Absolutely love it !! Really hope that there is more to come with this story !! Simply cannot wait �

Absolutely LOVE IT !!! I'm begging you to keep this going as it's fantastic and being left on a cliffhanger.... so not fair!! Please please please add more chapters 💖

I always try to start my reviews with a bit of technical commentary when it's needed. I'm going to start at the beginning and point out a few things that could be tweaked slightly to present your story more adequately to your readers.

You've got a few typos in your summary. Here's what you have:

Jareth is sying of a broken heart that Sarah caused and before he dies he needs an heir to his throne. he chose Toby, but now he has to figure out, away to get Toby to the undeground.

I'm going to bold the parts that I change.

Jareth is dying of a broken heart that Sarah caused. Before he dies he needs an heir to his throne. He chose Toby, but now he has to figure out a way to get Toby to the underground.

I bring this to your attention because your summary is your biggest selling point. When the summary has errors, it doesn't present the story in the best possible light to your readers.

You've also got some punctuation issues directly at the beginning of the story. For example:

“Your breakfast sire” the man said

should be

“Your breakfast, sire,” the man said.

There's a discussion about the impact of the direct address comma here:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/topic/42146-the-direct-address-comma-rule/

Omitting it really can completely change the meaning of your sentence. For example, what you have says that "the breakfast sire" is being presented (leading one to speculate about a lunch sire, and a dinner sire). Clearly, it's not what you intended, but the lack of proper punctuation changes the meaning. You have this again with I know you don’t like to drink that sire which--considering--brings an extremely naughty image to mind. You don't have this tagged as being a slash story, but that statement would certainly give your readers indications that it would be.

This sentence

Jareth quickly drank it down then gagged, then he ate his breakfast, while he was doing that, the older man went around the room opening the curtains and straightening things out of place.

really should be several sentences, or have clauses omitted for clarity.

Jareth quickly drank it down, gagging. As he ate his breakfast, the older man went around the room opening the curtains and straightening things which were out of place.

The changes I've made help with the flow of the tale itself. As the story flows more smoothly, it becomes easier for the reader to suspend their disbelief and become thoroughly engrossed in your tale.

A good beta can help you to spot issues like this and help tighten up your presentation, polishing your tale so that your readers truly appreciate the gem that you're offering them. You can peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

Alternatively, you can post your own thread here requesting a beta:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/

Chapter One

I like the fact that you're introducing your characters by their roles in the lives of the canon characters. As supporting cast, it works quite well as a means to place them firmly in the readers' minds. Introducing Sarah's issues by having her lay them bare to Jareth is an interesting gambit, and I'm intrigued to see whether that will benefit her as the tale progresses.

Chapter Two

I'm curious as to why Sarah and Toby could not have lived in their parents' home. I should think that the mortgage would have been paid. I know you mentioned that they both died, leaving Sarah to fight for custody of Toby. On a side note, it would be interesting to see that tale. I'm certain that fighting a battle in court where one's parents have died for custody of one's sibling with the stigma of having been in a mental institution would be an intriguing read.

I admit that this is feeling slightly rushed. I know you want to move the story forward, but it seems as though you're overlooking potential plot points. For example, having Helena come to the decision to reveal her identity to Toby could be a rather engrossing and detailed scene. The more story you tell, the more opportunity I have as a reader to become sympathetic to your characters. By this, I don't mean numerous chapters so much as detail within each chapter.

Chapter Three

I'm disturbed that you have Jareth falling in love with a ten-year-old Sarah. The mere thought is extremely discomfiting.

Aside from that (and I'm going back into the technical a bit here), the way you've chosen to impart Helena's woes is a bit of 'information overload,' if you will. While I'm not suggesting that there is any need to dissect the minutiae, it helps the reader to digest the information, and develop a great sense of empathy, if there is some description of the characters as they're talking. You must remember that as the reader, I can only see what you describe to me. Right now, I have an image of two women sitting on a couch, one listening without any reactions while the other spews forth the history of her life.

Consider for a moment a conversation you've had recently. Picture how you were sitting and how the other person was sitting. Perhaps one of you was standing, perhaps you both were. Consider hand motions, facial expressions, body language. Very little of this is described, and all of it plays in to how we communicate with one another. As you're using the written word to relay the conversation Sarah and Helena are having, how does her body language help relay her emotion? As it stands, this segment reads as though she's a lecturer. You have a small amount of this type of detail, with Helena sniffling and teary-eyed, but there's no body language displayed by Sarah to indicate the sincerity of her response to Helena.

The part about Hoggle being friends with Jareth is a bit too contrived. I certainly can't picture it with the movie's script, nor can I imagine that Sarah is the object of Hoggle's amorous affections. This is a part of the story that you could certainly flesh out with more descriptions of prior interactions between Hoggle and Sarah.

Chapter Four

You have the second half of chapter three again at the top here.

Again I feel as though this is propelled forward too quickly. I like the idea that Rupert has a tie to Jareth and could feel him 'die'. I think that idea is excellent. It would intrigue me to see the moments leading up to Rupert's revelation of Jareth's death from the omniscient narrator's perspective.

Sarah's reaction, though, once she comes out of her shock, is more indicative of the brat she was than the adult you've portrayed thus far.

Chapter Five

I'm honestly left wanting during the conversation with the guide. I would be remiss if I did not point out to you that you mention often enough that the guide merely wears Gabrielle's face, yet when she tells the tale of Eve's treachery, she does so as though she is Gabrielle.

While I would not want something spread too thin to detail this scene, as a reader it is far more riveting to see the war that must have been waged within Jareth rather than simply having it stated by the characters.

Chapter Six

Another example of when description through body language would draw your reader into a more sympathetic frame of mind is when Jareth apologizes. Instead of having the narrator state that Sarah knew it was difficult for him, demonstrate to the readers how it was difficult.

I would also be intrigued to see more of the brother-sister relationship between Toby and Sarah. I know it exists, but not to what depth.

Chapter Seven

I like the slow build up to their romance that you have at the beginning of the chapter, and the flirting was nicely done. I will say I don't see Toby reacting quite so stricken when she shows her anger-he strikes me as more the mischievous type that would smirk at his sister's anger.

Also, if Hoggle is thinking of Sarah romantically, since he sees her in the throne room, I would expect some type of reaction indicating that. It would certainly be warranted when Ludo's question is voiced. I must also point out that Ludo's speech pattern as you have it is far too advanced. He is a much simpler character whose question would probably have been expressed more like "Sarah marries King?" than as formally as you have done.

I do note that you have punctuation in this chapter. Thank you.

Chapter Eight

Your style has changed drastically. You still have the occasional missing punctuation mark, but the readability of the piece has improved significantly. The pace of this chapter is much better than prior chapters. Having said that, I would highly suggest going back to the earlier chapters and reworking them. The early chapters are the first glimpse of your work that any of your readers have.

I'm certainly confused by this change in Toby. While there hasn't been much development to his character thus far, there certainly hasn't been anything to indicate that he would become evil to any degree.

Another good job with the flirting between Jareth and Sarah!

I don't want you to misunderstand any of this; I'm intrigued by the idea you have, and I'm interested in the tale. I think with a few tweaks to your story you could have a wonderful piece. You've done very well exploring an interesting idea that I've not seen touched upon in this fandom. That Jareth's life is tied to his love is an intriguing concept. I would very much like to see the story expanded.

Whatever you decide with regards to the suggestions I've offered, I do wish you the best with your writing.
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