The first thing I'm going to suggest, and this may just be me, is breaking this up into smaller chapters. Just at a guess, you've got around 15000 words here. To put that in perspective, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone had 76,944 words. Reading 1/5 of that novel on one screen would make it very difficult to "bookmark" and very easy to lose my place. I know that when the words flow, that's when you write, and that's a perfect way to go about it. All I'm talking about is formatting. Breaking it up into chapters gives your readers the option of reading a couple now and coming back later, knowing that there's something intriguing yet to come.

A technical thing I notice is the lack of the direct address comma. Pittwitch has composed a thread (bear in mind that it is in the rants section of the archive) that describes the issues that arise from omitting this particular piece of punctuation. You can find it here:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/topic/42146-the-direct-address-comma-rule

We already talked in the shoutbox about the term 'boy' and how it's apparently been received by at least one reader. ;) The only other thing I'd like to address regarding technical issues right at the beginning of the story is its versus it's. A concise article on this can be found here: http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/pronouns/1-grammar-error/

Just as a suggestion, because a beta's services can be invaluable, you may wish to peruse our forum here:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

for those looking to offer their services to writers. If no one there who's been active recently seems compatible with you, feel free to post a thread here:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/

indicating your preferences. It can take a while to develop a good rapport between beta and author, so I certainly recommend getting to know their personality before attempting to have them look over your work. Having said all of that, I'll leave off with the technical bits and comment on content. :)

I love the way you've captured Jareth's darker aspects. You demonstrate his personality so perfectly in the way that you have the nonchalant delivery of Well whoever had done this to his boy would die.

I also like how you explore the fact that Jareth can see Toby's dreams. I like the way that you present the snippets within the story - flashes of images that clearly demonstrate why Toby is so upset that you describe well enough for the readers to understand, but not graphically so. I do have to ask, since I've only seen the movie and not any of the follow-up material, is this something that is depicted as a trait in those media? I'm just curious.

One thing I find curious is Jareth seating them on the bed if he's concerned about how Toby will take that. Given that he can transform a crystal into a snake, I don't think it would be outside of his abilities to alter the bed, at least in appearance if not in fact.

It's very telling of Toby's character, the line Well as normal as gay sex gets. Juxtaposed with his revelation that Sarah seems to have a BDSM kink, that's a bit of an odd stance to have. I trust the reasoning behind that particular ideology will be revealed as the story continues.

Unfortunately, whatever has happened to Toby to cause his distress, seems to have been as real as true rape to him. I don't know your life history, your personal experiences. I'm aware everyone reacts differently to events in their lives. Given the fact that your having Toby jump right into this with Jareth - though with great reluctance, I'm concerned as to how that's going to affect their relationship later on.

You may have already looked over these resources, or have other more personal experiences to draw upon, but either way, just as something to help in regards to writing a personality for someone having lived through that event, I'd like to suggest the following links:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery

http://www.raperecoverycenter.com/

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/mental-and-emotional-issues/rape-recovery#.UhWMrZKpGmA

With regards to Jareth's revelation that the dreams are in fact an active spell, would the ruby he created for Toby to nullify harmful magic not dissipate their power as long as he held on to it?

There’s no such thing as irredeemably bad sex unless someone is deliberately torturing you. I disagree, but that's a debate for another venue.

Okay, I've stopped at But it was all gone now, and he was an adult now, so why didn’t it feel like it? for now as I do have staff duties to which I must attend. I'll certainly read more later, as you have an interesting start to this tale, and I'm intrigued.

Thank you for sharing!
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