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The Faithful and Ferocious	By : HatefulWitch Category: Star Wars (All) > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3334 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, characters, or creation of Star Wars, nor do I make any money off of it.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Nothing of note had taken place. Anakin woke up on pins and needles so severe they spent the majority of the rotation meditating together. When evening arrived, they threw together a bland supper and ate it unhurriedly. Conversation was exceedingly limited and ended with Obi-Wan insisting You need a good night's rest. They slept soundly in their separate beds when it happened. He didn't know why the darkness came biting at his heels again, today out of any other day. It could have been the separation from his children. It could have been the inability to temper his fitful energy. It could have been the heart-gnawing distance growing between him and Obi-Wan. Whatever the reason, Anakin suffered a grisly, revolting nightmare. It was the strain of nightmare he hadn't suffered in many moons. One that generated physical distress.
His flesh blistered from the heat of the fiery pit and skinless bodies gamboled over each other into the flames before his eyes. His arms were cut from his body. Blood spewed like geysers and gory strokes painted black sand as he tumbled, tumbled, tumbled towards the inferno…
The mind-bending pain upon his awakening was foreign. No longer accustomed to the excruciating pressure steamrolling against his every nerve, he mightily bit back the cries of agonized discomfort threatening to spill from his lips. He held true even as the pressure pointedly agitated over his ribs, spine, and chest. But when the skin over his ribcage ruptured and cleaved open a near bone-deep fissure, he couldn't hold back his thunderous shriek.
Before another fissure hewed into his skin, his alarmed housemate unceremoniously busted through his bedroom door. He lay shirtless and shivering in sweat, with his hands closely hovering over his midsection but not making contact. Obi-Wan zeroed in on the imbrued, gaping gash and all inquiries were withheld as he leapt into immediate action. He plucked a newly washed tunic from the storage closet as he dashed across the room and leaned over the side of the bed to compress it over the sizable wound. By this time, the pressure was increasing against Anakin's lower spine and he was sure it was going to cause more damage. Despite the incandescent red rimming his teary cerulean irises, Obi-Wan was able to decipher every thought and fear his anguished eyes were trying to convey.
The Jedi cautiously placed his free hand over the afflicted man's forehead, "Close your eyes." Once the instruction was followed he steadily recited, "Let the light which shines from within, flow forth and never hide. Light within the soul, flower and let us whole. Let the light ever present and ever radiant, heal all existent ache." He interrupted himself on the third run-through, "Say it with me, Anakin."
They repeated the incantation in unison. After a few more times of chanting these Force-entreating words, the extensive pain encompassing Anakin's body significantly subsided and he thankfully did not endure any more dermal ruptures. Ragged breaths rushed through his chapped lips and his throat felt drier than the Desert of Simoom. His skin and hair were laminated in sweat and the crimson rings around his irises faded, though the whites of his eyes were now bloodshot. Wettened, bleary eyelids flapped like wings of a frightened bird as he croaked, "Obi-Wan?"
"I'm here," the concerned Forceful reassured softly. He affectionately pushed soaked strands of hair off Anakin's forehead, "This is what you were trying to tell me before, wasn't it?"
"The-the…this pressure," the disoriented Force-sensitive gutturally mumbled, his eyelids now heavy with the calming touch on him, "builds up. Then my skin…splits…I don't know why. Punishment, probably."
The Stewjonian could only focus on the second to last word spoken, "Punishment for what?"
The offhand, miserable smile seemed out of place, "For all the torment and death I've caused in… in this lifetime. I deserve it. I deserve nothing but pain. If breathing is anything less than…than punishment for me, I shouldn't breathe."
The sorrow that settled in Obi-Wan's heart stole any reply. Instead, he removed the soiled tunic and haphazardly tossed it to the ground behind him. His hand poised above the bloody wound and all his attention centralized on healing the deep laceration, "Force, be about…restore… heal tissue…mend flesh…beyond all pain…renew..."
A blue-white glow illuminated the dimly lit room when the concentrated energy passed from his hand through the open space to Anakin's torso. Tissue, muscle, and flesh sluggishly stitched itself back together as the gleaming energy fused into the open fissure. He found his voice when the only irregularity remaining was dollops of blood where the wound had been, "You know what my punishment is?" This query only earned a timid glance. "Witnessing you suffer like this."
He didn't intend to say anything else as he stood to find a change of bedclothes and something to clean the leftover blood from Anakin's skin, but clammy fingers gingerly arrested his. He turned back towards the bed, rotating his hand to puzzle their fingers together, and gripped the coarseweave sheets with his opposite hand.
"What could you possibly be punished for?"
He kneeled down beside the low-standing bed and rested his elbows on its edge, "For cheating you." The thunderstruck stare he received prompted him to rub featherlight circles into the brunette's palm with his thumb, "I set you up for failure from the moment you came to the Temple. I was too lenient and didn't provide enough direction to you. It made you susceptible to peril. Everything you've done, everything you suffer, I share in the accountability."
"No, you don't," Anakin breathlessly laughed. "The decisions I've made and the suffering I face in turn are…are my albatrosses, no one else's, especially not yours."
"After I left you on that bank, there were a thousand conversations we'd had that went through my mind. Countless times when I said something hurtful or gave you the wrong advice or walked away without saying anything at all."
"I wasn't exactly a piece of sweetcake, Obi-Wan. Neither one of us can pretend I was easy to talk to. You did the best you could and…I know that. I could have…have never been anyone else's padawan. Only you had the brass to take me on. You know that," the Tatooinian laboriously insisted.
"Just because you were a holy terror doesn't mean I did you justice. If I did, you would have comprehended it's not that you weren't allowed to have emotions or feelings, it's what you chose to do with them that mattered."
The declaration was met with a bitter bite, "You made it very clear Jedi and attachment don't coalesce."
"Yet you chose to have a relationship with Senator Amidala. You fathered children. You are as close to Ahsoka as a brother." And you're scolding him for something you too are guilty of. Stop taking the easy way out. It was a split decision. The scolding was used as a transition to confess a secret that had been eating away at Obi-Wan like a cancer for nine years, "Perhaps if I was truly absent of attachments, I could have accurately impressed the significance of the matter upon you."
"Truly been absent of attachments?" The incredulous statement preceded a lightning strike epiphany. No. Resentment caked Anakin's bones like sludge and his voice crawled out in snappish rasps, "You are saying…you're saying you weren't? Is that what you're saying? Attachment to who? To who? Tell me who." The speculation slipped out without much consideration, "To Satine Kryze?"
"At one time-"
He tempestuously interrupted, "You told me you-you harbored feelings for her. So, when you said harbored feelings, you meant…it wasn't some petty crush…you meant you were in love with her?"
"At one time I-"
His voice cut in with thick animosity and accusation, "You lied to me. You told me you only understood to a small degree, you said you… harbored feelings. You made it sound like it was casual or cursory or meaningless. You didn't say you were attached and…in love with her, that you could…completely understand what I was going through."
"I didn't want you to make choices based on ones I had made. I-"
"So, you thought telling me how to-to act…instead of telling me how fucking normal what I felt was was better? I felt like…a failure. I felt like a disappointment, an embarrassment, to you, to the Council, the Order, to the light side of the Force," Anakin weakly tried to free his hand.
"I never meant for you to feel that way." The Jedi Master felt his next words were necessary for clarity, "I didn't leave the Order for Satine, but I would have if she had asked me to. That was only because-"
Anakin was unable to handle the enviousness meandering through the ventricles of his heart, "I married Padmé."
"What?"
Satisfied with the shocked mien, unnerved eyes, and loosened grip the admittance brought, he continued, "We were husband and wife when we conceived the twins."
The shock was visible, "But-but-you-you were still-"
"That's right. I remained a Jedi after we got married. Now I know how much you kept from me…I don't feel guilty I kept it from you."
Both of Obi-Wan's hands cocooned around the younger man's flesh one as he sat on the side of the bed. He managed to regain enough of his composure to softly speak, "Even if what I've told you tonight has diminished your trust in me, I will everlastingly trust in you. That's why if you stop interrupting me I can tell you that at one time I thought Satine was my only attachment. She wasn't."
Anakin only gave an offended glance before focusing on the far wall. However, tender fingertips led his face back around by the jaw and he was awarded with a surprise as soon as his eyes found Obi-Wan's, "You are very precious to me and always have been. You can't fathom how vitally attached I am to you."
With two short sentences, any fury and jealousy were swept away. His heart felt like it was jumping and he was consumed by a soul-numbing elation he'd never known. He waited two decades to hear those words and didn't have to think twice before avidly proclaiming, "I'm attached to you, too."
The long-repressed declaration of love recklessly teetered on the tip of his tongue. It would be so easy to take the leap to the next, close-by step and admit to the permanent occupation Obi-Wan had in his mind and heart. But as he opened his mouth, he swallowed the words on his tongue. You are my brother. There was no doubt this attachment was familial given the claims Obi-Wan made over the years. Although the declaration of love would always be caught between his teeth, the sweetly-worded admittance to their brotherly bond was enough. I'm not just your responsibility; you truly care about me.
Obi-Wan gently smiled, "I know." He waved his hand towards Anakin's ribcage, "Let's get this blood cleared away."
::::
Anakin couldn't stop milling around the hard-line orbit he'd managed to get himself sucked into. He couldn't tell if time was elapsing faster than it used to or if his mind was cycling faster than it normally did. Whether his eyes were open or closed, whether he was alone or with Obi-Wan, racing thoughts scattered around his brain until his defenses were exhausted. It wasn't bodily ramifications that concerned him. It was the crucifixion of his anima that invited crippling fear into his already manic head space. The more he tried to combat the malignancy seeping from the lobes of his brain, the more hysterical his thoughts became. He refused to sleep and welcome another nightmare that played out his most gruesome ideations. Staying awake made it feel like wooden stakes were being hammered into his heart and brain, but the horror that came to him while he slumbered hammered a stake into his soul. It drew him closer to darkness.
It was the third night without any sleep. The morning after the Attachment Affair, he plainly admitted to Obi-Wan he hadn't slept a wink. It wasn't so blatantly stated after the second night, but his sluggish movements and incoherent topics of conversation were clear indicators of another sleepless night. His slow movements, bloodshot eyes, constant yawns, and occasional nod-offs had Obi-Wan following him around the house by the third evening. It was a little after midnight when he was found face-first against the far wall in the extra bedroom, talking to himself.
This can't continue. Obi-Wan worriedly shook his head and made his way across the room to clasp his friend's shoulders. The brunette measurably flinched at the unexpected contact, almost knocking the back of his head into the blonde's face. Obi-Wan's reflexes were luckily not suffering from lack of sleep and he was able to crane his neck back to avoid collision. He carefully moved them a couple steps back and turned the sleep-deprived Tatooinian around by the shoulders, "Why don't you lay down?" When his suggestion went unacknowledged, he fretfully sighed, "You need to sleep."
One, two, three tears slithered down scarred cheeks and caused the same effect they always did. Obi-Wan desperately drew Anakin against his chest, "Let's go over to the bed and lay down."
Anakin attempted to explain his dilemma when their short embrace ended, "I keep trying-"
"I know, Anakin." Obi-Wan slowly led his housemate across the room and climbed onto the bed. He propped himself up on his elbow as he laid down and squeezed the mechanical hand in his, "I swear on all things good in this galaxy I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Come on." He lightly tugged on their connected hands, but the metal digits interlocked with his withdrew. His open invitation was ignored when Anakin rotated and stiffly laid on the outer edge of the bed, facing away from him. He couldn't suppress an eye roll before tugging the stubborn Forceful's back against his chest in a caring embrace. One of his arms slithered between his friend's waist and the bed as his opposite hand settled on a thin arm, directly above the elbow. Right when he thought Anakin seemed to settle in, an unexpected groan of discomfort put him on full alert, "What's wrong?"
"It's trying to ensnare me."
His hand weaved into honey curls to begin massaging the back of Anakin's head, "That's because you haven't been taking care of yourself. It senses you are weakened in this state. Rest. If that doesn't stop the darkness cold, we will take other measures."
Panic arose, "You'll leave me."
"I won't."
"As soon as I fall asleep-"
"I won't leave," his fingers momentarily stopped moving, "I will be right beside you when you wake up."
"I feel like it's tearing my soul out," the disgraced Jedi whimpered. "It's tearing and tearing and taking my arm and I'm bleeding. I need you to, Obi-Wan. I need you to. Stop my heart if it happens again."
"No," he leaned his forehead against the back of his friend's head.
"Promise this one thing."
"The only thing I will promise tonight is to lay in this bed with you." He resumed the massage against the brunette's scalp, "Sleep."
Anakin conked out quicker than expected. The need for sleep eclipsed the emotional chaos and Obi-Wan knew the latter would be eased once the former was achieved. Although he promised to stay in the bed through the night, he supposed he should scuttle back a few inches. Anakin was basically zombified from lack of sleep and he pulled the man into bed with him. It was an incredible abuse of trust, he determined. He decided to wait a couple more minutes to ensure a deep sleep took hold then he would untangle himself from their embrace and move over a bit. For now, he straightened his neck so his forehead was no longer touching the back of butterscotch brown locks. Even if it's wrong, I wish I could be this close to you every night. Rest well, my dear. He closed his eyes and started counting.
In his calm state, without intention, he could smell Bassel sea salt and oil. If I was given one opportunity to touch you the way I want to, I swear I'd satisfy you. His hand slapped harshly against the side of his head. How heartless am I? His dear friend was suffering and he was thinking of sex. He knew the thought only popped into his head because of how close he was to Anakin. How he could smell Anakin. How he was touching Anakin. That doesn't make it right! Or logical! His attraction was not returned. He was an older brotherly or fatherly figure since time immemorial and it would naturally be impossible for his old padawan to see him in any other light. Even if by some divine work of the cosmos their wholly platonic relationship could be overlooked, Anakin's sole relationship had been a heterosexual one. I don't exactly fit the profile of female. The only reason he'd been allowed the closeness they'd shared in the last few months was because of a five-year long dark side demolition and the loneliness that came with the death of a spouse. Besides, Anakin is so direct there's no way he wouldn't tell me if he felt something like that.
Despite his hunger for the rare creature in his arms, he wasn't going to throw respect and boundaries out the window. He gently detangled his hand from Anakin's hair and rested it against the base of the man's neck. Again, he closed his eyes and started counting. The thought came from the ether. You'd always come before me. His eyes snapped open and he gazed through the night at the back of Anakin's neck and protruding shoulder. I'd memorize every curve of you. I'd lick your hipbones and tease your elegant neck and kiss your lips until they were blood red. I'd sew a crown of kisses around every base module of your cybernetic attachments. Force, I'd make you moan.
He straightened his trapped arm and rolled flat on his back. His breaths were deep as he gradually scooted across the bed to slide his arm from underneath Anakin's waist. Once he was completely detached from the other man, he closed his eyes and scolded himself under his breath, "I can't do this." He couldn't let his emotions and hormones get in the way of morality and his duties to his best friend. He longingly looked over at Anakin and reached his hand out to brush his fingertips against a pointed shoulder blade. His whispering voice was riddled with defeat, "I'm sorry I'm weak in the flesh. I love you."
With his hand on Anakin's shoulder blade and an arm's length of distance between them, he finally fell asleep.
::::
Since the Sleepless Show, he truly gave a valiant effort to sleep regularly. A lack of sleep clearly left him more open to the dark side, but he'd still find himself tossing and turning for hours at a time each night, skirting around slumberland like it was after his children. His mind suffered from constant, breakneck-speed motion and his nights always started with the same damn thought. The darkness smiles at me. It was in his dreams, in his body, in his behavior, in the air, in the water, in the sand, in his bowls of cream of womprat soup. The darkness infected every facet of existence. It beckoned to him every morning, every evening. The only time he was given any relief was when he meditated with Obi-Wan, but as soon as their meditations ended, the infection would flare up again.
Being with Obi-Wan sans meditation had become painful. All he would be able to think about was how much he wanted his long-time friend, which in turn invited the temptation of the darkness. Padmé's face would stitch into the back of his eyelids and that poisonous voice would hiss into his ears So easily you bury the mother of your children. Then, as soon as a mental vigil would commence for his wife, he'd be reminded This is a common fate. The dark side would only reel him in if he acted on his feelings and the evil that would be reawakened inside him would take Obi-Wan like it took Padmé. He already killed one pure soul he loved; he couldn't bear to kill another.
He kicked his coverlet off for the fourth time that night.
"Why do I do this to myself?"
He rolled onto his side.
"Obi-Wan didn't love me even when I wasn't a complete waste of space."
His thoughts' constant law of motion didn't slow.
::::
The quarrel had only been going on about ten minutes and it was already about to bring the house down. It was heated right off the bat since the bone of contention involved one of them being placed on a blind collision course with Empire forces. It was unsurprisingly Anakin who was volunteering for the low-info mission and Obi-Wan was having none of it.
During routine surveillance of the amplitude modulation frequencies, Ahsoka intercepted a transmission from Mustafar. It appeared Empire Inquisitors were planning to abduct Force-sensitive younglings, but there wasn't much information beyond that. The mission would be shooting into the dark at best and while such a thing would have never been a concern in the past, Anakin was not the same person he once was. Though his condition managed to slightly improve since his and Obi-Wan's reunification, there was still no possible chance he could handle an environment where he wouldn't be able to retreat and may have to kill.
Anakin, as Obi-Wan put it, was trying to prove his worth by volunteering his services to Ahsoka, who astonishingly told him she would only give him the instructions for the assignment if Obi-Wan personally comm-ed her and approved. However, his worth was immeasurable to his best friend, who wasn't going to approve of him rushing headfirst into battle when he was still stricken with so much mental and physical malaise.
He stopped mid-pace on the far side of the sitting room and knotted his fingers in his hair, "You never want me to leave this house!"
The Jedi merely raised an eyebrow, "That's a bit dramatic."
"I can't stay here and pretend the galaxy's soul isn't in need of reclamation!"
Obi-Wan knew there was no argument that would make him comm up Ahsoka with his approval so he opted to play on the most prominent weakness he could to end the row. It was dirty, but he'd never liked real arguments between them, "Why can't you stay here and pretend you have children to raise?"
Anakin saw the manipulation from space, "Rot, will you leave my kids out of it for fucking once?"
"I'm sorry," the sarcastic apology, arched brow, and crossed arms made Obi-Wan all the more maddening, "but somebody has to think about them once in a while."
Radio silence at first. Then, a resounding crash reverberated through the house as a handheld navigation computer smashed to splinters against the wall behind Obi-Wan. It impacted less than a meter to his right, obviously aimed in his direction but purposely off the mark. After furiously chucking the navigation computer, Anakin pointed his forefinger at his friend, "Fuck you and the high horse you fragging rode in on, Obi-Wan." He didn't wait for a reply before stomping towards the small staircase leading to the landing.
Obi-Wan took three large strides across the sitting room to tighten his battle-worn fingers around a cybernetic wrist and use the momentum of the younger Forceful's movements to bring them face-to-face. With contrition apparent in his dulcet voice, he swiftly expressed, "I crossed the line. You know I don't say it often and unless I mean it, but I'm sorry. I got carried away."
"You and I both have fought in plenty of battles where we didn't have all the details beforehand. What's so different about this one?"
Emerald eyes wilted with vulnerability as a shaking hand tangled in honey curls, "I can't lose you again."
All was immediately forgiven. Anakin's arms slipped around his distraught friend's neck and midback, tugging their bodies close. Grateful to be permitted the consoling proximity, Obi-Wan encircled his unoccupied arm around his housemate's lower back.
"We can't stay hidden away forever," Anakin murmured against the sandy mane he nuzzled. When he received no response, he quietly continued, "I know you think I'm not well enough to do this, but I have to stand on my own. If I fail, it will be because of me and me alone, just as it was before. I can't be your responsibility anymore. I don't want that and you don't deserve it."
Obi-Wan only stood with his profile pressed against the taller man's neck. He logically knew both of them would return to the line of fire against the Empire- the Force was strong in their blood- but he wanted to put the call to arms off as long as he could. He wanted to play the buffer against all the things that were erosive to the little world they'd created in this house. Anakin was the sun his life orbited around and without his sun, his life was dim and drifting aimlessly like a lost satellite. He would go to any lengths to avoid losing the light of his life a second time. The only way he survived the past five years was by creating a bleak and meaningless wasteland, never having his numbness challenged; he could pretend the debilitating pain never existed. But Anakin was here in his grasp and he couldn't pretend he was numb anymore. He couldn't continue to pretend his reason for living didn't randomly reappear in Theed one morning.
How could he explain all these illogical emotions? For many years throughout his life, he suppressed or overlooked them. When he did open himself to the emotive unknown, he still never expressed himself to another person. If you have never experienced a feeling, evaluated it if you had experienced it, or related it to anyone when you comprehended what it was, how could you possibly intelligibly explain it? All he could do at the moment was hold on tightly to the man in his arms. The silence spoke volumes. Obi-Wan had never been clingy a day in his life and only through this clinginess was it made clear how truly frightened he was. If he was this convinced the low-info mission was a bad idea, then it most likely was.
Anakin lightly stroked a consoling hand over Obi-Wan's back and made a mental verdict against going on Ahsoka's mission. My body couldn't handle it right now anyway. Affection weaved into every scale of his voice, "There's only one other time I can think of you have ever been this quiet with me and that did not end well."
The bait was not taken and the lack of response caused him to become even more perturbed. He unfurled his arms and coercively created a tiny distance between them, gently framing Obi-Wan's face to elevate the entranced man's head. Brows were deeply knitted and eyes were set dead ahead. The tempest of emotion was prominent in the Jedi's contemplative, bewildered gaze and it took him only a matter of seconds to realize what was going on. "Talk to me," he delicately urged. "I don't care if you don't know the right words. It's only me, Obi-Wan. Say what you need to. You know nothing is too heavy for me."
Obi-Wan was unable to sustain their penetrating eye contact after such fond and accepting reassurances. How was he going to explain the terror, desperation, longing, greediness, protectiveness, connectedness, weakness, potency, and wholeness he felt towards and when with Anakin? What was the correct way to explain that what he felt for this man made him suffer palpitations and headaches? Were there other people able to explain these emotional and physical oddities with succinct, intelligible language?
Anakin's mechno-hand brushed away a stray lock of hair from Obi-Wan's forehead before framing bristly cheeks more firmly than before. The movement of flesh and leather on the Jedi's face seemed to rouse a reaction, causing his eyes to snap shut, but this disengaging action merely prompted further reassurances, "It's only me. Don't close your eyes. You don't have to hide anything. We don't have any limits here, not between us, remember?"
His eyes cracked open to meet the alluring oceanic orbs directly ahead. He wasn't sure if he was breathing or not, his heart pounded in his ears, and his legs felt like pulp. He didn't know when he realized the succinct, intelligible words he'd been looking for had been said a million times in his mind, but when the realization broke through the madness cavorting around his head, his body was ready to collapse.
"I love you."
The declaration was so soft, Anakin tried to convince himself he misheard. His hands frantically slid over the hinges of Obi-Wan's jaws and he lowly inquired, "What?" When the Stewjonian tried to step out of his grip, he followed the step, "No, no, don't turn away from me. Say it again, Obi-Wan."
"I said, I love you."
"How do you love me?" The careful inquiry received a death stare, but he did not relent, "We need to be comprehensively clear on what you mean when you say you love me." He closed the distance between them to continue cradling Obi-Wan's head as their bodies compressed together once again. Azure eyes burned hotly into malachite ones and their lips breathed the same air. "Tell me what you mean when you say you love me."
The warm breath on his lips and the strong fingers fanning over his cheekbones encouraged Obi-Wan to speak freely, "My soul was made for yours. I…I don't know any other way to say it."
With every second shocked sapphires unfalteringly burned into him, conflicting sensations of fire and ice raced up his legs and back. Without intending to, his vision flickered down to Anakin's lips and before he managed to look away, those lips surged forward and pressed against his.
Obi-Wan became senseless. Reality was lost and he floated through a weightless space, coherent thoughts now unavailable. The only truth he understood was Anakin's mouth on his. A brief respite allowed them both to take a hasty breath before Anakin tilted his head and reattached their lips. The innocent touch transformed into a hungry demand for intimacy in a matter of seconds. Their teeth clashed clumsily at some point and their tongues explored and tangled without restraint. It was frenzied, needy, imperfect, and neither of them would have had it any other way. Right as he lost composure and made an embarrassing noise to the tongue sliding over the roof of his mouth, it was over.
The fallen Jedi dislodged their mouths and bodies, taking frantic steps backwards. His mechno-arm extended to maintain distance between them and his other hand forcefully clutched the synthcloth shirt over his abdomen. Wildness and disbelief filled his eyes and colored his voice when he animatedly growled, "We can never do that again. Don't ever let me fucking touch you again."
"Anakin-"
"There is nothing but danger and destruction in this!"
At first, Obi-Wan wasn't going to say anything. He was going to make a safe retreat, collect himself, and let Anakin do the same. But as he turned to leave the room, he knew he could not leave things as they were. He never intended to confess his feelings and he didn't initiate their kiss; he too knew the dangers both deeds could present. However, he logically knew his silence and disregard would only enable paranoia and emotional agitation. That never ended well. He spun back towards his hysterical housemate, "I could never know what you've gone through and I'm not going to pretend I totally understand your ambivalence, but you should know I'm not asking for anything nor do I expect it. I never want any bad blood between us, so I assure you I will refrain from speaking so openly in the future."
He didn't wait for a response as he swiftly turned to make his way across the sitting room and trot up the few stairs to the landing. After a couple strides across it, he was roughly yanked around. Mismatched hands tightly grasped the loose sleeves over his biceps and his stomach plummeted at the sight of luminous, pinkish eyes.
Anakin gratingly spoke through clenched teeth, "I may be strong in the Force, but I'm not a mind-reader. When I wanted you to open up, I didn't know you were going to say those words to me. Did you think saying you love me, that your soul was made for mine, would have no repercussions?" Obi-Wan latched onto his forearms but made no effort to get loose, even when his intense, pinkened eyes began to mist over, "I love you. I've always loved you, but as long as you didn't love me, I could control myself."
"What do you-"
Lips melded against Obi-Wan's again. The grip on his sleeves was used to step them back and slam him against the front door. Anakin greedily licked his tongue as roaming hands slid down his arms to lace their fingers together. The lip lock only broke so kisses could be planted against his bewhiskered jawline, drawing another unintended, embarrassing noise from his throat. Anakin used their interlocked fingers to fixedly pin his hands on either side of his shoulders against the door. Again, the Tatooinian's mouth connected with his, this time suckling on his lower lip. In all his ecstasy, he knew this wasn't right, that he should put a stop to the whole situation, but all he could do was shake under the cold chills debilitating his body. He'd fought in wars and cut a Sith lord asunder, but he was no match for this man's lips.
Every plane of their bodies touched by this point. He became so overwhelmed, he couldn't hold his head up. Their lips disconnected as his head rested back against the hard surface of the door. Anakin's energy was on fire, instinctively spreading and melting into his. With his mouth skyward, his friend settled for alternating open and close-mouthed kisses against his neck. There was dissatisfaction in a matter of seconds though and a hand roughly yanked open the tops of his tunics. Heated kisses then turned to his collarbones as a straying hand mapped the expanse of his chest.
The leather-gloved hand in his, the leftover saliva chilling his skin, the lips on his clavicle, the fingertips caressing his nipple- it was sensory overload. It was enough passion and loss of control to snap him back to his senses. His unrestricted hand cupped under Anakin's chin in order to disengage the kiss-swollen lips from his collarbone. He was distraught to find crimson, gold, and blue-speckled eyes. He leaned their foreheads together, held tightly to the fingers meshed with his, and maintained the firm grip on Anakin's chin. He found direct eye contact and sternly spoke, "I want and need you to stop."
The reaction was without delay.
Anakin's alarmed eyes batted rapidly and he took hyperventilative breaths. He released Obi-Wan and scuttled back like he'd stepped into an Endless Wastes lava river, not stopping until he hit the wall and could go no further. He ended up against the side of the landing opposite from the door with both hands pressed beside his hips to the wall behind him. He continued to heave every breath as the yellow and red slowly waned from his eyes. After a few moments of recovery, he bowed his head in shame, "I'm..I'm..by the Force, I'm sorry. I-I…I know that's not sufficient."
Obi-Wan's heart pounded against his ribcage as he straightened out his clothing. It was clear something dark moved, the recolored eyes, the aggression, the possessive lust, but as soon as he instructed Anakin to back off, it was so. This was not the same person from the end of the Clone Wars. This person still lost control when confronted with emotional turmoil, but he could restrain himself with a little bit of help. Aside from that night in the Sea, this constantly proved true. Obi-Wan saw it on Naboo when they reunited, he saw it on the initial visit to the Larses' farm, and he'd seen it happen before him yet again.
It was no secret Anakin was mercurial and explosive, with the most famous case of his personality complications clocking in at the end of the War. During those darkest days, Obi-Wan refused to give up on his former padawan, not even after video proof indicated he should. Not until he was given no other choice in the rivers of Mustafar did he stop believing the fallen Jedi could be redeemed. Likewise, he wouldn't abandon his dearest friend now, especially with the promise he saw. "I told you to stop," he soundly excused, "you did."
Anakin's twisted locks fell over his eyes as his head angled even further forward, "Yeah, after sexually assaulting you."
"Gods of the black moon, I think I would have used more Force or fist than flagrantly opening my mouth to yours if I wasn't receptive. And I wouldn't have made that awful sound, of which we will never mention again beyond this conversation. I didn't tell you to stop because…" Obi-Wan took a calming breath to stop himself from further rambling, "I told you to stop because I knew you weren't yourself. If anything, I took advantage of you."
"You're wrong. I acted on instinct. I was more myself just now than I've been my entire life."
Obi-Wan attempted to paste a composed veneer back on as his arms crossed over his chest and his voice grew rigid, "The dark side was moving over you. Provoking you to say and do things." He abruptly cleared his throat and his eyes fell to the floor, though his voice remained unfaltering, "You do not desire or love me, at least not in this manner, and you never have."
Anakin used the back of his hand to swipe the hair on his forehead back, laughing disdainfully, "Because you're in my head, right?" His hand waved aimlessly towards the blonde as he stood upright, "Because you heard me curse the Force when I was afraid I lost you in the Kadavo system, right? You were in the apartment the night after you faked your death to hear me tell Padmé to get away from me, to hear me sob and sob because all I wanted was you? You saw me in the Meditation Garden when I broke down after you told me Jedi, told me you, couldn't love, right?" His hand waved outwards again and his voice dropped an octave, "You know how many jokes I made to cover up how much I wanted to strangle Satine Kryze when she got near you? Do you know how many times I masturbated in my bedroom while I was your padawan to the sound of your voice when you spoke on the phone in the common room? Do you have any idea how many times I agreed to meditate with you the last few months so I could feel your energy around me?"
He took another couple steps forward to shorten the distance between them. Obi-Wan's head was tipped downward like he was still staring at the floor, but his vision was undoubtedly intercepted by Anakin's frame. His arms remained tightly crossed as the younger man's hand continued to wave emphatically, "I'll let you in my head. I was in love with you by age ten."
This admission managed to break Obi-Wan's stoic façade. His head hitched up to expose slightly parted lips and astonished eyes. A million thoughts sprinted through his mind but none gained full coherency or reached his lips before the confessions continued, "Then at age eleven, you told me Jedi weren't permitted attachment. In the years after that I would mention Padmé to cover up my feelings, hoping you wouldn't notice. I even thought if I told myself I loved her enough times, I would stop loving you. I tried to eradicate the feelings I had for you. I fought it every minute of every rotation. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered to me was you and the only way I could stay with you was to be a Jedi. I thought I could figure out a loophole. I thought I could be a Jedi and be with you, too. I was convinced for years there had to be a way."
Anakin paused temporarily, licking his lips and inhaling deeply, "But by age nineteen, I still hadn't found a way around the Code and I still hadn't made any progress with you. I finally realized you would…" The volume of his voice dipped, "…you would never love me."
Obi-Wan tried to speak, but he only spoke louder, not wanting all the dreams and lies he stocked up for years to remain under lock and key, "It wasn't… I eventually grasped the importance of being a Jedi, of being a protector, a defender, a part of something greater than myself. It was reason to remain in the Order. At least, it should have been… In all honesty, I needed to stay close to you. That's why I never left no matter how much I wanted to." He bit his lip and reached his flesh hand forward, tracing his fingertips over Obi-Wan's cheek, "It's probably because of that selfishness I…ached for you. I wanted you to kiss me, to hold me. I wanted you to tell me you loved me and would do anything to be with me. But you didn't," his hand and eyes fell, "Padmé did."
He hastily swallowed and forced out what he had left to say before he lost the gall, "I wasn't being serious at first, when I started flirting with her. I was empty, feeling utterly rejected by you, feeling undesirable in every way. Then she reciprocated…it went from there. I came to…I loved Padmé, otherwise I wouldn't have married her, but…" He raked his fingers through his hair then held his hand outwards and raised his unguarded eyes, "…but I would have never looked at her if I could have had you."
"You don't," Obi-Wan's voice faltered when he finally found the ability to respond. His hand covered his eyes, "You can't mean that."
"Every word." The older Forceful took a step back then speedily turned to open the door, but Anakin verbally stalled him, "You said you love me. Did you mean it or-"
"It's clear neither of us are sure where we stand despite any past or current intent and emotions."
"I'll love you until the moons fall from the sky. Even though the only thing it brings me, and has ever brought me, is agony."
Obi-Wan closed the door behind him.
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The Faithful and Ferocious