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Second Chances	By : ZombieWithANoose Category: 1 through F > Drop Dead Fred Views: 3130 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We don't own Drop Dead Fred and are not making any profit/money off of this.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Authors' Notes:
zombierose3: Thank you for the reviews and favs on the previous chapter! I hope we're living up to expectations. I dedicate the teddy bear in this chapter in memory of poor Mr. Bear from an episode of The New Statesman with Rik Mayall, of which I don't think I'll ever recover from seeing. I had to put Mr. Bear in a better place. I had to. Now, I'm off to therapy.
DirtyAim: I'm just here to make sure these two loveable idiots eventually get it on. ;)
**Disclaimers: We don't own Drop Dead Fred, Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, The Twilight Zone, Disney, or even Jell-O. We are poor and without profit.
Chapter Nine
Cooties
In the quiet of the Other Otherworld, Damion had indeed been watching Lizzie and Fred, and already he did not like what he observed. Not only did the cronut figure out how to start up her powers, but Fred had held her when she turned emotional over her death, and even divulged one of the biggest secrets of his past. Two things Damion knew went against his very nature, or so he'd thought. Which meant only one thing in his mind: Drop Dead Fred was a bit too close to this human. Oh, she would not be an imaginary friend; somehow he'd see to that, and he'd make Fred twist for it.
Thanking himself for slinking away hours ago, Damion gave up his watch as soon as they had gone inside the house and turned his mind instead to his future designs.
"And so the plot thickens, my annoying canker sores," he whispered.
"What thickens?" asked Axel. "Are you making Jell-O? Because I just beat Bastion in a duel and I could go for a nice-"
"Shut up!" Damion blared. "We have a problem and I'm trying to think."
Axel scoffed. "Oh? What's that? Enzo? Cale's feet? The fact that there's really no Jell-O? Hint, hint."
"No," Damion hissed through clenched teeth. "Fred."
"Oh... Well, I don't see what the big deal is. So he wanted to save his old friend. We get another IF out of the deal in the end if she don't go too crazy!" He smiled, his optimism making Damion sick.
"If my problem were Fred's trip down memory lane with that cronut I'd be thrilled. This is much, much worse, you insipid troglodyte. Did you forget the ancient edict?"
"Oh, come on! You're still on about that? You don't really think that-"
Damion slammed his fist on a table that appeared just for him to break and moved at Axel, snagging him by the shirt. "Fred was able to use the shovel, you idiot! Did you not notice that little detail?!" Axel's eyes rounded and Damion released him with a shove.
"He... He used the shovel..." Axel stammered.
"Exactly."
"Oh bollocks! He gave Lizzie her powers, didn't he? He... Only we're suppose to do that. What does that mean?"
"Oh, you know what it means, you blubbered whale's behind." Damion paced, a palpable dark energy stirring around him. "When I offered that shovel to Fred, it was a test to see if I was right about him, and that bastard followed through. I knew he was lying, but I'm still in control... He's not as strong as us yet." He stopped, recalling how he'd overridden Fred's ability to switch back the shorts. "I still have time..."
Axel shook his head. "But that's... I mean, come on! It's Drop Dead Fred! He's not the type-"
"None of them are the type - I've made sure of it - and yet we still have this rule, don't we?" Damion's eyes lit with madness. "If the other worlds find out- If they- No! I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this before it gets out of hand."
"By all accounts, I think you're safe from it going any further."
"That's not good enough," Damion answered, looking back through his magical monocle goggles. "And you're going to help me. All of you are." He glared, watching his threats down in Minnesota planning games for Fred's charge.
I will not let Drop Dead Fred take what's mine.
"Get some sleep, Nat," said Mickey, pulling the covers up to her chin. "Maybe we'll have something special for breakfast when you get up? We can make your favorite together. French toast?"
"I'm not gonna be hungry," she said, quietly.
"I know, Sweetheart, but you've got to eat something. It's... gonna be hard for while, but it'll get better. I promise."
"I don't want it to get better! I want people to stop saying that! I miss her! Fred said-"
"That's enough about Fred! I don't want to hear about Drop Dead Fred. If he's telling you bad things, then forget him. Lizzie's not coming back and if I could I'd-" Mickey ran his hands over his face, shaking. He couldn't do this; he couldn't take his pain out on Natalie.
Inhaling sharp, he sat himself down on the bed, touching her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Natalie. This is hard for me, too. We both miss her. Just get some sleep for now and I'll see you in the morning. I love you, okay?" Leaning down, he hugged her tight and kissed her forehead.
"Leave the light on? Please?" she asked.
Smiling, Mickey said, "Sure, but just for tonight. Pleasant dreams, Sweetheart." Quietly, he turned from the room and shut the door, but as soon as he did, Natalie bolted upright in bed.
Her eyes burned from all the tears she'd cried today and she imagined she didn't have any left at this point. Maybe that meant she wouldn't ever cry again; she hoped so because she hated it. She hated it like she hated today and how bad everything hurt.
All evening her dad had tried to explain things to her, to help her 'have a healthy understanding of life and death.' He'd told her how sorry he was, and how unfair it was, but Natalie had barely listened to any of it. She'd just been angry. Why did Lizzie have to leave her, too? Why did any of it ever have to happen? She didn't care if that was 'life' as her dad said, or 'inescapable.' It was just unfair and it hurt. Why did everything she cared about leave her? Her mom, her pets, Lizzie... Was anything ever suppose to be the way she thought it was? Even Fred had let her down today; he'd lied to her about helping Lizzie... She bet one day he'd leave her, too.
Her tears resurged at that thought and she pulled her knees up to her chest. She wanted Lizzie back and she missed Fred, and even though she hated him for being like the rest, she wanted him here. She needed her best friend.
"Where are you? How come you haven't come back? Please don't leave me yet, too..." She sobbed harder against her knees.
"Okay," said Lizzie, "let's put the pink elephant, fluffy tiger, and the sock puppet on top of the dresser right over there. Yes, there! That's perfect! That way they can sing to Natalie while she has her tea. Now we need to move the table to the middle of the room and make three place settings- No, Fred, we cannot have tea on an upside-down table."
"Says who? I think it-"
Fred dropped the table and gasped, the emotions of his charge striking from nowhere and searing through him like a flame. He stumbled, finding the pull to go to her exceptionally strong as Lizzie rushed to his side and steadied him.
"Are you alright?" she asked, concern coloring her face.
"Yeah. Nat just really needs me," he said, eyes brimming a moment with the child's grief before he could get ahold of himself.
Studying his face, Lizzie smiled. "Okay, go get her. I'll be waiting right here for you and then we'll help her together. Promise."
Fred nodded. "'Kay. Try not to mess up my table while I'm gone." He smiled and after affectionately dabbing her cheek with a bit of snot, disappeared for Natalie. He rematerialized seconds later at her bedside, finding the girl sobbing into her knees.
"Hey, Fishface," he said, laying a careful hand upon her shoulder.
"Where were you?" She gasped, her head shooting up so quick Fred jumped.
"Making you a party, of course!" he answered, trying to ignore the emotions radiating off her, or the stabbing glare.
"I don't want a party, Fred. I want Lizzie to, to come back!" Sobs broke her asperity and she curled against him, welcoming his tight embrace.
"We all do... but she can't, Nat." The way she shook in his arms broke his heart.
Dammit, why can't I just tell her?
"But you, you promised."
"I know, and I swear I really thought that-"
"And you lied." She turned her blue eyes up at him, cold betrayal in her stare.
"I did not! Listen, it's complicated-"
"But things happen, right? People die?" Natalie pulled away. "You're just like all the other grownups! Just like Daddy!"
"I'm NOT at ALL like Fartpants! Or anyone!" He stomped, snatching her pillow, and fighting against the mounting control of the second most unfortunate side effect of being an imaginary friend. Whenever a child resisted too long, when they wouldn't let the magic close, it was pretty much as bad as going too long without play. Lizzie had done this to him multiple times when he'd returned to her as an adult, and it had utterly driven him manic because as long as a charge needed them, they also needed their charge.
"You take that back!" he cried, getting in her face. The impulse to fix his relationship with Natalie thrummed inside him and Fred had to squeeze the pillow, ready to tear its stuffing out.
"Nuh uh! You lied and I'm not listening to you anymore!" Natalie obnoxiously plugged her ears and hummed, making the urge too great for Fred to resist.
Oh fucking sod it and this WHOLE GODDAMN DAY!
"No, I didn't!" he yelled. "And I can PROVE it! Come're!" Snatching her up, Fred carried Natalie from the room and hauled her down the stairs in his rush for the kitchen.
"Lemmee go!" she cried, wriggling to get out of his grasp, but Fred just tightened his hold.
"Nuh uh! Not until you see what I've got to say!"
"I can't see what you've got to say! It's words. You're STUPID!" She grunted. Her little fingers strained to pry his hands open, but to no avail. "FREEEEED!"
Ignoring her, Fred used his elbow to flick on the kitchen light and held her there, with her back against him. Her little legs dangled and kicked in protest and he quickly squashed a scream by covering her mouth.
"Shhhhhhh! You're gonna wake your dad!"
Natalie's protests reached Lizzie's ears from the guest bedroom and she frowned. That was not what she expected to hear. "What the hell's he doing?" She could tell by the volume that Natalie was about to have a nuclear meltdown and wake her father; relaxation sleep tapes or no. Oh no, I have to help Fred calm her down.
Hurrying downstairs to the kitchen, Lizzie froze upon finding Fred and Natalie fighting and twisting around each other like a two-headed octopus. "Oh my god, Fred! What're you doing?! Let her go!" she cried.
Fred shot Lizzie a look. "Not now, Snotface! I'm busy."
"Who's Snotface?" asked Natalie.
"Shh! Quiet!" said Fred, bringing his head next to hers. "Now I'm gonna show you I'm NOT a liar! I did exactly as I promised."
"Did not!" Natalie swung her legs, but Fred proved stronger. "Ugh! You suck, Fred! Let me down." Her heel swung back and dug against his shin.
"Ow!" he cried, doubling over with a hiss. Quickly, he retaliated by sticking a finger in his mouth and giving Natalie the sloppiest wet willy ever. "Stay still, would ya, and listen to me!"
"Fred, stop it!" Lizzie snapped.
Natalie just squealed louder. "Get your gross finger outta my ear!"
Lizzie was utterly beside herself. "This is my life now..." she murmured to herself. Not even five minutes she'd left him alone. Five minutes.
Bracing himself so that he could hold onto Natalie and not lose his grip, Fred reached for the photograph Lizzie had left on the counter earlier that day. "Here! Look at this."
Natalie froze, allowing Fred to finally let her slide to the ground as she took the picture from him. "He looks like you."
"That's because it is me! See, I use to have a life before you, I was real, and I DID save Lizzie because the reason I was gone for so long is because I was making sure she ended up imaginary just like me."
Natalie's eyes went wide and she just stared at Fred in wild disbelief.
"Fred, no! You can't!" Lizzie bit her lip anxiously. What was he doing? "They said you can't do this!"
"Oh bollocks to them! I don't CARE. I've had it with today. I'm not letting her go on thinking I'm a liar, or grieving for ya when you're standing right bloody here, thanks to me!" He spun back to Natalie and Lizzie let out a deep breath.
Okay, she thought, Fred's lost it.
However, Lizzie knew there was no stopping him now and she hoped more than anything Natalie could understand. It was a stretch, though, even for one with a big imagination. God I wish I could make her see me... just to prove that Fred's not lying to her... She needs him, and he needs her trust... and those gods better not be listening or I'm sure we're all dead.
"You're making things up again," Natalie said at last. "Stop being so mean, and stop lying to me!" Eyes tearing, she looked down at the photo once more, the doubt inside her obvious.
"Am not. She's right here." Fred waved his hand to his side and pointed right at Lizzie.
"Then why can't I see her?"
"Because she's-" Fred's insanity took a pause as he felt Natalie letting him back in. He really hadn't thought this far ahead and now he feared he'd gone too far. "Because she's not your imaginary friend," he said, softly, crouching down to be eye level with Natalie. What had he done? How could he prove this to her without losing her trust forever, or scaring her? If he could just make Lizzie visible for just a moment, link them long enough for Natalie to trust him again...
At the thought, Fred felt a tickle inside his belly, his magic stirring, followed by a flash of green and purple to his right.
Natalie gasped.
"LIZZIE!" She dropped the photo and clasped her hands over her mouth with a squeak. Right there, where Fred had pointed, was Lizzie surrounded by a glow of green and purple before disappearing just as fast as she'd appeared.
Lizzie gasped quietly as the rush of magic left her body. What the hell was that all about?!
Mouth agape, Natalie spun to Fred and threw her arms around him tight. "You did it! Oh Fred, you did save her!" She sobbed, bursting with joy.
The sight of Natalie accepting Fred once more drove away all of Lizzie's concerns as to how the little girl had seen her and her heart warmed over. She was pretty sure that she might be crying a little and a laugh escaped her. I'm such a girl...
"See, I told you, you could do it," said Lizzie.
Fred glanced up at her with confusion coloring his face as he held Natalie. That should've been impossible... Perhaps it's a weird link to Snotface being my imaginary friend? He decided to just go with that before getting into it too deeply.
Pulling back, he poked Natalie's stomach. "There, you see? I told you I did it. You'll never doubt Drop Dead Fred again, will ya!" he said snarkily, striking a pose before hopping back to his feet.
"Wow..." said Natalie, staring up at him with astonishment. "So you were human? How?"
Fred rolled his eyes. "The same way you got that way, dummy!"
Natalie stuck out her tongue. "Then how did you turn into an imaginary friend?"
"Magic, of course. Duh! I fell down the right rabbit hole where I landed bottom first and squished it right out of a fairy!" Fred made a farting sound with his mouth, grinning.
"You killed a fairy?!" Natalie's face turned up in horror.
"Fred, don't tell her that! Oh my god!" Lizzie exclaimed.
"Oh fine! No fairies died in the making of my becoming an imaginary friend, but there was farting, and plenty of it!" Fred glanced at Lizzie and mouthed, "Better?"
"Much," she deadpanned.
"So you guys are BOTH imaginary friends because you got fairies to fart on you?" Natalie's face scrunched.
"Yep!" Fred placed his arm proudly around Lizzie and leaned on her. "Gassed up Snotface real good just a moment ago."
Lizzie refused the urge to roll her eyes at Fred's explanation. Hard.
Natalie, however, laughed. "Can I become one, too?"
"Pfft, no! You've got to stay here. Your dad would fall apart without you here. Someone's gotta teach him how to be a girl, you know." He swooped down and tickled Natalie, making her squeal, her tongue poking through the gaps of her missing teeth.
"Stop it!" She laughed, but he refused to relent.
"Oi, quit ordering me around, Fishface!" He pulled her into his arms and tickled her with added vigor.
The image they made together was so adorable that Lizzie had to bite her tongue to keep from saying so. Telling Fred that she thought he was really cute with Natalie was a really good way to find herself tied up over a burning snail pit or something.
"Ahem." She interrupted. "I hate to break this up, but Natalie DOES have to go to sleep at some point and she's got a party to get to. Don't want Cinderella to miss the ball, you know." She winked.
Natalie's breath caught as Fred stopped and she noticed he appeared to be listening to Lizzie. "What's she saying?" she asked. "Is she still here? Is she staying with us?"
"Yes. She's my own personal poltergeist," he answered. "And she says you've got a party to get to, but that costume just won't do!" he said, flicking her pajama top. "You're gonna need something else, or I'm sorry I can't be seen with you." Fred crossed his arms and huffed. He could see Natalie's eyes light with excitement.
"But I want to go to the party! Please!" She bounced up and down, pulling at the bottom of his jacket.
Behind his back, Fred conjured a blue dress and held it out for Natalie. "Arms up, then." She did as she was told and he shoved the dress over her head, making sure he thoroughly mussed her hair on the way down. "Muuuuuuuch better!" he cried, admiring his handiwork. "Whatcha think, Snotface?" The dress haphazardly hung from Natalie like a twisted lump and her hair resembled a frazzled tumbleweed.
Natalie looked down at the tragic mess she was wearing. "What's this supposed to be?"
"How should I know? I don't wear girl stuff."
Lizzie tried to hold back her snort, but failed spectacularly. The dress looked like a blue trash bag. Taking pity on her poor friend, who had no idea how to be a girl, after all, she moved to stand in front of Natalie and crouched. Eyeing the blue monstrosity, Lizzie said, "Here, I want to try something."
Focusing hard as she could, Lizzie painted the image of the perfect princess gown inside her mind. Holding it there, she reached inward for her magic and pushed it into the clothing. Slowly a few purple motes began to dance around Natalie and the fabric transformed into a dazzling miniature version of Cinderella's ball gown. Lizzie sagged, the expulsion of energy taking a toll on her, but not before Natalie's delighted squeal.
"It's perfect!" she cried, crashing into Fred for another hug. She felt just like Cinderella when the fairy godmother had changed her dress. "This is sooo much better! Thank you. You're the best fairy godmother ever, Fred!"
"Fairy?! Ugh! Bite your tongue, Fishface! That was all Snotface's doing. I'm no prancing, twinkle toes." He shuddered at the very thought and Natalie laughed, letting go to twirl in her new dress.
The suggestion brought such an absurd image to Lizzie that she snorted loud, pulling a glare from Fred. "I don't know, Fred, I'm pretty sure I've seen you twinkle before. Perhaps you're on your way to becoming a godmother after all!" She snickered.
Fred waggled his head obnoxiously in her direction and stuck out his tongue. "Quiet, or I'll turn your nipple harness into a pumpkin once it's midnight!" He spat, turning back to Natalie. "And if you want a pumpkin carriage to smash, I've already got just the perrrrrrrrfect jack-o-lantern in my pocket."
Natalie blinked. What was a nipple harness? Though, she was too confused about her next question to bother asking the first. "How do you keep a pumpkin in your pocket?"
"Trust me, I fit a LOT in there," he said.
Refusing to rise to his bait, Lizzie instead tsked a finger at him. "Brraaaaa, Freeeed."
Fred twitched and shot her a ghastly look. "Oi! I told you before, I work with kids! What's wrong with you?" Using his magic, he snapped Lizzie's bra strap and watched Natalie, acting as if nothing had happened.
"OUCH, FRED!" Lizzie shouted, rubbing at the now tender spot. He continued to ignore her and she glared. Why that little! Fine, you wanna play rough...
Backing out of the room, Lizzie quickly unclipped her bra, pulling it out of her shirt sleeve. Step one, she thought, holding it behind her back as she quietly resumed her place inside the kitchen. Step two in three, two, one...
As soon as Fred looked over to see what she was up to, Lizzie tossed her bra full on his face with a triumphant cry. "HA!"
"Whoa! Get it off my face! EWWWW! It's still warm!" Fred shouted, flailing and fumbling with the bra. His desperate motions only caused the straps to tangle around his fingers and he shook his hands, hopping backwards in horror. Natalie just stood there, completely stunned, as she couldn't see anything in Fred's hands.
"Get it off! It's trying to melt me! I'll turn into a girl!" he cried, finally flicking the bra into the sink and recoiling to hide behind Natalie. "Did you see that? It was a nipple octopus! It must have been eight feet high and thirty-seven stone of cooties!"
"You're crazy," Natalie said, flatly.
"Completely," Lizzie agreed.
"Am not!" he shouted.
"Well, I didn't see anything," said Natalie, shrugging at him.
"That's because you're a girl. Those things only try to eat men like me." He peeked over her, trying to see into the sink, but ducked back down behind Natalie. "I think it's dead. Go check." He tapped her and tried to urge her forward.
Natalie shook her head. "Nuh uh. I don't want any of those- What did you call them, Fred?" Her face scrunched up as she tried to remember. "Nipple cooties? Yeah, I think you're gonna need to take a bath before YOUR bedtime now."
Lizzie burst out laughing. "Yeah, you have COOTIES, Fred!" She felt the start of that manic energy from before bleed through her, feeding into her taunts and Fred immediately felt it invade him as well.
Well, alright, he thought, knowing he was doomed to follow her down the path of madness. Snotface wants to play rough. I'll give her rough.
Grinning wickedly, Fred gagged, convulsing hard as he grabbed his throat, making the most atrocious sounds he could manage. "Oh no!" he shouted, twisting and dropping limp to the ground. "They've got me!" he wailed, writhing like a fish out of water. "It's the end for me now, Fishface!" He grabbed Natalie's ankle and looked up at her with a desperate seriousness. "Whatever you do, don't let them get you, too! Don't look in their beady, little eyes!"
Using this moment to strike, Fred magicked his Jockeys straight onto Lizzie's face and cackled like a maniac. Natalie wouldn't be able to see a thing and his revenge was set, ringing with the sounds of Lizzie's shrieks.
"Aaaaaahhhh, Frrreeeeddd!" Snatching the shorts away from her skin, Lizzie flung them to the floor and alternated between glaring at them and their demented owner. Oh, I'm going to get him! If only I can conjure up something that would make him squirm just like that. Something he hates.
Scowling at her very obnoxious best friend, Lizzie noticed her frustration at being out-pranked only fueled the pent up energy that fed into her magic mania. It's amazing how fast it replenishes itself, she thought. Within her next breath, she turned utterly consumed by the need for revenge, eye twitching and her fingers lusting to strangle him. Something he hates... Something he hates... Something he HATES...
And then the unthinkable happened.
Lizzie's intense concentration on Fred produced the telling tingle of magic within her knee. Swiftly, it traveled up and out like an electric eel before she could think to stop it. As if conjured from the depths of Hell, the single worst image flashed in her mind and came into being right before her. A chill of sheer horror ran through Lizzie's body. Oh god, what have I done?!
Natalie's laughter died when Fred's clothing washed in a glow of purple instead of his normal green and the sight left in its wake became the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen.
Drop Dead Fred wore a grownup lady's blue dress.
Gasping, Natalie cried out, "Oh no! The nipple octopus got you. You did turn into a girl! Ewww, you look so weird! Your dress isn't even right. That's not what a princess looks like at all!" It reminded her of the clothing her Aunt Monica wore, down to the very sharp shoulders and plain skirt that she repeatedly warned Natalie not to touch because it was 'very expensive.' Natalie cringed when she noticed Fred even bore the same kind of hair and jewelry. "Ewww, Fred."
"What're you blathering about?" he asked, touching his chest, but his eyes widened in horror when he felt the harsh fabric beneath his fingers. Lizzie! Bolting upright, Fred looked down and screamed. "No! No, this isn't right!" Pinching the blazer, he paled at the image. No, no this isn't happening!
"Fred, you make a really ugly girl," said Natalie. His eye twitched.
Bolting to the stove, Fred snatched up the big spoon and used it as a mirror, shrieking as he saw his overly rouged face. Whirling around at Lizzie, he pointed the utensil straight at her face and yelled, "YOU! You did this? You've turned me into, into the MEGABITCH!"
Lizzie's face drained of color and all of her manic energy with it. Wringing her hands anxiously, she tried to shrug it off with an awkward smile. "Oops?" she said. She had no idea how she had done that, and now she didn't know how to undo it. But there he was, in all of his made over glory, the Fred version of the Megabitch. He's going to KILL me.
"Oops? Oops?! It's not a little slip! You've turned me into your mother!" Fred's face turned shades redder than his hair.
Embarrassment, regret, and irritation all vied for dominance inside Lizzie. "Well, you threw your used underwear into my face, Fred! Anyway, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn you into... into her. It just came out!"
"Oh? Just came out?! Like that? Like a bloody sneeze?! All for touching my Jockeys? It's not like you didn't wear them yourself earlier!" He spat, stomping his foot. Oh, I can't believe this! How did she do it? She doesn't know how to conjure at this magnitude yet. "Get these off me RIGHT now before I burst into flames or something!" Beside him, Natalie dropped to the floor, cackling. "Oi, stop it, you! This is a travesty!" She only chortled harder, and he looked over at Lizzie exasperated. "Look what you've done!"
Oh boy, he's taking this so much worse than I expected, thought Lizzie. Fred's heightened distress began a resurgence of her mania and she struggled hard against its pull. She tried recapturing the feeling from earlier which had created this mess, but quickly found that she couldn't concentrate hard enough when she herself was freaking out.
"Fred," she bit out, "I'm sorry, I swear! I didn't mean to change you into her, but I can't fix it. I don't even know how I did it in the first place and now I can't find my magic. I'm so sorry! Can't you just magic your clothes back to normal like you usually do?"
He paled at the suggested, which he imagined was hard to do since he had on so much makeup. In his fit, he had completely forgotten he could fix this mess himself. "Of course I can! I was just testing to see if you really did it on purpose," he snarled, changing his outfit back to his favorite and only attire in a flash of green, complete with the boxers which had landed on the floor. "Ugh! That's so much better. Now I don't reek of evil and hellfire." He shuddered.
Lizzie breathed a sigh of relief now that Fred had righted his clothes. Maybe now that he wasn't dressed like Bitch Inc. he could calm down a little.
"Now you go sit in the corner and think about what you've done!" he said, pointing at Lizzie. "No more trying tricks 'til I've given you the full manual."
Crossing her arms, Lizzie huffed. "Fine, if you want to have your princess tea party by yourself, be my guest." She knew she had angered him, but she had apologized. Did he have to be in such a tizzy over it still? She really wanted to watch him spend quality time with Natalie; she missed that little girl and longed to see how Fred played with other children. Now it seemed, though, he was just going to punish her like she was still six-years-old. The crappy thing was, she really couldn't do much about it if he did.
Fred shot her an odd stare. "You want me to drink tea and play girl things without you? Are you mad? We're a team now, Snotface." His mood had quickly shifted from anger to playful, allowing him to feel a tinge sorry for Lizzie's mishap. Walking over, he whispered so that Natalie wouldn't hear, "'S'okay. I'll tell ya how I did my first day later." Stepping back, he smiled soft and winked before turning back toward Natalie. "So are you ready for your party?"
"Uh huh!" She nodded.
Lizzie smiled. "Yeah!" she said, excitedly, moving to stand near Natalie. This was going to be so much fun. A real tea party! Even if she was the invisible guest, it was still awesome that she could relive some of her childhood by watching Fred and Natalie together.
"Alright, you two. Come on." Fred snatched both of them by a hand. "You've got guests waiting and tea, and the pants pie's 'bout to come out of oven." Dragging them along, Fred led the way up the stairs, and toward the guest bedroom. "Going to a party with a Fishface and a Snotface..."
A sudden thought dampened Lizzie's mood as they reached the top step and she looked over at Fred. "We'll probably need to tell her to keep this a secret, Fred. I don't think her dad's going to like it very much if she talks about me still being around. I don't want to risk him taking her to a psychiatrist." And expose you to any more of those pills...
Fred stopped dead in his tracks. In his rush he'd completely forgotten about that very important detail. "Right," he said at Lizzie, trying to sort his thoughts.
"What's the matter?" asked Natalie, her head tilting up at him in curiosity.
"Fishface, there's something important I need to talk to you about before we go in there," he said, crouching down to take a seat on the top step. Natalie followed, and he gently pulled her onto his lap. "Now, this is very important so I need you to listen to me." She nodded. "Okay..." Fred glanced up at Lizzie, trying to find the right words. He didn't want to scare her, but he needed her to understand the severity of the matter. "You've got to promise me you'll not tell your dad anything 'bout what I just told you in the kitchen. Got it?"
"Like about Lizzie?"
"Like exactly about Lizzie." He booped her on the nose and smiled; however, the little girl did not share his happy expression.
"But I want to tell him, Fred. Please? It'll cheer him up-"
"No," Fred cut her off sternly. "You can't tell him. He's a ruddy grownup. He wants you to stop believing in me, remember? He'll never believe you about Snotface."
Apprehensive, Natalie looked around as if she were trying to see Lizzie again. "But it's not you. He likes Lizzie. He'll believe me. I know it."
It took every ounce of strength Fred had not to groan in frustration. "Nat, you can't. Look, the truth is if you do I'll get in trouble. I'd have to leave, and you'd never ever see me again."
"No!" she gasped, flinging her arms tight around Fred. "You can't leave ever! You're my best friend!" She trembled. "I won't tell. I promise, Fred. I won't tell! Don't go."
Gently, he patted her on the back and smiled. "Then don't tell your dad, Fishface, and I'll stay until you tell me to piss off." He tugged on her braid, making her let go of him.
"Hey! Stop that!" She laughed and playfully jabbed him in the chest. "I won't tell, Fred. I promise, and I'll never tell you to go either."
"Hmm. That's a hefty promise. I think I might need some more convincing..." he said, holding out his pinky. "You sure? Do you really, really promise never ever to tell your dad even if he threatens to feed you broccoli and sprouts? Or even your own liver?"
Natalie instantly hooked her pinky with his and nodded. "I promise to everything with cherries on top and whipped cream and mud pies!"
"Good. Then that means you're stuck with me." He pulled a face at her and lifted her off his lap. "Now come on. Snotface's gonna turn into a pumpkin if we don't get you in there on time. Then we'd have to carve her, or use her for a carriage, and I hate finding horses. They're snobs, you know." He smirked at Lizzie, who stuck her tongue out at him despite her grin.
"Um, you go on ahead without me," she said. "I'll catch up. I just need to, uh, find the rest of my clothes."
Looking at her curiously, it took a moment before Fred realized what she meant. Oh yeah. The nipple harness in the sink. He smiled and decided to give her a break. "Hold still, Snotface." Flicking his fingers, he reached out for the bra and magicked it right where it belonged, cupping her securely and hooking into place. "There. Now you're all lifted and separated proper. Better?" he asked, genuinely hopeful she liked the gesture.
A deep blush suffused her cheeks as she became simultaneously touched and embarrassed that Fred had secured her bra for her - and done it well. She could feel the faint traces where his magic had touched her skin. It's almost like he did it himself... Oh my god! Where did that freaking thought come from?!
Great, now she would be red as a tomato, but the way Fred looked at her with such a hopeful expression, she didn't have the heart to crush him. "Yeah." She coughed. "It feels great, Fred." Oh god, did I just make it worse?
Internally, she cringed so hard she wanted to fold in on herself and just disappear. Outside; however, she gave Fred her sincerest smile and hoped that he had no clue about the wayward and pervy path her thoughts pulled her. Must be that freaking magic mania. I'm going to be just like Fred in no time flat!
"Good because I wouldn't want you all upset again that your dirty pillows weren't all tucked in for the winter." Fred couldn't help himself; he never could. Yes, he wanted to make Lizzie comfortable and for her to know he cared about her, but he could not help himself. Ever. At this point he didn't know if he there had been a time in his life when he had. "Come on, Princess Fishface. Your party awaits!" he said, bending down to Natalie and holding out an arm like a proper gentleman for her to take.
Lizzie shook her head, all embarrassment gone. If a grown man, magic or not, couldn't bring himself to say the word 'bra,' then she could forgive herself for the odd internal thoughts. Dirty Pillows indeed.
Taking his other arm, Lizzie flashed him a grin. "Alright, let's go party!"
A few hours later, Lizzie stood next to Fred, surveying their handiwork. Natalie lay sprawled and asleep across her bed, one of her favorite stuffed teddies, Mr. Bear, clutched in her arms. The princess costume and all evidence of the party were gone, save for the smile on the little girl's face; the party had been a huge success.
Fred had charmed several of Natalie's toys to join them for tea, while a separate trio sang off-key versions of Disney songs over on the dresser. Taking the chance to practice her magic skills, Lizzie had targeted one of Natalie's dormant toys. It had taken a while, but she'd finally gotten the pink elephant to give a noise, albeit one which sounded more like a pig's squeal than an elephant's trumpet - she still counted it, though.
"Well, she's finally out. Thanks for all the help, Snotface," Fred whispered so as not to wake her. He was extremely thankful tonight that he'd had Lizzie by his side after everything. If it hadn't been for his Snotface, he knew things wouldn't have smoothed over so quickly with Natalie. Seeing the girl asleep and peaceful at last gave him relief, like for the moment he was suspended in a cocoon where none of today's pain could find him.
"Of course. You were great today, Fred," Lizzie whispered back. She wanted to say more to him, but didn't want to chance waking Natalie. Moving for the door, she motioned for Fred to follow her and once they were out of earshot, she said with a smirk at the ready, "I had no idea you knew the proper etiquette for giving the Queen's wave, Fred. I was impressed."
"What's so surprising? I'm British, you know, or did you never notice that? Or that I'm always surrounded by girls?"
"Well, you were very poised. I think that the Queen Mum would be proud and Nat had a great time thanks to you." A giant yawn ripped right through her. Her body mirrored Natalie's exhaustion and right now all she wanted was to find a bed and crawl in it.
Rubbing her eyes she cast him a pleading look. "I know that you don't normally like to sleep, but I can honestly say that I feel beat. I think I need to try it for a bit, at least just to turn my mind off for a few hours.
"Then get some sleep, Snotface. I'll wake you up just before Nat gets up and we'll have some more fun." Smiling, Fred paused and watched her a moment. It really did feel great to have her back. This moment could almost be too good to be true, which caused an awful gnawing in his stomach. "I'll just go find my own fun while you snore and drool on your pillows." He turned to leave, but stopped.
"Oh hey!" Fred walked back to Lizzie. "I forgot to give ya something." Sticking a finger up his nose, he dug out a special present for Lizzie, and dabbed it on her cheek. "There. Can't have you go to sleep without your goodnight snotting." His nose crinkled playfully and he gave Lizzie's hand a quick squeeze before disappearing to cause trouble somewhere else.
The hallway outside the doors of where the gods of the Other Otherworld kept themselves brought Damion little solace tonight. Usually the dim lighting, the disembodied footsteps, and unnaturally thick and anguished energy lifted his spirits, but the problem he had, thanks to Fred, kept him from enjoying himself.
"Bet you bastards are laughing your asses off about all of this," he whispered to the footsteps. "I know you nosey pricks pay attention to everything that goes on 'round here. Well, it's not over yet, and when I dissolve this mess you'll have two new additions with you in my collection of failed projects." That thought brought a gleam to his eyes. "So you can wipe those smiles off your sad faces."
Behind, he felt the air change and swirl, bringing the familiar sensation of one his least favorite cohorts.
"Enzo," he said. "Can't you tell I'm busy plotting?"
"You're always plotting. Honestly you're getting a bit boring. Try something new for a change. It might do you some good. Maybe put some color in your face?"
Turning, Damion glared. "What do you want?"
"It's not what I want. It's what you want. You asked me to inform you when Miss Cronin was alone. She's alone now. Although, I'm not quite certain what it is you expect to gain from abducting her while she sleeps. Fred'll become very cross if he finds his friend's gone missing so soon after just getting her back." He conjured a mirror and busily inspected his tea dress, which happened to be an exact copy of the one Lizzie had worn, except in a garish combination of magenta and yellow.
Damion smirked. "He'll never even know she's gone... Send in the cronut!" he barked, vanishing from the hall and returning to his dominion.
Soon after drifting off to sleep, Lizzie woke within the oddest dream - and considering the details of recent events, that was saying quite a bit.
She found herself back inside her childhood room, everything in it grossly oversized. The bed, her furniture, even the stuffed animals had all blown up to twice her size, giving Lizzie the feeling of being small as a cricket.
I wonder if this is how Alice felt?
A chill coursed through her as she became painfully aware that her comfortable sweats had been replaced by the only undersized thing in the room: her dress.
Done in the same style as what she had worn for picture day in the second grade, it somehow fit her adult body while roughly retaining its child size. Reaching down, Lizzie squeaked as she felt that all the frills of her petticoat just barely covered her behind, and the cool air caused her a shiver.
What the hell is the deal with my butt hanging out lately?!
Folding her hands over the backside of the dress, Lizzie realized she had no tights to protect her dignity, and sank onto the floor in humiliation. Something told her this wasn't just a dream.
"You really did have appalling taste in décor, Miss Cronut."
Lizzie jumped and saw Damion leaning against the doorframe to her bedroom. Where had he come from? "Not my idea. My mother decorated it. I always wanted blue walls, but she insisted on pink for everything. She thought it was the appropriate color for little girls." She shrugged and checked just to be sure that the petticoat was splayed out well enough behind her.
"Yes, your mother was quite the... What is it that Fred calls her?" he drawled.
"A megabitch."
"Ah yes, the Megabitch. Fred always was so wonderfully creative with his use for foul language. You were very lucky to have him, you know. Imaginary friends are in such short supply and oftentimes children have to go without because there isn't enough to go around."
Damion's tone was conversational, friendly even, and it set Lizzie's teeth on edge. She forced a smile, but it twisted into a grimace. "You're right. I was- am lucky to have Fred. He's been the best friend anyone could ever ask for."
Damion eyed her intently as he walked into the room. "Mmm. He has, hasn't he? I think it's safe to say that Drop Dead Fred holds you in particular quite close to his heart. No other IF has ever shown the level of devotion to a charge's happiness and wellbeing as he has with you. It kinda goes against their very nature, in a way."
Lizzie frowned. "What do you mean by that?"
"Only that IF's are chosen for several reasons, one of them being their ability to stay transient and not become too attached. We need them to provide for a child's imagination, but to be able to move on to the next when that child no longer needs them. You were his first charge, and Jack-in-the-box incident aside, he hasn't left you yet. See what I'm saying?"
Damion's tone implied it was her fault that Fred had gone against convention to stick around and make her an imaginary friend and it made her uneasy. She didn't want to be the reason that Fred got into any kind of trouble; she owed him so much. Well then, this is where I start to make it up to him... she thought.
"I know that Fred has put a lot of effort into me, but I believe that's actually a very good quality in an IF. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for him and your generous decision to let him train me. Because of that, I know that Natalie will be better than okay when all of this is over because he'll put every effort into making it that way. I think he's the best teacher for this job that I could have possibly asked for. Really, you should try to pick more IF's like him."
"Hmm. You'd think, but it tends to cause problems... However, sounds like you two are pretty close, despite the years. You're awfully fond of him, aren't you?" he asked, slipping his hand along the edge of her bed as he eyed the toys laying in the corner. Slowly he turned back to face her.
Lizzie eyed him with suspicion, her every hair standing on end. "Yes, you could say that. He saved my life, in more ways than one. He's my best friend," she said simply.
"Hmm. Yes, you two are rather special... It's hard not to notice. You've been a great many firsts for Fred. Did you know he's the one who insisted he make it back to you should you ever reopen that bloody Jack-in-the-box?"
A small ache stabbed Lizzie's heart. Fred had really done that? "I can't say that I'm sorry he did. I realize that he probably should've forgotten about me and everything, but even though I grew up... I still needed him. I was really messed up, and Fred is the only reason I was able to get my head on straight. I'll probably never be able to repay him for what he's done for me," she finished solemnly.
"Yes, I'm sure you're eager to repay him for all he's done. All the doting from him must make you feel special? Being the only adult an IF has ever gone back to and all." He stepped closer, looking at her very carefully and smiled. The relaxed expression seemed almost unnatural on his face. "Are you sure that your admiration for Fred is just for the fact that you think he makes an excellent friend?" His brows gently lifted in question.
Crossing her arms, Lizzie juggled mounting confusion. It irritated her. "What else would it be for?"
"Well, you've known each other for so long. Feelings blossom," he said, the forced way of the words barely covered. "The man's saved your life, cared for you, broken rules for you, put up with this atrocious room... Are you saying you've never yearned for more?"
Lizzie's eyebrows shot up into her hairline. "More? More what?" Realization dawned on her the longer he stared at her. "Are you- Are you trying to say- me and Fred?!" She blinked. It was like he had suddenly started spouting a foreign language, gibberish even, but finally she regained control enough over her brain to speak again.
"I think I can honestly say that I have not. I have no idea where you got that idea from, but we're just friends! Honestly! Fred isn't even capable of... of that kind of attraction anyway, so it would be pretty stupid of me to start pining after my imaginary friend, now wouldn't it?"
"Oh PLEASE! I wasn't born last century. Of course Fred's capable. You think that pervert's never dipped it in the pond? But we're not talking about him. I'm asking about you. Humans do stupid shit all the time and up until today that's what you were. Now, are you attracted to Drop Dead Fred?"
Lizzie's brain broke. Dipped it? A flurry of perverted and outlandish images involving Fred and 'dipping it' paraded through her mind, each one more ridiculous than the last. Her face burst into flames as she tried to mentally scrub them from her brain; she needed bleach. Lizzie tried to speak, but Damion's revelation left her so disoriented that her words bordered on babbling.
"Because... Because Fred doesn't feel that way about anyone!" She laughed, but it tripped out of her mouth. "I mean, IF's don't feel sexual attraction... Do they?" The last part involuntarily rolled out, but all of a sudden she wasn't so sure of her previous assumptions.
"Aren't you adorably naïve." He sneered. The forced pleasantries had worn him thin and he was ready to make Lizzie spill every secret he could get now that he had her flustered enough. "But you're serious, aren't you? Really, I'm going to have a birds and the bees talk with a grown woman here in this pink monsoon?" He waved at the bedroom. "Maybe I misjudged you a smidge on your normality..." He breathed deep, rolling his eyes, as he gathered the strength to get into this topic.
"But in answer to your question, yes, an IF can experience sexual attraction, albeit it's an extremely rare thing. We can't remove all traces of your humanity during the transformation and honestly touching hormones is the last thing I care to be bothered with. It's just not possible anyways, but I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, sexual attraction's just usually not part of an IF's nature. They sorta come with it naturally suppressed when I find them. We're in the business of creating friends for children after all, we can't have them running around rutting in toy boxes and chasing skirts when they need to be working. Do you see the problem here?"
Lizzie realized her mistake. She wasn't in the afterlife, she was living in the fucking Twilight Zone. That was the only explanation. How else could she be here, with a god, having a frank discussion about Drop Dead Fred's sexuality?
White hot indignation boiled inside of her at Damion's condescension. Her right hand itched to hit him in the face again. Maybe if I do it hard enough this time he won't be able to put everything back where it belongs...
"I'm sure if there were a problem, you would have already seen it by now," she said through gritted teeth. Damion was trying to incriminate Fred somehow, and he was trying to use her to do it, but it made absolutely no sense. The idea of Fred being attracted to her was absurd! Even if his hormones were apparently alive and well.
"Look, we're just friends. I don't know how many possible other ways I can say it. If Fred wants to go... dip it..." She cringed. "...on his own time, then that's his business. It has nothing to do with me."
"So are you saying that I can have your guarantee that there won't be any dipping in the future either? You know friends can end up-"
Once again Lizzie's mouth dropped. "I beg your pardon! Who I have sex with, if I ever have sex again, is none of your business!"
"It is when I OWN YOU!" Damion's eyes flashed.
"Why do you care?" she demanded. "Why would it matter if I suddenly decided to drag Fred off to a broom closet if we were making sure to keep it away from the children? Parents do it all the time. Literally."
"Oh, a broom closet? Awfully specific, Miss Cronut." He leaned closer, causing her to flinch.
"Ewww, are you some kind of otherworld pervert?!"
"No that's surprisingly Cale, and maybe Bastion if you want to get technical. Look, you thorn in my ass, it matters because in case you weren't aware, IF's are forbidden from falling in love, and you're as normal as they come compared to the others I've brought in here, and love is something I know you still crave. So were you ever to do it with Fred, we both know where your little fluttering heart would go and that's a problem."
Lizzie deflated, her heart sinking from the sting. "I already figured that out for myself," she said quietly. "I mean, when your new job is to spend eternity befriending children and the dating pool is literally limited to those who can see you... I knew what I was getting into when I accepted training. There's no need to rub it in my face, or Fred's."
Damion's stance relaxed and he stepped away from her at last. "What if I told you that I already think he's attracted to you?"
"Then I would have to ask you again if you're insane, because it's just not possible. He loves me as a friend, and if that's forbidden too, then you need to rethink how this job is done. It takes caring to take care of someone, especially children. They already know what it feels like to be lied to when someone tells them they love them. How can you expect them to trust an imaginary friend who can't? As for the other part, I really don't think you will ever have to worry about that. We're both well aware that I don't inspire that kind of emotion in men."
At last Damion got what he wanted. He could tell her protests were real, unlike Fred's, which had some desperate force to them that lacked the honesty of this cronut. Fred might be compromised, but this end's a dead one, he thought with a smile. My kingdom's safe for another day at least. "Then I believe you and I have nothing more to say on the matter. Thank you for your time, Miss Cronut. Have fun in rehearsals for your big tests." Damion flicked his fingers, sending her away.
Lizzie gasped as she actually felt herself slam back into her own body, waking in the guest bed with her knuckles whitened from their death grip upon the sheets. Her first and only thought was how much she wanted to punch something.
However, still unable to conjure things at will and not wanting to alert Fred to her state, she settled for rolling over and screaming into her pillow until hoarse.
How was this her life now? Her imaginary best friend suddenly came with a working sex drive?! Otherworldly dating rules?! Creepy gods who gave a talk on abstinence only for imaginary beings?! What was next?
Throwing the pillow off her face, Lizzie huffed. "Well, I wanted a more interesting life... Looks like I got my wish. Crazy bastards all around..."
However, reliving her conversation with Damion made her extremely worried. He had taken the pains to make sure she was alone in order to grill her about the nature of her relationship with Fred; like there was anything she would hide! But his insistence that there might be something more than friendship between them, his demands that there never should be... it got her thinking what it was he thought he saw.
Up until very recently, it had never even occurred to Lizzie to even consider Fred as a man, let alone someone she could be attracted to. He had always just been Drop Dead Fred her imaginary, and therefore, untouchable friend. But that must have changed? She couldn't believe that Damion would dog her steps so relentlessly about breaking the rules if he didn't think they already were on the path to doing so.
Hugging her pillow to her chest, she curled her knees and turned over so that she could stare at the blackened corner in front of her. What had changed between them that was putting Fred's position as an imaginary friend under so much pressure?
Lizzie bit her lip. Could it have been all of the stuff about nudes and nipples during their training session today?
No, that can't be it.
If she thought about Damion's behavior, he had been laying down the rules since Fred had first asked to bring her over. But why? She knew that it had been an outrageous request, one never even made before in fact, but Fred had never been anything but comforting and obnoxious towards her, especially after he came back into her life. How was that any different from how he had treated her as a child? The only time she had ever seen him act even remotely out of character had been-
Lizzie's eyes flew open.
The kiss.
He had kissed her before he left her. He had asked her to kiss him before he left her.
"Oh my..."
At the time she hadn't really thought anything of it, other than trying to swallow the terrible ache at having to finally say goodbye to him forever. The sweet exchange had been oh-so-brief, she couldn't see how it could become construed as anything else... but now that she thought about it, her lips began to tingle at the memory.
Closing her eyes, her mind provided the extra details of Fred she hadn't noticed then. The feel of his lean, hard body against hers contrasted with his soft lips against her own. His scent tickled her nose and teased her, leaving her yearning to explore the sweetness of his mouth. He'd held her so desperately in those last moments, and she recalled the gentle way his thumb had stroked her back before he'd faded from her arms. The innocent memory no longer seemed so harmless. Her heart thudded.
What the hell am I suppose to do with this?
"You don't do anything, remember? No use over analyzing because it's apparently against the rules for imaginary friends to get all tingly when they kiss each other... I guess it's against the rules for them to kiss in the first place..."
So why had Fred asked her to kiss him? I seemed the fuel for Damion's fire... so why? Why risk kissing her?
A memory of something said between Fred and Damion during that first awful exchange after she'd been brought over came to mind.
'Good luck with that. I have no secrets,' Fred had said, 'You'd certainly use them against me if I did.'
'Yes, you keep saying that,' Damion had answered, 'but I suspect the imaginary friend doth protest too much...'
Lizzie's breath caught. "No! It doesn't make any sense... It was just... No!" She couldn't wrap her mind around the idea of Fred liking her... like that. Frowning, she tried to decipher her true thoughts on this. The idea of Fred liking her, even finding her attractive... it felt like listening to a record playing backwards, she just couldn't follow along. He had always been her friend with a capital F. Friends didn't look at you like that, they didn't secretly want you like that, they didn't... They didn't...
They didn't kiss you...
An odd fluttering was beginning to start in her chest. Did Fred see her as more than a friend? Had that kiss meant more for him than a goodbye? Ugh, she was so confused!
But how do I feel about him?
Memories of mud pies and pirate thieves and late night burglar parties brought a smile to her face, but it quickly faded when those images melted into new ones of him staring at her breasts, or the look in his eyes when he caught her staring at his naked chest...
Oh my god...
Lizzie brought her pillow back up to her face and resumed screaming.
I think I'm attracted to my imaginary friend!
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Second Chances