Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Return to the Labyrinth

By : LabyrinthJunkue
  • From RogueMudblood on October 04, 2012

    I'm going to recommend that you obtain a beta to assist you with a few things that can help your flow. First, there's formatting. Presentation is key, and when the story is mashed together this way, it looks like one long run-on (even though it isn't).

    You've also got a compound word spaced (pothole) and you've got a bit of repetition in the first paragraph. (You have others as the story goes on.) A beta can help you to tighten things like this up, giving recommendations that will allow your story flow more smoothly.

    I would also recommend describing a bit more. You tell us that Jamie and Angel had a fight, and that Angel is "pure evil", but so far, we've seen nothing to actually indicate this. Showing us the argument would help to engender sympathy for Jamie. Perhaps instead of starting the story on the bus itself, starting it as she's walking to the bus, and having her run into her sister's friends. Show us how they treat her, and allow the reader to have an emotional response to Jamie's life rather than telling the reader who should be good, and who bad.

    So far, since we've only your statements that Jamie's life is intolerable, we have no reason to think she would actually go in to the labyrinth. At this point, I'm more inclined to believe that she would throw her arms around Jareth, say "To hell with the labyrinth, take me now!" and let him whisk her away to the castle.

    I think you could have an intriguing story here, should you choose to continue it. I do think it needs a bit of polish that a beta could easily help you to achieve.

    Happy writing!
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!