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Reviews for The Legacy of Silver and Gold

By : MorganSilver
  • From ANON - Demoniclittlegir on December 31, -0001
    YES YES YES!
    You totally have to continue. PLEASE!!!!
    If for nothing but my sanity....
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  • From ANON - MadoushiClef on July 31, 2003
    To start: what in the nine levels of hell is going on here? It starts off nice enough, with a pretty IC Will doing a forseeable Will-thing, ie. writting in a journal. (Do add some more html, like instead of using the br tag, us p and /p so there's a spabe between paragraphs? Makes it much easier to read, mate.) You don't need to put down every action, just say, "Will tentetively opened his journal, sifting through the pages fondly."

    Set Elizabeth aside easily enough, don't use 'us', you're not supossed to be talking to your audience outside the authors notes. About the scar--reminder for what? How he met Jack? Why he's a pirate? Why Elizabeth left him?--speaking of which, is this going to be a het fic? If so, why ditch Swann? If it's to be a slash fic, why aren't Jack and Will together after what--three years is it?

    About the ship, did you mean dingy or dinky?

    This woman...started a conversation knowing Jack well enough to know what he'll say. And she's no sense of humor--a bad thing for a pirate girl who obviously can't fight well enough to keep herself unharmed. Will calls her a 'wench', which is interesting since HE was raised a proper boy. Jack's dialogue--no way in hell. He'd never tell her to 'get in her proper place'. Jack took great advantage of Elizabeth's strength and AnnaMaria's strength without being rude. In fact, he's unbelievable polite for a pirate. During the confrontation between the Interceptor and the Black Pearl, Jack saved Elizabeth with the comment, "That's not very nice." He wouldn't hit a girl, and he had many a chance for retaliation. Will's totally out of line attacking this chick. Jack can take care of himself.

    You do a lot of telling and not much showing in this story. 'Will questioned Jack about it later"? Why not show him asking?
    Will leaned back in his chair, staring at his captain. "Jack, who was--"
    "Drop it, boy." Jack cut him off with a serious look in his eyes. "And ye'd best forget about 'er."
    It's just two lines. Show! Showing is good.

    Will taunting this woman? What's gotten into the boy? He was so nice in the movie! You'd think after being on a ship he'd know better than to start a fight with a captain on their own vessel. And again, show. 'She was obviously no longer calm"? I never considered her calm to begin with. Must I teach you another lesson? Er... Will, fool, ye lost the last fight, or did the imense pain make ye forget it every happened? She runs a nice slew of insults, but make Will's reaction a sepperate paragraph, please? And if Jack and her are 'friends', it'd be easier to detect if they're teasing was a bit less... hostile. She does does hate him so much, why'd she even greet him?

    Wooh! Very chopping. Who's pov is this supossed to be from, anyways?

    Ouch, very choppy dialogue. Attach a speaker to each line, if ye'd be so kind. And some description. If this is your 'Will questioned Jack about her later' bit, don't keep that earlier line about it. Just have Will decide to ask--but not until the oppertune time, kay?

    WTF has gotten into Will? All this animosity is really annoying. So is the choppy two lines--pov change--two lines--pov change nonsense.

    What fool would ever tell your Will where Jo went to after the previous day's show? Are ye daft? And WHAT the HELL has gotten into Will? He's lost all sense of propriety that'd been drilled into him. He's lost all sense of respect. And he should just know better than to threaten a naked pirate woman--AnnaMaria should have more than taught him that. Obviously Jo's first instinct is blood, Will may be stupid sometimes, but he's not that dumb. He does have some sense of survival.

    The only thing I can say is that I want to find out who the hell this chick is to Cap'n Sparrow.

    ~Clef
    (P.S. Yer pirate dialogue was fine, luv.)
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  • From ANON - Prolix on July 29, 2003
    You're doing great. The balance and pace seem fine to me. You seem to be a very good writer, so I think you could get away with more description, if you wanted to. To be helpful: You'll want to change 'Jack' to 'Will' in this sentence: "Jack stood in pain in the shallow water." I want to know more about Jo and how she knows Jack, but I love it that Jack is keeping something secret from Will. I'm wondering what's at that place Jo is sailing to. Maybe her previous ship ked ked just off a coral reef, and she's trying to get some of her treasure back by diving down? I'm not sure if she's ry pry proud of her little ship, or what. Tip: If you're going to name the ship, try opening a dictionary to a random page and choosing something from there. So many of the ship names I've been reading are SO corny. Hope this was constructive. Good Job.

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