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Reviews for Boys Don't Kiss Boys

By : AdoraAngel
  • From Jadin on September 23, 2008
    cute ^.^
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  • From iloveMP2yea on June 21, 2008
    Stab me. The grammar is this story is absolutely atrocious—it makes things difficult to read, and I find that I am tripping over words and sentences. I took a few notes whilst I was reading, so please bear with me.

    (1) The first line is...bad. You began with "when", which generally does NOT introduce a clause in the present indicative; it's not grammatically incorrect, just extremely awkward. In addition, introducing Tyler as you did was so blunt that I wanted to stop reading then and there.
    (2) Again, your writing style is more than just "unique". It has grammatical problems, and more than just your garden-variety shall-versus-will problems. I think you once attempted an absolute phrase but failed miserably. It was actually difficult for me to read, and this was not just the grammar's fault. There was also a lot of tense-changing that caught me way off-guard. Are you writing in the present indicative or the preterite? For example: "Caroline looked [preterite] over her son laughing at how adorable he looked with hair sticking out from his hat. Tyler, in return, looks [present] up at her and gives [present] a big cheeky grin."
    (3) Minor point: when you mention that "the list could go on and on...", you need to have more points before that. A general rules says that three or four points is acceptable; the two that you gave was not enough to SHOW that, yes, the list COULD go on and on.
    (4) Caroline is amazing. Whilst I find you are unable to write, you ARE able to invent characters with fun personalities. The way in which she and Tyler interact, and indeed the way in which Francis and Reid interact, is absolutely adorable.
    (5) My English teacher once graciously informed his class that using "said" is perfectly acceptable; in fact, looking for verbs synonymous with said is superfluous. Using "Caroline stated" is gratuitous.
    (6) ...You used "the most quietest". Does that sound right...AT ALL to you?!
    (7) Ahh, I find that a lot of this is done COMPLETELY out of character! Since when do eight-year-olds hug upon greeting each other? Though you've a way with adding some depth to characters, that depth is directed to the wrong places. Even the way they SPEAK is beyond their years! Specifically:
    (a) Eight-year-olds are familiar with the phrase "in general"?
    (b) I didn't know Reid every apologized!
    (c) What were you THINKING when you made that the bridge between friends and kissers? I mean, Reid would never say that, Tyler would never say that, and for Gods' sakes, when Reid says "who told you boys don't kiss boys?", it sounds as if Reid has discovered his sexuality...at eight...I think you see my point.
    (8) The paragraph beginning "The reasoning" is not only grammatically incorrect, but it is also a really bad way of describing their reasoning. You could have come-up with something a bit more comprehensible to the brains of your readers.
    (9) I loved the ending line—great work there!
    (10) Something you did quite often was following a complete clause with an incomplete one that begins with a gerund but follows with another incomplete clause that you attempt to construct in the same way with the preterite, linking the two with "and". This is wrong. Let us change "Reid moved over towards Tyler, pressing his lips against Tyler’s lips and pressed his hand behind Tyler’s neck." to "Reid moved over towards Tyler, pressing his lips against Tyler's lips as he pressed his hand behind Tyler's neck." –OR– "…pressing his lips against Tyler's lips and his hands behind Tyler's neck."

    Overall, I would encourage you to revise your things before you publish them. Either that, or you could get a beta-reader for yourself. Either way, eyes need to re-check this—it is far too rough.

    ~Bradly~
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  • From Stormer1979 on November 18, 2007
    I just had to say that this fic, Boys Don't Kiss Boys was both extremely sweet and reminiscent but also cute and hilarious. I enjoyed reading it.
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  • From DB1 on September 15, 2007
    sweet story. a one shot? I hope not

    *DB*
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