Now, this line:

it seemed that the Zippleback related to their indifferences.

Do you mean to say their differences? Indifference is akin to apathy, which is one descriptor I would not use for Ruffnut and Tuffnut.

Chapter Two

You tell us that Astrid landed awkwardly - give me a little description here. Did she land straddling him, sitting upright as she watched the dragon pass by them, barely leaving them unscathed and only when she looked down notice her position? Did she land lying atop him, bodies flush and her breasts pushed tightly against his pectoral muscles as he held her to them after their near miss? You're starting to set the scene for your romance, so give me something to muse over.

You describe Hiccup's refusal to back away from Toothless as "foolish" - but it is when he makes physical contact that the dragon regains his senses. How was his choice of action foolish? If you're trying to build tension, try describing the scene more. Think of it this way: the man walked down the street on a dark night is not very suspenseful. But shadows seemed to crowd out the light as the man made his way down the street is a much more ominous beginning. Getting your readers to feel the emotions you want to convey isn't just about what you write, but in how you write it. Don't misunderstand; there is a time when simple is better. But when you're trying to make me feel the tension that Hiccup must have felt, coming into his home and seeing his companion agitatedly flapping his wings, desperate to be out in flight to the point of having forgotten about his permanently debilitating injury, I need the words to bring me to that point of suspense you're trying to lead me to.

he promptly recollected himself - a recollection is a memory.

You'll want to watch your use of the negative: I believe you wanted a "not" in this sentence: He had fully recovered from the last time; his coughing started nearly immediately.

Another part where you could have a true gem of description: they attempted to lose the pursuing dragon through intense and precise flying through the village. This sentence begs to be fleshed out and have that harrowing flight described.

Please watch the spelling of your character names. You have Astrid, Astrig, and Astid.

Please watch your plural/single use: She started looking around for either a Timberjacks.

Another example of when I need more description:

Fortunately, they were low enough to the ground that she landed harmlessly onto a cart of hay. Her proximity to the ground has nothing to do with the position of the hay cart.

What I see in reading this is that it appears you're trying to describe a great deal of action hurriedly. Don't rush through it. You're not limited by Dreamworks 90-minute per-requisites, so feel free to take the time to flesh out the scenes and show me everything that's happening. Remember that your words have to draw the picture for me.

I think you've got a great idea here; just in these two chapters there is so much potential for this story.

I would like to make a suggestion that I think could benefit you, and help you grow as a writer. If you were to get a beta - someone familiar with the fandom and with storytelling (or perhaps two separate people) to help you flesh out your story (not write it for you, just tweak it a bit), this could be a marvelous work. You can post a request for a beta here: http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/ or peruse the forum for those looking to become betas here: http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/.

Betas are an invaluable tool for authors; they perform a number of services that can truly help you to hone your writing skills.
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