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The Faithful and Ferocious	By : HatefulWitch Category: Star Wars (All) > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3334 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, characters, or creation of Star Wars, nor do I make any money off of it.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
Not a word. Not a glance. It was the cataclysm he dreaded. It was the abyss he knew would break open. It was nothing short of an apocalyptic disaster. He prayed to the Force for an aneurysm or cardiac arrest. If he would go the way of all flesh, sweat would stop oozing from every pore in his skin; his stomach wouldn't quiver like he was plummeting off the Farfalla skyscraper; his heart wouldn't feel too weak to pump blood. He grappled for the kitchen countertop to keep from collapsing. Tears obscured his vision. Not a word. Not even a glance. Please, Cosmic Force, please, kill me where I stand.
The sound of the bedroom door snapping shut said everything Obi-Wan didn't. What happened between us was an accident. I didn't know what I was saying. I don't ever want to talk to you again. I don't want you. His eyes closed. He pushed away from the countertop. His eyes opened. I don't love you. The rejection was so reverberating that it rattled his bones.
Lamb, no suffering is worth Obi-Wan. Come to me and you'll never be lonesome again.
His hands violently rubbed over his face and hair. Go away.
The darkness will soothe your sorry, smarting soul. Come.
Leave me alone.
We both know you don't want to be alone. Give yourself to me and I will fend off the loneliness.
You're a deceiver.
And you're pathetic. Praying for death over that worthless Jedi? You're pathetic! When did you become a neutered mutt? Don't beg! Prove your love like a paladin! Crucify your impotent soul and bequeath your mortal flesh to me! I will take the power it holds and do wonders!
Stop...
He doesn't want you or your rancid Living Force! You are barren! You have always been barren and so shall you remain until your last breath! He hates your skin and what lurks beneath! He sees you for what you are, you profane swine! He will never bond with you again! Your energy makes him sick! Stop breathing! You are less than nothing to him! He asked the Force to let him watch the light fade from your eyes! He wants you to die! He wants your breath to cease! Return to the cold blackness!
Bare cybernetic feet dragged down the hallway to the extra bedroom. The door closed. The touch of you reviles him! He had to scrub the feel of you from his memory! He doesn't want you! He will never want you! Die, heinous goblin!
The coverlet was dragged from the bed. He can't even look at your deformities! He'll never bond with your putrefied energy again! You are barren! He doesn't want you unless you are breathless in a body bag! He begs the Force to hack out your odious soul! Toss it into the flames, he cries, toss it into the black, blazing flames!
The sheet popped off the mattress. You repulse him, piteous lowlife! The hatred for you amasses within him each second you breathe! He will never touch your repugnant flesh again! It twisted, twisted. He has never wanted you and never will! Knotted. You are alone! You have been alone since you slithered out of the womb! Die alone, you disgraceful, traitorous snake!
A tiny voice smothered the banshee's wail. Daddy, I love you.
More tears galloped down his cheeks and he lowered to his knees. As tears poured like the waterfalls of Akar Kesh and his shaky hands untwisted and unknotted the sheet, he knew what he needed to do. It was the most sensible course of action. Freedom from my indecisive seesawing is the first step towards contentment for you.
He knew he'd given mixed signals throughout the entire encounter eight hours earlier, but all the elation and fear battling inside him, the calamitous struggle between his heart and head, left no room for consistency. He wanted to explain why he shoved away from their first kiss even though he initiated it, but he couldn't confess that a truculent voice in his head commanded him to kill the Jedi while he'd been ravaging said Jedi. Then Obi-Wan turned away from him and something inside him died. His energy urgently lurched forward and soon enough, his body followed. You have to know how much I love you. When those wide emerald eyes stared at him in awe after he expressed his affections, the only thing he'd been capable of was locking their lips for a second time. No coherency.
He'd made a complete fool out of himself and could never face his best friend again.
He stood from the ground to find something he could use as a substitute for a suitcase. It didn't have to be anything extravagant since he was only packing for himself. Wait! His hand clapped against his cheek in disbelief. Luke! He had to swing by the salt flat once the suns rose and pick up his son! He couldn't leave Luke with that dopey moisture farmer, especially since the buffoon would stroke out if he were to show up for a visit without Obi-Wan there to supervise. He dug in the storage closet for something large enough to fit a few of his and Luke's belongings. As he tossed boots, pillow cases, and other miscellaneous objects over his shoulder, he couldn't overlook the singular question his conscience posed. Are you sure you're making the right choice? He leaned his forehead against the frame of the closet with a heavy exhale, "He told me to stop." It was why he wasn't given a word or a glance: Obi-Wan felt ashamed by their interaction.
The only way to survive the wreckage was to vacate the crash site.
He'd leave his lifeless heart and ego on the landing as parting gifts.
::::
In the first blush of the morning, the ceiling above the bedside table lit up from the illustrious flash of the comlink. Anakin considered ignoring it but thought better of the idea on the off-chance there was an emergency. He halted his funereal packing to press the blinking button of the device and a projection of Ahsoka immediately came into view.
Her voice was filled with an abnormally chipper bounce, "Hey, I called to tell you that I came across Master Yoda on Dagobah! You'll be glad to know he's in ship shape and hasn't changed even a little bit! Can you believe I found him? I can't believe I found him!" She laughed, "I mean the chances of happening on him were even less than happening on you!"
He tried to force a smile, "Yeah, looks like it's your year, Snips."
The Togrutan didn't appear to notice his miserable mood, "I told him everything. I told him you're back on Squad Light Side and about the faceoff on Naboo."
"Wonderful," he monotonously approved.
The sides of her lips downturned. She thought her friend would surely be relieved and ecstatic to hear of Yoda's good health, particularly given the colossal guilt he felt for betraying his Jedi brethren. This news certainly wouldn't have made him forlorn, which meant he was down in the doldrums before she wired in. There were only four sources she was aware of that caused him depressive episodes: guilt about the War, guilt about deserting his children, the dark side, and Obi-Wan. Since their mutual friend was usually cemented at his side trying to commiserate with him during his episodes, she automatically knew Obi-Wan was the source. Her eyes tapered in concern, "How are things at the Kenobi-Skywalker homestead?"
"Historically accurate."
The white lines over her browbones raised, "Uh…I hope that means harmonious."
Anakin sat down on the side of the bed, providing an excellent view of his profile, "Why not?"
Though the emotionless response and stoic expression were less than expository, she could tell something definitely happened, "Do you want to paint me a picture?"
There was a protracted silence before he croaked out, "He told me he loves me. He told me his soul was made for mine."
Ahsoka's wide blue eyes blinked in astonishment, then she waited, and waited, and waited. She twisted her head from right to left, as though something passed her by, and hurriedly tried to think of how this could possibly register as bad news. Still trying to process her old master's mystifying words, she very slowly assessed, "And…and you're sad…about it? You're upset…about it?"
"He took it back."
She tried to articulate a productive response but repeatedly resorted to hung-mouth shock. That can't be right. When Anakin's teeth gnashed his lips and his eyes squinted to dam his overflowing tear ducts, she attempted to speak again. However, after a couple jumps of her bottom lip, she found she could only manage a contrite, "Oh, Anakin."
Although nothing about Obi-Wan's alleged behavior held water, Anakin's pain was undeniable. She wished her hand could phase through the comlink to supportively pat the brunette's shoulder, but logic and psychotherapy were her only available means of comfort, "Are you sure that's what happened? Did he actually say he-"
"He doesn't have to explicitly say My bad, Anakin, I'm delirious with cabin fever and you're the only person I've seen in five and a half years. He's treated me like a ghost since he said it."
"You are not the only person he has seen in five and a half years," she quipped. However, her fellow Forceful shook his head and leaned his forehead against his flesh hand, clearly not in a joking mood. She rapidly regained her sensitive demeanor, "Obi-Wan and basic emotion aren't on speaking terms most rotations, let alone Obi-Wan and advanced emotion. Try to give him time to-"
Anakin whipped towards her to frantically bellow, "If he wasn't confident in what he felt, he shouldn't have said anything! I keep telling myself I can handle this, that I can get my head above it, but I'm drowning. I'm drowning."
The stakes of this deteriorating conversation were irrefutable. Ahsoka knew if she couldn't assuage the disgraced Jedi, she would have to comm Obi-Wan. Since she would never be forgiven if she did, she tried to talk him down, "I meant he may be unsure how to express what he feels, not unsure of his feelings." The steady increase of tears leaking from cobalt eyes made her address the eight-hundred-pound monkey-lizard in the room, "I know you're on a downer, but don't let it consume you. Think of Leia and Luke. You don't want to be imprisoned in darkness again."
The consternation seemed to resonate, "You're right. I can't. I can't. I'll hurt my little ones like I hurt my wife."
"Wife?" When the outburst received no positive or negative validation, the stunned spacer nodded to herself, "Ultraviolet bombshell. I'll admit it, that one was an ultraviolet bombshell." Following a short recovery time, she reassembled her wits and relocated catlike eyes, "Please listen to me this once. Give yourself space. Give Obi-Wan space. Allow the pain a little relief and you two can figure this out together after the swelling has gone down."
"He's taking all the space he can get. He won't even look me in the face."
"That's so uncharacteristic of him. Something barvy is in the works."
"He's ashamed."
"He's not ashamed," she strongly assured and held up her hand in a stop gesture. "You know he would never have said those things if he didn't mean them."
"We kissed. He's ashamed he touched me."
"Oh, Force, no. No."
"That's why he won't look at me."
"No!" Ahsoka waved her flattened hands from side to side in a straight line, "No, that's not Obi-Wan. That is not Obi-Wan. He…he…I was trying not to say it outright, but he loves you and has as long as I've known you two. Geonosis is frozen if he didn't mean this or he's ashamed of what he said or did. I am telling you with the utmost certainty he is coping with something else."
"No offense, Snips, but you have no idea what you're talking about. He only thought he developed these feelings in the last few months because he certainly didn't have them five and a half years ago."
It simply slipped out, "You are so purblind."
His gloved hand covered his flesh one as they settled against his forehead and shielded his eyes from scrutiny, "You weren't frelling there! He tells me he loves me then leaves the house for eight hours, comes back, and goes straight to bed without even speaking to me! That's a black and white, cut and dried message. It says: I got caught up in some unfamiliar emotion I misidentified as love, but I now realize that's not what I felt and I'd like to take back what happened."
"You're doing that thing where you make supergiant assumptions, Anakin. You can't let your paranoia attribute motives to his actions or words." Her hands clasped together, "I am pleading on Obi-Wan's behalf: please give him a chance to explain himself. Do not jump the spring-gun and do something you'll regret before you talk to him about all this. Talk to him and get the truth."
"What if the truth is even worse than-"
"It isn't. He loves you. If you talk to him, he will make no bones about that, sure-fire."
"And if he's avoiding me because he doesn't love me…what then?"
"Then I endorse a foot up his ass for kissing you."
This time, Ahsoka's jest managed to draw a small laugh. However, there was no smile on Anakin's lips when his hands dropped to reveal his reddened face, "I can't do it. I can't look him in the eye and….if he rejects me again, I think my heart will give out before the conversation ends."
"That's why you need to give yourself space. I didn't mean you should go to him right this second. Just when you both are a little less raw, you need to talk. Until you're able to, do not make any major decisions or start any arguments. I repeat: do not make any major decisions or start any arguments. That's an order, Skyguy."
She easily caught the defiance on his face. I'm conversant with that gleam in your eye. "You're already planning something." His lack of answer gave an answer. "What were you planning to jaw him with?"
"I wasn't going to say anything."
Yeah, I know how your phraseology works. Her arms crossed, "What were you planning to do then?"
"Leave."
Her cognitive processes refused to digest this morsel of information. You would leave him after he told you he loves you? After he gives you what you've been waiting for for like a hundred and fifty years? Did the dark side scramble your brains? Disbelief was thick on her tongue, "Without saying anything. Do you have any idea what kind of devastation that would render?" Her voice lowered indignantly, "Or is that the name of the game?"
The reply was almost inaudible, "I think he'd be grateful. Less drama, less pressure, less-"
Tact was no longer a concern, "You're out of your fucking mind. If you left, especially without saying anything… well, if I didn't know Obi-Wan would search high heaven for you, I'd say he'd end up in a straitjacket." She gripped her headdress in frustration, "Do not make any major decisions or start any arguments. Listen to me, Force-dammit."
"He doesn't want me."
"Yes, he does. Come on, Skyguy, don't drop the grav-ball in the final play." The back of her grey-gloved hand rubbed over her forehead in frustration. If he was going to hunker down and block out what she had to say, she would break through his defenses. Time to tackle this bosh like a Thrasher. "What were you planning to do with Luke? Leave him with Owen Lars?"
The hostile spark in his eye could be seen from the Deep Core, "He would be coming with me."
End zone. "Do you not even care how much Obi-Wan loves that kid?" Anakin's shocked reaction made her snort, "If shaking your head and blinking your eyes ultra-fast like that is you trying to say Obi-Wan doesn't love Luke, I'm going to come to Tatooine to kick you in the prosthetic shins." One of her hands lifted in front of her face and snapped multiple times as though trying to awaken him from a daze, "Obi-Wan loves Luke because he loves you! He loves any part of you including your children. Have you completely repressed why we found you? And now you think it's a good idea to leave and take everything he's ever loved?"
"You're mixing facts with non-facts."
"Do you have some self-defeating mantra looping in your head?" The Shilian titled her head back with a hefty sigh. You are where subtlety goes to die. "Do you love Obi-Wan?" The wordless stare she received let her know she held his attention, "If something terrible is going on with him, if he's in as much pain as you are, would you ever be able to forgive yourself if you up and left? Did you ever think maybe, just maybe, he's scared and confused?"
"Haven't you considered I'm the reason he's scared, confused, and in pain?" His eyes rolled towards the ceiling in an effort to force back tears, "I'm the agent of terror and misery here. It'd be better if I left."
Ahsoka's hands slapped over her temples, "Why are you being so obdurate?"
"Because it would be better if I were gone."
"You are completely veering-"
"I think I should finish stringing the bedsheets around my neck and end my reign of terror and misery."
"That's not funny, An…" The rebuke fell out of her mouth when the words sunk in. Her hands helplessly clasped over her chest and her eyes puffed up with horror, "Did you say finish?"
Silence had never been so deafening.
"Don't you ever hurt yourself," the Togrutan demanded through a mouthful of marbles. She wasn't sure if she wanted to sob or bop her old master and her voice seemed to reflect the ambivalence, "Never defile your holy temple. It is the shelter for the divine light of your Living Force." The image of the crestfallen man on the other end of the comm-call caused prickling in the corners of her eyes, "I freaking mean it, Anakin. No matter how upset you become, about anything, at any point, I don't want you to consider s-self-harm as an option for even a second." She quietly cleared her throat and spoke more authoritatively, "That's not an option, okay?"
Anakin knew he couldn't tell her about the demon in his head, but he could take one cup deception, one cup morbid thoughts, one teaspoon his longing for Obi-Wan's energy and bake an explanation, "I wanted his energy so much and I knew he would never bond with me when he wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. I thought, you'll never feel his energy again; you're barren; you're barren. And the emptiness felt like it was tearing my bones out and I wanted to die."
I knew you two would become too dependent on each other's energy. Her fingers indicatively tapped against her chest, "If you feel barren, tell me, tell Obi-Wan, we will be barren with you. I know I'm not always there and that you and Obi-Wan are going through a blue funk, but you're never alone. I don't care what state any of our relationships with each other are in, this is something that transcends everything."
Anakin hated himself for the reflective pools in his old padawan's caring eyes. He had no idea why he told her about the actions he almost took a couple hours earlier. There was no reason for hitching her a ride on his long, strange journey to the bottom of existence. Rather than spill any more of his dark, dirty secrets, he allayed, "I was really upset; I wasn't thinking straight. It was mostly passing thoughts. I pulled the coverlet off the bed, but that's it. There were no further actions, only thoughts."
"You'll call me if you ever have thoughts like that again, won't you?"
"Yes."
"I can see you're in a great deal of pain, Master. If it gets too much to handle, go to Obi-Wan. I know you think he doesn't want to see you right now, but nothing matters more to him than your wellbeing. And if you really can't make yourself face him, bleep me. I will stay plugged in and talk to you for a week straight if you need me to." She tried to offer a smile but was sure it fell flat, "Get out of that room. Meditate, go see Luke; do anything other than what you're doing right now."
"I can't leave the room right now." He assumed a haunting grin, "So much resentment and bitterness is augmenting inside me. I'm dangerous."
"How were you planning to leave with Luke in this head space?"
The bizarre smile remained despite tumbling tears, "I don't know. There wasn't a working plan. I guess you're right: I have lost my mind. Ever since I returned to the light, I'm out of control. I can't make decisions anymore. I didn't plan anything; I was just going to go. How would I possibly plan something when all I do is cry? I cry like a helpless child about love, which is something I can't even participate in because it invites destruction. And then I can't not love because it invites destruction, too. I hate it. I hate being human. I hate being able to feel. I'm filled with so much hatred I could rip somebody's Sith-fucking throat out and have a good laugh about it."
What the frip is he talking about? Ahsoka determined further engagement was wise until she could find a straw to grasp onto. Step one, put your head on ice. Step two, sic Obi-Wan on your ass. She consciously tried to strip any emotion from her voice, "Tell me what you're thinking right now."
"I've chased Obi-Wan away with how crazy I am."
"Why do you think that?"
"He told me he loved me, then I swear he looked straight at my mouth and…I felt like I… I lost it. I have no control of myself."
Easier than expected. "Anakin, Obi-Wan is a very assertive person, as assertive as you but with manners. He would have told you to stop if he didn't want you to-"
"He did tell me to stop."
The mission was temporarily cast out of orbit. The only thing she could think of to have made Obi-Wan not kiss Anakin after finally getting the chance was the literal loss of a limb. She couldn't even come up with a preposterous, convoluted reason the Stewjonian was giving Anakin the runaround after the fact. None of the Jedi's behavior added up. I have no control of myself. Her brows raised. Perhaps they kissed and Anakin got too handsy. What if Obi-Wan asked Anakin to back off, but the disgraced Jedi hadn't? Could this be why the Stewjonian was in disarray? Her throat clearing was hardly audible through the comlink connection, "Did you?"
Anakin stared at her like she'd grown Kryat dragon fangs, "Of course."
Theory one buried. "What did he say after that?"
"He said the dark side influenced me to speak and act."
He wasn't sure of your autonomy! Her spirits lifted exponentially, as she was expecting something much worse to be going on. "Did you tell him that wasn't the case?"
"I told him I've loved him since I was a child and basically laid out a winding timeline. Then he left."
I see now. Multi-issue mess. Her psychotherapy interrogation couldn't have come out better if it had been scripted! Her toes wiggled in avid relief, "Don't you think it's possible he couldn't correlate what you were saying with what caused him to think the dark side was influencing you? Or maybe it's not even that complicated. Maybe he was just overwhelmed."
"Out of everything I've put him through..." Anakin snorted with an eyeroll. "Puberty, attempted murder… no, it was saying I love you that sent him over the edge."
"I'm fairly certain Obi-Wan is a human, so it's safe to say he went through puberty himself. That's something he can handle. And physical violence? It's spelled J-E-D-I. He will still maintain composure and act intuitively even if you try to kill him. But this? He obviously made peace with his feelings, but he wasn't actually prepared for yours, or some narrative where he was the object of your affection since childhood. Keep in mind he has basically no experience in romance and the slightest obstruction or surprise is going to freak him out. He's used to being in control as much as you are, you know."
"If he really loved me, my feelings wouldn't be such a mind-fucking problem for him."
Why do you have to be more difficult to handle than vibro mace? She carefully chose her words, "You said you'd die of a broken heart if he rejected you again. Why did you say that?" As expected, the other Forceful did not answer. We both know the answer. "When we brought you home, I asked him what would happen if it turned out your return was a hoax. Guess what he said? He said if he lost you again, it would kill him. Why do you think he said that?" We both know the answer, don't we? "Obi-Wan would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize his relationship with you. Give him a little time to stagger past whatever muck he's in and I bet my bottom credit he will come to you." She gave a reassuring smile, "Everything will work out."
The shake of his head was negligible. No, it won't. It never does.
::::
Despite the recurrent, frequent urges to flee, he stayed in the house and endured the emotions rising like lava in the volcano of his soul. At the very least, pondering the long-winded conversation between him and Ahsoka gave him a break from agonizing over Obi-Wan's evasiveness. He didn't invest much in what she said to him, but there was one suggestion he thought it best to heed: space. It took every dendrite, every axion, every muscle fiber, every electrochemical cell in his body to abstain from kindling any feuds or carrying out any life-altering conducts. He repeatedly told himself that he would keep his mouth shut until Obi-Wan was prepared to approach him. When that time came, he would face the tense situation like a mature adult.
However, when the Jedi sat a cup of grub-tea on the coffee table and softly submitted I made you some tea, it was obvious his maturity level was nowhere close to what it needed to be. Tea? Tea? This is your karking icebreaker?
"I don't want any," he snarled in that snotty tone he knew the older Forceful disliked.
Malachite eyes glued to the teacup, "I'll leave it on the table in case-"
"You know," he scooted to the edge of the couch cushion, "some people say what they mean and I am saying I don't stanging want any. I won't change my mind."
Obi-Wan felt the hurt and dander hurled at him. He thought his drink offering would be an innocuous olive branch, but it was clearly tone-deaf. Eight hours after the Love Scene, he'd gotten a glimpse of Anakin's face for only a few seconds as he entered through the front door. The tearstains and splotchy, red marks made him feel ashamed for how he acted. How could he have tormented the one he loved so brutally? I don't ever want to do that again. For the very same reason as the previous night, he retreated from the sitting room.
Though Anakin's serrated words were discouraging, he knew he must endure this delicate balancing act of allotting plenty of breathing room but seizing any opportunity to reconnect. The next morning, he decided to take another chance. He cooked Anakin's favorite breakfast meal- panna cakes smothered in poptree syrup and plain nuna sausages- but there was no sight or sound of the brunette until nighttime.
On the third rotation after the Love Scene, Anakin came in search of food around noon, sporting bags as dark as coal under his eyes. Obi-Wan patiently waited until his housemate re-emerged some hours later to calmly walk into the extra bedroom and sparsely spritz lavender oil on the insomniac's pillow. Rest well.
The following morning, the Stewjonian heard strained moans all the way from the sitting room. He sprinted to the back-bedroom and, against his better judgement, quietly cracked the door open. The source of his concern appeared to be wholly unconscious, moaning in discomfort. One of those nightmares. Obi-Wan opened the door all the way and tiptoed to the bed. He kneeled beside it and closed his eyes to seek a meditative state. Anakin's erratic energy was easily found and it reached out wildly for his. He gladly tied ribbons of their energies as tightly as he could. Even though he would prefer Anakin to be aware and reciprocating in their bond, he was still relieved to connect their energies, even if only for the two minutes it took to pacify his friend into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. He hastily left the room afterwards.
Although love was not a practice he had experience with, he knew he was doing this all wrong. Have I ever been more inadequate? Even though he tried to stay resilient in the face of this disaster, the infinite sadness and longing within his heart ripened with every rotation he failed to make things right between him and Anakin. Little by little, no matter how hard he tried to keep it together, he was decompensating.
:-:-:
"Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan? Hey, I need you to look at me."
Anakin frantically rolled them over and gently slapped a bristly cheek before jabbing his fingers against the Jedi's throat. His hand quickly moved under the man's nose. Crystalline droplets streamed from his eyes as he leaned close, "Wake up. I-I-please. Please, Obi-Wan."
:-:-:
He awoke in shrouding tears. No, no, no, no. He frantically shifted towards the side of the bed. He needed to check Obi-Wan's vitals! By the time he stood up, he recalled the dismal state of their relationship and anxiously sat back down on the bed. You're cracking up! You're losing it! Within seconds he was back on his feet, manically pacing. No, it was the start of a premonition. It was the same as Mom's, the same as Padmé's. His hands barely prevented a nosedive when he fell against the side of his desk. His body shook and his ragged breaths quickened. No, no, no, not my Obi-Wan. He harshly smacked the side of his head. Another time. And another time. "It was a nightmare. You're overwrought. It's only a nightmare. You're afraid of losing him."
Something from inside his visceral depths screamed back it wasn't a nightmare.
::::
His eyebrows knitted. Strange. He finished fastening his belt and one of his hands restlessly smoothed his freshly-washed hair back. I don't feel right. Harrowing flutters in his throat and heart told him he should go check on Anakin. No, you've been sneaking behind him far too much. You need to stop. It's gone from conciliatory to creepy. The earsplitting sound of his wrist comlink effectively ended his self-reprimand. It had been going off incessantly for the past two or three rotations, but he paid it no mind. The only person he wanted to talk to was two rooms away. Only about a minute after the device quieted, a scraping noise, like metal on wood, assaulted his ears. Before he could place the atrocious sound, a head popped through his window. His hand instinctively reached in the direction of his lightsaber but ceased in its endeavor when he realized the invading head belonged to Ahsoka Tano.
He testily put his hands on his hips, "What are you doing? How'd you get the window open? It was locked!"
"Oh, Noxion's stripes, it's not like I used to be a Jedi apprentice!" The little Forceful reached an arm into the room and pointed to his desktop, "Did your comlink knuckle under?"
"Are you the one that's been harassing me?"
Her boneless hand flapped with every word she emphasized, "After like, I don't know, the forty-fifth call, didn't you think that maybe somebody had something high-priority to tell you?"
"If it's so crucial, why didn't you comm Anakin?"
Somberness shaded her eyes and her hand drew back against the window seal, "Because it's about Anakin. Have you not noticed the engine's running without anybody behind the wheel?"
Obi-Wan's eyebrows creased, "What?"
"His broadband antenna isn't picking up any radio waves."
"I don't-"
"He's gone bonkers, bananas, crackers, nutty as an Ettel cake, stark raving-"
Obi-Wan crisply tilted his head forward, "I get it." He turned away to straighten up items on the built-in shelf in a bid to seem as normal as possible. She may be here to talk about Anakin, but that doesn't mean she necessarily knows what's going on. Maybe it's unrelated. With minimal hope, he adopted a nonchalant tone, "What are you talking about? What's going on?"
When he ran out of things to shuffle on the shelf, he turned, not expecting to find Ahsoka halfway through his window. Once she wedged and shimmied through, she made it to her feet and jumped straight to the point, "I flew FTL to get here after hours and hours of static stacked on static and I'm not even going to act like I give a rot about pretenses or etiquette. I know how you feel about Anakin, so why are you avoiding him like the Karatos plague after you finally told him you love him?"
Obi-Wan glowered, "With all due respect, what happens between Anakin and me is our business."
"Yes, it is, until he makes it my business as well."
"What has he told you?"
"Everything, but how about we start with him spouting out that he's filled with so much hatred that he could rip somebody's throat out and have a good laugh about it."
"Were his eyes recolored?"
"No, this was definitely Anakin talking. He told me he's dangerous and feels out of control ever since he returned to the light. I tried to comm you to tell you to check on him, but you ignored my beeps. Been doing quite a bit of ignoring lately, haven't you?"
"I'm going to ignore that cheap shot. Why didn't you go straight to his window?"
She exasperatedly groaned, "You and Anakin need to have a chat, Obi-Wan."
"I was trying to find a way to engage him without causing a fuss."
If Anakin's condition wasn't so dire, she would have laughed, "You know how he is. It doesn't matter how you approach this, he's going to raise hell, and shake some extraterrestrial planes if he's in the mood for it."
Obi-Wan crossed his arms and wandered across the room to sit down in the desk chair as though the weight of his next statement was too heavy to hold, "I've never caused him that much pain before. His eyes were swollen…"
The Shilian took a couple steps forward to stand in front of her glum friend, "The distance is hurting him more than anything."
"Candidly, in my core, I was hoping he would come to me when he wasn't so distraught."
If only you knew how twisted up he is because of all this step and jive. She knew she would have to convince Obi-Wan to be the mover and shaker without exposing Anakin's suicidal thoughts. If she brought them up, the Tatooinian would never come to her, or probably anybody, if similar thoughts beleaguered him again. She wagged her finger at the older Forceful, "You know him better than that. Getting him to back down is like trying to herd vro-cats."
"It's not the act of backing down that bothers him; it's the underlying principle that it makes him weak if he does."
She grinned elfinly, "This is why you should be psychoanalyzing him instead of me. You and him are so close, you know his motives off-hand."
He deadpanned, "Elementary psychology, Miss Tano. People who were slaves tend to grasp onto any amount of power they can. If the power they've managed to attain, no matter how picayune, is taken from them, they feel victimized and weak as they did when they were subjugated."
"Stop pretending like you don't know every molecule of his mind," the renounced Jedi curtly laughed. "Don't you think you should get the Greehu wheel turning, especially since you know he's never going to cave in?"
"Just this once, I wish he would come to me."
"I don't think it'll go down like that." Her index finger moved in little circles beside her temple, "He's lunching on the luna-weed right now."
"Stop that."
"What?"
"You know very well what."
"You two are no fun when you're estranged. Please, for the sake of my humor, talk to him."
Obi-Wan rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth, "He hasn't been sleeping the past few rotations. I think he finally crashed this morning. I don't want to wake him."
"Fine, but as soon as he wakes up, talk to him pronto. I'm afraid he might...do something very, very stupid if you don't."
He chose not to comment on her ominous insistence, "I don't know what I'm going to say."
"Try telling him you love him, for starters. He doesn't think you meant it or that you meant to kiss him. Oh, come on, Obi-Wan, there's no need to blush like that. There's one more thing, and I shouldn't really be telling you, but for some reason, he doesn't think you love his kids either."
He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and angle his flushed, confounded face towards the floor, "I will speak to him once he wakes up. Thank you for bending the throttle to get here."
"Something had to give."
::::
The extra bedroom door closed, which meant it was the time of reckoning. He was going to undress his soul and he had no idea how Anakin would react. Despite Ahsoka's reassurance, he knew better than anyone how unpredictable his best friend was. Though there was no way to tell how events would unfold, it didn't matter. All that mattered was he couldn't hide behind fear anymore. I don't care what's happened between us or what I have to sacrifice, I will not let you continue to wallow in pain. I will do what I must to take care of you.
Anakin walked through the sitting room to the kitchen. There were indistinct rustles and squeaks from the hinges of the cabinets, indicating a search for food. Soon enough, the younger Forceful placed a bowl on the kitchen table and sat down. It's now or never. He took a cavernous breath, squared his shoulders, and made his way to the chair directly beside his housemate. Anakin side-glanced him inquisitively but seemed to lose interest after the second bite of barkmeal. What do I say? Another bite was taken. Try telling him you love him. His stomach knotted when he nervously, gingerly, declared, "I love you."
The Tatooinian's mechno-hand froze with a spoonful of food in midair.
His tired, desperate eyes pled as much as his words, "I know this…I know I'm to blame for the last few rotations, but I can't take much more of this torture."
The spoon slowly lowered to the bowl, "You should have thought of that before you opened your myopic mouth."
"I got caught up-"
The legs of Anakin's chair screeched against the flextile when he pushed away from the table, "I figured as much. It takes a decade of pleading and threatening to get you to admit you hold some form of attachment to me. I knew you were talking out of your ass when you said-"
"No, I wasn't," Obi-Wan frantically scooted his chair towards his combative comrade. "I don't mean I got caught up in some foreign emotion I didn't understand. I mean all I could think about was you jetting away from me to involve yourself in some Sith death match. I couldn't handle the thought of…of losing you." He reached a hand forwards to establish physical contact but feared scaring the brunette off and quickly grabbed the edge of the oka-wood table instead. "I told you that. I told you I couldn't lose you again." I will lay myself bare for you. "I didn't know how to tell you at the time, so I said the only words I knew, that I love you, but I'm telling you now because I need you to know: you are the light of my life."
"That's why you walked out on me, too, right? Because I am so damn vital to you?"
Even though a part of him expected the barbed words, it still stung to be pricked by them. What he hadn't expected was the inclination he would feel to fight. He threw caution to the wind and grabbed the other man's hand, "You are vital to me. You are as vital as the oxygen in my blood."
Anakin yanked his hand out of reach and spoke at an elevated volume, "Why can't you admit you regret what happened?"
The blonde slid out of his chair to bend one knee to the floor beside a bare cybernetic foot. His hand settled on a prosthetic knee and his gaze hooked with impudent sky-blue eyes, "The only thing I regret is leaving. I shouldn't have walked out like that."
"Then why did you?"
He maintained eye contact to convey how serious he was, "In less than five minutes, you destroyed my perception of reality. It felt like everything I'd ever known about our relationship was a lie. It was a lie."
Anakin irately slapped the battle-worn hand from his knee and gripped the sides of the seat of his chair to lean forward, "I am so franging sorry we can't all be so Force-damn honest like you, Obi-Wan! Oh wait, you lied to me too, didn't you?"
The Jedi's hand encircled a mechanical ankle, "I'm not trying to assign blame for the last twenty years between us, Anakin. I'm trying to explain why I…I was in shock. I left the house because I needed to process our feelings and decisions, how they affected our lives. I panicked."
The laughing scoff given was offset by dripping tears, "You were panicking for four motherfucking rotations? You are full of mendacious shit!"
"I'm being honest," his head shook and his unoccupied hand reached up to wipe a tear-soaked cheek.
However, Anakin again smacked his hand, this time before it could make contact, "If that's your honest answer, then fuck you!"
"Are you serious? I-"
"I was ready to take Luke and leave because you acted like you were ashamed by what happened between us!"
He doesn't think you meant it. The warnings from earlier that morning ingeminated in Obi-Wan's head like broken holomessages and he knew they must be refuted, discredited, and laid to waste. The hand that had been whacked in mid-air curled around the closest cybernetic calf, "I am not ashamed, could never be ashamed, of touching or loving you. It's nothing like that. I have a hard time… communicating what I feel. I spent thirty-four years in expressive suppression because that's how I was trained and fostered. I didn't…I never questioned my upbringing or allowed myself to examine my natural emotions until after a decade of friendship with you." His hand slid to the front of Anakin's leg, coming to rest on the mechno-knee his other hand had been swatted from, "I know you probably want a more attractive explanation, but there isn't one. I hit the ceiling and I didn't know how to get my feet back on the floor. I…I don't know what I'm doing. But don't ever mistake my ignorance for shame."
The lack of response was more painful than any spur his old padawan could have concocted, but he knew if he backed down now, the fight was lost. Everything's lost. He cut open his chest to access the only weapon of war he was willing to use, "I didn't mean to hurt you. And I don't know how to take it back. Tell me…tell me what I need to do to earn your forgiveness and convince you to give this, us, a shot."
"There's no us and there never will be."
This resistance only animated his warrior spirit, "If I could go back, I wouldn't have walked out, but I can't go back, so I need you to tell me what you want me to do."
"Drop it. I want you to drop it," the younger Force-wielder again pushed the hand on his knee away and scooted his chair back further, disconnecting his ankle from the Stewjonian's gentle arrest. "Forget everything I said to you and forget everything that happened between us."
The more you retreat, the more I will advance. "I could have a prefrontal leukotomy and I'd still never forget the feel of your skin on mine." He used the one foot he had on the ground to slowly inch himself forward, "I don't want to forget. I need... tell me what I need to do for you to forgive my foolishness."
Anakin broke their eye contact, "A relationship between us would be worthless. It could never outweigh the potency of darkness."
The viperish denunciation was like a knife to the chest, but there's always wounds in war. "It doesn't much matter at this point whether it could or not. This has gone too far. I feel too strongly about you and you feel too strongly for me. Even if we don't act on it, we already are and will remain susceptible to the dark side."
"We can't do this."
"Why not?"
"I've already told you why."
"When have you ever lived your life in fear of the dark side?"
The fact his excuses weren't working ignited the wick to Anakin's wrath, "Four rotations ago, you rejected this. You rejected me. You've been rejecting me for the past four rotations!"
Without intention, Obi-Wan again clutched the other man's knee, "I told you-"
Flesh fingers harshly encircled his wrist, "So, what? You explain yourself so I forgive you?"
"I didn't say that. I asked you what I need to do for your forgiveness and I'm asking again. Name it. I'll do it."
Anakin released Obi-Wan's arm and leaned as far back in his chair as he could, "I don't want a kriffing thing from you. Go back to acting like I don't exist and stop bothering me."
No, there can be no retreat. Obi-Wan slid across the kitchen floor in a flash. He ended up on his knees directly in front of Anakin with his hands firmly gripping either side of the seat of the man's chair, "I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away because you're afraid I'm going to hurt and abandon you again. You need reassurance and I want to give it to you. What do you want me to do?"
Anakin leaned forward to tower over the Stewjonian, "Now you suddenly want to play the role of the White Jedi Knight? Where have you been for the last four rotations?" He scooted the chair back until it slammed against the kitchen countertop, creating enough distance that he was able to rise to his feet. His voice dropped an octave, "Thirteen Force-damn words about fucking tea! That's it! That's the only thing you've fucking said to me! And even then, you still wouldn't fucking look me in the face!" His tone became more frantic as the Jedi stood from the ground, "You can't fucking look me in the face? That's not fucking good enough, Obi-Wan! Eighteen fucking years between us says that's not fucking good enough! You've been fucking with my head for four rotations and I fucking deserve better than that!"
The return-fire came out angrier than intended, "Please forgive me for my inexperience at love and relationships; I'm not particularly sure how I'm supposed to act or feel!"
The fallen Jedi's face was still contorted in fury when he tried to take his leave.
Obi-Wan didn't allow more than a few steps before he gripped Anakin's mechno-wrist and encircled an arm around his friend's small waist. If you need me naked on this battlefield, that's what I'll be. "All I knew was I hurt you. I wanted to give you space and wait until you came to me, but I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to set things straight because you do deserve better than the past few rotations. You deserve to know I meant what I said to you. I love you. You are my soulmate. I still feel that way, at this very moment, and I will always feel that way."
Both of his arms enfolded around Anakin's waist. Immense joy filled him when the volatile Force-sensitive made no protest and gently gripped the sleeves over his biceps, "What's the real reason you're saying you don't want to try this? If it's because I tried to backtrack that night, I am sorry. I know I panicked isn't a savory justification, but it was like my life was a part of an alternate reality I had no idea existed. I felt powerless. I felt like my life happened without me even being there. As soon as the door closed, I knew I'd made a mistake. That's why I stayed out so long. I was trying to figure what to do to…to take it back. When I returned and saw how red your face was…I didn't want to cause you more pain.
"I didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling or thinking and I was afraid if I tried to explain everything, why I left, why I was panicked…I'm still not doing it right," he sighed as he stared into tear-brimmed cerulean eyes. "I'm still causing you to cry. But even if it entails you screaming fuck you in my face, we have to talk, Anakin. If there's anything I've realized in the last few rotations, it's that we have to talk openly to each other about this. About a lot of things." A sole tear slunk down a sun-kissed cheek and he was sure all the fight in him was gone, "I can't stand the separation between us anymore, especially when I know you're hurting."
After a couple minutes in impregnable stillness and silence, Anakin's mechno-hand curled around the side of Obi-Wan's neck and he tilted their foreheads together, though he didn't have the wherewithal to make eye contact, "You're my soulmate, too, amanica."
Obi-Wan wasn't sure if his heart had stopped or not and somehow it didn't matter one way or the other. Fights, pain, fear- it was all forgotten in that moment. I just want to kiss you. He instinctively drew closer to Anakin, but a leather-gloved index finger pressed against his lips. He froze, reading the message loud and clear. The Tatooinian lowered his finger and closed his eyes, "There's evil inside of me, more consuming with every moment. I will never let myself harm you. Never. Since I destroy everything I touch, I should touch nothing."
"So, all this is about Senator Amidala."
Anakin threw all his weight backwards to disconnect their embrace. He tried to walk around the other side of the table, but Obi-Wan grabbed his flesh hand and refused to let go even when he dragged the Jedi a couple feet in an attempt to get loose.
Obi-Wan's battle instinct reawakened, "Don't, don't… We can talk about something else, anything else… I can't go another night without hearing your voice." This emotionally bald admittance seemed to break through the mounting emotions. Though there were no other signs of surrender, Anakin stopped tugging him through the kitchen. "Talk to me about something else."
So much time passed he wasn't sure he'd get a response. He was somewhat surprised by the quiet query, "Why did you tell me to stop?"
"Your eyes recolored. I wasn't going to let you kiss me and touch me with even the slightest possibility that the dark side was coercing you to do it."
"I wanted to kiss you. I can't help it if my emotions and energy get out of whack when your tongue is in my mouth."
He felt heat build in his cheeks, "I-I'm sorry. I should have realized how upset-"
"If I get to kiss you, I don't care if you put a lightsaber through my pancreas."
The heat spread to his ears, "I'd kiss you often if you permitted it."
"No."
"You're saying-"
"I'm saying no," Anakin let go of his hand and took a few steps back. "We can't do this."
"Anakin-"
"Stop, Obi-Wan. I'm done explaining myself."
Anakin made it all the way into the sitting room this time before Obi-Wan got ahold of him. The jade-eyed Forceful swooped in from the side to twist a hand into the black tunic over his abdomen, meld a hand against the side of his neck, and puzzle their lips together. Despite the urgency, the kiss was gentle. It wasn't anything like the demanding, desperate kisses they shared rotations before. It was a tender request for affection, a delicate reminder that the need between them was more potent than any pain or fear.
When their mouths parted, Obi-Wan softly demanded, "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to be with me."
Anakin's head was still reeling, but he tried to rise to the challenge. He peered into pleading eyes then soundlessly declared, "I don't want to be with you."
He knew his gaze ended up on the bottom of the blonde's eye sockets right as he said it.
Obi-Wan knew it, too.
"Look me in the eye."
He again tried to comply with the demand, but this time, he couldn't establish eye contact for even a second.
Obi-Wan had never been so happy to see his dear friend in defeat. His hands flattened under Anakin's jaws and their lips interlocked. Heavy chests, contracting muscles, the intimacy of their lips touching, of their breaths in each other's mouths, of their tongues slowly caressing.
He's vulnerable. Now's your chance, you coward. Anakin broke their lip lock and stepped out of reach. He wiped the other man's saliva from his lips and shook his head, "We can't."
He made a mad dash for his room. It wasn't a nightmare. I'm going to hurt you like I hurt Padmé.
::::
He furiously chopped away at the Ojomian onion and tried to dissect the past six hours. Where did he go wrong? There was a second when he was sure he'd convinced Anakin to forgive him and to give a relationship between them a go. He pulled every maneuver he could think of: honesty, bargaining, insistence, making it clear how much he cared. He knew what happened to Senator Amidala was the deep-seated issue, but what could he do to confront that? He would never be able to erase the past. There has to be something else I can do.
He couldn't afford any more mistakes and he didn't have any more time to waste. I was ready to take Luke and leave. He almost lost everything because of his inaction and if he didn't find a way to set things right, who was to say their strained relationship wouldn't work Anakin up to the point of leaving again? If he'd known Anakin was about to hurry away with Luke, he would have never hung back like he did. He thought he was doing the considerate thing; he didn't want to poke and prod too much after what he'd done. Now he could see he should have gone straight back through that door, taken Anakin into his arms, and talked, even if it resulted in a screaming match and tears. Unfortunately, hindsight wasn't very useful and he still wasn't sure what to do to convince his soulmate they belonged together. To convince you I'd follow you to the ends of the cosmos if you left me.
Without warning, two mismatched arms shot out from behind him to box him in against the kitchen counter. The knife in his hand froze. Concern grew when Anakin's head nestled between his shoulders, at the base of his neck. He placed the knife on the cutting board and rotated his head to the side, trying to discern his housemate's disposition. As he opened his mouth to launch an investigation, his would-be interrogee spoke.
"It speaks to me."
His eyebrows furrowed, "What speaks to you?"
"The dark side of the Force."
He gripped Anakin's wrists, "Right now? In what way?"
"No, not right now. I hear it randomly. It's almost like inner dialogue."
"How long has this been going on?"
"I first heard it within hours after returning to the light. The first time."
"Why have you decided to tell me this now?"
"You laid your heart and soul at my mercy. The least I can do is tell you the truth."
Obi-Wan fastened their fingers together, "What does it say to you?"
"It shames me. Reminds me of the carnages I've committed." Heavy breaths seeped through the back of his shirt and fused against his skin, "Taunts me how I killed my wife and I'll kill you, too."
He turned within Anakin's arms and hurriedly bundled the perturbed man into a tight embrace, "That's not going to happen." He kissed a dark eyebrow, "Forgive me, love. You wouldn't be in such a shape if I hadn't shut you out like I did."
"With everything I've done in the eighteen years between us, you owe me nothing."
"My life would have been hollow had you never been a part of it. I owe you everything."
"No relationship with you could ever be worthless. I'm sorry I-"
"No, you don't need to apologize for being upset. I walked out on you when you needed me. You had a right to be upset. But no matter how angry we are or perceive each other to be, we can talk to one another. That's something we have to remember, something we have to abide by."
"Are we even capable of being honest with one another anymore?"
"I can honestly say I love you and Luke. I love both of the twins." A soft hand cradled the side of Anakin's head, "I love you and separation between you and me is limbo."
The younger Forceful admiringly grinned. How did you get so shrewd, Ahsoka? After such a stupendous declaration, he couldn't resist pushing his luck, "We can start meditating together again, can't we?"
Obi-Wan immediately turned to lead them across the sitting room and sat down on the couch with the brunette curling against his side. Anakin's head rested on his shoulder and cybernetic legs bridged over his lap. An arm stretched across his chest and a cybernetic hand hooked over the opposite shoulder. He made no objections as their bodies tangled, knowing Anakin needed the closeness. I need the closeness. He cradled an arm around the slighter man's back and weaved his other hand into tangled curls. Once they were settled, his voice came out in mellifluous tides, "The Force is around us."
Their joint meditation stretched on for nearly two hours. By the time they came back to reality, Anakin's hand was entrenched in a tan tunic and a trance-inducing heartbeat was under his ear. He knew he didn't deserve this incredible heart but hoped that with time, he would. He was drunk on his best friend's pulse when he slurred, "I can't promise anything."
Obi-Wan also felt euphoric and buzzed off of their meditation, but as soon as he was given the seal of approval for a romantic relationship between them, he was as sober as could be. His hand burrowed deeper into honey hair, "I don't expect you to."
"There will be rotations you'll want out."
"Are you forgetting who you're talking to?"
Anakin's voice shriveled to a wounded whisper, "Don't walk out on me again."
"I swear by the Force I'll never do that again." Obi-Wan's lips turned against a bronze cheekbone, "Never, never, never."
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The Faithful and Ferocious