lips in an animated show of affection. Their mouths eventually parted and the younger Force-sensitive smiled, "Like I said before: you give me the world and I still want more."
Obi-Wan returned the smile and lifted his right hand to wipe sweat away from a dark brow, "That's okay. I still want more, too." He leaned in for an innocent kiss as his fingers strayed to toffee curls, "Don't stop talking to me."
"I don't have anything else to say."
"I don't mean right this second. I meant in general. You don't know how happy I am that you've spoke to me more than once in the past few rotations. Sometimes when you get in one of your moods and you don't want to talk, I feel like a complete failure."
Anakin's hand slid up his partner's sweat and saltwater-soaked back, "Failure?"
"Yes."
"You've never been a failure."
Obi-Wan's smile did not match his response, "Sure, I have been. In fact, I distinctly remember saying the words I have failed you on Mustafar."
"I think I was the one fighting on the side of the Sith, Obi-Wan. You have it a little backwards."
"If I didn't let things go or keep things I shouldn't to myself, you might have never turned to the Sith."
"I still feel like you're describing me."
"I miscommunicate equally as much as you do, believe it or not."
"Then we'll have to get our asses in line and try a second time." The look of befuddlement the statement received prompted the clarification, "To be more open with one another. I'm willing to try if you are."
This time, Obi-Wan's smile and words were on the same wavelength, "Of course I am."
"Done deal," he proudly declared.
The last syllable was barely spoken before lips closed over his in a tender touch. Obi-Wan's mouth veered to the side of his face, trailing down his throat before working back up to his ear, "Let's start with why you threatened Calitraz Sadizir's bowels when you thought he was trying to pursue me."
His right leg wrapped around the Jedi's left hip to flip their positions. He placed his hands on either side of his friend's head as his fully extended arms held him aloft, "He wasn't trying to pursue you. He was pursuing you. Besides, I think we should start with how you knew the voice and I crossed figurative lightsabers while you were on the assignment with Snips. Hence you saying no matter what it said to you on that datapad."
"I think we have a lot to talk about."
"A War, a couple falls to the dark side, five years' seclusion, and nine months of me dragging you through Qasak… I'm game. Are you?"
"I can stay up all night to keep you talking."
The rejoinder was part sarcasm and part sincerity, "Keep me talking until you get the screws in my head tightened, okay?"
"You don't need any screws tightened. You need to give me a few of the arms of the crosses bearing down on you and let me help drag them. I don't care how heavy it gets, Anakin. We are soulmates and in this life together."
Anakin swooped down for another kiss and the blonde used the proximity to level their eyes, "Moreover, I demand no more of this lovemaking nonsense. I swear to you: as soon as you're ready, as soon as you trust me again, as soon as we strengthen our relationship, I will make love to you. I will make love to you. I want to. But first, I need you to talk to me, to listen to me, to work through this with me. Let's get out of this misery together, my dear."
Can't you see he's lying, you cretin? He's a deceiver.
No. You're a Sith-sucking deceiver.
"I didn't want him speaking, or even thinking, about my Obi-Wan." He elaborated after his partner's brow arched in confusion, "That Sadizir fuck. What a freak. He practically followed you around with electrobinoculars!"
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The Faithful and Ferocious